"So, we are actually doing this?" Asked Deadpool.
Yes, Wade, we are.
"But dude, it's October. Halloween hasn't happened yet!"
I know, but we have to release this chapter that I wrote last year in order to progress in the story.
"It does not change the fact this chapter is out of context!"
Would you like to wait two months to post this chapter?
"... No."
Good. Trust me, you'll like what I have planned for you.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."
Onto the story!
Ah, Ponyville. The white winter snow has covered the town like a sheet. Groups of children, dressed warmly for the weather, are playing in the snow. They were either having snowball fights or building snowponies. At the Golden Oak Library, the leaves of the tree were blanketed in snow, and a wreath hung on the front door. Inside, Hearth's Warming lights dangled above the shelves and entrances to various rooms, and countless other decorations brightened up the abode. Downstairs, in the living room, Deadpool was sleeping on the couch. He was sitting with his head dangling behind the couch and a cup of eggnog in hoof. Twilight walked in and tried to wake him.
"Wade," Said Twilight.
Zzz...
"Wade!"
"(Snort) ...Eggnog!"
Learning from the past, Twilight yelled to wake Deadpool up. He awoke with a jolt, spilling eggnog all over his lap.
"Aw, shit! Now I look like I ejacu-"
"Wade?"
"Oh, hi, Twilight."
"Hi, I was going to ask if you drank all of the eggnog, but it seems like I don't need to."
"Yeah... Sorry, Twi."
"It's fine. I'll get some more later. After all, we're going to serve eggnog at the Hearth's Warming party I'm throwing tomorrow."
"I could go get some if you'd like me to?"
"Thanks, but I don't mind going myself. I'm going to go take care of some things for the party before I go."
"Okay."
As soon as Twilight left the room, the voices in Deadpool's head started chatting.
(Remind me why Twilight's throwing a Hearth's Warming party?)
(Because she wanted to host her first Hearth's Warming party with her friends.)
(A party is cool and all, but a Hearth's Warming at home alone is just as fun. Especially since that means we can play with all of the cool shit people give us!)
(Speaking of cool shit, you finished your Hearth's Warming shopping, right?)
"I sure did. I picked up Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Spike's gifts yesterday. I just hope my gift wrapping skills are sufficient enough that they won't see what I got for them," Said Deadpool.
(What about Twilight?)
"Uh…"
(Did you seriously remember to get everyone but Twilight a gift?)
"What?! No! I totally got something for her! It should be with the rest of the gifts under the tree!"
Deadpool frantically galloped upstairs to the main library, where the Hearth's Warming tree stood. The tree was a balsam fir decorated with tinsel, lights, and ornaments. On top of the tree was a mystical and heart-shaped pink fire, the Fire of Friendship. Deadpool frantically looked through all of the gifts, looking for one he got for Twilight. To his dismay, there was no gift for her from him under the tree.
"Ah man! I can't believe I forgot to get Twilight a present!" Said Deadpool.
(Yeah, considering the fact she gave you friendship and a place to stay in the very first chapter of this fanfiction. On top of not throwing yo ass in jail for past murders.)
"Obviously the reason I forgot is for conflict in the chapter."
(I know it's magical, but don't you guys find it unusual that the Fire of Friendship hasn't set the tree ablaze?)
"Yeah. Usually a holiday tree has fire on it in an America's Funniest Home Video."
(We're getting off topic here! Hearth's Warming is tomorrow, and you need to get Twilight a gift before then.)
"Luckily, I keep a list of gift ideas for all my friends." Deadpool took out a long sheet of paper that had lots of names and gift ideas next to each one. "Let's see… Pinkie… Fluttershy… Rarity… Why the hell is Wolverine on this list? ...Here we go! Gift ideas for Twilight include…"
Looking next to Twilight's name, the space meant for gift ideas was empty.
"You fuckin' kidding me?! (Sighs) No matter, I know exactly what to get Twilight!"
(Are you seriously just going to get her a gift card?)
"You know me too well!"
(Uh, yeah. I'm an extended conscious of your fucked up mind. I know EVERYTHING about you.)
(Including your Google Search history!)
"You two better not say a god-damn word about my search history! We're digressing again. Hmm… perhaps I can sneakily find out something she wants and go get that. But how would I go about doing that?"
"Go about doing what, Wade?"
Deadpool had failed to notice his roommate in the same room as him, causing him to blurt out-
"Twilight!"
In panic, Deadpool hid the list he held behind his back. He then realized this was his opportunity to find out what Twilight would like for Hearth's Warming.
"This is my chance. I have to discreetly ask her what she wants, so she doesn't realize what I'm planning." Thought Deadpool to himself.
Thinking quickly, Deadpool came up with a way to ask Twilight what she wants for Hearth's Warming without her realizing it.
