A/N: The song used is "Hate that I Love You," I'm partial to the country cover done by Lindsay Lawler. I know LH's character is not a fan favorite. She's not a favorite of mine either however WP says his character never slept with her so I'm considering that to be canon. I feel that they were indeed good friends who bonded over the fact that they were both judged by society. Her for her profession and him for his oddities. They never judged each other and that's what I think made their friendship so strong. However this doesn't mean that Grissom's character wasn't a total ass this episode because we he was… enjoy and big thank you to everyone who has reviewed! I'm going through some stuff personally so not sure when I will be able to post again and I thank you for your patience :)
Also thank you to Windbound for helping with the ending.
HUGE thank you to Van22114. These past few days have been hellish but your friendship has been a ray of sunshine in these dark times :)
Sara sighed as she looked down at her phone, noticing another missed call. She'd told him it was ok. That he should do what he needed to. She said that, but she'd at least expected a phone call or hell, even a quick text. When he hadn't come home she'd tried calling his cell but it went straight to voicemail. Then she called his office at the lab but there was no answer. Figuring he must've just gotten caught up in something and forgot to charge his phone, she went about doing some chores around the house. She finished the laundry, and emptied the dishwasher.
She was just finishing changing the sheets on their bed when she noticed a few hours had passed and still no word. So she'd called Jim, hoping he had some idea about where Grissom was. He'd told her not to worry as Gil was probably just working late. He told her he'd look into it and if there was anything to actually worry about he'd call her ASAP. So she'd tried to keep herself busy. She finished cleaning, cooked dinner, and finished a book she'd started the week before. When another 4 hours passed and there was still no word from either Grissom or Jim, Sara decided she'd try and get some sleep as she had to be at work in a few hours.
She had a fitful sleep as her mind was filled with nightmares. In some Grissom was in an undisclosed location alone and hurt and she was futilely trying to help him. In others he was leaving her for Heather. Those were the dreams that bothered her the most. If she had been thinking rationally she'd know they were just a by-product of her long buried insecurities coupled with what Catherine had told her earlier, but she wasn't.
When she finally woke up she felt like shit. The hours she actually slept were next to nil but she dragged herself out of bed determined not to be late. She took Hank for a walk then made sure he was fed before leaving to drop him at the sitter's. If Grissom had been home he would've insisted she eat something herself before work but God only knew where he was and she was in no mood for eating.
She'd reached the lab and quickly gotten to work hoping it would provide a welcome distraction. It was working until Catherine and Jim walked by and she overheard Catherine telling him how stupid Gil was. How could he think it was ok to spend the night in a suspect's home? So she'd gotten her answer. He'd spent the night with Heather. A million thoughts ran through her mind but she tried to ignore them and focused on the evidence she was processing. When he walked into the layout room an hour later he'd apologized. Telling her that Heather was a good friend and she had needed him. She wanted to blurt out some snarky comeback. How she was his girlfriend and she needed him too or at least needed to know that he was ok and not hurt somewhere.
Jim never came to talk to her but she saw him a few hours later. The look on his face told her that he hadn't known what to say so he'd said nothing. Sara wasn't angry with him. Afterall he told her if he found out Gil was in trouble he'd call her and technically he wasn't.
When her shift ended she wanted to go anywhere but home. That was the downside to living with someone. You were sharing a space with them 24/7 whether you liked it or not. She didn't want to go home but she hadn't seen Grissom in hours and Hank would need to be picked up and fed. She headed to the sitter's house and then took him home. She got a text as she was walking in the door informing her that he was going to be late because he needed to take care of something else for Heather. Well at least this time he'd sent a text. Didn't make her feel any less uneasy but at least when he didn't come home she needn't worry he was dead in a ditch somewhere. The downside to their jobs is that they saw the worst of what humanity had to offer. So when they thought of all the terrible things that could happen to a person some pretty awful things came to mind. It was never just a simple as oh well maybe they just got a flat tire.
