It was late in the evening, and Twilight, Spike, and Deadpool were all hanging out in the main library. Twilight was yet again reorganizing her extensive book collection, with Spike reluctantly helping her out. As for Deadpool, he was just watching while drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.
"You guys are doing great," Said Deadpool.
"We would probably be done by now if you stopped standing over there and helped us, Wade," Said Spike exasperatedly.
"I am helping. I'm your motivational support."
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Knocking could be heard from the other side of the front door, catching everyone's attention.
"Okay, we need to seriously put up a sign out front with visiting hours. We have too many ponies coming by here during the evening."
With irritation in every step he took, Deadpool walked over to the front door. Opening it, a mailmare stood on the other side.
"Letter for Princess Twilight Sparkle," Said the mailmare.
She gave Deadpool a single envelope. She reached into a saddlebag to pull out a clipboard, but before she could ask for a signature, Deadpool slammed the door behind him.
"Who was it?" Asked Twilight.
"Just a mailmare. She gave me this letter addressed to you."
Deadpool gave Twilight the envelope before going back to drinking his whiskey. Twilight opened the envelope by tearing the top with her magic. Pulling out the letter, she examined its contents. Suddenly, a grin appeared on her face, and she gasped in delight.
"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" Said Twilight excitedly.
"What does it say?" Asked Spike.
"Spike, it's a letter from our parents! They're coming over tomorrow night to visit us!" Said Twilight excitedly.
Suddenly, Deadpool's eyes burst open in shock, and his grip tightened on his drink.
"Mom and Dad are coming over?! Awesome!" Said Spike excitedly.
"I can finally introduce you to my parents, Wade! Isn't this great?!" Asked Twilight excitedly.
SHATTER!
Deadpool's grip on his whiskey was too tight. The neck of the bottle snapped off, resulting in the bottom half falling to the floor and shattering into pieces. The distilled alcoholic liquid spilled out across the floor. The shattering of the glass had surprised both Spike and Twilight.
"Wade?! Wade, are you alright?!" Asked Twilight.
Deadpool couldn't hear her. He was lost in his own panicking thoughts.
(Well, Twilight was great to have as a marefriend, but I think we need to let her go before her parents find out about who we are.)
"Wade!" Shouted Twilight.
"Huh?!" Said Deadpool.
"Are you alright?" Asked Twilight.
"Uh, yeah I'm fine. I must have zoned out a little," Answered Deadpool.
"Wade, I can tell something's on your mind. Do you want to tell me?" Asked Twilight.
"(Sigh) Okay. I'm nervous about meeting your parents tomorrow," Answered Deadpool.
"Why? They are not bad at all. In fact, Mom said in the letter that she was excited that she and Dad could finally meet you," Said Twilight.
"Yeah, Wade. They are both awesome! I think you will like Mom because she's kind of a thrill seeker like you, and Dad's pretty cool when you get to know him," Added Spike.
"You both say that now, but once they see that I am who Twilight choose as her coltfriend, they are going to try to kill me!" Said Deadpool.
"Wade, you are overreacting. They are going to like you," Said Twilight.
"Don't you remember what happened when we told Shining Armor and Cadance we were seeing each other?" Asked Deadpool.
(Cuing flashback… now!)
Two months ago…
Deadpool and Twilight were at the Crystal Empire. They were currently standing in front of two crystal doors leading to the throne room of the Crystal Castle. Twilight was about to open the doors when Deadpool grabbed her hoof.
"Hold on, Twilight. Are you sure we have to do this?" Asked Deadpool nervously.
"We already told our friends that we are together. It's time that we tell my brother and Cadance about us," Said Twilight.
"I know. I'm fine with telling Cadance. I'm just worried about telling Shining Armor. He is your brother… and he was Captain of the Royal Guard… With combat experience," Said Deadpool timidly.
"Wade, everything is going to be okay. Trust me, he's going to be happy that we're together," Assured Twilight.
Twilight used her magic to open the doors. Doing so revealed Shining Armor and Princess Cadance on the other side.
"Twily, it's so good to see you!" Said Shining Armor.
"It's great to see you too, BBBFF!" Said Twilight while giving her brother a hug.
"Hi, Twilight!" Greeted Cadance.
"Hi, Cadance!"
Twilight stood in front of her sister-in-law, and they did their special chant and hoof-shake.
"Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake! Clap your hooves and do a little shake!"
As both Princesses laughed happily, Deadpool was watching from the doors. He smiled under his mask, and chuckled. This caught Shining Armor and Cadance's attention.
"Oh hey, Deadpool," Greeted Shining Armor.
"Hi, Shining Armor and Princess Cadance," Replied Deadpool.
"So, what brings you two to the Crystal Empire?" Asked Shining Armor.
"We came over because we have something very important to tell you," Answered Twilight.
Cadance put a hoof to her chin, then a thought popped into her head. Whatever she was thinking of caused a smile to appear on her face.
"Okay, we're all ears," Said Shining Armor.
Twilight took a second to take a deep breath before she spoke.
"Shining Armor, Cadance, I have a coltfriend."
The room fell silent. Shining Armor looked absolutely shocked while the smile on Cadance's face only grew larger. Meanwhile, Deadpool walked up to Twilight with sweat visibly dripping from his costume.
"You have a coltfriend…?" Asked Shining Armor in disbelief.
"Yes, and as you can see it's-"
"Twily, this is great!" Shining Armor's disbelief was quickly replaced with joy. "I knew you would find your special somepony someday! Tell me who the stallion is. Is he a scientist? Sorcerer? Maybe a scholar?"
