It was relatively early in the morning. Twilight, Deadpool and all of their friends were gathered in the throne room, sitting in their respective thrones. Starlight Glimmer stood next to her mentor, and Spike was sitting on top of the Cutie Map.
"As you've all probably noticed, it's been quite some time since the map has sent us on a mission of friendship," Said Twilight.
"Yeah! Ever since Starlight messed with it to go back in time and try to change history!" Said Spike while knocking the top of the Cutie Map.
In reaction to what Spike said, Starlight had a sheepish smile on her face, and Twilight gave her assistant a stern glare.
"Yes, since then," Said Twilight exasperatedly. "But, as part of her studies, Starlight's been assisting me, and together we think we've come up with a spell that can get it working again!"
With the exception of Deadpool, Twilight's friends cheered for her and Starlight. She then used her magic to lift Spike off of the map and place him onto the floor.
"Now, without further ado…"
Igniting their horns, Twilight and Starlight cast a spell. Their magic combined into an orb above the Cutie Map. Seven magical beams emitted from the orb, connecting to the cutie mark symbols on each throne. The symbols then channeled the magic to the Cutie Map, causing the map of Equestria to appear on the map's surface. Suddenly, Twilight and Fluttershy's cutie marks appeared on the map.
"Fluttershy and Twilight in Appleloosa!" Said Pinkie.
Suddenly, the cutie marks disappeared. A couple seconds later, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash's cutie marks appeared on the map.
"No, me and Rainbow Dash in Las Pegasus!" Said Pinkie.
The cutie marks then disappeared again. This time, random cutie marks appeared in random locations on the map.
"No, Rainbow Dash and Twilight in Yakyakistan! No, Twilight and Twilight in Twilight's castle! No, Rarity and Deadpool in Salt Lick City!" Said Pinkie.
"Oo… I hope I don't end up being summoned there. I am currently banned from that city," Said Deadpool.
"What did ya do to get banned there?" Asked Applejack.
"Let's just say it involves fire and twenty-one million bits of property damage," Answered Deadpool.
After switching between everyone's cutie marks, Pinkie Pie and Rarity's cutie marks circled around the edge of the map.
"Oh, me and Rarity! I hope we get sent to some faraway place where no nopony has gone before!" Said Pinkie eagerly.
"Well, maybe not too far away," Said Rarity with a nervous chuckle. "An adventure somewhere that has modern conveniences would be preferable."
"Such as toilet paper?" Asked Deadpool.
"Oh most definitely!" Replied Rarity.
Rarity and Pinkie Pie's cutie marks moved towards the center of the map, stopping at Canterlot.
"Canterlot! This is wonderful!" Said Rarity excitedly. "I can check the boutique! Perhaps there'll be some social events that we can attend! (Gasp) I'll have to pack extra outfits! What will I wear?!"
"Y'know, some ponies get excited about the silliest things," Said Pinkie.
As Rarity continued planning her trip to Canterlot with Pinkie, Starlight noticed something on the Cutie Map. She saw Deadpool's cutie mark floating where Manehattan is located.
"Hey, looks like Deadpool's being summoned to Manehattan," Said Starlight.
"Really?" Questioned Deadpool.
Looking where Manehattan is located, Deadpool saw his cutie mark.
"Huh. I don't see anypony else's cutie mark. Does that mean I am tackling this friendship problem on my own?" Asked Deadpool.
"I would say so, darling," Answered Rarity.
Hearing that her coltfriend is tasked with resolving a friendship problem on his own, Twilight started sweating, and her breathing became more rapid. Anxious thoughts flooded her mind shortly after.
"Wade has to resolve a friendship problem by himself?!" Thought Twilight. "Relax, Twilight! Wade is capable of solving friendship problems on his own. I'm sure he can find the source of the problem and come up with a solution to the satisfaction of all parties… But what if he needs help, and I can't give it to him? What if he accidentally makes the problem worse?! What if he blows up Manehattan?!"
"Twilight?" Said Deadpool.
"Ah!"
Distracted from her thoughts, Twilight slightly jumped out of fright when she heard Deadpool talking to her.
"Yes, Wade?" Replied Twilight with a forced smile.
"If you want me to sit this one out, I don't mind. Friendship is more of your and the rest of our friends' expertise," Said Deadpool.
Taking a deep breath to compose herself, Twilight looked at Wade with a genuine smile.
"You don't need to, Wade. I'm sure you're capable of helping resolve whatever problem someponys' are having. After all, the map wouldn't have summoned you if it didn't think so," Assured Twilight.
"Well, in that case, I'll go ahead and pack my shit," Said Deadpool.
Getting up from his seat, Deadpool left the throne room to get ready for his trip. Once she was sure he left, Twilight collapsed in her seat.
"You okay?" Asked Applejack.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just gonna have to keep myself even more preoccupied in the library today," Said Twilight.
"Has anypony seen my dynamite anywhere?" Asked Deadpool from outside the throne room.
Upon hearing her coltfriend's question, Twilight began to hyperventilate. Applejack tried to help calm her down by rubbing her shoulder.
A few hours later…
After a long train ride, Deadpool arrived at Manehattan's busiest and most famous train station, Grand Central Terminal. Once the train came to a complete stop, Deadpool and a large group of ponies stepped out of the passenger cars, merging into an even larger group of ponies.
"'Scuse me, 'scuse me! Superhero on a friendship mission here!" Said Deadpool irritatedly.
Once he finally managed to squeeze his way through the crowd and navigate through the expansive train station, he took a look at his surroundings. All around him were towering skyscrapers, including the famous Chrysler Building, and the Park Avenue Viaduct cast a shadow from above. He then took a deep breath.
"Ah! There's nothing like the combined smell of cigarette smoke, flatulence, and back alley murder!" Said Deadpool.
(I love this city! Let's get a drink!)
"Great idea! I know just the bar we can go to!" Said Deadpool excitedly.
(Focus! We are here to solve a friendship problem, not show our love to Manehattan.)
(Buzzkill!)
"Fine," Said Deadpool with an eye roll. "Where do we even begin? There are over eight million ponies on this rock! Any of them could be having friendship problems!"
(Perhaps we should ask the ponies we know. Maybe Equine Torch and the Thing are fighting over who is the better buckball team?)
(Or the Avengers are having a civil war in this universe?)
(Or maybe Cyclops and Wolverine are fighting over Jean?)
"Maybe instead we should go somewhere with a lot of ponies and ask around? Like Times Square?" Suggested Deadpool.
(That's honestly not a bad idea.)
"It's settled then. Times Square is only five minutes away," Said Deadpool.
Five minutes later…
After a relatively short walk, Deadpool arrived at Times Square. The area was packed with residents and tourists alike, all of whom were entering the many restaurants, stores, hotels, and corporate buildings. Electronic billboards displayed advertisements for products and entertainment.
"Where to start?" Pondered Deadpool.
(How about asking that mare over there? She seems pissed about something.)
Seeing a unicorn mare with a scowl walking over to a nearby department store, Deadpool walked over to her.
"Hello, Ms.. Is everything alr-"
"Ah!"
WHAM!
Having been startled by Deadpool, the mare smacked him in the face with a red purse she was carrying. She then bolted towards the store.
"Somepony help me! A masked stallion is trying to rob me!" Shouted the mare in terror.
"Ow! Do I look like a mugger to you?!" Asked Deadpool rhetorically.
(To be fair, you are wearing a mask and carrying a bunch of weapons on you.)
"Okay, I suppose that is fair," Said Deadpool with a huff. "Let's ask somepony else."
