Author's Note: Behold, a remake of my old story, Beetlejuice Checks In.
As some of you know, I wrote a story a long time ago about Beetlejuice in the Hazbin Hotel. But because of a great lack of knowledge about how the lore worked or everyone's roles in the overall story, I had no idea how to get far with it. Thanks to Amazon Prime making it an official show and adding in new revelations and backstories, I feel that the best move is to remake my old story. So here we are.
I know everyone's asking which Beetlejuice I'm working with: the movie version, the cartoon version, or the Broadway version. I've decided to make my own version made of the best of each of the others plus a bit more to my own design.
Of course, what's Hazbin Hotel without musical numbers? Now, I'm currently trying to figure out who to fit all the songs in my chapters. Usually, with musical stories, I usually fit one song in each chapter. I'm not used to multiple. For now, I'm settling with just one song in this chapter, and we'll see where we go from there. Some of the songs, I'll rewrite entirely since they belong to Hazbin Hotel, but others will be parodies of other songs. Either way, I do not own the original songs. They belong to their respective owners.
The song featured here is a parody of "The Whole Being Dead Thing" from Beetlejuice the Musical. A fitting song if I do say so myself.
One more thing. The story itself is rated M for mature, but I have limits as to what I'm allowing to be in here. For example, I am willing to use swear words, but no hardcore words such as the F bomb, the C word, or anything like that. Also, I won't be writing the sexual stuff.
I hope everyone enjoys this fanfic. Any and all comments are welcome.
"Once upon a time, there was a glowing city protected by golden gates, known as Heaven. It was ruled by beings of pure light. Angels that worshiped good and shielded all from evil. Lucifer was one of these angels.
"He was a dreamer with fantastical ideas for all of creation. But, he was seen as a troublemaker by the elders of Heaven. For they felt his way of thinking was dangerous to the order of their world. So, he watched as the angels began to expand the universe in their ways.
"From the dust of Earth, they created Adam and Lilith. Equals as the first of mankind, but despite this, Adam demanded control, and Lilith refused to submit to his will. She fled the Garden of Eden.
"Drawn in by her fierce independence, Lucifer found her and the two rebellious dreamers fell deeply in love. Together, they wished to share the magic of free will with humanity, offering the Fruit of Knowledge to Adam's new bride, Eve, who gladly accepted. But this gift came with a curse. For with this single act of disobedience, evil finally found its way into the Earth. With it, a new realm of darkness and sin. And the order Heaven worked to maintain was shattered.
"As punishment for their reckless act, Heaven cast Lucifer and his love into the dark pit he had created, never allowing him to see the good that came from humanity, only the cruel and the wicked. Ashamed, Lucifer lost his will to dream. But Lilith thrived, empowering demonkind with her voice and her songs. And as the numbers of Hell grew, so did its power.
"Threatened by this, Heaven made a truly heartless decision. That every year, they would send down an army, an Extermination, to ensure Hell and its sinners could never rise against them. But Lilith's hope remained. And her dream was passed down to their precious daughter, the Princess of Hell."
Once the Princess of Hell lit the fireworks into the blood red sky, everyone knew what it meant. The Extermination was over. The Exorcist angels have returned to Heaven. It was safe to come out now. Soon, Pentagram City was filled with sinners who began cleaning the remains of those who the angels left behind. Blood and core painted the roads. Where some would see tragedy, others saw opportunity. With much of the sinners lost, this opened new territory to those who wish to rise up the ranks and become Overlords, the tier of the hierarchy that was one above normal sinners.
One demon sat on a bench holding a newspaper in front of his face. While all the blood and spilled organs around him were being cleaned up, he just sat there reading.
"Let's see… Ooh. A whole sandworm nest was found in the Wrath Ring. Must be quite a mess. And it looks like Franklin died. Guess that means more room for Rosie. Good for her."
A passing pig demon was using a power washer to clean the blood from the streets when he stopped and finally noticed the man reading the newspaper. "Hey, dickhead, have you been sitting there all day?"
"Nah." the demon said from the newspaper. "Just for the past thirty minutes."
"What?" The pig demon became confused. "But the Extermination was over fifteen minutes ago. How did you survive?"
The demon on the bench gave a sinister cackle before folding up his newspaper and standing up so the pig demon can have a better look at him and gasp in fright. The demon in question was a slightly-pudgy man with dirty, pale skin, black circles over his eyes, and scraggly, green hair. He wore a black-and-white suit with a black tie.
