Last time, on Total Drama: Revenge of the Island! Our campers were sent out into the woods with one goal - shoot the other team! With paintballs, of course. Things got messy. Things got heated. But in the end, it was the Mutant Maggots who triumphed over the Toxic Rats thanks to a last-minute save by Shawn. The Toxic Rats had to send another person home, and this time it was the rich princess Dakota. We were all relieved. Especially her. Who else has overstayed their welcome on Camp Wawanakwa? Find out right here on Total! Drama! Revenge of the Island!
Intro plays.
The mess hall is serving characteristically unappetizing food. It's not even clear what exactly the food even is, other than a colorless blob.
"Man, this sucks," Sam laments.
"Not if you mix protein powder in it like Lightning. Sha-bam!" Lightning pours some granulated protein on his food and takes a huge bite. He immediately chokes and spits it out.
"Well yeah, the food's bad. But I meant the elimination ceremony last night."
"What? Losing more dead weight?" Topher scoffs. "Dakota was useless, she was only dragging us down. Just like Max. And Staci."
"Yeah… I guess…"
Jasmine jumps in. "Sam has a point though. We can't keep losing. Soon the next one on the chopping block will be one of us."
"Not Lightning though, that's for sure!" Lightning flexes his biceps. He takes another large bite of his food and chokes again. "Dang, what's wrong with Lightning's food?"
"You know you're supposed to chew, right?" Scott says.
"Lightning IS chewing. But taking bigger bites is good jaw exercise!"
"So is talking, which you're doing. A lot."
LIGHTNING CONFESSIONAL: What is this team's problem? They keep losing and now they're hating on their best player! Must be that LOSER mentality. Not for me!
At the Maggots table, things are looking more positive. "Great job on the challenge yesterday, Shawn!" Mike praises.
"Thanks, man!"
Zoey squints skeptically at Mike. "Yeah. Great job…"
ZOEY CONFESSIONAL: I can't get a read on Mike. Last challenge he was completely unstable and now he's acting as if nothing happened. It's weird.
"Sky did a great job, too! Right?" Dave says desperately, side-eyeing Sky. Sky winces and feigns a smile.
"Thanks, Dave."
DAVE CONFESSIONAL: She said my name! I read girls only refer to people by name when they want that person to like them. Dave. It sounds so much better when she says it.
"Alright campers!" Chris enters the mess hall. "Who's ready for today's challenge?"
Tired and exasperated faces look back at him. Except Topher. "I am, Chris!"
"Good! So today's-"
"Chris, I don't think this food is good for my pores. Or my gut microbiome. These are essential for looking and acting good on TV. Don't you want your show to be full of good-looking people?"
"No… I don't want anyone stealing MY spotlight!"
TOPHER CONFESSIONAL: How am I supposed to make a good impression on the TV executives watching when I look like I crawled out of a sewer? A sewer full of rats! And… other gross stuff!... I bet Chris has some useful stuff in his trailer. Healthy food, makeup, hair gel… I need it ALL!
"As you have no doubt already learned, this island is home to some 'unique' wildlife," Chris continues. "Wildlife that some 'scientists' want to study. And by scientists, I mean the highest bidder - a privatized, slightly illegal genetic modification lab. My 'clients' want some samples of the animals that call Wawanakwa home. YOUR challenge is to collect as many of these animals as you can and bring them back to your team's cage outside. Points will be awarded based on how difficult the animal was to capture. A little rabbit with an extra arm or whatever isn't as interesting as a bear with six arms and fire breath."
"Is that real?" Cameron asks.
"I don't know. Probably. There's all sorts of weird crap out there that no one has seen before. Seen and lived, that is."
Beardo raises his hand, making an ascending slide whistle noise while doing so. "This is safe, right?" he asks.
"It's absolutely not not unsafe," Chris grins at his confusing answer.
"So… It's not? Or it is?" Sam asks, perplexed.
"It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that whatever team does worse will send someone home. Now GO!"
