With the Crystal Heart destroyed, storm clouds surrounded the Crystal Empire. As they drew closer and closer, the direness of the situation sinked in for the heroes.
"... Well, Shining Armor, Cadance, congratulations on having the baby. I am certain you will be better parents than mine were, especially my father. As much as I would like to stay a little while longer, we all need to head back to Ponyville. Twilight promised me we'd get tacos on the way back to the castle," Said Deadpool.
Before he could get very far, Twilight exasperatedly grabbed her coltfriend by the ear with her magic and pulled him back.
"Ow, ow! Okay, okay!" Said Deadpool painfully.
"So… not only can we not take part in a fabulous ancient ceremony, but we're also about to be frozen solid!" Said Rarity fearfully.
"Without the Crystal Heart's magical protection, the entire empire's about to become a winter wasteland!" Said Twilight.
"So basically Canada," Said Deadpool.
"Huh?" Said Twilight?
"Um, right, pony puns. I said so basically Caneighda. Where I'm from," Said Deadpool.
"Oh," Said Twilight.
"Wait, you're from Caneighda?" Asked Rarity.
"Yeah. I know, I'm the least Caneighdian pony ever. Jokes aside, even though the winters are cold as heck, the summers can actually be-"
"As much as I like learning about other nations as the next guy, we should be focusing on the snowstorm that's coming this way," Said Shining Armor.
"What about when King Sombra ruled the Crystal Empire and the Crystal Heart was missin'? The empire wasn't covered in snow then!" Said Applejack.
"The Heart wasn't missing. It was still in the castle. King Sombra had just hidden it," Explained Twilight.
"I'm afraid Twilight is correct, and the storm clouds are already forming," Said Celestia.
ZAP!
The storm clouds were intensifying. Lightning struck every few seconds, illuminating the winter sky with white light.
"I can totally fly up there and bust those puppies! No problem!" Said Rainbow Dash confidentially.
Rainbow Dash was about to fly towards the storm clouds, but then Princess Celestia shut the curtain before she could go anywhere.
"I wouldn't advise it, Rainbow Dash. Those storm clouds are not like the ones you know," Warned Celestia.
"This far north, the weather has a will of its own, and now it will only grow stronger, enveloping everything in its path," Explained Luna.
"Including the Crystal Empire!" Added Cadance.
"And us along with it!" Added Twilight.
"Not on my watch!"
Deadpool marched towards the curtains while rolling up his sleeves. Before he could get anywhere, Applejack stepped in front of him, blocking his path.
"Where do ya think you're going?" Asked Applejack.
"I cannot freeze to death, so I will go deal with the storm myself," Answered Deadpool.
"You can't fight a storm with your bare hooves and some guns!" Said Rainbow.
"Is that a challenge?" Asked Deadpool.
"Honestly, sis, what do you see in him?" Asked Shining.
"Believe me, I did not go out with him because of his intellectual prowess," Deadpanned Twilight.
"I heard that!"
Meanwhile, Sunburst, Starlight, and Spike were all in the former's study. The room had shelves full of books, bottles for potion brewing, and a model of the solar system. Spike was still looking through Twilight's list.
"There's gotta be somethin'..." Said Spike despairingly.
"I know Princess Twilight is keen on the two of us rekindling our friendship, but… it's been so long. I don't see how anything on that list is going to help," Said Sunburst.
"I know, right? It's not like there's some spell that would magically compel us to pick up where we left off," Said Starlight.
"Well, actually, there's several." Sunburst used his magic to grab three spell books from the bookshelf next to him. "Mistmane's Material Amity, Rockhoof's Rapport, Flash Prance's Fellow… ship… Ahem. But I-I get the feeling the princess isn't looking for a spell."
"Definitely not," Said Starlight with a chuckle.
"Got it!"
Looking over towards Spike, the two ponies saw that the list he was reading was wrapped around his body. Based on his smile, he seemed to have found something in the list that could help them.
"'And if all else fails, ask them to share an embarrassing moment from their past, maybe even something they regret!'" Read Spike.
Sunburst and Starlight looked at each other, both of them bearing worried looks.
"Uh, I don't see how that would help," Said Sunburst nervously.
"Uh, yeah! We should get out of your mane." Starlight grabbed Spike with her magic, then made her way towards the front door. "It's pretty obvious this isn't going how Twilight hoped, and I'm sure you have plenty of important work to do…"
"What? Oh! Right, yes, heh-heh! Uh, no rest for the wizardly," Said Sunburst.
"Come on, Spike," Said Starlight.
As Starlight carried Spike with her out the front door, he groaned out of annoyance. Meanwhile, the storm clouds continued to creep towards the empire. A chilly breeze seeped through the curtains in front of the castle's entrance, causing everyone to shiver. Deadpool pulled a red-and-black checkered scarf out of his left sleeve, then wrapped it around his neck.
"There must be a magic spell that can restore the Crystal Heart!" Said Twilight.
"Perhaps," Said Celestia while raising a hoof to her chin.
"But it isn't something that either of us know," Added Luna.
"The library here at the castle is nearly as extensive as the one in Canterlot. There's a good chance we can find something there!" Said Cadance while handing her baby to Shining Armor.
"Can you hold off the storm?" Asked Twilight to Celestia and Luna.
"Yes, for a time, but even our magic will eventually succumb to the power of the Frozen North," Answered Luna.
(Ha! She said "suc-cumb"!)
Deadpool snorted out of amusement, which got him a couple confused glances from Fluttershy and Rarity. Preparing to face the storm, Celestia and Luna flew up into the air.
"We will do what we can, but you must hurry," Said Celestia.
At breakneck speed, Celestia and her younger sister flew towards the storm clouds. Once they got to the edge of the storm, they fired beams of magic at the enormous clouds, causing parts of them to dissipate. As they attempted to keep the storm at bay, Twilight and the others watched from the ground. The Princess of Friendship then turned to face three of her friends - Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash.
"I don't know how long it will take to find the right spell, but you should probably tell the crowd outside to get somewhere warm!" Said Twilight to her friends.
"And try not to mention the Crystal Heart. We don't want to start a panic," Added Cadance.
"Yes, ma'am! C'mon, girls!" Said Applejack.
Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash made their way to where the Crystal Empire's inhabitants were gathering to observe the Crystalling.
