Tohka Regret

By : Tohka_Yatogami

...

Summary

An old one-shot, later two-shot between Shido and Tohka after the latter's inversions in V7 and V15

For the last week, Tohka had been feeling quite... well, down wasn't the right word for it. Usually if she was in a bad mood, Tohka never fully understood why she was for reasons she couldn't understand. This time she knew exactly what was wrong...

...But no one else did.

The day it all began had started out normally, in order to try and seal the sixth Spirit to appear, the idol songstress known as Miku Izayoi or [Diva] as the AST and the DEM, Shido had to cross-dress as a female alter ego named Shiori and compete against Miku for the right to seal her powers. Tohka had been working most of the day at Raizen High's maid cafe, though played the tambourine for the performance portion alongside Shido and the Yamai sisters.

After they won due to the efforts of Tohka's singing saving them after they couldn't use a song machine, and Miku's own powers backfiring as she caused her fellow schoolmates to neglect one portion of the contest... Miku didn't stick to her deal and other than herself and Shido, everyone got hypnotized, she only avoided it because she made herself unable to hear the music.

Their friends attacked them, only for Ellen to show up and in her attempt to protect Shido, got captured and taken to the DEM's Japanese branch where she was held prisoner and completely unable to do a thing to escape. Shido had soon come to save her, and... was stabbed in front of her eyes, even Miku who was with him couldn't use her voice to stop Ellen who was somehow just as immune to it as Shido was.

Tohka tried to break the wall keeping them apart but failed, and soon... was sure she saw the fatal stab that killed him. That moment, she couldn't take it anymore, and a dark power had taken her over. A power that Kotori referred to as an "Inversion". Luckily for everyone, Shido didn't die and the DEM didn't succeed in anything due to Origami ruining their chance to defeat her Inverse Form by injuring Ellen and Tohka was rescued.

The whole incident however had left Tohka deeply depressed, and she just hid it from everyone under a smile. No one knew anything was bothering her because she wasn't letting anyone even realize she was troubled. Tohka hugged her bread pillow close, sitting in the bedroom of her apartment alone.

At that moment, she heard a knock on the door, quickly making her eyes widen before she shook her face into a happy looking one.

'Is it Yoshino? Kaguya? Yuzuru?' Tohka thought, thinking of all the apartment's current residents as the most likely visitors. She walked to the door and opened it to see it was... "Shido!?"

Surprising her at the door was the last person she expected, she had always gone to Shido's house for anything. The fact Shido had come to her section of the Spirit Mansion/apartment was a first. Tohka flailed her arms in surprised before managing to collect herself.

"Oh, h-hey Shido! This is a surprise!" Tohka replied, ending up being a bit louder than she had intended to be. "What brings you over here?"

"Thought I'd just come and see how you were, everything fine? Normally you don't react like that when you see me." Shido asked, and Tohka laughed a bit forcefully.

"Of course, I just didn't think you'd come over to-" Tohka suddenly found Shido's finger on her lip.

"...Tohka, please don't lie to me."

Tohka suddenly froze in place, her eyes wide open as they shook at hearing Shido's claim.

"W-what are you..." Tohka stuttered.

"I've seen the face you used to make long enough to know when you hide it under another, you might be smiling... but I can see what you really feel like under it." Shido answered, and Tohka's facade broke as Shido saw right through her, showing her troubled and saddened face.

"Now come on, you can tell me... what's been bothering you as of lately?"

Tohka stayed silent and turned her head away.

"...I can't." Tohka quietly said.

"What was that?" Shido asked, not hearing her response.

"I can't." Tohka said, a bit louder but still very quietly.

"Uh... Tohka, I can barely hear-"

"I CAN'T TELL YOU! I CAN'T TELL ANYONE, THERE'S NO WAY I COULD!" Tohka screamed, making Shido flinch in response. It only took a few more seconds before Shido saw tears shed down Tohka's face.

"Especially not you, if... if I told anyone about this, then they'd hate me forever. There's no way I'd ever be forgiven. Not now... not ever... no even should forgive me..."

"Tohka, what are you talking about?" Shido asked, suddenly filled with worry.

Tohka simply turned her head away more, unable to face Shido after what he heard her say. She soon felt his hands place themselves on her shoulders.

"Please Tohka, tell me. How can I help you if you won't say anything?" Shido asked, Tohka's lip quivered... and unfortunately it was too much for her. She turned to Shido and then said the fatal, at least to her, words to him.

"...I lied." Tohka stated, making Shido tilt his head confused. "I lied! Everything that happened after you were stabbed, I remember all of it! What I did and almost did you, and to Miku... I remember everything! No, I knew what I was doing the whole time, and I still did it!"