Looking for a different pony to help resolve a friendship problem, Deadpool went over to the TKTS booth, where a small group of ponies were sitting on the big red steps.
"Hey, you guys doing alright?" Asked Deadpool.
"Yeah, we're doing alright. Why do you ask?" Said a stallion.
"I'm looking for somepony who's having a friendship problem," Said Deadpool.
"We're all getting along good, dude," Said another stallion.
With no problems between anyone in the group of ponies, Deadpool asked random ponies in a crowd if they had a friendship problem.
"Do you have a friendship problem?" Asked Deadpool.
"Back up, bozo!" Said a stallion irritatedly.
"Sorry. Do you have a friendship problem?" Asked Deadpool.
"I'm walking here!" Shouted a stallion angrily.
"Sorry. Do you have a friendship problem?" Asked Deadpool.
"Back off, creep!" Said a mare.
"Sorry."
Hearing the sound of wheels grinding against the paved street, Deadpool looked to his right and saw three foals riding on skateboards a few feet away from him.
"Hey! You kids have a friendship problem?" Asked Deadpool loudly.
Giving each other confused glances, the foals skated away.
"Good job following the stranger danger rule," Said Deadpool loudly.
Looking around for anyone else who might have a friendship problem, Deadpool looked towards the storefronts surrounding Times Square. He eventually spotted a unicorn stallion and pegasus mare sitting outside a restaurant. Deadpool raced over to them.
"Hello. Sorry to bother you two, but I was wondering if you have a friendship problem, or perhaps a relationship problem?" Asked Deadpool while wiggling his non-existent eyebrows suggestively.
"We're siblings," Replied the stallion irritatedly.
"Dude, that's gross! This isn't ancient Egypt or the state of Alabama," Said Deadpool in disgust.
(Ugh… This is going to take forever.)
Three hours later…
After hours of mindlessly asking everypony if they had any friendship problems, Deadpool sat down on a bench. Placing a hoof to his chin, Deadpool observed his surroundings while thinking of what to do next.
"How about we ask that guy over there?" Pondered Deadpool.
(Oh for the love of Celestia, stop asking random ponies! It didn't get us anywhere an hour ago, it didn't get us anywhere two hours ago, it didn't get us anywhere three hours ago, and it sure as hell isn't going to help us find the friendship problem now! All it has done is made everypony we met avoid us, curse us, or ignore us!)
"Well then, genius, how do you think we should go about finding it?!" Asked Deadpool irritatedly.
(Just go with the flow. You'll find the problem when it finds you. I believe that's how it usually happens with the girls.)
"So, what do I do? Walk around the city? Go shopping? Visit some friends, and hope that one of those things will lead us to somepony who needs our help?" Asked Deadpool.
(I personally don't give a shit on what we do here, or if we even find this friendship problem! It's three o'clock in the afternoon! I'm tired of walking around and talking to ponies, and I just want a fucking taco!)
"Alright, alright! I know a place where they sell bitchin' tacos," Said Deadpool.
A few minutes later…
Deciding to take a break, Deadpool paid a visit to a nearby Mexicoltan restaurant. The interior of the restaurant was rustic, with furnished wooden walls and tables, blue bistro style chairs and stools, and a polished concrete floor. The walls were decorated with oil paintings depicting Mexicolt culture, and the lighting was bright enough to illuminate the restaurant but not at the expense of making the interior look radiant. Deadpool was sitting at the bar, examining the entree section of a menu.
"Welcome to El Taco Relleno. Could I offer you a drink?"
Looking up, Deadpool saw a waitress. She was a unicorn mare with a white coat, a black mane that grew down to her shoulders and a tail of matching color and length, and piercing red eyes. She wore a black short-sleeved uniform and skirt. Based on the fact that her colleagues were wearing white uniforms with black skirts or pants, her uniform must have been specifically ordered to stand out from her coat.
"Of course. I'll have an Equis Draft, 16 ounces," Said Deadpool.
"Very good. I'll be back with your drink in a moment," Said the mare.
"Wait, before you go, would it be alright if I order my food, too?" Asked Deadpool.
"I don't see why not," Replied the mare.
"Awesome! I'll have the taco grande platter," Said Deadpool.
"Very hungry, are we?" Asked the mare with a chuckle, writing down Deadpool's order on a notepad.
"Late lunch," Replied Deadpool.
"Well then, I will place in your order, then be back with your draft," Said the mare.
Handing his menu to the waitress, Deadpool nodded his head in understanding. As she was heading towards the kitchen to the right of the bar, he looked at her. He squinted his eyes, his masked face indicating he was thinking hard about something.
"Does she look familiar to you guys?" Asked Deadpool to himself.
(I'll bet five bits we slept with her at least once.)
(That would be a safe bet.)
"I'll accept that bet, but I'm really hoping that you're wrong. Otherwise our time here will be extremely uncomfortable," Said Deadpool.
(Especially since that would mean we had eaten her "taco" in the past.)
Deadpool watched as the waitress came back to the bar and grabbed an empty glass. She then poured 16 ounces of Equis Draft beer from an appropriately labeled tap. She carried the glass of beer to where Deadpool was sitting and placed it in front of him. The foam on top of the glass sloshed upwards, but it thankfully didn't spill over.
"Here's your drink, dear," Said the waitress.
"Thanks," Said Deadpool. As the waitress was about to leave to tend to another customer, Deadpool spoke up. "I know you're probably busy, but I need to ask: do I know you?"
"Great, it's not just me! I thought I recognized you, too. I feel embarrassed that I don't know your name," Said the waitress.
"No need to be. The name's Deadpool. Merc with a Mouth and famous superhero," Said Deadpool arrogantly.
"Can't say that name rings a bell," Said the waitress honestly.
"Figures. Took me 25 years to reach blockbuster stardom, yet some people still don't know my name! At least I don't get confused with the bug in pajamas as much anymore," Said Deadpool with a pouty lip.
Deadpool lifted his mask up over his muzzle, then took three large gulps of his beer, leaving it half empty.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! If you want a refill, that's fine, but do you not have any time to enjoy that drink?" Asked the waitress.
Hearing what the waitress said, Wade's eyes widened and he gasped out of shock as a memory from his past flooded his head.
Six years ago…
In his memory, Wade Wilson was sitting at the bar top in his favorite dive bar/mercenary hub/shithole - the Hellhouse. He had yet to don his iconic red and black suit, revealing his pre-cancer appearance of a brown coat, short black mane, brown eyes, and a gun-and-knife cutie mark. Like he was in the present, he was drinking a beer very quickly. That was when a unicorn mare who looked identical to the one he met walked up to him.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? Don't have time to enjoy that drink?" Asked the mare.
Smiling and blushing from how attractive the mare was, Wade stopped drinking his beer, and wiped droplets of the golden colored liquid from the corners of his mouth.
"I just completed a high paying contract. I want to get out of here as soon as possible, so I can get my reward. Have we met before?" Asked Wade.
"Doubt it. I'm Vanessa Carlysle," Said the mare.
The mare's words echoed in his mind, then Deadpool's vision went black.
Present day…
Deadpool's vision returned, having been released from his suppressed memory. Knowing exactly who the mare in front of him is, he tilted his head slightly downwards to make eye contact with her. A circular impression was visible from where his mouth was due to it being agape.
"You okay, hun? I can't really tell for sure, but it looks like you might have seen a ghost," Said the mare, now known to be Vannesa, concerningly.