"Take a wild guess."
The pig demon squealed and fell backwards. "Holy shit! It's you! You're B-B-B…"
"You know, you can say it. Lucifer knows I can't."
"Beetlejuice!"
The dirty demon smiled and shook the pig demon's hand. "That's right. That's my name! And guess what, sonny. You win a prize." Beetlejuice reached into his pocket and held up a rat, which he slapped into the pig demon's hoof. "Here you go, buddy. One hungry rat with a taste for ham."
"What?" the pig demon asked before the rat jumped up to his face and bit into his face. He screamed and ran away while the rat starting tearing bits of his face off.
Beetlejuice laughed at his pain until he noticed someone focusing on him. "Oh. Hey there. I bet you're glad to see me here, aren't ya? Well, it only gets better because from this moment on, I'm taking over the show. Seriously, why else would the fanfic have my name on it? What? You mean you don't want to be here. Well, too bad. Because that's Hell for you! It's an unconditional, effing cesspool of fire and damnation that you are punished to live in if you ever been bad in life. That's how it's been for the rest of us.
"Well, since you're here, I might as well give you the grand tour. Be warned, you're most likely in for a view of cannibalism, public adult shows displayed in the TV stores, other demons who are half-mutilated, and basically every kind of abuse under the pentagram sun."
Beetlejuice readied himself and walked across the city passing by demons who were forced to join him in his musical number.
Beetlejuice:
Hey, folks! How are you doin'
Welcome to an infernal ruin
So let's check out the view in
The whole—you know—stuck in Hell thing
You're dead, and you're a sinner
So much for ending up a winner
And if you go on your phone during dinner
I'll kill you myself. The whole stuck in Hell thing
Death can cause so much dread
"I can't believe this is how it ends
I should have made amends"
I can show you what's ahead
So here's the lesson
No chance for Heaven
And yeah, it's like this 24/7
So just sit back and just read
Take my words and take heed
See for yourself
Demons:
Welcome to a story in Hell
Beetlejuice:
Yooooouuuu're… You're gonna be fiiiiiiiiiiine
On the other siiiiiiiiiiiiide
DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE
IIIIIIIIIIIIII'll… I'll be your guuuuuiiiiiiiiide
To the other siiiiiiiiiiiiide
Demon:
Well, long story short, it's a story in Hell
Beetlejuice:
Welcome to a world of fangs and claws
Here, you're free to break as many laws
And the best part, there's no firing clause
Just go "eff it". The whole stuck in Hell thing
You're gonna be filled with appreciation
Except for the yearly Extermination
Sent to reduce Hell's population
That's just the norm. The whole stuck in Hell thing
You try to earn your way up to the clouds
"I've done good. I've done great
I hope I'm not too late"
But it turns out no sin's aloud
From hording all the cash
To littering your own trash
It doesn't matter if it's the past
Hey, they judge you fast
So take in the landscape
Mostly 'cause there's no escape
That's just everyone's fate
AND BEWARE THE GIANT SNAKES
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
Demons:
Welcome to a story in Hell
Beetlejuice:
Yooooouuuu're… You're gonna be fiiiiiiiiiiine
On the other siiiiiiiiiiiiide
"How are you doing?" Beetlejuice asked a woman who's mourning her exterminated wife and crying her eyes out. "Oh, not good. Good to know."
Beetlejuice:
IIIIIIIIIIIIII'll… I'll be your guuuuuiiiiiiiiide
To the other siiiiiiiiiiiiide
That's how it is. It's a story in…
Demons:
Hell! It's the pits
And everyone is shit
The morals aren't worth a pig spit
And that's the whole effing deal
"If you die while reading this fanfic," Beetlejuice said, "It's still gonna be online."
Demons:
There's no going back now
No miracle somehow
Nothing to do but disavow
And no one cares how you feel
Beetlejuice:
That's the thing with life
NO ONE MAKES IT OUT ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE
MAKE THE BEST OF A BAD HAND
"I hurt people! I've done wrong"
Well, you're right where you belong
WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOMELAND
No more sunshine. No more living
Whoever accused life to be forgiving
FROM THE WOMB TO SIX FEET UNDER
DEATH CAN TAKE YOU TO A HELLISH WONDER
I HAVE CONQUERED EVERY SIN
THAT THERE EFFING EVER HAS BEEN
SO HOW ABOUT WE ALL JUST BEGIN
ON THE WHOOOOOOOOOOLE…
STUCK IN HELL THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING
Beetlejuice and demons:
TIME TO GO "EFF IT"! IT'S A STORY IN HELL
After his song ended, Beetlejuice continued to walk along the sidewalk until he noticed a crowd of demons fixing their eyes on the display TVs. Curious about what's going on, he joined his fellow demons in viewing.
