"Alright boys, you've done some good work. How 'bout we head back for the day?"

Shinji let his head fall back with a sigh, the sun glowing bright and white through his closed eyelids. "Oh, finally..."

The sound of dirt-muffled footsteps made Shinji look forward again, neck aching.

"Wow, you got a good one there, Shinji; nice webbing and everything. Wanna bring that back with you?"

He smiled weakly. Crouching back down, Shinji pulled a knife from his pocket in a sweating hand and severed the large fruit from the vine. Even though it wasn't very heavy, his arms and legs still strained when he picked up the melon and began walking with it.

He followed Kaji back to the makeshift pavilion that'd been erected not far from his rows of precious melons. With the lack of angel attacks they'd been experiencing for the past few months - much to everyone's intense relief - Kaji had the time to focus on his hobby, and thus, the little garden he once had was now much more of a large-leaved, sprawling field than anything else.

With the amount of yield he was getting now, it became imperative he got help with tending it all, and Shinji was quick to respond. At first, he wasn't sure why he was so eager to help, but after some consideration, he supposed it was because the lack of angels, aside from being relieving, gave him this sort of empty, non-productive feeling he couldn't quite get rid of. Helping Kaji like this filled that unpleasant uselessness a bit. It also helped Shinji understand why Kaji liked gardening so much; there was something so calming and fulfilling about watching nature grow. He never would've assumed work could be fun too, not when his other job was always so stressful. But these gardening days really were enjoyable. Especially when another friend had joined.

"Do you think you put on enough sunscreen, Kaworu? You burned pretty badly the last time."

"Oh, I'll be alright. Thank you for this, Ryoji-san." Kaworu slipped off the baseball cap Kaji lent him and shook out his hair. Many of the strands stood up frizzly, but the fair boy neglected to fix it further.

Kaji tossed the hat casually on top of the mini fridge he was using as a table, turning then to Shinji. "Here we go. I think you both deserve a treat after all the help. I'm guessing you've never had watermelon before, have you, Kaworu?"

Kaworu shook his head. "No, I haven't."

"Well then," Kaji smiled, finally taking the melon from Shinji's arms, which allowed him to wipe the sweat from his face.

Noticing this, Kaji laid the fruit on the centered fold-out table and tapped on the surge protector near his foot, awakening the whirring industrial fans around the perimeter. Shinji sighed in relief as a cool breeze hit the back of his neck. He joined Kaworu as he curiously watched Kaji steady the melon with one hand, holding a knife over it.

"We got some good ones this season. This big, yellow patch here," Kaji poked it with the knife, "that means it's sweeter inside. A lot of them had good color; I was surprised." Kaji centered the knife and slid it down through the melon, then again, cutting it into equal fours.

Kaworu made a sound of wonderment as Kaji separated the wedges and smoothly cut one down its length. "It's red inside!"

Kaji chuckled, chopping the skinnier wedge into edible slices. "You know, the rinds used to take up a lot more space inside watermelons hundreds of years ago. These things were mostly tasteless and white; seeds were bigger too."

Shinji looked down at the slice Kaji handed to him. "What, really? How come they changed so much, then?"

Handing another slice to Kaworu, Kaji turned back to his worktable, swiftly cutting up the rest of the melon. "There's this thing humans do called 'selective breeding.' Maybe you've learned about it in school?"

Shinji and Kaworu both shook their heads. Kaji shrugged, piling up the newly cut slices he was making. "Eh, well, basically, it's when we carefully breed some living species for a few generations until it develops features that we like." He reached into a drawer nearby, pulling out a few plastic containers, which he began filling with melon slices. "That's why there are so many breeds of dog. They all came from wolves, but we wanted to specialize them for different uses. You know: hunting, guiding, fighting, and so on." He pulled up a fold-out chair, sat down, and crossed a leg over his knee. "Some stayed big and strong, others got small and fluffy. They became what we wanted then to be."

Shinji sat down on a chair too. "So... we bred watermelons to have more flesh?"

"Sure did," Kaji nodded.

"You lilin really are astonishing. To have so much control over the Earth..." Kaworu looked admiringly down at his slice.

Kaji's head fell back slightly, and he smirked. "Yeah, we sure love to play God. We just can't help but mess with what's not our business."

Looking out across the now fruitless field of leaves and dirt, Shinji furrowed his eyebrows. "I guess I never really thought about that... but that's not necessarily a bad thing, is it? I mean, watermelons are still a part of nature. It's not like we ruined them."

Kaji shook his head lightly. "No, you're right, Shinji. They're no less natural or healthy than they used to be. They're just... different now. But there's nothing wrong with change."

"Mmm..." Kaworu voiced, apparently taking his first bite. "Especially not when those changes produce something this delicious."

Shinji glanced at Kaworu, before mimicking him, running his teeth through his melon slice. It was the most flavorful watermelon he'd ever tasted. They were usually a lot blander, but this one was perfectly sweet. He smiled slightly. "Ah, this is pretty good, Kaji-san."

Kaji laughed again. "That's good to hear. Means I can sell the rest for a good price." He stood back up, strolling over to the edge of the awning. "I know you both just help out because, but you deserve some compensation, I think. Maybe I can start giving you wages."

Surprised, Shinji blustered, "Y-You don't have to do that. I mean, I really do just have fun helping out." He hesitated for a second, then mumbled, "Although... I guess harvesting day was a lot more draining than I expected."

Shrugging with a smile, Kaji shook a pack of cigarettes loose from his pocket, angling a fan to his back. Shinji knew he didn't like smoking near the melons, on account of keeping them fresh. "Well, hey, women like a hardworking man" he encouraged, lighting a cigarette hanging from his lips. "I'm sure you'll get some attention once they see how strong you are."

