KNOCK! KNOCK!
"Come in."
Deadpool was lying on the couch when he heard knocking from the living room door. The door opened, revealing the source of the knocking - Twilight Sparkle. She walked into the living room, wearing a smile on her face.
"Hi, Wade. Do you have a minute?" Asked Twilight.
"I'm not doing anything badass or dangerous at the moment, so yeah," Replied Deadpool.
He gestured to an empty spot on the couch, Twilight sitting down.
"I was hoping we could talk about us, considering that we kissed the other night," Said Twilight.
"Way ahead of you! I already came up with ship names for us! I have come up with Twipool and Deadlight. Oh, I know what we should call ourselves - Tool!" Said Deadpool.
(That name makes you guys sound like "tools".)
"Shut up!"
Twilight chuckled at Deadpool's couple names for them.
"We can save that for Cadance when we tell her and my brother about us. I was thinking that we should go on a date," Said Twilight.
"A date? That could be fun. Are you thinking about maybe something along the lines of dinner?" Asked Deadpool.
"Yeah! And I was thinking we could go tonight? Of course as long as it is not short notice."
"Tonight? I'm gonna have to check my schedule. Oh wait, I'm Deadpool. I can do whatever the fuck I want, and I don't have a schedule. So, yeah, I can make that work. After all, when I'm not out on an epic adventure or job, I just sit around all day."
"Great, because it was the only time I could put it on my schedule."
Twilight used her magic to summon a three foot long scroll. It was a schedule for every minute of the week.
"Jeez, even when I do have schedules, they're never that long," Said Deadpool.
(The same can be said about your penis.)
"Okay, you can go fuck off!" Thought Deadpool to himself.
"I completed a report for Celestia early, so I have enough time to go visit Rarity's boutique to get a dress, while you get dressed as well. Then we can meet up back here and go out," Said Twilight.
"Awesome! I assume you have picked out where we are going?"
"Actually, I have decided to let you choose where we will eat."
"Yes! I know exactly where I'm taking you!"
"On one condition: you don't take me to the taco stand, or anywhere else that primarily serves cherrychangas."
"What?! Why?!"
"Wade, I'm not asking you to take me anywhere fancy, but you have eaten so many cherrychangas that you smell like them."
"Thanks for noticing! It's a new cologne I'm trying out. It's a mix between cherrychangas, gunpowder, and Axe."
"What I'm trying to say is let's go somewhere you haven't gone before; try something new."
"... Fine, but I'm going out for a cherrychanga run tomorrow."
"Good. Now that that's settled, I'm going to make my way to Rarity's. I'll be back at five."
"See ya!"
Twilight left the living room, leaving Deadpool to himself.
"I can't believe I'm actually going out on a date with Twilight!" Said Deadpool.
(It's been so long since we went out with a mare! When was the last time we went out on a date?)
(It's been exactly two years, eight months, and fifty-three days.)
(What?! But babes dig The Pool!)
"I know! I'm an award winning actor that has appeared on TV and movies; the latter both animated and live action, was twice robbed of People magazine's 'Sexiest Man Alive' award, and I am on IGN's 'Top 100 Comic Book Characters' list! You read that, fanfiction ladies? You can call me up at 1-800-FUN-TIME."
(Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's try to at least make it through the first date before you bring down Twilight's wrath with your constant flirting. Let's focus on getting ready. Like choosing a different suit.)
"What's wrong with mine?"
Upon closer inspection, Deadpool's suit was stained with sweat underneath his armpits, various food stains were on his chest, there were dry red patches of blood everywhere, and there were a couple holes patched up with duct tape on his forelegs.
(That paragraph said everything that is wrong with your suit. You must have something else to wear.)
"Ugh! Fine, but I'm wearing the mask! I don't need ponies staring at me while I'm trying to eat."
Deadpool walked over to a wardrobe, and opened it. He was first greeted by another of his trademark suits. He grabbed the coat hanger that held it, and slid it over to the left. He then grabbed a coat hanger and slid it in front of him, revealing another one of his suits. He kept finding more and more suits until he grabbed a single empty coat hanger.
(Why does that one not have any clothes on it?)
"Because it's my birthday suit."
He slid the coat hanger across, and grabbed another one. This one had a red dress on it. Deadpool screamed, and hid the dress out of sight.
"He he! How did that get in there?!" Pondered Deadpool nervously.
He then grabbed a coat hanger with another one of his suits on it. This one was different, though, it had a lot of rips and tears in it. Some were small, while others were large. Deadpool took the suit out of the wardrobe for a better look.