"With all due respect, Cadance, when we tried to hide the fact that the Crystal Heart was missing, everyone found out," Said Deadpool.
(To be fair, they may have not found out if Pinkie didn't accidentally tumble onto the fake Heart.)
"Touché. Regardless, how can you be sure they won't find out that it's destroyed?" Asked Deadpool.
"I can't be certain, but if you and the rest of Twilight's friends help us find a spell, we may be able to repair the Heart before the Crystal Ponies find out," Answered Cadance.
Twilight nodded in agreement.
"I'm gonna need all of your help. The crystal library is enormous!" Said Twilight.
"You can count on us, Twily!" Said Shining Armor.
Seeing Deadpool towards her left, Shining Armor and Cadance's baby giggled while trying to reach towards him.
POP!
Suddenly, the baby disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Before her father could fully panic from his daughter suddenly disappearing, the baby reappeared on Deadpool's face, having seemingly teleported onto it.
"Ahhhhh! Facehugger!" Cried Deadpool in panic.
Our of panic, Deadpool pried the baby off of his face and chucked it. Cadance shrieked as Shining Armor dived to save their child.
POP!
Just before he could catch her, the baby teleported again. This time, she didn't reappear.
"Where'd she go?!" Asked Shining Armor in panic.
As he looked for where the baby went, he locked eyes with Deadpool. Even though he was wearing a mask, it was evident he was terrified. As he raised a hoof, Shining Armor ragefully leapt towards him, and grabbed him in a chokehold.
"WHY DID YOU THROW HER?! ARE YOU DUMB?!" Asked Shining furiously.
"Gugh! To be fair, I, ugh, didn't graduate high school. But I, gugh, panicked, and thought she was an… an alien!" Said Deadpool while being asphyxiated.
"How could you possibly think that?! It was obviously the baby!" Said Shining.
"I would like to, gugh, see how you would react to something latching onto your face out of nowhere!" Said Deadpool irritatedly.
"Shining Armor, killing my coltfriend isn't going to help find the baby!" Reasoned Twilight.
Shining Armor thought about what his sister told him, then he reluctantly let go of Deadpool. The former merc fell onto his hocks, holding a hoof up to his throat while he caught his breath.
"Thanks, Twi," Said Deadpool graciously.
"And you! If Cadance and Shining Armor go to parenting classes, I'm sending you with them!" Said Twilight sternly.
"Fine! They teach you to don't shake the baby, so I'm sure there is a lesson about don't yeet the baby, too," Said Deadpool in defeat.
Suddenly, everyone heard giggling. They immediately recognized it as belonging to the baby. Listening carefully, Cadance heard the giggling coming from inside the castle.
"This way!" Said Cadance.
Determined to find her baby, Cadance galloped inside. The rest of the group then followed suit. Meanwhile, Starlight and Spike were walking down a path leading towards the Crystal Castle. They seemed to be oblivious to the storm clouds behind them.
"Well, Spike, looks like my biggest fears came true. I wouldn't be surprised if Twilight decides to give up on me entirely," Said Starlight depressingly.
"Aw, it's not your fault. I'm the one who said all we needed was this list," Said Spike.
Spike used his magical dragon fire to send Twilight's list to a different location.
"It's not the list, Spike. Or you. Or Twilight. I'm the one Sunburst doesn't want to be friends with," Lamented Starlight.
"I don't remember him saying he didn't want to be friends," Said Spike.
"He didn't have to say it," Said Starlight depressingly.
Stopping in the middle of the path, Starlight thought about how she believed she wasn't anypony worth being friends with. Seeing her sadness, Spike stood in front of her.
"Well, Twilight obviously thinks you're worth being friends with! And I do, too!"
Spike hugged Starlight. Momentarily surprised by the gesture, she quickly smiled.
"Thanks, Spike. At least I have two friends, even if one of them has dragon breath," Said Starlight with a wry wink.
Thinking about her wry comment, Spike puffed up some smoke. The smoke quickly disappeared, and he felt that the air was cold.
"Uh, that's not dragon breath. It's freezing!" Said Spike.
Looking around them, they noticed that it was snowing all around them.
"Oh, you're right! But I thought the Crystal Heart was supposed to keep the cold weather out," Said Starlight.
"It is… unless something's happened! Come on!" Said Spike urgently.
Worried about the Crystal Heart, Starlight and Spike ran to the Crystal Castle. Meanwhile, in front of the Crystal Castle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were trying to convince the gathered crowd of Crystal Ponies to seek shelter indoors.
"We're just saying that it might not be the best idea to stay outside!" Said Rainbow, having to shout over the howling winds of the snow storm.
"I camped out all night for this spot! I'm not about to just give it up!" Said a mare.
"Still, when you think about it, the view is just as good a little further back, like… inside your house?" Suggested Fluttershy timidly.
"The Crystalling ceremony is one of our most sacred traditions! And when that foal is held before the Crystal Heart, I plan to be as close to the action as possible!" Said a stallion.
"Honestly, I don't know if there's gonna be a Crystallin'. The truth is, the baby's an alicorn and her magic's plum crazy, so you might not wanna be that close after all," Explained Applejack.
"A baby alicorn? Wow, I can't wait to see that!" Said a mare enthusiastically.
"Oh, those little wings are probably so cute!" Said a stallion.
"I know, right?" Said another stallion.
"Look, I am a hundred percent sure the Crystalling isn't happening," Assured Rainbow.
BOOM!
Suddenly, a beam of yellow magic burst through one of the walls of the Crystal Castle. This was then followed by several more beams of magic.
"No Crystalling, huh? Then why are they starting the fireworks show?" Asked a stallion.
As the crowd cheered in excitement, Rainbow Dash hoof palmed her face, then covered her eyes and laid down on the ground in defeat. Meanwhile, in the castle's library, Twilight and Cadance were looking for a spell book that could help them repair the Crystal Heart. Shining Armor, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Deadpool were trying to catch the baby, who was flying around the library shooting beams of magic everywhere.
"Young filly come back here!" Said Shining sternly while chasing after his daughter.
As the baby turned a corner to evade her father, Pinkie chased after her in her usual hopping gait.
"Come to your Auntie Pinkie Pie!" Said Pinkie.
Meanwhile, Twilight was looking through a stack of books as the baby and Pinkie passed by her.