The contestants exit the mess hall. Rodney pitches an idea to his team. "Jasmine's from Australia, she probably knows how to handle crazy wildlife!" He suggests. "We should listen to her!"
"Australia? I thought she was, like, Irish or something," Lightning replies. "Isn't Australia in, like Germany?"
"That's AUSTRIA, and it's a separate country from Germany," Scarlett corrects.
"Well, just because I'm Australian doesn't mean I know how to handle mutant creatures," Jasmine answers. "There's a difference between handling a nabarlek or a padamelon and handling some bizarre creature you've never even heard of before."
Her teammates stare back awkwardly.
"Uh, what?" Sam says.
"...it doesn't matter. Let's just get a move on."
Dave examines the large cage and rubs his chin in thought. "I don't even know what kinds of creatures are out there. What's the easiest one to catch? Like, a squirrel, or something?" Dave says.
"A squirrel?" Shawn replies, incredulous. "The squirrels here shoot lasers from their eyes, man. Don't you remember?"
"...all of them?"
"I don't know. But just because a creature is small doesn't mean it's harmless."
"I'd be surprised if you could find a creature on this island of ANY size that IS harmless," Jo interjects. "So quit your whining."
A large, three-eyed sparrow lands on Brick's shoulder. "G'ah! Get away! Shoo!"
"Look, that one isn't doing anything bad," Ella says.
"Hey, yeah," Brick becomes relieved. "And it's mutated, too, it's got three eyes. So it counts!"
Ella takes the bird from Brick. "Here you go, little bird. Just stay in this cage for a little while, okay?" The bird chirps in affirmation as Ella places it delicately in the Maggots' cage.
"Amy, since when did you have a ponytail?" Rodney asks Amy as the Toxic Rats walk through the forest.
"Just… felt like putting my hair up today."
"Well, it's just like Samey's new hair. Isn't it?"
"Uh, no. Samey doesn't know how to wear a ponytail. I'm showing her how to do it right. See, I'm a GOOD person. Because I show people how to do things better."
"Oh, right, of course," Rodney says, without a hint of sarcasm.
SAMEY CONFESSIONAL: Amy is trying to copy me. I should have figured this would have happened. Why do you think she started dressing like a cheerleader? Because I did first! Dawn was right, this requires more than just a wardrobe change. Hey, maybe Dawn has an idea on how to settle this!
Samey approaches Dawn, who whirls around before Samey can say anything. "What's wrong, Samantha?"
Samey is taken aback slightly. "How did you know something was wrong?... and how did you know my full name?"
"Oh, I can sense it," Dawn replies assuredly.
Scarlett butts in, attempting to debunk Dawn. "What else is Samey, or Sammy, supposed to be short for? Again, educated guesses don't require some sort of sixth sense. It's just logical."
Dawn's face flashes with irritation but she quickly stifles it. "Why don't you just tell me what you wanted to say?"
"Okay… Well, I was thinking about what you said earlier. You seem to understand Amy so well. Somehow. Why does she keep copying me?"
"It's simple, really. Amy wants to prove her own self-worth. When she sees someone so similar to her doing certain things better than her, Amy's own insecurity flares up and she needs to prove that SHE isn't lesser than you. Think of it as a compliment! She's secretly jealous of your victories."
"You really think that?"
"Of course. It's in her aura."
Scarlett interjects again. "That was basic psychoanalysis. Not 'aura-whispering'."
Dawn grimaces at Scarlett but recovers herself again. "If you want to be at peace with the world, you have to understand those who act out of spite. For example, Scarlett is also insecure about her own intelligence and is upset when someone comes to a conclusion using different methods."
Scarlett rolls her eyes.
SCARLETT CONFESSIONAL: I know I should try to act nice and non-threatening but I'm already starting to get irritated by my team. I was hoping I could hide my general misanthropy towards the unintelligent masses but teenage Thich Nhat Hanh is making it very difficult with her hippie garbage!... but I suppose I should turn down the snark a little bit. You can't make any enemies in a game based on popularity votes. Actually, that reminds me…
As the Toxic Rats walk through the forest, fruitlessly looking for wildlife, Scarlett approaches Scott. "Scott… can we… talk for a second? Privately?"
