Chapter 10

You're an ass, you're an ass, you're an ASS.

Probably not the healthiest of mantras but the only thing that was running through Beast Boy's head as he made his way out of Ops and toward Raven.

He needed to apologize, and he needed to do it quickly because Beast Boy had made Raven cry. The stoic, seemingly emotionless Raven had leaked water from her eyeballs because of Beast Boy's thoughtless comment, and he felt like an ASS.

While he knew that this older Raven was freer with her emotions than her younger counterpart (and that pregnancy could make said emotions fluctuate on a dime), there were some emotions he never thought to encounter with the sorceress. Tears were definitely one of the last things he wanted to see on her pretty face- especially if those tears were because of him.

He slowly walked down the corridor. His anger at his thoughtless actions made him tremble, and he didn't want to drop the tea in his hands. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt such an overwhelming sense of disappointment in himself. The fury and self-loathing he felt was probably coming off of him like a tsunami. Raven would feel every bit of it, and although she would know his apology would be sincere, he would probably give her a headache to go with her sadness. Hurting her again was the last thing he wanted to do, so he took in deep breaths and tried to reign in his negative feelings.

Luckily, the lavender in the brew in his hand gave off a soothing scent, and with every breath in, the fumes slowly calmed Beast Boy down. His anger was still present but hopefully dimmed down enough not to completely assault Raven's senses.

Finally finding himself outside her door, he paused and glanced at Terra's name etched into the paneling. Although it had been the geomancer's room in the past, and Raven had only ever referred to it as such, Beast Boy didn't think of the blonde every time his thoughts wandered toward this part of the tower- not anymore, at least. It had only been a couple of days, but Raven using the room felt natural, felt right. It was as if a part of her fitted exactly into the space, like the missing pieces of a puzzle. He couldn't tell why exactly- he only knew that he would probably never again associate the starry ceiling and the orange and purple walls with anyone but the violet-haired empath.

A wistful smile graced his lips for a moment but was quickly replaced by a frown once Beast Boy remembered why he was standing outside this door. He lifted a hand to knock on the metal, but curiosity got the better of him, and instead of knocking, he cupped his free hand to the door and tried to listen to the occupant inside.

If his hearing wasn't as acute as it was, he probably wouldn't have heard her muffled sobs or the subtle sound of a tissue being pulled from its box. Her soft sniffles pierced him like bullets of shame, and he laid his forehead on the cool metal and squeezed his eyes shut as he repeated his chant: You're an ass. You're an ass. You're an ass.

Knowing it was now or never, he took a determined breath and pulled himself upright. He steeled himself by holding his chin high, curling his hand into a fist, and knocking on the door.

You're an ass, but it's time to face the music, he thought as he squared his shoulders and dropped his hand, still trembling ever so slightly, down to his side.

"Rae? It's Beast Boy," he said hesitantly. "I, uh, have tea here for you. Can I come in?"

When no answer came, he rocked back on his heels, panic settling in his gut. He had to remind himself that ripping the metal apart and getting down on his knees to beg for forgiveness was probably not the best way to apologize.

Taming down this impulse, he lifted his hand to try knocking again. His arm felt like a hundred pounds as his knuckles hovered over the door, but before he could rap at the metal, he heard a soft, "Come in, Beast Boy," as Raven opened the door with her powers.

Beast Boy gingerly crossed the threshold and took in the sight of the empath. If he hadn't heard her crying from the other side of the door, Beast Boy wouldn't have known that tears had ever fallen down her face. She was in her usual meditative state: straight-backed, cross-legged, and hovering over the bed. Cyborg's Whitney Houston t-shirt stretched across her belly, and her violet hair fell down her shoulders in small waves. Her impassive face betrayed none of the emotions he knew she was feeling, and he almost doubted what he heard on the other side of the door and what he had seen in the kitchen.

But as he got further into the room and closer to the older woman, Beast Boy could see the red that rimmed around her eyes and the inexplicit sadness they seemed to portray. His heart thumped loudly against his chest, and he felt light-headed at the reminder they held such a sheen because of him.

Suppressing the hug he wanted to give her, he held out the warm tea and slapped a tentative, crooked grin on his face. "Lavender. Just a little bit of honey in it." He set it carefully down on the bedside table. "I made it just the way you like it… I think."

With a distorted, teeth-clenching smile drawn onto his face, he watched as Raven slowly turned toward the mug. Her thousand-yard stare at the porcelain put chills down Beast Boy's spine and his eyes bugged as his false grin grew wider.

"It doesn't smell too bad!" He gave off such a phony chuckle that it was almost painful to listen to, even to his own ears. "You might be able to convince me to have one with you." His hand instinctively went behind his neck as he forced another laugh. Why did he always try to fill the silence with humor?

Raven's head moved slowly from the mug to his face and her unfocused eyes seemed to see right through him. Her eerie gaze produced goose pimples up and down his arms and Beast Boy could feel the frostiness that stretched between them.

He gave it a minute, wordlessly counting every second, as the silence seemed to stretch. When the minute was up, Beast Boy audibly swallowed. The air around them hadn't shifted and its lumbering weight was hard to bear. He was going to suffocate from this unyielding darkness they seemed to be enclosed in, and he needed to somehow bring them back into the light.

"Rae?" he asked, her name drenched with uncertainty.

At this, Raven rapidly blinked- as though returning from a trance. Understanding flashed through her eyes, and she slowly turned towards her tea and put her fingers around the handle.

Taking a small sip, she closed her eyes. It seemed to Beast Boy that she was either savoring the flavor or feeling nauseous by it as her eyes remained shut for several deep breaths.

He studied her face, waiting on tenterhooks for her response.