"'Bridle Buck's Boat Chants', 'Hayhoof's Intonements', 'Mystic Maps and Mazes'…"
Unsuccessful in finding a book that could help repair the Crystal Heart, Twilight groaned in frustration.
"Anything up there?" Asked Twilight to Cadance.
"Not yet! I'm not even sure how these are organized!" Said Cadance.
POP!
As Cadance was grabbing books from one of the library's large bookshelves, the baby teleported onto a shelf. She went to grab her baby, dropping the books in her arms onto the floor.
ACHOO!
VROOM!
Before Cadance could grab her, the baby sneezed, creating a beam of magic that destroyed most of the shelf.
POP!
Nearly dodging the incidental attack, Cadance tried to grab the baby again, but she teleported away. The baby reappeared near Twilight and repeatedly flew around the desk she was sitting at. Shining Armor then appeared and attempted to catch her.
"Shining Armor, I thought you were taking care of the baby," Said Cadance.
"I'm trying!" Said Shining.
Shining Armor followed after the baby past some bookshelves. The baby teleported away to avoid him. As she squealed in glee, Deadpool jumped out in front of her with a butterfly net.
"Got ya, you little-"
POP!
As Deadpool tried to catch her in the butterfly net, the baby teleported behind him and continued to fly away.
"Gosh darn it," Muttered Deadpool.
The doors to the library opened up, revealing Spike and Starlight on the other side. They were shocked by the chaos before them. They saw Pinkie chasing after the baby, the latter of which fired a beam of magic that singed the front of Shining Armor's mane. Cadance was using her magic to continuously give Twilight books to read, and Deadpool crouched behind a bookshelf with his butterfly net, ready to swing.
"What is going on here?!" Asked Starlight in surprise.
"Do you want the long story with Deadpool commentary or the short story with Deadpool commentary?" Asked Deadpool.
"Is there a short version with no Deadpool commentary?" Asked Starlight.
"What do you think?" Questioned Deadpool rhetorically.
"(Sigh) Give me the short story with Deadpool commentary," Said Starlight reluctantly.
"The baby's an alicorn and she accidentally destroyed the Crystal Heart with a wail on par to Black Bolt's voice. So, Twilight and Cadance are looking for a spell or artifact like the Mending Charm to put it back together and save the Crystal Empire from turning into Arendelle during the first "Frozen" movie," Said Deadpool quickly.
"Oh," Muttered Starlight.
Deadpool heard giggling coming from the opposite side of the bookshelf he was hiding behind. Knowing the baby was coming towards him, he leapt out with his butterfly net. The baby dodged the net, causing Deadpool to accidentally snag Shining Armor's head. Shining Armor glared at Deadpool.
"Okay, I've done things to irritate you, but this was an accident," Said Deadpool defensively.
Combing through the shelf, Cadance stopped with a gasp when she caught sight of a black covered book with golden engravings and a lock.
"What about this? 'Trotter's Tome of Reliquary'?"
Cadance flew over to Twilight and gave her the book. Thankfully, the book opened in spite of having a lock on it. Twilight flipped through the pages until she spotted a particular spell.
"I think this is it!" Said Twilight excitedly while turning the book towards Cadance.
"'Spell of Relic Reconstruction'!" Read Cadance. "I can't believe we found it!"
"It's a good thing, too! Without this, I don't know what we'd do!" Said Twilight.
POP!
Suddenly, the baby teleported onto the desk, causing some books to fall over. The baby flew away, and Pinkie followed behind her, leaping over the table. She managed to pin the baby down to the floor.
VWOOM!
As soon as Pinkie picked her up, the baby fired a beam of magic powerful enough to launch her and Pinkie backwards. Heading towards her, Rarity used a hand mirror to protect her. Somehow, the beam of magic deflected off of the mirror and headed towards Shining Armor. He summoned a shield to deflect the beam of magic. This time heading towards Starlight and Spike, the former summoned a force field to deflect it. The beam then headed towards Deadpool. Not having any means of protecting himself, the beam of magic blasted a hole through his right shoulder, then through the spell book Twilight was holding.
"Oops," Said Pinkie.
As Twilight and Cadance gasped in horror, Deadpool was writhing on the ground in pain.
"FUDGE!" Cried Deadpool in pain.
(Fudge?)
"The baby's present. I shouldn't swear around her," Said Deadpool while gritting his teeth.
(We say profanities in front of Spike, but apparently we draw the line at babies who can't even remember what they had for breakfast?)
(Spike is old enough to know not to repeat those words unless he wants Twilight to beat his ass.)
(Well, fuck that! There's a hole about the size of an apple in your shoulder. This is a reasonable time to be swearing.)
"That spell was the only thing we found in the whole library that was even close to what we needed!" Said Twilight in distress.
"I'm so sorry, Twilight!" Apologized Starlight.
"Hey! I think there's somepony else who you owe an apology!" Said Deadpool irritatedly while pointing to his regenerating shoulder.
"Oh, right. Sorry, Deadpool," Apologized Starlight sheepishly.
"It's not your fault, Starlight. None of us were expecting any of this," Said Twilight.
"Do you think you can remember the spell?" Asked Cadance.
"I only read it through once!" Said Twilight.
"Well, if anypony can exactly remember something she read for the first time two minutes ago, it's you, Twilight," Said Rarity confidentiality.
"I'll try. But I'm not sure how long it'll take," Said Twilight.
Twilight felt a cold breeze brush by her neck. Looking up, she saw that the cold winter air was getting through a hole in the wall accidentally created by the baby. She could also see that the snow storm outside was getting even worse.
"Is quickly an option?" Asked Pinkie concerningly.
"And preferably within the next ten pages of the Google Doc this story is written on," Added Deadpool.
"I'll help if I can, but we should evacuate the city just in case! You need to lead everypony to the train station before the tracks freeze over!" Said Cadance to Shining Armor while grabbing the baby with her magic.
"We will. But between you and Twilight, I'm sure you'll remember the spell," Said Shining Armor confidentiality.
"Yeah, crowd control!" Said Deadpool.
Deadpool eagerly ran out of the library. Both Shining Armor and Cadance were greatly concerned.
"And make sure he doesn't do anything rash," Said Cadance.
"Yes, mam," Said Shining Armor exasperatedly.
Shining Armor ran out of the library, with Pinkie Pie and Rarity following behind him.
"I only hope this spell is the one we need," Said Twilight.