Scott gives a suspicious look. "What do you want?"
Scarlett stops walking and Scott follows suit. It's a clear signal that they should walk behind the rest of the team so they aren't overheard.
"I know you're purposely losing challenges in order to vote off the competition. You don't need to pretend otherwise. But my worry is this; you're simply not very well-liked by the team. That kind of strategy can only work if there's no risk of you being voted off."
"What do you care if I get voted off?" Scott says, probing for weakness.
"I'm a member of the same team as you. I don't want to keep losing challenges. And if you want to stay in the game, you should stop acting so badly. Sooner or later, someone will catch on."
Scott rolls his eyes. "Whatever."
"Just keep that in mind, Scott."
SCARLETT CONFESSIONAL: He's trying to hide it, but I think he got my message.
SCOTT CONFESSIONAL: She's SO into me.
As the Mutant Maggots walk through the forest, Beardo is beatboxing, which seems to annoy several of his team members.
"Would you please STOP making ANNOYING NOISES?" Dave demands.
Beardo does a record scratch sound effect. "It's called beatboxing, yo. It's an art."
"But is it all you do? That's just like, your thing?"
"Gotta keep the beatboxing muscles limber."
"You're scaring off the wildlife. Probably."
"Since when has this wildlife been scared of us? We should be scared of IT." Beardo's tone remains calm despite his argumentative words.
"Beardo's probably right," Sugar ratifies. "It would take a lot more than a couple of beatbox noises to scare off THIS wildlife. Like THIS!" Sugar motions like she's about to pass gas, but nothing happens. "Oh. False alarm." Her teammates look at her in disgust.
"Yeah it won't scare off the wildlife, but what about US?" Anne Maria retorts. "If I have to listen to 'bsch-ktch-btch-ktch' for one more second, I'm gonna lose it."
Dave grins. "See? Anne Maria agrees."
Anne Maria glares at Dave. "Oh, I'm not agreeing with you, string bean. All you do is complain. You're just as bad!"
Sugar's temper raises slightly. "Yer one to talk, yer complaining right now! All you do is complain about how yer ugly orange paint-job of a tan is getting ruined by bein' outside the city for once in your life!"
"Oh, that's IT! No one insults the tan!" Anne Maria raises her fist and is held back by Zoey and Brick. "Let me go, I'd be doing us all a favor by smakin' that hick in her big mouth!"
JO CONFESSIONAL: It's really a miracle we haven't lost more challenges. And by miracle, I mean ME. What even is this team? Everyone's either a geek, an airhead, or some other lame weirdo. And they all argue over the stupidest things.
The Toxic Rats approach a cave. Lightning speaks first. "Sweet! There's probably a huge animal living in there that will score Team Lightning massive points!" Lightning runs unheedingly into the cave and bolts out a few moments later, screaming. He is chased out by a bear with two heads.
"Heh-heh. Cool," Sam chuckles.
"Team Lightning! Help!" Lightning yells.
Scott notices Scarlett is glaring at him. He remembers what she said. Scott rolls his eyes begrudgingly before putting his hands to his mouth and making a strange, piercing squealing sound that sounds like some sort of dying animal. The bear (bears?) stops chasing Lightning and casually walks up to Scott, entranced by the noise.
"What is that? How did you…" Samey stutters in disbelief.
Scott takes his hands away from his lips. "Bears are attracted to sounds of animal distress. Rabbits, deer, elk - what I just did was a pig cry. We have pigs on the farm so I've learned how to make pig calls."
"I didn't know you were an animal whisperer," Dawn says, clearly impressed.
The bear growls, seemingly irritated that Scott stopped.
"Ok, ok! I'll start again." Scott begins making the pig cry.
"Just lead it to the cage, Scott," Jasmine says. Scott walks toward the center of the island where the cage is.
