Loser like Me
Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
Shane sat where he always sat, staring out of the floor to ceiling leaded window watching the world go by, trying to catch his inspiration. He was all out of portraits for his art projects, recently his agent had told him he needed something a bit more challenging, but he was finding that hard with everything constantly moving.
He didn't know when he'd become obsessed with his art, but one day he woke up knowing for sure he wanted to paint. After two years of nothing his parents were just happy, he wanted to do something, and backed him all the way, offering college fees, a place to stay, food, and clothes. His parents were both prominent in the political world, and he lived off the back of them, his arrogance tended to be a put off for women that might have really been interested in him.
It was nearly twelve thirty in the afternoon, and for the third week in a row he was alone, unable to get some woman he'd become fixated on out of his mind. Today he was hoping she'd visit the delicatessen across the road again, he'd only get a minute at the most to take in everything he could to keep him working through the night. He'd caught sight of her as she walked in the snow into the eatery, her hat had fell off and she went to great lengths to retrieve it. Although she was distressed, she had this smile that filled her entire face, his instinct was to run across the street to help her, but someone else beat him to it. As she spoke to the person offering her hat back, she looked up at his apartment and he convinced himself she'd seen him because she smiled, and that smile stuck in his head. Over the past few weeks, he'd slowly filled in his winter piece with a mixture of what he remembered of her and his imagination. Today he hoped to get her eyes, they were important, windows to the soul.
He grabbed his binoculars and started looking for her, the crowd wasn't thick, but it was fast, he was hoping she'd look around before she went into the eatery, his camera ready to take a thousand pictures in the hope of catching that special one. Seconds later she was in view, gliding around the corner, her unbuttoned fake fur coat flapping in the wind as her arm swung in unison with her stride, her head bowed as she braced the corner. She grabbed hold of the collar to shield herself from the wind, he started clicking the button on the camera hoping to get the right pictures. It seemed like an hour, but he knew his window of opportunity was only seconds, and then she was gone, she was inside the eatery ordering whatever it was she came out with in that brown paper bag.
Finally, he could start his day, he had photos to develop, colours to blend and a piece to finish off, and with only four days left before his deadline, he was more than praying he'd got what he wanted. Five hours later and he was stamping around his apartment, angry that the whole day had been wasted, he hadn't got as close as he'd hoped, he was back at square one, with a looming deadline.
He was up early the next morning he had to replenish his stock, pay the bills, and get things ready, he couldn't fail today, time was running out "Morning?" someone sat in one of the store doorways strumming a guitar with a tin in front of him, smiled up at him, Shane stopped to listen, impressed with his skills, he dropped a dollar in the can and took another step "Thank you" the guy smiled at him.
"Thank you" Shane smiled at the man, he hadn't seen him in the area before, he knew the locals, in fact he made it his duty to know every rough sleeper in the area. His parents funded a small local motel that provided washing facilities, a bed if the rough sleeper wanted it, and breakfast nearby, he visited often, and subbed hot drinks throughout the day at the diner further down the street for those people.
"You're new around here?" he stopped to ask the obvious question, the guy didn't seem homeless, maybe travelling.
"Yeah" the stranger looked up at him, revealing his eyes underneath the brown Stetson, his green eyes tired but he managed to give half a smile.
"What brings you here stranger?"
"I go as far as my ticket takes me; today it took me here" he looked around "I'm hoping to move on later today".
"Where are you heading?"
"New York, I think".
"You think?"
"Long story" he shook his head smiling.
"So, where are you from?"
"Tennessee".
Shane's mind was working overtime, this guy was a stranger, who was passing through, the guy needed money, he had money and he needed to get better pictures of his subject, it seemed like the best laid plan "How'd you like to earn yourself that ticket to New York?"
"Do I have to do something shady?"
"I wouldn't call it shady, but it's something unusual" he smiled.
"What is it?"
"Say you'll do it first".
"I'm not going to kill anyone, am I?"