Twilight summoned a quill and some scroll paper, and began writing down the spell.
"Is there anything I can do?" Asked Starlight.
"I don't think so. I'm just sorry about your lesson," Said Twilight sincerely.
"Oh, that doesn't matter now. Sunburst and I don't have anything in common anyway. He's a big important wizard! And I'm re-learning everything I ever thought I knew," Said Starlight glumly.
"Sunburst? I don't recognize the name, but if he's an important wizard, you should bring him here. Maybe he'll know what to do if the spell fails," Said Cadance.
"(Gasp) Of course!" Said Starlight.
Starlight ran out of the library, making her way to Sunburst's place.
"You better go with her, Spike," Said Twilight.
Nodding his head in reply, Spike followed after Starlight.
CRACK!
Hearing thunder, Twilight and Cadance looked up towards a skylight. They saw Princesses Celestia and Luna continuing to hold back the snow storm.
CRACK!
A bolt of lightning flashed across the sky. After it disappeared, the princesses were no longer visible. The entire patch of sky was replaced with storm clouds.
A few minutes later…
After running from the Crystal Castle, Starlight Glimmer and Spike arrived back at Sunburst's house. They both quickly ran inside, some snow blowing inside. The both swiftly shut the door, the frosty gale from the snowstorm causing some minor resistance.
"Sunburst!" Said Starlight.
She found Sunburst was carrying three books with his magic. Sunburst looked behind him and was surprised upon seeing her and Spike.
"Haven't you looked outside?!" Asked Starlight.
Sunburst looked out of one of his windows. He saw the snow blowing in the wind and the storm clouds blocking out the sun.
"Snow? That's… not right," Said Sunburst. "The Crystal Heart-"
"Is gone! The baby - Shining Armor and Cadance's baby - it's an alicorn!" Said Starlight.
Sunburst's glasses slid down his nose while he looked at Starlight in disbelief. His disbelief was quickly replaced with excitement that the Crystal Empire's new heir was also Equestria's first newborn alicorn.
"Really?"Asked Sunburst while pushing up his glasses.
"Really! And her magic is a little berserk, and well, I guess she destroyed the Heart! But Twilight thinks she can fix it and Princess Cadance thought you could help!" Said Starlight.
"Me?" Questioned Sunburst.
"Of course! You're an important wizard in the Crystal Empire! It just makes sense!" Said Starlight.
Sunburst nervously backed away from Starlight, accidentally bumping into a bookshelf.
"Right… right… right right right." Sunburst faced the bookshelf, then began to reorganize the books contained on it. " You know, I'd like to help, I-I really would. I-I just have so much, um, important wizard work to do around here," Said Sunburst nervously.
"Huh?!" Muttered Starlight and Spike in unison.
Meanwhile, back at the palace, the crowd that was outside awaiting the Crystalling were still refusing to move.
"You can't stay here!" Said Applejack, shouting over the howling wind.
"Did I mention this was a royal Crystalling? When the crystaller holds the young one aloft, all of the Empire will share their joy and light, and the Crystal Heart will beat stronger than it ever has before!" Said a stallion.
"It really is a moving ceremony!" Added another stallion.
"I really don't think it's going to happen," Said Fluttershy.
"Come on, it's freezing out here!" Said Rainbow, her body shivering from the ever decreasing temperature.
"Uh, this is the Crystal Empire. We've seen snow before," Argued a mare.
"Not like this."
Deadpool appeared and stepped onto the stage. His presence confused his friends and the crowd of Crystal Ponies.
"Hey, looks like they brought out a clown to entertain us," Said a stallion.
Being mistaken for a clown greatly irritated Deadpool. His mask furrowed around where his non-existent eyebrows would be.
"Okay, listen up, citizens of the Crystal Empire! The Crystal Heart has been shattered!" Said Deadpool.
GASP!
Hearing the news of the Crystal Heart having been destroyed, the crowd gasped in shock. Whispers of confusion and fear followed afterwards.
"As a result, a snow storm even bigger than The Great Blizzard is burying the entire empire in snow! In response, her highness Princess Cadance has decided to evacuate the entire kingdom! Make your way to the train station immediately!" Ordered Deadpool.
Responding quickly, many of the Crystal Ponies rushed to the Crystal Empire's train station. However, a small group still remained in their seats.
"What are you all waiting for? Go!" Said Deadpool.
"I can tolerate the other three trying to tell us what to do, but you have no authority. You're not a member of the royal guard or the royal family," Said a mare irritatedly.
(Not yet! It's only a matter of time!)
(And when that time comes, Shining Armor will hang himself.)
"So, with that being said, why should we listen to you?" Asked the mare.
"..."
Glaring at the mare sitting towards the front of the small crowd, Deadpool pulled an ArmaLite AR-18 out of nowhere and aimed it towards the sky.
BANG BANG BANG!
AHHH!
Firing a magazine's worth of ammunition into the air, Deadpool scared off the remaining crowd. They all ran towards the train station as they were told too.
"It's not safe here!" Cried a stallion.
"That's what my friends have been trying to tell you!" Shouted Deadpool irritatedly.
Shining Armor, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity just arrived, but realized they were too late. They saw Deadpool with his gun, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy looking at him out of shock and fear, and the vacant seating area. Deadpool nonchalantly held his rifle over his right shoulder and walked over to Shining Armor.
"There, problem solved," Said Deadpool while patting Shining Armor's right shoulder.
Satisfied with himself, Deadpool made his way back inside the castle.
"Did anypony get hurt?" Asked Shining Armor.
"No," Answered Applejack.
"Good. I'm still gonna hurt him, though," Said Shining Armor under his breath.
Meanwhile, at Sunburst's home, Starlight was dumbfounded by Sunburst's excuse to not help repair the Crystal Heart.
"Sunburst, I know you're busy, but did you hear what I said?" Asked Starlight.
"Oh, I heard you, but-but like I said, when you're an important wizard, the work just piles up," Said Sunburst while stacking some books.
It was obvious that Sunburst was nervous, evidenced by his slight stuttering and his back facing towards Starlight.
"Sunburst!" Shouted Starlight irritatedly.
Sunburst jumped when his old friend shouted at him. Sighing, he removed his glasses with his magic, and used a cleaning cloth to wipe the lenses.
"Look, Starlight, I want to help. I do. But I can't. I wish I could," Said Sunburst.