"I was wondering, Twilight, if you could have anything this holiday season for a gift, what would it be?" Asked Deadpool.
(Are you fuckin' kidding me?!)
Twilight stood in one spot for a few seconds, putting a hoof to her chin to think.
"Hmm… good question," Said Twilight.
(She may be smart, but thank Celestia Twilight can be denser than osmium sometimes.)
"Oh, there is one thing. Do you know of the story about Hearth's Warming's beginnings?" Asked Twilight.
"How could I not? That story is read to practically every child on Hearth's Warming Eve," Answered Deadpool.
"My family and I had a book of that story that was passed down through my family for many generations. Unfortunately, the book was really old, so it deteriorated by the time I was fifteen. I would just love to have that book again."
(Of course she wants a book.)
"Hey, a bookworm will always be a bookworm," Thought Deadpool to his inner voice. "Is this book by a particular author?"
"The version of the story I owned was written by Carol Winters. It's titled 'A Hearth's Warming Tale.' Wait, why do you have an interest in this book?"
(Shit! She's catching on! Say something to steer her away from the question!)
"Eggnog!" Blurted Deadpool.
"What?"
"The eggnog! Didn't you say you were going to get more eggnog?"
"Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me. I'll go get some right now. See ya, Wade!"
As soon as Twilight walked out and shut the door, Wade took in a deep breath in relief.
"Phew! That was too close. Now that I know what to look for, we can go out shopping," Said Deadpool.
(Aren't all the stores and stands in Ponyville closed?)
"Yeah, you're right. I know, let's go shopping in Manehattan."
([Gasp] We're going home?!)
"Why not? Surely there will be some stores open on Hearth's Warming Eve in Manehattan, considering the fact that there are eight million ponies living there that are doing last minute Hearth's Warming shopping. Let's go get dressed for the weather before we head out."
Deadpool ran downstairs to the living room, and began searching in between the couch first item he pulled out was a single bit.
"No."
Next he pulled out a rubber ducky.
"Rubber ducky!"
He squeezed the rubber ducky, making squeaky noises come out of it while he laughed like Ernie from Sesame Street. Afterwards, he set it down and continued looking through the couch. He found a magazine before chucking it across the room.
"Ah, definitely not what I was looking for! … Ah ha!"
Eventually, Deadpool found what he was looking for. He pulled out a red and black checkered scarf. He wrapped it around and tied it behind his neck. He then grabbed a Santa hat that laid on the coffee table, putting it on his head.
"Now that I'm dressed, let's go!" Said Deadpool.
(As much as I like the thought of going home, I don't like having to sit on a train for three hours.)
"Don't worry, we will just use the power of scene transition. Starting now…"
After a three hour ride (except in Deadpool's case), a train stopped at a station in Manehattan. Deadpool got out of the passenger car, and took in the sites of his old home. The skyscrapers that made up the city stretched to the sky, chariots for carrying passengers and items alike filled the streets, and, just like with the streets, the sidewalks were jammed with hoof traffic. Deadpool took a deep breath, and exhaled.
"Ah! The fresh, polluted air of Manehattan! Feels great to be home! And I see our first stop to find that book Twilight wants."
Deadpool crossed the street and headed towards a little shop called the "Golden Page Bookstore". As soon as he reached for the door, he heard a little click sound and the door didn't open. He tried pulling on the door again, but it wouldn't budge. He inspected the door and found a sign attached to the other side of the door that read "Closed for the Holidays."
"Damn it. This was the closest store to the train station that sold books. No problem, I have another store in mind. I'll just find a cab and we'll be on our way."
Looking on each side of the street, Deadpool saw the telltale yellow chariot of a taxi pony coming from his left. He waved to get the cabbie's attention, but the chariot went by and made the corner, disappearing from sight.
"He must have already got customers." Fortunately for Deadpool, another cab was coming from where the previous cab went. "Hey! Taxi!"
Despite his shouting, another taxi eluded from Deadpool's grasp.
"I'm starting to remember one of the reasons why I left Manehattan. Ponyville is so much friendlier than this place."
Another taxi cab was coming by. Deadpool had to act quickly if he wanted to get to his destination. He noticed a lone soda can, tossed carelessly onto the street. As soon as the cabbie slowed down to make a turn, he threw the soda can right at the side of his head. The impact of the can caused the unfortunate cabbie to fall onto his side.
(Oh, god! Did we just kill him?!)
(We better not have. I doubt Twilight, Celestia, and our friends will be easy on us for killing a cabbie. And on Hearth's Warming Eve no less.)
Deadpool rushed to the barely conscious cabbie, and grabbed him by the shoulders.
"What color is my suit?" Asked Deadpool.