"Even better. She's with an alcoholic high school dropout with an obsession for weapons and cherrychangas… And has a body count," Said Deadpool nervously, keeping that last bit to himself.
Cadance looked like she was about to explode with joy at any second, while her husband looked at Deadpool and Twilight. He saw that they were both holding hooves, and he finally pieced it together.
"You and Wade are…"
"Yes, he's my coltfriend," Answered Twilight.
"YES!"
Cadance burst with joy, and she grabbed both Twilight and Deadpool in a tight hug.
"Yes, yes, yes! I am so happy for you two! You have no idea how long I have been waiting for you two to tell us!" Said Cadance happily.
"You knew?" Asked Twilight.
"I'm the Princess of Love, Twilight. These kinds of things don't escape my notice. Ever since I discovered you were an item at the coronation, you two have become my otp! This is so exciting! We could go on double dates together and talk about our relationships! Then when the time comes you two will have a big romantic wedding! Hopefully without changelings interfering… And before you know it there will be two little fillies in a baby carriage!"
Hearing everything Cadance said made both Deadpool and Twilight turn pink, even with the former wearing his mask.
"Speaking of babies, have you two been busy yet?" Asked Cadance nonchalantly.
"C-Cadance! Do you have to be so upfront about it?!" Asked Twilight in sheer embarrassment.
"No, you're right. Wade and Twilight, may I ask if you two have been intimate with each other?"
Before Twilight could give an answer, Cadance squealed in excitement.
"I'm sorry, I can't help it! I'm just so happy for you two!" In a matter more fitting for a school age filly than a Princess, Cadance hopped around the throne room while singing… "Twily has a coltfriend! Twily has a coltfriend!"
While everything was going on, Shining Armor was visibly twitching in the face. His facial features gradually contorted to give him an enraged expression. If one looked closely, they could see what looked like fire in his eyes.
"WADE WILSON!" Shouted Shining Armor in blind fury.
"Umm… Should I run?" Asked Deadpool timidly.
"You!" Shining Armor marched over to a guard who was standing by the doors to the throne room, holding a spear. "Give me that!"
"Run," Said Twilight.
With exceptional speed, Deadpool ran out of the throne room.
"COME BACK HERE!"
With the spear in his magic wielding grasp, Shining Armor followed Deadpool in hot pursuit. Not too long after, the sound of Deadpool's screams could be heard.
"OH CELESTIA! THE HUMANITY!" Cried Deadpool in complete agony.
As Deadpool was being brutally beaten, both Twilight and Cadance looked towards the doors with painful looks on their faces.
Back in the present day, Deadpool shuddered from recounting the day he and Twilight told her brother and sister-in-law about their relationship.
"Okay, I understand your anxiety now," Said Twilight.
"Yeah. I may have a healing factor, but 'Main Street' is still recovering from your brother impaling and crucifying me!" Said Deadpool while pointing at his ass.
(To this day, we still can't take a shit without our asshole feeling like it's being ripped to shreds.)
"I'm sorry. Shining Armor's just very protective of me and he got carried away that day. I can assure you though you won't have to fear that happening again, especially after Cadance informed me that she and Shining had a LONG talk about his behavior," Assured Twilight.
"Yeah, well, I'm still filing for a restraining order against him," Said Deadpool irritably.
"Let's focus on the current matter at hoof. I know that meeting my parents for the first time will be intimidating, but they are some of the nicest ponies you are ever going to meet. So, please give them a chance."
"... (Sigh) Okay, I'll meet you parents."
"Yay!" Cried Twilight sweetly.
"Alright! Trust us, Wade, you're going to have a great time with our folks," Assured Spike.
"While I'm thinking about it, do you mind not wearing your suit tomorrow?" Asked Twilight.
"Sure. You want me to wear something nice?" Asked Deadpool.
"If you want to. You could also wear something casual or even just choose not to wear anything," Answered Twilight.
"Twilight, sweetheart, I appreciate what you're telling me, but I always have to wear clothes. Just seeing my face fucks most ponies up. If anyone were to see my full appearance, they would lose their sanity."
"Suit yourself."
"Oh, hey, just a teenie question. Do your parents know who I was before we got together? Specifically, do they know I, um, killed ponies?" Asked Deadpool.
"No. Everything they know about you is from newspaper articles from the previous year and from letters I have written to them," Answered Twilight.
"Okay, phew! That will make it SO much better to gain their trust!"
"You have nothing to worry about. They are going to love you." Twilight gave her coltfriend a hug, which he reciprocated. "Now, you have a mess to clean up. I don't want anypony to accidentally step on broken glass."
"Yes, mistress," Said Deadpool reluctantly.
Deadpool reluctantly made his way downstairs in search of a broom and dustpan to clean up his broken whiskey bottle.
The next day…
It was early in the morning, and Deadpool had taken a trip over to Sweet Apple Acres. He was sitting on a log as he watched one of his friends, Applejack, bucking apples.
"Thanks for taking the time to see me while you are working," Said Deadpool.
"Of course, partner. So, what brings ya to mah neck of the woods?" Asked Applejack.
"I was hoping I could ask you for advice," Said Deadpool.
"What for?" Asked Applejack.
"Well, later this evening, I'm going to meet Twilight and Spike's parents."
"That's great! It's nice to see that you and Twilight are fully committin' to your relationship."
"Yeah, it is," Muttered Deadpool.
"Somethin' wrong, sugarcube?" Asked Applejack.