"What do you mean?!" Asked Starlight while placing a hoof on Sunburst's left shoulder.
"Fixing an ancient relic? I-I can't even come close to doing something like that!" Said Sunburst.
"But I thought you were an important wizard!" Said Starlight in disbelief.
"Well, you were wrong, okay?! I'm not an important wizard! I'm not even a wizard at all!" Admitted Sunburst tearfully.
Upon hearing Sunburst's confession, Starlight bit her bottom lip while Spike covered his mouth. Both actions were a result of the shock of the revelation. Sunburst walked over to the small table and sat down.
"I know it's hard for you to understand, but not all of us end up achieving greatness," Said Sunburst glumly.
Starlight walked over and sat in the stool on the opposite side of the table.
"What? Why wouldn't I understand that?" Asked Starlight.
"Really? You're the protégé of the Princess of Friendship! I don't think she picks just anypony for that!" Said Sunburst with slight envy.
"Technically, she's more of a student than a protégé," Said Spike wryly.
Starlight glared at Spike out of annoyance. He nervously backed away in order to potentially avoid her wrath.
"Whatever. I'm sorry I'm not the big important wizard you were expecting," Said Sunburst sincerely.
"Sunburst, I don't care if you're a wizard or not. I'm just surprised. You always knew so much about magic. I mean, look at all these books!" Said Starlight while gesturing towards the many spell books Sunburst owned.
"Yeah, well, reading about magic is one thing, but you don't know what it was like at magic school! To know so much and not be able to do any of it!" Said Sunburst while slamming his hoof on the table in frustration.
Hearing Sunburst admitting he didn't graduate from magic school and lamenting over it, Starlight finally decided to tell the truth about her own past.
"Well, you don't know what it was like to be left behind! And then getting so bitter that you steal the cutie marks from an entire village, and then get defeated by Twilight and her friends, so you travel through time to get back at them, but they beat you again and teach you about friendship, but you're so terrified ponies will find out what you did that you can't make friends!" Said Starlight tearfully.
As Starlight wiped the tears in her eyes, Sunburst looked at her in disbelief. His glasses slid down his face. Pushing his glasses up, he came up with a response to everything he had just been told.
"Did you really travel through time?" Asked Sunburst.
"See? I told you he'd be impressed," Said Spike while nudging Starlight's side.
Smiling sheepishly, Starlight got up from her seat. Sunburst did the same.
"I'm sorry we lost touch," Said Sunburst sincerely. "Maybe if I had reached out, you could have helped me at magic school, and I could have helped you to…"
"Not become totally evil? (Sigh) Let's just say I know what it's like to have something you're not exactly proud of," Said Starlight shamefully.
"When you showed up thinking I was some big wizard… I'm sorry. I should have told the truth," Admitted Sunburst.
"It's fine," Assured Starlight while placing a hoof on Sunburst's shoulder. "At least we worked it all out. I think Twilight would be proud of us."
"Well, if you ever want to tell her about it, we should probably leave now!" Said Spike while looking out a window.
The snowstorm outside was still burying the Crystal Empire in the dreaded snow. Remembering what was going on, Starlight gasped. Unprompted, she gently shoved Sunburst towards the door.
"I forgot to tell you! They're evacuating the city! You need to get to the train station, unless you've got a spell here that will drive back the Frozen North and fix the Crystal Heart, so the baby can have her Crystalling?" Said Starlight.
Placing a hoof on his hairy chin, Sunburst thought about if he had something that could help. He then thought about something that Starlight had just said.
"Crystalling…! Of course!" Cried Sunburst in a moment of revelation.
Sunburst slipped out of his friend's grasp, and ran over to a bookshelf. He grabbed five different books, and began to read through them as Starlight and Spike watched out of curiosity. Meanwhile, Princesses Celestia and Luna were still attempting to keep the winter storm at bay. The frigid temperatures were slowly overwhelming them. Snow was weighing them down, and ice was encasing their horns and extremities.
"Push them back, my sister!" Said Celestia.
Down on ground level, the snow nearly buried the majority of the Crystal Ponies' homes. Shining Armor, Applejack, and Fluttershy were leading a large group of Crystal Ponies towards the train station.
"This way!" Said Shining Armor.
While the three ponies were escorting the Crystal Empire's residents, Rainbow Dash was flying through the storm clouds, destroying them in order to keep snow from falling onto the group of ponies below. However, just like with the two princesses, snow and ice on her body were inhibiting her ability to fly.
"Ugh!" Cried Rainbow.
Tired from flying while her body was freezing, Rainbow Dash landed and led the front of the group with her friends.
"Just a little bit further, y'all! The station's just ahead!" Said Applejack encouragingly.
Just ahead of them, the group saw three silhouettes. Once they got close enough, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Shining Armor saw it was Starlight Glimmer, Spike, and Sunburst. The whole group stopped in their tracks in order to avoid running into them. Seeing what was going on below, the two princesses flew down to join them.
"We have to go back!" Said Starlight, shouting over the howling winds.
"I know how to stop this!" Said Sunburst.
Princesses Luna and Celestia passed inquisitive looks to each other, curious by Sunburst's claim. Meanwhile, in front of the Crystal Castle, Twilight, Cadance, and Deadpool were hanging around the pillar that normally contained the Crystal Heart. The shattered shards of the Heart were still around the base of the pillar. Twilight was still writing out the spell on her piece of scroll paper. Cadance was pacing back and forth, and Deadpool was holding the baby. Twilight momentarily stopped writing, and showed what she had written to Cadance.
"Uh, I think that's everything?" Said Twilight uncertainly.
Cadance grabbed the scroll with her magic, and read it for herself.
"It looks right to me, but there's only one way to find out!" Said Cadance.
"Huh. Well, what do ya know! Twilight did finish the spell before the twenty-third page! You get to live today, author," Said Deadpool.
Uh… Thanks…?
Looking at the spell one last time, Twilight lit her horn up. She then cast the spell on the remains of the Crystal Heart. The shards flew up into the air, forming a crude shape of a heart. Princess Cadance then cast the spell as well, causing the shards to come together. When both alicorns were finished casting the spell, they saw that the Crystal Heart had reformed. It was nearly perfect, still retaining some cracks. Twilight and Cadance were beaming with happiness, delighted that they had successfully repaired the heart.
SHATTER!