"No" Shane laughed "I need you to attract the attention of a woman".
"Do you see me?" the man asked "I haven't had a shave in days, my clothes are..."
"For what I'm paying you will be able to sort all that; I just need you to get her attention for ten seconds, make sure she's looking at that building over there, and you get your ticket, shave, iron, and I'll even throw in a bath".
"Why me?"
"Because she has never seen you before, and she never will again".
"And that's the only reason?"
"The only reason" Shane assured him.
"So, this is someone you like?"
"I'm an artist, I'm trying to paint a scene, she just happens to be in it, but I need to see her eyes to feel her soul" He could see the stranger's eyes coming to life at the choice he easily had to make "So, the answer to my question is?"
"Yes?" the stranger nodded smiling.
"I'm going up the street, but when I come back, I'll explain" Shane frowned at the doubting look from the stranger "I will be back" he assured him.
"Can I get that money now?"
"When the jobs done" Shane laughed walking off
Shane went about his morning tasks, checking in at the diner to pay for the beverages, to the local art shops to choose his colours, grab more film, and of course his usual coffee and a sandwich, before he got back to the stranger, handing him the coffee, sandwich, and giving him the details about the woman. He stood describing her in more detail than he'd thought he had, it was the first time he was telling anyone about this particular piece of work, he carefully described her long brown fake fur coat, her brown button-down boots, how she wrapped it around her face sometimes, and what he needed the guy to do on her arrival.
"Got it?" he turned to ask.
"Yeah, I got it" the stranger smiled "You like her, don't you?" he asked "I can hear it in your voice".
"I like the art of her" Shane admitted.
"The art?" he asked, looking at Shane suspiciously.
"Yeah, I'm an artist" Shane reminded him with a smile on his face.
"And a man" the stranger reminded him "Don't you feel the slightest bit attracted to her?"
"Maybe" Shane laughed "But I have a deadline that's kicking me in the ass" he looked at the stranger "So, what's in New York?" he changed the subject fast
"A woman, my soulmate I think" he laughed.
"You think" Shane asked puzzled "You don't know if she's there but you're making your way across the country to get to her?"
"She's there" the stranger looked up at him "I foolishly let her go once, and I only just got the balls to go after her".
"How long has it been?"
"Two months" he shook his head.
"Seriously" Shane laughed "Two months and you think she's waiting around for you?"
"I won't know unless I find her".
"True" Shane nodded his head in agreement "So, why did you let her go?"
"Ever heard the story about the dork and the diva?"
"Is it the same as the one about chalk and cheese?"
"Basically" he laughed.
"Tell me your version" Shane sat next to him intrigued.
"She was going places, I didn't want to be that person, you know the one that held her back" he shrugged his shoulder "She needed to be free of a loser like me".
"Loser" Shane frowned "You play that guitar like a professional".
"I didn't, but since she's been gone that's all I do, so I guess I got better" he laughed "Two months ago I got confused about what I wanted, where I wanted to be, who I was, so damn confused" he shook his head.
"And now you're not?"
"And now I know none of it is ever going to make sense without her"
"I don't think I've ever stopped long enough to feel that way about anyone" Shane looked up in wonder "I guess I fought for my art" he laughed "My parents were just so grateful I've finally found something I was interested in, after four years of paying out for a fruitless education, that when it comes to my art, they don't deny me anything"
"My parents were the opposite, work on the ranch or get nothing" the stranger laughed "I did it for as long as I could, I felt like I was dying inside, I had to leave" he looked at his guitar "She's going to say I told you so, I know that much" he chuckled
"What did she tell you?"
"That I was going to regret not going with her, that I was just as good a musician as she was a singer"
"She sings?"
"Better than an angel" he smiled "And when she looks into my eyes, I feel like I could conquer the world, I mean literally"
"I'm envious, I've never felt that way about anyone" Shane shrugged his shoulders "Never given anyone a chance to get past the wall of ambition I've built around myself"
"Maybe it's time for you to take that leap, with this woman?"
