"It was a dark and stormy night. The wi-"
Deadpool, what are you doing?
"I'm starting the story."
You're making the chapter sound like a horror story.
"Isn't that today's theme?"
No. I don't write those kinds of stories.
"Oh, you know what scares me? 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine'. They fucked up my face in that movie, even more than it already is!"
I'm going to start narrating now.
It was a stormy evening in Ponyville. Rain was pouring profusely, and wind was causing the leaves on the trees to shake rapidly. No one was outside. All were taking shelter in their homes. Deadpool himself was in the living room of the Golden Oak Library. He was sitting on the couch, hooves holding his head in boredom.
"I don't understand why rain ruins fun. It's just water, we see it everyday," Complained Deadpool.
(Have you thought about doing something inside?)
"You mean those activities nopony does unless they're trapped inside? Like building stuff out of popsicle sticks?"
(Sure, but there was this book in Twilight's library I wanted to read.)
"Nope. We should be doing something outside."
(Oh, oh! I know, let's stand in a field with a metal pole, and get the shock of our lives!)
"Nah, we did that last time there was a storm."
(We can wear a rubber suit, and see if it makes us lightning resistant.)
"I think I prefer my suit's tightness over that. Speaking of, I'm going to take this off."
Removing his belt, Deadpool somehow took the pants off his jumpsuit, and tossed it aside.
"And now, I'm going to take a nap."
Deadpool proceeded to lie down on the couch and close his eyes. As he was starting to fall asleep, he heard voices, three voices to be exact.
(Besides us?)
Wanting to know who was talking, Deadpool listened intently.
"I hear Sparkle," Said Deadpool.
(No shit! This is her house.)
"Let's see… I also hear Calamity Jane. Who else is there? Oh, it's Little Miss Drama Queen."
(You mean Applejack and Rarity?)
(Rarity may be a drama queen, but oh boy, she has an ass!)
"Shush!"
"Well, you're welcome to stay if need be. Spike is away in Canterlot on royal business, and Deadpool is most likely going to be downstairs," Said Twilight.
"What's Deadpool doing here, Twilight?" Asked Rarity.
"Oh, I guess I haven't mentioned it. He's living here until he gets his own place," Explained Twilight.
"I should probably start searching for a new place soon," Said Deadpool to himself.
(So, we need to find a new shithole to live in?)
Deadpool heard a gasp from Twilight, bringing his attention back to the conversation upstairs.
"You and Applejack should totally sleepover! We'll have a slumber party! I've always wanted one of those," Said Twilight excitedly.
(You know what this means, right, Wade?)
"Yep. There's going to be prank calls, pillow fights, and underwear."
(But the girls don't wear clothes.)
(No. It means you have to respect the girls' privacy and space.)
"Fuck that, let's go have fun!"
Upstairs in Twilight's room, she and Rarity had finished giving each other and Applejack makeovers. Applejack was not in the slightest happy because, like Rarity and Twilight, she had her mane and tail in curlers.
"So, how are you getting along over there, Applejack?" Asked Rarity.
"Just fine, Rarity," Replied Applejack sarcastically.
Hoofsteps could be heard coming up a flight of stairs, then Deadpool appeared in the room.
"Hey girls. Oh, am I interrupting something?" Asked Deadpool.
"No, you're not Dea-"
Twilight stopped talking when she noticed something about Deadpool. She noticed that Deadpool's lower half of his suit was gone. Instead, he was wearing leopard print underwear. To say Twilight was surprised would be an understatement. She wasn't the only one surprised about Deadpool's attire, Rarity and Applejack immediately covered their eyes with their forelegs.
"Deadpool, what in tarnations are you wearing?" Asked Applejack rhetorically.
"Oh, this? This underwear breathes. Really nice to wear when in combat," Said Deadpool.
"Darling, if you're going to wear… that, can you please put something on over it?" Asked Rarity.
"Hmm… nah."
"Deadpool, put some pants on," Ordered Twilight sternly.
"No."
"Deadpool, if you don't put some pants on right now, I will forcefully put them on you."
"Pftt, like you can do that."
In a matter of seconds, Deadpool and Twilight got themselves in a struggle. Twilight was trying to hold Deadpool down while using her magic to put his pants back on him. Deadpool wasn't making it easy by flailing his forelegs around while swearing up a storm. All Applejack and Rarity could do was watch the entire event go down. After finally getting his pants back on him, Twilight threw Deadpool out of her room, and he landed downstairs.