Deadpool was about to speak, but he stopped. He was hesitating. Should he tell her who he is, or should he tell her it was nothing? If he went with the latter, he could have his lunch, then leave and move on with his life. But if he went with the former, anything could happen. She could cry, yell, or flee. Would she curse his name for leaving her, beat him, or act civilly and serve him long enough until he left? After what felt like hours, he finally decided on what he should do.
"... What's a pretty place like you doing in a mare like this?" Asked Deadpool with slight hesitation.
Hearing what he said, Vanessa gasped. She looked to the stallion who was her former coltfriend out of shock.
"Wade?" Said Vannesa in disbelief.
"Yeah," Replied Deadpool quietly.
Both ponies stared into each other's eyes. Both of them were in disbelief that the other was in front of them at this very moment. After a few seconds, Vanessa slightly backed up.
"Excuse me."
Vanessa fast-walked to the entrance to the kitchen area. Deadpool could tell that from the way her body shook that she had been frightened by their encounter.
SLAM!
Deadpool slammed his face against the bar, feeling both relieved and drained from everything that had just transpired.
(Looks like I won the bet!)
(We just encountered our ex-marefriend after years of not seeing each other, and that's what you're thinking about?)
(I like money. Now pay up!)
"You do realize I can't actually pay you, right?" Asked Deadpool annoyedly.
(Oh no! I overlooked a glaring issue: I don't exist!)
"I hate you," Muttered Deadpool.
(Well, that's a little harsh.)
"Great, this is just great. First I couldn't find the friendship problem I was assigned to resolve, then I came across my ex-marefriend," Said Deadpool.
(Look at the bright side - at least she didn't buck you across the restaurant.)
(I think that's only because she's on the clock.)
"Should I leave? I feel like I should leave," Said Deadpool, holding his head in his left hoof.
(You weren't being an ass or a creep. So you should be allowed to continue eating here.)
"I suppose so," Said Deadpool.
(Just our luck that we would run into her during our friendship mission.)
Deadpool nodded his head in agreement. He then took a sip of his drink.
PFF!
Realizing that his encounter with Vanessa may not have been as coincidental as he and one of his inner voices thought, he performed a spit take. The beer he was drinking sprayed out of his mouth, covering the bottles of alcoholic drinks behind the bar. The restaurant patrons and a couple of waiters looked in his direction.
"Sorry," Said Deadpool sheepishly.
The ponies turned their attention away from Deadpool.
"Gah! Why did the mission have to be reconciling with my ex?!" Asked Deadpool in frustration.
(Because it's the right thing to do.)
"I know it's the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean I want to do it," Complained Deadpool.
(We may not always want to do the right thing, but doing so makes you a better pony.)
"That sounds like something you would find after a twenty second Google search on motivational quotes," Remarked Deadpool.
(Think of it this way: apologizing to her for being a shity coltfriend will not only allow you to finish your friendship mission sooner, it will also free you of one of your demons.)
Deadpool thought about what the voice in his head proposed to him, then he stood upright in his seat.
"Yeah, okay! Considering everything I've been through and most likely what she went through as well, I owe it to the both of us to bury the hatchet!" Said Deadpool determinedly.
BRUM RUM!
Suddenly, Deadpool's stomach growling out of hunger.
"Uh, maybe after lunch? It would give me some time to eat, and hopefully for Vannesa to compose herself," Said Deadpool.
A few minutes later…
Deadpool caught a scent he was familiar with. Looking towards the kitchen, he watched as a pegasus waitress carried a large plate with her right wing. He knew upon laying eyes on it it was his meal - a mixture of black beans, shredded cheese, chopped avocados and tomatoes drizzled with sour cream sitting atop a layer of lettuce and corn chips. The white fabric of Deadpool's eyes expanded, revealing how awestruck he was.
(My love…!)
"Here's your taco grande platter, sir," Said the waitress.
"Thank you!" Said Deadpool excitedly.
(Wait a minute. Where's Vanessa?)
"Oh, uh, hey, is everything alright with the previous waitress, Vanessa?" Asked Deadpool.
"Vanessa? Oh, yeah, she's alright," Replied the waitress.
"Good. Uh, am I by chance able to speak with her? Not that I have a problem with you!" Said Deadpool with his forelegs up defensively. "I was just hoping to talk to her about something personal."
"Sorry, hun, but I'm afraid she clocked out for the day. Said something about a personal emergency," Said the waitress.
"Oh… Thank you," Said Deadpool with his ears pointing downwards in disappointment.
"Of course, hun."
Just as the waitress left, Deadpool smacked himself in the forehead.
"Of course I scared her away! Not much scared Vanessa. I must have hurt her really badly when I left her," Said Deadpool glumly.
(At least we have this taco platter to help us eat our feelings away.)
"Yeah…"
Deadpool grabbed a chip and scooped up some of the filling, then ate it. The spicy flavor instantly put a smile on his face.
(So, we're just counting our losses and going home?)
"No. One, we're not going anywhere until after eating this. Two, we have to find Vanessa and finish this mission. Otherwise the map might kill us!" Said Deadpool.
(Do you seriously think the map kills ponies if they don't complete the mission?)
"You don't know. That thing's magic! Anything could happen if we fail!" Said Deadpool.
(Well, what are you going to do about it? As far as we are concerned, she's gone.)
"Unless she upped and left Manehattan, she can be found. If we could figure out where she lives, we could go there, apologize to her, and complete the mission," Said Deadpool.
(Uh…)
"Do we know anypony who has information on the locations of ponies," Said Deadpool.
He placed a hoof on his chin, and tried to think of anypony he knew who could tell him where Vanessa resides.
"Got it!" Said Deadpool.
Thirty minutes later…
After having his late lunch, Deadpool traveled to Hell's Kitchen. Upon arriving by means of the subway, he made his way to a small storefront. Looking up, he read the two words on a red neon sign - The Hellhouse. A bar that Deadpool was all too familiar with, he stepped inside.
The place was mostly dark, very little light illuminating from the incandescent light bulbs on the ceiling. A pool table and an old jukebox were all that were available for entertainment. A large chalkboard hung from the ceiling next to the bar top. A list of names was written on the board, even Wade's name was on it. Written in bold letters on top of the board were the words, "Dead Pool". The bar patrons appeared to be not your average crowd. Most of them were stallions, with the few mares in the bar serving as waitresses. The stallions appeared tough, some of them bearing scars on their extremities or faces, and scowling or glaring at each other. All of them carried either a firearm, knife, or both. It appeared that the only thing that was preventing a full on brawl was they were distracted by their drinks. That quickly changed when everyone took notice of Deadpool.
"Wade!" Cried everyone cheerfully.
"Hey, dickheads! Have any of you seen Weasel around?" Asked Deadpool.
Everyone pointed towards the bar. Deadpool walked over and sat down on the middle stool. He noticed the bartender was grabbing a bottle on a top shelf.
"Excuse me good sir, have you seen a stallion by the name of Weasel around here?" Asked Deadpool.
"Wade?"
The bartender turned around, revealing his full features. He was a pegasus stallion with brown fur, a short black mane and tail, and he wore a pair of glasses. His cutie mark depicted a hoof holding a bit. Upon seeing the stallion, Deadpool did a double take.
"Weasel?" Said Deadpool in confusion.
"You know you could just call me Jack," Said Weasel.
"Okay, Jack… No, no! I prefer Weasel. Your real name leaves a weird taste in my mouth," Said Deadpool.
Seeing his friend scowling at him, Deadpool decided to change the topic.
"Uh, I have so many questions. Like why did you change your mane and tail?" Asked Deadpool.
"I got tired of constantly having to brush it. I also decided to rock a different color when I got them cut," Explained Weasel.