"... Red and black," Answered the cabbie, pain evident in his voice.
"Good. You don't seem to have any noticeable brain trauma. Now, take me to East-Thirty First." Deadpool stepped into the taxi, putting his back hooves up. "Oh, and I'm giving the taxi company you work for a poor review on Yelp. Two of your colleagues passed by me without so much as a 'How do you do?' Too bad Uber doesn't exist here yet."
"What's Uber?"
"Forget about it! Start moving, pal!"
Wishing to not anger Deadpool any further, the cabbie galloped, taxi chariot in tow, to East-Thirty First. Thankfully, after a twenty minute journey, both stallions arrived at their destination. Deadpool got out of the cart and was about to go inside of a shop when the cabbie got his attention.
"You forgot to pay," Said the cabbie.
"Money's on the seat," Said Deadpool irritatedly.
Sure enough, the money was on the seat. There was also a picture of Deadpool drawn in crayon with the caption "Happy Hearth's Warming." Upon entering the shop, Deadpool went to a book section. He searched all of the shelves, but there was no sign of the book he was looking for.
"Not here either. I'm running out of time before I have to head back to Ponyville," Said Deadpool frustratingly.
"Put it in the bag, now."
Deadpool looked towards the counter where an earth pony stallion with a pistol stood. On the other side of the counter, a cashier was frantically shoving bits from the cash register into a burlap sack.
"C'mon, brah! It's Hearth's Warming Eve! Couldn't you wait until December 26th to rob a store?"
Deciding to take action, Deadpool sneaked up on the guy from behind, and pulled out one of his pistols.
WHACK!
Using the barrel of his gun, Deadpool hit the guy from the back of his head, knocking him out. The cashier looked at Deadpool with awe; her eyes filled with adoration.
"No need to thank me. Consider that a special holiday gift. Now, back to the task at hoof, where am I going to find a copy of 'A Hearth's Warming Tale' in under forty-five minutes?" Asked Deadpool to himself.
"Did you say 'A Hearth's Warming Tale?'" Asked the mare.
"Yeah. Why?"
"There's a copy on display at the 'Antiquity Pages' store on the corner of 1st Road."
"Convenient!" Deadpool looked at a clock on the wall behind the counter. The time was 5:15pm. "We have to hurry. The last train to Ponyville will arrive at six o'clock."
(Guess we'll have to look for another cab.)
"Fuck that! We're taking the subway."
In a hurry, Deadpool ran out of the shop to the nearest subway terminal, and hopped on a train. For the entire duration of the ride, passengers were staring at him. If you're dressed the way Deadpool is, you're bound to have people staring at you. After a fifteen minute ride, the train arrived at the station on 1st Road. Deadpool was getting up from his seat when he heard a mare cry out in distress.
"Somepony, stop him!"
A male pegasus was flying towards the train exit, purse in hoof. As soon as the thief got close enough, Deadpool stuck out his arm, clotheslining the thief. He fell to the floor from the sudden attack, allowing Deadpool to pick up the purse and hand it to a mare who had followed the thief.
"Here's your purse. Happy Holidays!"
As soon as everyone left the train, Deadpool began to walk out of the train when the doors closed on the back of his scarf. To his dismay, the train began to move.
"Wait! Someone help!" Cried Deadpool.
Going as fast as a speeding bullet, the train set course through a tunnel.
One hour later…
After going around an entire loop, the train arrived back at the station. Deadpool was still stuck to the side of the train, looking like he went through hell and back. The doors finally opened, causing him to fall onto the ground. To add onto his pain, he was trampled by other ponies.
"Oh, God! That was one of the worst things I've ever experienced in this city! We were going so fast." Deadpool muttered some words, which were unintelligible. "I swear we entered the Speed Force! The worst part was at every station until now, I couldn't get free because of a farce."
(At least everypony on the train looking out the window had something to look at.)
"You suck!"
After stumbling out of the subway and through the streets, Deadpool arrived at Antiquity Pages. He didn't have to search for long, sitting on a display table was a copy of "A Hearth's Warming Tale." The book had a leather cover, was about six inches by four inches, and was engraved in gold cursive.
"Ah! Thank Celestia! Next year, I'm getting a gift card."
When Deadpool grabbed the book, another hoof grabbed it at the same time. Looking straight ahead, he saw the hoof was connected to a blue unicorn mare with a purple mane and tail.
"Excuse me Miss, but my hoof was on here first," Informed Deadpool politely.
"I'm sorry, but my hoof was on it first," Said the mare.
"I'm getting this as a gift for a friend. Please let go."
"It's the last book I need for my collection of Carol Winter's short stories, so I need to ask you to let go."
"Look, I got stuck to the side of a TRAIN for this book. I will pay you for it."