(Haha! You were beaten by a girl!)
(That's sexist.)
"Whatever, let's get out of here and go for a walk," Said Deadpool.
(Did you forget it's storming out? We should stay inside.)
"No! I refuse to stay in this house for another minute!"
A few minutes later, Deadpool was walking down the streets of Ponyville. To keep himself dry from the pouring rain, he wore a yellow raincoat and a rainbow colored umbrella hat. The roar of thunder could be heard as he walked down the water soaked streets.
(This rain, kind of reminds you of something, doesn't it?)
"Like peeing? I knew I should've gone before I left," Said Deadpool.
(I agree, but no.)
(London?)
(No.)
"'It's Raining Men' by The Weather Girls?"
(No! I mean something symbolic.)
"Hmm… I suppose the rain could represent certain points of my life."
(Oh, do tell!)
"I have had a lot of shit thrown at me over the years. From my cancer scarring my body to my time in the Weapon X program. Both of those events have left me with scars both physical and emotional. Trauma that even my healing factor can't fix. On top of that, even though I have done some good in my life, I have caused plenty of harm as well. Plus a lot of superheroes I have met over the years, whom I have deemed friends, hate me because of my methods and or find me annoying. My pain, guilt, and depression added up where I felt like I have a rain cloud over my head."
(Yes, adding to that, despite the fact that you have seen many a rainy day, there's a silver lining. Ever since you have moved to Ponyville, you have made friends who see past your flaws and are helping you become a better hero and pony. As long as you don't lose your way, there will be sunny skies ahead.)
(... Since when have we become philosophical?)
More thunder could be heard, snapping Deadpool and the voices in his head from their thoughts.
(We should probably head back to Twilight's. Otherwise we may get struck by-)
Suddenly, lightning struck down from the heavens, and smote Deadpool where he stood. Afterwards, he was left spasming on the ground. When he thought it was over, another lightning bolt struck him, leaving him charred and with smoke fuming from his head.
(Looks like lightning can strike in the same spot twice.)
"... and just when the last pony thought she was safe, there, standing right behind her, just inches away was- The Headless Horse!"
"Ahhhh!"
Applejack and Rarity screamed to the top of their lungs. Twilight had finished telling the ghost story of "The Headless Horse." Just then, a charred Deadpool walked into the room.
"Deadpool, what happened to you?" Asked Twilight.
"I took my chances and got struck by lightning while I was outside," Deadpool shook the soot off of him, somehow returning him to normal. "Lights are off but a single lantern? Oh! Are you telling ghost stories?!" Asked Deadpool.
"Yeah. Do you want to join us?" Asked Twilight in reply.
"Boy do I!" Deadpool sat behind the lantern with the girls looking at him. "I'm going to tell you girls a story so scary you will wish the artists over at Hasbro had drawn you wearing pants. I'm going to tell you the story of… The Demon Pony."
The girls gulped out of nervousness. Over the next few minutes, Deadpool told them of a pony who was cursed to haunt a mansion in the middle of the Everfree Forest, while also becoming a demon. Three unfortunate ponies found the mansion, and were trapped inside. Two of them faced gruesome ends. One was hanged in a pantry, while the other was caught in the demon pony's grasp, and burned alive by his touch.
"Sunlight Ray thought she was safe in the master bedroom, having the door locked. But then, she saw a porcelain doll. It turned its head to look right at her. Coming right out of the doll was The Demon Pony in all his ferocity. He floated towards Sunlight, and grabbed her by the neck! He lifted her off the ground, and made her look him in his souless eyes... You want to know what happens next?" Asked Deadpool.
"What?" Asked Rarity.
"You really want to know?" Asked Deadpool.
"What?" Whispered Applejack.
"The Demon Pony phased his hoof into Sunlight's throat, then… he… PULLED out her windpipe!"
"Ahhhhhhhhh!"
"Ha Ha Ha! Ha Ha Ha!"
The girls screamed in fear while Deadpool was laughing his ass off.
"How is that story funny to you?!" Asked Twilight.
"The story's not making me laugh. It's the looks on your faces!" Answered Deadpool.
