II
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"Even as a child, I found a way to survive."
~ Eartha Kitt
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853
A windstorm blew across a refugee camp near the port of Liberio, sweeping gusts of sand and tiny pebbles past the curtains of the tent. Inside were a dozen people, most of whom were barefoot, and sound asleep in disheveled piles on the ground. Among them were a group of friends who'd spent the night learning key phrases in the local language, developing their palates by eating exotic foods, and drinking their body weight in grape brandy. It was known across the diaspora as Arak or the milk of a lion and tasted like distilled, creamy licorice. Music crooned from a little record player set up in the back corner, sitting atop a crate filled with vinyl discs of many genres. Some time after everyone had fallen asleep, the needle reached the end of its fourth album.
A young woman lay asleep on a hand-woven rug in the middle of the floor, curled up on her side with her knees to her chest. Her left arm was tucked under her head as a makeshift pillow and the right was slightly extended, reaching out to feel the shoulder of another. The howling wind blew the curtains about, stirring her and the others from slumber.
"Mm." A moan slipped from her lips.
Her hands twitched while her body laid still, lightly squeezing the rug fibers with her fingertips.
Smells from the celebration lingered in the air.
The little boy, Ramzi, lighting a stick of oud incense. The kindly, old man who offered them drinks, hanging a bundle of dried lavender on a clothes clip. A plastered Jean knocking over a pot of warm chai that splashed down the front of Eren's suit - a mistake he surprisingly laughed off.
The cornucopia of scents were intoxicating and evoked memories of what happened before a night of fun times with transient, goodhearted strangers began.
{}
She was the first to notice his absence upon a glance around Kiyomi's sitting room. One moment she could see him in her periphery, leaning against a support column behind Jean. Beautiful, green eyes appearing listless as he stared at nothing in particular. Lips slightly chapped and frowning as if he would rather be anywhere else. She had diverted her attention for a handful of minutes when he suddenly disappeared, quiet as a ghost.
Mikasa stood in a panic, capturing everyone's focus.
"Where's Eren?" She asked to everyone and no one, beseeching them to follow her out the door with action alone.
"Wait, Mikasa!" Armin called after her.
'He said he wouldn't do things like this anymore.' She pondered.
"Wait up! He couldn't have gotten far!" Sasha chimed in, grabbing her hand.
"Slow down." Levi urged, effortlessly catching up to her just outside the estate.
She spun to face the Captain and her friends - brilliant, gray eyes filled with worry.
"That prick is always running off." Jean chided, wiping sweat from his forehead. "No sense in you getting lost, too, Mikasa."
A part of her knew he was right though she still protested. It wasn't the time or place for it.
"Enough, please. We don't have time for this-" She retorted, wriggling out of Sasha's grasp.
"Then stop being so headstrong and calm yourself." Levi interjected, "Sasha's right, he couldn't have gone far."
She looked down at her boots, feeling abashed under the weight of their judgment. She took a deep breath then apologized, feeling jejune for assuming the worst.
"I'm sorry, I - you're right."
"Split up and find the brat. Jean, throw him over your shoulder kicking and screaming, if you have to." Levi intoned, arms folded over his chest as he leaned against the wall. "If you're not back in an hour, we'll come find you."
"Yes, sir." They replied in unison as he headed back inside - his patience with Eren already floating on thin ice.
"I'm not picking that asshole up and carrying him anywhere." Jean scoffed, eliciting a chuckle from Connie.
"It's cool, let's just get this over with." Connie sighed, scratching the back of his head. "There's four of us so let's each take a different direction."
"I'll take the east," Mikasa nodded. "I think I saw some people headed that way. Maybe there's a village?"
"Good thinking." Armin conceded. "I'll see what's happening in the south near the port. He might've wanted to clear his head. Jean?"
"North, I guess." He shrugged.
"Leaves me with west. The sooner we find him, the sooner we can enjoy the calm before the storm with a hot meal." Added Sasha.
"For once I agree with her. Break!" Connie announced with a chopping motion with his hand to his palm.
Mikasa rolled her eyes as she turned to leave, only to pause when she caught Jean looking at her over his shoulder.
'I'm sorry.' She respected and cared for him, valuing their friendship more than he knew. However, she didn't share his feelings.
Her heart fluttered at the irony of her predicament: he wanted more with her while she desired another ... neither of their affections were reciprocated. She took off toward the east with her heart in her hands - vulnerable under the moonlight and starlit sky, searching for a love who didn't want to be found.
She hated drawing attention to herself - breezing past food kiosks, textile merchants and families, heart racing as she picked up her pace. She could only imagine what people thought about a girl in a white suit and cornflower-blue blouse. Long, pleated skirt twirling around her ankles as she cut around corners. Pounding her soles to the dirt and frantically looking in all directions.
Strangers tried to get her attention, maybe to help, but she couldn't slow down.
Instead she shouted a brisk "No, I'm sorry!" behind her.
She didn't tire easily but the excessive running was starting to wear on her - emotionally more than physically.
'What are you doing, Eren ...'
She didn't want to be angry with him when their lives hung in the balance. Still ... here he was again, vanishing at the 11th hour while knowing the proverbial gun was pointed at his head. Maybe his worries kept him from being honest. She knew he was deeply concerned about the island; the future of his Titan; Zeke's insane plans for Historia.
The care he showed for her during their last meeting back home ...
She was sweating now, allowing her mind to tap into every thought that troubled her. Happy, sad, intrusive - it didn't matter. So long as it fueled her insecurities about their relationship. Suddenly she needed to stop, slipping behind a cluster of trees to catch her breath. But it was more than that.
