A/N: The song used is "The Last Time," by Taylor Swift featuring Gary Lightbody and it is a heartbreakingly beautiful song. Big thank you to everyone who has reviewed, favorited or followed this story. This means more to me than you will ever know! Shoutout to 3 lovely ladies, Zygon 24, Windbound and Vann2114. This story would not be if not for their support and constant encouragement. Life has been pretty crazy so not sure when I'll be able to update again but I do have several more chapters in the works. To anyone who celebrates Easter or Passover I hope you had/ are having a wonderful holiday!
The day started off like any other. Grissom grumbled as his hand hit the alarm, willing it to stop blaring. Sara, ever the light sleeper, laughed at her lover. She had learned early on in their relationship that Grissom was not a morning person or in their case, a night person. When she'd teased him about it, his simple and honest reply had left her speechless.
"With such beauty found between the sheets, why would I ever want to leave?"
So their routine consisted of him hitting the snooze button while he pulled Sara closer as he buried his face in her hair, a sigh of contentment escaping his lips. Sara would indulge him for nine minutes until the alarm interrupted their bliss once again. Sara would then head to start a pot of coffee while Grissom headed for a shower. Some days she'd join him and others she'd complete chores around the house before taking her turn.
With their jobs being so unpredictable it was this simple routine that helped to ground them. Small gestures that let each other know that they were loved, that someone cared, that they mattered to someone. For Sara these feelings had taken some time getting used to. She had never mattered to anyone before. No one had ever thought her worthy enough to to hit the snooze button for. Most people would think it stupid to be moved by such a small gesture but to Sara Sidle it meant everything and he meant everything to her.
"Hank has a vet appointment at 9. He needs to get his updated Bordetella for the sitters," Sara said as she looked over her daily to do list.
"Barring my boss giving me a really gruesome case, I should be able to take him," she said with a smile.
"Well hopefully he's nice and will go easy on you," he said with a wink. "I unfortunately will be holed up in my office with paperwork this shift. Ecklie sent Catherine after me and she scares me more than he does so it's clear the mountain or face her wrath."
Sara chuckled as she left the kitchen and headed up to take her shower. Time to start the day, she thought with a sigh. While she loved her job there were some days she just wished she could stay in bed. That thought amused her. Sara Sidle had never had anyone she'd willingly play hooky with. Now that she did, the thought held some appeal.
Sara's day had been pretty routine. She had one case where she worked with Nick. It was pretty open and shut. Bank robbery and the thieves had been caught fleeing the scene but some of the cash had been missing and they had been tasked with pulling apart the getaway vehicle looking for any hidden compartments. Four hours later they hit pay dirt locating the missing money in a hidden compartment in the dash. Looking at her watch she realized she wouldn't be able to take Hank. She was covered in grease and reeked of stale cigarettes, a smell that had permeated the entire vehicle. Before heading to the locker room she went to Grissom's office.
He looked up after hearing the soft knock on his door frame.
"Hey," she said with a smile
"Hey yourself," he said with a loving smile gracing his face.
"I won't be able to take Hank. Can you take him? I still need to shower and change and his appointment is in an hour."
"Sure, but you look fine, actually you're ravishing," he said, his voice lowering an octave. She chuckled, shaking her head. For some reason he seemed to love seeing her in coveralls.
"Yes well I don't agree plus I reek," she said scrunching up her nose.
"Make me a fragrance that smells like love," Grissom quoted with a sparkle in his eyes.
"Shakespeare?" she questioned.
"No Christian Dior actually."
"Well I'm going to head to the showers. I'll hit the supermarket on my way home and pick up something for dinner. Any requests?"
"Surprise me," he said and she blew him a kiss before retreating to the locker room.
An hour later Sara was feeling human again as she grabbed the last of her belongings from her locker. Her cell buzzed and she looked to see it was Grissom calling her.
"Hey," she said sweetly as she answered.
"Hey honey can you do me a favor? I left a stack of files on my desk and I need to get them finished before shift tomorrow and in my haste to get Hank I forgot to grab them."
"Sure thing. Speak of the devil, how is he holding up?" Sara asked knowing how much Hank disliked going to the vet.
"Well everything's ok but we haven't gotten out of the car yet. I just pulled into the parking lot of the V-E-T's office and he hasn't noticed yet."
Sara laughed at Grissom's spelling. If they even mentioned the word in passing Hank would bolt from the room engaging them in a game of hide and seek.
"Okay, well good luck. I'll see you soon."
Sara went to Grissom's office grabbing the requested files before heading toward the supermarket. Her trip was short. She decided she felt like Gil's famous vegetable lasagna for dinner and she knew he wouldn't mind making it. She grabbed the necessary ingredients along with a few other items before heading to the check out. She loaded three bags into her car and made the short trip home.