(Man, Carnage did a number on that!)
"I know. I should've asked Twilight if she would've taken this with her, so Rarity can sew it back up. I swear, though, if she makes it pink, or green and animated, I am leaving a poor review for Carousel Boutique on Yelp."
Wade grabbed one last coat hanger, and pulled it out. Attached to it was the suit Deadpool wore to the Grand Galloping Gala. It consisted of the black tuxedo and dress pants, with a red dress shirt and handkerchief.
"Oh, the suit I wore to the Grand Galloping Gala! I could wear this tonight," Said Deadpool.
(That can work. It's definitely better than what you are currently wearing.)
"Nice! I got a suit, now all I need to do is get dressed and I will be ready for the date!"
(Ah-Ahem!)
"What?"
(You're going out with the mare who changed your life for the better. You should do something for her besides taking her out for dinner.)
"Like have sex?"
(Great idea!)
(No! Well, I guess you could as long as she consents to it. I was thinking of something along the lines of a small gesture, like getting her flowers.)
"Flowers, eh? Not a bad idea. I know just the place to get some."
Meanwhile, at the Carousel Boutique, Twilight walked through the front door. The door hit a small bell, causing it to ring. This caught the attention of Rarity, who was carrying a box of fabrics with her magic. She put the box down, and went over to Twilight.
"Twilight, darling, welcome! What brings you to my shop?" Asked Rarity.
"Hi, Rarity! I was hoping you could make a dress for me?" Replied Twilight.
"Of course! Let me get your measurements, and we can get started!" Rarity walked over to a filing cabinet, and grabbed a piece of paper from the bottom drawer with her magic. "So, what's the special occasion?"
"Do you mind keeping it between us for now?" Asked Twilight.
"Of course."
"I'm going out on a date with Wade tonight."
Upon hearing Twilight's plans, Rarity's jaw dropped out of shock.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" Asked Rarity.
"Wade's taking me out on a date," Said Twilight.
"... Really?" Questioned Rarity skeptically.
"Yeah."
"Wade Wilson aka Deadpool?"
"Yes," Said Twilight a little irritably.
Rarity raised one of her hooves a few inches above her head.
"About yea tall and..." She then put her forelegs out in front of her, and put some distance between her front hooves. "And yea Wade?"
"Yes! Is it really that big of a deal?!" Asked Twilight irritably.
"No, I'm sorry. I was just surprised. After all, you two are very different," Said Rarity.
"I know we are different. He's disorganized, flippant, and overall chaotic. But at his best he's kind, fun, and, as much as I hate to admit it, he can be funny. Plus, the moment he confessed his feelings to me was great."
"Oh, tell me everything!" Said Rarity excitedly.
"Remember when I told you yesterday that he rescued me from a monster called Carnage?"
"Yes, and I'm glad he saved you from that ruffian. I hope that monster never sees the light of day ever again for as long as he lives!"
"Well, I was carrying him home in the rain, when he regained consciousness. Wade then told me how much I meant to him, and confessed his feelings for me."
"Anything else?"
"... I may have kissed him after that," Said Twilight with a light blush.
"Eeeek! That's so romantic!" Rarity was stomping her hooves out of excitement for her friend. "The others must know about this!"
"And they will, I just want to get through this date first. So, please just keep this between us until then."
"Oh, alright. Nothing about you and Deadpool will leave this room."
"Thank you."
"Now, what are we waiting for?! Let's get you ready for your magical night!"
Rarity grabbed Twilight by one of her hooves, and dragged her to her workroom, so she can get started on making her a dress. Meanwhile, Deadpool was at the Ponyville marketplace. He walked over to a flower stand that had a sign with a hot pink flower on it. The stand was attended by an earth pony mare. She had a pale yellow coat, a raspberry red mane and tail with lighter red streaks, green eyes, and a rose cutie mark.
"Deadpool! What brings you to my stand?" Asked the mare.
"Hey, Rose. I wanted to get some flowers for a special somepony," Replied Deadpool.
"Aww! Who's the lucky mare?" Asked Rose.
"Twilight Sparkle. I was hoping to get a bouquet of flowers for her."
"Certainly! What would you like?"
Deadpool looked at the wide selection of flowers on display. Their vibrant colors were pleasing to the eye, and the aromas freshened the senses.
(How about we get some lavender? It matches Twilight's coat.)
(Lavender symbolizes distrust, dumbass.)
"Yeah, aren't you familiar with the language of the flowers?"
(I thought lavender represented scented candles.)
(You're a lost cause.)