Suddenly, the Crystal Heart shattered apart, each shard landing exactly where they were before. Seeing that the spell did not work, both princesses gritted their teeth and held their hooves up to their chin in disquietude.
"Well, that didn't work. You know what that means, author?" Asked Deadpool sinisterly.
Shit! I need to leave the States!
(Nah. Just go to Jersey. We won't go anywhere near there.)
(Or try to find a way to live at an airport. We're on the no fly list.)
"Don't help him!" Said Deadpool to the voices irritatedly.
"The spell failed. I don't know what else to do," Said Twilight dishearteningly, her head hanging low.
Seeing his marefriend saddened, Deadpool walked over to her while carefully holding the baby in his right foreleg.
"Surely there's something that can be done. That's how these stories usually go. Are you sure that the spell wasn't written incorrectly?" Asked Deadpool.
"If I had miswrote that spell by so much as a single letter, then it wouldn't have done anything," Answered Twilight glumly.
"Uh, this may be a stupid question, but could we glue the Crystal Heart back together?" Asked Deadpool.
"I appreciate your ideas, Wade, regardless of how silly they may sound. But I don't think there's anything else that can be done. We're going to have to accept that the Crystal Empire is going to be lost to the snow and ice, and we'll have to relocate everyone to new homes," Said Twilight glumly, her head hanging low.
"An old student of mine believes he has the solution you need."
Hearing her former mentor's regal voice, Twilight looked up. She saw Princesses Celestia and Luna, her friends, and her brothers coming towards her. Leading the group of familiar faces were Starlight Glimmer and-
"Wait a second. Isn't that the larper you had me track down, Twilight?" Asked Deadpool.
Twilight hastily covered her coltfriend's mouth with her hoof, chuckling sheepishly. Upon seeing the shattered remains of the Crystal Heart, Sunburst walked over and examined them.
"The baby did this?" Asked Sunburst in disbelief.
Twilight used her magic to grab the scroll she wrote the spell on, and gave it to Sunburst.
"I tried putting it back together with-"
"The spell of Relic Reconstitution. No, that won't do it," Said Sunburst.
Rolling up the scroll, Sunburst pulled out a spell book from a saddlebag he was carrying. He then passed it to Twilight.
"The Crystal Heart's been around for a millennia. Restoring a relic like this is way beyond one spell. You need to combine it with something else. Something unique to the relic itself. Something that strengthens it and provides it with power…?" Said Sunburst guidingly.
After examining the spell book, Twilight realized what he was inferring.
"The Crystalling!" Said Twilight joyfully.
"Combining that spell with the light and love of everypony gathered for the ceremony, together with… Somnambula's Weather Abjuration to clear away the snow… and a little Fledging's Forbearance for the parents… That should curb the little one's power fluctuations," Said Sunburst.
Sunburst gave Starlight a spell book containing Somnambula's Weather Abjuration spell, and Shining Armor and Cadance a scroll containing Fledging's Forbearance spell. His presence caused the baby to giggle and teleport over to him to boop him on the snout. Cadance then grabbed her.
(Welp, I guess we're no longer the favorite.)
(After this is over, we separate him from the group, kill him, then dump his body a couple miles away from the Empire! Nobody will ever find his cold, lifeless body out in the Frozen North, because nopony will even try to search for him out there…!)
"Good plan…" Whispered Deadpool to himself.
"You must be Sunburst. Starlight said you were a powerful wizard," Said Cadance.
"Oh, I'm no wizard," Corrected Sunburst.
Everyone other than Starlight, Spike, and Princesses Celestia and Luna were stunned by the revelation, with Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity gasping as a result. Starlight was quick to defend her friend.
"But he studied magic his whole life! You should see his house! And since nopony has any better ideas, what do we have to lose?!" Asked Starlight nervously.
"The Crystal Empire, our extremities, your lives, my lunch," Answered Deadpool.
"Okay, I get it!" Said Starlight annoyedly.
Looking to his wife, Shining Armor passed the scroll to Cadance, and received the baby in return. He then turned to face Sunburst.
"I had planned on asking Twilight to be our crystaller, but since it seems like she'll be busy…"
To convey what he wanted to ask, Shining Armor gave the baby to Sunburst. As soon as she ended up in his left foreleg, she happily prodded his face. Now knowing what he was asking, Sunburst smiled gratefully towards the Prince.
"I'd be honored!" Said Sunburst.
"Aw man! Typical that after I told everypony to evacuate the Empire, we're now rehosting the Crystalling! And this is ignoring the fact that I wasn't asked to be the crystaller," Complained Deadpool.
"Speaking of."
WHACK!
Shining Armor walked over to Deadpool and smacked him in the back of the head.
"Do you have any idea how incredibly stupid, irresponsible, and dangerous it was to use your guns to disperse the crowd?!" Asked Shining Armor sternly.
"Oh, please. I only did that to get the snobs who wouldn't budge to move along. Besides, I shot my round harmlessly into the air," Said Deadpool while rotating and pointing his hoof upwards for emphasis.
SCHLORT!
As if on cue, a singular bullet that Deadpool fired earlier fell from the sky. Deadpool was in the bullet's path. It entered through the top of his head, passed through his brain and skull, and exited out of the left side of his neck. Deadpool limply fell onto the ground, blood quickly pooling around him. Shining Armor hastily backed away from the dark red puddle, Sunburst instinctually covered the baby's eyes, and the rest of the group covered their mouths in quiet shock.
"Oh my Celestia! He's dead!" Shouted Sunburst in horror.
"No, he's fine," Said Starlight exasperatedly.
"WHAT?! I may not have a medical degree, but even I know he's not fine!" Said Sunburst.
"Trust me, he is. He has this superpower that makes him nearly impossible to kill. He'll be back up in a couple minutes," Explained Starlight.
"O-Oh. Okay?" Said Sunburst hesitantly.
"Perhaps we should have something to keep us safe during preparations? Just in case any more of Wade's bullets come back down," Said Rarity.
Sighing out of exasperation, Twilight summoned a large force field above the front of the palace.
"Everypony, make all of the necessary preparations for the Crystalling!" Said Twilight. "Applejack, do you mind cleaning up the mess while I help Celestia, Luna, and Starlight prepare the spells?"
"The blood or Wade?" Asked Applejack.
"Yes," Answered Twilight dryly.