"If only that noise wasn't as annoying, agh," Sam covers his ears. B reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pair of cotton balls. "Hey, thanks man." Sam puts them in his ears and looks around. "Hey, where's Topher?" Topher is nowhere to be seen. B shrugs.
Topher sneaks around Chris' trailer, with a duffel bag over his shoulder. He listens in and hears no one inside. A peak in the window confirms that the trailer is, in fact, empty. Topher opens the door and jumps inside. He unzips the duffel bag and begins carefully selecting objects. Hair gel. Facial cream. Hydrocolloid patches. He grabs some food out of the minifridge too, making sure not to grab too much as to not immediately arouse suspicion. He takes one last look around and dashes out silently.
TOPHER CONFESSIONAL: This could not have gone more perfectly! I got everything I needed. I tried not to take too much so Chris doesn't immediately notice. Now I can impress any producers watching the show with how handsome and poised I am.
"Look, there's a rabbit!" Cameron points out a rabbit near a bush to his Maggot teammates.
"It doesn't even look mutated," Zoey observes. "It's just a cute, normal bunny."
"I can get it!" Mike says. He enthusiastically attempts to pounce on the rabbit. He gets a hold of it before the rabbit growls menacingly, sprouts a pair of hidden wings, and flies off. Mike loses his grip.
"I got it!" Sugar lobs a stone at the flying rabbit and violently knocks it out of the sky.
"Oh, dear," Ella gasps. "That poor bunny."
"What is wrong with you? That was a defenseless creature," Anne Maria leaps at the opportunity to criticize her least-favorite teammate.
"It caught the dang critter, didn't I?" Sugar says. She walks over to the twitching and obviously-injured rabbit. "See, it's fine."
"Whatever. It'll probably still count for some points," Jo says. "Beardo. Take it back to the cage."
Beardo makes a dinging noise of affirmation. "Can do."
Back at camp, Scott leads the bear into the Toxic Rats' cage.
"Nice going, Scott!" Samey praises. Amy grimaces at the sound of her sister's voice but says nothing.
Topher runs up to the celebrations. "Yay, team! Nice going!"
Rodney looks over at the new arrival. "Topher, what's on your face?" Topher's visage is covered in a thick light-brown paste.
"Oh, it's nothing. It just helps exfoliate my pores."
"Where did you get it? We're kind of in the middle of a challenge here," Jasmine says, more frustrated than curious.
"Oh, just… you know. Around. Yeah!" Topher dodges the question, only stirring more confusion and suspicion in his teammates.
Meanwhile, Beardo puts the rabbit in his team's cage, which already contains the allegedly peaceful bird from before. "There you go, flying rabbit dude." Beardo walks away, not noticing the bird giving the rabbit a predatory glare.
Scott locks up the bear in its cage. He turns around only to find himself face-to-face with two more two-headed bears. "Aah!"
"They must have been attracted by your call!" Jasmine says from a safe distance. "Just lead them into the cell!"
Scott carefully unlocks the cell. "How do I get them to actually go in?"
Topher is eating a plate of sushi he stole from Chris. Jasmine grabs it and lobs the fish meat into the cage. "Hey!" Topher cries. Jasmine's plan works, though, as the subsequent two bears enter the cage. The four heads all squabble over who gets the meat.
"Alright!" Rodney cheers. "Three points! …Or is it six because they've all got two heads?"
"It's probably way more than six," Jasmine says. "Chris said he would grade us on how difficult the animal was to capture and a bear is way harder to catch than the Maggots' bird and… Hey, wasn't there a rabbit in there?"
The Rats look over at the Maggots cage. The bird burps and a tuft of rabbit fur flies out of its mouth.
"Um. Gross," Amy recoils.
The rest of the Maggots walk through the forest. Zoey walks up to Mike. "So… Mike… got any favorite movies?"
"Uh. Yeah! Um. I guess 'Cab Driver'."
Zoey seems suspicious. "Yeah… that's great."
ZOEY CONFESSIONAL: Is that a red flag? Am I being too judgemental? Isn't that a movie about an unbalanced guy with violent anger issues? Why couldn't he just like romance or something? Maybe I am being too judgemental.
