"He's not wrong."

Picard pinched the bridge of his nose. "Eleanor."

Elle scowled back at him. "Captain Maxwell might need professional help for his PTSD but he's not wrong! The only thing that'll stop a war from happening in the next few years is a highly immoral giveaway of border planets that actually does end up causing genocide and tension, and leading to the Cardassians being on the opposing side of the next galactic confrontation! Didn't you read my season synopses?"

"Your 'season synopses', as you call it, was classified to the highest degree and censored beyond readability," Picard retorted evenly. "The only readable thing in it is the word 'Enterprise'."

Elle pinched the bridge of her own nose and released an aggravated sigh from the depths of her soul. She'd spent ages writing down her debriefing in a sealed blackout room in the depths of the Security department, and it was unusable? "Bureaucrats," she grumbled.

"Exactly," Picard said, and they shared a commiserating glance. "That still leaves me with my directive, Elle. Preserve the peace, no matter what the cost."

"I know, I know," Elle said, with a sigh. "The Federation can't take a war, war is bad anyways."

"Exactly."

"I know," Elle said, snapping her fingers. "We can ally with the Romulans, set them on the Cardassians. They can let off some steam against someone other than the Federation and we won't have to give up our border worlds, win-win."

"No."

"It worked for the Klingons."

Picard released a heavy sigh. "No."

Elle tapped her fingers against the armrest, her gaze drifting towards Picard's shelf of paper books. "We could hire privateers to do our dirty work?" she suggested.

Picard pointed to the door. "Out."

"It was just a suggestion!"

"Out," he repeated firmly.

Elle left, gladly.

-/\-

"Never mind, I hate not being involved, even if it is politics."

Guinan laughed at her. "Busybody."

Elle did not deny this. How could she? She had every main character's life memorized. To be fair, she had a lonely childhood.

Picard came to find her after the whole showdown was over. "You were right about the Cardassians," he said. "We can't do anything about it right now, but they are arming for war."

"Yup."

He held out a datapad. Elle's 'future debriefing' was on it, liberally marked with black streaks. "If you could help me decipher this, if you remember what you wrote, we could inform Command of the relevant bits," he said.

Elle took the datapad. "Don't worry, I can tell what I wrote. I have a very unique writing style."

"Do you now?" Picard asked, amusement quirking his lips.

"Mm-hm," Elle said, scrolling. "According to her, I have an elliptical narrative style focused on motives and consequences, heavily influenced by eighteenth-century novelists and obscure references."

Picard's eyebrows went up.

Elle kept scrolling. "I use too many commas like Oscar Wilde and stream of consciousness no transitions like tumblr users. I never even had a tumblr, though. I had a Pinterest. That's why."

Picard opened his mouth, closed it again. "Hm," he said. "When you are focused and speaking clearly, you are rather eloquent. Next essay you hand in, I would like to read it, please."

Elle wrinkled her nose. "I was raised by the yeoman's department and Spock for two years, my academic writing is excellent. This is just a word vomit of information. Difficult to read, for a casual skimmer, good for security reasons. Bad, for when you're trying to find... ha!" She pointed out a subtitle. "They didn't even censor it!"

Picard leaned over her shoulder. "Keeping up with the Kardashians," he said. "I'm going to assume that's a meme reference."

Elle beamed at him. "Yup! This whole section is everything I know about the Cardassians' future movements. It's not a whole lot because I hate politics and I only watched those episodes once and the other series where there's a Cardassian main character, he's, well, I don't actually know what his deal is, but he's cool."

Picard marked the appropriate section and appended it to his report to Admiral Haden. He sent it away. "Thank you," he said.

-/\-

"Elle, what are you doing in my office?"

She looked up from Riker's desk chair. "There are literally two thousand people on this ship and we've just picked up another three hundred."

He grinned. "I know, right? We're finally seeing the Enterprise start to come up to crew capacity."

Elle realized belatedly that Riker was an extrovert. He did not appreciate her struggles. Going from 450 people to a thousand people had been bad enough. Going from a thousand to two thousand, it was like living on a planet. Ugh. She dragged herself from his office in disgust and went to hide in the server room. At least in there, it was warm.

The next day, she was "volunteered", along with the twins and Tyler, to be 'orientation guides' for the set of new crewmembers. Their job was to hang out at various points of confusion on the ship and guide new crewmembers towards their intended destinations. They were also armed with datapads listing current clubs, current volunteer postings for off-hours, and other sundry reminders for integrating into shipboard life.