A few minutes later…
After making some last minute preparations and Deadpool recovered from his unfortunate accident, the Crystalling was ready to begin. Sure that no more bullets would rain down upon them, Twilight lowered the force field. She then walked over to the pillar that normally contained the Crystal Heart, where Princesses Celestia and Luna, and Starlight Glimmer were waiting. Once she was ready, she began to cast the spell of Relic Reconstitution.
The spell lifted the remains of the Crystal Heart into the center of the pillar, and put the pieces back together. Casting the spell was putting a major strain on Twilight, her body sweating profusely. Celestia and Luna added their own magic into the spell, strengthening the spell itself. Starlight quickly looked at the spell book containing Somnambula's Weather Abjuration spell one last time, then nervously cast it on the Crystal Heart. All four ponies casting their magic on the Crystal Heart were keeping it together, but it was proving to be strenuous on them.
Meanwhile, Twilight's friends, Deadpool, Sunburst, and the royal family stepped onto the stage. The Crystal Empire's inhabitants were eagerly anticipating the Crystalling that was about to unfold. The baby held comfortably in Sunburst's foreleg, Shining Armor and Cadance affectionately kissed her checks. They then pressed the tips of their horns together, casting a spell that caused a yellow glow to form around the baby. She floated in the air, causing her to laugh uncontrollably. Rarity presented the case containing the purity crystals to Sunburst. Grabbing the crystal on the far right, he turned to face the crowd.
"Citizens! May I present the newest member of the Crystal Empire!" Said Sunburst, gesturing towards the baby.
As if on cue, the baby alicorn extended her wings, then the light surrounding her radiated as bright as the sun. Upon finally meeting the baby, the crowd cheered with excitement.
"She's beautiful!" Said a stallion.
"Oh! It's just so moving!" Said another stallion.
Showing their love and respect for the royal baby, the entire crowd bowed before her. The walkway beneath them leading to the entrance of the Crystal Empire radiated in blue light. The light then connected to all of the walkways in the Empire, creating a snowflake symbol when viewed from above. Sunburst placed the purifying crystal onto the walkway, absorbing all of the light into it. He then quickly ran backstage and placed the crystal into the Heart.
The Crystal Heart began to glow, and spin rapidly. The Heart then released a powerful burst of magic, causing the three princesses, Sunburst, and Starlight to gain crystalline coats and manes. The magic spread quickly, causing everyone else to gain crystalline appearances. The magic also melted away the snow, something that everyone cheered for. A beam of rainbow colored light rose from the pillar skywards, piercing through the snow storm. Another burst of magic followed, dispelling the storm clouds that nearly brought an end to the Crystal Empire. Now with the sun beaming its golden light down on her, the baby gently floated back down, embraced by her parents.
"Best Crystalling ever!" Said a pony in the crowd.
With the Crystalling ceremony now over, everyone on stage made their way towards the back. As Twilight made her way towards them, her pupil, Starlight, and Sunburst stayed back and watched from the pillar containing the restored Crystal Heart.
"For a pony who isn't great at magic, you did pretty well," Commended Starlight to Sunburst.
"Indeed."
Hearing the voice of Princess Celestia, both ponies turned to face her.
"I'm glad to see you've found a way to share your unique gift, Sunburst. You may be more of a wizard than you think," Praised Celestia.
Looking at each other, Starlight and Sunburst silently laughed.
Meanwhile, with the rest of the crew, Twilight was speaking with her older brother and sister-in-law, the latter holding her niece.
"Great job, Twily," Praised Shining.
"Thank you for helping us save the Crystal Empire," Said Cadance in gratitude.
"Thank you, but Sunburst is the one who you should really be thanking. He is the one who came up with the idea to go through with the Crystalling, and provided us with the spells we needed," Said Twilight humbly.
"Don't worry. Sunburst will be properly acknowledged for his heroic deeds," Said Cadance.
"Hey, Shining Armor, nice mane style," Said Deadpool.
"Uh, thanks, Wade," Said Shining Armor with a little smile.
"I like ya cut, G!"
SMACK!
Deadpool smacked Shining Armor in the back of the head. The latter retaliated by smacking Deadpool in the back of the head as well. Both stallions quickly ended up in a slap fight.
(You couldn't have just given our future brother-in-law this one compliment? And that meme's gonna be dead by the end of the year!)
(It's gonna be dead by the time this half of the chapter is posted!)
I think the meme was dead at the time I wrote this joke.
Seeing them fighting each other rather childishly, Shining Armor and Deadpool's respective romantic partners smacked themselves in the forehead at the same time. The baby mimicked the mare's actions, lightly smacking her own forehead while smiling radiantly.
Two hours later…
With the Crystalling and the snow storm behind them, the entire group of heroes were at the Crystal Empire train station. Their crystalline appearances had long since faded away. Hearing the familiar sound of a train's whistle, the Friendship Express arrived at the station. The first two ponies to get off of the train were none other than Twilight and Shining Armor's parents, Twilight Velvet and Night Light. Both of them were immediately greeted by their offspring.
"Hi, Mom and Dad!" Greeted Twilight.
"Hello, Twilight, dear!" Greeted Twilight Velvet.
Twilight Velvet embraced her daughter in a hug. Shining Armor and Night Light were going to hug each other, but then awkwardly stopped and ended up shaking hooves.
"Hey there, Twilight Velvet and Night Light!" Greeted Deadpool.
"Oh, hello, Wade!" Greeted Twilight Velvet.
The bubbly mare walked over to Deadpool and embraced him in a hug.
"Hi there, Wade," Greeted Night Light while shaking Wade's right hoof. "Have you been behaving?"
"If by behaving you mean avoiding legal trouble, then yes," Said Deadpool.
(Except for the part where you attempted to smuggle weapons into a baby's nursery, and fired a gun into a crowded area.)
"Shush!" Said Deadpool to the voice in his head.
"Anyway, did you two make it here okay?" Asked Shining concerningly.
"We're both fine. You would not believe the crazy weather that delayed our train, though. Came out of nowhere," Said Night Light.
"But it was all worth it to see this peaceful little angel!" Said Twilight Velvet.
She walked over to Princess Cadance, who was holding the baby.
"Awww, so sweet! Come to your grandmare!" Cooed Twilight Velvet.
Originally resting in her mother's forearm, the baby opened her eyes when she heard her grandmare's voice for the first time. She reached out to her while giggling happily.
