Wife of the Wolf, Husband of the Sun
Chapter Forty-Six
Elia sighed happily as Mors finally settled in her arms and the warmth of the fire in the heath and the warm spring water being carried through the pipes making the room warm enough for her to be comfortable. Winterfell had been a boon when it came to her health, she was still fairly weak even after the birth and the thought of traveling the distance between White Harbour and Winterfell, even in a wheelhouse that Lord Wyman had generously provided for her, had not been something that she had looked forward too.
But she was glad that she had undertaken it all the same, the wheelhouse had not been the largest that she had ever been in, the Lannister one had been that and even the one that she arrived in the North in with Ashara and Lauryn had been larger than this one, it looked like it could just maybe fit five people, if one of them was a child.
Still, most of the time it had only been her inside of it as Ned had spent most of his time on horseback as was the eldest Stark that was present now that Lord Rickard had gone south and Brandon was still in Winterfell and it would look bad if it seemed he was shunning the man and Lyanna had detested the idea of not being able to ride, Ned had always said his sister was half a horse and Elia had no trouble believe in that.
Watching Lyanna ride was an eye opening experience, she was still certain that the sand steeds of Dorne had no equal in all of the Seven Kingdoms but watching Lyanna had proven to her that the rider had a great part to play as well. The way the horse had moved it was like it didn't even have a rider at all.
Elia was certain that she has also never seen her goodsister quite as happy as when she was on the back of her horse. She hadn't wanted to take that away from her and so Elia had been almost companionless aside from her babes. She had sung them songs and told them stories but conversation was something that she sorely lacked, she wished that Ashara had been there.
Ned had popped his head in at times, sat with her for a little while their party stopped and held their children but while they had been moving Ned re-joined the party and rode with them, speaking to Lyanna and Benjen and the people. It was silly, but at the time it almost seemed to her like he was trying to spend as little time with her as possible, even when sitting with her in the wheelhouse most of his attention was on their children. Not that she blamed him for that, she would love to spend all of her time with them and he had not had as long with either of their boys as she had.
But it didn't seem like that, it seemed as though he was avoiding her. That thought was like someone had reached into her chest, taken hold of her heart and squeezed it. She knew the only reason why Ned would be avoiding her, it could be the only reason. He thought that she was in love with Jaime Lannister, it could be the only reason. At least it was the only reason that she could think off.
A soft whimper of distress brought her out of her thoughts and she looked down to see that Mors was whimpering as her tears landed against his chubby face, she was crying so often lately that this was becoming more of a problem. She gently soothed him and rubbed the tears away before they could dry on his face and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Once the babe had quietened she placed him down into his crib.
His brother was still sleeping peacefully in his own cot, his tiny hand clenching and unclenching as if he was trying to take hold of something. Elia leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead and then pressed another kiss to his brother's. Once she was certain that both boys were settled and were not going to rouse she picked up her napkin which she was using for her embroidery and sat on the ledge of the window.
A snow storm had settled in, heavy fat snow flakes pilling up on the outside of the window but there was no chill in the room, the nursery was one of the warmest rooms in the entire castle, perhaps the warmest even without the fire roaring in the heath. It had to be, babes were so venerable when they were this young and the cold was their worst enemy, even more deadly as they were in Winter.
She glanced down into the courtyard below, a moving mound of snow which could only be Hodor was pushing through the snow that was now pushing against the walls of the castle towards the stables, two large bags of what she could only assume were oats were slung over his shoulders. Elia suddenly found herself feeling sorry for the horses, standing out there in the freezing cold and realised that she had not seen her Swift Ash since she had left for King's Landing.
The creature had always been her favourite of the several sand steeds that had been raised in her mother's stable not that she had many opportunities to ride him. The Sand Steeds of the lowest breeding could run for a day and a night with only a mouthful of water but the Steeds from the Stables of Sunspear could ride for almost five days without drinking.
But a Sand Steed was not used to this sort of cold, they were never meant to come this far North and Elia was terrified that if she let the beast out of the stables and took him for a ride then he would get sick and die here. She could only hope that the beast was warm and well fed inside of the stables, Elia's delicate health meant that she couldn't risk going outside into the cold.
Elia placed her needlework down and sighed heavily, in truth Elia felt trapped, and very alone. Not as much as she had when she had been trapped at Casterly Rock with the Lannisters but this feeling hurt her a great deal more, she had thought that once she was back at Winterfell then she would be happy again but Ned was barely speaking to her, Ashara had been avoiding her for a reason that she didn't understand, she couldn't speak to Lord Rickard about it as had made it clear that he had disapproved of how close she had allowed Ser Jaime to get to her on their journey back to the North.