"Minus the fact that you're a pony, it does make you more comic accurate. Second question: since when did you become a bartender? That was your occupation in the FOX movies," Said Deadpool.
"I have to make money when I'm not making weapons deals and providing information somehow," Said Weasel.
"Fair enough," Replied Deadpool.
"You look like you could use a drink. Want a blowjob?" Asked Weasel.
"Of course," Replied Deadpool.
Weasel grabbed a bottle of amaretto liqueur and iroish cream liqueur, a can of whipped cream, and a shot glass. He first poured 1⁄2 ounce of the amaretto liqueur into the shot glass, then poured 1⁄5 ounce of the cream liqueur. He then topped the cocktail with some whipped cream.
"There. One blowjob," Said Weasel.
Deadpool pulled his mask part way up, then grabbed the shot glass with his teeth and poured the cocktail down in one gulp. He delicately placed the glass down, then lowered his mask.
"Why can't you ever drink those like a normal pony?" Asked Weasel.
"Clearly you know nothing about the blowjob. Traditionally, it was consumed hooves-free, and when it comes to drinking by tradition, that is where I shine," Said Deadpool matter-of-factly.
"Was it good?" Asked Weasel.
"Hell yeah! Doesn't compare to Brandy's, though. She gave me the best blowjobs when she worked here," Said Deadpool.
"I think you meant made instead of gave. If you don't, you are perverted," Said Weasel.
"Like you're any better," Said Deadpool annoyedly.
"True. While you were lecturing me on how blowjobs should be consumed, I was thinking to myself how much I would like to have an actual hooves-free blowjob," Said Weasel bluntly.
(Change the subject, please!)
"Good idea," Said Deadpool to himself. "So, as much as how good it is to see you again, I actually came here seeking information."
"Figures. You haven't been here for nearly two years now, and even when you did come here, it was usually on the lines of receiving contract money. So, what do you want to know?" Asked Weasel.
"First, did you know that Vanessa's back in Manehattan?" Asked Deadpool.
"Yeah. She moved back here a couple of months ago. I would've let you know, but you're with that new princess," Said Weasel.
"Finally! Somepony who both knows and believes I'm going out with Twilight! Anyway, I have to make things better between me and Vanessa, so I was wondering if you knew where she lived?" Asked Deadpool.
(Uh, Wade?)
"Not right now," Said Deadpool to himself.
"Yeah, I know where she lives. She and I often encounter each other on our way to our jobs," Said Weasel.
"Awesome! Where can I find her?" Asked Deadpool.
"Hold on a second," Said Weasel with his hoof held out in front of him. "Before I give you the information you sought for, I want something in return."
"Are you seriously going to make me pay to find out where my ex lives?! Because if so, I'll stab you in the hindleg again," Said Deadpool irritatedly with a low growl.
"You better not do that again, or else I'll get lawyers involved. I still can't believe you did that," Said Weasel.
"You ate the last cheesy puff! What was I supposed to do, not stab you?" Asked Deadpool rather sociopathically.
"Of course you're not supposed to do that! And that was MY bag of cheesy puffs!" Said Weasel frustratedly.
Weasel took a breath to calm himself down.
"No, all you have to do is compete in the Dead Pool. If anyone in here beats you, we get our money and you have to go find a different way to find Vanessa's address. If you can beat everypony in here, then I will give you Vanessa's address," Explained Weasel.
"Fight in the Dead Pool again, huh? Oh, the memories," Said Deadpool nostalgically. "Unfortunately, there's two problems with that proposal: one, I can't be killed, and two, I am on a no kill policy now," Said Deadpool.
"I know you don't like to hurt innocent ponies, but since when did you care about not killing?" Asked Weasel.
"Ever since I met a few ponies who helped turn my life around. Also, I'm terrified of my marefriend," Admitted Deadpool.
"Well, then, that's why I said beat. That way, they don't have to do the impossible, and so that way you and I don't have to figure out what to do with an entire room full of dead mercenaries," Explained Weasel.
"Hmm… Fine then, it's a bet," Said Deadpool.
Deadpool and Weasel shook hooves, cementing the bet.
"First, I need another blowjob," Said Deadpool.
"Okay…?" Said Weasel confusedly.
Weasel made a blowjob for Deadpool. The latter then waved over a waitress.
"Hey, doll. Do you mind giving this to the stallion in the back corner?" Asked Deadpool. "Tell him it's on me."
Biting her bottom lip, the waitress nodded her head and took the drink. Deadpool watched her take it over to the back corner, and give it to an earth pony stallion. She then told him something, most likely what he told her to tell him.
SMASH!
The stallion angrily threw the cocktail, causing the glass to shatter against the wall behind the bar.
"Wade!" Shouted the stallion angrily.
The stallion got up from his seat and charged towards Deadpool. Wade confidentiality got up from his seat. Once the stallion was close to him, he delivered an uppercut straight to his jaw.
POW!
CRASH!
Deadpool's uppercut was powerful enough to launch the stallion into the air. He landed on top of a wooden table, breaking it in half. Everyone else in the bar looked at the stallion, who laid on the ground unconscious, then at Wade.
"Alright, dickheads! I'm officially back on the Dead Pool! Whichever one of you fuckers manages to kill me wins the big cash prize that's been on my head for the past few years! Said Deadpool.
All of the stallions looked at each other in confusion.
"Oh, yeah, you only have to kill me temporarily," Clarified Deadpool.
Smiling eagerly, all of the stallions got up from their seats while the waitresses galloped into a room behind the bar. As the group of mercenaries made their way towards him, Deadpool bent his neck to the left to crack it.
(This is going to be fun!)
"Maximum effort!" Said Deadpool.
Deadpool turned around and bucked a stallion across the room. He then spun around and kicked another stallion in the head, knocking him out. A stallion grabbed him by the shoulder, but he grabbed his hoof and threw him over his shoulder. Punching him to knock him out, Deadpool looked up just in time to see another stallion attempting to kick him. He rolled out of the way, then swept his legs and knocked him out with a punch to the face.
BANG!
The stallion that Deadpool kicked across the bar fired a gun at him. The bullet pierced through his chest and shattered a bottle of beer behind the bartop. Originally hiding behind the counter, Weasel poked his head above the bartop.
"Hey, you break it, you buy it!" Said Weasel angrily.
"You will get more than enough to pay for the damages off of my dead corpse if they win!" Said Deadpool.
Deadpool grabbed a fork and threw it at the armed stallion. The points pierced through the back of his right hoof, causing him to drop his weapon. Deadpool then ran towards the stallion and punched him in the face, knocking him out and leaving a dent in the wall behind him.
CRACK!
Another stallion whacked Deadpool in the back of the head with a pool cue stick. Stumbling out of disorientation, Deadpool caught himself on the wall, then pushed himself off and used the momentum to punch the stallion in the face. The stallion dropped the cue stick, but Deadpool grabbed it before it could land on the floor. Deadpool used it to smack a couple of mercenaries in the face. He then used the cue stick to trip a mercenary and knee him in the face.
Another mercenary swung a knife at him. Deadpool used the cue stick to block the attack, but the blade broke the stick in two. Swinging both halves in his hooves, he blocked a couple more strikes, then whacked him in the chest and underneath his jaw, knocking him out. Seeing a couple of mercenaries running towards him, he threw both halves of the cue stick at their faces, knocking one out and disorienting the other. Shaking his head to get out of his daze, the stallion ran towards Deadpool and threw a punch towards him. Deadpool dodged it, then backed up into the pool table. Seeing a bunch of pool balls, Deadpool grabbed the eight-ball and threw it at the stallion.
