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Hello.
I imagine this is the first time you and I have conversed in a while. It has been a long time, hasn't it? Has it been months, or has it been years? I thought it would be pointless to return to you.
I thought the day would never come, the need would never arise.
And yet, here I am. Coming to see you once more.
Within the hushed embrace of a magnificent, albeit dimly lit theatre, a silhouette stepped in from the entrance. While its figure was difficult to discern in the darkness, its posture was calm and collected as it proceeded to stride across the empty audience seats.
Who am I, you ask?
If you're wondering who I am…Then I will make it clear.
My name is Akemi Homura.
Not to take a seat…but to take the stage. That was the destination this raven-haired girl was eyeing, with a deep burning determination in her eyes.
Akemi, meaning bright and beautiful.
Homura, meaning flames.
"A bright, beautiful flame". That is the name I was blessed with, and the name I was cursed with.
As she stepped onto the stage, and into a fiery illumination, a black feathered dress befitting a demon could be seen garmenting her body. Were it not for the chandelier suspended above the stage, its burning light bringing, this theatre would have been cast in utter darkness.
What a joke, honestly. A bright flame? More like a withering candle. One that flickers day by day, moment by moment, threatening to give in at a moment's notice.
You know, I never needed to be convinced much of the existence of witches. From the moment I was born, my life hung in the balance. As if hundreds of witches had banded together to curse me at birth, ensuring I had the loneliest, most miserable life possible.
As if in tune with her words, the fire couldn't help but flicker, again and again, as if even bringing light to this performance took everything it had. Meanwhile, the raven-haired girl continued to walk onward through the stage. She joined the carefully arranged set, with standing dolls dressed up in pretty outfits welcoming her arrival. Blue, yellow, red…and pink.
For as long as I can remember, I've been alone.
If you ask me why, I wouldn't have much of a response. I suppose I have simply been…a little unluckier than others.
Deemed sick at birth. Regular visits to the hospital, which escalated into long stays at the hospital. A mother that lost hope in my recovery very early on. Before I knew it, I could no longer understand the concept of a "normal life". That which those around me seemed able to live so normally. Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, the gap between me and others only grew and grew.
Large, hanging clocks gently descended from the grid above, surrounding her and the dolls. Their hands stuck at midnight, yet ticking nonetheless.
What was friendship? What were bonds? I couldn't explain it at the time, but it always felt like the way doctors and nurses would smile at me…was a little different from the way they would pleasantly chat with one another, laugh, exchange jokes and perform idle chatter just outside the room.
Many times I wished to get better, many times I was told I would get better. I hoped it was true, not because I cared about getting better, but because I wanted to make new friends. I wanted to go out with them, eat at sweetshops, shop for cute dresses, watch nice shows together, maybe visit a theme park and maybe even go on rollercoasters. Having fun, real fun, with others my age…whatever that was supposed to entail.
Still, many times I did not get better. And the few times I did, it was almost like a punishment for feeling hope…
A few times I was discharged, and sent to school, only to feel scared and isolated, and be the target of cruel words. Something horrific would flare up – and before I'd know it, I was back in the hospital. Back at square one.
For a time, she watched the clocks. Wondering whether they would move even a second more.
Soon, breakthroughs in technology had meant brand new surgery techniques could be used to help my various conditions. By the 16th of March, my recovery from the surgery had officially finished. After a rest period, I would be sent to live at my new accommodation and begin attending Mitakihara Middle School.
I dreaded that the same would happen.
Not the collapsing – I was used to that part. But that my fantasy of being normal… my desire to have friends… would once more be taken, and stomped into the dirt.
When I showed up at that school, and heard them making fun of me, I was so scared it would be the same. That things like friendship, the joys of a normal life, were beyond the likes of me.
Before turning to face the pink doll. The last of the dolls, garmented in a magical pink ensemble, adorned with pink ribbons and accents.
That all changed…with her.