Shawn seems more impressed. "Awesome choice, man. 'You lookin' at me?'"
"You lookin' at ME?" Mike says, giving an even more exaggerated impression.
"YOU lookin' at ME?"
"Shut up!" Jo interrupts. "No one is talking to either of you."
"I've never been allowed to watch movies," Cameron adds. "So unfortunately I cannot answer your question, Zoey."
"That's funny, because the guy who wrote that movie wasn't allowed to watch movies as a kid, either," Mike shares.
"I've always been partial to 'Navy Nights'," Brick says, unprompted.
"Oh, I LOVE that movie!" Ella fawns. "I love musicals."
The rest of the team seems surprised to find out that military cadet Brick apparently likes musicals. "Musical?" Jo snickers. Her face twists into a wry smirk. "Captain Brickhead likes musicals?"
"Well, no, it's more than that. It's about, you know, sailors and the military," Brick defends.
"Not really," Ella says. "The sailors are on leave for pretty much the entire runtime… I think it's wonderful you like that movie, Brick. Maybe we can sing some songs together."
The rest of the team bursts out laughing. "Yeah, sing for us, Brick!" Sugar teases. Brick turns beet-red.
BRICK CONFESSIONAL: Oh, why did I say that? I could have said something else… but a cadet never lies. It's part of the code!
Beardo jogs up to the rest of his team. "Yo, I'm back!"
"Good, you nearly missed-" Jo's jab at Brick is interrupted by Chris over the loudspeaker.
"Everyone! Return to camp immediately! There's an emergency!"
"That sounded serious!" Zoey wavers. "I hope no one's hurt."
The contestants rush back to the camp center.
"What's wrong?"
"Is someone hurt?"
"Do we all get to go home?"
"SOMEONE stole from my trailer!" Chris bellows, irate.
"That's it? Who cares," Scott scoffs.
"They took my shampoo! That stuff was custom-made by a trichologist for my BEAUTIFUL do!"
"A what-now?" Brick asks.
"It means a hair specialist. Not like you would know, crew-cut," Chris sneers.
"Ha!" Jo jeers. Brick touches his hair self-consciously.
"Whoever finds out who stole my stuff gets ANYTHING they want! Spa day, pizza, phone call home, whatever," Chris says. "And whoever stole my stuff gets to spend a night on Boney Island."
"Oh, crap!" Topher cries. He gets some skeptical looks. "...that's such a brutal punishment Chris. Great job!"
"Who won the challenge, though?" Sky asks.
"Oh, right," Chris tries to regain his composure. "Well, it seems pretty clear to me. The Rats have a trio of two-headed bears, while all the Maggots have is a lame little birdy."
"What happened to our rabbit?" Jo demands. "Beardo?"
"Yo, I put it in there!" Beardo replies defensively. "Besides, we still would have lost anyway."
"We might have won if you weren't BEATBOXING in the forest," Anne Maria says, putting an acidic emphasis on 'beatboxing' as if it were some vulgar concept.
BEARDO CONFESSIONAL: (sad trombone noise) Wah-wah-wah-wahhh.
Later in the day, the Rats are sitting outside their cabin, celebrating their win.
"Thank goodness we won," Samey says. "I'm so relieved. I was worried we were going to hit some sort of losing streak. But after tonight's elimination, the teams will be balanced again!"
"Of course we won! Lightning Squad always wins!" Lightning declares, striking a triumphant pose.
Sam goes inside the cabin, where Topher is by himself, examining himself in the mirror. He asks quietly, "Hey, Topher, did you steal that stuff from Chris' trailer?"
"What? No! Why?"
"I mean, it's kind of obvious."
"How is it obvious?" Topher takes out an electric razor with "Property of Chris McLean" written on it. He notices and quickly hides it.
"I really want that award, man. Chef confiscated my GameGuy and I can get it back."
"You're going to throw a teammate under the bus for a VIDEO GAME?"