Sara Sidle was nothing if not stubborn and she was insistent she could carry the 3 bags plus the casefiles in one trip. She forged ahead forgetting about having to unlock the door. She was able to balance the case files on her hip while the bags hung from her arms. Everything was fine until the door unlocked and gave way under her weight swinging open wildly. Upsetting her equilibrium, the case files and bags went flying out of her hands and onto the floor.
Sara let out a curse as she dropped to the floor. She started picking up the papers that now littered the floor when she let out another curse jerking her hand back. She looked down at the nasty paper cut on her hand thinking about something Greg had said a few weeks back.
"Hey Sar' you ever wonder why paper cuts hurt so much?"
Sara looked up from her coffee mug giving him a shrug.
"To be honest Greg I never really thought about it."
"I mean how can something thin and made out of paper do that much damage. I swear it's worse than a scalpel."
She chuckled at the memory before looking down at the offending piece of paper. She noticed it was an official letter of some sort from Williams College in Massachusetts. Curiosity got the better of her as she began to read the letter:
Dear Dr. Grissom,
It is with great pleasure that I welcome you to the Williams Family. We are honored that you have accepted a teaching position with us. As a reminder there will be a welcome dinner for all new faculty members on…
Sara sank to the floor struggling to breathe. She realized bitterly that Greg really had no idea how painful a paper cut could be as this one had just sliced her heart in two. Tears stained her shirt but she barely noticed their presence. With an energy and resolve she didn't know she possessed she rose throwing the now crumpled letter back down. She grabbed her keys and headed back out to her car not caring about the files or groceries that still littered the floor. Numbly she started her car heading out of their quiet neighborhood. She headed toward her nearly vacant apartment not really knowing where else to go; thankful that she still had two months left on her lease.
Grissom walked into the townhouse trying to control a very excited Hank. He had just taken him to the vet, an anxious affair and now Hank was burning off some of the nervous energy he'd stored up. He was hoping Sara would already be home but not seeing her prius in their driveway he surmised she must still be grocery shopping. When he finally closed the door behind him he noticed the chaos that lay before him.
Three shopping bags lay on the floor with half of their contents spilled. Next to them were some case files he'd asked Sara to grab for him. The papers were scattered across the floor and he began to panic. He hadn't seen her car but he yelled her name anyway. No answer. He raced around their home in hopes of finding her but the place was empty save for him and Hank. He called her cell and it went straight to voicemail. On a whim he called her home phone but wasn't surprised when he got her machine. She was hardly ever there. Most of her belongings had been moved to his place, their place as he liked to call it. All non essentials had been boxed up and would be moved into storage over the next few weeks.
He called her cell in another futile attempt before reaching out to Catherine. He knew she'd still be at the lab finishing up some paperwork from a case she just closed.
"Hey Gil, to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Have you seen Sara? Brass just called with a lead on one of our cases," he hoped his lie was believable.
"No she's not here. I'm assuming you've tried her on both phones? I'd say maybe she's home and forgot to charge her phone. You know how many times I leave my cordless phone off the cradle?"
"Yeah that's probably it, well I'm not far so I guess I'll just swing by her place. Thanks Cath."
Grissom sighed as he hung up the phone. Looking at the mess on the floor he willed himself not to panic. Surely there was a logical explanation. Any minute now Sara would walk through the door perfectly fine and he'd be laughing at her off the wall explanation. That was it. Well that had to be it because Grissom didn't want to think otherwise. He started cleaning up the floor when he noticed a balled up piece of paper. He quickly picked it up and as he opened it his heart rate increased and his head started spinning. In a flash he secured Hank in his Kennel and was running out the door.
He made it to Sara's apartment building in record time and was relieved to see her car parked in the lot. He quickly pulled in next to her car and took a deep breath. He remembered the early days of their relationship and the many times he visited her and all the nerves he'd felt in the beginning. Hard not to be nervous when a woman as amazing as Sara Sidle invites you into her world. She'd given him a key and he'd done the same. Depending on who finished shift first that's whose house they'd wind up at. He'd told her once he felt bad if she was asleep and he distured her but she said he'd feel even worse if she found out that he wasn't using the key she gave him. Taking one last deep breath he exited his car wishing this visit could be like all the ones before, but knowing deep down it wasn't.