"No, I'm not ready yet, I'm in my prime"
"Whatever you say" the stranger laughed "So, what time?"
"She arrives to collect her lunch at that deli every day, around twelve thirty, I'm guessing she might work local, but that's as much as I really know about her, everything else is in my head" Shane laughed
"I knew you had feels for the woman" the stranger laughed "I'll do my best"
"Thanks, I'll definitely make it worth your while" Shane got up to move off towards his apartment, he had things to set up
"It's a deal"
"Oh" Shane turned to add "Play something catchy"
"I'll try"
"Be motivated by focusing on getting to New York".
"I am" he laughed, picking up his guitar to strum a chord "I've got this" he assured Shane, picking up the coffee to take a sip before biting into his sandwich "Thanks" he held the sandwich up watching Shane walk away.
He sat waiting, trying his best not to think about that last day, because when it overcome him, it left him with so much rage, he needed to hit something, he'd felt too bad to tell Shane the woman was his wife, how does a man choose his family over his wife and expect them to come back from that? "Threats" he hissed, strumming a tune on the guitar.
Flashback
I knew without a doubt that my parents wouldn't approve of her, not only was she a person of colour, according to them she had unrealistic dreams, it didn't help that on first meeting her she asked how they lived out in the sticks and told them she couldn't do it. I'd introduced her to my parents as my wife, because she was, talk about knocking the wind out of them.
We'd got married after a short, intense relationship in New York, my friend Mike and her friend Rachel had been our witnesses at the small very intimate ceremony. The next two days we'd spent locked in a hotel room, well the bedroom to be specific, coming up for air and food. It was day three before I finally talked long enough to broach the subject of her meeting my parents, she was her usual bubbly self about it, couldn't wait to see where I'd come from, even longed to have a family, coming through the care system herself, she longed for family. I guess she didn't even notice that I was super tense about it, but I never mentioned the extent of my fears to her anyway.
The closer we got to Tennessee the tighter my chest felt and the quieter I got, I felt like I'd made the biggest mistake not giving her the heads up, and I wasn't giving her any excuses for what she was about to face. But the one thing I knew was that I was petrified of their reaction, I knew what I had to lose as their only child, and even then, as much as I knew that I loved my wife, I wasn't sure I was ready to lose everything.
"Mom, Dad" I jumped out the car rubbed his hands together, trying to wipe off the excessive sweat, watching my wife's ass wiggle reminding me of last night, while she searched the back seat for her phone "This is Mercy my wife" I checked myself and got my head back in the game.
"You have got to be..." my dad took his Stetson off and rubbed his head, which generally meant he was about to get real with me again, I was twenty-seven but they still felt it their duty to whop me upside the head instead of talking most days.
"Joke, right?" mom's eyes begging me to laugh this off, made me smile
"No joke mom we got married six days ago" I turned to look at Mercy still searching for her phone off the back seat, unsure why my lower brain was itching to tap that at this point "Babe"
"Found it" she turned with the phone in hand, smiling which quickly turned to a frown at the shock on my parents face "Nice to meet you finally, Mr and Mrs Evans" she held her hand out, being her usual upbeat self
"Can we have a word?" my dad hissed, his eyes telling me I was a dead man
"So" I heard Mercy carrying on a conversation with my mom as if they weren't meeting for the first time "I guess Sam never told you about me, make us a coffee and I'll tell you everything you want to know" she grabbed mom's arm and turned her to go into the house "This is where my hubby grew up" she looked around before stepping into the house, and they were gone.
I hadn't had such a nice welcome from my father there were the usual questions, where did you meet, how long have you known her, are you doing the right thing, and oh, did you even notice she was black, she won't fit in, I thought you were seeing that nice girl over at the Galveston ranch, before he came back at me with the not noticing she was black quote.
"You've been in New York three months son, how do you find a girl, fall in love, and get married in three months?"