Elle regarded Ms. Quarren with suspicion. "I've never heard of these orientation guides before," she said. "Where was this program six months ago?"

"It was instituted recently," Ms. Quarren said.

Elle squinted. "Like, yesterday?"

Ms. Quarren taught the twelve-to-seventeen-year-olds onboard, her poker face was unbreakable. "Recently," she repeated. "You four are my most cheerful teens, you put people at ease. After the Cardassian scare, we need to get morale up."

Elle accepted the datapad with a forced smile. As soon as Ms. Quarren walked away she turned to her friends. "I can't believe it. Commander Riker snitched."

"You gotta admire the turnaround though," Jetta said.

"Mom said that Counselor Troi already had this plan in the works," Nicole said. "We must be the test group."

Elle sighed. She was going through what Dr. Crusher called 'an upswing in hormonal shifts' due to age and growth spurts, and this sounded like torture.

"I got the mall, aft entrance," Jetta said, consulting her datapad.

"I got the main rec deck, main entrance," Tyler said. "Ooh, I get a little table. I'm gonna bring my guitar."

Nicole looked at hers. "I've got that corridor junction on 18 where everybody gets turned around in between turbo-lift stations," she said. "This'll be hilarious. I'm gonna make a permanent map that says 'you are here', like when you go to Grand Central NYC on Earth."

Elle finally looked at her assignment. She grinned. "Commander Riker, I take back everything. I love you."

"What'd you get?" Jetta asked, leaning over her shoulder. "What- what? 4-I JT 25?"

"The fourth intersection of Jefferies Tube 25," Elle said, beaming.

The other three teens stared at her. "You're being shoved in a Jefferies Tube," Tyler said. "Why is that a good thing?"

"Because that's my spot," Elle said smugly. "That's my bolthole! That's...the most perfectly acoustic spot on the Enterprise, according to Lt. Darren."

"Who?"

"She's not here yet." Elle waved that off. "Point being, the only people crawling through there are going to be engineers, maintenance people, or people that Geordi or Worf are running through drills. And or people who are deeply, deeply lost." She sent off a quick text message to Commander Riker. Does this mean I have permission to terrorize the newbies?

The answer came back a few moments later. If they can survive the gremlin in the Jefferies Tubes, they can survive anything on this ship. Do not abuse this privilege.

Elle grinned. You can count on me, commander.

-/\-

Elle went to her assigned position with a new floor cushion, a map, a theremin, a glass bowl of plasti-pouches of water, and a glass bowl of colorful hard candies. She set up her datapad to read occupancy sensors in the nearby Jefferies Tubes. If anyone came within hearing distance she would start to play the theremin. Anyone who encountered her would be firmly convinced there was a fae NPC in the vents.

She only had to wait two hours for her first lost ensign (read as: victim). She hid the theremin under a blanket, put on her best impassive expression, and waited for the ensign to pop into the junction. "Greetings, traveler," she said, inclining her head. "Do you know where you are going?"

The ensign gaped at her. "Uhhhh. Are, you, supposed to be in here?" he asked, eyeing her warily.

Elle gave a mysterious smile. "We are all where we are supposed to be," she intoned. She gestured to the glass bowl of candy. "Would you like a treat?"

This guy had definitely read some rules about interacting with suspicious entities. "Uhhh, no thank you," he said, his voice cracking under the strain.

She inclined her head again. "Do you know where you are going?" she asked again. She watched him visibly weigh the consequences in his head.

He finally spoke. "I'm trying to get to Subjunction 7?"

Elle gestured to the left. "You wish to take the lateral tube, three bulkheads, a right, then down three," she said serenely. "Take a water pouch for the journey." She put just a hint of menace in her smile.

He picked up one of the water pouches with a nervous smile. "Thank you?" He scrambled away in the right direction.

Elle waited until he was out of hearing range and then laughed herself sick.

A maintenance person, Lt. Haversham, came through the junction an hour later. "Geez Louise, you scared the stuffing out of me," he said, catching sight of her. "What are you doing in here being all spooky?"

"I'm on assignment," Elle informed him, gleeful. "I'm supposed to direct lost ensigns to their destinations. Commander Riker said so."

He laughed. "I suppose we all have our specialties."

"Want a candy?"