When Sara made it home from the sitter's house she decided to go for a run. She'd quickly changed and grabbed Hank's running harness from it's hook by the door. She ran until her body felt like it was going to give out. She slowed down realizing that Hank needed a break as well. So she walked them both to the local park and took a seat on a bench in the shade. She had only been sitting for a few minutes when her phone started ringing and she looked down at the caller ID. He was calling, noticing Gilbert on her display. Sara couldn't bring herself to answer it, turning the phone off instead. Sara took a shaky breath as the tears fell. She was angry but couldn't help how much she still loved him. He was her everything. He was more than just her partner or her lover. He was her home.
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
That's how much I love you (Yeah)
That's how much I need you (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No)
But you won't let me
You upset me,
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (That I was upset)
Gil tried unsuccessfully to call her for a third time. He tried her cell phone twice and their home phone but still no answer. When Catherine had called him telling him about Heather's attack he'd dropped everything and raced over to the hospital. He was surprised to see Sara there forgetting that she was working the case alongside Catherine. His focus quickly fell to Heather and Sara was quickly pushed out of his mind. After getting her diabetic shock under control Heather had insisted on checking herself out against medical advice. He was worried about her so he'd offered to take her home and he'd stayed with her, making sure she was ok. He knew there was more to the story of her attack and he was hoping he could get her to talk about it. He'd been so focused on helping his friend, noticing she was suicidal that he hand't thought about calling Sara. Truth was he loved Sara and she knew that and surely she wouldn't have a problem with him helping a friend right? He wouldn't if the roles were reversed (or at least that's what he told himself).
It wasn't until after he returned to the lab, after providing Jim and Catherine with an alibi for Heather that he started to realize there was a problem. First Catherine had confronted him, giving him a piece of her mind in her not so subtle way. Then after he'd spoken with Heather's ex, Brass had called him. He said he needed him to come to his office, it was urgent. He'd rushed over to PD only to be met with Jim's fury.
"You know you're an idiot right?"
"Excuse me?"
"Did you even think about the price of your little sleepover?" Jim had asked him coldly.
"Look, spare me the speech about being an alibi for a suspect. I've already heard it from Catherine."
Jim had laughed before responding,
"Buddy I could give two shits about that. You want to break protocol that's on you. You're responsible for any professional blow back. No, the price I'm talking about is with Sara. Did you even give her a second thought while you were engaged in your little tryst?"
"You better watch what you're saying Jim. I would never cheat on Sara. Heather is just a friend. That's all she's ever been despite what the office rumor mill churns out," Grissom said, rising angrily from his seat across from Jim's desk.
"You know I don't think idiot was the right term. I think asshole is more appropriate. Did you know that Sara tried reaching you for hours. When you never came home she eventually called me thinking the worst. Wondering if I'd heard from you and if you were ok. Come on, you know the kind of shit we see on this job, and you expected her not to think the worst when you never came home and didn't answer your phone? The icing on the cake is she had to hear about where you when she overheard Catherine venting to me about how stupid you were for spending the night with a suspect."
After hearing Jim's words he sunk back into the chair running a hand wearily through his hair. Shit! Maybe things weren't alright despite Sara's assurances. But he still didn't fully understand why. Surely she had to know that he loved her and would never do anything to purposely hurt her. The trouble was his intent over the years had never been to hurt her but that hadn't always prevented him from doing just that.
He'd gone back to the lab looking for Sara but he didn't find her. Then he received a call from Jerome Kessler letting him know he'd agreed to let Heather see Allison. So he'd texted Sara letting her know he was going to be late in coming home before heading out to Heather's.
Can't remember what you did
But I hate it
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long, that's wrong
But I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't wanna fuss and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you
Sara didn't know how long she'd been sitting on that bench but she was too exhausted to move. She thought back to Grissom's sabbatical. She remembered finding the letter from William's, thanking him for accepting the teaching position. The date of employment had been a little less than two weeks away. She also noted the date of the letter and realized he'd known for over three weeks and said nothing.