The raven-haired demon lowered herself to the floor, gently grasped hold of its extended gloved hand. Then, from this kneeling position, her lips kissed the offered hand. Touched the white silk covering it. Was the act more like a knight to her princess, or was it more like a criminal, begging for forgiveness? Even she did not know. All she knew was that this scene, this world, these thoughts…are the tableau to a devotion no one else will ever understand.
In a world where dreams don't come true, she showed me that my dream could.
That's why I dedicated myself to her - why we dedicated ourselves to her.
Do you understand… Me?
Just beyond this scene, in the darkness behind the stage, stood a shaking girl. Her own dark hair all tied up in messy twintails, red-framed glasses yet to be adjusted, and past it, a disturbed expression on her face. A second, younger Akemi Homura.
With that, she pointed her finger at that Homura.
I've come here for one reason, and one reason only. To ask, just what kind of sick game are you playing right now...? Do you really have her best interests in mind?
A- ah… The other Homura stumbled a bit further back, not saying a word, only clutching her chest either by habit or instinct.
The devil Homura sighed, parting from the pink doll. Placing her arms behind her back, she started to pace across the stage, speaking, or perhaps thinking in a sharp tone.
Remember what our aim is. Obviously, we cannot remain a human for long. Our priority is to last as long as possible. The ideal is if we can last until the 1st of May. At that point, the available wish we have to Incubator is our best shot at ending Walpurgisnacht. You understand that, right?
I… I do… The other her responded nervously.
As is, things are already difficult. Sayaka nearly died, didn't she? We ourselves nearly died, properly died. It's one thing to want to hold onto your wish, it's another to get yourself KILLED trying to stay true to that. You shouldn't even be here anymore. Exactly how much are you interfering with my decisions?
…I…
The other her looked down to the floor.
…I'm not. I want to protect Kaname-san too.
One Homura faced the other with a cold stare.
That's right. It's for Madoka's sake. We need to hold onto this wish for Madoka's sake, responded the devil. If we die, who's going to protect her? Nobody. Nobody at all…
Yeah… I… I understand that.
And yet, a few major errors have been made leading up to this point. I suspect you're the cause. But no longer. From now on, we're playing it safe. We won't get involved any longer, we won't spend our time on pointless drivel. Do you understand me? This is for Madoka's sake.
…I do. It's for Kaname-san's… sake, after all.
So you DO UNDERSTAND! The last line came out in a furious yell, Homura closing in on her younger counterpart with a deep, dark, frustrated glare. Dark violet eyes met bright violet eyes, burning into them with hatred and self-loathing.
E- eek-?! The younger Homura flinched back, the sheer intensity of it catching her off-guard, losing her balance as she stumbled to the floor, her red-framed glasses falling off.
We shouldn't be getting involved at all! So I want to ask you, other me… If you really have her best interests in mind, if we've dedicated ourselves to being cold and pragmatic, to making only the best decisions… then WHY does THIS exist?!
The devil Homura shoved a phone down towards her counterpart's face.
On it, read the message:
「Akemi-sannn, hope you show up to school tomorrow! Let's go to the mall after, okayyy (◕▿◕)」
And her response:
「Sounds good to me」
W- well, that… t- that was just… At that, the younger Homura stuttered for a response.
That wasn't a text from Madoka. It was a text from Hitomi - someone who was completely uninvolved in all of this, and would never be involved in any of this. Her reasoning for agreeing at the time was to get Hitomi off her back, but in truth, she hadn't paid it much thought.
We should be protecting Madoka. We shouldn't even be wasting our time with people who can't even be assets, don't you UNDERSTAND that?
That's just- I didn't-
If we're going to waste our time on anyone, it should be preparations for Sakura Kyoko. Someone who we need on our side at all costs. Exactly what benefit is Shizuka Hitomi, who has no potential to even be a magical girl, supposed to bring…?