Shinji took another bite of his slice, squirming uncomfortably. "Very funny..."

Puffing out towards the sky, Kaji held the stick in his fingers and continued, good-naturedly, "I mean it, Shinji. The two of you are at that age where those things start to matter."

Sometimes, he really wished Kaji wouldn't talk so casually about romance. It always had a way of making Shinji feel awkward. Not that it was Kaji's fault he was so easily flustered, but still, why did he have to talk about it so much?

Glancing to the side, Shinji realized his grey-haired companion was staring at the back of Kaji's head curiously.

"That age where... what starts to matter?"

Kaji raised an eyebrow, turning to Kaworu. "I mean dating."

Kaworu stared back blankly.

The cigarette between Kaji's fingers flicked off a few particles of ash as he tapped it with a sigh, before replacing it in his mouth. "The old men really kept you cooped up for way too long." He shook his head. "Well, when boys go through puberty," he nodded significantly at both of them. Shinji felt like shriveling up. "I assume you at least know about that?"

Glancing momentarily at Shinji, Kaworu nodded. "Of course. Puberty describes the period during which young lilin reach sexual maturity and undergo a number of physiological changes."

"Right..." Kaji nodded.

Had they not been discussing such an embarrassing topic, Shinji would've been fighting back a laugh. It was so odd how Kaworu could be simultaneously knowledgeable and absolutely clueless at the same time.

"Well," the man continued through a breath of smoke, "'Physiological changes,' as you put it, mostly means developing sexual attraction; girls start looking a lot more appealing at your age." Shinji tried to distract himself by eating quicker, though it was difficult to shut out Kaji's voice, even above the buzz of the fans. "When two people like each other, they start dating. I'm sure you've heard the term 'couple' before."

Tilting his head, Kaworu responded unabashedly, "Ah, so it's like courtship?"

Shinji choked on his food, eyes watering. The other two looked at him, Kaji smiling slightly.

"Help me out here, Shinji. You've had crushes, right?"

Shinji blushed vibrantly. "I-I don't know!" He tensed defensively. Why did it have to be him? "I mean, I-I guess I've thought some girls are... are cute before, but..." he lowered his voice, looking down, "I've never felt anything serious..."

Grunting, Kaji turned back out to look at the sky, taking another drag. "Huh, I was a lot more curious than either of you." He exhaled, glancing back at Kaworu. "What about you? Ever notice yourself especially drawn to a girl in your class before?"

Kaworu hummed thoughtfully as he finished his watermelon slice, strolling over to drop it into the compost nearby. "Oh, well in that regard, I often like observing my peers. But the female lilin in the class are no more interesting than the male lilin. At least from what I've gathered." He smiled in an oddly charming way. "You're all equally fascinating!"

The other two exchanged a slightly disconcerted glance. Kaji sighed, walking back into the shade to put out his cigarette. "If you'd like my advice, Kaworu, I think you ought to stop 'observing' people and start doing some field work instead. I know you're still figuring this human thing out."

"Field work?" Kaworu echoed the term, obviously confused, but intrigued nonetheless.

Shinji restlessly tapped his fingers against the metal of his fold-out chair. He sort of agreed with Kaji's sentiment in wanting to help Kaworu out. Kaworu could certainly use some help with integrating, but Shinji was also certain that he didn't want to be a part of this discussion, like, at all. Kaworu may have no reservations when it came to talking about romance and puberty, but Shinji sure did.

Which is why the buzz he felt against his leg came as a very coincidental relief.

"A-Ah, I'm sorry, Kaji-san. Misato-san needs me home soon." He scanned the LCD screen of his phone, shoulders dropping. "...To 'help' with some chores." Of course even his saving grace was bittersweet.

"That's alright, Shinji. You've given me all the help I need. And wait just a moment..." He crossed back to his table, grabbing a couple containers of pre-cut melon. "Take these with you, alright? Share some with the gals back at home."

Shinji accepted the fruit, smiling slightly. "Well, I know Asuka will eat some as long as she knows they're from you."

The laugh Kaji let out sounded slightly strained. "At least they'll get eaten, right?"

Kaworu came forward slightly. "It's been wonderful seeing you, Shinji-kun. I do hope we'll be able to spend time together again soon."

Shinji felt strangely flustered as he attempted a smile similar to Kaworu's, though not achieving its charm. They hadn't really spoken today, seeing as this session was much more work intensive than usual. Shinji had been a little disappointed, if he was being honest, so getting some recognition was pleasant, even if it was just during goodbyes.

"Y-Yeah, I hope so too, Kaworu-kun. I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"See you then," Kaworu responded warmly.

Shinji tore his eyes from Kaworu's captivating smile to nod once more to Kaji, turning to leave the comfortable shade of the pavilion.

"Thanks again for all the help, Shinji! Hopefully Misato doesn't work you too hard!" Kaji took up his seat again, returning his attention to the still present boy. "Now, as I was saying..."

The conversation faded to distant murmuring the farther Shinji walked, until all he could hear with the crunching of grass beneath his feet. Wearily, he turned to look over his shoulder one last time. He couldn't explain why, but he just had this hesitant feeling he couldn't shake. Sure, Kaworu was kind of socially inept, but was girl advice really the thing he needed right now? Was Kaji really doing him a favor? Honestly, Shinji thought Kaworu could benefit from learning about a lot of other topics before he got to his love life. Wasn't it too soon to think about girls?