Sara knew that he was burning out. She had tried so hard to help him but he had become more withdrawn and his migraines had increased in their frequency and intensity. It seemed no matter what she did, Sara couldn't prevent his downward spiral. In Sara's mind, her love hadn't been enough so he'd made the decision to leave. The letter did not say how long his employment term was for and her heart had stopped at the thought that it might be permanent. They'd worked through so much as a couple during that time. He made her realize that the only thing that had kept him in Vegas for as long as it had was her love. If not for that he would've burned out much sooner.
Can't remember what you did
But I hate it
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long, that's wrong
But I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't wanna fuss and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you
When Grissom had finally gotten home, Sara wasn't there. Now it was his turn to worry. He'd tried calling their home phone on his way back from Heather's but she hadn't answered and now he knew why. He tried calling her cell but she didn't answer. Karma was indeed a bitch he thought as he sat on the couch. It was then that he noticed that Hank wasn't home either. He ran over to the sitter's only to be told that Sara had picked him up hours earlier. He had apologized saying there had been a miscommunication. Grissom drove around aimlessly searching for her before remembering how much Sara enjoyed taking Hank to the local park as it had a large dog run.
And I hate how much I love you, boy (Yeah)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you)
And I hate how much I love you, boy (Oh, whoa)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (Oh)
Sara had pulled her knees into her chest burying her face as she cried. She thought about the letter he'd written while away and her tears increased in their intensity. How could someone who wrote a letter that heartful turn around and be so callous not even caring if she thought he met an ill fate.
You completely know the power that you have (Power that you have)
The only one makes me laugh (Makes me laugh)
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... (I)
Love you beyond the reason why (Why)
And it just ain't right, oh
He entered the park and spotted her sitting on a bench, Hank quietly laying at her feet. Her knees were pulled into her chest and he could tell she was crying. His heart broke as he walked over to her. In helping a friend he'd inadvertently hurt the most important person in his life. He tentatively sat down next to her. When she didn't move he silently pulled her close allowing her to sob into his shirt.
She wanted to hate him. She wanted to scream and tell him to leave but she just couldn't. She didn't want to think about what she would do without him. She couldn't go back to the way her life was before he was in it. The feel of his arms around her made her feel safe, loved. It always did.
After a few minutes he gently whispered her name as he placed kisses in her hair.
"Sara, my beautiful Sara. I'm so sorry."
"Do…D…Do you still love me?" She stuttered as Catherine's voice filled her head.
She's the only one I've seen rattle him. The only one that can beat him at Mental chess.
"Sara, I never stopped. Why would you ask such a thing?"
"Catherine…she said… she said what a good pair you made, how Heather was the only one who…"
Grissom cut her off with a gentle kiss.
"Sara, Catherine loves to gossip. Unfortunately her need for a good story often precludes her from actually caring what the truth is. Heather is my friend and that's all she has ever been or will ever be. I have only ever loved one woman in my life Sara and that is you," Grissom looked at her imploring her to understand everything he was often unable to say.
Sara hestitanly looked into Grissom's eyes as relief flooded through her. Neither of them were the world's best communicators but Gil was notoriously bad. Over the years she learned to read his eyes. The deep blue windows to his soul often conveyed to her what couldn't pass his lips. Many might need more reassurance, but for her it was enough. She had learned to love all of him, even this part of him.
She sat so silently just staring at him that for a moment that he began to worry. She sensed his uneasiness and kissed him. He let out a sigh of relief at her kiss, thanking the heavens once again for the blessing of this beautiful creature even though he knew he did not deserve her.
"Come on honey, let's go home. I'm thinking bubble bath, chinese takeout then a movie," he said, taking her hand as he stood.
"Okay but no more movies about killing animals. Even giant monster lizards. It's just sad."
He laughed as he replied, "Deal."
One of these days, maybe your magic won't affect me (Hmm)
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me
Yeah
Ooh, oh, oh
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's how much I love you
How much as I need you
How much I need you
How much I love you
That's how much I love you
Oh, I need you
That's how much I need you
I need you
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you, boy
I can't stand how much I need you