Lyanna was not someone that Elia would chose to confide in even though the girl had confided in her about the fact that she did not know any of her sums, the girl was easier talk to now but Elia truly didn't feel comfortable with speaking about it with her, Lyanna loved her older brother and in any matter she was likely to assume his side.
And Benjen, well, Benjen was just a boy. A very clever boy indeed and he had always been sweet and kind with her but he still would not understand. Elia didn't think that she had ever felt more alone in her entire life, and for just a moment she found herself wishing that she was still on her way back to the North and that Jaime Lannister was still at her side.
That thought sent a jolt through her and her needlework slipped out of her hands and clattered against the stone floor, for a moment she thought that the babes might have woken but after a few moments of silence passed Elia knew they would not wake and so she let out a small sigh of tiredness. She didn't know what to think anymore.
She loved Ned. She knew that like she knew the sky was blue and the sun was warm and the snows were cold but he hadn't been speaking to her and that had made it so hard. She didn't know what to do about it.
The door to the Nursery opened and Bette, the nursemaid and wet nurse of Winterfell walked into the room. She was pretty, with breasts large enough to hold enough milk for both of her children. Elia knew that it was not fair, but she couldn't help but hate her. Elia did feed her children but her own breasts were thin and did not hold enough milk for both of her sons and Elia would not deny them food out of her own pride but to her it seemed just a little more of eveidence of what she was failing at.
Northern ladies were expected to feed their own babes, and Elia couldn't even do that well.
"The little lords asleep m'lady?" Bette asked with that warm smile and sweetness that made Elia feel terrible for hating her as much as she did. Elia nodded silently to her question and Bette sat down in the rocking chair that had been a gift from House Hornwood and Elia wanted to scream at her to get out of it but her courtesy froze the words like icicles in her throat. "I'll stay then and feed the lads when they wake up, if it please m'lady. Lord Brandon wanted to know if you would be coming down for breaking fast or if you wanted something sending up?"
"No. I'll go down." Elia tried to convince herself that it was because that she didn't want any of the serving men to walk any further from the kitchens to the great hall but the truth was she didn't want to stay in the room while Bette was here. She stood up and made her way to the door, hating herself more and more with every step that she took. "Make sure they keep warm."
She stepped out the nursery and shut the door before leaning against it, closing her eyes as she tried to catch her breath for a few moments. Elia felt tears running down her face and she brought up her hand to wipe them all away. Once she had regained her composure she began to walk through the corridors of the First Keep and down to the courtyard.
Elia pulled her furs closer to her as she walked through the snow drenched courtyard of Winterfell, her breath hung in front of her like a fine mist and not for the first time she suddenly wished she was back in Dorne, the nights could be bitter cold it was true but at least the day offered some respite from that. In the North, the days were cold and the nights even worse with the hot springs and fires only doing so much to offer shelter from it.
The great hall of Winterfell was crowded with people and the fires burning in the heaths made the air warm and the comfort it granted her was more than anything she could say. There were large iron kettles set up on either side of the hall and even as Elia approached the dais she could hear the porridge bubbling away inside of them.
Brandon sat in his father's seat with a mug of ale in his hand, his wife sat at his right and Catelyn looked as beautiful as ever with her deep red hair falling around her face like a wave and a small smile on her lovely face, Lyanna was sitting on Brandon's left and she was currently digging into her own bowl of porridge without a care in the world, Benjen was sitting next to his older sister and offered Elia a smile before he tucked back into his own food.
And sitting on the other side of Catelyn was Eddard, he didn't seem to notice her and if he did then he didn't say anything and that felt like someone had shoved her into a pit of vipers, it felt like everyone in the Great Hall was suddenly looking at her but Elia held her head high and took her place next to her husband. A bowl of porridge that had been sweetened with milk, butter and honey was placed in front of her.
"Are the children well?" The hall had been silent aside for a few muttered conversations that were too far away for Elia to hear properly so when Ned spoke to her it caused Elia's spoon to slip out of her hands. She picked the spoon back but didn't try to put any of the porridge into her mouth, she found that she didn't have much of an appetite.
"They are well enough my Lord, I am worried about the cold of course as they are quite young." Elia admitted as she stuck her spoon into the porridge and let it go, the food was so think that the spoon could stay standing.