"Nah, I'm just anxious about meeting her parents. I love Twilight so much, and I want to be able to have good relations with her family. It's probably too late between me and her brother since he turned me into a scarecrow, but I want her parents to like me enough that when I someday ask for Twilight's hoof in marriage, they will bless it," Said Deadpool.
"Aw, well that's mighta thoughtful of ya. I can't help, though, but wonder why you're coming to me for advice. I haven't been in a relationship before. This sort of thing would be something you would go to Rarity for instead of me."
(And on the whole parents thing… well…)
(You're terrible.)
(It's not that bad! All she would need is a butler and a cape and cowl, and she would be Batman!)
(Man?)
(Ugh! "Batpony!" There. Are you happy now?! I made a horse pun!)
"Rarity may know a thing or two about romance, but she tends to dramatize everything. I know that if I went to her for advice, she would say something along the lines of 'Deadpool, darling, if you don't show Twilight's parents that you are a well-mannered and sophisticated stallion, then they will forbid you from ever seeing her again!'" Said Deadpool in his best Rarity impression.
"(Chuckles) That does sound like her," Concurred Applejack.
"Besides being arguably the most mature out of all of us, you represent the Element of Honesty. I know that whatever advice you give will be true to your heart. So, that's why I came to you," Said Deadpool.
"Hmm… Alright, I'll give you my best advice. Let's start with a simple question: How do ya want Twi's parents to think of ya?" Asked Applejack.
"I want them to see me as a respectful stallion worthy of their daughter, and not a homicidal maniac," Answered Deadpool.
"Well then, that's all you have to do. Show them why you are worthy of Twilight's affection, and they will love ya really quickly."
"Show them why I am worthy of Twilight's affection… Thanks, AJ. I know exactly what I need to do. I need to get ready for tonight. I'll see you later."
Deadpool got up from the log he was sitting on, and made his way back home.
Twelve hours later…
It was late in the evening at the Golden Oak Library, and Twilight and Spike were in the main library. They were eagerly waiting for their parents to arrive.
"When are they coming, Twilight?!" Asked Spike excitedly.
"They should be here any second, Spike," Said Twilight.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
As soon as she finished her sentence, knocking could be heard from the front door. Twilight lit up her horn and she used her magic to turn the doorknob. Once the door was open, a unicorn mare walked into the main library. She had a light grey coat, blue eyes, and a striped mane and tail that were purple and very light grey (nearly white) in color. On her flank were three purple stars for her cutie mark. She carried a small envelope in her magic.
"Who's ready to have some quality family time?!" Asked the mare.
"Mom!"
Spike ran up to his mother, Twilight Velvet, and they both embraced each other in a hug.
"Hello, Spike! And hello to you, too, Twilight," Said Twilight Velvet.
"Hi, Mom. Where's dad?" Asked Twilight.
"He was with me a moment ago. Night Light, where did you run off to?" Asked Twilight Velvet towards the door.
"I'm right here, Velvet. I thought I saw a store selling bingo games in their display window."
A unicorn stallion, Night Light, walked in and stood next to Twilight Velvet. He had an azure coat, dark blue mane and tail, and piercing amber eyes. His cutie mark consisted of two crescent moons, one yellow and the other white.
"Hi, Dad!" Greeted Spike.
"Hey there, little stallion!" Night Light lightly ruffled Spike's head crest, earning a chuckle from the little dragon. "And hello, sweetie."
"Hi, Dad. I'm glad you both decided to come over to visit," Said Twilight.
"Of course! It's been a long time since we've seen each other. What with you moving to Ponyville and becoming a princess. Your father and I wanted to see you two so much we decided to come over and treat you to dinner," Said Twilight Velvet.
"You two don't have to do that. I would be more than willing to treat you two to dinner instead."
"We insist. Although, we hoped you know a good place to eat around here," Said Night Light.
"I have one place in mind that I know you both will enjoy."
Twilight looked over to her left and saw her mother was very close to her with a radiant smile on her face.
"Mom?"
"So, are we going to meet him?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
"Him? Oooh! Yeah, you will meet Wade. He will be accompanying us tonight," Said Twilight.
"Eek! This is so exciting! Your father and I were thrilled when you finally made friends, but now you have a coltfriend! You have no idea how happy we are for you! Right, hun?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
"You bet! After being such an introvert for so long, it's great to see you making all of these new relationships, including your relationship with Wade," Said Night Light.
"Tell me, is he handsome?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
"Yes," Answered Twilight simply.
"That's bias," Said Spike.
"Can he cook?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
"Not professionally, but yes."
"Have you two slept with each other yet?"
"Mom!" Said Twilight sheepishly, her face bright pink.
"Ha! Knew it! You owe me five bits, Night Light!"
"That's not a direct answer, dear. And also, I think you broke our daughter."
Night Light pointed towards Twilight. Her face was still pink, and her right eye twitched every few seconds. She then heard the sound of hoofsteps ascending up the flight of stairs that lead to the lower level of the Golden Oak Library.
"I can hear Wade coming upstairs. Before I introduce you to him, I want to let you both know he can be self conscious about his appearance, so please try not to say anything," Said Twilight.
"Oh, Twilight, of course we won't. Right, Night Light?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
Night Light responded with a simple nod of his head.
"Okay. Are you ready, Wade?" Asked Twilight.
"As ready as I'll ever be."
Wade walked into the main library. He was wearing a white dress shirt, black tie, and tan khakis. Upon seeing Wade's scarred face for the first time, both Twilight Velvet and Night Light were shocked. The former was just barely able to repress a gasp.