"Now I probably won't sleep tonight," Whinned Rarity.
"Hey, just be happy Fluttershy isn't here. This room would probably be flooded with her tears after hearing all of that. And making Fluttershy cry is the ultimate sin."
"Changing the subject, how about we play a game? Wait, where's Deadpool?" Asked Twilight.
Unbeknownst to Twilight, Deadpool snuck up behind her, then whispered in her ear.
"Demon."
"Ahhhh!"
CRACK!
Twilight screamed and punched Deadpool in the nose, a little blood trickling out.
"I deserved that," Said Deadpool.
"Yeah, you did. Now, let's play a game of Truth or Dare," Said Twilight.
"I dare Applejack to do something carefully and neatly for a change," Said Rarity.
"Oh yeah? Well I dare Rarity to lighten up and stop obsessin' over every last little detail, for a change," Said Applejack.
"I can tell there's some conflict between you two that's been going on throughout the story, but I'm not going to stop you because it will result in a critical plot point," Said Deadpool.
"I will go. Let's start with something simple: Deadpool, I dare you to do a hoof stand for five minutes.," Said Twilight.
"You couldn't have chosen an easier dare, Twilight! Challenge accepted!"
Deadpool raised his back half off the ground, and stood on his forelegs. As the seconds went by, Deadpool didn't seem fazed in the slightest. Eventually, time was up, and Deadpool was still in a hoof stand.
"Wow! Good job!" Congratulated Twilight.
Deadpool didn't respond, he kept doing a hoof stand.
"Deadpool?"
THUD!
Deadpool fell forward, getting back up in a flash.
"I'm okay! Now it's my turn! I've got a truth for… you, Twilight," Said Deadpool.
"Go ahead. I have nothing to hide." Said Twilight.
"We'll see about that. Just like your dare, this question I have for you will be simple. Do you like me?"
"Well, you are a hoofull, but I like you."
"That's not what I meant. What I meant was, do you like me romantically?"
"What?"
"I'm asking because this is the perfect moment."
Looking at her, Twilight's face blushed a light red.
(Oh! Let's see where this goes!)
(Yes, let's see where the embarrassment and peer pressure goes!)
"It's something I've been wondering about for a little while now. You let me stay at your house for like a month now, and you had me open up about my past, even though we had known each other for less than a week at the time, and three days ago I saw, from the corner of my eye, you looking at my ass," Said Deadpool.
For added effect, he stretched the fabric of his suit and let it snap. At this point, Twilight's blush turned as red as Deadpool suit.
"So, are you into me?" Twilight didn't say anything, too embarrassed to speak. "You know not answering right away proves you are into me."
Twilight's face was now a dark red, and her breathing grew rapid.
"Excuse me!" Said Twilight frantically.
She ran out of the room, going who-knows-where.
(Ooh! I think she likes you! Are you going to ask her out?)
"No. I think she was just caught up in the moment. I doubt she's into me. She's organized and thorough, I'm chaotic and spontaneous," Said Deadpool to himself.
As quick as she left, Twilight came back with no blush on her face.
"Let's see what our next fun-fun-fun thing is, shall we? Hm, what does this mean? Pillow fight?" Wondered Twilight.
"Oh, please. I am not at all interested in participating in something so crude," Said Rarity.
BAM!
Just then, Applejack threw a pillow right into Rarity's face.
"Oh! It! Is! On!" Said Rarity furiously.
Rarity and Applejack chucked pillows at each other like they're in a war.
"Oh, I get it! Pillow, fight! Fun!" Said Twilight enthusiastically.
"Callabanga!"
BAM!
Deadpool ran up to Twilight and smacked her in the face with a pillow.
"Oh yeah?"
Twilight smacked him back with a pillow. They both smacked each other for a little bit with the pillows. Meanwhile, Applejack and Rarity were launching pillows towards each other; pillows flew everywhere. Three pillows from Applejack strayed off course, and hit Twilight instead. Her eyes were spinning from the impact.
"Uh, girls? Maybe we should take it down a notch?" Advised Twilight.
"Let's do this pop culture style!" Shouted Deadpool.
He took his pants off , grabbed a pillow, and smacked Twilight from atop her head. Once her vision came back to normal, she saw pants-less Deadpool. She grabbed his pants, and chased him around the room.
"Not this again!" Shouted Deadpool.