Her lord husband frowned slightly before he took a sip of his ale. "You have nothing to fear my Lady, the winters are hard but so are Starks. They will endure the Winter and grow strong, I am sure enough of that."
"I pray you are right my lord." That was the last words they spoke to one another for a time, she wanted to speak more. She wanted to apologise to him, she wanted to scream at him for ignoring her for whatever foolish reason he had decided on. She wanted to pick herself up and run back to the nursery and barricade herself inside where no one could harm her or even think of trying.
But Elia knew that she could not do that, she also knew that lack of appetite or no she had to eat to keep her strength up and there were plenty of men and women outside the walls who love a bowl of even unsweetened porridge. She picked up her spoon and began to slowly put the food into her mouth, though she truly did not wish to and each mouthful was sickly sweet.
"Has there been any word from Father?" Lyanna had the sense to not say it out loud, she had whispered it to her brother but it was loud enough for everyone on the Dais to hear it. So far as everyone aside from the family knew, Lord Rickard had suffered another heart attack and had been confined to his guest chambers in White Harbour with only the Manderly maester to see him regularly.
It seemed to have worked as several northern houses sending messages of sympathy and condolences to Winterfell, Lord Rickard hadn't told Lyanna and Benjen that he would be leaving the North only that he would be staying in White Harbour for a while but Brandon had soon told them the truth of the matter, neither of them had been happy about it and Lyanna had threatened to ride to every house and tell them the truth but so far she had shown no intention of carrying out that threat, if Elia had to guess then she would assume that the girl know that doing that would put her father as risk.
Brandon shock his head and whispered back to his sister that there had been nothing yet as they still hadn't known where he had gone and thus they could not send any birds to him. They would simply have to wait until he came back, Elia prayed that he would and he would not come to any difficulty on the road or that he would not have an actual attack.
The king had to know that Elia had made her way back to the North by now, the Spider must have been able to find out. He always seemed to find out anything and if one of his spies found out that the Lord Paramount of the North was south of the Neck and thus far away from the seat of his power and more venerable than he would ever be on his life, Elia did not think that Aerys would pass up a opportunity like that.
A flip of a coin and war could be on them, Elia reminded herself to pray hard tonight that Lord Rickard would return quickly and safely.
There was silence once again as all the men and women in the hall focused back on their food, they all stopped eating for a moment when a cold air blew through the hall and the maester hurried down towards the Dais. His face was still as a lake as he held out a scroll that was sealed with dark blue wax, a trout emblazoned on it. "For you my lady."
Catelyn placed her spoon down gently and took the scroll with a word of thanks for the maester, she broke the seal and pieces of wax fell on to the floor and the table. Elia watched as her eyes scanned the paper before her face paled and her hand clutched at the paper, Ned noticed as well and a frown spread out on his face. "Lady Catelyn? Are you well?"
"Yes, I-I'm fine, thank you Lord Eddard." Lady Catelyn tried to smile but it was clearly wavering before she reached out and took a sip of her ale. "It is a letter from my sister, Lysa. She says, oh it's silly. My lord." Catelyn turned to address Brandon. "My tummy is hurting me a bit, with your leave might I go and lie down for a while?"
"Of course, do you want me to come with you?" Brandon asked but Catelyn was already on her feet.
"No, no. I just want to lie down." And with that Catelyn was gone, asking the maester to attended to her as she walked down the aisle of the hall towards the doors of the hall. There was a quiet muttering erupting in the hall but it soon subsided once again as Lady Catelyn left the hall, Elia could not deny that the seed of worry in her stomach was beginning to sprout.
If it had been something to do with Lord Rickard then Elia was certain that Cat would have told them but the way she had left the hall so suddenly, the entire world seemed to be made of kegs of wildfire at the moment and all they were waiting for was the single spark that would consume them all in the flames and maybe it was paranoid of her but she couldn't help but feel that the spark had just ran out of the hall.
She wanted to be with children now more than ever, there was still porridge in her bowl but she didn't find the strength to finish it. Elia turned her head to look at her husband and placed her hand over his, Ned did not pull away from her hand but the muscles under his skin felt tense, like he wanted to pull away and that hurt her more than any words could say. "I'm going to go and see the children, would you like to come with me?"