BAM!
The ball hit him in his left eye, and he fell on his back. Deadpool threw the seven and blackballs at a couple mercenaries, then tossed the rest onto the floor. A mercenary accidentally stepped on the balls, and slipped face first onto the floor.
"Aha! That's game point for those guys!" Said Deadpool triumphantly.
(That's a tennis term, not an eight-ball pool term.)
Feeling someone grabbing him by the back of the head, Deadpool was forcefully dragged towards the jukebox. He then had his face slammed repeatedly into the jukebox, causing the music to change with each hit.
"Ow, ow, ow!" Cried Deadpool painfully.
He grabbed his aggressor by what he presumed was their mane, then tugged on it hard.
"Ow!"
Feeling them loosen their grip, Deadpool jabbed them in the ribcage. Now completely free, Deadpool turned to face his attacker. To his surprise, he saw a familiar face. Standing in front of him was a largely built stallion wearing a black leather vest. He lacked a mane, but he had a long gray beard and tail. On his flank was a cutie mark of a hoof curled up in a fist.
"Buck?" Said Deadpool.
"Hey, Wade," Greeted Buck rather calmly.
"How have you been doing, bud? Have you been treating mares with respect?" Asked Deadpool menacingly.
"Yes, sir! Only with the utmost respect!" Said Buck fearfully.
"I can vouch for him," Said the stallion who slipped on the floor.
"Good, good. I'm gonna have to knock you out now," Said Deadpool bluntly.
Deadpool ran up to Buck and attempted to kick him. Buck grabbed both of his hindlegs and threw him onto a table, causing it to break into pieces. Holding his head in pain, Deadpool looked up and saw Buck was about to strike, holding one of his front hooves in the other above his head. Reacting quickly, he kicked him in the stomach, then his hocks. With his face closer to him, Deadpool punched Buck in the muzzle. Causing his opponent to stumble back, Deadpool got up and ran towards him. Once he was within striking distance, Deadpool turned around and bucked him in the chest. Falling in front of the bartop, Buck attempted to get up, but he lost consciousness before he could get back onto his hooves.
With Buck taken care of, Deadpool looked around the room. All of the mercenaries he fought remained unconscious.
"Yeah!" Cried Deadpool, raising his front hooves in triumph. "The champion of the Dead Pool continues to be me! Now, tell me where I can-"
DING!
Feeling something made of metal hit him in the back of the head, Deadpool fell face first onto the floor. Before he could try to get back up, he was struck in the head again.
DING! DING! DING!
His attacker hitting him relentlessly, Deadpool could only hear the sounds of his head splitting open and whatever was being used as a weapon before he lost consciousness.
A few minutes later…
Deadpool slowly opened his eyes. Even though he felt a powerful headache hammering at his skull, he reluctantly got up. Looking down at the floor, he saw there was a large blood stain on the floor, most likely his blood. He then dragged himself over to the bar top, and sat on the center barstool. He saw his friend, Weasel, drinking liquor straight from the bottle.
"Ugh, what happened?" Asked Deadpool painfully.
"You were bludgeoned to death," Said Weasel nonchalantly.
"How?! I beat everyone in here!" Said Deadpool.
"All but one," Said Weasel.
"Who?!" Asked Deadpool.
"Me."
Weasel reached underneath the bar top, and pulled out a fire extinguisher. Placing it on the bar top, a large amount of blood could be seen on the right side of the fire extinguisher.
"What?! That doesn't count!" Said Deadpool furiously.
"Ah, ah, ah! I said if anyone in here beats you, we win. So, by the terms that were laid out, I won the bet," Said Weasel smugly.
"Why you slimy little weasel… Weasel!" Said Deadpool with a hiss.
"Speaking of wager: gents, time to split the money," Said Weasel.
Even though most of the mercenaries were still unconscious, a few of them recovered. Some of them walked over to the bar, and reluctantly gave Weasel bits or checks. Weasel eagerly grabbed all of the money that was given to him.
"I got to say, I thought I was never going to get this money ever since you ended up with that healing factor of yours. If I had thought of stretching the rules sooner, I would've bust your skull open years ago! With that being said, thank you, Wade," Said Weasel gratefully.
"Fuck off! Because of you, I now have to find a different way to get Vanessa's address," Said Deadpool irritatedly.
Hearing a hoof slam on the bartop, he saw Buck get himself off of the ground.
"Vanessa? She lives on West 43rd street in the largest apartment building," Said Buck.
"Buck, you fucking idiot!" Shouted Weasel angerily.
"Buck, you fucking saint!" Shouted Deadpool happily.
Deadpool hugged the large stallion, making him slightly uncomfortable. He quickly let go of him.
"Wait, how do you know where she lives?" Asked Deadpool.
"She lives across the street from the same building where I take my pilates classes," Answered Buck.
"You take pilates classes?" Asked Deadpool.
"Yeah," Replied Buck.
"Huh," Said Deadpool.
"What?" Asked Buck.
"Nothing, I just realized I need to reexamine my own personal biases," Replied Deadpool.
"I can take you there if you want?" Offered Buck.
"I'll gladly take you up on your offer," Said Deadpool.
"Cool, let's go," Said Buck.
While Buck made his way towards the exit, Deadpool turned to face Weasel. Both stallions glared at each other, then they smiled.
"Thanks for the fun!" Said Deadpool gratefully. "I haven't been in a brawl that good in a long time!"
"No problem. Here, take this."
Weasel put 100 bits in a pouch, then gave it to Deadpool.
"Oh, yeah. I forgot I betted on my own life… Yeah, not telling Twilight where I got these bits," Said Deadpool.
Ready to find Vanessa, Deadpool left the Hellhouse and followed Buck.
A few minutes later…
After following him through the streets of Hell's Kitchen, Deadpool and Buck stopped in front of a large brick apartment building. The faded brick building was five meters larger than the other buildings on the street. As Deadpool looked at the apartment his ex was residing in, a new feeling of dread was slowly sinking in.
"Welp, here we are. Good luck with patching things up with Vanessa," Said Buck while patting Deadpool's shoulder.
"Thanks, Buck. I'm definitely going to need it," Muttered Deadpool.
His services no longer required, Buck walked back towards the Hellhouse. Deadpool lifted his front hoof in preparation to head inside the apartment building, but then he stopped. He feared what awaited ahead of him. Will Vanessa forgive him, or wish him to go to Hell? Would he even be able to muster the courage to go through with apologizing to her? Would she even give him the chance to apologize to her? Taking a deep breath, Wade finally mustered the courage to enter the apartment building.
When Deadpool entered the apartment building, he saw a pegasus stallion walking down a flight of stairs on the left side of the main lobby. Assuming he's a tenant, Deadpool walked up to him.
"Excuse me. Do you know which apartment Vanessa Carlysle lives in?" Asked Deadpool.
Momentarily caught off guard from seeing a masked pony in front of him, the stallion pointed upstairs with an annoyed expression.
"Fifth floor, apartment 11," Said the stallion.
"Thanks," Said Deadpool.
Walking past the stallion, Deadpool climbed up the stairs. After climbing up four flights of stairs, he walked up to the second door on the left. Looking at the tarnished 11 towards the top of the door, he could feel his nerves building up. Deciding he needed to talk to Vanessa before he could back out, he raised his hoof in preparation to knock on her door.
(Hold on a minute!)
"Can't it wait?" Asked Deadpool to himself annoyedly.
(No! I tried saying this a couple of times, so just listen to me. Do you realize how creepy this is?!)
"No, explain," Said Deadpool.