'He probably ran away to be with someone else.'
'You're so desperate. He could never want you.'
Tears began to fall.
'He admires Historia. When has he ever admired you?'
'The other girls want him. They laugh behind your back.'
'They think you're a pathetic loser who wants someone who will never want you back.'
"Stop ..." she pleaded to her own thoughts, sinking to the ground in a puddle of self-doubt.
She'd been running so long but couldn't outpace her own mind.
'He escaped to get away from you.'
"Please stop ... please." She buried her face in her hands, remembering to take deep breaths for her anxiety.
"I'm - I'm strong." She whispered as she slowly rose from the dirt.
Deep breath in, inhale out.
Her lungs filled then expelled the air, again and again.
"I'm strong."
She closed her wet eyes and placed a hand on her chest, and the other on the tree behind her for support.
Deep breath in, inhale out.
"It doesn't matter ..." She trailed off as her thoughts finished her sentence.
'... what we are, so long as we stay friends.'
'Stop being so selfish.'
Her pulse finally eased to a healthy pace.
"This isn't the time." She maintained, pressing her palm harder against her heart. "Not now."
'Not ever.'
Crippling jealousy was replaced with immense guilt upon realizing how much time she'd wasted under a tree, indulging in self-pity. Re-feeding herself beliefs she already knew. She shrugged off the pain from an emotional wound she'd inflicted, unable to let go of her feelings. Burying what'd just happened deep within.
She'd broken her own heart by loving him. It was child's play.
Deep breath in, inhale out. Then ... she was back to running.
After two hours of searching she spotted a black suited figure standing hilltop, meters away.
She knew the back of his head as well as her own.
"Eren!" She called, coming up behind him.
"Did you forget you're the enemy's primary target? Everyone has been looking all over for you."
He didn't respond but instead wiped his eyes with his arm and lowered his gaze to the ground.
'Was he crying?'
Upon the sight of his creased brows and pensive expression, she tempered her frustration by changing the subject. It was getting late. The last thing she wanted was to reignite old habits on both sides and provoke an argument.
"The boy from the market?" She asked, following his line of sight. "What happened?" Her tone had lowered and softened, acclimating to his mood.
"Nothing yet." He cryptically replied, eyes remaining on the boy.
She turned to him confused and said, "What do you mean? This is ..."
"It's a place for people who lost their homes to war." Eren continued. "Just like us: one day, our lives changed, and everything was taken from us. All our freedoms ... stolen."
The timbre of his voice was warm but distant, as if he were yearning to say more but his thoughts set him adrift elsewhere. She stood by quietly, lending her ears in his time of need. She yearned for these kinds of moments ... it was what friends did.
He slowly turned to her, pinning her in place with the intensity in his eyes. Her belly tightened when he said her name.
"Mikasa." His voice was so tender, it hardly sounded like him. "Why do you care so much about me?"
Her hands froze at her sides.
She was perplexed, only able to utter a mousy, "Eh?"
She didn't understand the question, its relevance, or what it was leading to.
"Because I saved you when we were kids? Or ... because I'm family?"
"H-huh?" She stammered, pressing her heels deeper into the grass to keep her steady.
Her mouth went dry and her face flushed crimson under his stare. She couldn't think, couldn't feel, couldn't describe what this was. The unexpected curveball caused the space to widen between them; she wasn't next to him anymore but rather a touch more than an arm's length apart.
She was sweating again - only this time, the heat felt like it was emanating from him. It was palpable; a dream; an illusion.
The way he looked at her was like nothing before. It beheld a tenderness she couldn't verbalize or fully comprehend. She felt beguiled by the illusion.
"What am I to you?" Soft, parted lips uttered a susurration of want.
She could've sworn her heart stopped.
Maybe she'd fallen asleep behind that tree earlier, only to wake up in an exhaustion-induced fantasy. Maybe she had gone mad from all that running and conjured him standing before her.
She couldn't make sense of any of it. Where it was coming from. Why her to taunt with a moment she didn't deserve.
Her head was spinning. Her heart lept into her throat then plunged into her stomach, dripping with acid as it burned its way back to her breast.
"You're ... family." Mikasa conceded.
Before she could make sense of the wounded - almost spurned - look in his eyes, they were approached by an older gentleman carrying two drinks on a silver tray. He seemed incredibly sweet and generous, though his presence was a jarring shift of energy given what'd just happened.
"انضم إلينا من فضلك!"
He uttered something in a language neither of them understood.
"Huh?" She was in a daze.
"I think he's inviting us." She thought she noticed a little sigh at the beginning, though the corners of his lips twitched upward. A ghost of a smile that further confused her.
His demeanor had completely changed, enforcing the idea that none of it ever occurred.
"Hey!" Armin yelled from the bottom of the hill.
Both Mikasa and Eren turned in the direction of his voice.
"What the hell are you doing, Eren?!" Berated Jean, closest of the four friends climbing the hillside. "Are you an idiot?!"
"Good timing." Eren retorted.
{}
Long lashes fluttered against her lids as tired, gray eyes opened—they blinked when it became clear the space next to her was empty. She sat up and glanced around the room from her spot on the floor, trying to find the two men she'd slept next to.
"Oi! Get up, let's go." Levi announced as he stepped in behind Onyankopon and Hange. Their presence livened the half-asleep bodies on the floor.