Ned swallowed heavily and stared at her for a moment and Elia wanted him more than anything else in the world to say yes, to come with her and hold their children and just talk to her and work with her to get past this. She wanted him to hold her and kiss her like he had used to do, she wanted to take him into her bed and hold one another under their covers not just for love making but for simple warmth, the love making could come later, feeling him deep inside of her and knowing that she was home and that he loved her, that everything would be alright.
And then Ned pulled his hand away and it took all Elia had not to run out of the hall, sobbing all the way. Instead, she decided to adopt a polite, if cold, smile. "Perhaps later then." She spoke softly as she stepped away from the table and began to make her way to the doors, she heard Ned calling after her but she didn't stop and he didn't call for her again.
Walking through the snows back to the First Keep seemed harder than walking to the hall had done, Elia sniffed as tears ran down her face but she quickly wiped them away as she knew that it was cold enough for them to freeze on her face if she didn't. She hurried through the halls of the First Keep as she wanted to be back inside the Nursery as soon as possible.
As she pushed the door open she found that Bette was not in there alone, dressed in a purple velvet gown Ashara was standing over Mors crib with Lauryn in her arms and looking down at her slumbering babe. Ashara turned to look at her and her lovely violet eyes grow wide. Elia stood staring at her dearest friend for a few moments, wondering how they had come to this. She had never hidden anything from Ashara, she had always been able to talk to her and now she couldn't find any words.
They stood staring at one another until Bette broke into the silence. "Hello m'lady, little ones haven't stirred yet. Lady Ashara just came to visit them. I didn't think you would mind."
"I don't mind. Bette, could you give me and Ashara a moment to speak alone? You must be hungry, there's porridge with milk and butter and honey." The wetnurse knew better than to argue and the thought of porridge was clearly to tempting to pass up and so she stood up from the rocking chair and left the room, shutting the door behind her and leaving them in silence except for Lauryn's babblings.
"Have I done something wrong? Are you angry with me for leaving?" Elia asked, every thought that she had ever thought while she had been isolated coming out in a rush. "Are you angry that I didn't take you with me to King's Landing, that I asked you to stay behind and help Lyanna and Cat? What is it? Tell me Ash please, because I can not think of a single thing that I have done that could make you hate me so much that not only did you not come to White Harbour when I got back, and do not tell me it was because your daughter was sick because I am looking at her and she looks fine but that doesn't explain why you haven't given me reason for not speaking to me since I got back to Winterfell."
"Elia, I don't hate you." Ashara shock her head, tears welling in her eyes and Elia wanted more than anything to take her into her arms and comfort her but she couldn't do that, right now she needed answers more than anything. Ashara carried Lauryn over to the small bed that was set up in the corner of the room for the nursemaid to sleep in. Ashara kissed her daughter's head and placed her down on the bed before she turned back to speak to Elia. "I haven't been trying to ignore you, I swear to the old gods and the new that I haven't I just...I didn't know how to talk to you."
"Ashara." Elia spoke firmly as she felt the tears running down her face, staring at this woman who had never had to doubt how to speak to her. "We've known one another since we were born, I love you like the sister that I never had. What could you have done that was so terrible that you couldn't find a way to speak to me about it?"
Ashara let out a noise that that was some bizarre mix of a cough, a laugh and a sob. "It's Brandon."
Elia's eyes narrowed for a moment as she took that in, confusion and anger warring inside of her for the right to show itself. "Ashara, I already know about Brandon. You told me about this before, remember? I already know that he's Lauryn's father."
"No, it's not that." Ashara muttered as she ran her fingers through her thick dark hair and tears slid down her face and fell down to the stone floor below. "I love him Elia, he's a terrible person and a pig but I do love him, I really truly do."
Elia couldn't hold back anymore and she crossed the distance between them, taking her friend into her arms and pressing a kiss to her forehead and ran her fingers through her hair. Trying to do her best to sooth and comfort her, all the anger she had held towards just draining away. Ashara sobbed roughly in her arms and Elia just held gently to her.
After a while Ashara quieted, only letting out the occasional sob or whimper escaping from her and she just rested inside Elia's embrace, Elia making no move to let go of her. Movement out of the corner of her eye made Elia look down and she saw Lauryn grabbing on to her mother's skirts, tugging at them. "Mama? Why are you sad?"
Ashara pulled away and reached down to pick up her daughter, holding her tightly and kissing the side of her head. "I'm not sad my Love, don't worry." Ashara carried the girl over to the rocking chair and sat down into it, rocking her and humming under her breath until Lauryn rested her head against her shoulder and shut her eyes.