...Or maybe he was just being silly. Kaji was right: it wasn't like Shinji had never taken an interest in the girls in his life; he was at that age, just liked he'd said. It was probably weirder that Kaworu hadn't started thinking about dating before now, so Shinji supposed it was about time.

But still... the image of Kaworu dating seemed so strange, yet he couldn't exactly place why. It wasn't like it was because he was a social outcast; Kaworu was friendly, charming, intelligent, and attractive, and he'd already gotten a lot of attention at school. He was one of the more popular kids, so if anything, it should've been shocking that he'd never had a girlfriend before. But no matter how he tried to justify it, Shinji still just felt weird about the whole thing. Maybe it was because he was an angel... or maybe, it was something else entirely.

Shinji shook his head, turning up the volume on his SDAT as he waited for the train to reach his stop. Honestly, it shouldn't even matter to him this much. Kaworu was his friend, so it was understandable he'd worry about his social life a little, but this much? Wasn't that odd in itself?

He had no real reason to be worried, he reassured himself. Kaji's advice had never been harmful before, so why should it be now? He was sure everything would end up fine... at least, that's what he'd like to convince himself to.

After all, how much could things possibly change in just one day?

...

"Hey, where'd ya get those, Ikari? I didn't think they were in season this time of year."

Shinji looked up at Kensuke, who was eyeing the melon he'd packed himself for lunch today. "Oh, Kaji-san has his own garden. I was helping him out yesterday."

Toji shoveled a dumpling into his mouth, talking through his food. "Ain't that the scruffy dude your babe of a caregiver is seein'?

"...More or less," Shinji said. For all of Kaji's knowledge on love, it was pretty ironic how he'd been stuck in a situationship with one woman for so many years.

"Ugh, he's so lucky," Kensuke groaned. "Could'ya imagine how amazing it would be to date the Major?"

Toji barked out a laugh. "Damn, bro, you really got a thing for chicks in power."

"And gimme one good reason why I shouldn't be! Badass chicks are hot!" He sighed. "At least you get to live with her Ikari. One step closer to my dream..."

Shinji made a face at Kensuke. "I like Misato-san a lot, but I could never imagine dating someone like her..." He sifted momentarily through the reasons why that image in his brain was horrible, and settled on, "...She seems like she'd be a lot." He closed his eyes. "I mean, I already have to clean up her messes all the time."

Toji snorted and said something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like "housewife," but before Shinji could defend himself, Kaworu spoke from beside him, poking absently at his food and staring into space.

"Oh, that reminds me; I have a date after school."

That shut all of them up. The three boys turned to Kaworu, equally wide-eyed and slack-jawed. Kaworu blinked, falling from space and looking around at them, rather confused at the sudden interest. "What?"

Kensuke recovered his voice first, echoing Kaworu. "'What?' Dude, you can't just drop that on us!"

Kaworu smiled lightly, still puzzled. "I can't?"

"Details, Nagisa, damn!" Toji leaned over the table towards him. "Who is this chick?!"

"Ah, yes," Kaworu linked his hands under his chin. "Minato-san. I'm not sure what class she's in... but she came to speak with me this morning to ask me out on a date."

Toji and Kensuke exchanged a look of deep astonishment. "Nagisa, you serious? I mean, how come you wait 'til now to date a girl? You've been asked out how many times, and you're just talking about this like it's no big deal?"

Crossing his arms, Toji added, "The hell's up wit that man? I mean, this chick must be pretty damn hot if you're acceptin' her."

"...I suppose she is pretty," the pale boy said, though not with much enthusiasm. "But I just thought I ought to show more interest in the girls who approach me."

"Eh?" Kensuke furrowed his eyebrows. "That makes it sound like you don't even like her, Nagisa."

Kaworu hummed. "Well, I do like her... I think." He took a quick bite of his lunch, continuing in a thoughtful tone, "But I won't know if I really like her until I give her a chance, will I?"

Kensuke squinted slightly, then turned to the boy next to Kaworu instead. "What do you think about this, Ikari?" He blinked. "Uh, Ikari?"

"H-Huh?" Shinji's head shot up, his eyes ungluing from the table.

"Don'tcha think it's weird Nagisa's suddenly dating around?"

Shinji glanced at Kensuke quickly. Why did his face feel so hot all of a sudden? "I-I mean I, uh, I don't know." He looked back down at the table. "It's... it's not like he's banned from going out with anyone... if that's what he wants to do..." He thought he felt Kaworu's eyes on him, but for some reason, he couldn't stand to look back.

"...Y'know, I think it's 'bout time you got some game, Nagisa! Good on ya for finally playin'."

Following Toji's praise, the bell rang, and there was a shuffle as everyone resumed their original seats.

Shinji stared at the surface of his desk. He felt like a chasm had dug itself into his stomach ever since Kaworu had uttered the word 'date.' How could things have escalated this quickly? Kaworu only learned what dating was yesterday, and he was already accepting a date from whatever girl tried to ask? He'd never even heard of this "Minato" before, and apparently, neither had Kaworu until just this morning. Who even was she?

He tensed his hands restlessly all throughout the lesson, not even bothering to take notes. He couldn't focus, not when the vague image of Kaworu holding hands with a girl kept popping into his head. A pretty girl, one in league with Kaworu, with long shiny hair, and blue eyes, and a smug smile, and a stupid, vapid face-

Shinji shook his head. What in the world was that about? He looked out the window, feeling slightly worried. Sure, he might not know this girl, but that didn't mean he could just jump to conclusions like that. It really shouldn't be a big deal that Kaworu knew people he didn't. After all, it's not like they were the same person...