Scattered groans collectively echoed the sentiment: they were too tired and too hungover to face the looming darkness of the day.
"Hurry up, we have somewhere to be." Levi commanded once more, holding his hat in place as the wind threatened to take it.
"Damn it all, it's too early to be yelling." Connie griped, massaging his temples with his thumb and middle finger. He hissed as he applied more pressure, fighting to stave off a migraine.
Mikasa.
'Did I dream it?' She wondered, bending down in a forward fold to lace her boots.
She spotted them when she stood up straight. Eren and Armin were in the farthest corner away from their group—she could make out the latter's golden hair and the former's lightly dented fedora.
Eren's back faced her though she picked up the concern etched on Armin's features - suggesting they were having a private, somewhat serious, conversation.
Somehow it felt inappropriate to walk over to them and after the strangeness of last night, she thought it best if they approach first.
Why do you care so much about me?
She gently shook her head in an effort to quell the recollection, but relief was only temporary. She caught herself stealing looks in their direction, brows furrowing at the notion of them potentially talking about her. It was childish, she recognized, but she already missed them. The urge to chase was strong but just as she thought better of it, the knot in her stomach pulled taut when Eren started walking toward her.
Armin was unmoved from where Eren had left him, darting his eyes between them.
Because I saved you when we were kids?
'What is going on?'
Her body inched forward as he continued to close the distance but something was ... off. The warmth of yesterday had benumbed to a cold that raised his shoulders; thinned his lips to a glower; dulled the glimmer in his eyes to a vacant stare at the floor.
Or ... because I'm family?
A shiver ran down her spine with every step he took and whatever aura he was carrying brought intrigue from the rest of the group. He was naturally heavy-footed but the pressure in which he walked was only a hair less than a stomp.
He was just outside arm's length when she initiated conversation.
"Morning, Eren." She was pleasant, opening the floor of communication.
Not even an iota of acknowledgement from him.
He was closing in - eyes still fastened to the ground, banking to his left as he was nearly right in front of her.
Their friends were staring now. Her scalp throbbed as a tension headache mounted.
"Eren?" Her voice was weak, diminishing with every word he ignored.
"Eren, hey-" She tried once more as she stepped forward, only to be met with the weight of silence.
His jaw clenched as he passed her without so much as a glance, as well as avoiding the curious looks from everyone else.
Her heart pounded in her chest so loud, she could hear it in her ears.
What am I to you?
"Everybody file out," said Hange after a pause, "The conference starts in an hour."
"How are we getting there?" queried Jean, "Gonna hop on our broomsticks and fly in this windstorm? We'll really look like devils then."
"Ms. Azumabito was generous enough to lend us some vehicles. She's waiting just outside the camp - 'bout a ten minute walk from here." Onyankopon clarified.
Eren was the first to exit, followed by Sasha - who raised her middle finger to the back of his head - Jean, then Connie with his porkpie hat in hand. Onyankopon exchanged looks with Hange before they left together; the last stragglers were Levi, Armin, and Mikasa.
"Give us a minute, Captain." Armin requested, appearing by her side like a stanchion at will. "Please."
The muscles in her throat constricted, all but forcing the impulse to dry-heave. With every breath came an innervation of disorienting pain; an emotional knife to the gut as punishment for an unspecified transgression against him.
"Talk on the way. We have to go." Levi disagreed, matter-of-fact in tone. Unaffected by the display of minutes past.
Her cousin was a man who cared nothing for teenaged drama, especially if it involved Eren. She couldn't fault him for that.
"I'm sorry," Armin sighed, keeping his voice low as they exited the tent. "I tried."
She hesitated, weighing her options of letting it go versus telling him everything. Eventually she let her feet decide.
"It's okay." She meekly answered.
They were off, walking in clusters as they chatted amongst themselves on the way. Without pause - Eren kept moving forward, refusing to speak to anyone as he walked parallel to Onyankopon. Farthest ahead and of marginal width from everyone else.
She didn't realize she was staring until Sasha turned around, watching her watch him. Her cheeks speckled pink as she looked away.
Mikasa.
"Mikasa?" said Armin, shoulder-to-shoulder with her as they walked.
"Y-yes?" She stammered.
"Are we gonna talk about this?"
She sighed, eyes on the ground. "There's nothing to talk about-"
"Somehow I don't believe that." He interjected.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Armin. Besides, didn't you talk to him this morning? Last I checked, he won't even acknowledge me so ..." She shrugged to appear aloof but he saw the tears lining her eyes. "I woke up and neither of you were there."
"It didn't happen on purpose. When I got up to use the bathroom - somewhere," Armin glanced around as if to emphasize the lack of privacy, "I noticed Eren was already gone. I eventually found him behind the tent, all alone and crying."
Her brows lifted. "What? Why was he crying?"
"No idea."
'He was crying last night, too, before ...'
"How did you wind up back inside?" She asked.
"We came back in together but I still couldn't get him to say much. He was ... so tense and angry. Then things got really weird when he ignored you and I just - I feel like you're both not telling me something."
She raised her shoulders defensively. "There's nothing."
"When we found you standing on top of that hill, things looked kind of intense. Did you get into a fight?"
Why do you care so much about me?
A pause.
"Nothing happened." She reiterated, gently tugging her arm free. "Let's just get through today, please."
She wasn't as hungover as some of her friends but her head was pounding, with pressure building behind her eyes and the back of her head. Her body was tired. Her breasts were tender and swollen from her cycle. Her thighs burned from nearly two hours of running the night before. Just as much as everything inside her longed for him, she was dizzy from the emotional whiplash.