Elia sat down on the end of the bed and stared at her friend for a moment, understanding slowly creeping in to her. "Brandon knows, doesn't he?" She whispered, trying not to wake Lauryn or her babes from their slumber. Ashara stared at her with wide eyes, the shock in them answering her question more than any of her friend's words ever could. "He knows that he's her father."
Ashara swallowed heavily as her hold on Lauryn tightened, she didn't say anything but she nodded once and Elia let out a heavy sigh, her fingers came up to run through her dark hair. Nothing could ever be simple, could it?
"I didn't tell him, I swear to you I didn't. But he's smarter than I ever gave him credit for. He figured it out, he knew that I took him to bed when we were at Stokeworth and he must have seen some resemblance to her." Ashara sighed and pressed a kiss to the top of her daughter's head. "He doesn't love Catelyn, he said that he doesn't and that he wants to be with me. He only married her because a raven came from Riverrun, Hoster Tully was getting more and more anxious the longer she stayed here and wasn't wed."
Elia honestly doesn't know what to say to her friend, to love someone who loved you back but couldn't be with them due to other people's arrangements. She had gone through that, once when Rhaegar was stolen away from her and again when his mad father had separated her from Ned. She could tell her that it would be okay but the honest truth was, it wouldn't be okay. Catelyn was Brandon's wife and if Ashara tried to interfere with that then it would not end well for her or for her family.
"Sometimes I think that it would just be better if I had left her at Starfell, but I didn't want to leave her alone. But Doran was so insistent that I come with you and I couldn't deny my prince." Ashara muttered and Elia found herself frowning, remembering suddenly that it had been Doran who had commanded Ashara to come with her, did her older brother know that her friend would bring her daughter with her? It had not been the first time that the thought had bothered her.
She shoved the thought away for the moment and looked back at Ashara, the other woman looked exhausted and Elia stood up and walked over to her, helping her up from the chair and sat her down on to the bed. "Close your eyes and get some sleep, don't argue with me. Just rest here and we will talk about this more later, you look exhausted."
Ashara at least saw the sense in not arguing with her and thus laid her head back down on to her pillow, her eyes sliding shut as she held tight to her daughter. Elia pulled the blankets up to cover them both before walking over to her son's cradles, pressing a kiss to both of their foreheads before walking to the door of the Nursery and stepped out into the hallway.
Bette was waiting outside and bent her head as soon as she saw her. "the Lady Ashara is sleeping inside, she's very tired at the moment. Please, leave her be until she wakes of her own accord and make sure my sons are fed. I shall be sleeping in my husband's chambers tonight." And she would be, there was nothing that Ashara could do but there was something that she could do for herself and for Ned.
Bette bowed her head once again and hurried into the room, gently shutting the door behind her as Elia walked down the corridors of the first keep. It didn't take her long to arrive at Ned's chambers but once she opened the door she was disappointed to see that the room was dark and a chill pervaded in the air, her husband's room was one of the rooms in the castle that got the least amount of water from the springs and it was why Ned often slept in her chambers and not the other way around, but one way or the other, she would be sleeping in his rooms with him no matter what.
If he wasn't in his chamber then Elia could only think of one another place that he might be, though she hoped that she was wrong. She quickly hurried through the corridors the keep back to her own chambers and grabbed two more thick wolf furs from the chest at the foot of her bed and draped them over herself before she turned and left the room.
Elia soon found herself back outside in the snows and walked through the courtyard, making tracks in the snows that came up to her knees as she made her way to the gate that would lead her into the godswood. She soon found her husband kneeling in front of the heart tree, next to the lake that had frozen over. The ice was so thin that Elia could see fish swimming under the surface.
There was still the feeling of not belonging that she had felt on her wedding night but she would not let the intimidate her now just as she had not let it intimidate her then, the snows swallowed up the sound of her footfalls and Ned seemed to be ignorant of her presence as he continued to pray in front of the weirwood, it's red tears frozen on it's face. "You know, the first time I saw a sketch of a weirwood in a book I thought that it was the most terrifying thing in the entire world. I had nightmares that night that it would come and try and eat me, Oberyn used to tease me that he could hear the old gods of the North calling me to come and feed them."
Ned turned his head to look at her, surprise on his face but he didn't seem angry. He simply stared at her for a moment before he turned back to gaze into the pale, bloody face of the weirwood as red leaves fluttered down to the snow, Elia would find it beautiful if she didn't have other things on her mind at the moment. "That seemed very cruel of him, it's cold. You should go back inside."