"What's all the hubbub?" Beetlejuice asked.
"It's Lucifer's cheery-as-eff daughter." a demon answered. "She's making an announcement on the news."
"His daughter?" Beetlejuice asked before pushing himself to the front of the crowd. "This I gotta see."
"Hey, you bastard!" a muscular lizard demon shouted. "Don't effing push me like that or…"
Beetlejuice's head turned 180 degrees to face the demon who cussed at him. "Hey. What do you think of this?" His face opened up into a form so frightening, it was indescribable, and it literally made everyone behind him scream. He then changed back into his normal face. "You like it?"
"S-s-sorry." the lizard demon shook in fear.
"Damn right, you're sorry." Beetlejuice said turning his head back around to look at the TV.
Channel 666 News was hosted by Katie Killjoy and Tom Trench, the former of whom was clearly a glory hog who kept abusing her co-host. Sitting next to her was a blonde woman with purely pale skin and a red tuxedo. She had red coloring on her cheeks that made her look too innocent to be in Hell. This girl was Charlie Morningstar, daughter of Lucifer and Lillith and heir to the throne of Hell.
"Welcome back!" Katie said. "So, Charlotte…"
"It's Charlie." the princess corrected with a nervous smile.
"Whatever. Tell us about this new passion project you've been insistently pestering our news station about."
"Well…" Charlie cleared her throat. "As most of you know, I was born here in Hell and growing up, I always tried to see the good in everyone around me. Hell is my home and you are my people. We just went through another Extermination. We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year. No one is even given a chance!
"I can't stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence! So, I've been thinking: Isn't there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell? Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through... redemption? Well, I think yes! So, that's what this project aims to achieve! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm opening the first of its kind! A hotel that rehabilitates sinners!"
Despite the hype she built up, she was responded with silence from the crowd. Meanwhile, Beetlejuice kept his eyes on the screen with intrigue and interest.
"Wait a minute…" he said. "Did she just propose a hotel that can redeem sinners and get them into Heaven."
"Yeah." A cat demon laughed. "How effing hilarious is that?"
Beetlejuice didn't share the demon's laughter and ridicule. Instead, he continued watching with all his focus.
What came next was a musical number that Charlie sang to try and sell her pitch to the demons, who instead laughed at her. She then revealed her first ever guest, a porn actor named Angel Dust, who was then revealed to be fighting in a turf war instead of rehabilitating himself. Katie continued to mock Charlie enraging her into insulting her and starting a fight which tore the studio apart.
Beetlejuice didn't care about all of that though. His mind stuck to the idea of a sinner going to Heaven with this "Happy Hotel" as Charlie called it. He ignored all the other stuff that was going on and gave a devious smile.
"Well, now. This could be exactly what I've been waiting for."
Shortly after, Charlie hit a big breakthrough with her hotel project. After she and her girlfriend, Vaggie, picked Angel up and returned to the hotel, Charlie was beginning to lose hope. That was when she had the most unexpected visitor: a powerful Overlord named Alastor, the Radio Demon.
Alastor explained that he was intrigued by the idea where sinners can try to redeem themselves and figured it would be entertaining to see them fail with every single attempt. That's why he offered himself to be Charlie's business associate in running the hotel. After she accepted the deal, he made a few changes, such as hiring a little demon named Niffty to be the housekeeper and a winged cat named Husk to be the bartender. He even changed the name of the hotel from the Happy Hotel to the Hazbin Hotel.
After the change in staff, the hotel was visited by a surprising guest named Sir Pentious, a mad scientist snake who didn't come to be redeemed, but to pick a fight with Alastor. Needless to say, Alastor made short work of him utterly demolishing his weapons and rendering him nearly destroyed.
He then forgot about him immediately as he turned back to his fellow hotel staff.