Once she got Deadpool's pants back on, Twilight told everyone…
"Maybe we should just call it a night and get some sleep?"
Everyone went to bed for the night. Deadpool was in the living room like always while Applejack and Rarity were sharing a bed in Twilight's room. Both of them were not happy about sharing a bed.
"Keep your muddy hooves on your side of the bed," Demanded Rarity.
"My hooves ain't muddy," Said Applejack.
"They were. There might still be a little on them."
"There ain't. See?"
Applejack placed a hoof in front of Rarity's face to prove her point, much to the latter's disgust.
"Eww!"
Feeling a little chilly, Rarity stole the blanket from Applejack.
"Now who's bein' inconsiderate?" Asked Applejack rhetorically.
Applejack stole the blanket back. Out of frustration, Rarity got out of bed.
"I have to make the bed again so the blanket will be right. Get up," Ordered Rarity.
"Hey!"
Rarity head butted Applejack off the bed, and prepared to make the bed. Using her magic, she tucked the blanket and sheet in. Applejack was going to pull the blanket back to get in bed when she was stopped by Rarity.
"Ah ah ah! You'll ruin it. You have to do it like this."
Rarity entered from the top of the blanket and slid in, so the blanket wasn't untucked.
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Geronimo!"
"Hey!"
Applejack jumped and landed on the bed. Rarity was launched from the bed, and the blanket landed on Applejack.
"You did that on purpose," Said Rarity irritatedly.
"Um, yeah?" Said Applejack.
"Get up so I can fix it again."
"Can't hear ya, I'm asleep."
Despite having just spoken, Applejack pretended to be asleep, hoping Rarity would fall for it. Rarity wasn't deceived, however, and pulled the blanket off of Applejack in an attempt to get her out of bed.
"I ain't budgin'," Said Applejack stubbornly.
"You will if you want any blankets," Said Rarity.
Applejack took the blanket back from Rarity. Rarity grabbed it, and both ponies ended up in a tug-of-war over it.
"Give it back!" Demanded Applejack.
"I will not!" Said Rarity.
"Yes, you will!"
"Won't!"
"Will!"
"Won't!"
"Will!"
"Won't!"
"Will!"
"Enough!"
Waking up due to her friends bickering, Twilight got ticked off and stopped it. She then showed a book to her friends.
"It says right here that the number one thing you're supposed to do at a slumber party is have fun, and thanks to you two I can't check that off!" Said Twilight furiously.
"I've been tryin' my darndest to get along," Said Applejack.
"No, it is I who have been trying 'my' best," Said Rarity.
"No, it was me."
"No, it was I."
"Me!"
"I!"
"I hope you're happy, both of you. You've ruined my very first slumber party. The makeover, Truth or Dare, well, Deadpool kind of had a hoof in that too. You also ruined the pillow fight… I mean, is there anything else that can possibly go wrong? Asked Twilight.
ZAP!
Just like that, lightning struck the top of a tree neighboring the house. Twilight hid herself under her blanket out of fear.
"Sorry I asked."
The girls looked out a window, and noticed the top of the tree was leaning towards a nearby house.
"You see? That's why we needed to take down all those loose branches in town, not spiffy 'em up." Scolded Applejack.
Rarity looked at Applejack with big eyes.
"But I-"
"Outta my way missy! Times a wastin'." Interrupted Applejack.
Applejack opened the window and started swinging her lasso.
"Wait! Stop! Don't!" Shouted Rarity.
"No Waitin'! No Stoppin'! Doin'!" Said Applejack. Applejack pulled the loop of her lasso and got the treetop. She then pulled it back upright. "And that, my friends, is what we call gettin' 'er done."
Applejack pulled the lasso too hard, and the top of the tree fell towards the library.
"Ahh!"
The tree crashed through the window and into the bedroom. Applejack was dangling over the main library room. The wind was blowing into the house. Rarity was using a book to protect her head.
"I tried to tell you it would come crashing down in here," Said Rarity sternly.
"Well, ya shoulda tried harder," Said Applejack.
Applejack had climbed the tree back up into the room. Having heard the commotion from downstairs, Deadpool ran into the room, and noticed the tree.
"Woah! Twilight, your room has some wood… Ha ha ha! (Gasp) Ha ha ha!"