"Uh… Hi. I'm Wade, Wade Wilson," Said Wade timidly.
As soon as Wade introduced himself, the shocked looks on Twilight's parents' faces disappeared and were replaced with friendly grins. Twilight's mother was the first to greet Wade, reaching out to shake his hoof.
"Hello, Wade! It's so great to finally meet you!" Said Twilight Velvet.
(She's Twilight's mom?! Holy shit! She is a MILF!)
(Could you NOT have such thoughts about the mare who may become our future mother-in-law?)
(I'm a disembodied voice. I don't follow standard social conventions. And like you aren't having such thoughts yourself.)
(...Yeah.)
"It is really great to finally meet the stallion that our daughter is dating," Said Night Light.
"It's an honor to finally meet both of you, Mr. and Mrs. Sparkle," Said Wade.
"Please, you can refer to me by Night Light."
"And you can call me Twilight Velvet."
"Okay then, Twilight Velvet and Night Light," Said Deadpool.
(Wait. Her name is Twilight Velvet, and her daugther's name is Twilight Sparkle?)
(I bet their names have been mixed up at least once.)
"Is everypony ready to go?" Asked Twilight.
"Wait, I have something for you, Wade." Twilight Velvet gave Deadpool the envelope. "We heard your birthday was a couple weeks ago, so Night Light and I wanted to give you this."
Deadpool opened the envelope and pulled out a card. The front of the card had a picture of a cod wearing a party hat. Opening the card, it read "Please Enjoy This Birthday Cod". Towards the bottom of the card written in pen were the words "Happy Belated Birthday! From Night Light and Twilight Velvet".
(Really? No money or gift card?)
(Have you ever learned that it's the thought that counts?)
(Yeah. It would have been thoughtful if we got pocket money along with the card.)
"Ha! I love puns! Thanks for the card!" Said Deadpool.
"You're welcome, sweetie. Now, let's go!" Sing-songed Twilight Velvet.
A few minutes later…
Deadpool and the Sparkle family were all at a small diner. The diner was rustic, with a checkerboard floor, windows built into the walls, and various memorabilia hanging behind the lunch counter such as sports jerseys and historic pictures. The group sat at a large booth in the right back corner of the diner. A unicorn waitress walked up to the booth, carrying a notepad and pencil with her magic.
"Can I start you folks off with some drinks?" Asked the waitress.
"I'll have a glass of water," Said Twilight.
"Sure thing, Your Highness," Replied the waitress.
"I'll have a diet soda," Said Night Light.
"I will have a cup of coffee. Decaf and add cream," Said Twilight Velvet.
"I would like an orange soda please," Said Spike.
"Of course. And for you sir? Said the waitress.
"Hmm… I'll have an Equis Draft, sixteen ounces," Said Deadpool.
"Okay. I'll bring over your drinks when they are ready."
"Thank you!" Said Twilight Velvet.
Once the waitress left to fill in their drink orders, Twilight Velvet looked to her daughter.
"So, Twilight, how is being a princess going?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
"It's going very well. I've been kept busy with all of the work involved with the title, but it has been enjoyable being somepony to look up to," Said Twilight.
"Oh, look at you! You've only been a princess for a couple months, and you're already excelling! I knew the moment I first met you in that hospital room, you would grow up to be somepony special!"
Twilight Velvet reached over across the table to pinch her daughter's cheek affectionately. Seeing this made Deadpool laugh at the expense of his marefriend.
"Mom!" Said Twilight embarrassingly.
"Sorry, not sorry, dear," Said Twilight Velvet.
"Spike, how has it been being the assistant of a princess?" Asked Night Light.
"Eh, it's been alright. I mostly do the same tasks I have always done. Fetching books for her studies, reading and writing letters, keeping ALL of Twilight's checklists. Even though it gets tiring at times, I enjoy helping her out," Said Spike.
Just like with her daughter, Twilight Velvet pinched her son's cheek, much to his annoyance. Deadpool continued to laugh.
"Aw! My Spikey-boo is such a responsible young man!" Said Twilight Velvet affectionately.
"Mom, stop! And that was my nickname when I was four!" Said Spike embarrassingly.
Just then, the waitress returned, carrying a tray with all of their drinks. She carefully passed everyone their drinks.
"Here are all of your drinks. Are you all ready to order?" Asked the waitress.
"I could use another minute," Said Night Light.
"We would like a couple more minutes to look over the menu, please," Said Twilight.
The waitress did a little bow before leaving everyone to look over the menus. Night Light took a sip of his drink before directing his attention towards Deadpool, who wasted no time in drinking his beer.
"So, Wade, Twilight told us you're a superhero. What's that like?" Asked Night Light.
"It's a roller coaster of emotions. It's thrilling one minute, then terrifying the next minute. You're happy when everypony is safe, but terrified when somepony's life is on the line," Said Deadpool.
"I can imagine that. Being a hero is dangerous, isn't it?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
"Very. My line of work usually involves dangerous environments, menacing ponies, and lethal weapons," Explained Deadpool.
"Do you get hurt a lot?" Asked Night Light.
"All the time. Thankfully I have a healing factor, so I don't stay hurt for long," Answered Deadpool.
"How does that work?" Asked Night Light.
"My healing factor basically accelerates my body's ability to heal itself to the point where I can even heal from injuries that would normally be very lethal," Explained Deadpool.
"Interesting. So your boo-boos heal quickly?" Questioned Twilight Velvet.
"I don't get boo-boos! I get shot, shanked, and blown up! I get injuries, not boo-boos…" Said Deadpool irritably.