That's-
Or… The devil inched closer, tossing the phone aside before gripping her counterpart's face tightly. Could it be that you still cling onto that fantasy? That concept of a normal life…? In these past few weeks, have you started to actually think that this, THIS, she gestures to her body, this weak, pathetic, useless body we own is something we should actually be KEEPING?
With her other hand, she briefly snatched up the fallen glasses. Only now, instead of red frames, it was black frames. Or is this what you're getting attached to? Don't you think it's a little late to be making unnecessary bonds…?
The devil tossed the glasses aside, letting go of her other self…then turned her back, facing the theatre audience once more. In the seats were countless dressed up dolls, among them Pride, Pessimism, Liar, Coldheartedness, Selfishness, Slander, Blockhead, Jealousy, Laziness, Vanity, Cowardice, Stupid-Looking, Inferiority, and Stubbornness, all watching the performance quietly.
"Akemi Homura is fated to be a magical girl," the devil declared clearly to the audience. "That is the only way this cycle can continue, and the only way it can end. The only way we can keep burning, instead of going out like a candle on a winter night. Madoka must be saved."
Meanwhile, in the illuminated light, the devil could be seen to wear a witch's hat. Looking less and less human, it started to levitate above the stage, past the dolls, the hanging clocks, soaring into the air above.
And you must remember to place her first. At all times…at ALL times.
The raven-haired Homura on the floor continued to shiver and shake, holding herself tightly on the wooden boards. Tears started to well up from her eyes.
I… I understand… I-… I'm sorry, the other her whispered. I… I need to do better. For Kaname-san-
Her words, her breath, was cut short, as the witch suddenly enveloped the fires on the chandelier. EXTINGUISHING them... and thrusting the theatre into total, absolute darkness.
Ah-?
You already sacrificed your humanity, and the mortal world, long ago. How fortunate it is that you can now do it twice.
Below in the sudden pitch-black, the dolls from the audience finally begun to move. The sounds of their movements could be heard, skittering and clammering up onto the stage. Clatter clatter clatter clatter. In the dark, the Homura left behind realized what was happening, rushing to escape, but it was already too late – they had surrounded her with long, violet glowing spears, more and more enclosing in, reaching out, entrapping her from all sides of the stage. Clatter clatter clatter clatter.
Remember – your soul is a disposal tool.
Clatter clatter clatter clatter. As the abandoned Homura started to panic, scrambling to get back up, to break free from wooden grips, they prepared their blades with vigorous cackles and clatterings and readied them above her
A TOOL TO OBTAIN
and plunged them in
A BRAND NEW SOUL GEM-
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Wednesday, April the 6th
Homura snapped awake with a sudden, violent gasp.
Her heart was beating fast, breath coming forth in ragged bursts. She had to take a second just to remain in place, calm herself, focus on her breathing…
As she sat up from the table, her gaze darted around the room, almost like searching for a little comfort in her familiar surroundings. The calendar on her wall, the desk, some books scattered about, the hanging clock reading 6:21 AM. The computer right in front of her, and sunlight rays shining in through the window's curtains.
Right. Here, it's just, it's just her room. No creepy dark theatres. No dolls, no witches, and no executions. Still, for some reason, it felt almost unfamiliar. As if that dream, or perhaps nightmare, had lasted an eternity. The ill girl couldn't help but clutch at her chest, which ached in faint bouts of pain.
Her stiff body, tired and exhausted, found itself on a chair – she must have fallen asleep at the desk while…
"…"
Her gaze turned to the contents of the computer. It was still displaying multiple visual feeds, displaying the area in and around Mami's apartment. Last night, she'd been staying up just to monitor Mami and Sayaka's activities. A sickly feeling started to well up inside of her.
This isn't… what friends do, she couldn't help but think to herself, suppressing a brief sense of nausea. No friend would do this. There's no way friendship can justify this. This is pathetic. I'm pathetic. Madoka… What am I doing, exactly…?