...Although, Kaworu often stuck to him like they were. The two of them had always been close, both emotionally and physically, and Shinji was comfortable in saying that Kaworu was his closest friend by far. So, maybe he was just upset because Kaworu hadn't told him about his date before now. But still... it wasn't like this whole date thing was going to ruin their friendship.

So, why did it feel like it would?

Shinji closed his eyes. 'Don't be stupid."

The relationship forming between Kaworu and that girl was completely different than what Shinji had with him. They were friends, simple as that. There was absolutely no reason to feel any sense of resentment towards that girl. None at all.

Shinji just wished he could make himself understand that.

The school day flew by a lot quicker than usual, though Shinji wasn't surprised. He'd always found time passed that way when he was overthinking things. Just as the bell rang for dismissal, however, Shinji grew even more anxious. He forgot to consider how he always walked with Kaworu at the end of the school day, so he only now realized how awkward that walk would be today.

An unsettled squirming spawned in his stomach as Kaworu walked over to him, however that feeling seemed to fizzle out as his friend said, "I'm deeply sorry, Shinji-kun... but Minato-san asked me to go out with her right after school."

Actually, no feeling at all was left in his stomach.

Shinji smiled mechanically. "O-Oh, okay." He opened his mouth again in an attempt to add "have fun," but the words got stuck in his throat.

He stood up to hide his muteness, turning away from Kaworu. As truly apologetic as he looked, Shinji didn't want to see his expression.

"There's still tomorrow. I'll look forward to being in your company then," Kaworu reassured warmly. "And I'll get to see you after synchronization this week, won't I?"

Shinji made an odd grunt which neither confirmed nor denied Kaworu's question, but he didn't have the time to ask it again before Shinji turned, bag over his shoulder, and walked from the classroom. He thought he heard Kaworu say something else, but the world seemed deafened.

Swallowing down a lump forming in his throat, Shinji sped-walk back home, completely alone.

What was wrong with him?

...

"Hey, idiot Shinji! Stop moping; you need to help me out here!"

Shinji curled up tighter beneath his blankets. His room was bathed in pitch darkness, the only light penetrating it glowed dimly from his SDAT.

He flinched irritatingly as his door slid open. "Did you hear me? Hey, it's way too early to sleep!"

Shinji groaned, shutting his eyes tight. "Get out of my room, Asuka. Just leave me alone..."

Even without turning around, he could picture the sour frown she was wearing right now. He really didn't have the energy to fight her back.

"Are you deaf? I told you to come out and help me."

Shinji glared into his pillow. "We split chore days for a reason! You can do them yourself, so I'm not gonna help you with yours anymore!' He tightened his hold on his blanket. "Maybe ask Misato-san to stop being lazy for once so she can help you instead!"

Obviously taken aback by his sudden tongue, Asuka didn't take long to recover. "Since when have you had that giant stick up your ass?" A few seconds of silence were interrupted as Asuka went on. "Jeez, how jealous could you be?"

Shinji's heart skipped. He turned slightly towards his door. "Wh-What?"

Asuka clicked her tongue. "Seriously? You and those clowns you call your friends talk way too loud. The pervert got a girlfriend, and now you're all angsty because he isn't clinging to you like a leech anymore."

"Th-That's not true!" His voice cracked, and he blushed. "I don't care if Kaworu-kun spends time with someone else; he can do whatever he wants..."

"Uhuh," Asuka voiced, tone dripping with sarcasm. "Then you're just whining in bed like a baby for some completely unrelated reason. Right." She tapped her foot impatiently. "You know, there's a really easy solution to all this. Maybe you don't want to admit it to yourself, but you know deep down what it is."

"..."

"Ugh, you wuss. Whenever you stop throwing this little tantrum, let me know. Have a good time rotting in your room, Idiot Shinji."

She slid the door promptly behind her, once again leaving Shinji in complete darkness. He screwed up his face and pressed a pillow over the back of his head.

What the hell did that even mean? 'A really easy solution?' As if Asuka knew what she was talking about... as if she understood Shinji's feelings better than him. All she knew how to do was make him feel stupid.

Shinji huffed and turned over in bed, eyes focusing on his alarm clock. School had ended almost an hour ago, so Kaworu must already be well into his little date with that girl. The two of them were probably cozied up in the corner of some cafe, talking about who knew what. She was probably laughing at whatever he said just to seem "cute." Shinji felt like bile was rising in his throat.

Kaworu was smiling at her from across that table right now. He was doing that thing he did whenever he was admiring something - where he rested a hand under his chin and tilted his head slightly. Shinji's stomach twisted.

Kaworu was saying her name in his silky, warm voice. She was certainly melting just from the sound of it. He was reaching out his hand, casually resting it on top of hers, sharing his warmth with her... exactly as he had the first time he and Shinji bathed together all those months ago.

Kaworu's warmth wasn't his anymore.

Something hot formed behind Shinji's eyes. He blinked automatically, a tear streaming down his face. He gasped shakily, his throat clenching up. He was crying.

He swallowed, trying to keep himself under control, but that stupid, ugly picture he'd formed in his head wouldn't go away. Kaworu was with a girl. They were talking and laughing and touching, and Shinji wasn't there, but he could still see it.

He realized it with a shock that only brought more tears and more uncontrolled breathing.

Shinji wanted to be the one in that girl's place. He wanted to get rid of her, to shake Kaworu and tell him he didn't need her. He didn't need any girl. All he needed was Shinji.

He turned his face into his pillow, muffling the sounds he couldn't hold back.