Find myself at your door
Just like all those times before
I'm not sure how I got there
All roads, they lead me here
I imagine you are home
In your room, all alone
And you open your eyes into mine
And everything feels better
When Sara got to her apartment she made her way to her bedroom. There was no furniture left but at least the bedroom had wall to wall carpeting. She leaned against a far wall before sinking to the ground pulling her knees into her chest. The sobs that had begun early only intensified. She knew Grissom had been struggling lately; anyone could see that. He was more tired than usual, his migraines more frequent and he generally let cases get to him more than they normally would. Sara had tried her best to relieve his stress and keep him happy and anytime she questioned him he reassured her that everything was fine and that she was doing just that.
But in two weeks time he would be moving to Massachusetts taking a professorship and Sara felt that her world had been a big lie. Why had he asked her to move in with him? Did he just want someone to watch his house before he found the time to sell it? Based on the date of the letter (3 weeks prior) this seemed like a fairly recent development. Was this permanent? She had no clue. The letter only welcomed him to the 'Williams Family' and said nothing about length of service, though if it's a professorship he'll probably be there for at least a term which could be 4-5 months?
A Million thoughts were running through her head and none of them were positive. She had waited years for her chance with Grissom, had nearly lost all hope and then a series of unfortunate events brought about the greatest change to Sara's life. For the first time in her life she was loved by someone unconditionally. For the first time she didn't just have a house she had a home. It didn't matter where she slept, if he was beside her, then she was home.
And right before your eyes
I'm breaking
No past, no reasons why
Just you and me
Grissom entered Sara's apartment building mentally preparing himself for her anger. He was prepared for her to scream, to yell. He was not prepared for the sight that greeted him. He slowly opened her front door and saw nothing but the half dozen or so boxes that littered her kitchen and living room. After a moment he heard sobs coming from the bedroom and quickly made his way to her side. Seeing her curled up on the floor broke his heart. While he'd had his reasons for not telling her sooner all his good intentions seem to fly out the window. The truth was he didn't know how to explain to her how he felt. Never being good with words, it was easier just to focus on happy moments with Sara. How could he explain to her that he felt that his entire world was being sucked into a black hole. For months the only thing that had kept the blackness at bay was her love. And it was that love that he was so worried about tainting. Worried that it too would fall victim to the never ending darkness invading his universe.
Sara had been so patient with him for years. Giving him chance after chance and excusing behavior that was frankly inexcusable. Knowing her history, how could he make her believe that his leaving had nothing to do with her, but was for her, for the family they'd created with one another. Sara had seen some awful sides of him. But these feelings he was having, these he couldn't let her see. He had chided her in the past for getting too close to certain victims, for getting too emotionally attached to certain cases. He was now doing the same thing. He couldn't let her see that he was imploding. That emotionally he was a ticking time bomb. He couldn't do that to her. She deserved better. She deserved nothing but the best and for some God forsaken reason for her that was him.
Normally if she was upset with something he'd try to comfort her by putting his arms around her and he would reassure her with soothing words. This time he knew that wouldn't work. This time he just needed to be honest and let the chips fall where they may. She deserved his honesty. She'd flinched when he sat down next to her so he made no moves to touch her.
"When I was kid I'd wait everyday for my dad to get home, excited to tell him about my day. I barely spoke in school and signing to my mother was not the same thing. We'd sit and talk for hours. About everything and nothing at all. He thought no question was silly and boy did I have a lot of them. It was as if he was doing double duty. Speaking for both himself and my mother. After he died I noticed for the first time how quiet my house was. Before he'd come home from work, the house would be filled with a nervous anticipation and that had its own form of noise. Afterward the house was filled with a deafening silence. I barely spoke because well there was no one to listen to me so I no longer felt the need to.
When I would do lectures or seminars of course I'd have to speak but no one was there to hear what I had to say. They wanted to hear what the great Dr. Gilbert Grissom had to say. No one wanted to hear me speak. That all changed in the late 90's when I was in San Francisco for the Forensic Science Academy conference. I met the most enchanting woman while I was there. For some unexplained reason she was the first person since my dad that really wanted to hear what I had to say. She spent hours really talking with me. Asking questions about the man and not just the scientist.
After one week I knew I was a goner. I was lost but I was happy. The happiest I'd ever been. But then I realized I was also terrified. Do you know how terrifying real beauty is? For the first time in over 30 years words mattered. I had to watch what I said, how I said it. I guess for most people that's not such a big deal but when you've spent the better part of your life being silent, it's… well let's just say it's one of the most challenging things I ever had to face. More often than not I said the wrong thing or said something hurtful (even if I didn't mean it to be) so over time I learned maybe it was best if I just stuck to what I'm good at, which is saying nothing at all.
I gave up on myself a long time ago but you never did. You were adamant we belonged together and I will be forever grateful that you didn't give up on me. Your patience is one of your greatest qualities.
When we got together I started feeling things. Experiencing life in ways I never had before. The world is full of so much beauty that I never knew existed until I met you. You taught me how to feel.