"I'll take a couple of leather flowers, a couple of purple geraniums, and throw in a red rose for the culture," Said Deadpool.
Rose grabbed the flowers Deadpool requested, and put them all in a bouquet. Deadpool reached into his magic satchel, and pulled out a Hello Kitty wallet. He gave fifteen bits to Rose, which she accepted eagerly. He then began to walk away, carrying the bouquet of flowers cautiously.
"Thanks, Rose!" Said Deadpool.
"You're welcome, Wade! I hope Twilight enjoys the flowers!" Said Rose.
"Now that that's done, let's get ready for the date," Said Deadpool to himself.
Later that evening, at the Golden Oak Library, Deadpool was pacing in the main library. Dressed in his tuxedo, he was ready for his date with Twilight. He was now waiting for her to return. He had butterflies in his stomach. He was pacing so much, he could've left impressions in the floor from where he was stepping.
"Oh, she'll be here any moment. How do I smell?" Asked Deadpool to himself.
(Like gunpowder and Axe body spray!)
(At least you don't smell like greasy food anymore after that shower.)
"How about my tie? Is it properly aligned?"
(As straight as an erection!)
"Celestia, I am so nervous. I haven't been out on a date in so long. It's like I'm going out on my very first date all over again."
(Just be… some parts of yourself, and everything will go great.)
"Wade, I'm back."
Deadpool looked towards the entrance, and his heart skipped a beat. Standing before him was Twilight, wearing the newest dress Rarity created for her. It was pink with magenta edges, and it sparkled in the light. She also wore glass slippers that were of the same pink color, and sparkled as well. The pièce de résistance to Twilight's attire was her mane. It was tied back in a ponytail, held together with a magenta bow.
"How do I look?" Asked Twilight.
Deadpool was left speechless by Twilight's beauty. Any attempt at speech was met with intelligible words.
"I… uh… You look… hot. I mean sexy! I meant arousing! I-I mean… extraordinary!"
(Smooth, Romeo. Oh, and you should cross your hind legs.)
Doing as he was told, Deadpool discretely crossed his hind legs. Despite the mix up with his words, Twilight couldn't help but chuckle at his antics.
"Oh, before I forget, I got these for you."
Deadpool reached up into his sleeves, and pulled out the bouquet of flowers he got for her. Twilight happily grabbed them with her magic.
"These are so pretty, thank you! Are you ready to go?" Asked Twilight.
"Yup, and I found a great place to eat," Answered Deadpool.
Twilight was about to reach a hoof towards Deadpool when she noticed he was still wearing his mask over his face.
"You're really going to wear that on our date?" Asked Twilight.
"Uh, yeah. Don't need to have everypony staring at what's under this. Besides, with this on, everypony will know that you, Twilight Sparkle, are going out with the Deadpool!" Said Wade.
Twilight put a hoof to her chin, trying to come up with a way to persuade Deadpool to take his mask off. An idea came to her, and she gave Wade a warm smile.
"Don't get me wrong, Deadpool is a great guy, but I wanted to go out on a date with Wade Wilson. That can't happen if you wear that mask," Said Twilight.
Deadpool was taken aback by Twilight's kind words. Normally, people were disgusted or horrified by his true appearance, but Twilight was different. She didn't find his appearance revolting, she accepted him for all of his parts. Still, he couldn't help but have self doubt.
"But… What if everypony comments on my appearance?" Said Deadpool sadly.
"Then they'll have to deal with me! You shouldn't have to be afraid of what others think of your features. Besides, I think you're handsome on the outside and the inside," Said Twilight.
Deadpool and Twilight stood in the main library for what felt like an eternity. Wade grabbed his mask, and took it off, revealing his scarred face. Twilight smiled upon seeing his face, which Deadpool returned with a smile of his own.
"Thank you, Twilight. It means a lot," Said Wade.
"Of course, and I meant every word. How about we go eat?" Suggested Twilight.
Before she knew it, her left fore hoof was held in Wade's right. They walked through the door, and shut the door behind them. As they walked through the streets of Ponyville, they took in the Equestrian night sky. All of the stars were out tonight, and Luna's Moon was in its full phase, illuminating the night sky. Eventually, they arrived outside of a small building. A sign above the doorway read "Le cuisine doré".
"Wow! I know you said you weren't going to take me out for cherrychangas, but this is one of Ponyville's top restaurants! You didn't have to take me anywhere fancy, Wade," Said Twilight.
"I know, but I wanted to. I earned quite a bit of money after completing a job as Equestria's hero for hire. I'm not a member of the Heroes for Hire, I'm just a hero for hire. I have been trying to join them, but Luke Cage and Iron Hoof haven't responded to any of my letters," Said Deadpool.