Eren been distant for weeks—viridian eyes gone in the wind; a darkness in him bubbling to the surface more and more each day. His proclivity for secrets eating away at their friendship, as it was. Coupled with his recent ... behavior, it was all too much.
She was thankful when Armin resigned with a nod of his head and his eyes forward.
Minutes later, they found the Ambassador waiting for them with her security detail in tow. She was a handsome, petite older woman with lightly textured skin and knowing eyes. Graying hair pinned in a chignon; tomesode and zori sandals impeccably clean. Sophisticated and intelligent. Mysterious and reserved.
Behind her were four towncars - black coupes - with tempered windows. Hange, Onyankopon, and Levi exchanged pleasantries with her first—before she turned her attention to Mikasa and the others.
"Lady Ackerman," she said, "good to see you." Her voice was strong, matriarchal, expectant.
There was an underlining current of distrust between them.
Still Mikasa acquiesced, offering a kernel of respect with a bow.
"You as well, Ambassador." She replied. "Thank you for the cars, I hope you know how much we appreciate them."
"It's nothing," She chuckled, "think of it as an omen of good luck. Shall we?" She tilted her head toward the cars, prompting everyone to follow.
"Are there assigned cars?" asked Hange.
"This one is mine." she pointed to the vehicle with a guard sitting in both the front and back seats, and the driver holding the back door open for her.
"There's a driver for each of you. Please choose whichever vehicle you'd like."
"Shotgun." Connie declared, plopping down in the front seat.
Jean and Sasha complained as they sat in the back.
Levi, Hange, and Onyankopon took the next one.
With only one car left, the trio was forced to ride together.
Eren got in first, unsurprisingly claiming the front seat. Armin took the spot behind him while Mikasa sat on the driver's side, more thankful than words for the buffer. She wet her lips as she stared out the window, anchoring herself to the outside. Her stomach dropped when they pulled off but she gave herself grace, breathing deeply through her nose. Resting her chin on her fist, crossing her legs, smoothing down the top of her skirt - anything to keep from drowning in his waves.
Thirty minutes later, she was able to exhale when they arrived at the city center.
As her group and Marleyan denizens were ushered into the speaking hall, the sheer number of people led to bottlenecking at the entrance. Kiyomi was in the front with everyone else trailing behind, shoulder-to-shoulder with each other and swallowed by the crowd. Mikasa had lost sight of Armin, and only Sasha's ponytail was visible from where she stood.
When the line started moving again, the scouts were seated on the upper level. As expected, Eren sat as far away from them as possible, landing ten people away at the end of their aisle. His behavior felt pointed ... or maybe she just took it that way.
Mikasa grabbed Armin's hand, interlocking her fingers with his when the speaker stood before the podium. Her looked at her and lightly flushed when she pressed her lips to the back of his hand; a world of gratitude swirling in her eyes.
"Thank you." She whispered, knowing he would understand.
"I love you." He whispered in kind, smiling at her the way he used to when they were children. "We stick together."
He was so special - intelligent and witty. Observant and strong in his own way. In that moment, she truly realized just how much she leaned on him throughout the years. He was one of her best friends and the bond they shared was undeniable.
"He'll come around." Armin seemed to pick up on her thoughts. "Let's just get through this then we'll go home and talk to him, yeah?"
She merely nodded, turning to the speaker below. It wasn't the time to falter or replay memories of the interlude from last night.
'I'm strong.' She told herself.
She had to be.
"We seek to aid refugee Subjects of YMIR scattered across the world!" The man declared, beading with sweat as he spoke. "They are not Eldians, nor do they believe in the Empire's dangerous ideologies!
"They're the tragic victims of the Eldian Empire's forced interbreeding! It's the detestable island devils we should hate!
"Hate the devils who fled to the island one hundred years ago! Those island devils are our true enemy!"
He paused for effect like the pudgy, malevolent oaf he was - breathing hatred like fire into a room full of terrified interlopers. To her horror, the crowd erupted in applause and she came to know their fates were sealed. Mikasa scanned her surroundings, trying to find even one person who didn't share such beliefs, when she noticed Eren leaving the conference. Her mouth was agape, certain this event would only push further over the edge. Any hope of speaking to him later, died on her tongue.
The buffoon continued spewing his rhetoric into the microphone below, stretching time as he prattled on.
Her toes tapped within her boots as minutes ticked by and still - no sign of Eren. Maybe he went to the restroom. Maybe he was outside, sitting in the car waiting to go. Wherever he was, she couldn't stand not knowing.
"Mikasa? You all right?" Hange questioned, sitting next to her.
"Did anyone see where Eren went?" The panic was evident in her hushed tone, and trembling breath.
"What?" Her cousin asked from Hange's side. "Where did he-" He couldn't place him either.
News of Eren's absence spread amongst their group and by the time closing statements were given, they knew it was an emergency.
She lead the pursuit, weaving through the exiting crowd in a dash. Distress echoed through her body as she impatiently brushed past those in her way - almost shoving a dawdling, older couple to the side. She harbored no hatred for them but certainly not a care, needing to cover as much of the building as possible.
The fact that she couldn't shout his name amplified her irritation but she pushed forward, checking every exit and room permissible to the public. When nothing turned up, she forced herself to enter the men's bathrooms. She held her breath when the stinging odor of piss burned her nose. It was vile.
Her presence earned glares from those standing in front of urinals; she cringed and apologized as she ran out.
Twenty minutes later, she still hadn't found him.
"Oi!" Sasha raised her voice to get her attention, but she knew that voice anywhere.
"Hey. Anything?" She fretted.
"No, nothing. Jean and Connie described him to some of the people that sat in our row but they weren't much help."
"Then we have to keep looking." Just before she could turn on her heel, Sasha grabbed her by the shoulder. "What?"
A pause.
"What is it?" She asked again.
"What the fuck's goin' on with you two." It wasn't a question.
"Nothing." Mikasa deadpanned, lying with her eyes as she held Sasha's gaze. "Nothing happened. Now let's go."
"No - stop." She persisted, slipping her hand from Mikasa's shoulder but stepping so close their noses almost touched. "I'm - we're not going anywhere until you tell me what happened. I know you."
"You know this is wasting time, right?" She bristled, "and I don't know what you're getting at but I already told you-"
"I hate him right now." Sasha barked, talking out of her neck with every word.
She was taken aback by her directness.
"Yeah, he's my 'friend' or whatever but I fucking hate what he does to you."
Her lips parted as she digested Sasha's words, debating telling her everything. Before her eyes could gleam with tears, she shoved it back down inside. There was nothing to say because indeed, nothing happened.
None of it was real.
Deep breath in, inhale out.
"I'm sorry but you don't even know what you're saying. He hasn't done anything to me, Sasha-"
"In the past twenty-four hours, he's disappeared twice." She added.
"I know." Mikasa murmured, looking away.
"We wake up this morning and he's being an asshole to you, and everyone else, for no apparent reason."
"Sasha, just-"
"What. Happened." She said emphatically. "When we found you guys on the hill, it looked like we were interrupting something. If you don't tell me, I can't be there for you-"
"I'm fine. I appreciate your concern, I really do, but there's nothing to tell. I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Huh?" She raised a brow.
"What are you sorry for?"
They stared at each other for a moment.
"... I don't understand what you're asking ..."
"If anyone should be sorry, it's him. He does whatever the fuck he wants, whenever he wants, then you're left to pick up the pieces."
She wanted to challenge Sasha's beliefs about Eren but there was no rebuttal more maddening than the truth. So she deadened the subject.
"We should reconvene with everyone." She walked away before Sasha could reply.
Soon they met up outside by Kiyomi's cars; no one had been successful in finding him. After huddling to discuss their next step, they decided to check back at the Azumabito estate - assuming there was a chance he returned there. Her thoughts constantly swirled like water circling a drain. Everything that led her to this point manifested in her quickened pulse, shaky hands, and-
"Mikasa." Armin reached across the space in the back seat and squeezed her hand.
She didn't notice she was crying until she met his eyes, feeling the hot tears stream down her face.
He unfastened his seat belt, twisted at the waist, and pulled her into his arms. The driver stole glances at them through the rear view mirror.
"It's okay." Armin whispered against the rim of her ear, holding her as close as he could.
She further pressed herself to him, wetting his neck and lapel with her tears. Her body trembled - overwhelmed and vulnerable from the affection he was so willing to give. Such kindness touched her gentle heart, provoking a confession hidden so deep, she came apart in his arms.
"I ..." she hiccuped, "I love him." Breathing her truth like a prayer.
A truth she would never tell anyone else, not even Eren. She had long accepted her feelings would never be returned but it didn't make things any easier.
"I know." He said.
They embraced for a little longer until she thanked him and pulled away, composing herself before they reached the Azumabito estate.
Everyone quickly exited their respective cars and approached the gates, when one of the guards stepped in front of them.
"Excuse me, Madam." He addressed his mistress, extending his arm out to her. There was a folded slip of paper in his hand. "Mr. Jeager stopped by and left this note for your guests."
"What-" "He left a note-" "When did he get here-" Everyone spoke at once until Levi stepped forward.
"Quiet!" He commanded. "Give it to me, Kiyomi. He's my ward."
Mikasa was frozen to her spot between Armin and Sasha.
Kiyomi handed the paper over to the Captain.
He unfolded the letter, pausing with bewildered eyes before reading its contents aloud.
"It says ..."
She waited with bated breath.
"... 'don't look for me'." He concluded, staring at the paper with piercing eyes and pursed lips.
When the tears fell again, she didn't try to stop them. Instead she closed her eyes and counted her breaths, standing still in silence. There was nothing else to say. She gasped when Sasha wrapped one arm around her waist, and rested her head on her shoulder. Still she hugged her back, forever grateful to have her support. She would remember to apologize to her later for being so dismissive.
"Seriously?" Jean asked. "That's all he said?"
"Just when we thought he couldn't be more of an idiot." Connie shook his head.
"This is bad." Hange commented, taking the note from Levi to examine the one sentence. "Two disappearances in less than a day. What exactly are you playing at, Eren ..."
"Can someone provide me with an explanation for this?" Kiyomi interjected. "This ... boy has clearly lost his mind. Surely you have a plan to find him before the enemy does?"
"Leave it to us." Armin stated. "We'll do everything in our power to -"
"Everyone inside. Now." Levi instructed, not bothering to wait for them as he walked through the gate.
She patted her face dry with her hand - the pads of her fingers soft and lingering on her scar - and followed them inside.
The search was exhaustive, sending them across the continent and back in the span of a month. With extremely limited resources they relied on Kiyomi as a benefactor: aiding them with food, water, weapons, and supplies. She used her sparse connections in countries she'd only visited once or twice, to assist the Scouts any way they could. After a total of two months without a single lead, Levi and Hange reluctantly decided to call off the search.
When they returned to the island without Eren, they sought help from the crown. Historia was indisposed and unable to grant them an audience, leaving Premier Zachary in charge. He blamed the Scouts for losing the Founding Titan. Fingers from the Police Brigade and the Garrison Regiment all pointed at them. Accusations of recklessness and lack of effective leadership sought to call the Captain and the Commander into question.
Each day, hour, second - was harder than the last. Nights came and went, sometimes with Sasha sharing her bed to keep her company. Occasional late-night swims with Armin near the shore. They would talk about the girl immortalized in crystal, mounting tensions on the island, battle strategy ... anything but Eren.
On rare, particularly lonely nights - she would venture into the communal bath when it was empty. The hot water soothed her tender muscles and eased the immense stress she was under ... to the point where her breasts felt heavy and her loins ached with arousal. She'd run her fingers between wet, velvety folds as she thought of him - shame on her tongue to keep from moaning his name. She would arch her back against stone and rub her toned thighs together, imagining his large hands all over her waiting body. His tongue slick and hot against her ivory skin, taking her hard nipples between his lips. Her silken, black hair clinging to her face. Her mouth salivating and open for him. Almond eyes closed in ecstasy. Body lithe and burning, begging him to make her his. Giving herself to him in a way she had never given anyone. Once her walls pulsed and gushed, the fantasy ended. She always felt worse than she did before.
Time carried on without a word through winter, spring, and summer. That was until a mysterious piece of correspondence was delivered to Hange's office, and their world was thrown back into a tailspin.
Many people died that night in Liberio, a number of which were their own. Eren had become a man she didn't recognize, and it wasn't just his appearance. The unrelenting cold to which he regarded her, his flippant attitude toward innocent children who perished at his hand, and worst of all - his frankly bizarre reaction to Sasha's untimely death. His indifference frightened her just as much as it infuriated her.
Nothing was the same anymore.
854
She hadn't moved from her spot - sitting with her back pressed to Sasha's tombstone in the chilly, drizzling rain. The sky was overcast with a gray that matched her bloodshot eyes. She had wept for days as her pain came in waves, pushing and pulling her until she was ready to snap.
Suddenly a shadow appeared above her head, obscuring the rain. When she looked up, she was met with the deep brown eyes of Onyankopon. He was holding an umbrella over her.
"Ms. Ackerman, good afternoon." He softly said, stepped back when she stood. "The rain is due to pick up. You shouldn't be out here without an umbrella."
"I'm fine, thank you." She replied, taken back by his kindness.
She didn't know him well nor had they engaged in more than a few conversations over the last three years. It was safe to say she didn't trust him though admittedly, he had been nothing but cordial to her. It would do her well to extend the same courtesy.
"Are you here to ..." She noticed the bouquet of white carnations nestled in his arm.
"Yes," he concurred, "these are for Sasha." He offered a tiny smile of sympathy that reached his eyes.
Though she was suspicious of all the volunteers, especially after Yelena's miscalculations in Liberio, Onyankopon radiated an aura of sincerity that the former severely lacked. Hange had also taken quite the liking to him. Mikasa supposed she understood the chemistry: he was an intelligent and handsome man from a country across the sea. Hange adored meeting new people and getting to know them. Their relationship, whatever it was, was interesting but that was a musing for another time.
"That's very kind. I'm sure she would have appreciated them."
The brief interludes of silence were a little awkward but it wasn't unbearable. Just two relative acquaintances having a conversation.
"When I first met her," he continued as he laid the flowers by her grave, "she asked me about my skin color. Where I'm from, all the people there share my complexion." He chuckled to himself.
"I'm ... sorry about that. She wasn't trying to be offensive. We just - none of us had ever-"
"Seen a person who looked like me?"
"Right. That's not excuse, as her question wasn't appropriate but, I guess I'm just offering an explanation." She informed.
"No, no, it's all right. I just thought it was funny, that's all. Takes a lot more than that to offend me."
"Mm." She made a sound of agreement, watching him rest his hand on the top of her tombstone.
There was a certain softness to him that reminded her of someone ...
"I told Levi I'd like to take you all to my country someday - allow you to see things for yourself. The beauty of a place without conflict, of people who may look different but extend their kindness to anyone who accepts it. If nothing else, I'm sure Sasha would have loved the food." He smiled brightly this time, laughing at the notion.
"Yes, that's probably true." She smiled as well, surprising herself. "Food was always something she loved."
"I don't doubt it." He replied, moving his hand from the stone. The umbrella stayed over her head as they slipped into a brief, comfortable silence.
"Well, anyway ... I just wanted to extend my sympathies. I'm so very sorry for your loss." He said.
"Thank you. She was ... very special." Mikasa lamented as she glanced at her feet, holding back another wave of tears.
Her world was always falling apart in one way or another.
"Yes, she was. Here." He tried to hand her the umbrella but she declined.
"Oh no, you don't have to do that-"
"Please, I insist. My presence has been requested anyway."
"Onyankopon, really. I'm okay. Thank you." She protested, a part of her wanting nothing more than to be alone.
A pause.
"Okay." He sighed, shifting the coverage back to himself. "A pleasure, as always. Take care, Ms. Ackerman."
She sat back down after he left and remained there until nightfall.
The walk back to the dormitories was wet but mostly quiet, allowing her emotions to stew in the tragedy of it all - an anguish created by the man in custody she once knew. She lifted the scarf - his scarf - to her nose, inhaling the scent of memories past. More than once she wondered if the fabric was still as precious to him as it was to her.
A gnawing in the pit of her stomach was urging her to seek answers. For the innocents who were slaughtered in Liberio, for Sasha, for herself.
Late into the night Mikasa emerged from her room, dressed in a light pink nightgown and matching robe, with brown slippers covering her feet. The scarf had dried and donned her neck, curling around her exquisite flesh like a relic of time. She couldn't sleep but she hadn't considered her friends couldn't either. With Sasha's murder, Eren's incarceration, and the ever-growing threat of a World War, it was no surprise to find them talking in the common room.
"... to think Commander Pyxis would go as far as to detain the volunteers." Jean pondered aloud.
He was on a sofa across from Connie, who stood by the window, and Armin - on the couch to the right.
"Evening." She said softly, sitting down on an armchair chair next to Jean.
"Hey." "Hi." "Evening." The three of them greeted her at once.
She placed her hands in her lap and listened - while in the back of her mind, she couldn't shake one idea in particular. One she was hesitant to discuss with Armin, since they'd first received Eren's letter from Marley.
Her tears, her sorrow, her plight—she couldn't go on as a shell of a person for much longer. Even just sitting among her friends - hurting and tired, she felt like she was hiding behind them. Somewhere after that fateful night with the refugees in Liberio - she had lost her courage.
'If Sasha could see me now, what would she think of me?' A pain stabbed her in the chest.
She'd died three weeks ago but the sight of her lifeless, bloodied body wouldn't leave her thoughts or dreams.
"Since they and the Scouts are so close, we weren't told in advance." Armin added, drawing her attention back to the room.
"Yeah. I'm sure he didn't have much choice." Jean replied, leaning back. "Until Zeke's intentions are made clear, it puts us in a real pickle. And Eren's suddenly aboard Zeke's plan. Whatever the two of them talked about is something only they know."
"Hey." Connie piped from the window. "Did that look like Eren to you guys?"
A little sound escaped her as she watched him from her periphery.
"Not me. That wasn't Eren."
It was a question she hadn't stopped asking herself either.
"If he's made up his mind to side with his half-brother over us ..."
"If he has, then what?" She asked.
Connie's expression held an air of vengeance, she knew. A grief she understood but ... it couldn't justify-
"We've gotta be prepared to cut him down if necessar-"
"I won't let you!" She balked, meeting his emotions head-on with her own.
"Huh?" He was nonplussed. "Are you siding with them, too, Mikasa?"
Her breath hitched as she faltered, turning away from him. "I don't think it'll come to that. I won't let it ..."
"And just what do you plan to do?" Connie pushed back. "How many more people have to die? What's stopping him from breaking out of prison right now and killing anyone who gets in his way?"
She stifled a whimper, opening and closing her mouth for a reply she didn't have.
"Connie-" Armin tried to de-escalate but the former was relentless.
"No! Let's be real about this for a second. That piece of shit took off eleven months ago; sent us on a wild goose chase all over a continent we knew nothing about, only to become a monster who tramples little kids."
Her shoulders rose like hackles, in a futile attempt to shield herself from his scathing words. It went without saying that she felt responsible for what Eren had become. Dating back nine years to a promise she once made his mother as her dying wish, but the truth was - she failed.
There was no defending what happened in Liberio - the first or second time around. Their blood was on her hands, just as much as it was his.
"He won't hurt us." She eventually mustered, her tongue dripping with guilt. "He once said he cares about us more than anyone. I still believe that."
'I have to.' Her thoughts lied to protect her feelings.
"Maybe if we ... if I ..." Armin found her eyes and read exactly what she was trying to say. His expression soured.
"If you could what?" Jean cut in, reading between the lines. "You wanna go talk to him?"
She took slow, measured breaths before answering. "Yes."
Her mouth went dry when a wave of silence struck the room.
"You wanna go speak to him." Connie reiterated the sentiment in a mocking tone. "And what good would that even do? Last we saw him eleven months ago, he wanted nothing to do with you."
"Connie! That's enough." Armin chided. "Why are you being so hostile toward her? You act as if she's complicit in his crimes."
She felt the tears well up in her eyes, threatening to spill should she speak at that moment. The weight of it all was too much and somehow, it was her fault. Eren may have turned into a monster but she was the fool, willfully blind to the signs. She wanted nothing more than to fade away, but cowardice was never an option.
"I'm not being hostile, I'm being honest. What can she hope to achieve by talking to him?" He directed his questions at Armin as if she wasn't there.
"You can ask me." She finally spoke up, rising from her seat to face him. "I am not some weakling, and I don't need you questioning me as if I'm sudddenly the enemy." She rationed the last remnants of her strength to confront him, standing tall like a sentry.
Jean then stepped in. "You may not like it but Connie has a point. Whatever is going on - his energy is ... different with you, and not in a good way. Why should you, or any of us for that matter, believe he would listen to you?"
She considered his opinion. "You're right. There is no guarantee Eren will listen, or even be willing to speak to me. But ... I have questions that must be answered. I won't back down from him. He doesn't scare me and he won't hurt me."
A white lie she wasn't sure they believed.
'He wouldn't ... he couldn't ...'
Her death wouldn't come by his hand, not even close ... but a physical altercation between them would sever whatever remained of their relationship for good.
'He won't hurt me.' She thought over and over. It scared her that she even had to consider it.
"Mikasa," Armin broached carefully, "I could go with you. Maybe if we both talk with him-"
"No." she turned to him. "I have to do this on my own."
A resounding silence.
"An audience would lead to further distrust on his end. If it's only me, there's nowhere to hide. This way nobody else is put at risk. I take full responsibility." Her mind was made up.
"I don't know, still sounds like a shit idea. This is a huge risk, Mikasa." Jean cautioned.
He wasn't wrong. The strong yet vacillating emotions in her eyes gave it away.
"It's either this or we take up arms against him, in the heat of an impending war with Marley. That's an even bigger risk." She argued. "Please. We can't just give up on him."
The guys exchanged looks with each other.
"When exactly are you planning to do this?" Armin asked.
Connie refused to look at her.
"Tonight. I'll a horse from the stables and ride to the prison." There was no time to think. Any further delay might cause her to second guess her decision. "I will also inform Hange before I leave. I don't want her to think I'm overruling her authority. She's in for the night, right?"
"Yeah." Jean sighed, scratching his chin. "She's upstairs. And what if she says no?"
"Then I won't go."
"So you'll listen to her but not us?" Connie pointed out.
"It's not about that. You know it isn't." She implored him. "It has to be done, I'm sorry."
"Tell that to Sasha." With that he stormed away, twisting the proverbial knife deep into her gut.
'Forgive me.'
"Go to Hange, Mikasa." Said Armin. "We'll deal with Connie. And please ... be careful."
"I hope you know what you're doing." Jean then went after their friend, followed by Armin.
The pocket watch on the desk in her room read 12:02am as she changed into her uniform. Ten minutes later, she knocked on Hange's door. She felt awful for bothering her so late but she couldn't waste any more time. Several taps with her knuckles later, the door finally opened.
"Mikasa?" She asked groggily, standing at her door in her pajamas, short an eye patch and glasses.
The Commander was surprised to see her dressed in full regalia in the middle of the night, but it was enough to fully wake her up.
"I'm very sorry to disturb you but it's important I speak with you at this time." She heard the panicked jumble of words fall out of her mouth before she could catch herself.
"Sure, come in." She stepped aside to allow entry and closed the door behind her. "Why are you fully dressed, is there some kind of emergency?"
She gestured for Mikasa to take a seat on her sofa but she politely declined, maintaining her standing position.
"This is so crucial that you can't sit down?" Hange quirked a brow in confusion.
She then reached for her eye patch and glasses, while Mikasa collected her thoughts.
Now or never, Mikasa.
A bitter chill ran down her spine.
'Deep breath in, inhale out.'
She sighed. "Commander, I have special request that that requires your permission."
"Hm." She made a sound of acknowledgment as she crossed her legs.
"I ... given what has happened recently in Liberio, the loss of one of our best cadets - Sasha Braus, and the heightened tension with Marley as a whole, I've been thinking of possible solutions worthy of pursuance."
"Mmhm." Hange nodded, expression unreadable as she continued to listen.
Mikasa's nervous spiked as well.
"With my previous in mind, and my close companionship with our prisoner - Eren Jeager ... after much consideration I would like to speak with him personally, regarding his participation in recent events."
Silence filled the bedroom, heightening her anxiety tenfold as she waited for a response.
Another ten seconds ticked by before she said anything.
"Have you been to the prison recently?" The question was rhetorical, given she already knew the answer. "You should see the improvements that have been made. Did you know some of them have functional plumbing now?"
"N-no, I didn't." She stammered, unsure of what was happenin.
"It's true, if you can believe it. And how I know is because I took a little trip there myself about yesterday. Just took a little stroll to see all the progress and while I was there, I had a very interesting run in with Eren."
Mikasa continued listening.
"I spoke with him through the bars in good spirits," her tone began to shift into something much more serious, "only to find that he was not in the mood to return my enthusiasm. He was ... agitated, to say the least, Mikasa. In short, he didn't want to hear a thing I had to say."
"Hange ..."
"I was only half-asleep earlier; I overheard a great deal of the conversation you had with the others. And I know why you want to see him."
"Please ..."
"I don't know if that's a good idea."
"There are things I need to know, questions I need answered." Her voice was barely above a whisper.
"You've been wearing that scarf," she gestured to the red fabric around her neck, "for as long as I've known you."
She blushed, breaking eye contact with her.
"Do you really believe he's still the same person who gave it to you?"
There it was: the question she had been trying to answer since the day he left.
"I can't say one way or the other until I find out for myself, but this is something I must do. Please don't be worried for me, Commander. I can hold my own, you know that."
Her words hung in the air longer than she anticipated.
"When would you return from Hermina?"
Realistically, she wasn't sure. Depending on Eren's temperament it might be hours - less or more, she couldn't say. If she left on horseback right then, she would arrive outside the prison - formerly a Scout HQ - in about three hours.
"As soon as I possibly could. As you might've heard, there is no guarantee Eren will even want to talk to me. I highly doubt the visit will be a long one."
"If at any moment it seems dangerous, I want you out of there immediately. Understood?"
"Absolutely." Her heart leapt in her throat.
It was finally happening.
"Thank you, Commander. I'll be on my guard."
"Be cautious, Mikasa."
After saying her goodbyes to Armin, she took a steed from the stables in Trost.
The stunning, white and black speckled male was watered and well-fed before she mounted him, then she was off. Holding the reins as he galloped with powerful legs, hooves pistoling into the ground below as they rode as one. The rain had ceased by the time she crossed over to Wall Rose, and her heart thundered in her breast when she saw the prison gates mere meters in front of her.
The only way through was forward.