I know I'm one of the biggest hypocrites. I've been telling you for years to be careful, not to get too emotionally involved in cases and then I started doing exactly what I told you not to do. I started feeling everything deeply and not everything was positive. My anger and frustration with the world has grown. Why can't things always be as you showed them to me? Sara I'm tired. So tired that the only things I look forward to are the times I spend with you.
A friend back east called me two months ago asking me if I'd be interested in teaching for a month. At first I thought I couldn't do that. Life was too hectic and I couldn't leave you. But as the days went on I realized, I need to leave. The blackness that had started creeping up on me was engulfing me and the last straw was when it invaded the times I was with you. My moods are increasingly sour and my migraines are more frequent and intense. I can't let my problems become yours. I can't let anything taint your beauty."
You find yourself at my door
Just like all those times before
You wear your best apology
But I was there to watch you leave
And all the times I let you in
Just for you to go again
Disappear when you come back
Everything is better
Grissom had no idea how long they both sat in silence contemplating his words. Though her head was still tucked against her knees, Sara started speaking:
"A month?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.
Grissom, not sure what she said, asked her to repeat her question.
While her voice was still barely a whisper he heard this time.
"Yes the seminar is 4 weeks long," Grissom replied matter of factly until the weight of her question hit him like a ton of bricks. She didn't think he was leaving, leaving did she?
"Sara, Sara please look at me," he pleaded.
When she didn't move he turned to kneel in front of her placing his hands on top of hers.
"Sara I'm not LEAVING I just need to regroup. I just need to rid myself of all the dark thoughts that keep plaguing me but I'm coming back."
Sara still didn't react and Grissom realized he couldn't blame her. Their relationship had been one step forward two steps back for far longer than it had been them both moving forward in the same direction. With the years of precedent guiding her feelings it's no wonder she questioned him.
"Sara, I promise you I'm only going to be gone a month. Besides if I stayed away any longer Ecklie might get the wrong idea. I'm sure he'd love to see me go but I only told him 4 weeks. Plus you wouldn't want Catherine in charge any longer than that would you? I think the idea of a month is already getting her to head." he tried to joke with her hoping that would lighten the mood but it seemed to only make it worse.
Sara lifted her head to look at him before speaking, venom clearly present in her eyes.
"Does the entire lab know? What about Nick and Warrick? Or Hodges even? Does he know? Does everyone know but me?"
It was then that Grissom realized the grave miscalculation he made in waiting to tell her. She thought she was of so little importance to him that he could save telling her for last.
And right before your eyes
I'm aching
Run fast, nowhere to hide
Just you and me
This is the last time I'm asking you this
Put my name at the top of your list
This is the last time I'm asking you why
You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye
Sara stood up, brushing past him as she headed for the bathroom; not bothering to hear what he had to say. Hearing the door slam shut Grissom sighed. How was he going to make her understand why he did what he did? That she was wrong in her assumption that she didn't matter when he was making his decision. How could he make her see she had it wrong? That she mattered the most, and the decision was made because of her.
This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong
He waited a minute before knocking on the door.
"Sara, please let me explain," Grissom said, his voice tinged with quiet desperation. "You have to understand."
This is the last time I say it's been you all along
Sara collapsed on the floor, sobbing once again. She wanted to believe him but he'd hurt her so many times before that she was wary. She knew deep down that it wasn't fair to constantly hold the past against him but Sara Sidle did not become a survivor by being fooled. Sara Sidle had clawed her way through hell when no one else was there to care if she made it out or not. This was the first time in her life that her well-being, her safety, hell her happiness depended on someone else and it was frightening.
The little sleep she normally got was reduced to nothing if he wasn't lying next to her. She ate regularly because he always made sure she stopped to eat even if she was annoyed by the stop in her momentum. Making him happy made her happy. Happier than she ever thought she could be. Being loved by him, well that, it… it made her whole.
This is the last time I let you in my door
Grissom had been pleading with Sara for the last two minutes to open the door. He tried explaining to her why he delayed telling her. He did his best to explain but even he wasn't convinced. He begged her to understand and told her he couldn't leave unless he knew she understood, unless he knew she'd be waiting for him when he returned.
This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore
Sara unlocked the door but left it closed. Grissom cautiously opened the door and joined Sara on the floor. When she didn't flinch he pulled into his side, resting her head on his shoulder. That is how they stayed, both silently weeping. Grissom remorseful for the pain he caused her, and Sara grieving for her lover who was obviously in so much pain. Sara knew she'd be there when he returned, how could she not? When she divulged her biggest secret he hadn't run like she'd expected him too. He helped her when she was at her lowest and now it was her turn to return the favor.
This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this
This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this