"Wade, you're rambling again."
"Sorry, sorry." Deadpool walked up to a pair of double doors, and opened one of them. "Mares first."
Twilight smiled at Wade's gesture, and walked through the door, with Wade following behind her. As soon as they entered, they were left in awe by the interior of the restaurant. The whole establishment was bathed in a dim light, cast by ornate chandeliers. The walls were lined with paintings of various sceneries from Equestria's natural world and Equestrian society. The floor they stood on was covered in a lush carpet. They walked up to a podium, where they were greeted by a unicorn stallion wearing a waiter's uniform. The moment he looked up, the waiter was mildly shocked by Wade's appearance. Thankfully, he regained his composure.
"Good evening, and welcome to Le cuisine doré. How may I be of service?" Asked the waiter with a British accent.
"Table for two, please," Said Wade.
"Do you have a reservation?"
"I do."
"Let's see…" The waiter picked up a clipboard through the use of his magic, and combed through many sheets of paper. "Are you Wayne?"
"Yup, that's me, Wade Wayne. Gotham born playboy, billionaire philanthropist. I am totally not Batman," Said Deadpool.
The waiter looked at him out of confusion before grabbing two menus.
"Very well. Please follow me to your table."
The stallion directed them to the right and up the center aisle. Once they arrived at the middle table, the waiter placed both menus on the table. Wade sat in one chair, while Twilight sat in the other across from him.
"Your waiter will be here shortly, and thank you for dining here at Le cuisine doré," Said the waiter.
Once the waiter left, Twilight spoke to Deadpool.
"Your last name is Wilson," Said Twilight.
"I know!" Said Wade with a chuckle.
"Then why did you put down Wayne for the reservation?"
"Because I wanted to poke fun at Batman. You know, I could be Batman. We're both brooding knights of justice with cool shit. And both our parents are dead! Well, my father's dead... to me."
Twilight was confused by Deadpool's rambling. The only thing she could say was -
"... Okay?"
A pegasus mare wearing a similar outfit to the previous waiter walked up to them. She too was taken aback by Wade's appearance, but regained her composure.
"Good evening. Could I get you two anything to drink?" Asked the waitress.
"I'll just have water, please," Said Twilight.
"And for you, sir?"
Deadpool was looking at a list of wines. Once making his choice, he turned his attention to the waitress.
"I'll have a glass of chardonnay mixed with a little moscato. Oh, and I'd like a lemon wedge with that," Said Deadpool.
"... Okay. I will be back with your drinks shortly."
The waitress left with a perplexed look on her face. Twilight also had a perplexed look.
"That's an odd request," Said Twilight.
"I know, but I figured what other way to celebrate our first date than with a concoction of two of my favorite wines," Said Deadpool.
"Speaking of drinks: while it's fine that you're having a drink tonight, I think I should tell you that... you have a drinking problem, Wade."
"Nah, I have it all figured out. I'm going to die permanently someday, and it's going to be by my terms. That being lying on an actual mattress made of cash in a mansion in Canterlot, and having drinked enough vodka to kill a small whale from alcohol poisoning."
"Well, hopefully you get your wish, and that your healing factor doesn't get in the way of that," Said Twilight sarcastically and with an eye roll. "I'm not saying that I want you to quit drinking, I just want you to cut back on how much alcohol you consume. In the time I have known you, I don't think I have ever seen you drink a single glass of water."
"I'm conserving water by drinking alcohol. I mean, we're in a water crisis you know."
(We're in Equestria, not California. We have plenty of water.)
Before Twilight could give a rebuttal, the waitress returned with their drinks. She gave Twilight her water, and Wade his chardonnay/moscato mix.
"Here are your drinks. Is there anything else I can get for you, or are you two ready to order?" Asked the waitress.
"I'm ready, what about you?" Asked Twilight to Wade.
"I am," Answered Wade.
"I will have the avocado caprese salad."
"Excellent choice. And for you, sir?" Said the waitress.
"... I think I know what I want, but I have one question," Said Wade.
"Yes?"
"... Do you serve cherrychangas?"
Not long after Wade asked his question, Twilight burst out laughing. Her laughter could be heard throughout the restaurant, attracting the attention of the other patrons. The waitress looked at Wade then Twilight with a brow raised.
"I'm afraid we don't serve that in this establishment," Informed the waitress.
"Darn. Okay then, I'll have the grilled vegetable gratin," Said Wade.
"Very good. I will put in your orders right away. And please feel free to call for me if you need anything."