Shido stared as his eyes widened. When Tohka transformed back from her Inverse Form, she didn't seem to remember what had happened during the Inversion, he had been weak and tired, and was so happy that Tohka had been saved, that he had completely missed how genuine Tohka's smile was.

It was two days after that he suddenly felt Tohka's expressions had felt off, probably when the reality had finally begun to sink in and she couldn't just shrug off the guilt in her mind. Now it all made sense, but now he was confused on what she meant by knowing what she did.

"Tohka..." Shido said, soon surprising her as she felt him hug her. "...It's OK, just tell me. I'll listen. After all I guess I am partially to blame for letting my guard down."

Tohka sniffled more as she buried her head into Shido's chest, sniffling a bit more.

"At that last moment, I... I was so sure that was it. That you were gone." Tohka cried, her voice shaking.

"I couldn't bare it, a world without you, so... I just told myself you didn't exist. Denied anything from that day was real, when I came to and noticed everyone including you... I just thought it was some nightmare or just some kind of dream. I didn't want to wake up and realize you were dead, and so... so I lashed out at everything. Tried to destroy everything. When you called my name, I couldn't even accept it because how much I knew it was tied to you."

"It wasn't until you kissed me that I finally realized it, that I wasn't dreaming... that you were still alive! I stopped blocking it all out and finally let myself hear my name, see your face and tell myself everything would be OK. However, it made me realize everything I had done... how could I face everyone if I knew that all I did was of my own choice? So when you asked me, I pretended like I didn't know anything. I'm a horrible person!"

And with that, now it all made sense to Shido why Tohka was feeling so awful. Shido had seen her face many emotions in the spectrum of sadness. Loneliness, pain, guilt and worry. However now she was facing one such sad emotion she hadn't before now, one she had never been in the right situation for to feel...

...Regret

It wasn't in her control, but Tohka had attacked her friends without mercy or restraint, and had nearly killed the boy who saved her life, all because the thought of him being dead was so bad, her whole mind changed the reality she perceived so she wouldn't be able to accept Shido was gone, even if he had survived the ordeal.

"No, you're not Tohka, would a bad person feel the way you do? Feel awful that it happened?" Shido asked, making Tohka gasp lightly as he rubbed her back.

"You have nothing to hate yourself over. You were thrown into a situation beyond anything we had control over, tormented by people who didn't care for you or others, and most of all they used your own feelings against you. If anything, the way you acted while in that state? It wasn't you wanting to hurt or kill anyone, you were just lashing out in anger you yourself couldn't understand... all because you nearly lost someone dear to you."

Tohka gasped again, soon whimpering a bit.

"B-But Shido, I..." Tohka attempted to say, but couldn't get herself to finish. Shido rubbed her head to help her relax.

"When you care for someone deeply, become so close they become so important to you, those feelings turn into a double-edged sword. It's because of how much you care it can hurt so badly to lose them in any manner." Shido replied, making Tohka gasp as she recalled how badly Origami snapped when she was sure she found the Spirit that killed her parents.

"Yet at the same time, no one can truly handle loneliness in this world. You can't just shun yourself from people and expect to avoid pain because you never get close to anyone. If anyone knows that... it's me. I mean it, there was a real chance I wouldn't have been here to meet and save you at once point. Kotori can tell you all about it."

Tohka cries again, and Shido hugged her close as she continued doing this for the next half hour. After that time had passed, Tohka's cries became sniffles, and then ceased fully as she was able to finally calm herself down before Shido wiped her tear stained cheeks clean.

"Feel better now?" Shido asked, and Tohka lightly nodded.

"Yeah, a little Shido... thank you." Tohka replied, soon looking away and blushing a bit. "Shido, I need to ask this... what would you do if something like this ever happened again?"

Shido smiled at that.

"I'd save you, just like I always have. No matter what you do or who you'll become you'll always be important to me." Shido replied, making Tohka blush at that. She soon smiled and teared up slightly before wiping them. Shido saw the time and gasped loudly. "Oh crap, I gotta get dinner started before Kotori kills me! See you later Tohka!"

Shido quickly ran out of Tohka's room and back home. Tohka soon smiled at his form left, but suddenly felt a strange twinge in his heart. It was... a strange and gentle warmth, one that she enjoyed feeling. She held her hand to it and wondered what it was.

"Shido... did you cause this strange feeling? It feels odd, but pleasant." Tohka asked herself, soon looking up at the ceiling. "Just what is it?"

THE END