He wanted Kaworu. He wanted him so badly. How long had he been fooling himself into thinking his feelings for him were friendly? And why, why did it have to take Kaworu getting a girlfriend for him to realize they weren't?

But this wasn't right, no matter how he looked at it. Even if Kaworu stopped seeing that girl, the two of them were still boys. Shinji wasn't supposed to feel this way, and the two of them were never meant to be together.

Kaworu was dating a girl, like he was supposed to. That's what was right.

Why did everything have to be so horrible?

...

His fingers drummed rhythmically on the desk as he laid his head in his arms. He knew he wasn't supposed to listen to music at school, but the bell hadn't rung yet, and Shinji really wasn't sure he could last the morning without static in his brain. As long as he stared determinedly out the window with headphones in - even if his neck was really starting to ache - he could avoid having to interact with anyone, especially anyone with silver hair. It was the only solution his sleep-deprived brain could think of this morning. So, he was glad when ten minutes later, the faint bell penetrated his music, signifying the start of class. He'd made it.

He was certain he'd cricked his neck from how long he refused to look to his right, but if it meant he wouldn't start crying in the middle of class, then it didn't matter. Because he was certain a single look at the source of his recent emotions would bring them crashing out of him like a tidal wave, and that was the last thing he wanted.

He poured far more concentration than usual into his classes today, taking note of every little thing his teachers said, consciously rereading passages in his book, and reworking math problems if he finished too quickly. All of it was the dam preventing his thoughts from leaking where they didn't belong.

The sound of the lunch bell made him freeze momentarily. He quickly glanced around the class, alarmed to see a certain figure looking in his direction. Shinji forcefully kept his eyes glued to the door of the room, packing up quickly and slipping out before Kensuke, Toji, or... anyone else could follow him. He let out a sigh, walking more slowly. Not quite sure of where to go now, having just pulled that escape plan from thin air, Shinji's feet directed him slowly up the stairs to the roof.

As the doors closed behind him, a warm breeze blew against his face, carrying with it the quiet chatter of the few students who chose to eat there. He turned his head, scanning the area, before he recognized a pale girl sitting on a bench nearby.

"Ah, Ayanami, I didn't know you ate up here."

The blue-haired girl looked back up at Shinji, face familiarly emotionless, although Shinji thought he detected something curious underlying her blankness.

She nodded, then said quietly, "What are you doing here?"

Shinji forced a smile. "I-I guess I just wanted a little quiet."

Rei kept her piercing eyes trained on Shinji's face. He had the sneaking suspicion she wasn't quite convinced. "You can sit, if you'd like."

Blinking, Shinji nodded, then sat beside her. He held his bag in his arms, hesitating to take out his food. He didn't feel very hungry. It also occurred to him that the quiet made it a lot easier for his thoughts to turn sour, but it was still preferable to going back to the classroom.

"...Are you unhappy, Ikari-kun?"

Shinji turned his head, surprised. "Wh-What?"

Rei blinked slowly back at him, then looked forward again. "You are avoiding that which makes you emotional. You're choosing to run from your feelings."

The chasm in Shinji's chest felt lengthened suddenly. His heart dropped a few inches down it. "I-I'm just..." he swallowed, "Just a little stressed right now."

Rei looked back at him again. Shinji almost felt like her eyes had a magnetic pull to them. "If you want to achieve the happiness you desire, you have to confront your feelings first." Shinji's mouth fell open slightly. "Fifth doesn't know how you feel inside. Not if you don't open up to him."

That horrible lump rose again in Shinji's throat. He blinked the sudden rush of liquid away from his eyes. "H-How do you..." Shaking his head, he looked away from her, down to his lap. For whatever reason, it didn't feel wrong to tell Rei about this.

"B-But he... he can't know. I'm not even supposed to feel this way about him."

"Yet you do feel this way. Fifth can tell there is something bothering you. He wants to understand."

Shinji swallowed and looked up at the sky. He felt a crack form in the dam. A tear glistened at the corner of his eye, but he wiped it away.

"...You deserve to be happy, Ikari-kun. You should not deprive yourself of that."

Shinji turned his head down again. This time, he couldn't stop the tears from falling, and even though Rei was watching, he didn't feel embarrassed.

"I-I'm just... so scared. Why does it have to be like this?"

Rei's quiet voice followed the wind. "You will learn to accept your feelings, even if they are strange. I've learned that repressing what you feel only makes things worse."

A tear streaked its way down his neck and fell onto his lap. Shinji continued to cry quietly beside Rei, but she didn't say anything else, nor did she display any discomfort at his emotional state. She just continued to eat, allowing him to fill the silence with occasional sniffling. He wondered how he could ever feel this comfortable crying right next to someone.

After nearly ten minutes, Shinji calmed himself down enough to wipe his eyes. He really hoped his face wouldn't look too puffy and red once he went back inside. Wanting to check himself quickly in the bathroom before going back to class, he stood up sniffling one last time.

"U-Um, thank you, Ayanami." He wasn't sure exactly what he was thanking her for, but he felt grateful for something he couldn't quite explain.

Rei nodded, eyes still focusing intently on him. Getting a sudden idea, Shinji fished quickly inside of his bag. "Ah, h-here, I don't know if you've ever tried watermelon before, but I have a lot to share."

The pale girl accepted the melon slice without protest as Shinji zipped his bag back up. A tiny, familiar smile formed on her face. "Thank you too."

Shinji responded with a similar smile, then turned to leave.

"Good luck, Ikari-kun."

...

He had no idea where he was going.

It wasn't the first time Shinji had resorted to mindlessly walking around the city, although it had been a long while since he'd last been pushed to that length. But he just couldn't think of any other way to shake off his shame.