"He was only six, Oberyn and I have always been close but little boys can be cruel at times. He also told me that he would defend me from any who would try and harm me." The memory made her smile and gave her comfort before she stepped forward and knelt down next to her husband. "It is cold indeed, even with three furs I can feel it seeping it into to my bones. Which is why I would much rather we continue this conversation in your chambers, preferably with a nice fire roaring along inside the heath."
Ned glanced at her. "You are going to ruin your dress."
"My lord, forgive me for my crass tongue, but at the moment I do not give a single shit about my dress." Ned stared at her as though she had grown a second head and Elia realised that she didn't think that she had ever cursed in front of her husband before but she didn't care about that, nor would ever start to. "What I do give a shit about, is you. I am not going away until you speak to me, if I need to kneel next to you in the snow until the sun goes down and then comes back up then that's what I will do, of course it does get so cold in the night, and my health is delicate and I did just give birth, I may grow sick if we stay out here."
It wasn't a fair move to make, she knew, but if it was what she had to use to get Ned to speak to her then she would do it. Ned sighed and stood up before he lent a hand down to her to help her to her feet before they began to walk back inside. As they walked through the corridors of the First Keep Ned caught the arm of a severing man and asked him to build a fire in his room, the man nodded and ran ahead of them.
By the time they arrived in his quarters a fire was burning in the hearth and the serving man was standing in front of it, when he asked if they would need anything else they both answered no and the man bowed his head and left the room, shutting the door behind him. The room was still colder than most in the keep but the fire had warmed it up a great deal.
Ned turned to face her and Elia took a breath and looked into his eyes. "Why aren't you speaking to me? You always seem to find an excuse not to, we have not seen one another in months and months and you have barely spoke to me since we left from White Harbour." She felt that she already knew the answer, but she wanted to hear it from him.
Ned stared at her again and Elia wanted to smack him for looking so calm, she had been caught between a burning fury and a deep, crushing sadness and he looked like he barely felt anything. After a moment he sighed and sat down on his bed before he spoke. "I didn't not want to speak to you because I didn't want to make you speak to me if you didn't want too."
Elia felt as though the entire world just shifted under her feet, she felt more lost now than she had been before. "Ned, you are my husband. I love you, why would I not want to speak to you?"
Ned scoffed and the desire to smack him reared it's head again but Elia held herself back. "Elia, just stop it. Please, do me that one courtesy. I may not be the smartest of men but I am not a stupid one, I know that you are not in love with me. Not any more, if you ever were. You are in love with Jaime Lannister, I do not blame you for that but I will not be treated like I am stupid."
Her stomach fell into a deep dark pit and Elia felt like she had fallen in after it, she knew that this was at least part of the issue but it being aired out in to the open made everything seem like it was a thousand times harder. She swallowed and her mouth and throat felt as dry as a desert dune. "Ned, listen to me. Please, I am not in love with Ser Jaime. I promise you, I told your father this exact thing."
"And I believed you, I swear to you that I did." Ned stood up and began to pace back and forth in front of the bed, his fingers clenching and unclenching into fists as he walked, the frown on his face deepening. "I thought he was being too harsh, but then you asked for me to bring him to you so you could say goodbye to him, and I did so, you asked me to leave you alone with him and I did so despite every instinct I had telling me not too. And then, I heard you crying and came back inside. Why were you crying Elia? If not for saying goodbye to someone you loved."
Elia felt the tears welling up again and rolling down her cheeks, pain blossoming in her chest as she tried to find the words to explain. "I was crying because of what a terrible mother I am, Ned. Because of what a terrible person I am. I wanted to say goodbye to Ser Jaime because he had been a good friend to me, he was kind and apologised when he knew that he was at fault. But he had nothing to do with why I was crying Ned, I promise you that and it was certainly not because I was saying goodbye to someone that I loved."
"I was scared, terrified that one of them would be like me, frail and sickly. But that was all I confessed to him Ned, do you want to know what I did not? Why I am so certain that I am going to burn in the worst of the seven hells? Because of what I was willing to do, I wanted to be back at your side so much that if I didn't. Then I swore to Lord Tywin that I would end my life if he did not release me from his hospitality."