Like he did to both of them, Twilight and Spike laughed at Deadpool's expense.
"Sorry, deary. That was the mother in me talking," Said Twilight Velvet.
"It's fine. With everything my body goes through on a regular basis, some of the more serious injuries would be equivalent to a bruise or scratch," Said Deadpool.
"When you are not doing hero work, do you have a side job?" Asked Night Light.
"Well actually, I am a hero-for-hire; self-employed, not part of the actual group. I do heroic deeds for free, but people also hire me to do heroic actions such as saving somepony, stopping a group of criminals, the works," Explained Deadpool.
"Wade's adventures often have him travel to different parts of Equestria, even the world. As such, he usually leaves for at least a few days or weeks a couple times a month," Added Twilight.
"A travelling business hero? I can respect that," Said Night Light.
Twilight Velvet nodded her head in agreement. Deadpool smiled from the approval.
"I think they're starting to approve of me!" Thought Deadpool excitedly.
(Just don't fuck up, and it will be smooth sailing from here.)
"How could I fuck this up?" Asked Deadpool to himself.
(Are you not familiar with our character? If I had a nickel for every fuck up, we would be making bank.)
After a couple minutes passed by, the waitress returned.
"Are you folks ready to order?" Asked the waitress.
"Dad?" Said Twilight.
"I'm ready when you all are," Said Night Light.
"We're ready," Said Twilight.
"Great! What could I get for you?" Asked the waitress.
"I would like the tomato and green pepper omelet," Replied Twilight.
"I will have an open-faced sandwich," Said Night Light.
"I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich," Said Spike.
"I would like the cream of mushroom soup, please," Said Twilight Velvet.
The waitress wrote down everyone's orders on her notepad before looking towards Deadpool.
"And what can I get for you, sir?" Asked the waitress.
"Hmm… Hey, Twilight," Said Deadpool.
"Yes?" Said Twilight Sparkle and Twilight Velvet in unison.
(Knew it!)
"I meant my marefriend, Twilight. May I get this?"
Deadpool pointed at his menu. Twilight rolled her eyes before giving him a smile.
"Of course you can have some," Said Twilight.
"Yes! I would like some cherrychangas," Said Deadpool excitedly.
"Okay then. I will put in your orders, and I will return when they are ready," Said the waitress.
"Thanks again!" Said Twilight Velvet graciously.
The waitress left to fill in their orders. As soon as she left, Twilight Velvet directed her attention to Deadpool, who had an eager look on his face.
"I see that you like cherrychangas, Wade," Said Twilight Velvet.
"'Like' is a bit of an understatement," Said Spike.
"Spike's right. Cherrychangas are my obsession," Said Deadpool.
"Have you ever been to the El Taco Picante?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
"Doesn't sound familiar. And this is coming from the stallion who has a mental map of the various taco joints across Equestria," Answered Deadpool.
"You should definitely give it a visit next time you come to Canterlot. They make some of the best cherrychangas in all of Equestria!"
"Well then, I will most definitely give it a… try…"
Deadpool focused his attention towards the front of the diner, and he grew very nervous. Gathered in front of the front door were a group of stallions consisting of three pegasi, two earth ponies, and one unicorn. They were all wearing purple t-shirts. Deadpool was visibly sweating, and he had a lump in his throat.
"Wade, are you feeling alright? You're sweating profusely," Said Twilight Velvet concernedly.
"Erm… I need to have a word with my marefriend in private!"
Deadpool grabbed Twilight's hoof and hastily dragged her towards the back of the diner. He led her into the stallion's restroom.
"We need to talk!" Said Deadpool urgently.
"Okay, but do we really need to talk here?" Asked Twilight.
Deadpool thought about his marefriend's question before taking her hoof again. Stepping out of the stallion's restroom, he directed her into the mare's restroom. A couple of mares ran out of the restroom, screaming after they entered.
"Is this better?" Asked Deadpool.
"Ugh…" Twilight couldn't help but facehoof herself from Deadpool's oblivious action. "Let's make this quick before we get in trouble."
"I need to get out of here!"
"Why? What's wrong?" Asked Twilight.
"Have you ever heard of a stallion by the name of Wilson Fisk?" Asked Deadpool in reply.
"The businesspony? I have heard of him through the paper. Supposedly he is a powerful crime lord, but there isn't any hard evidence to prove his illicit activities," Said Twilight.
"I can assure you that he is one of the most dangerous crime lords in the world! Some of his men are here, so I need to go!"
(Why would Kingpin's goons be in Ponyville?)
(Wilson Fisk owns many legitimate businesses both in and outside Manehattan to cover his illegal activities like in the comics. Perhaps one of those businesses is in Ponyville.)
"I'm sure if you leave them alone, we will be fine," Said Twilight.
"Well…"
"What?"
"You see, before you and I met and I moved out of Manehattan, I was hired to, ah-ahem, 'bring Fisk to justice'. I got close, but I had to flee because Vincent D'Onofrio overpowered me. I have no doubt that he has since put me on his shit list, so once his goons inevitably see me, you and your family will be in danger," Explained Deadpool.
"Oh! Yeah, that's very bad. Tell you what, we'll all just go."
"No, I don't want to ruin your night out with your family. I'll just say I needed to call it an early night. I'll even leave money for you guys to pay the bill."
"That's nice of you, Wade, but my parents wanted to see you, me, and Spike tonight. As long as we delicately inform them of the situation, I know they will understand and we can move our little gathering back to the library."
"... Okay. Let's go tell them."
