A/N: I want to take a minute to thank everyone who as reviewed/favorited/followed this story. It has been a labor of love and your support keeps me going!
Shout out to Van22114, Zygon24 and Windbound. You ladies rock and I am proud to call you friends (they're also amazing writers in their own right so check out their work!)
When Grissom and Sara first got together, he felt as if everything in the world seemed brighter and more vibrant. As if he was walking through the most beautiful garden. The sights, the sounds, the smells were invigorating and he was flying high. She had asked him once when he'd become interested in beauty and he'd responded when he'd met her. Now officially being with her made the already beautiful, magnificent.
Grissom would often daydream about why he never noticed the beauty in everyday things before. He'd relaxed on his couch watching a movie hundreds of times. The first time he did that with Sara he realized how enjoyable it was to sit snuggled up with the one you loved. She'd absentmindedly rub her hands along his thighs as he'd kiss the top of her head and she'd sigh. Grissom would feel so relaxed that half the time he'd drift off before the movie finished a look of pure contentment on his face.
It was fifteen months of pure bliss as far as he was concerned. Well not that they didn't have their ups and downs (especially in the beginning) but the downs only made him appreciate the ups even more. Now he longed for the downs of yesteryear as life of late didn't seem so rosy.
Sara still brought tremendous beauty into his life, but little else did. Many days he felt withdrawn and barely conscious of what was going on around him. As if the city had somehow quadrupled in size and was ready to swallow him whole.
I don't feel a single thing
Have the pills done too much
Haven't caught up with my friends in weeks
And now we're outta touch
I've been driving in L.A.
And the world it feels too big
Like a floating ball that's bound to break
Snap my psyche like a twig
Grissom had never been a sociable person, preferring to spend his time in solitude rather than in the company of others. He did however notice a change once he fully let Sara into his life. Where there'd been a small candle burning there was now a brilliant flame, lighting up his entire world. She was adored by many and he felt the need to make an effort to be more sociable if only for her sake. Sara often felt torn when the guys asked her to Frank's for breakfast after shift if she knew Grissom was just going to go straight home instead. So he'd made the effort to join them more often.
For 15 months he'd been expanding his horizons and building a life he'd never imagined even in his wildest dreams. He'd been deliriously happy. He often chided himself, if he'd only given into his feelings for Sara sooner. Sara would always tell him they couldn't do anything about the past but they could make damn sure they made every moment of the future count. That's what was hurting him the most. Grissom knew he was no longer making the moments count. If anything he was trying to survive most of them. The only thing that kept him hanging on, the only thing that kept him somewhat sane was Sara. Somehow she always sensed when something was bothering him. She knew when a migraine was coming on (they'd increased in frequency as of late). She knew when he needed to just retreat into his shell, ignoring the outside world for a while. She knew when he needed to laugh or when he simply just wanted to be held. Sara would have him rest his head in her lap as she gently ran her fingers through his hair until he drifted off to sleep. Sara seemed to read him like a book and he was embarrassed to say that lately he felt he read more like a Stephen King novel than a romance.
Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
Like your body's in the room but you're not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care
Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air
Am I past repair
First it was the Izzy Delancey murder. Grissom loved puzzles and what greater a riddle than the murder of a rock star with an exact miniature replica of his murder left at the scene. He was more than a little perturbed when they couldn't solve the case and it took up residence on his fish board. He was just starting to come around from his irritation at not solving that case when Greg was attacked. He felt directly responsible for the young CSI's attack. He was the one who'd sent him out solo. Grissom felt he literally had Greg's blood on his hands. After he'd left the hospital he'd driven in a daze. He wasn't even sure how he made it home. Sara had sensed his mood and had immediately led him to the couch and made him a cup of tea.
"You know Greg doesn't blame you for what happened. None of us do," she had said as she joined him on their couch.
He'd merely given an incredulous shrug as a reply.
"Gil look at me," she'd said, turning his face towards her.
"It could have been any of us. Hell it could have been you."
He'd sighed deeply before replying,
"Sara, it's my job to keep the team safe. I'm responsible for each and everyone of you. Did you know he never told his mom he left the lab?"
"He was worried she'd overreact,' she replied.
"God Sara what would I have told his mother," he said choking back a sob.
She pulled him close whispering soothing words as she ran her fingers through his hair.
A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don't
A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope
A little bit tired of sinkin'
There's water in my boat
I'm barely breathin'
Tryna stay afloat
So I got these quick repairs to cope
Guess I'm just broken and broke
Their next case involved a woman whose body had been found hanging from the rafters of church like some ethereal sacrifice. While Grissom was no longer a practicing Catholic, choosing to practice more of a secular Catholicism, it still troubled him to find a body in the church. As a child, church had always been a refuge, a safe place. He remembered spending hours there reveling in the silence after his dad died. Somehow the silence of the church was soothing compared to the troubled silence he found at home. His apathy was bleeding into more parts of his life, parts he'd been able to successfully compartmentalize in the past. Even Sara had questioned whether she'd insulted him with her religious views. At first he was unsure why she'd even ask such a frivolous question but then he realized that his mood shifts were encroaching on his work hours more and more.