The waitress went to fill in their orders, leaving Wade and Twilight, who was still laughing her ass off, to themselves.
"No cherrychangas? And I thought this place had some culture," Said Deadpool with a sigh.
"Please, stop! You're going to make me pee!" Said Twilight in between laughs.
Twilight continued to laugh for a couple more minutes before finally stopping. She clutched her stomach with a hoof due to how hard she laughed.
"I didn't realize cherrychangas were funny to you," Said Wade with a wry smile.
"I don't, I guess it caught me off guard. I know you like them so much, but I didn't think you would ask for them here. "Told you he was funny, Rarity," Thought Twilight.
"I'm most hilarious when no one expects it."
As the minutes went by, the two ponies were left in awkward silence. They were trying to come up with some small talk, but no one made a move. Deadpool grabbed a flashcard from one of his pockets, and read it.
"Uh, wonderful weather we're having, isn't it?" Asked Deadpool.
"Yeah, it is," Replied Twilight.
"Let's see… How many siblings do you have?"
"Two. Shining Armor and Spike. Where did you get these conversation openers?"
"... Uh, from a blog."
"We've known each other for over a year now, Wade. We should be able to talk to each other. Here, I have something in mind. How are you feeling about not wearing your mask in public?"
"You were right, I had nothing to fear. Nopony bothered me or made crude comments about my face. I did catch a few ponies looking at me funny, but I ignored them. And if they did bother me, I am not afraid to ruff 'em up. As evidenced in the seventh chapter when I beat the shit out of Blueblood."
"Good to hear. How about you try asking me something?"
"Okay." Deadpool took a long moment to come up with a question. "Uh, do you like… knives?"
Before Twilight could give an answer, the waitress returned with two trays of food.
"I have the avocado caprese salad for you, Madam, and the grilled vegetable gratin for you, Sir. I'll be back to check up on how you're doing," Said the waitress.
She gave the couple their meals, both of them saying thanks. She then left them to their meals.
"Ah, yeah! Food's here!" Said Deadpool with excitement.
"Let's dig in, shall we?" Said Twilight.
Both ponies began to eat eagerly due to the fact that they were famished. In a few minutes, they finished their meals.
"Wow, that was great! How was your's, Wade?" Asked Twilight.
"It's no cherrychanga, but I liked it. By the way, I'm convinced that waiters are trained to ask if a customer's meal is to their liking when they have food in their mouth. Our waitress didn't come by until I literally took a bite out of my gratin," Said Wade.
"Oh, stop!" Said Twilight affectionately.
Just then, the waitress returned.
"Was everything to your liking?" Asked the waitress. Both ponies nodded their heads in response. "Wonderful, I will leave your bill here when you are ready."
As she walked away, Deadpool grabbed the bill.
"Okay, let's see what the damage is." Deadpool only had to look at the bill for a quick second for his eyes to grow to the size of saucers, and for his teeth to grind. "What the fuck?!"
Deadpool's choice of words caught the attention of every patron in the restaurant. His mouth formed into a nervous smile, and he scratched the back of his head.
"Um… Pardon my Prench," Said Wade nervously.
After reluctantly paying the bill, Deadpool and Twilight made their way home. Once they arrived at the front door, they stopped to face each other.
"I had a great time with you, Wade," Said Twilight.
"Me too. I'm glad you gave this washed up stallion a chance to take you out. I was actually wondering, would it be too soon to ask if you would be my marefriend?" Asked Wade.
"Hmm… Under different circumstances, I would say yes. But I have known you long enough that I only need one date to know that I want you as my coltfriend," Answered Twilight.
"Awesome!"
Deadpool and Twilight stood outside for a couple quiet minutes, looking into each other's eyes before Twilight scratched her chin.
"Something feels missing," Said Twilight.
"Hmm… Oh! I have an idea," Said Wade.
"Yes?"
"I say let's do something that will piss off the Pinkie Pie/Deadpool shippers," Said Deadpool seductively.
Deadpool leaned towards Twilight, with her following suit. They both pressed their lips together, and kissed. They stayed like that for a solid minute before breaking apart for air. Deadpool opened the door for Twilight, and she went inside. Deadpool then looked towards you, the reader, and gave you a wink. He then closed the door behind him, ending the night they will remember for years to come.
Fin.
Hope you all enjoyed the latest chapter of "Deadpool: Mercenary of Harmony"! Be sure to stay tuned for the next chapter, because it will revolve around a critical moment from "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic"! Until next time, this has been ThePhantomArchives, and I hope you all have a good day!