A/N: The song used is Hold On to Me by Lauren Daigle (a truly beautiful song)…I really connected with this song because I feel like often times after a traumatic event we want to be left alone but at the same time we truly rely on those who love us and in the end we know we couldn't make it without them… I know on the show there was only a week between Dead Doll and the airing of A La Carte but I feel in reality with her injuries it would have been more like a month so that's the time line I'm going with.
Special thanks to Van22114, Zygon24 and Windbound for their friendship and support. This has been a rough couple of weeks and I wouldn't have any energy left for writing if not for their encouragement. Three beautiful women that I am eternally grateful to have met through our mutual love of GSR.
It was nearly a month before Sara Sidle felt like she could go out in public again. She still had her cast on, (the doctor said she had another week or so left before it could be removed) but most of her external injuries had faded from view. Her injuries didn't prevent her from going out, at least not her visible ones. She wasn't sure if she'd ever feel 'normal' again but at least she'd reached a point where she could enjoy the company of others without a massive panic attack taking over.
For the past four weeks there was only one person who she'd allowed to help her. Only one person who'd pushed past her defenses and helped her whether she wanted it or not. He was the first person she saw post rescue, and he was the last face she'd see each day before a drug induced slumber took over. She'd never forget that moment when she first came-to in the helicopter.
Sara had walked for so long. Doing whatever she could to just put one foot in front of the other. Feeling a lot like Gretel from the Grimm brothers' tale she'd left rocks behind to track her movements. In the vast landscape of the desert she didn't know which direction she was moving in, only that she was moving forward. She'd recited times tables to keep her conscious and picked herself back up after nearly every fall. She walked far longer than anyone would've expected her to but she had too. Sara Sidle had a reason to live. For the first time in her life she had someone who cared whether she lived or died. For the first time she had a family and a home to come back to.
She'd walked until her legs gave out. Her last conscious thought was one of guilt. Praying to a God she didn't believe in, that he'd take care of Grissom and sending out an apology for not having the strength to go on and make it back to him.
Sara heard the voices, the encouraging words but they seemed so distant, fuzzy as if they were far away even though they were right next to her. Even the whir of the chopper was a dull persistent beat. It wasn't until she felt his touch that she realized it was over; Until he took her hand that she knew she was rescued. When she opened her eyes, the first thing she saw big and bold was his nametag, GRISSOM, and then she knew; She'd made it back to her family, to her home.
When the best of me is barely breathin'
When I'm not somebody I believe in
Hold on to me
The first few days in the hospital she drifted in and out of consciousness. She'd heard the doctors tell Grissom that she was suffering from 2nd degree sunburns, various cuts and bruises, a compound fracture of her ulna and severe dehydration. Her fracture would require surgery to set it and she'd be in a cast for at least 6 weeks.
By day 4 she was more lucid and able to stay awake for a few hours a time. She was much more aware than when she'd first been brought in and that's when the guilt set in again. Sara felt like a failure. She'd let herself get kidnapped and then she'd been unsuccessful in her attempts to escape. Sara had fought like hell to extract herself from under the mustang but couldn't make her way out of the desert. Her thoughts weren't rational, but they were her thoughts none the less. She remembered their first real conversation following her rescue.
"You can go," she croaked out, head turned away in shame, unable to face him.
He'd been keeping a constant vigil at her bedside only leaving once while she was in surgery to shower and grab extra clothes.
"This is where I need to be," he'd simply replied, reaching out to take her hand.
She'd remained silent staring at the far wall as the tears flowed.. Grissom had reached out gently wiping the tears from her face, not bothered by her lack of response.
"All that matters is that you made it out," he said, his own tears finally spilling over. "I knew you'd come back to me. You had to."
Feeling his tears fall on her hand caused hers to fall harder. She didn't deserve this man. For the entirety of Sara's life she'd silently struggled alone. Doing her best to tread water in a sometimes futile effort to keep herself from drowning. No one cared for the little girl who'd suddenly become an orphan and a ward of the state and she was having a hard time believing she was worth caring for now.
When I miss the light the night has stolen
When I'm slammin' all the doors You've opened
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
When Sara was released from the hospital she was relieved and terrified at the same time. Relieved that she was finally going home (as the hospital smells she long ago associated with trauma and pain, turned her stomach). She was terrified because while Sara Sidle was the name on the hospital discharge papers, that wasn't who was going home. She still wasn't sure who that person was.
