"Have I been a crappy brother to you?" Dean asked.
"No, you've been an amazing brother," Sam stated.
"I couldn't protect you, not from the monsters, not from Lucifer, and not even from yourself," Dean stated.
"I'm responsible for my own choices, Dean. It shouldn't always be on you to protect me."
"Then whose responsibility is it Sammy? I'm the big brother. I should have seen that you were in trouble and stopped you from hurting yourself."
"You didn't see it, because I didn't want you to," Sam stated.
Dean finished opening his letter and pulled it out.
"Dear, Dean, if you're reading this then I am dead," Dean began to read.
"Dean, you don't have to read that right now," Sam stated as he fidgeted nervously with his fingers.
"Why not Sammy? I think right now is the perfect time for me to read this letter."
Sam looked absently at the flickering light in the far depths of his mind.
"I know that you're angry, I would be as well if it were you. Well…you got that part right Sammy."
"Dean…"
"Sometimes, I can't help but wonder what your life would have been like if I had never been born. Mom would still be alive, you could have been part of the happy family you always wanted. You could have another job, a wife, kids of your own, but that's not the life you were given and for that I'm sorry," Dean continued reading.
"Is this seriously what you think?" Dean asked as he looked up at Sam.
"It's true Dean, Azazel would have never been in that nursery if I had never been born."
"Maybe, maybe not. Sure, I might still have a mom, but I wouldn't have a brother. I wouldn't trade you or my relationship with you for anything," Dean stated.
"It's because you don't know the other side," Sam stated.
"I kind of do. Remember when the Djinn drugged me? I saw what my life would have been like if Mom had never died. Sure, I was happy, I had you and Mom, but it wasn't real. I gave up on that fantasy to be with you, the real you. I couldn't leave you out here on your own. I chose you, so why did you stop choosing me?"
"I didn't have another choice," Sam stated.
"I know that you think I'm giving up, but I'm saving the world. I can't keep saying no to Lucifer and since I'm gone, he won't be strong enough to see the Apocalypse through. It's not too late for you. Give up hunting, find a wife, and have some kids. I want you to get out. I want you to be happy. I only hope that you'll forgive me one day," Dean said as he finished reading Sam's letter. Dean lit a match and took it to the letter. "I'm never going to find happiness with you in a hole."
"I'm sorry Dean," Sam whispered.
"Then fight to come back to me," Dean pleaded as the darkness around them began to shake violently.
Lucifer and Cas appeared.
"Come on Dean, we have to go. Lucifer's going to take Sam into his mind for a bit. We need to keep you safe," Cas explained.
"What's going on?" Sam asked.
"You're having a seizure," Lucifer said as he touched his arm and disappeared.
XOXOXO
Sam felt like his senses were being overloaded, his mind had been so dark and now there was a lot of light, it was almost blinding. He was quiet as his eyes adjusted to the new environment, then he saw it. There were pictures and videos of his life everywhere.
"What is this?" Sam asked as he looked at Lucifer.
"Memories and thoughts of you. Some would call it an obsession, but I don't care. You are my whole world, Sammy, I wouldn't have it any other way," Lucifer commented.
"Some of these memories are from my childhood, long before you knew me," Sam said.
"I know…Azazel's team kept a close eye on you since you were born. I had the demons come and tell me the stories of your life over and over again until I had a clear picture of you. It got me through my darkest moments in the cage," Lucifer stated.
"I don't know what to say," Sam whispered as tears came to his eyes.
"Your mind is unstable at the moment, it's why I brought you here, but perhaps now you can understand how much you mean to me," Lucifer stated.
"I know that you care for me…"
"It's so much more than that Sammy. Love doesn't come easy to a creature like myself, it never has, but you…I've loved you since I learned that you would be for me. I know that I've done things that have caused you pain, but those actions, don't take away from the love that I feel for you."
"I'm not worth loving," Sam whispered.
"How can you think that?"
"My entire existence is cursed. Everybody I've ever loved has died or suffered just for knowing me. I ruin everything that comes near me. I can't destroy you too," Sam stated.
"You're afraid of destroying me?"
"It's inevitable…either that or destroying the world. I can't do either so I talked to a…a friend and they mentioned that now would be a great time to end my life," Sam explained.
"Anybody that convinces you to kill yourself is not a friend," Lucifer stated as an alarm rang out.
"What was that?"
"An alarm, I've got to leave you for a bit to replenish some of my grace," Lucifer explained.
"Are you going to take me back to my mind?" Sam asked.
"No, it would be better for you to stay here. While you wait for me to return, I want you to look around and think about how much pain you would cause me if you left me," Lucifer stated and then he was gone.
XOXOXOXO
"How is Sam?" Dean asked as Lucifer appeared in the room. Dean was sitting on one side of Sam. Gabriel is on his other side.
"Can I go to him?" Cas asked.
"I don't really like other Angels in my mind, but I'll make an exception," Lucifer stated.
"Take this with you," Dean stated as he handed him an envelope.
Cas took the envelope with his name on it and disappeared.
Gabriel stood up to clear some room for his brother. Lucifer went and sat down next to Sam, taking his hand in his.
"Sam doesn't think that he deserves to be loved. We need to convince him that he's wrong. If we can't then Sam will die. It won't matter that I brought the soul back if Sam doesn't fight to survive or if we can't heal his body," Lucifer said.
"I don't understand why all of this is necessary. Last time Sam died, I sold my soul for his and he just recovered," Dean stated.
"Sam died before?" Lucifer asked as he looked to Dean for answers.
"You didn't know?"
"No…did he kill himself?"
"No, nothing like that. Azazel had a bunch of gifted kids like Sam, and he wanted them to fight to the death, I guess to prove themselves the worthy vessel for you," Dean explained.
"Sam's always been my vessel, it's been that way for millions of years. I knew Azazel thought that Sam should have to prove his worth, but I told him it wasn't necessary. He didn't listen, so what happened? One of these other freaks Azazel created killed my precious Sam?"
"Yeah, he stabbed Sam in the back, severing his spinal cord, just as I arrived. He died in my arms," Dean said. He wiped the tears from his eyes as the pain of the memory hit him. "I sat with his body for three days, but I couldn't bury him. I couldn't live with him dead so I went to the crossroads and sold my soul. When I got back, Sam was as good as new," Dean explained.
"What do you know about this Gabriel?" Lucifer asked as he looked up at his younger brother.
"Gabriel wasn't there? I saved Sam by myself, didn't I?" Dean asked.
"You got his soul back, but his body would have needed to be healed by a Reaper or an Archangel. Demons don't have that kind of power. Reapers very rarely bring people back, I was in the cage, and Michael and Raphael wouldn't have helped, so that leaves you, Gabriel," Lucifer explained.
"I was checking up on Sam and Dean. I arrived just as Jake stabbed Sam. I knew that Dean would need to sell his soul for Sam's, but I wouldn't pressure him one way or another, so I waited, giving Dean space to make a decision. In the end, he chose to go to the crossroads and make a deal. When he was gone, I healed Sam's body. I stayed until he woke up and then I left," Gabriel explained.
"Thank you to both of you. I misjudged you, Dean. Thank you for protecting Sam," Lucifer stated.
"I didn't do it for you," Dean grumbled.
"I know, but I'm still grateful."
"I'm going to get some rest, wake me if I'm needed for anything," Dean said and then he closed his eyes.