Deadpool kept laughing hysterically while Applejack was trying to move the tree. Rarity meanwhile, was just cleaning the little messes around the big one. Picking up books and trinkets, and putting them back on shelves.
"Rarity, for pony's sake, stop sweatin' the small stuff and help me get rid of this thing!" Ordered Applejack.
Rarity was ignoring Applejack while putting books back on a shelf.
"I said hustle over here and help me!" Demanded Applejack.
Rarity continued to ignore her. Applejack sighed in defeat before speaking to her.
"Look, I'm sorry, all right?"
Applejack's apology caught Rarity off guard.
"What was that?" Asked Rarity.
"I said I'm sorry! I shoulda listened to you when you noticed where this here branch would end up. Yer annoyin' attention to detail would'a saved us from this whole mess. But right now, you need to stop bein' so dang fussy pickin' up all the little things and help me move the one big thing in here that actually matters! Please!" Begged Applejack.
Rarity looked at where the tree was resting. Leaves were scattered across the floor, puddles of water pooled close to the bark, and some mud had even gotten into the room.
"Uh. Uh, but I'll get all icky," Whined Rarity.
"Consarnit! What the… eh…. you… I mean, yes, ickiness is often a side effect of hard work. But y'all need to get over it, on account I just can't fix this mess I made myself. I need your help," Said Applejack.
"... Oh. Let's do this," Said Rarity determinedly.
While Twilight was talking about outdoor slumber parties, Rarity cast a spell to turn almost all of the tree into mini hedge sculptures. There was still a big piece of the tree in the room, though. Before Applejack could try to lift it, the branch shifted. Deadpool finally decided to be helpful, grabbing onto one end and lift the log. He then tossed it out the window, and closed it, stopping the wind from blowing in. With the chaos over, Rarity noticed mud and leaves all over her.
"U-Ugh. Oh, I look awful," Said Rarity.
Scratching her chin, Applejack had an idea. She put cucumber slices over Rarity's eyes, referring to the mud masks they wore during the makeovers.
"Better?" Asked Applejack.
"Hmnph, thanks," Said Rarity.
"Oh, pretty! Where did these come from? They're not in the book either," Said Twilight about the mini hedge sculptures.
Deadpool facehoofed his forehead when he heard what Twilight said. A little while later, the girls were playing a game of twenty questions, in which the answer was Twilight's telescope. They were all downstairs in the library. Rarity and Twilight had curlers in their manes and tails. Deadpool was sitting next to Twilight, sleeping soundly.
"Sorry for being such a pain in the patootie," Said Applejack to Rarity.
"Oh, no, I was much worse," Said Rarity.
"That's kind of ya to say, but I'm the one who's sorry."
"Oh, I'm much more sorry than you are."
"Ugh. Are not."
"Are too."
"Are not."
"Are too."
"Are not."
"Are too."
The two mares laughed at their argument.
"I declare my first slumber party a success!" Said Twilight.
Applejack and Rarity cheered, which woke Deadpool up.
"Cherrychangas!" Said Deadpool the instant he woke up.
"Have fun, check," Said Twilight.
"(Yawn) Well, I don't know about y'all, but I'm going to put the slumber in slumber party," Said Deadpool tiredly.
Deadpool was going to go downstairs when he heard Twilight.
"Deadpool, you want to sleep upstairs with us?"
(Ooh, please say yes!)
"Sure. Let me grab something first," Said Deadpool.
He quickly went downstairs. The girls went upstairs, and were about to get into their beds when they saw Deadpool pushing the couch upstairs. After some struggle with the stairs, Deadpool got the couch into the bedroom.
"Why did you bring the couch upstairs?" Asked Rarity.
"... It's comfy," Answered Deadpool.
Despite the fact it was now morning, everyone went to bed to make up for some lost sleep. Everyone was asleep except for Twilight. She was thinking to herself about something, something personal. She looked over to her right and saw Deadpool sleeping on the couch he dragged from downstairs. She smiled before finally closing her eyes, and falling asleep.
Hope you all enjoyed the newest chapter of "Deadpool: Mercenary of Harmony". This chapter took place in the season one episode "Look Before You Sleep". The next chapter will take place in one of Deadpool's own misadventures, and Twilight will be dragged in it. Until next time, this has been ThePhantomArchives, and I hope you all have a wonderful day!