"Yeah, peaceful now, anyway," Said Applejack.
"I suppose that spell really did the trick!" Said Twilight.
"Three… two… one…"
As soon as Deadpool counted down to one, the baby was about to sneeze.
"AH!"
"Hit the deck!" Shouted Deadpool.
Deadpool and friends got down on the ground, the former positioning himself facing away from the baby as if she were a live grenade.
"AH-CHOO!"
The baby sneezed, but nothing happened. Realizing that this sneeze was harmless, everyone with the exception of Sunburst, and Twilight and Shining Armor's parents sighed in relief.
"We have Sunburst to thank for that," Said Shining.
"I hope he takes his role as crystaller seriously. Something tells me the baby will need a pony like him to look to for magical advice," Said Cadance.
"Cadance, darling, aren't we gonna name the poor little dear, or are we gonna spend our entire visit just calling her 'the baby'?" Asked Twilight Velvet while holding the baby, who was sucking on her hoof.
"Well, we could name her 'DaBaby'. 'DaBaby Wilson'," Said Deadpool.
"Wade, that is your last name," Deadpanned Twilight.
"Oh, I understand your confusion, my lovely lavender librarian, but her last name is in honor of comic book artist Ron Wilson. The fact that it is my last name is just a happy coincidence," Said Deadpool with a visible smirk under his mask.
While most of Deadpool's friends gave him unamused looks, Twilight Velvet actually laughed at his sly attempt to get the baby named after him. She even snorted a couple of times.
"Actually, we were thinking… 'Flurry Heart'," Said Cadance.
"You know, to remember the occasion," Added Shining.
"Oh, goodness, how could anypony forget?" Asked Rarity rhetorically.
"I think it's lovely," Whispered Twilight to Flurry Heart.
Twilight gave Flurry Heart an affectionate kiss on the cheek. The baby laughed and babbled happily.
"Sure, pony name. Why not?" Mumbled Deadpool.
"Oh, is somepony grumpy that he didn't get his way?" Asked Twilight in a teasing manner.
"No! … Yes," Admitted Deadpool reluctantly, crossing his arms in frustration.
"If somepony can let this one go, we could stop by the taco stand and the ice cream parlor on the way home," Said Twilight persuasively.
Deadpool's ears perked up upon hearing the bribe, and swiftly turned to face his lover.
"Tacos and ice cream?!" Questioned Deadpool in quiet disbelief.
"Yup," Said Twilight with a smile.
"...What was I mad about again? Eh, forget it! It probably wasn't as bad as I thought it was!" Said Deadpool, playing along with the bribe.
Twilight laughed and gave Deadpool a kiss on his masked cheek.
"Night Light, look! They are so adorable! I can't believe I forgot my camera at home!" Said Twilight Velvet in frustration.
"Uh…" Muttered Night Light.
"Oh, that reminds me!"
Passing Flurry Heart back to Cadance, Twilight Velvet walked over to her daughter.
"So, Twilight, when are you and Wade gonna contribute to the grandfoal fund?" Asked Twilight Velvet bluntly.
Upon hearing her mother's question, Twilight's face turned beet red from embarrassment.
"Mom! Don't ask that in front of my friends! Wade and I aren't even anywhere near that point in our relationship yet!" Whined Twilight.
With the exception of Fluttershy, Twilight's closest friends laughed at her expense. Deadpool slightly tugged on his mask, then became woozy.
"I think that bullet wound didn't heal properly, because I…"
THUMP!
His body reacting poorly to Twilight Velvet's question, Deadpool fell forwards, losing consciousness.
"Oh, great, you broke Wade. Thanks a lot, Mom! He didn't even come with the warranty when I got him," Deadpanned Twilight.
While Twilight was attempting to wake Wade up, Shining Armor had a horrified look on his face. Cadance was quick to notice.
"You okay, Shining?" Asked Cadance.
"No. I just realized that my niece or nephew is going to be half Wade."
A few minutes later…
As everyone was getting on the train, Starlight and Sunburst were quickly chatting with each other.
"Well, I think you're the Crystal Empire's big important wizard, whether you like it or not," Said Starlight with a hoof on her friend's right shoulder.
"I don't know if I'll have time for wizarding. I'm a crystaller now. That's a big responsibility," Said Sunburst.
"I can't think of anypony more qualified. Just… promise you'll stay in touch?" Said Starlight.
"Hm, like I'd ever lose touch with my oldest friend," Said Sunburst.
Starlight and Sunburst gave each other a hug. Unbeknownst to either of them, Twilight was watching from one of the train's windows. Saying a quick goodbye to her friend, Starlight made her way towards the train. Twilight sat down in her seat. She appeared to be upset. Deadpool and Spike, who were sitting next to and across from her respectively, noticed this.
"Hey, you okay?" Asked Deadpool.
"I don't know. I think I have a lot to learn about being a teacher," Said Twilight.
"What are you talking about? Your lesson went perfectly! Starlight and Sunburst got over their past and rekindled their friendship!" Said Spike.
"And because of that, they were able to save our asses from getting frostbite!" Added Deadpool.
"No thanks to me. I know a lot happened. I just wish I could have given my pupil the attention she deserves," Lamented Twilight.
"Well, I know she needed to be put on the right path, but giving her the space to make her own decisions worked pretty well. Isn't that how Celestia taught you?" Asked Spike
Twilight thought about what her assistant said.
"You know, I never thought about it! But I guess it is!" Said Twilight.
"Maybe you're a better teacher than you thought. Well, better than I would be, anyway," Said Deadpool.
Looking behind her seat, Twilight saw Starlight sitting towards the back of the train. Her pupil waved to Sunburst as the train began to leave the station. Both teacher and student locked eyes with each other, then smiled. Twilight then looked out the window with Deadpool and Spike. They saw Cadance and Shining Armor waving goodbye to them. Even the newborn Flurry Heart was able to wave goodbye on her own accord, albeit a lot slower than her parents. With smiles on their faces, Twilight, Spike, and Deadpool waved back.
Fin.
Hey everyone! Hope you all enjoyed part two of the latest chapter of "Deadpool: Mercenary of Harmony"! The next chapter will revolve around an important figure in Deadpool's past. So, be sure to stay tuned! Until next time, this has been ThePhantomArchives, and I hope you all have a great day!