"This is no different to how it was for you and mom" I cut him off with his own story
"It's very different, your mom and I knew each other way before we started dating"
"We knew each other before we got married" I snapped
"Does she need papers or something?"
"Seriously?" I hissed, my blood boiled at the thoughts he was having
"Watch your tone with me boy" he snapped back gazing at me for a few seconds before he spoke again "Does this mean you won't be helping out on the ranch, because with just one look I can tell she's not the type of girl that settled for this life?"
"She'll be alright with wherever I'm alright with" I assured him
"I hope you're sure about that" he stared at me for half a second again "I can't believe you got married without telling us, depriving your mom of that" he shook his head "That's the lowest blow"
"It's my life dad"
"It is that, let's see how it goes down with your new so called bride"
"She's not so called dad, she's my wife, Mrs Evans" I corrected him
"I'm telling you son, you're going to have to choose" he shook his head at me and walked back towards the house, I thought that was light compared to the picture of events I had in my head, but of course that was just the beginning.
Day one was quiet, we had dinner, I took her around the ranch, we went to the bar for a drink and made love in the stables before going back to the house to sleep in our separate rooms, my mom had never been one to accept girls in the house, let alone my room. Day two started rocky mom was in her tough questions mood, she'd cooked breakfast, set everything out as if she was serving royalty, and finally sat at the table with the rest of us.
"What do you think of the ranch?" she passed the bowl of sugar across the table to Mercy asking
"It's nice, big, looks like a lot of work for someone" Mercy laughed
"We have around twenty ranch hands, Dwight and Sam help out a lot, and I cook and tend to the house" she looked at me smirking "Do you cook Mercy?" her eyes flicked back to my wife
"I can" Mercy snapped happily "But I don't" she giggled "I'd rather pay someone to do that stuff, I want to sing"
"Sing?" mom looked at me and then back at Mercy "That's not going to keep a ranch going".
"What do you mean?" Mercy stopped eating to ask, all I could do was close my eyes and wait for the fall out, knowing I should have said something days ago.
"All this belongs to Sam when we go, this is home" mom smiled.
"Oh" Mercy looked at me puzzled "We haven't talked about that yet, home I mean" her eyes searching my face for an answer "I guess it's on our list of things to discuss" she smiled brushing my silence off
"Surely that's a subject for before marriage?" dad butted in
"Newlyweds" Mercy smiled "There are other things high on our list at the minute" she giggled grabbing my hand under the table, obviously she hadn't gotten the parents memo I thought, looking at my parents' eyes zoned in on whatever they thought she was doing under the table.
"Like?" dad snapped.
"My singing, Sam told you I was a singer, didn't he?" she looked at me, my parents eyes met again, I could tell they were laughing inside, waiting for the fall out.
"I have a confession" I laughed "I didn't tell them anything, you tell it so much better than I do" I squeezed her hand smiling. My parents and I sat listening to her tell us her aspirations, achievements, and struggles, and although they were impressed, I knew there was a storm coming.
Mom took Mercy out for the day to meet some of our neighbours and of course help the gossip chain, then in the evening Mercy and I talked, I finally came clean about the intentions of my family, my plans for the future, she listened but needless to say by the end of that conversation she wasn't talking to me.
Day three was the silent treatment, I left her to wonder around the ranch and think about things, I was expecting her to change her life plans for me after all.
"You've pushing me into a corner" she finally snapped at me as we sat on the porch trying to work things out, I was more relieved that she was talking to me again, than the actual words she said.
"I didn't mean to" I assured her.
"How can I ask you to give up your family business for me, I've not even started on my journey yet, I don't even know if I'm good enough to sing professionally, we can't give up a steady income".
"You are good enough" I heard myself telling her going against everything that was inside me.
"And so are you, you said you want to play guitar, you're really good Sam, just promise me you won't think this is your only option".
"It's their only option, what will happen to them, and all this if I leave?"
"Surely this should be about you, about us?"
"Okay, how about we stay until I find a boss, settle them in and then we can leave?"