Earlier when school ended, Kaworu had quickly stood from his seat to walk over to his friend, and Shinji made the grave mistake of making eye contact before he could rush out of the room. He'd ignored Kaworu outright. He'd never done that before. Never.

He could feel his face reddening even now. The icky crawl of guilt was all over his body, and he just couldn't displace it, no matter how long he tried to distract himself from it.

He really was a coward. He'd always been so open and comfortable around Kaworu, but the moment his feelings became too strong, he couldn't even look into those searching, red eyes anymore. Rei's insistence was logical. Talking to Kaworu was the only way he could take down this stupid mental block, but the thought of even trying was just... too much.

How was he supposed to tell Kaworu all that he felt? Surely, he couldn't reciprocate, not when he finally had a girlfriend. And then what? He'd reject Shinji's feelings, and their relationship would never be the same again. The comfort they'd always found in each other before would evaporate, to be replaced by an awful awkwardness. They thought made him sick to his stomach.

But then, on the other hand, Shinji could keep avoiding Kaworu until he eventually stopped trying to figure out what was wrong with Shinji. Their friendship would be completely severed, and they'd move on with their lives without each other in them. That made him sicker.

He didn't want to face either of those options, but they were all he had.

What was he supposed to do?

The springy texture of grass underfoot made Shinji look up from the ground. He'd guided himself unintentionally to Kaji's fields, and a familiar figure was standing in the distance, tending to the dirt.

Shinji froze and thought momentarily of walking quickly away to avoid the inevitable interaction, but the tall man had turned his head, and met Shinji's eyes with a look of recognition. He waved. Shinji sighed, then walked forward resignedly.

"Shinji? I didn't expect to see you here on a weekday. Something up?"

"Umm..." Shinji thought briefly, then stared hard at a patch of leaves near his feet. "Yes, actually."

Kaji gave him a searching once-over, then placed a hand on his shoulder, guiding them back to the shaded awning. "Then, let's talk."

Shinji nodded silently. He wasn't sure where this was coming from, but Shinji felt this impulsive push to talk with Kaji. Maybe it was because Kaji was approachable. Maybe it was because he knew about romance. Or maybe it was just because his advice had been the catalyst for the giant ball of emotion currently lodged in his heart.

He slowly sat down on the uncomfortable fold-out, hands in his lap. Kaji sat across from him, raising his eyebrows as Shinji kept his silence.

After a few seconds of careful consideration, Shinji opened his mouth and hesitated, "So... uh, Kaworu-kun followed your advice."

Kaji nodded slowly, watching Shinji. When the dark-haired boy just continued to stare at the ground between them, Kaji said blankly, "He got himself a girl?"

Biting his tongue, Shinji just nodded.

"...And you don't like that?"

Small hands flexed in Shinji's lap. "I... I don't think you should've given him that advice, Kaji-san." The man continued to observe Shinji intently. His hands curled into fists against his legs. "He would've been fine figuring it out by himself. Now he's just moving way too fast! I-I really don't think he knows what he's doing and... I..." He swallowed. "I'm just worried about him."

Kaji's nonresponse made Shinji look up. The last thing he expected to see on his face was a small smile. He looked like he'd finally understood something.

"Wh-What is it...?"

The gardener looked out over his field, still smiling. "I really should've read the room better before I said anything, huh?"

Shinji stared at him blankly.

"You like him, don't you, Shinji?"

Shinji's stomach squirmed violently. "Huh?! Wh-What are you talking about?!" Why did he have to go red now...?

Smiling wider still, Kaji shook his head. "Yeah, you're right. I think he already had a handle on his feelings. All I did was lead him in the wrong direction."

When he turned back to Shinji, the smile slowly dropped off his face at the sheer anxiety present in the younger boy's expression.

"Really, Shinji, I'm not judging you. If anything, this is impressive. I've known plenty of guys who've struggled with this for a lot longer than you." He leaned forward, his chair creaking. "You're figuring yourself out."

Shinji tensed and shook his head, face still flushed. "But I'm not! I haven't figured anything out; I haven't even talked to him!" He choked, "I can't... not when he's with someone else. It just hurts."

Kaji sighed. "Listen, romance isn't easy. And I can't just take back what I said to him. This is the sort of thing you just have to talk to him about yourself if you ever wanna move things along." He paused. "And I know you do."

"...But what if he doesn't like me anymore?" He hated how fragile his tone sounded. "I-I don't want to lose him because of this."

"Shinji, you know him better than anyone. Do you really think he'd stop talking to you because of this?"

He stared at his lap.

"...This isn't something you should run from. That's all I can say. Now..." Kaji stood up. "The sun's already going down. You'll wanna make your way home."

"R-Right..." Hesitating, Shinji stood up too. "Um, thanks, Kaji-san..."

"No need, Shinji," he responded, waving away his awkward gratitude. "All I want from you now is a bit of confidence. You're gonna talk to him, and soon, alright?"

His hands jittered at his sides. "Yeah... alright."

Kaji nodded. "Have a good night, Shinji."

"You too."

Shinji turned and walked from the field, following a not-so-straightforward path back home.

Everyone's advice was exactly the same. 'A really easy solution,' 'he wants to understand,' 'talk to him...' He knew they were all right. But no matter how many times he heard it, and no matter how many people said it, the action wasn't made any less intimidating.

Kaworu was possibly the best thing that'd ever happened to him, and now everything was on the brink of changing. Could he seriously handle this?

He sighed, feeling thoroughly put down as he opened Misato's apartment door, to be met with an immediate tumult of noise.