"Don't mind if I do." He took a candy and stuffed it in his cheek. "If anyone asks about mysterious noises, what do I say?"

"You have no idea what they're talking about. You are adamant there's nothing there."

"Copy that. I'll tell the others. Good hunting." He slid out of the junction, snickering.

The maintenance department deserved a fruit basket.

Another two newbies wandered through the Jefferies Tubes. They weren't supposed to be going through Tube 25, but they'd been drawn by the ghostly sounds of the theremin. Two of them agreed to take a candy, and Elle heavily implied that it would be wise to learn their way around the Jefferies Tubes.

She got a message from her datapad. All right gremlin, Captain Picard wants you on the bridge, get up here.

Gremlin incoming, Elle sent back and shuffled herself and her belongings out of the junction.

She got up to the bridge in good time. "Reporting as ordered," she said. "What's up?"

Picard had a very strange look on his face. "Elle, there is a woman who is proclaiming to be the devil on Ventax Two right now. Please tell me she is not the actual devil."

Elle grinned. "If you think she's the actual devil, captain, I have a very nice bridge to sell you in Brooklyn."

He sighed in relief. "Thank you, Elle. Now to con a con man. Any tips?"

"The actual devil is orbiting a black hole somewhere in another galaxy," Elle told him. "You'll be fine."

He blinked. "..."

"Also, she has a ship stashed somewhere in orbit," Elle added.

"Ah. Mr. Worf?"

"Scanning," Worf announced.

Picard looked at Elle. "You may go back to your post."

She smiled. "Thank you, captain. Happy lawyering!"

"Thank you?"

She gave him a thumbs-up. "You'll be great."

-/\-

"Elle."

"Hi Geordi. Mochi?"

He sat across from her and folded his arms on the table. "Elle, would you happen to know why half of my new staff is adamant there is a multidimensional fairy in the Jefferies Tubes?"

"I couldn't say," Elle said demurely. "I've been assigned to Commander Riker's new orientation program."

"Hm." He pulled a plastic-wrapped hard candy from his pocket and placed it on the table in front of them. "So if I eat this?"

"You'll get a toothache?" Elle guessed.

"Uh-huh. And the reports of ethereal music in the vents?"

"Sound carries great in certain junctions," Elle said, straight-faced. "We should check into that. Operational security."

"Uh-huh."

-/\-

Elle, in Jefferies Tube 25 Subjunction 4, could not only project sound, but hear sound. And as she sat there reading, she heard the Enterprise's vibrations change. She put the book down. "Computer, what was that?"

"We have been covered in what looks like a cloaking device," the computer replied, echoing strangely in the junction. "All external frequencies have been jammed."

The Yellow Alert sounded a moment later.

"Ah." Elle grinned. "Negotiations must be going well, then." She put her things away and started the long trek back out to the main corridors.

She came face to face with another new ensign in the corridor outside Main Engineering. "Lost?" she asked.

"I'm looking for the Aux Comm Array," he said.

"That way, two sections down, left, and follow the glitter."

"Glitter?"

Elle sighed. "Field trip gone wrong, don't worry about it."

"Thanks." He regarded her. "Do you know what's going on?"

"We're being threatened by the devil," Elle said dryly. "Don't worry, the captain's got it in the bag. Welcome to the Enterprise."

The ensign huffed a laugh. "Thanks." He ran in the direction indicated.

Elle shook her head. Newbies.

-/\-

"You." A finger was pointed in her face, accusing.

Elle nearly dropped her game controller. "What?" she asked, squinting past the holo-simulation cube. Her fake tiny Enterprise crashed into a moon and exploded. "Aw, c'mon!" She turned the holo-cube off and looked up, into the face of one of the new crewmembers she'd encountered in the Jefferies Tubes. She grinned. "Hello there."

"You, I knew it! I told my team, I knew it," he said. "Who are you?"

"My name is Elle," she said. "And you?"

"What were you doing in the Jefferies Tubes?" he asked.

"Helping you," Elle replied. She held out the game controller. "Want a turn? It's a prototype flight simulator for starship dogfighting."

"What, like at the Academy?" the ensign asked, interested in spite of himself.

"Yeah, like that, but with the Enterprise-D instead of the original."

"Cool. That should be impossible."

"It almost is," Elle said.

He sat down next to her and accepted the game controller. "My name's Ian."

"Nice to meet you. Welcome to the Enterprise."

"Thanks."