(You encountered Vanessa after not seeing her for nearly seven years, then you decide the best way to find her is by going to a bar to acquire her address then going to her apartment unannounced!)
"... Well, when you put it like that," Said Deadpool.
(To be fair, it's not like we could let her know ahead of time since cell phones apparently aren't invented until after the fall of our glorious nation).
(What I'm trying to say is there are better ways at going about this.)
"Okay. Hmm... What would Twilight do?" Asked Deadpool to himself.
Placing a hoof to his chin, Deadpool thought about what he should do. Strangely, a thought bubble appeared above his head. Twilight could be seen in the middle of the thought bubble.
"Forget customs! We have a mission to complete! Blow up the door if you have to!" Said the imaginative Twilight.
"That sounds like something I would say. Hold on a second," Said Deadpool.
Waving the first thought bubble away, Deadpool began thinking again. A new thought bubble with Twilight in it appeared.
"We should forget Vanessa. The past is the past. Let's go home and have sex!" Said the imaginative Twilight.
Surprised by what the imaginative Twilight said, Deadpool waved the thought bubble away.
"I didn't think of that one," Said Deadpool confusedly.
([Giggle] That was me!)
(Jesus Christ…! Here, let me help.)
A new thought bubble quickly appeared.
"Let's wait until tomorrow to apologize to her. We should give her some time to calm down from encountering us, then try to talk to her at her job where she will hopefully not feel like she's being pursued," Said the imaginative Twilight.
POP!
The thought bubble disappeared with a pop, leaving Deadpool to think about what the imaginative Twilight had said.
"Hmm… I suppose that would be a better thing to do. We could get a hotel room and stay the night, then go to the restaurant before the lunch rush where there will hopefully be less ponies around to overhear our conversation," Said Deadpool.
(See? That's better than going to her apartment.)
"Yeah, yeah. You reckon instead of a hotel, Al would let us crash on her-"
CREAK!
As soon as Deadpool turned to leave, the door to Vannesa's apartment opened up. Vannesa stepped out of her apartment, locking eyes with her ex. The former looked surprised while the latter looked like he was terrified.
"SHIT!"
"Wade?! What the fuck are you doing at my apartment?!" Asked Vannesa angrily.
"In my defense, I realized how potentially inappropriate this could've been and tried to leave," Said Deadpool defensively.
"How did you even find this place?" Asked Vanessa.
"Buck showed me," Answered Deadpool.
"Ugh. Next time I see him, I need to step on his hooves," Said Vanessa exasperatedly.
"Uh, I should go, right?" Asked Deadpool.
"Ugh… No, you might as well tell me why you're here," Replied Vanessa.
"Okay, then," Said Deadpool.
Taking a deep breath to collect himself, Deadpool began his apology.
"Vanessa, I am here to apologize to you," Said Deadpool.
"Oh? Okay then, I'm listening," Said Vanessa, leaning against the door frame.
"As you know, not too long after I was diagnosed with cancer, I left you in the middle of the night. For the past couple of years, I realized that what I did was wrong, and have felt really bad since. So, after all of this time, I want to tell you I'm sorry," Said Deadpool.
Deadpool looked at his flank. He didn't see any light radiating from his cutie mark underneath his pants.
"Why's my cutie mark not glowing?" Asked Deadpool.
Choosing to ignore what Deadpool was doing in front of her, Vanessa sighed.
"Wade, as much as I don't appreciate you following me back to my apartment, I appreciate you trying to apologize to me," Said Vanessa.
"That's good," Said Deadpool in relief. "For a moment, I thought that maybe you-"
Vanessa raised her right hoof up, signaling to him she didn't finish speaking.
"However, I can't accept your apology," Said Vanessa.
Hearing her reject his apology, Deadpool's shoulders and ears drooped.
"What?" Asked Deadpool dejectedly.
"Wade, I went through a lot when you left," Said Vanessa sullenly. "I was angry because you left me without even bothering to tell me. I felt dejected because I thought you no longer wanted to marry me. But most of all, I was sad; no distraught. I thought you had died from your cancer, and I wasn't there to say goodbye, or you were in agonizing pain, and I couldn't help you because I didn't know where you were."
"Well, you see, I-"
"Shush!" Said Vanessa sternly. "What I'm trying to say is you broke my heart. As much as I hate corny shit, it's true. The fact that you left without telling me made me feel like I didn't matter to you. With that being said, that's why I can't accept your apology."
After hearing what Vanessa had to say, Deadpool nodded his head glumly.
"I understand," Said Deadpool sadly.
"Goodbye, Wade."
Vanessa stepped back inside her apartment, then shut the door. An action that felt agonizingly long to Deadpool. He stared at her door for a few seconds, then he looked down at the floor glumly.
"I did care, and even though I'm with somepony else now, I still do."
With his attempt to apologize to Vanessa ending in failure, Deadpool made his way downstairs. After walking down the flight of stairs and exiting the lobby, he stood in front of the apartment building. As he stared across the street, he heard the voices inside his head.
(Are you okay?)
Deadpool had a look on his face that read "If I could roll my eyes at you, I would."
(Right, right. I'm sorry she didn't accept your apology, Wade.)
"GAGH!"
Deadpool vented his frustration by yelling, causing a couple ponies on the street to look at him before continuing with their day.
"I'm the worst pony ever!" Said Deadpool angrily. "I have my compulsive, pea-brained head shoved so far up my own ass that every time I do something that I think is good, I don't realize that I'm actually hurting the ponies I care about! When I eventually realize I was being a shitty pony, if at all, my apologies either end up being half-assed or are ineffective because of the damage I've caused!"
(So what if Vanessa didn't accept our apology? It's her loss.)
"Don't you dare think that way!" Said Deadpool sternly to the voice in his head. "Vanessa has every right to not forgive me. Imagine finding out that your fiance, who ran out on you in the middle of the night and you thought was dead, was actually alive the whole time and never attempted to reach out to you until now? A simple apology could never make up for all of that."
(So, what do we do?)
"All that we can do is go home," Said Deadpool depressingly.
(But what about the Cutie Map? Our friendship mission?)
"There's nothing we can do; that I can do. Sometimes, the damage a pony causes is too great to patch up," Said Deadpool glumly.
Deadpool surveyed the street, and saw a taxi chariot a few feet away from his right.
"It's probably best that we count our losses and head back home," Said Deadpool in defeat.
Deadpool walked over to the taxi chariot and sat down in the cushioned seat.
"I'd like a ride to Grand Central Station, please," Said Deadpool, leaning back in the seat.
"Of course! I'll get you there as quickly as I can, Mr. Pool!"
Deadpool jotted up in his seat, recognizing the accent of the taxi pony in front of him. He saw the taxi pony was an earth pony stallion with brown fur, matching brown eyes, a short, curly black mane and tail, and wearing blue jeans and striped shirt. The stallion was looking at him with an endearing smile.
"Dopinder?!" Said Deadpool with a happy chuckle.
"Hello, Mr. Pool," Greeted Dopinder.
"Oh my Celestia! How long has it been since I've seen you? Nearly two years?" Wondered Deadpool.
"Two lonely years," Said Dopinder with a hint of sadness. "How's living in Ponyville going?"
"Great! I've met some great ponies, live in a castle, currently dating a princess who's voiced by arguably one of the most famous voice actresses of all time, and ponies are finally respecting me as a hero. I think you would enjoy living there. I could see you becoming friends with Fluttershy," Said Deadpool.
"Is there a taxi service there?" Asked Dopinder.
"Yeah, there is. Although, it's not used often because most of the ponies in Ponyville get around by walking. I've certainly been getting my steps in," Said Deadpool.