"How long are you talking?" she asked me, I really didn't know, but I did know there was going to be no other boss on Evans land until my parents were well and truly in the ground.
"Babe?" I smiled; she saw right through me.
"I'll ask your parents, shall I?" she got up and walked into the house.
By the time I got into the house she'd already asked the question I could tell by my dad's face everything had already gone south "Boss?" dad asked me.
"I have a wife now" I couldn't find anything else to say.
"And you've always had a damn ranch, you knew that before you took a bride" dad snapped at me, I had no response for that.
"You trapped this poor girl" mom snapped at me, suddenly I was the enemy.
"I'm leaving tomorrow, Sam, you have a decision to make" Mercy announced out the blue, I was getting pulled from all sides, it was all my own fault I should have been straight with everyone.
She left the following day, saying she was making her way to New York, I wanted to go with her, but my family pulled so hard on my heart I compromised, told her I'd join her in a couple of weeks, brought her a ticket and put her on a plane back to Ohio, to grab her things. She took my calls for the first month every day and night we called, I made promises I knew I couldn't keep, and then one day she just stopped answering.
I'd wasted so much time with those promises, suddenly I was scared to lose her, I hired someone to help mom and dad and took the first bus out. I'd been to the place we rented in Ohio, she wasn't there anymore so I guessed she was in New York, living her dream, so here I was trying to find my wife.
End of Flashback
There was nothing left to do right now other than just earn this money to get the next bus out, every day he'd waisted took its toll on him, he stummed harder to attract more attention, just in case this thing with Shane didn't work out. No matter what he tried to do to liven his performance up once he'd strummed through the anger he always went back to the same melody, it was her song.
At first, he smiled his eyes closed as his mind heard her singing it, hearing money hitting his pan he opened his eyes, shocked at seeing her stood there, singing to him, he didn't know which to do, throw the guitar and grab her, or carry on playing and let her carry him away with that smooth voice of hers, he opted to carry on for a while.
...Boy, you know we locked in my heart locked down, I swear I ain't find nobody else to fit your crown.
I've been looking all my life for a real one like you, I know I would never find another real one like you.
Oh, you glisten, you just shine like nobody else do, don't even know why I'm still trying to find a real one like you.
Writing you this letter, damn, I wish that you could hold me, pen to the letter, cause with you, I got no worries.
Things that you do, it always hit and make my soul shake, I try not to, but I often think.
I finally found my soulmate... 'Letters' by Monica
"What are you doing here?" she asked when he stopped playing, tears welling up in her eyes "Are your parents alright?"
"I didn't want us to become just a memory" he hugged her "I'm sorry, I messed up" he whispered in her ear.
"So am I" she body rested against his "I've missed you so much".
"Me too" he squeezed her tighter "I'm never letting you go again".
"I hope not" she looked up at him smiling "I'm on my way back to the ranch".
"You don't have to; I'll go anywhere you need to be".
"I need to be with my family, and so do you" she stroked his face "I can sing from anywhere in the world, I should have realised that".
"And I should have been honest in the first place".
"Enough sorry" she looked behind her "This is Tessla, my new manager" Sam smiled at the lady stood donning a brown false fur.
"Shit" he hissed remembering what he was supposed to be doing there "Could you just look up at that building for a second please?" he asked Tessla "A favour for a friend that's really into you".
"Shoot" Tessla looked up at the window "When is he going to find the guts to come down here and ask me out?" she looked up at the window.
"I thought we agreed this nonsense was over today?" Mercy looked at her friend "Call him down" she rolled her eyes at the woman "She's been taking about him for days".
"How long have you been here?" Sam asked his wife, as they watched Tessla calling Shane down.
"Tessla lives here, I got here this morning, stop off on my way back home" she smiled "I like the sound of that, home".
"Me too" he smiled, they stood watching Shane and Tessla getting acquainted for a minute before they realised, they had catching up to do too "Excuse us" Sam smiled leaving them to themselves.