Sara had wanted to be alone but at the same time she didn't. Her conflicting emotions were exhausting but she often found it a struggle to sleep. She would fight until she lost her battle and Grissom gave her pills prescribed by her attending physician that helped her fall into a dream filled slumber. While the pills knocked her out they didn't stop the nightmares from coming. She often woke up in a cold sweat forgetting where she was, struggling against an invisible attacker. It was in these moments that Gil would pull her close, rubbing soothing circles on her back as he whispered to her that she was safe and that he wasn't alone.
Hold on to me when it's too dark to see You
When I am sure I have reached the end
Hold on to me when I forget I need You
When I let go, hold me again
Sara knew that many people from the lab were concerned and wanted to see her but she wasn't up to visitors. How could she explain to them that she felt she wasn't worth saving. That there were times where she thought they'd wasted time and energy in their search for her.
Gil had fielded many phone calls and politely explained to each caller that Sara was still resting (even if she wasn't) and it would still be a little while till she was well enough for visitors. Sara was ashamed each time she heard him making excuses for her. She didn't want him to have to do that. She didn't want to feel guilty. She didn't want to feel worthless. She just wanted to feel like Sara Sidle again, accomplished level 3 CSI and Gil Grissom's other half (or as he put it, his better half).
When I don't feel like I'm worth defending
When I'm tired of all my pretending
Hold on to me
Sara had been home for 4 days when she decided she would start taking over some of her own self-care needs. She ran herself a bath, finding it easier to keep her cast dry this way. Previously Grissom had run her a bath each day helping her into the tub. He'd then sit on the floor next to her until she was ready to get out, making sure she never felt alone.
Grissom had left to make a quick trip to the grocery store and Sara felt it was the perfect time to start doing things for herself. She ran a bath as she slipped the plastic sleeve the nurse had given her, over her cast. She climbed in and settled against the end of the tub sighing as the heat from the water helped her still aching muscles. Everything was fine until she sank further into the tub, her head slowly slipping under the water. When the water rose above her nose she started to panic, flashing back to the water rushing towards her in the desert and her near drowning. She took in a mouthful of water and her panic rose exponentially as she violently coughed to expel the water. It was at that moment that Grissom, hearing commotion coming from the bathroom, burst through the door. Grissom had immediately lifted her from the tub wrapping her up in a robe hanging behind the door.
Understanding Sara's need for independence and dignity he remained silent as she made her way to their bed before lying down. He quickly shed his shoes and laid down next to her, pulling her close as her tears stained his shirt, the weight of her failure becoming too much for Sara to handle.
When I start to break in desperation
Underneath the weight of expectation
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Sara had been home for 2 weeks and was finally starting to feel a bit more like herself when she told Gil he should meet Jim for a drink. She knew Jim was worried about both of them and while she still wasn't up for visitors she felt it was important that Gil have human contact with someone other than herself. He assured he wouldn't be gone long and she told him not to worry.
Sara was lying in bed with Hank watching TV slowly drifting off to sleep when Hank started whining. She'd rubbed his head and whispered soothing words in an attempt to calm him. Hank's whining and uneasiness continued and if she'd truly felt like herself she would've understood why. He was usually like this for only two reasons. Usually he whined when needed to go out. The other scenario was when a storm was approaching. Sara knew Gil had taken him out before he left so she thought that wasn't the reason but she hadn't thought about an approaching storm as she still wasn't thinking clearly.
She'd gotten out of bed to let him out back just to make sure he didn't need to go again. A few minutes later she was back in their bedroom as Hank had refused to go out when she opened the door to their yard. Feeling a slight chill in the air Sara had decided to grab a sweater from the closet. She was just pulling the sweater off the hanger when the sky shook with a violent clap of thunder followed by an intense streak of lighting before a downpour ensued. Sara was so caught off guard by the storm and the sound of the thunder that she immediately pulled the door closed and curled up in the far corner of the closet.
This is how Grissom found her when he returned. He'd walked in the door calling Sara's name with no response. Assuming she must be sleeping he'd called out Hank's name with the same result. Grissom had made his way to their bedroom where he found Hank guarding the closet door quietly whining in concern.
Sara had no idea how long she'd been sitting there in the dark before she heard the closet door slowly opening. Grissom wordlessly lowered himself to sit beside her as he pulled her into his lap, holding her close as her tears once again started to fall.
Hold on to me when it's too dark to see You (I'll hold on)
When I am sure I have reached the end
Hold on to me when I forget I need You (I'll hold on)
When I let go, hold me again
It was in that moment that Sara Sidle realized it didn't matter if she thought she wasn't worthy of the love and caring that others bestowed upon her. Gil Grissom was going to love her to the end of days just the same. For the first time in her life Sara Sidle had someone who cared. Someone who loved her, even the broken parts.
I could rest here in Your arms forever
'Cause I know nobody loves me better
Hold on to me
Hold on to me