"Oh. Then I don't know if Ponyville's a place I would want to live in. Taking ponies from point A to point B is all I have since my dream of becoming a contract killer fell through," Said Dopinder glumly.
Deadpool forced himself to hold back a chuckle. He leaned forward, curious about his friend's troubles.
"What happened?" Asked Deadpool.
"I tried to let my eagle soar as you told me, Mr. Pool, but it kept getting weighed down by the force that is dismission," Said Dopinder.
"That being?" Asked Deadpool.
"I tried to get employed, but everypony kept dismissing me because they thought Bandhu's death was comical," Explained Dopinder.
"Well, to be fair, accidentally asphyxiating him to death with a sock as a makeshift gag isn't exactly the most impressive kill compared to what other mercenaries have done," Said Deadpool.
"I almost had a job, though! It would've cemented me as a contract killer, giving me the purpose I was looking for, but then I was sent away when the pony who was going to hire me realized I wasn't somepony named Doppelganger," Said Dopinder.
"The d-list Spider-Man villain? Or I guess in our case, the d-list Spider-Pony villain?" Asked Deadpool.
"Yeah… Enough about my woes, I'm sure you have somewhere important to be. I'll take you to Grand Central Station," Said Dopinder.
Pulling the taxi chariot, Dopinder began to take Deadpool to Grand Central Station. In spite of what his thin build would suggest, he was pulling the cart at a reasonably fast pace.
"So what brings you back to Manehattan, DP?" Asked Dopinder.
"Ugh!" Cried Deadpool in frustration.
"Sorry, Mr. Pool," Said Dopinder timidly.
"No, don't apologize, Dopinder," Said Deadpool. "You didn't know. I was sent here to solve a friendship problem-"
"What's a friendship problem?" Asked Dopinder.
"It's a conflict that's used in some episodes of the show this fanfiction takes place in," Explained Deadpool. "After trying to find the ponies who were having the friendship problem, two things happened: first I came across Vanessa. Do you remember her?"
"She's the prostitute, right?" Asked Dopinder.
"I think that's an undignifying way to remember her, but yes," Said Deadpool. "The second thing that happened was not too long after I ran into her, I realized the friendship problem was between me and Vanessa! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know the problem was that I had left her while she was sleeping. So after going to Weasel then Buck for help finding her, I apologized to her."
"I take it she didn't accept your apology?" Quired Dopinder.
"No," Said Deadpool glumly. "I understand why, though. What I did was a dick move; I would know. So now I'm heading back home so I can be embraced by the angel that I live with."
"Did she say why she didn't accept your apology?" Asked Dopinder.
"Because I put her through the whole emotional spectrum. She was pissed, she was sad, and she felt dejected. All of which are justified," Said Deadpool.
"How did you apologize to her?" Asked Dopinder.
"How? I acknowledged what I did and told her I was sorry," Answered Deadpool.
"Did you try to explain why you left her, Mr. Pool?" Asked Dopinder.
Hearing his friend's question, Deadpool paused to think.
"Now that you mention it, I didn't explain why I left," Answered Deadpool.
"If you were to explain your actions, she may accept your apology after knowing why you did what you did," Explained Dopinder.
"Maybe so, but I'm pretty sure telling her I left because I thought it was better that she wasn't left with a dead stallion won't fly with her," Said Deadpool.
"Was that the only reason why you left, Pool, sir?" Asked Dopinder.
"Well, there was one other reason why I left…"
Deadpool took a minute to think. If he told Vanessa the other reason why he left, maybe she would forgive him. But there's a good chance that she would still reject his apology.
"It's making my stomach sick thinking about it. I don't think telling her would make things better. I think she would find it selfish. But if there's a chance that it would convince her to forgive me and bring peace to both of us, then I'll do it," Said Deadpool.
"Sometimes the best way to seek forgiveness is to open yourself to vulnerability," Said Dopinder.
"Okay, Facebook group admin. Could you wait here until I come back?" Asked Deadpool.
"Sure thing, DP," Replied Dopinder.
Once Dopinder stopped pulling the taxi, Deadpool hopped off of the taxi.
"Let me give you something to thank you, Dopinder," Said Deadpool.
"I presume a crisp high hoof?" Quired Dopinder.
"For you pal, two," Said Deadpool.
Deadpool and Dopinder quickly sat on their haunches, then gave each other a double high hoof.
A few minutes later…
After a short walk, Deadpool returned to his ex's apartment. He then knocked on the door.
KNOCK KNOCK!
"Go away, Wade!" Said Vanessa irritatedly from within her apartment.
"How did you know it was me?" Asked Deadpool.
"Because your suit smells strongly of Mexicolt food," Answered Vanessa.
Deadpool self consciously smelled his left sleeve.
"Hm, I guess it is overdue for a wash," Said Deadpool. "Vanessa, I know that coming back here may be inappropriate, but I wanted to explain my actions. I realize I should've done this earlier, but as the saying goes, better late than never."
"I'm done talking to you, Wade!" Said Vanessa irritaedly.
"You don't have to say anything. Just listen to what I have to say, and then I Pinkie Promise I will leave you alone for the rest of your life," Said Deadpool.
Waiting for a response, he didn't hear Vanessa say anything.
"I'm going to interpret the silence as you agreeing with what I just said," Said Deadpool.
Just like when he was here earlier, Wade took a breath to compose himself. Once he felt better, he began to explain his past actions.
"Vanessa, for the years we have been separated, I told everypony the reason why I left was because I didn't want to leave you with a dead pony; so you didn't have to grieve for me," Said Deadpool.
He closed his eyes, embracing himself for Vanessa to yell at him. As the seconds went by, such a reaction never came. Relieved, he continued his explanation.
"I told that story for so long, yet I now question if that was actually true," Said Deadpool. "After leaving here, I met with a friend who helped me realize that it might have been a lie I had told myself to forget the real reason why I had left. After I was diagnosed with cancer, it shook me to my core. When the likelihood of me dying sinked in, it thrust my past into that moment."
Deadpool could feel tears building up in the corners of his eyes, but he kept them at bay.
"Vanessa… I left you all those years ago because for once in my life, I was afraid to die," Said Deadpool, holding back a sob. "Before I met you, my life was nothing but neglect, bullying, and self-hate. I wasn't afraid to die as a mercenary, soldier, or a victim of my own depression because I didn't have anything that I would mind leaving behind. But then you came into my life, and you gave me hope. When we were together, you helped me believe that I would have a future, that I would have somepony who genuinely loved me. Because of that, I was happy."
"But then I got cancer," Said Deadpool sadly. "Knowing my odds of surviving were slim, I was afraid. I didn't want to be afraid anymore, so I left you and the future we were going to make because I erroneously believed that by being left with nothing, I would be able to die peacefully. It's only fitting that act of true selfishness backfired hard. As quickly as I decided to leave, I regretted my decision. No longer having you hurt more than the cancer that was slowly killing me. I should've came back to you, to try to beg for your forgiveness, but in a moment of weakness, I took an offer to take part in illegal experiments to get rid of my cancer, believing that I would be able to both get rid of my cancer and get you back. I guess both assumptions ended up being wrong."
CREAK!
Hearing the door creak open, Deadpool saw Vanessa standing beneath the doorframe. Instead of seeing a look of rage on her face, she appeared to be sad.
"You still have cancer?" Asked Vanessa.
Surprised by the question she posed to him, Deadpool nonetheless answered it.
"Yeah… The experiments made it so almost nothing can kill me, but at the cost of accelerating my cancer. It's the main reason why I wear this," Said Deadpool while pointing at his ensemble.