(Hold on! Let's stay here for at least another minute! This is the first time I've ever gotten to see what the inside of a mare's restroom looks like!)
Deadpool and Twilight left the restroom and returned to their table, where Spike, Night Light, and Twilight Velvet were waiting for them. Unbeknownst to any of them, the unicorn stallion of the group of goons saw Wade. He directed his colleagues' attentions towards the hero, and directed them to follow him.
"Mom. Dad. We need to-"
"What were you two doing in the stallions and mares restrooms? Were you two doing naughty things?" Asked Twilight Velvet sternly.
"What?! No!" Said Twilight embarrassingly.
"Good. (Chuckles) That reminds me of this one thing your father and I did at a Foal Fighters concert back before Shining was born. We-"
"As much as we would like to hear about you and Night Light's rebellious love life, we need to leave," Said Deadpool.
"Oh, how come?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
"There's a few ponies here who are not very friendly, and we need to leave before they-"
"Well, if it isn't the Merc With a Mouth!"
The group of stallions formed a half circle around Deadpool and the booth to prevent him and the Sparkle family from running off. Even though he was trapped, Deadpool only looked exasperated while cursing under his breath.
"Looks like today is our lucky day. The boss has been wanting your hide ever since he learned you moved to Ponyville. Now that you don't have any of your weapons on you and are surrounded by innocent civilians that could get harmed if you resist, you will be less of a challenge to apprehend," Said the unicorn stallion.
Deadpool reached to his sides for his pistols, but remembered that he indeed did not bring any of his weapons with him.
"Look, fellas, let's be reasonable here. Leave everypony in this diner out of this, and we can take care of our business elsewhere," Said Deadpool.
"That's not how this works, hero. We are going to bring you to the boss, and everypony else in here is leverage. So don't try anything," Said the unicorn stallion.
Listening to the conversation, Twilight Velvet looked like she had enough. She got up from her seat, much to the concern of her family.
"Mom, what are you doing?!" Asked Twilight in panic.
"It's called doing the right thing, Twilight." Twilight Velvet forced herself in between Deadpool and the unicorn stallion. Even though he was taller and bulkier than her, she was unfazed. "Now listen here, buster! Nopony messes with my future son-in-law and threatens to harm innocent ponies and gets away with it! I would suggest leaving this establishment before I-"
With a blank expression on his face, the unicorn stallion pulled out a Desert Eagle Mark XIX with his magic and pointed it towards Twilight Velvet. She held her breath in terror, while the rest of the diner patrons screamed or gasped when he revealed the firearm.
"Sit down, sweetheart. I would hate having to ruin that pretty face of yours," Said the stallion coldly.
Twilight Velvet sat down as she was told. As she did so, the rest of the stallions pulled out their own Desert Eagles. They all aimed their guns at Deadpool.
"As you can see, we are not messing around. Just come with us and everything will go smoothly," Said the unicorn stallion.
Deadpool observed his surroundings, trying to come up with a plan to escape his current predicament. He took notice of the many wooden bar stools by the lunch counter. Repressing a smirk, Deadpool held his hooves up.
"Okay, you win. Take me to the Kingpin," Said Deadpool in defeat.
"Wade, don't! We can find a different way to get out of this. I can-"
Before Twilight could finish, Deadpool covered her mouth with a hoof.
"It's okay, Twilight. I got this. Just do me a favor and get your family to safety when everything goes down," Said Deadpool.
"Come on, let's go!"
Deadpool was guided by the Kingpin's men to stand in the middle. Two of the pegasi stood behind him, the earth ponies stood on both of his sides, and the unicorn stallion and remaining pegasus covered the front. They directed him towards the exit. Once they were passing by the lunch counter, Deadpool took action. He tackled the unicorn stallion in front of him, knocking him over. He then grabbed one of the wooden bar stools and swung it towards the pegasi behind him.
WHACK!
He struck both of them in the side of the head, knocking them both out. The force of impact was enough to break the stool in half. The unicorn stallion got up, and he and the rest of his companions aimed their guns at him.
"Fire!" Ordered the unicorn stallion.
All of the stallions fired their weapons at Deadpool, who jumped behind the lunch counter. With their gunfire focused on him, the restaurant patrons took this as their opportunity to escape. They ran out the front door while filling the diner with screams of terror.
"Come on, guys! Let's go!" Ordered Twilight.
"Shouldn't we help Wade?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
"Wade's got this. He deals with situations like this on a regular basis."
With her family close behind her, Twilight led them safely outside. Meanwhile, Deadpool was still using the lunch counter for cover. Suddenly, he heard plates clatter on top of the counter, and he saw one of the earth pony stallions above him with his gun aiming down towards him. Deadpool frantically tried to run away, but his path was blocked by the other earth pony; he was pinned. With enemies approaching from both sides, Deadpool looked for another makeshift weapon. He saw resting on the lunch counter was a cup of coffee.
SPLASH!
"Graghhhhh!"
Deadpool grabbed the cup of coffee and splashed its contents onto the face of the earth pony in front of him. He then grabbed him and slammed his face against the lunch counter, knocking him out cold.
(Ha! We knocked that guy out COLD while his face was burning from hot coffee!)
"I feel really bad for that guy. He's not like Garnet from 'Steven Universe' who can shrug it off with a one liner. I'm sure that burned like a sonuvabitch," Said Deadpool.
BANG! BANG!
Deadpool was shot in the back twice by the stallion behind him. He was unfazed by it, and he grabbed an empty plate from the lunch counter. He smacked the stallion in the face with it, shattering it in half, he then grabbed him by the face, and thrust him towards his knee!