"Well, I'm starved. Who wants some Jambalaya?" Alastor asked in his radio-tuned voice before heading back to the hotel. "My mother once showed me a wonderful recipe for Jambalaya. In fact, it nearly killed her! Hahaha! You could say the kick was right out of Hell! Ohoho, I'm on a roll! Yes, sir! This is the start of some real changes down here! The game is set! Now... stay tuned."
After returning to the hotel lobby, Charlie cleared her throat. "Well, that was… a thing. Anyway, Alastor, thanks again for helping with the hotel… even though it was for your own sadistic desires."
"Think nothing of it, dear." Alastor said. "Sure, we've got some renovations that need to be done, but give it a week, and this hotel will be in tiptop shape to attract any sinners who…"
"Excuse me!"
Alastor was interrupted when he heard a raspy, manic voice. He and everyone else turned to see Beetlejuice standing in the hole in the wall that Sir Pentious made.
"Can I come in this way, or do I have to blow a whole in my own wall?"
"Oh, no." Husk said in a low groan. "Not him."
Vaggie's face dropped and she growled. She jumped up to confront Beetlejuice and pointed her spear at him. "You?! What are you doing here?!"
"Relax, will ya? I come in peace." Beetlejuice said. "I…" He paused for a moment when he took a good look at the woman who held a spear to him. "Wait a minute. Aren't you the…" Vaggie shut him up by raising the spear closer to his face until it touched his nose. "Whoa. Hakuna matata, babe."
"Vaggie, take it easy." Charlie said stepping up to lower her girlfriend's spear. She then turned to Beetlejuice feeling almost speechless. "So… Beetlejuice. It's quite a surprise to see you here."
"Don't mind me, your royal highness. I'm just passing by." Beetlejuice said. "So where's the guestbook where I can sign my name?"
"Wait…" Charlie said with widened eyes. "Guestbook? As in… you're wanting to check in?"
"Yep." Beetlejuice said. "I saw the news, heard you mention your hotel, and got turned on by your catfight with the reporter. Is it weird to say that last part? You know what, never mind. The point is, I want to give his hotel thing a shot and be a better soul."
"Really?" Alastor asked suspiciously. "That's the last thing I expected from you."
"Whoa! Alastor?" Beetlejuice gasped followed by a happy laugh. "No way, man! I haven't heard from you in seven years! Where've you been, you son of a bitch?"
"Just took a sabbatical. That's all." Alastor said. "What about you? Why do you wanna give redemption a shot?"
Beetlejuice shrugged his shoulders. "Eh. I got nothing better to do."
Charlie started to grow a hopeful smile. "You… You mean it? An Overlord like you wants to be redeemed?"
"Oh, yeah." Beetlejuice nodded. "Just take me in, and I promise, you won't regret it."
"I seriously doubt that." Vaggie responded.
"Hold up!" Angel Dust exclaimed from the bar. "This guy's an Overlord? For real?"
"Yep." Husk groaned with a sigh. "Beetlejuice is a very old demon with his own fair share of quirks."
"I like him." Niffty laughed. "He's got good taste in bugs just like me."
"Anyway," Husk continued, "What makes this son of a bitch special is the curse that Lucifer put on him."
"A curse?" Angel asked.
"Oh, yeah." Husk said. "From what I've heard, he struck a deal with Lucifer himself, and the head honcho himself gave Beetlejuice his own exclusive way to enter the living world. All that has to be done is for a living human to say his name three times. This buys him some time on Earth where he can do whatever he wants, especially make deals with those who summon him. Rack up enough souls, and he became an official Overlord. Though, Hell only knows why he's still called that these days."
"What do you mean?" Angel asked.
"Word is, Beetlejuice doesn't own any souls anymore." Niffty said.
"What?!"
"It's true." Husk said. "No one knows why, but one day, Beetlejuice suddenly decided to release all the souls he owned. Everyone who was indebted to him was free from his service. He never told anyone why though. Despite having no souls though, Beetlejuice's chaotic powers allow him to hold onto the title of Overlord."
"Wow." Angel said. "Sounds like a real screw loose."
"That's not even the craziest part."
"THAT'S not the craziest part?"
Husk shook his head. "The craziest part is his yearly routine during the Extermination. Whenever those angelic effers fly down from Heaven to slaughter sinners, Beetlejuice draws the attention of a few of them. He then gets them to chase him around Pentagram City in a cartoonish chase scene like you find in an effing Looney Tunes cartoon. No matter what the Exterminators tried, they just couldn't get their spears into him. That earned him the number one spot on their most wanted lists."