"Verdammt noch mal! Idiot Shinji, I know that's you!" The aforementioned boy flinched at Asuka's tone. "Get over here!"

Shinji groaned in displeased anticipation, turning the corner. Asuka was standing near the wall, her face etched with irritation as she held the home phone away from her ear.

"What the hell were you doing?!" Before he could respond, she pinched the bridge of her nose. "While you've been off screwing around, he's been calling nonstop for nearly two hours!"

Already with the sneaking suspicion of who Asuka meant, Shinji wavered, "Uh, he...?"

"The pervert! Once I finally picked up the phone, he said you weren't answering yours, and he wouldn't get off until he heard from you! So, get your ass over here and shut him up already!"

Shinji heard a faint voice over the phone. Asuka scoffed and pressed it to her ear. "Yeah, yeah, Shinji's here now! He's just being an avoidant, little baby!"

Stomach feeling more unsettled than ever, Shinji's mind raced. He couldn't possibly do it now - not over the phone! He needed more time!

"Tell him I'll talk to him tomorrow!"

Asuka raised an eyebrow at Shinji, still sneering. She covered the receiver, and whisper shouted. "Why the hell do I have to pass messages like you're both five years old?!"

Shinji put his hands together pleadingly. "A-Asuka please! Just tell him!"

She twitched, then said loudly into the phone, "Yeah, well, he's still avoiding you! He's too much of a baby to talk now, so he said he'll see you tomorrow!" She scrunched up her face after the voice responded. "No, I'm not making that up! He's right here and he told me to say that!" She stared hard at Shinji as Kaworu spoke again. "When tomorrow?"

Face feeling like it might catch on fire, Shinji cowered slightly. "I-I uh." He swallowed. "B-Before school...?" He regretted the words immediately; why couldn't he have said after?!

Asuka parroted his words through the phone, then immediately shoved it back to the base with a violent click. She stared at it menacingly, as if daring it to start ringing again. After nearly ten seconds, she let her head hang back and sighed laboriously. "God, finally!"

She stomped up to Shinji angrily, poking him in the chest hard. "You better fess up to him tomorrow, or else both of you are ending up in cold blood! I never wanna be caught in your gross business ever again!"

Red hair whipped Shinji's face as Asuka turned and strode back into her room, angrily sliding her door closed behind her.

Left in silence, Shinji's feet dragged as he sulked into his room, collapsing on his bed.

Two hours... was Kaworu really that worried about him? The passing, comedic thought of how high Kaworu's calls would rack up the Nerv phone bill did nothing to soften his deeply unpleasant emotions.

His dark hair mussed against the pillows as he turned his head. Obviously, Kaworu still cared if he was willing to try that hard to reach him, but honestly, that thought only made Shinji feel worse. Kaworu was doing so much just to check up with him, and here Shinji was doing just as much to avoid him. That's not what he deserved. Not at all.

Shinji's self-deprecating mindset persisted through the rest of the night, no matter how he tried to distract himself. He couldn't even focus on a plan for tomorrow, which really sucked, because he'd already agreed to a very quickly approaching deadline. An endless feedback loop of worries and nerves followed Shinji into his dreams that night.

He supposed it was a relief he never remembered his dreams.

...

Waking up the next morning, Shinji felt he might as well have just stayed up all night. He was dead tired, and nowhere closer to thinking of what he'd say to Kaworu.

He got ready slowly, wishing to draw out all the time he had, but his mind buzzed and the nervous jittering in his stomach left little room for thought. Checking the time, he groaned and walked towards the door to leave for the day. At least he'd have the walk to school to think things over. A long walk was exactly what he needed before he had to see-

"Shinji-kun."

Shinji jumped out of his skin. The moment he opened the door and walked out, he was met face to face with Kaworu, who promptly shut Shinji's front door behind him, slipping the knob away from his hand to rule out any escape routes. He needn't have bothered though; Shinji was rooted to the spot.

"Shinji-kun," Kaworu reiterated. "I have been trying to speak with you since yesterday."

"I-I know."

"You've been avoiding me since then."

"I know…"

Kaworu stepped in closer. His fair face was ridden with worry. Why did his eyes have to be so intense? He still couldn't look into them.

"If there is anything I have done to upset you, I wish to rectify it as quickly as possible. I would never mean to hurt you, Shinji-kun." He took Shinji's sweating palm. "Allow me forgiveness for whatever it is I have done. I implore you..."

The stupid lump in his throat was back, and it'd brought a rush of blood up to his face alongside it. "Y-You didn't do anything," he said weakly.

"I must have," Kaworu insisted softly. "Otherwise, you would be looking at me with those sweet eyes of yours... Just as you always have." He gently pressed his hand to Shinji's chin, attempting to guide his face upwards. Shinji flinched and scrunched his eyes shut.

"You can't touch me like that!"

Kaworu faltered. Shinji felt immediately guilty, but he couldn't keep the bitterness from rising through his throat.

"Shinji-kun...?"

All of a sudden, he couldn't stop it all from pouring out of his mouth.

"I know you talk to her just like this, and I don't wanna hear it! Not when you're just gonna turn around and give this to someone else!"

Kaworu's eyes were wide with surprise. "Someone else...? But Shinji-kun, whatever do you-"

He could feel tears pricking at his eyes as his tone rose emotionally. "I don't want you to be with her! I want you to break up with your girlfriend and take me instead!" He choked as tears flooded out. "I wanna be the only one you give this to! I-I love you, Kaworu-kun!"