CRACK!
The stallion's jaw broke with an audible crack, and he fell to the floor unconscious.
"Four guys down, two more to go," Said Deadpool.
WHAM!
Deadpool was smacked in the back of the head by the last pegasus stallion, who flew past him.
(Were we just the victims of an Equestrian drive-by?!)
(I think that would involve carts instead of flying pegasus. Also, look out!)
The stallion was flying back towards Deadpool. Before he could react, he was lifted off the ground and slammed into the ceiling. Falling to the floor with a mighty thud, he was then pinned to the floor by his aggressor. The stallion then pulled out his gun and aimed for Deadpool's head.
"Junk shot!"
WHAM!
"Ugh!"
Deadpool drove his hind leg up, hitting the pegasus stallion in the crotch. Dropping his gun in reaction to the pain, Deadpool grabbed it then smacked the stallion in the face with it. Staggering back in pain, he didn't have time to react before Deadpool ran up to him. He jumped up and uppercut him, causing the stallion to get launched up towards the ceiling. His head burst through the ceiling, leaving his body to dangle limply before passing out. With only one last stallion to face, Deadpool turned to face his opponent when he felt his body tense up unwillingly. His body was binded by a green magical aura, which was being created from the unicorn stallion's horn.
SHATTER!
Deadpool was launched out a window, shattering the glass with his body. The unicorn stallion was about to follow after him when he heard a light racket coming from behind the doors leading to the kitchen. Meanwhile, Deadpool landed on the ground outside the diner. Looking up, he saw Twilight, Spike, and their parents running towards him.
"Wade! Are you alright?" Asked Twilight.
"I'm fine. I've had worse landings and plenty of pieces of glass in my body before," Replied Deadpool.
"HELP!"
A feminine voice could be heard from inside the diner, screaming for help. The diner doors burst open, revealing the unicorn stallion. He wasn't alone, however. Locked in his grasp was the waitress, and he had his gun pressed against the side of her head. He guided her down the small flight of stairs that led from the entrance. The entire time, tears were running down the mare's face. Deadpool pointed the gun he stole towards the stallion, but he just used the barrel of his gun to add pressure against the hostage's head.
"Nopony screws with the Kingpin! No less his own enforcers! This mare is gonna die because of you! Don't you even try anything, because I'll just shoot her regardless of what you do! This will only end in her death, and nothing else!" Shouted the stallion.
Twilight brought her mouth and hoof against Deadpool's ear.
"I can pull his gun out with my magic, but I need a diversion to keep him from using his trigger hoof," Whispered Twilight.
"There is a reason why I'm called the master of distractions," Said Deadpool with a smirk.
"Please, don't kill me! I have a family!" Cried the waitress fearfully, tears still trailing down her face.
"This is all your fault, Deadpool! Watch as this mare's life ends before your very eyes!"
Before the stallion could pull the trigger, he heard Deadpool say…
"I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"Oh, yeah?! Why the hell not?!" Asked the stallion.
"You could kill her, that's true. But what is saving your life after she's dead?"
Deadpool carefully set the gun down on the ground, then casually walked towards the stallion and the waitress.
"You think you can kill me?!" Asked the stallion.
"Buddy, you should be asking that question to yourself. I've served in the Equestrian army, underage. I've had a body count before I turned nineteen. I have so much combat experience that I can kill you with just one blow. And with my healing factor, it would be a goddamn miracle if you can kill me. So, have you accepted your fate? Are you ready to die tonight?"
Deadpool stood only a foot away from the stallion and waitress, looking the former directly in the eyes. The stallion felt a new sense of fear from the hero standing in front of him as if this was not a dire situation.
"You could use that gun on her now, but she's the only thing keeping you alive. You could use that gun right now to shoot me in the head and leave me incapacitated long enough for you to get away. Make your call."
For what felt like an eternity, Deadpool, the stallion, and the waitress were waiting for someone to make the next move. After a minute, the stallion fearfully aimed his gun towards Deadpool.
"Now!" Shouted Deadpool.
Before the stallion could react, Twilight used her magic to take his firearm out of his grasp. Without a means to protect himself or harm the waitress, Deadpool lunged towards him.
KA-POW!
With one left hook to the face, the stallion was sent launching back. He landed on the steps of the diner, knocked out cold. With the conflict finally over, Deadpool took a breath before looking down on his beaten foe.
"You know, for a stallion who works for sompony as secretive as Fisk, you are shit at keeping things under wraps."
"Wade!"
Suddenly, Wade saw the entire Sparkle family rush towards him and embrace him in a group hug.
"That was awesome, Wade!" Said Spike excitedly.
"You did great, Wade!" Said Twilight.
"Well, I couldn't have done it without your help. That, and inspiration from [i]'Moon Knight (2014) #5'[/i] for that monologue," Said Deadpool.
"Excuse me." Everyone turned towards the waitress, who was wiping the tears away from her eyes. She looked much better after being saved by Deadpool. "Thank you so much for saving me. I was afraid that I had met my final hour."
"You're welcome. And if it's all the same to you, we would like to take our food to go," Said Deadpool causally.
(We're so fuckin' awesome!)
(Shut up! You're ruining the moment!)
The waitress nodded her head in agreement.
A few minutes later…
After the diner fight, everyone arrived back at the Golden Oak Library. They were excitedly conversing with each other about tonight's events.
"I wish we got to see more of the fight! I could hear Wade and those bad guys go pow! Wham! Ka-Pow!" Said Spike excitedly while imitating fighting moves.