"Can I see your face, Wade?" Asked Vanessa.
Finding it difficult to speak, Deadpool nodded his head. He grabbed a hold of his mask with both of his front hooves, then pulled it off. He revealed his face, scarred by numerous tumors. Both ponies looked at each other for nearly a minute, then tears formed in the corners of Vanessa's eyes. She then shook her head to regain her composure.
"It's true. You really are telling the truth," Said Vanessa in sad disbelief.
Deadpool nodded his head sullenly.
"Vanessa, I didn't seek you out, hoping to be your coltfriend again. I've moved on, and I would say you have as well. I also don't expect us to be friends. Hell, this is most likely the last time we'll ever see each other. All that I want is for you to understand why I did what I did, and, in spite of everything that I did, I hope you can find it somewhere within you to forgive me," Said Deadpool hopefully.
Vanessa took a moment to think about everything that had just happened and what Deadpool asked her. She looked at him hesitantly. Deadpool readied himself for her to reject his apology again. After a few moments, she leaned forward and hugged him.
"I forgive you, Wade," Whispered Vanessa.
Deadpool was taken aback by his ex hugging him, but he reciprocated the hug. Suddenly, Deadpool's cutie mark glowed and pulsated, indicating he completed his friendship problem.
(We did it…! We actually did it!)
Seeing his ex's flank glow, Vanessa let go of Deadpool and took a couple steps back.
"Why is your ass glowing?!" Asked Vanessa.
"It's a long story. You got a few minutes?" Asked Deadpool.
"I suppose," Replied Vanessa.
"Cool," Said Deadpool. "So a while ago…"
Eleven minutes later…
"And that's why my ass is glowing," Said Deadpool.
"Normally, I call BS on your stories, but considering how you got your powers, I believe it," Said Vanessa.
"My life has gotten a lot stranger since you and I were a couple," Said Deadpool.
"I would say so," Said Vanessa.
Both ponies stood in awkward silence for a moment.
"Well, I should return to Ponyville. I'm sure Twilight is worried I blew up Manehattan or something," Said Deadpool.
"Hold on, Wade. Before you go, I have something that you should take with you," Said Vanessa.
Vanessa went into her apartment, leaving Deadpool to wait for her. After half a minute, she returned. Using her magic, she gave him a small black box. With a look of astonishment on his mask, Deadpool lifted the top of the box, revealing an elegant diamond ring.
"... Is this what I think it is?" Asked Deadpool in disbelief.
"Mm-hmm. The engagement ring you bought after you proposed to me," Said Vanessa.
"Well, Vanessa, I'm honored, but I'm afraid I'm already in a committed relationship with Twilight," Said Deadpool.
"Oh boy…" Said Vanessa while shaking her head slowly. "No, that's not why I gave you the ring back."
"Then why did you give it to me? And why did you hold onto it after everything that had happened?" Asked Deadpool.
"Cause one, that ring was worth a lot of money to just get rid of. Second, even though I was mad at you for a while, I wanted to hold onto something to remember you by when I presumed you were dead. And the reason why I am giving it to you is because when you're ready, I want you to give that ring to your marefriend, and you better promise that if you do get engaged to her, you will see it through," Said Vanessa.
Deadpool looked at the ring, then smiled under his mask.
"That's a promise that I certainly as hell will keep," Said Deadpool.
"Good, because I will find you if you leave her before her wedding day," Said Vanessa sternly.
"What is it with my exes threatening me that they'll kill me if I hurt Twilight?"Asked Deadpool to himself. "I'll definitely keep that noted. Anyway, I have a friend who's waiting for me, so I'll get out of your mane now."
"Well then, I won't keep you any longer. Goodbye, Wade," Said Vanessa warmly.
"Goodbye, Vanessa," Said Deadpool warmly.
As Deadpool walked down the hallway, he felt a weight being lifted off of his shoulders. As Vanessa was about to shut the door, a thought came to her mind.
"Wade!" Said Vanessa.
Deadpool stopped walking and looked back at her.
"Based on what you said on how you got your superpowers, your life definitely sucked more than mine," Said Vanessa.
Deadpool chuckled in response.
"Well, I think it's safe to say that both of our lives are better now," Said Deadpool.
Vanessa nodded her head in agreement.
"See you later, Red," Said Vanessa.
Vanessa then closed the door behind her, and Deadpool went down stairs to meet up with Dopinder outside the apartment.
A few hours later…
In the Castle of Friendship's library, Twilight was organizing her massive book collection. She was hovering in front of one of the top shelves, placing a thick reference book towards the middle of the shelf.
CREAK!
Hearing one of the doors creak open, Twilight looked and saw Deadpool walking into the room.
"Wade!"
Twilight flew down and hugged her coltfriend.
"How did the mission go?" Asked Twilight.
"Surprisingly, it went well. I encountered a few bumps in the road, but I was able to get 'er done," Answered Deadpool.
"Oh, good. What was the problem?" Asked Twilight.
(Should we tell her?)
(Yes!)
"So, the problem was… personal," Said Deadpool.
"Personal?" Said Twilight inquisitively.
"Yeah. Uh, do you remember Vanessa?" Asked Deadpool.
"Yeah. Why?" Asked Twilight.
"Well, the friendship problem I had to solve was apologizing to her after I had left her all those years ago," Explained Deadpool.
"Oh! Well, are things better between you two now?"Asked Twilight tentatively.
"I wouldn't say we're friends, it's more like we won't get into a one-sided drunken spat if we encountered each other in the same bar," Said Deadpool.
"Oh, well that's good," Said Twilight in relief.
"Don't worry, she and I haven't gotten back together. Vanessa's a beautiful mare, but I would never cheat on you," Said Deadpool.
"I know you wouldn't. I'm sorry if I sounded envious," Said Twilight.
"It's alright," Said Deadpool.
"Regardless, I hope you know that I am proud of you, Wade. You not only solved a friendship problem, you were also able to rectify a mistake you made in the past," Said Twilight.
"Thanks, Twi. After everything that transpired today, I plan on not making any more mistakes. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to get ready for bed. Today kicked my ass in more ways than one," Said Deadpool.
"Alright. I'll join you in a few minutes," Said Twilight warmly.
Deadpool and Twilight gave each other a kiss, then the former left the library. Twilight grabbed a book that was lying on the table, then flew up towards the third highest shelf.
KA-BOOM!
An explosion occurred outside the library, causing something to be launched into the room. Seeing it was Deadpool, Twilight teleported her book away and flew down to him. Deadpool was in rough shape, missing his lower body and half of his right foreleg, and part of his large intestine was sticking out.
"Wade! What happened?!" Asked Twilight concerningly.
"I (cough) was putting my shit away, but then I accidentally struck a stick of dynamite against an emergency flare," Said Deadpool in pain.
In an instant, Twilight went from concerned to impassive.
"So much for not making any more mistakes. At least you didn't blow up Manehattan," Said Twilight with a sigh.
Fin.
What's up, everypony?! Hope you all enjoyed the latest chapter "Deadpool: Mercenary of Harmony"! This story takes place during the episode "Spice Up Your Life". I apologize for the long absence. Besides some hurdles from my personal life, this chapter went through a couple of revisions (especially the beginning and middle sections) because I wanted to ensure it was at its best quality given its importance to Deadpool's character arc. While I can't make any promises, I will try to publish the next chapter sooner than this one. Regardless, I hope you all enjoyed, and be sure to stay tuned! Until next time, this has been the ThePhantomArchives, and I hope you all have a good day!