Homura lay her head back on the desk, letting out a small, pained groan.
"Nyan," said Amy, tapping her head with its paw.
"Oh…"
A drained Homura slowly turned to the black cat, sitting on the desk besides the computer. From her self-loathing, she tried to pull herself together a little. "Hello, Amy. Do you need more food…?"
"Nyan," it responded.
"I see. Please, give me just a moment…" Her body moved on its own, pouring some food into a bowl for Amy.
She felt disorientated, but she had to keep moving. That nightmare had certainly reminded her of one thing. What she was aiming for, and what she had to…what she absolutely had, had, HAD TO DO from this point forth. Unnecessary risks needed to be taken out, and the superfluous needed to fall away.
"Nyan," Amy thanked her, digging in.
As for Homura, she sat back on her chair, collecting her thoughts. Today was Wednesday. April 6th. Kyoko should have arrived in Mitakihara by now, and tonight, Homura will be able to confront her for the first time at a certain location she always visits.
As a Puella Magi, the two of them had always been able to stand on some kind of similar ground. But as a human, convincing Kyoko to help her in any form was going to be vastly more difficult. Much of her future success may well depend on how well this particular meeting goes.
Briefly, Homura pulled back her right sleeve – hidden underneath, that long yellow ribbon remained wrapped around her skin, binding to it softly yet tightly. Mami's gift, as well as her one true functional self-defense weapon against a Witch. Supposedly, it had power equivalent to a Tiro Finale. All she needed to do to activate it was pull it off…
Let's not set it off now, the girl thought, putting her sleeve back down. While she trusted Mami enough to know this had to be safe, there was still a lingering paranoia about what might happen if it triggered by some accident or random event. At the time she'd asked for out for reasons of efficiency, but now that she'd spent a few nights with it on, and even showered with it, the more technical problems about this were beginning to present themselves.
Would that blow up her arm? Perhaps her whole body? Or were there any safety mechanisms in place? Was she, in fact, walking around with the equivalent of a bomb strapped to herself…?
"…ugh…"
Homura shook her head, wiping a bit of the sweat from her forehead, then moved onto thinking about other matters. She was already used to working with explosives, sure. But that was as a magical girl. With this body, a single mistake in so many different areas really could spell death. Perhaps a text to Mami couldn't hurt. Other than that, speculating would only lead to further paranoia and stress.
Anyway, the plan. At school today, she would refuse Hitomi's invitation. Once the situation between Madoka and Sayaka was properly observed, and Madoka's safety was guaranteed for another day, she would return home and continue to monitor the Puella Magi until it was nighttime, at which point she would go to meet-
" TSUTAEATTA KOKORO NO ONDO WO "
Amy jumped up with a start.
Putting a halt to the loud ringtone, Homura quickly answered her phone. "Hello?"
"Homura-chan, hi! Are you doing okay?!" On the other side of the phone was Madoka, sounding worried.
Warmth felled up within at hearing that voice. After last night's nightmare, even just this sound filled Homura's chest with light and relief, a soothing sensation that brought ease to her stresses…
Although, this warmth was followed quickly after by confusion. "Yes. Did something happen? I was just about to get ready for school."
"Um… Homura-chan. It's, it's already 9 AM?"
"…ah?"
Homura looked at her clock again, which still read 6:21. Except, it was longer ticking, but rather had frozen. The battery was dead. She glanced at her computer next, noting that neither Mami nor Sayaka was sleeping. In other words,
"I overslept… Apologies, I'm coming over now!"
With that, the raven-haired girl hastily started to get herself ready. Though attending school on time wasn't a real priority for her, she still needed to be there to observe the others as much as possible.
"Jeez, Homura-chan. Okay… just take it easy, okay? Don't push yourself if you're not feeling well," Madoka assured her brightly. "Also, Hitomi-chan says hi!"