Shinji broke off into a thoroughly shameful sob. He turned away and tried to hide his face, but it was hard to stop himself from making any noise. All that he'd just said - he couldn't take any of it back now. Kaworu knew how he felt, and now they'd never be the same again. Now, Kaworu knew how cowardly and jealous and fragile he really was. He'd probably just go back to his new girlfriend, and they'd laugh about that weird boy who thought he even had a chance with the person who used to be his best friend. Kaworu surely hated him now.

...So then, why did Shinji feel a gentle pair of hands lay themselves on his arms?

Kaworu turned Shinji back towards him. He slid his hands upwards, taking hold of Shinji's and pulling them away from his tear-streaked face. He couldn't see the older boy's expression through the wetness. He did, however, feel the soft press of lips against the back of his hand. He hiccupped.

"Oh, my dear Shinji-kun..." Kaworu lulled, wiping away Shinji's tears. "If only I'd known what turmoil this would cause you... Oh, I never would've considered the date in the first place." He wrapped his arms around Shinji tightly. "I am truly sorry."

"Wh-What...?" Shinji asked dimly.

Kaworu smiled. "Shinji-kun, I love you too."

Dazed, Shinji just stared at him. "L-Love me...?" Coming back to himself, he looked down, then mumbled shakily, "No...th-the love I mean is worse than yours..."

Kaworu raised Shinji's head back up. "I know which sort you mean, Shinji-kun. And I return your feelings in full."

Shaking his head, Shinji stared desperately into Kaworu's eyes. "You're already d-dating a girl." Another round of tears spiked his eyes. "You love her, not me."

Kaworu lightly pressed a finger to Shinji's lips. "Minato-san is not my girlfriend." He moved his finger to rest on Shinji's jaw.

More confused now than ever, Shinji said cluelessly, "B-But your date?"

Kaworu shook his head. "I never met her for it."

"But I thought that you... after school..." he tapered off, voice shaking.

"I knew I made a mistake the moment you left school that day." He looked imploringly and deeply into Shinji's eyes. "Ryoji-san explained to me these... feelings you lilin are possessed with when you fall for another lilin."

The angel sighed. "This desire I've always felt for you... I assumed it meant nothing more than a deep bond; he only expressed that these feelings were romantic when directed towards female lilin. But every emotion he told me about - I have experienced them all yearning for you."

Shinji couldn't believe his ears. He just stared at Kaworu in complete disbelief.

"I have been trying to tell you ever since Monday afternoon. I want to be your lover, Shinji-kun."

...And, all of a sudden, none of it mattered anymore. The girl, Kaji's advice, the date, Shinji's attempts to avoid Kaworu, the fact they were both boys. It didn't matter, because Kaworu didn't care about any of it. Because he was here anyway, and he loved Shinji back.

The chasm in his chest was filled with something equally painful and exciting. Kaworu loved him!

"Ah-!" Kaworu broke off into a giggle, having just been desperately pulled in for a hug. Shinji pressed his face against Kaworu's shoulder, gasping at the wash of relief spreading over his head to the rest of his body. Kaworu was holding him back, and he loved him! Humming, Kaworu stroked his hair. Shinji got the distinct impression he didn't want to let go.

"Oh, Shinji-kun, you never needed to worry yourself so much... I could never feel for anyone else as I do for you." He pulled Shinji closer into his embrace. "You know already how special you are to me. After all, I was born to meet you..."

Shinji closed his eyes. "I-I'm really sorry... I'm so stupid... I should've just talked to you in the first place." With everything laid out so simply like this, Shinji felt more embarrassed than ever. He couldn't have been more overdramatic about it all...

"Darling..." The word fell heavy and warm like honey on Shinji's ears. "I don't hold it against you. If I was in your place, of course, I'd feel just as distraught... I only wish I knew you returned my feelings before now." He continued consolingly, "But I know how difficult these types of things can be for you."

Shinji blushed, resting his face against Kaworu's neck, more so to hide it than anything. "You're really too sweet to me... H-How do you always know what to say?"

Kaworu laughed. "Because I'm always thinking about you."

Shinji made a noise someplace between embarrassment and pleasure. When he next opened his eyes, however, the sight of the sun already rising into the sky made him pull back from Kaworu.

"Oh! We're supposed to be at school right now! U-umm..." Struggling slightly, he realized Kaworu hadn't let go of him. He was still staring at Shinji fondly, arms insistently linked around his waist.

"Hmm, I was just thinking... I should make this confession proper, shouldn't I? As Ryoji-san said..."

Kaworu's hand raised to hold Shinji's chin. For one alarming, exhilarating moment, Shinji expected him to lean forward. Was he about to...?

"Shinji-kun, will you go on a date with me?"

Well, that was the next best thing. Shinji blinked. "A-Ah, right now?"

Kaworu tilted his head and smiled charmingly. Shinji didn't think he'd ever be able to say no to that face. And anyway, did he actually expect himself to focus on class after this?

He blushed. "I-I guess we could skip, but just this once."

Kaworu giggled, then pulled back to link their hands together. He led Shinji excitedly from the apartment door, the shorter of the two stumbling slightly.

"Oh, wonderful! Now then, where to go..."

Honestly, Shinji couldn't have cared less where they went, so he allowed Kaworu to fill the early morning silence with suggestions, listening dreamily to his voice. As long as it was with Kaworu, it didn't matter what they did. He knew he'd love it anyway.

Maybe he wasn't as opposed to change as he first suspected. Making a mental note to thank Kaji later, he allowed himself to be guided down the street, not even caring that anyone could see the two of them holding hands as they went.

What did it matter anyway?