"I personally am glad that we didn't have to see the majority of it. Based on what I heard, there were some moments not for the faint-of-heart," Said Night Light.
"Wade, you were so awesome! I can't believe we got to see you in action!" Said Twilight Velvet.
"(Chuckles nervously) Yeah, me too…" Muttered Wade.
"Are you sure you two are okay?" Asked Twilight.
"I'm still in one piece. What about you, hun?" Asked Night Light.
"I'm fine. I'm just shocked from all of the chaos that occurred tonight," Answered Twilight Velvet.
"Speaking of that, I want to apologize to all of you," Said Wade.
"Apologize for what, Wade?" Asked Twilight.
"For what happened at dinner tonight. I should've just left instead of trying to drag you all out of there with me. If I had just gone on my own, you all would have continued to have your family outing," Said Deadpool.
"Wade, we are family. That includes you, too," Said Twilight.
"And that's another thing. Twilight Velvet, Night Light, I'm sorry that I put both of you and your son and daughter in danger. I'm sorry for ruining your night out with your children. I'm also sorry for what you overheard me say," Said Deadpool apologetically.
"About what?" Asked Night Light.
"About how I could have easily ended that guy's life. That I have experience in that regard. As you could have probably guessed, I made plenty of poor choices in my life. It was actually a poor choice that caused me to look like this." Said Deadpool while gesturing towards his face."
"I, well, let's just say I used to end people like him. I believed for a long time that my actions were justifiable by the fact that the ponies I harmed were the most evil that ponykind had to offer. But I've realized from being with Twilight that by ending a bad pony's life, I in a way ended up becoming them."
"So, when I met Twilight, Spike, and all of their friends in chapter one, I wanted to turn away from that path. I haven't been perfect. I have ended lives on a couple of instances, but for the most part, they were situations where my back was against the wall with no other options. I have spent the past year not only trying to become a better hero but a better stallion. If this changes how you feel towards me, I get it. I just want you to know that I'm trying to become better, so I can be the pony your daughter deserves."
For over a minute, everyone stood in silence in the main library. Night Light and Twilight Velvet passed glances with each other before the former cleared his throat.
"Tell me, Wade, do you regret your past actions?" Asked Night Light.
"Everyday," Answered Wade honestly.
"And tell me, Wade, have you been putting in your best effort to redeem yourself?" Asked Twilight Velvet.
"I have been. But I have had plenty of help and encouragement from Twilight, Spike, and our friends."
Twilight Velvet and Night Light looked at each other then Twilight, who had a nervous look on her face. They looked at Wade, and smiled.
"Well then, there's nothing you have to apologize for," Said Night Light.
"Wait, you're not mad at me? Disappointed? Wish your daughter was dating a doctor?" Asked Wade.
"Oh, Wade, while hearing what you had to say was indeed surprising, I think I can speak for Night Light when I say that we can tell you are honest about changing. And if Twilight was willing to give you a chance when you two first met, then we will too," Said Twilight Velvet while placing a hoof on Wade's shoulder.
Wade looked at Twilight's parents before smiling.
"Thank you. That's all I wanted to come out of this evening."
Wade and Twilight's parents hugged each other. Looking over to the left, Deadpool could see Twilight was wiping happy tears from her eyes.
"Well, I don't know about you all, but I think I've had enough excitement for one night. We should probably get going, Velvet," Said Night Light.
"I agree," Concurred Twilight Velvet.
"Are you sure you want to go, Mom and Dad? You're more than welcome to stay," Said Twilight.
"Thank you, Twilight, but we should go, so we'll be ready for work tomorrow. And tomorrow's bingo night at the local community center! I want to get ready since I will be calling the numbers!" Said Night Light.
"Okay boomer," Said Deadpool.
Spike and Twilight let out surprised gasps after hearing Deadpool's comment. Both Night Light and Deadpool glared at each other.
"... Hahaha!"
Just as quickly as the tension was built up, both stallions laughed.
"I'm going to keep an eye on him, but you've got yourself a keeper, Twilight," Said Night Light.
"Now come give mommy hugs!" Said Twilight Velvet.
Both Twilight and Spike ran up to their mother and hugged her.
"Bye Mom!" Said Twilight and Spike in unison.
"Goodbye sweethearts! And goodbye to you too, Wade! All of you come visit us sometime!"
Both Twilight Velvet and Night Light waved goodbye as they made their way to the door. Night Light was the first to step out, but before Twilight Velvet stepped out, she looked back at Wade.
"Oh, and one more thing, Wade. Welcome to the family," Said Twilight Velvet with a warm smile.
She then stepped outside and shut the door behind her. Shortly after, Deadpool stood up on his hind legs and put his hoof in the air.
"Yes! I have your parents approval! Now if only we can get Shining Armor to jump on the bandwagon," Said Deadpool.
"We still have about an hour before turning in for the night. What do you want to do?" Asked Twilight.
"I don't know about y'all, but I'm gonna have those cherrychangas I haven't gotten to eat yet!" Replied Deadpool while pulling out a paper bag from nowhere.
As fast as lightning, Deadpool raced downstairs with his cherrychangas. Shaking her head with a smile, Twilight followed after him with Spike right behind her.
Fin.
Hope you all enjoyed the latest chapter of "Deadpool: Mercenary of Harmony"! Be sure to stay tuned for the next chapter, because it will serve as the final chapter for the season four arc of the story. Until next time, this has been ThePhantomArchives, and I hope you all have a good day!