A pause. Right, their mall plans should probably be cancelled. The response was thoughtless, the stakes were too high, and the individual in question was not someone who needed to be indulged any further. This day was simply too important to be spending on anything else.
"Ah yes. Tell her-"
"I hope we can still visit the mall later… Hitomi-chan invited me too, hope that's okay!"
"…ah?"
For the second time in a row, Homura let out a brief sound of incredulousness.
"…That's okay, yes. I'm looking forward to it too." And against her better judgment, the subsequent response slipped out of her mouth.
Curse you, Shizuka Hitomi, she thought to herself. Have you already seen through me…?
"I'm glad! See you at school, okay? I'll put this away before I get in trouble…"
"Okay. See you… Madoka."
…
Once the call ended, Homura couldn't help but stare out into space for a little while. Thoughts crossing her mind. Was this necessary? Was this okay? Did she have time for this? Did she deserve this? So far, most of her actions had served a purpose. To establish needed ground, to be there during a Witch attack, to further one goal or another. But this…
Maybe, maybe there would be another Witch at the mall… a Witch she should be at Madoka's side to protect from, just in case? Or maybe… Maybe Incubator would show up right there to try and force a new contract with Madoka, so she needed to be there to prevent that?
Yes. Yes, either of those were certainly not impossible. Yes, certainly, there was logical basis for it. If Madoka was going to head out, she should continue to ensure their safety until they get home, and then she can move onto confronting Kyoko…
"…Mm." Homura rubbed her head.
Before nodding to herself, gathering up her things for school.
"Nyan," said Amy, watching her as she left.
"Bye for now, Amy," responded Homura, giving the cat a wave, then setting out once ready.
Whatever happens from here, there was no doubt it was going to be a hectic day.
The next stage was opening up at last in Mitakihara City. And for those who aren't magical girls, fantastical powers like stopping or resetting time simply don't exist. Enough time had passed, and enough preparation had been made. If she couldn't be ready for Sakura Kyoko now, she never will. As for what awaited beyond that, only the future would tell.
A future that, as of right now, she had to ready herself for. Not knowing what to expect, she steeled her resolve, reigniting the various goals she had set in her mind, and walked out the building, heading towards Mitakihara Middle School.
And all the while… The former Soldier of Time repeated a single mantra to herself.
"I need to do better," Homura whispered under her breath quietly.
"I need to do better…"
"I need to do better…"
"I need to do better…"
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Hehehe.
Hehehehehehe.
Earlier I decided to spontaneously give writing the next chapter a go, and to my surprise, it honestly flowed really easily, almost like no time had passed at all?!
This is a transitionary chapter, partly to get readers refreshed on the world of Kreise Der Spiralen, partly to provide deeper insight into the mind of our depowered Akemi Homura, and partly to finish setting up the next stage of this story.-
For some of you, it's been some time, hasn't it? For others, hello, greetings! I find myself wondering, is it still legal to update a piece of media after another five years? I mean, 2019 to 2024, that's certainly something. And this fic classifies as over ten years old now, gosh, what the heck. It feels like I've come a long way in life, so between the upcoming release of the fourth Madoka Movie at last, having developed healthier writing routines, and being around friends who also feel passionate for Madoka Magica, I've begun to feel really, actually motivated to update this again. Lately I've been working on other writing projects, but I've always looked fondly back on this as something I'm proud of, and something that's served as a benchmark for more of my original stuff. All that in mind, I'd hate to leave this as a dead fic.
A number of times throughout my life, I've found myself thinking back to this, wondering whether I would find time to return to it again. Truth is my old self plotted much of "Kreise Der Spiralen" back in 2013-2015, notes which I managed to recover today.
While I don't know how soon I'll be writing the next chapter, writing this one made me feel good!
If you're coming back after a very long time, thank you so much for your loyalty, so sorry to keep you waiting so very long! And if you're reading Kreise Der Spiralen for the first time, don't worry about me dear readers, just await the next chapter!