"Sorry you have been through that, but I have been searching for a long time to get a copy of this quality. Perhaps I can pay you instead?"
"..."
BANG! BANG!
Losing his patience, Deadpool shot at the ceiling twice, causing the mare to run off in terror. He then made his way to a counter, where a cashier was hiding behind in fear.
"I would like to buy this book. Make it quick."
After purchasing the book, Deadpool walked out of the store satisfied.
"Yes! This nightmare of a shopping trip is over! Now, how am I going to get home since I missed the train to Ponyville?" Pondered Deadpool.
The next day, Hearth's Warming officially arrived. Twilight, Spike and the rest of the Mane Six were in the main library celebrating. The group was conversing amongst each other when Rarity asked an important question.
"Twilight, where's Deadpool?" Asked Rarity.
"I don't know. He's been gone since yesterday. I hope he is alright," Answered Twilight.
THUD!
Hearing a thud come from the opposite end of the room, the girls quickly noticed Deadpool. He was covered in ashes and soot, and laid in front of a fireplace before getting up.
"Merry Fuckin' Hearth's Warming!"
Everyone was taken aback by Deadpool's use of language and appearance.
"I'm (coughs) going to put this under the tree, and while you all open presents, I am going to drown my pain and misery in eggnog."
"Where did the fireplace come from?" Asked Twilight to herself.
After dropping off Twilight's gift and shaking the soot off of his suit, Deadpool walked over to a refreshment table and poured a big glass of eggnog. He lifted his mask up slightly, and began to chug the holiday drink down. Over with his friends, Twilight was the first to grab a present from the tree with her telekinesis. It was the gift Deadpool got for her. Despite his gift-wrapping skills, Deadpool did a good job with wrapping her gift. With a surprised look on her face, Twilight made her way to Deadpool.
"You got me a present?" Asked Twilight.
"Of course. You gave me a home and friendship despite the fact I was a complete stranger. This is a little something to show you my gratitude for your kindness," Answered Deadpool.
Using her magic to unwrap the paper, Twilight lit up upon seeing her book.
"You trickster! You got me a copy of 'A Hearth's Warming Tale'?!" Asked Twilight.
"Yeah, you said you loved reading that story every Hearth's Warming Eve, so I went to Manehattan yesterday to get it. I hope you like it," Said Deadpool.
To his surprise, Twilight hugged him. He returned the hug graciously.
"Thanks, Wade!" Said Twilight happily.
"(Chuckles) No problem, Twi," Said Deadpool.
"Oh, wait right here! I got something for you as well."
Twilight trotted upstairs, and used her magic to grab a long, wrapped present from her room. She then met back up with Deadpool.
"You actually got me something?" Asked Deadpool in disbelief.
"Of course! You are my friend after all," Answered Twilight.
Deadpool unwrapped his gift and opened the box containing his gift - two pistols.
"Pistols? I thought you weren't the lethal type, Twilight?" Questioned Deadpool.
"I understand the confusion, just hear me out. I was thinking about how now you are going towards a more heroic path, you should change your arsenal. Since you are already used to using weapons like pistols, though, I decided to give you a better alternative. With the help of Princess Celestia's magic and some of the best weapon makers in Equestria, I had these pistols made. Instead of bullets, they fire magical energy that can only knockout opponents at best. Although, if need be, you can set it so they act like normal bullets. Just promise me you will only ever use that when given no other option."
"... I don't know what to say. Thank you, Twilight! I vow to only use the best, or I guess worst, of these badass weapons of holiness if the situation demands it!"
Deadpool gave Twilight a hug, to which she reciprocated. Deadpool put his old pistols in his magic satchel, and holstered his new ones.
"Hey, Deadpool, look up," Said Twilight.
"Huh?"
Deadpool looked up as instructed, and saw hanging under the door frame was some mistletoe.
"Ha ha! Wow! That is conveniently located where we are standing for a critical plot-"
MUAH!
(GASP!)
Twilight kissed Deadpool right on the cheek, causing him to blush.
"Merry Hearth's Warming, Wade."
Twilight walked off to join with the rest of her friends, carrying a smile on her face.
"Hell fuckin' yeah…!" Whispered Deadpool to himself.
(Are you going to ask her out?)
"Yup! Just have to wait for the right time. Let's go join everyone in the festivities."
As he started to walk off, Deadpool turned towards you, the reader.
"It may be October, but Merry Hearth's Warming! Or I guess in your case, Merry Christmas! Hope you're ready, because in the next chapter, we will be focusing on the third season of the My Little Pony Friendship is Magic series."
The End.
Hope you all enjoyed this very early holiday chapter. As Deadpool just said, the next chapter will take place in season three of the show "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic." Until next time, this has been ThePhantomArchives, and I hope you all have a great day!