"Holy shit!" Angel exclaimed with a uproarious laugh. "Forget a screw loose! This guy's an effing maniac!"
"I know." Husk said before taking in a big gulp of alcohol from a bottle.
"Charlie, a word." Vaggie said pulling her girlfriend away from Beetlejuice. "Babe, listen, I know you want to open this hotel for any sinner, but Beetlejuice is… He's the worst guest we'd ever have."
"I… I don't know about that." Charlie said looking over at Beetlejuice.
"You better listen to your girlfriend, Charlie." Alastor said appearing behind her. "She's right in this instance."
"Alastor, don't you…" Vaggie said before realizing what he said. "Wait a minute. Did you just agree?"
"Of course." Alastor said. "I've known Beetlejuice for a very long time. Redemption should be the last thing on his mind. No doubt he has an ulterior motive. And even if by the slimmest chance that his desires are genuine, it's more likely that he'll quit. He's not exactly one to stick to his goal."
"Maybe you should give him a chance." Beetlejuice said.
"I don't see any reason why…" Vaggie said before she noticed that the monochromatic demon was standing beside her. "JESUS CHRIST!"
"Oh, come on, princess." Beetlejuice begged getting on his knees. "You can trust me. I can already see us being BFFs. Hey, look!" He snapped his fingers, and his black-and-white suit was transformed into a red tuxedo. "We even shop at the same store. Come on, friendo. You want to redeem me. I want you to redeem me. Hey, have you been to Saturn? 'Cause I've been to Saturn! And sandworms, you hate them, right? I hate 'em myself!"
"Okay, okay!" Charlie yelled out. She then took a breath and made sure she got everyone's attention. "Listen, everyone, I know everyone has their doubts about Beetlejuice being a guest here. Believe me, I have doubts too. But this hotel is all about giving chances to everyone, even the vilest souls in Hell. If Beetlejuice truly wishes to be redeemed, then it is my duty as the founder of this hotel to give him the chance that he asks for."
"So I can stay?" Beetlejuice asked with big, hopeful eyes.
"Sure." Charlie said. "Just as long as you don't pull any tricks or anything to eff us over."
Beetlejuice nodded and traced his finger around his chest. "Cross my heart and hope to double-die."
"Well, I certainly don't mind." Angel Dust said giving Beetlejuice a flirtatious look. "Hey, big boy. Mind if I call you BJ?"
"What a forward offer." Beetlejuice said. "Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to pass."
Angel shrugged. "Your loss. I'll just have to satisfy myself with pussycat here."
"Don't even think about it." Husk growled.
"Well, if Charlie's opening her doors for the man, I don't see any way to change her mind." Alastor said.
Vaggie sighed. "Me either."
"Oh, thank you, everyone!" Beetlejuice exclaimed sounding choked up. "I feel so welcome here and…" Suddenly, his head spun around very quickly. It only stopped when he grabbed his head. "Whoa! Don't you hate it when that happens?"
Everyone stared for a moment before Charlie broke the tension.
"Well, clearly, this has been a total roller coaster of a day, so let's turn in. Beetlejuice, when you're ready, I can show you to your room."
"No problemo, Charles!" Beetlejuice laughed. While everyone left the lobby, he was about to follow, but Vaggie grabbed him by the back of his jacket and pulled him over to her.
"All right, listen up, you vomit-smelling zebra man." Vaggie said in a threatening whisper. "We need to talk."
"No kidding." Beetlejuice said. "What happened? Last I saw you, you were…"
"Shhhhh!" Vaggie interrupted covering Beetlejuice's mouth with her hand. "Look, I haven't told Charlie about that. I want to. I know she'd understand. But it's just hard and… UGH! HIJO DE PERRA!" She pulled her hand away which was covered in saliva. "Did you just effing lick my hand?!"
"Look, if you don't want me to tell her anything, that's fine. That's your business." Beetlejuice said. "If anything, you have my respect. I mean, you're banging the princess of Hell. Kudos."
Vaggie sighed. "Okay. So we're in agreement."
"Totally." Beetlejuice said. "I just have one question… Which one of you is the top?"
Vaggie stared blankly at Beetlejuice before turning away. She left to join Charlie without saying another word.
"I'm calling it. Eyepatch girl's on top." Beetlejuice chuckled. "Well, I'm finally here at the hotel. Step's one complete. Hahaha! Now, let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose."