It didn't matter where I was, what I did, or what happened to me. It was always there, almost like my own shadow.
...Akari-neesan...
The memories of the past, they never went away. They were always there, always waiting to be remembered. I closed my eyes, trying to calm my breathing; but it was of no use. My mind was racing, filled with a whirlwind of thoughts.
I felt like crying, but the tears just couldn't come. I felt like screaming, but my voice just wouldn't come out.
I could hear the sounds of blows landing on soft skin as my mother beat Akari-neesan; her cries and screams of pain as Mother hit her, while I hid underneath the bed, my hands clamped over my ears, trying not to make a sound.
The sounds of the rain hitting the windows, and the sound of my own heart beating in my chest.
The sight of Akari crying to herself, hidden away in a tight corner, so that others could not see her tears.
The sight of the bruises and cuts that covered her arms and legs, the result of our mother's beatings.
The sounds of my own breathing as I stood outside, under the cold, dark night sky, the rain pouring down on me, my body shaking, tears streaming down my face. The memories were all there, but I just couldn't cry. I couldn't scream. I could only stand there, feeling helpless and alone.
I could feel the warmth of Akari-neesan's hands, holding mine.
I could hear her voice, whispering in my ear.
Watching helplessly as she suffered merely to keep me safe.
"Why couldn't it have been me instead? Sister, why did you have to go?"
"Because you're my little sister," she said, her voice barely a whisper.
"I love you."
"Sister..."
"You're everything to me."
"But... why...?"
"Because I love you."
I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't hold it in any longer.
I started crying.
"Please, please... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."
I didn't care about anything anymore.
"I'm sorry, Akari-neesan. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
All I could do was repeat those words over and over, even as my vision grew darker and darker.
"Fujimiya-san!"
My vision slowly cleared and returned to normal as I groggily came to, and I blinked as I looked around the area. I was back in Class 2-A, my head laid against the table with my arms underneath it as a head-rest. And the face of Itomaki Kikuyo, staring down at me, her expression a mix of concern and confusion.
"Huh...? What is it, Itomaki-san?"
"I, err, umm, well, you were..." Kikuyo mumbled, seemingly flustered. "Well, you were mumbling stuff and, err, crying a little bit. Are you alright, Fujimiya-san?"
"...yeah," I replied quietly, "I'm fine."
I didn't want her to worry about me. She had enough problems of her own.
"Really?" Kikuyo asked. "Are you sure? You looked pretty bad when you were asleep."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure," I said. "It's nothing, really. Just a bad dream."
"If you say so..." Kikuyo said, looking unconvinced.
"Look, it's fine," I assured her. "It's nothing."
"Well, okay," Kikuyo sighed, "but if you ever need to talk about anything, you know I'm here, right?"
"..." I nodded, giving her a small smile. "Thanks, Itomaki-san. But really, I'm fine. It was just a bad dream, that's all."
Kikuyo gave me one last worried look before turning back to her desk, muttering under her breath, "Yeah, right. You weren't crying for nothing..."
I pretended not to hear that.
I could still feel the tears streaming down my face, even though there weren't any left.
"It's nothing."
"Hey, hey, Fujimiya~"
I turned around to take a glimpse of my addressers...Satsuki, and two other girls I never really bothered to learn the names of.
"What?" I asked flatly.
"Fujimiya Shiho, I presume?" asked Satsuki again, as if she had forgot my name. Or she might've forgotten it already...I didn't really care. She could just butcher my name a thousand ways for all I knew or care.
"...and what does that have to bear with me?" I asked back, keeping my tone blunt and flat.
"...you really seem to be the blunt type, aren't you?" Satsuki replied in a fairly amused tone. "Just as the rumors said. Blunt, aggressive, and perhaps a little bit...based? Absolutely opposite from what a normal schoolgirl should be, though. That's not cute at all."
"Then suck it up and deal with it, you muppet. You can't?"
"Oi oi oi, what the hell was that?" Satsuki replied, her voice raising a few octaves higher. "Do you really want to piss me off, Fujimiya Shiho-kun!?"
"..."
"Hmph. As I thought. You really are an absolute disappointment, Fujimiya."
"...then stop dipping a nose and a half into affairs that you shouldn't be dipping a nose and a half into, you blithering idiot. Stop wasting your and my time, time that's better spent doing shit worth doing, m'kay?"
"Oh dearie me... Fujimiya-san, did you even listen to anything I've been saying up until now? If it bothers you this much, then I suppose I'll try to be more clear for you. This is an order from the student council president—you are to come with us."
"...and I refuse. You don't see I have nothing of worth to you and your agenda, see? So stop wasting your and my time, you blithering idiot, that time's best spent somewhere else."
Satsuki's two companions seemed taken aback slightly at that, but she simply held up a gloved hand to stop them. "That's too bad, for I've taken quite the liking to you. We could've discussed this over tea and crumpets, you know?"
"Then to avoid wasting your and my time any further, stop beating 'round the bush and get straight to whatever the fuck do you want to say." I snapped back in a way that was far more aggressive than I'd intended, then added; "...and quit it with the crap about tea and crumpets..."
"Hah...well, I guess you're right. Very well, then. Since you've asked, I shall speak. But first, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Satsuki Yuzuru, and I am the student council president of Kuromorimine."
"...plus the whole 'daughter of the principal, fwuh whuz Alpha Bitch' thingy. Alright. So?"
"I'll give you the short version then: in a nutshell, with the recent departure of Kuromorimine Girls' Academy's Sensha-dō team's commander, the Student Council formally requests you to replace her as supreme commander."
"And why would I accept your offer?"
"Simple," Satsuki said with a smile, "because I said so. You don't want to go against me, do you?"
I couldn't help but feel a chill run down my spine. I knew what was going to happen next.
"I'm warning you, Fujimiya. You really shouldn't cross me."
"And I refuse, simple as that. There are a few more reasons, such as the fact that I hate Sensha-dō, but we'll start with that."
Satsuki's face darkened.
"I'm warning you, Fujimiya," she said, her voice dropping dangerously low. "You really shouldn't cross me."
"...I already said no. So now stop bothering me."
Satsuki's eyes narrowed. "We'll see about that."
A strange sound came to my ears as I walked down the hallways on my way back to class after lunch break, prompting me to turn around to check the source.
"Huh? Is that..."
As I peeked into the classroom, I saw Shiho, with Satsuki right beside her, the latter grabbing the former's arm and pinning it in place, while her other two mooks were right beside her to ensure no resistance of any sort.
"Hey, freak, how's it going?" Satsuki said.
Shiho didn't reply, but the way she stared at Satsuki with an unblinking gaze was a clear indicator that she didn't like her presence.
"Did you hear me? I'm talking to you," Satsuki said, poking Shiho in the chest.
Shiho didn't say anything. She didn't move.
"Hey, what's wrong with you? Answer me, you stupid bitch!"
Shiho remained silent, staring straight at Satsuki.
"Why won't you say anything!? Say something! Answer me!"
"..."
"Answer me!"
"..."
"Answer me!"
"..."
"ANSWER ME!"
"I've told you several times already," Shiho suddenly spoke. "You are the one who needs to leave me alone."
"Haaah!?" Satsuki snarled.
"Stop bothering me," Shiho said flatly. "If you have no business with me, then get out."
Satsuki's expression became livid. "Who do you think you're talking to!? I'm the daughter of the school principal! Do you have any idea what kind of trouble you could get into if I just said the word!? You can't just go around telling people to leave you alone!"
Shiho remained unmoved. "You're not a goddess or a queen, Satsuki-san. You are just a person like the rest of us. The only difference is that you think you're better than everyone else."
"You little...!"
Satsuki swung her hand back and slapped Shiho across the face.
"Don't talk to me like that!"
Shiho didn't move, didn't speak, didn't even flinch. She just stared at Satsuki, her eyes cold and hard.
"I've had enough of your shit, Fujimiya. You think you're so cool, huh? Think you're better than me, is that it? Well, we'll see about that."
Satsuki pulled her fist back and threw a punch at Shiho's face. But Shiho didn't try to dodge or block it, she just took it.
Satsuki punched her again, and again, and again, but Shiho still didn't move.
I remained hidden around the corner, unable to bring myself to watch. It was too painful.
After a few more hits, Shiho fell to the floor, blood running down her face.
"Had enough?" Satsuki said, smiling down at her.
Shiho didn't answer.
"Hey, freak. You still with us? Or are you dead yet?"
Shiho's only response was a low groan.
"Oh, so you're still alive. That's good."
Satsuki turned and walked away, laughing.
"Well, you got off lucky this time, freak. But don't think I'm done with you."
Shiho watched as she left, and once she was gone, she slowly stood up, her face covered in bruises and cuts.
Shiho staggered out of the classroom, looking completely disoriented.
I had to stop myself from rushing to her side, knowing that it would only make things worse. Instead, I followed her at a safe distance, making sure to stay out of sight.
"Why are you following me?" Shiho asked, stopping and turning to face me.
"I-I'm not following you, I was just..." I said, unable to meet her gaze.
"Leave me alone," Shiho said.
"But..."
"Please," she begged, her voice cracking. "Please, just leave me alone."
"But I don't understand," I replied, confused and hurt.
"You don't have to understand," Shiho said, her voice becoming cold and distant. "All you have to do is leave me alone."
I was silent for a moment.
"If that's what you want," I finally said.
I turned and walked away, leaving Shiho alone in the empty classroom.
I didn't know what else to do. I had never seen her like this before. She seemed so lost and confused, so fragile and broken.
"It's okay, I'll leave you alone," I said, turning back to face her one last time.
"I'm sorry," Shiho whispered, tears streaming down her face.
I didn't say anything, I pretended not to see her like that. I just kept walking, leaving Shiho standing there alone.
I wanted to help her, but I didn't know how.
I used to live in a happy family. Used to. There was the four of us, Father, Mother, me, and Onee-chan. Akari-neesan. The four of us were happy, until...until it all came crashing down.
Father and Mother were fighting a lot. They were always shouting at each other, blaming each other for everything. I could hear them yelling, even from inside my room.
I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I just sat in my room, listening to them screaming and yelling at each other.
"It's all your fault! Everything is your fault!"
"If you hadn't spent so much money on that stupid hobby of yours, we wouldn't be in this situation!"
"Don't blame me for your laziness! If you'd gotten a job instead of sitting on your ass all day, we wouldn't be in this mess!"
"I can't believe you would say that to me! You're the one who's always spending money on useless crap!"
"What's that supposed to mean!? Are you calling me useless!?"
"If the shoe fits, wear it! You're a worthless, good-for-nothing piece of shit!"
"Fuck you, you bitch! You don't know what it's like to be a real man!"
"Real men don't sit around drinking beer and watching porn all day!"
"Then maybe I'm not a real man!"
"Yeah, you're not a man. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being!"
"Shut up, you stupid whore! You don't know anything!"
"I know enough. I know you're a pathetic, worthless loser who can't even hold a job!"
"I have a job, you bitch! I'm a truck driver!"
"Oh, a truck driver. Is that supposed to impress me? Are you trying to act tough?"
"What's that supposed to mean!? What, you think I'm not tough enough!?"
"You're not tough at all. You're a fucking pussy!"
"You're the one who's not tough enough! You can't even handle a real man!"
"I'm handling you just fine, you asshole!"
I was on my knees, crying uncontrollably, unable to stop.
"What's wrong with you? Why are you crying?"
I didn't know what to do, how to stop.
"Are you scared?"
I just kept crying.
"You don't have to be scared."
I didn't know how long it was before the crying stopped.
"It's okay. I'm here."
I looked up to see her smiling at me.
"You're not alone."
"...Onee-chan."
"That's right. I'm here."
"Onee-chan."
"What is it, Shiho?"
"Will it ever end? Will it ever stop?"
"I don't know. But I promise you, I'll always be here for you. No matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, I'll always be here. I won't leave you. I won't let you go."
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me. Just hold on. Hold on and never let go."
"I will. I promise."
"Good."
"I love you, Onee-chan."
"I love you too, Shiho. Don't forget, I'll always be here for you. You don't have to be afraid. I'll never leave you."
Even when Father was no longer around, Onee-chan was always at my side...she was so kind to me. She was always there for me, always looking out for me, always making sure that I was okay. Even when things got really bad, she never gave up on me.
But then...
One day, Onee-chan started acting strangely. She would spend hours in her room, staring at the wall, and wouldn't come out even when I called for her. When I finally got her to come out, she looked tired and pale.
"Are you okay, Onee-chan? You look sick."
"I'm fine. I'm just a little tired, that's all."
She smiled, but I could tell she wasn't telling the truth.
"Did something happen at school?"
"No, nothing happened."
"You can tell me if something's bothering you, Onee-chan. I won't tell anyone."
She sighed. "It's nothing, really..."
"Come on, Onee-chan. Please?
"It's really nothing."
"Fine, I'll let it go.
"Just know that if you need to talk, I'm here."
"I know. Thank you."
But as I turned to leave, I noticed something on her arm, and a bad feeling began to creep it's way up my spine. I couldn't put my finger exactly onto it, but...
...no, I knew exactly what it was.
"..."
I set down my backpack against the wall as I entered the house, seemingly devoid of life, eerily silent, but one quick glance told me otherwise. There were two sets of shoes lying by the entrance. I placed mine neatly next to them before stepping into the living room.
The lights were off, and the curtains were drawn shut. The room was bathed in darkness, the only source of light being the light filtering through the curtains. The bedroom door was slightly ajar, and some light was pouring out of it also; I crept up to it on tiptoe mostly out of curiosity. I had no idea why I did it otherwise, but...
"What do you mean, you're not going to help me? I thought you said you would!"
"I didn't say anything like that. You're putting words in my mouth."
"Stop lying! You said you would!"
"I'm not lying. You're just trying to make me look bad."
"Why would I try to make you look bad? What have I ever done to you?"
"You're always accusing me of stuff. You're always saying I'm wrong."
"Because you are wrong! Stop trying to blame everything on me!"
"Stop lying! You're the one who's lying!"
"I'm not lying! You're the one who's lying!"
"STOP SAYING THAT!"
"STOP LYING!"
"NO, YOU STOP LYING!"
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S LYING!"
"I'M NOT LYING! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S LYING!"
"STOP SAYING THAT!"
The bedroom door was ajar. I peeked inside, and what I saw made my blood run cold.
"NO, YOU STOP LYING!"
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S LYING!"
Mother and daughter were screaming at each other, their faces mere inches apart. They were standing in the middle of the bedroom, surrounded by a pile of clothes and other belongings that had been hastily thrown onto the bed and floor. The air between them was tense and filled with rage.
"STOP SAYING THAT!"
"I'M NOT LYING! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S LYING!"
"LIES!"
"THAT'S MY MONEY, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!"
"IT'S MINE, I EARNED IT!"
"LIAR! YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING TO GET IT! YOU JUST SAT THERE AND WATCHED TV ALL DAY!"
"THAT'S A LIE, I'M WORKING TWO JOBS, HOW COULD I SIT AROUND ALL DAY AND WATCH TV!?"
"YOU'RE LYING! YOU NEVER WORK! YOU'RE JUST SITTING AROUND BEING LAZY ALL DAY, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"
I tried to avert my eyes away from the scene,
"IT'S NOT LIES, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S LYING! YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING ALL THE MONEY I EARN ON STUPID THINGS, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE!"
I wanted to walk away,
"I'M NOT LYING, YOU ARE! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S DOING NOTHING WITH YOUR LIFE, YOU'RE JUST A WASTE OF SPACE!"
But I can't.
Slap.
I froze at the sound of flesh striking flesh, my heart racing in my chest.
"You ungrateful bitch!"
The voice was angry and harsh, echoing throughout the room.
"I've done everything for you, and this is how you repay me? You're such a disappointment!"
My breathing quickened, and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I bit my lip, trying to keep myself from crying.
"Why can't you be more like your sister? She would never have done something like this!"
My sister, my big sister. She was always there for me, always helping me. She was so nice, so kind, and she always made me feel better.
"You're worthless. You're a waste of space. I wish you'd never been born."
The words cut deep, and I could feel my heart breaking.
"I wish I had a different daughter. One who was actually worth something."
The pain was overwhelming, but...the tears just wouldn't come.
"I hate you. I wish you were dead."
The words stung, cutting deeper than any knife ever could.
"I wish I'd never had a daughter. I wish you were never born."
I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. Onee-chan, what am I supposed to do?
"I hate you. I wish you were dead."
The words echoed in my mind, playing over and over again.
"I hate you. I wish you were dead."
They were meant for Akari...but they hit me just as hard.
I'm sorry, Onee-chan, I'm sorry.
"I wish you were dead."
I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, or the sobs from escaping. I wordlessly ran off, unable to stand seeing the sight of them, or to listen to their words.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I repeated over and over again, as if it would erase the memories and the pain.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
"I'm sorry."
Please, please forgive me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
...I'm sorry.
Every day when I left home for school, Akari would be there to see me off; every day when I came back, she would be there to greet me. There were times when she couldn't be there because of her part-time jobs and other things she was doing, but most days, she was waiting for me.
...I just can't look at her the same way I used to anymore. Every day, I'd see her. Every day, I'd see how she'd changed.
It hurt, seeing her like this. It hurt so much, knowing what she was going through. But no matter how much it hurt, I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it.
We'd sit together on the couch, watching TV, and I'd watch her. She'd laugh at the shows, smile at the commercials, and sometimes she'd even cry when a sad part came on. But no matter how much I watched her, no matter how much I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be okay, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I couldn't do anything, because I was scared. Scared that she wouldn't want me, scared that she'd push me away.
"..."
Even though she tried to hide it, I could still see the subtle traces of the bruises that covered her arms and legs; the small cuts and scratches on her face, hands, and neck; the dark circles under her eyes; and the way she would flinch when someone touched her.
It hurt to see her like this.
I just wished I could do something, anything, to help her. But I couldn't. All I could do was sit there, watching her, wishing I could do more. I felt helpless, useless, worthless. And that hurt more than anything.
Akari never complained. She never said anything, but I could see the pain in her eyes. I could see the hurt and the anger and the sadness. But most of all, I could see the loneliness. She was alone. She was all alone, and there was nothing I could do to help her. I was helpless, useless, worthless. I couldn't even be there for her, couldn't even offer her the slightest bit of comfort or support. I couldn't even reach out and touch her, couldn't even give her the smallest hint that I cared, that I was there for her. I was worthless, useless. I was nothing.
She was always here for me, and yet I, her own sister, couldn't do anything to return the offer.
...I really am worthless.
...I'm sorry, Onee-chan.
I thought things would get better, eventually, just like Akari had assured me, but it merely became worse.
My mother had never been a particularly nice woman. She'd always had a short temper and a tendency to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation, but the situation with our parents' divorce when I was in the first grade merely made things worse. She drank, she yelled, and she hit us when she thought we needed it, which was pretty much all the time.
Let me amend that, she always hit Akari. Never me.
She'd always tell me that it was Akari's fault that our father had left, that she'd driven him away with her constant demands for attention. She'd told me that Akari was the reason that we had to live in such a shitty apartment, that Akari was the reason that our family was falling apart. She'd told me that Akari was a selfish bitch who didn't care about anyone but herself, that she didn't deserve the love and support that our mother was giving her. She'd told me that Akari deserved everything she got.
I knew otherwise. I knew that it was our mother who was the cause of all our problems, that it was our mother who was the real problem. But I couldn't say anything. I couldn't tell anyone, not even Akari. I couldn't, because I was scared.
I was scared of what our mother would do to me if she found out. I was scared of what she would do to Akari. I was scared of what she would do to us. I'd always known that our mother was a bad person, but I'd never realized just how bad she really was until now.
It's all your fault, I would think, You're the one who's the real problem here, not Akari.
But I didn't have the courage to say it.
Mother, stop hurting Onee-chan!
I would think it. I would think it over and over and over again, but I never had the courage to say it. I never had the courage to stand up for her. I never had the courage to protect her. I never had the courage to save her.
I could only hide around a corner as the shouting match continued, helpless and worthless and useless. I could only listen to the sound of her screams and her pleas as my mother beat her, over and over and over again. I could only sit there and watch, doing nothing, as my sister suffered.
I could only hate myself for my weakness, for my cowardice, for my inability to do anything. I could only hate myself for being so useless, so worthless, so powerless.
I'm sorry, Akari.
I'm sorry, Akari.
I'm so, so sorry.
It's all my fault.
I'm the reason you're suffering.
I'm the reason you're in pain.
It's all my fault.
All my fault.
My fault.
It's all my fault.
"Onee...chan..."
I turned around to see what was really going on, only to see Shiho asleep at her seat again; turning uncomfortably to the right side and breathing heavily.
"...no, don't...leave me...don't leave..."
I almost immediately felt my heart sink. I myself was no stranger to nightmares, but Shiho seemed to have it worse than I did. She turned again, murmuring and fidgeting, but not quite waking up. I couldn't help but wonder what was going on inside her head, what kind of nightmares were causing her to suffer like this. I wanted to help her, but I didn't know how.
"No...please, don't leave me..."
Her voice sounded so lost, so scared, that I couldn't help but reach out and touch her hand.
"Shiho," I said quietly. "Shiho, wake up."
She didn't wake up, so I tried again, shaking her gently.
"Shiho, wake up."
This time she woke with a start, and nearly fell out of her chair.
"What?" she asked groggily. "Where am I?"
"You're at school, remember?" I said.
"School..."
"You fell asleep in class, again."
"Class...yes, I fell asleep..."
"How are you feeling? Are you okay?"
"I...I'm fine."
"Really?"
"I'm fine."
"Are you sure? You don't look fine."
"I'm fine, I said."
"Shiho."
"What?"
"You were crying in your sleep."
"Was I?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"..."
"If you need someone to talk to, I'm here."
"Leave me alone."
"..."
"I just...don't want to talk about it."
"Okay."
"Thanks, though."
"..."
"Just...don't bring it up again, alright?"
"Alright."
I could only smile and nod.
It's raining.
My footsteps made splashes in the ground as I walked down the sidewalk leading towards home, an umbrella over my head to keep myself away from the rain. I shivered as a cold breeze blew past, the wind blowing through the trees and causing leaves to rustle and branches to sway. The sky was gray, and the streets were empty. The rain was falling in sheets, and the world was soaked.
I sighed and pulled my coat tighter around me, trying to stay warm. I'd always hated the rain. It was cold, wet, and miserable, and it made everything feel cold and dreary. And worst of all, it seemed to always make me feel depressed.
Onee-chan would be either home, preparing dinner or doing homework, and then Mother would come home and...
...No. I wasn't going to think about that.
The sound of the rain falling on my umbrella was soothing, and the rhythmic sound of my footsteps helped to keep me focused. I could feel myself starting to relax, and some of the tension that I'd been feeling lately began to ease.
"It's going to be okay, Shiho," I said to myself. "Everything's going to be alright."
I repeated that to myself over and over as I continued walking. I repeated it to myself, even though I knew it wasn't true.
At least...it was the last day I had at primary school, the graduation ceremony would be tomorrow, I would be at home for quite a while after that to be with Onee-chan. She was also going to graduate from middle school by next week, and leave home for a high school far, far away from home, and would probably not be back again until she graduated.
As the rain poured down, and the wind blew cold and harsh, I continued to walk, and the sound of the rain hitting my umbrella and the street echoed loudly.
"..."
I stopped right next to the park near the apartment complex where I was living at. It was almost always deserted, but today was different.
The familiar sailor-uniform I could recognize from sight was drenched in the rain, soaking even the thigh-highs and shoes that Onee-chan was wearing, her legs dangling in mid-air as she just sat there on the swing, unmoving, and staring at the rain pouring down.
"..."
I couldn't tell whether the raindrops or tears were dripping from her face.
"...Onee-chan?"
Akari didn't respond. She just sat there, motionless, staring straight ahead at nothing.
"Akari?"
Still no response.
"Akari, please."
She didn't move. She didn't make a sound.
"Akari," I said, putting my hand on her shoulder.
She flinched, and her eyes widened. She looked at me, and I could see the tears running down her face.
"Onee-chan," I said, "it's me, Shiho."
Akari blinked, and shook her head. "Leave me alone, Shiho."
"Onee-chan, please. Please come home with me."
Akari's face darkened. "I don't have a home. Not anymore."
I felt my stomach drop. "Onee-chan—"
Slap.
I instinctively reeled back as the pain from Akari's attack began to make itself known in my left cheek.
"Stop calling me that!" Akari screamed.
I was silent.
Akari's usual smile was no longer...it was something I just can't describe. Anger, fear, sadness...and...something else.
"You don't have the right to call me that anymore."
I swallowed hard.
Akari stared at me for a moment, her expression unreadable, then turned away.
"Just leave me alone."
"Onee—"
"Just fucking leave me alone, dammit!"
She then took off running, leaving me behind, unable to do anything but look onwards as her receding form disappeared in the rain.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how to help her.
I was so powerless.
So useless.
So worthless.
March 5th, 1983.
We got over the incident, eventually, but I just can't help but feel the gap that was starting to separate us now. She would greet me in the morning with a strained smile, take her schoolbag and walk off to school, and come back in the evening, her hollow expression only breaking a few times throughout the day whenever we would eat dinner together.
...but today, she seemed to be her old self, albeit a little less cheerful.
"Good morning, Shiho."
"Ah, Onee-chan, good morning."
"Did you sleep well?"
"Ah, yeah."
"Good, I'm glad."
I couldn't help but smile. It was a nice, normal conversation, and it felt good to have it.
"What do you want for breakfast? I can make something quick if you'd like."
"No need to, thanks...it's your birthday, after all, Onee-chan, let me do this for you."
"...okay, thanks, Shiho~" Akari responded, her smile a genuine one, for once.
I walked out of the shop with a medium-sized box in my hands, the outer plastic window of the packaging offering me a clear view of the stuffed teddy bear inside, bandaged up, obviously, for he was Boko, the bandaged teddy everyone loved, my sister included. A ribbon was tied around the bear's neck, and the words 'Happy Birthday' were printed on the bow.
It was Akari's birthday today, and I wanted to get her something nice.
I walked down the pathway leading to Akari's middle school with light footsteps, the box clutched tightly in my hands. The sun was shining brightly overhead, and a gentle breeze blew through the air. It was a beautiful day, and I couldn't help but smile as I thought about the joy that this would bring her. It was the last day of school, the graduation ceremony would be held later, and we'd both be at home for quite a while, especially Akari. She'd have time to rest, and hopefully, she'd finally be able to get some peace and quiet.
I continued down the pathway, looking forward to seeing her reaction. I could already imagine her face lighting up as she opened the box and saw the teddy bear, the joy and happiness in her eyes. I could already hear her voice, saying "thank you, Shiho." I could already see the smile on her face, the tears in her eyes.
I'd finally get to see her happy again.
I continued walking down the path, feeling lighter than air. The wind blew gently, and the sun shone brightly overhead. It was a perfect day.
I walked past the school gates, and towards the front doors. The building was relatively new, having been built only a few years ago, and the campus was immaculately maintained. It was a testament to the care and pride taken by the students and faculty in the school, and a sign of their dedication to excellence.
As I approached the front doors, I could hear the sounds of students laughing and talking. Their voices carried across the courtyard, and the noise filled the air with a lively atmosphere. The sight made me smile.
...but not for long.
Akari said that she'll come over when it had ended and she was free to come over to me, and had told me to wait for her at a remote corner of the courtyard right below an empty classroom, where the shade from the building's rooftop would shield me from the sun's harsh rays. The sun began to set as the afternoon turned into evening, it's rays turning from white to orange, bathing the entire courtyard in a warm, golden glow. I was sitting on the ground, my back leaning against the wall of the building. I could feel the heat radiating from the concrete, and the warmth of the sun on my face. The breeze was light, and the air was cool and fresh. It was the perfect day for a graduation ceremony, and the perfect weather for it.
...but she never came.
The voices of the other students eventually died down as the ceremony came to an end. I sat there, waiting, listening to the silence, waiting for Akari to show up. But she never did.
The minutes passed, and the shadows grew longer. The sun continued to set, and the air grew cooler. And still, Akari didn't come.
The sky was a deep orange by the time the last of the students had left. The wind had picked up, and the air was cold. The sun was now a red disk on the horizon, and the shadows had all but disappeared. The school was silent, and the air was still. I stood there, looking at the empty courtyard, waiting for Akari to come. But she never did...
"Hey, what are you waiting for?" someone asked beside me. When I turned around, I saw a girl who was with the other graduees before; her sailor-uniform, knee-highs, and light brown hair. I didn't know her name, though.
"I'm waiting for my sister," I said. "She was supposed to come and pick me up after her graduation ceremony."
"I see," she replied. "And she's late, isn't she?"
"Yes," I replied. "She's very late."
"I'm sorry," the girl said. "I'm sure she'll be here soon."
"Yeah," I said. "I'm sure she will."
We both stood there for a while, neither of us saying anything. The wind blew softly, and the sun continued to set.
"Well," the girl finally said. "I'd better get going. My parents will be worried."
"Okay," I said.
She smiled at me, then turned and walked away, her footsteps echoing loudly on the pavement. I watched her until she was out of sight, then turned back to look at the empty courtyard...
Thump.
It took a few seconds for my mind to actually register that something had fallen onto the ground from above, directly in front of me, the impact kicking up a cloud of dust. Or rather, someone.
...no.
My eyes widened, my blood turning cold.
...it was Akari.
"...how?"
I didn't have any words. I didn't have any questions. All I had was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and an overwhelming sense of dread.
Her body was limp, unmoving, her eyes closed. She was lying on her side, her legs curled up, her arms bent, and her face was turned away. A pool of blood was already starting to form around her head, staining her hair. Her school uniform was soaked, and her skin was pale.
This can't be real.
I rushed over to her, and dropped to my knees beside her. My heart was racing, and my breathing was shallow and rapid. I put my fingers to her throat, and felt for a pulse.
There was nothing.
This can't be real.
I put my ear to her chest, and listened for a heartbeat.
There was none.
No. No, this isn't happening.
I began shaking her.
"Onee-chan, wake up. Please, Onee-chan. Wake up!"
I was screaming now.
"Onee-chan, please! Onee-chan, wake up! Onee-chan!"
My eyes burned with tears. My voice cracked and my throat ached. My heart felt like it was going to explode.
This can't be happening.
Please. Please, no.
This can't be happening.
I felt myself begin to hyperventilate, and I struggled to control my breathing. My vision blurred, and my body trembled. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't do anything.
This can't be happening.
Please.
This can't be happening.
Not her. Not again.
This can't be happening.
"Onee-chaaaaan!"
I could hear the clattering of footsteps as several security guards heard me and began to rush over, but I ignored them. Ignored reality.
...I tried to convince myself that this was merely another bad dream, but...it wasn't.
It wasn't.
They say that bullying doesn't come and go on it's own, it merely changes targets and perpetrators.
...Yeah, no shit.
Satsuki and her mooks stopped going after me after that incident, they went after Shiho instead.
At first, it was only a couple of shoves or name-calling, but then it escalated. They started writing mean things on her desk, hiding her belongings, and even tripping her when she was walking.
But Shiho didn't say a word about it. She didn't even acknowledge it. She just ignored them.
She didn't say or even react when she saw that her shoes had been drenched by Satsuki, she just put them on nonetheless and walked home, changing into new socks when she got there and aired them out to dry. I saw her with a second pair the next day, apparently having been swiped off a store along the way.
When her umbrella got stolen, she didn't even do as much as bat an eye, and just headed on home without any shelter against the rain whatsoever, keeping her stuff inside a bag that was conveniently waterproof, luckily enough.
She never even complained once.
It was as if she didn't care about herself, as if she wasn't even alive. I tried to tell her to stand up for herself, but she wouldn't listen. She just kept telling me to stay out of it, that it was none of my business.
It hurt. It hurt that I couldn't do anything.
I was scared. Scared of what would happen to Shiho, scared of what they would do to her.
But mostly, scared of them.
I didn't want to become their next target. I didn't want to become the next one they would torment. So I did nothing.
I did nothing and I hated myself for it.
...but then, one day, Satsuki and her gang decided to push things a bit too far.
I was about to go home for the day when Satsuki entered. Shiho was on the other side of the locker as me, but I headed over to the edge and watched as Satsuki approached her.
"Well, well, look who's here," Satsuki sneered. "How's your day been, freak?"
Shiho didn't reply. She was sitting on a bench, her eyes closed and her head down.
"Hey, freak. Answer me."
Satsuki reached down and grabbed a fistful of Shiho's hair, pulling her head up.
"Answer me when I talk to you."
Shiho didn't respond, and Satsuki yanked her head back even harder.
"I'm talking to you, freak."
Shiho kept her eyes shut, refusing to look at her.
Satsuki let go of Shiho's hair, then slapped her across the face.
"Open your eyes."
Shiho didn't move, didn't react.
Satsuki grabbed her by the collar and pulled her face close.
"Open your eyes, freak."
Shiho's eyelids fluttered open, revealing her dead, lifeless eyes.
"You know what's wrong with you?" Satsuki asked, her voice dripping with disdain. "You think you're better than everyone else. You think you're smarter, you think you're stronger, you think you're better. You think you're better, but you're not. You're not better. You're just a freak. You're just a stupid, ugly freak."
Shiho didn't respond, didn't move, didn't blink.
"Why won't you say anything? Answer me! Answer me!"
Satsuki slapped Shiho again, and Shiho's head jerked to the side, but she didn't make a sound.
"Answer me! Say something! Say anything!"
Satsuki was practically screaming now, her voice echoing off the walls of the locker room.
"I'm talking to you! Answer me, you freak! Answer me!"
Shiho remained silent, not even bothering to flinch. It was almost as if she was dead, her eyes completely devoid of life or emotion.
"...oi Shiho..." the other girl in the group asked, seemingly trying another angle of approach. "Do you have any sisters before~?"
"Used to," Shiho replied curtly, the first time that she actually opened her mouth to speak since Satsuki and her mooks began.
"Oh really?" Satsuki replied, a sadistic smile forming on her lips. "How is she like?"
"...dead."
"Oh."
"Right on her graduation day," Shiho replied. "She just jumped."
"Jumped?"
"Off a school-rooftop," Shiho replied in a tone colder than even the coldest of blizzards. "Right in front of me."
"Ah..." Satsuki responded, clearly enjoying every bit of it. "Must have been traumatizing for you, huh?"
"What do you think?"
"I wonder what that must have felt like," Satsuki said, her eyes flashing with a predatory gleam. "To watch your sister jump right off a building and fall to her death. Must have been horrible, watching the person you loved most in the world die right before your eyes. Must have been horrible, hearing the sound of her body hitting the pavement. Must have been horrible, feeling her blood splatter all over you. Must have been horrible, listening to her scream as she fell. Must have been horrible, watching the light fade from her eyes. Must have been horrible, watching her life fade away."
Shiho clenched her teeth, and her hands curled into fists. She was trembling with anger, but she kept her mouth shut.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Satsuki sneered. "Did I hit a nerve?"
Shiho said nothing, but her jaw tightened.
"Maybe it wasn't so horrible," Satsuki continued. "Maybe you liked it. Maybe you liked watching your sister die. Maybe you wanted her to die. Maybe you were jealous of her. Maybe you were happy when she died. Maybe you were glad when she jumped..."
"...ll you..."
"What was that?"
"...ll you..."
"What was that, you freak? Can't handle it?"
"...ll you..."
"Speak it out loud, you idiot!"
Shiho's expression when she finally elevated her own eyes to meet that of Satsuki was one that might as well be able to slice cleanly through steel as if it were butter.
"I'll kill you."
She then lunged.
One moment, she was standing right there, the next, it was a scene straight clean from an action movie. Shiho grabbed Satsuki by the wrist and twisted it upwards. I could hear the sound of bones cracking as she did so, Shiho twisting it hard and suddenly enough to dislocate Satsuki's shoulder. And her wrist.
The pain must have been excruciating. Satsuki's eyes widened in shock and her mouth opened in a silent scream, but Shiho gave her no reprieve. A swift knee to her stomach sent her buckling over, but Shiho wasn't done with her, a second punch to the face sent her head against the lockers with more than enough force to leave them with a nasty dent, the impact causing her to fall limply to the ground.
The second girl was reeling back in a mix of surprise, fear, and shock, but Shiho grabbed her by the hair and slammed her cleanly into the locker, smashing her face in, the loud sound of a head slamming against a metallic surface reverberating throughout the entire room.
The third one turned to run, but Shiho's had swung around in a perfect karate chop maneuver to catch her cleanly in the side of the head, sending her falling to the ground onto Shiho's foot, and Shiho then kicked her away, into a second row of lockers, as if the girl who looked like the would wipe the floor with her in a straight up fistfight was a soccer ball.
Shiho's face remained an emotionless mask, even as she dispatched all three of them with relative ease...but...
"..."
A tear formed in the corner of Shiho's eye, she put her hand up to wipe it away, but her hand was trembling so much that it was nearly impossible to hold her face.
"...Shiho?" I asked as I approached her.
"..."
She didn't reply. She didn't look at me. She just stared straight ahead, her gaze focused on nothing. Her eyes were empty, her expression was blank, her face was pale.
"..."
She stood there, frozen, her body shaking, her hands clenched into fists, her breathing shallow and rapid. She was trembling. Her whole body was shaking.
"..."
She was silent. She didn't say a word. She just stood there, her eyes wide, her body shaking.
"Shiho, I..." I tried, but stopped. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help her.
Shiho stepped away from the scene slowly and deliberately, her shaking hand over her eye to stem the tears flowing out of her eyes, and left the place.
The apartment's interior was sparsely decorated, yet messy beyond belief, but I bolted inside without caring about it at all, not even in the slightest. I flung open the door with a rough, crude motion, the door squealing on it's hinges begging for oil and attention...but I just can't care less. I didn't even bother to take off my shoes, my feet dirtying the tatami-covered floor. I just bolted inside, shoes and all, before coming to a halt inside my bedroom, a mess of clothes littering the place replacing the floor, but my mind was nowhere near it.
A single teddy-bear lay on the bedside table, the same one that I had got for my sister's birthday, but never got to deliver to her, as she died on that very day. A photograph hung on the wall, the picture depicting the last time I had seen her, her smile genuine, her eyes sparkling; taken during the day of my graduation from primary school, when I was eleven.
The memories just came rushing back, and I couldn't hold them back. I didn't even try. I just let them wash over me, the pain and the sadness and the guilt.
The smell of her blood as it soaked my clothes.
The feel of her lifeless body as I held her in my arms.
The sight of her broken and twisted corpse as the medics loaded her into the ambulance.
The taste of her blood as it dripped from my fingers.
I tried not to think about it. I tried to block it out. I tried to push it away. I tried not to remember.
But it was no use.
...I just couldn't take it anymore.
The tears flowed freely down my face as I gripped the little teddy bear and held it tight to my body, letting the sobs wrack my body and the pain wash over me. I couldn't control myself, and I didn't try.
...I had tried to convince myself that it was a dream before...but it wasn't.
The light of the sunset filtering in though the window cast a red glow on everything, no differently from my current inner state of mind.