"I would cast myself into the Sunset Sea, I would end my life and our sons as well. If for no other reason, that if I didn't get back to you then nothing else mattered." Elia sobbed roughly and felt her face crumble, but she made no attempt to hide it from Ned. She wanted him to see it. "I was willing to throw the entire realm into blood and fire and steel, in the war I know would happen if I died, if I was not allowed to get back to you."
"So say what you wish about me, my sweet lord husband. Say I am a horrible person, and you would be right. Say I am a terrible mother, and you would be right as I can not even feed them enough." Elia stepped forward as she spoke, the fire of the sun filling her veins even as tears continued to drop down her cheeks. "But never say that I do not love you, for that has never been true."
She stood in silence for moments, Ned cold mask cracked as he was staring back at her with wide eyes and a mouth partially opened. Elia closed her eyes and all so suddenly she felt the flames leave her veins and the coldness seep back into her, she wrapped her arms around herself and simply let her sobs rock through her body.
And then a pair of arms she loved wrapped around her and Elia buried her nose into a strong chest that she loved, she didn't try to hold them back, she simply let herself cry. Sobs that shock her entire body coming out, she felt lips being pressed to the top of her head and whispered apologies being repeated over and over again into her and declarations of how much he truly did love her.
Elia wasn't sure how long she stood in Ned's embrace but she did know that no matter what, she didn't want to leave it. Not tonight, not ever again if she could help it. She pulled away from Ned slightly, holding tight on to his doublet. "Ned, I don't want to leave you tonight. Let me stay here tonight."
"I don't plan on sleeping without you, not ever again." And with that Ned leaned down and kissed her and Elia brought up her hand to run her fingers through his hair, holding on tight to it. Her other hand pulled at his doublet and pressed herself against him. Ned began to pull at her dress, the furs on her shoulders and the strings at the back.
His doublet soon joined her furs on the floor and she ran her fingers over his solid chest and through the field of hair on it. She had missed the feel of it under her hands, her dress fell and pooled around her ankles as Ned, her Ned, a thought that filled her with fire, bent his head and took one of her dark nipples into his mouth, sucking on it until she cried from the pleasure of it.
Elia unfastened his trousers and Ned kicked them off before he wrapped his hand around her waist and carried her over to the bed, he placed her down gently atop of the covers and began to kiss down from her chest, down over her stomach and navel until he was kissing both of her thighs, a cry erupted from her throat as she felt his tongue flicking against her core, the cry almost turned into a shirk as she felt his lips wrapping around the nub of flesh and sucking on it harshly.
She felt her body shake almost a half a dozen times form the pleasure he brought to her with just his mouth and felt a pleasurable, comforting darkness creeping on to her that she would love nothing more than to sink into when she felt his hands clamping on to her hips and turning her on to her stomach. She wept when he finally filled her, a sense of completeness that she had lost surging into her.
His kisses burned her skin and the hair on his chest and around his mouth scratched her in a way that she loved, her fingers played and flicked with her nub as he thrust hard inside of her, he undid her what seemed almost a dozen more times and she was fairly certain that if he continued than her heart might be the one to fail that night.
He stilled inside her only once and he had to put his hands on either side of her to stop himself from falling on top of her, Elia whimpered slightly as he slid out of her but they died on her lips as he picked her up, pulled down the covers of his bed and held her close to his chest. Ned kissed her forehead and rubbed at her back, a thousand words of love had passed his lips that night, and a thousand more seemed due to.
Elia played with the hair on his chest as she shut her eyes and slowly began to give herself into the darkness, she suddenly found that she did not care a single white about Ashara or Brandon or Catelyn or her sister or Hoster Tully or Lord Rickard or Lyanna or Benjen or Ser Jaime or her brothers or any of Oberyn's Sand Snakes or anything else.
For that night, for the rest of that night. The entire world was that one room, she was in bed with her husband, and at least for that night, all was well.
End of Chapter Forty-Six.
Another chapter down and one that runs quite a gambit of emotions I felt, but it brings us back to the core of the story I felt which is Ned and Elia's marriage. It is a story about them and I know people feel I drifted from them somewhat, but keep in mind Westeros and Essos are fully realised worlds and ASOIAF/GOT does not have one protagonist, it's a series with dozens of different characters who all think it's about them.
If I did not show how this relationship altered things, how it affected and changed people and events then I think I would be doing the amazing source material I was inspired by a disservice.
Please review, follow and favourite if you enjoyed, constructive criticism is always welcome.
Love,
Doctorwhofan12345.