Then they had a case involving two young boys. Cases involving children were always some of the most troubling but this case got to him more than usual. When one of the missing boys, Lucas Hanson's, body turned up, the headache that was a dull throb roared to life. Dealing with the pedophile Carl Fisher sent Grissom over the edge. By the time the case had wrapped he was barely aware of his surroundings and shut himself in the quiet of Brass' office hoping no one would find him there. His migraine had taken on a life of its own and he could barely keep himself conscious, nearly passing out from the pain. When Brass had found him sometime later he'd barely been able to get the word Sara past his lips before he'd rolled over resisting the urge to regurgitate his lunch. Like an angel floating down from Heaven, Sara had swooped in, medication in hand. She gently lifted his head so he could swallow the pills and placed a cool rag across his forehead. Then she gently massaged his temples till he finally drifted off to sleep, letting the pills numb his existence.
The prescriptions on its way
With a name I can't pronounce
And the dose I gotta take
Boy, I wish that I could count
'Cause I just wanna see if this could make me happy
Penny Garden's murder brought with it a new miniature and another unsolved case file on the fish board. The presence of the second miniature was disturbing to say the least as Grissom now knew they were dealing with a serial killer. The detail and care taken to each build was fascinatingly creepy and Sara had commented on how much time he was spending studying them. When a third miniature was discovered a few weeks later, his fascination turned to an all out obsession. All of which did nothing for the migraines that had become a regular part of his life. Sara had become concerned insisting he should see his neurologist.
Like most suggestions as of late he shrugged it off instead choosing to just down more pills when the need arose. Shortly after the third miniature killer murder, he'd received a call from a old friend back east. He was working at a college in Massachusetts and he wanted to know if Grissom had any interest in escaping the desert heat to teach for a month. This wasn't the first invitation he'd received since he and Sara had gotten together, but this was the first one he'd seriously considered. Before he'd politely declined not wanting to spend any time apart from her. Grissom felt he'd done enough of that all the years he been too stupid to do anything about 'this' as he put it. Now however he was exhausted. He felt himself losing the battle with his own sanity. He was hanging on by a thread and that thin, tenuous thread was connected to Sara. She was the only connection he had to the real world. His only connection to light in the monumental darkness he was surrounded by. He was terrified of what would happen if that thread broke. If his act of treading water was no longer successful and he just drowned. He couldn't bear to think of what it would do to her.
Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
Like your body's in the room but you're not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care
Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air
Am I past repair
A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don't
A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope
A little bit tired of sinking
There's water in my boat
I'm barely breathin'
Tryna stay afloat
So I got these quick repairs to cope
Grissom accepted the opportunity at William's College and applied for a sabbatical. Not knowing how to talk to Sara about his impending departure he'd waited. She actually been the one to confront him after finding a letter from Williams among some work files he'd brought home one night. The look on her face as she held up the letter broke his heart. How could he somehow make her understand that his leaving had nothing to do with her. He wasn't leaving her. He could never leave her. He was leaving the blackness that invaded his soul. The darkness that was threatening to take over every corner of his life. Sara had been his only source of joy for months and he was afraid of tainting that, of tainting her. Sara's childhood had been a dark time in her life and she told him that with him she finally had home and a family. Grissom needed her to understand that he didn't want to jeopardize that and if he didn't go away he wasn't sure their little family would survive.
Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like a numb little bug that's gotta survive
That's gotta survive
Grissom had become so numb to the world around him that he knew his only choice had been to leave for Massachusetts. When he'd seen Sara in the locker room he almost changed his mind. Seeing her face, the sadness was evident. He told he'd miss her but that was far from accurate. Miss was too light of a word. Sara had become a part of his very being and leaving her was pure torture.
He boarded the plane and sank into his seat. He thumbed through a forensic journal during takeoff but soon became bored. He was exhausted and decided to see if he could take a nap. He wound up sleeping through the entirety of the flight. He sent Sara a text when he landed letting her know he'd arrived safely. With a level of uncertainty coursing through his veins, he made his way to baggage claim. It wasn't until he stepped outside and winter's chill slapped him in the face that he knew he'd made the right choice. For the first time in months he could feel something even if it wasn't entirely pleasant. He was no longer numb. He had one goal, to fight and claw his way back to Sara. Back to the light, back home, back to his family. He would survive this. They would survive this, it was the only thing left in his life that he was certain of.
Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like a numb little bug that's gotta survive
That's gotta survive
Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
Like your body's in the room but you're not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care
Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air
Am I past repair
A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don't
A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope
A little bit tired of sinking
There's water in my boat
I'm barely breathin'
Tryna stay afloat
So I got these quick repairs to cope