"Plus, you kept telling everyone to vote out Dakota."
"A video game and some snotty rich girl who isn't even into you?"
Sam sighs. "Yeah, maybe you're right. But who can blame a fool in love?" Sam's weak attempt at poetry makes Topher roll his eyes.
"...and our victory is all thanks to Scott!" Scarlett declares, attempting to solidify the standing of the devious traitor in the team's eyes. The team cheers and claps.
"Scott, why do you choose violence on animal life when you work so well with animals?"
Dawn's probingly personal question catches Scott off-guard. "What are you talking about?"
"You've told us all horrific anecdotes about hunting kitchen rats or shooting at squirrels. You should try using your gift instead of choosing anger and cruelty."
Scott scoffs. "Come on. I ain't no animal whisperer. Anyone who grew up on a farm could do that."
SCOTT CONFESSIONAL: What is her problem? I do a good thing for the team and now I get criticized? Stupid tree-hugger.
Elimination ceremony number five commences under the moonlight. Chris approaches the podium and begins the ceremony lit by the nearby campfire. "You've all cast your votes. As you know, whoever receives a regular marshmallow is safe. And wherever receives the toxic marshmallow just got booked a one-way trip home. And a one-way trip away from one million dollars. ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Think about how much that is. Think about what you could do with that. And how much you'd be missing out on if you lost. Just some food for thought!" The Mutant Maggots' expressions range from concern to annoyance. "Anyway, let's get on with it. If your name is called, come up and grab a marshmallow… Zoey."
"Ella."
"Cameron."
"Sky."
"Shawn."
"Mike."
The six of them walk up to the podium one by one, and Chris puts a marshmallow on their stick. Jo, Brick, Dave, Sugar, Anne Maria and Beardo remain uncalled. One of them is going home.
"Next ones safe are…Brick, Jo, and Anne Maria."
"What took you so long to get to me?" Jo demands. "Nobody better be voting for me!" she points an accusatory finger at her team as she gets her marshmallow.
"Also safe is…Dave."
"Phew!" Dave sighs in relief.
"The bottom two." Chris motions to Chef, who emerges from the shadows in his hazmat suit, carrying the toxic marshmallow in its sealed container. Beardo and Sugar tighten up in anxiety at the visual reminder of elimination.
"And the final marshmallow goes to…"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"...Sugar."
"Yeehaw!" Sugar exclaims.
Beardo makes a video game "game over" sound effect.
"Game over," Dave says, relieved.
Chef tosses the toxic marshmallow at Beardo. It goes right through his giant mane of hair, leaving a marshmallow-sized smoking hole. Beardo grimaces as he touches the spot where the marshmallow went through.
At the dock, Beardo is hosed down by the Detox of Shame before boarding the Boat of Losers. "Wait just a minute there, Beardo," Chris says. "This boat is going to have to make a stop at Boney Island, first."
Chef comes up from behind holding Topher by the back of his shirt collar like some mangy dog. "Wait, please! I can't go there! I'm too handsome!"
Chef tosses him in the back of the boat. The boat drives off as Topher continues protesting. Beardo begins freestyling behind Topher's cries, making his yelling almost sound like some sort of spoken-word beat poetry.
Once the boat is out of sight, Chris walks to the beginning of the dock, where Sam is waiting. "I believe I owe you one GameGuy," Chris says, placing Sam's GameGuy back into his possession.
"Aw, man, thanks, I guess. I just wish I could have gotten it back under better circumstances… Topher's going to hate me when he comes back."
"More like IF he comes back!" Chris lets out a quick sadistic laugh. He turns to the camera. "Will Topher make it back in one piece? Will anyone else try to steal my stuff? I sure hope not… but find out next time on Total! Drama! Revenge of the Island!
VOTING RESULTS:
Beardo (8 votes, eliminated): Dave, Jo, Zoey, Mike, Shawn, Sugar, Brick, Cameron
Sugar (2 votes): Anne Maria, Ella
Dave (2 votes): Beardo, Sky