Was there a joke he could say? Should he blurt out his apology? He felt an odd combination of chilled and hollow, and he knew the only way to fill it was to bring her back from this despair.

Still contemplating on what to say and how to say it, Beast Boy suddenly blanched in horror as he watched a single tear fall down her left cheek.

"I'm so sorry! I thought I did it right! Is it too much honey?" He blurted out, appalled at the thought that he and his stupid behaviour continued to make her cry.

Startled at his outburst, Raven opened her eyes in shock, "What? Of course not, Beast Boy." She took another sip to confirm her words.

She raised her eyebrows, "Actually, it's…" She trailed off, looking towards the ceiling. She brought her face back down to Beast Boy's, and there was no mistaking the moisture that had gathered in her eyes.

"It's perfect," she said with a whimper.

Suddenly, a lightbulb over her head burst with a pop. Its glass fell over her hair as she fell from her lotus position on top of the mattress, simultaneously spilling the tea all over the sheets. To top it off, her tears, now flowing freely, were accompanied by wretched sobs. Within a few seconds, she was wet with tears and tea. Mucus was running down her nose, and whatever makeup she had on her eyes was now smeared across her cheekbones.

Beast Boy stood rooted to the spot in disbelief. Seeing a girl cry was never a sight he particularly enjoyed but seeing this brave woman weeping her heart out in such a raw, desperate way was so unexpected- so harrowing- that Beast Boy had difficulty computing it.

Shaking himself out of his mental lapse, Beast Boy threw himself onto the bed, picked up the mug from the sodden sheets, ignored the bits of glass, and rubbed his friend on the back.

"Hey Rae, don't cry. Listen, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it at all. You're going to be the best mother ever. Baking takes tons of practice and is highly overrated. Store-bought ones are just as delicious. You have so many other amazing things to offer kids instead! Think about it- you never have to worry about… about carpooling! You won't have to have one of those lame 'soccer mom' stickers on your car, as you can get your kid to soccer practice in like a minute with one of your portals! All the other kids are going to be stoked to be your kid's friend because-"

"Beast Boy," Raven said, interrupting Beast Boy with a hiccup.

"Ya, Raven?"

"Stop rambling. I know you didn't mean what you said." Her eyes softened, and curled her lips into a small smile, "I don't think there is a malicious bone in your body. Your mouth just gets away with you sometimes."

The tension he didn't realize he was carrying melted away, and his whole body practically hummed in contentment. It would have been incredibly relaxing, but a lingering doubt seemed to echo in his mind. "If it wasn't my dumb comment or the tea, what is it that's making you cry, ummm… again?"

Beast Boy frowned at Raven's blank expression, and he knew the answer.

"Right. Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey, future stuff." He shrugged and picked up her empty mug. "Well, if you can't share, at least let me make you another tea. I'll grab some clean sheets on the way as well."

"Thank you, Beast Boy, but I don't deserve it," Raven quietly said to Beast Boy's back as he walked towards the door.

Beast Boy spun around, "What are you talking about? Of course, you deserve a good cup of tea!"

"No, I mean… I don't deserve your kindness. I don't deserve your friendship. Not with… not with what I've done." Her eyes were glued to the floor.

"What do you mean, what you've done," he parroted back at her. "What could you have possibly done to not deserve my friendship? I thought you said we were friends in the future?" He asked, his tone becoming slightly panicked.

"It's not the future. It's right now," she sighed and adjusted the non-existing wrinkles in her shirt. "I know your emotions have been all over the place since I've arrived and I'm sorry I have put you through this."

Beast Boy studied her as she continued to fuss with her clothes and hair, pulling out the last remnants of the light bulb. He wasn't used to seeing the usual calm, composed Raven so agitated.

"Raven," he said slowly, "I want to help you. Don't worry about everything else. It isn't like this is your fault or anything."

Anxious eyes darted to him. She looked as though she had been caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar and it surprised him.

"Raven?" he said again slowly, a knot gathering between his brows.

Raven studied him and Beast Boy could swear that she was having a mental argument with her herself. He could almost picture her all emoticlones sitting around a table, pitching their arguments while she carefully deliberated. Finally, she gave the barest of nods as if coming to a decision.

"It's time I told you how I got here," she said, straightening her back and schooling her features. "Just…" she exhaled and hunched her shoulders as her chin dropped to her chest, "Just don't judge me too harshly."

"Rae, I could never-"

The look Raven gave him from under her lashes silenced him.

"Ummm….." he rubbed the back of his neck. "How about I give you some tissues," he reached by the nightstand and handed Raven a box, which she took gratefully. "And I'll just sit here and not talk," he nervously chuckled as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Raven nodded and took a few seconds to wipe her tear-streaked face and comb her hair with her fingers.

Perfecting her posture again, Raven closed her eyes and chanted "Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos," between breaths. Beast Boy stayed silent, as promised, but felt himself squirm in his seat. It was almost as if Raven was gearing herself up for a confession. But coming to this time was an accident- she had said so herself. So, what could she be so worked up about?

"I can feel your confusion, Beast Boy," she opened one eye and looked accusingly at the changeling.

With a grin, Beast Boy shrugged his shoulders and then used his fingers to mime that he had zippered his lips.

Raven rolled her eyes at his antics, but the corner of her mouth quirked up ever so slightly.

She took a moment to look straight into Beast Boy's eyes and he returned the stare. He thought of all of the complicated emotions he was feeling at the moment and pushed them all aside. He wanted to project only his admiration and affection for the violet-eyed woman and prayed she could feel it.

"I should start at the beginning," she said, continuing eye contact. He knew she felt the positive vibes he was sending her. Despite this, a single tear fell down her cheek only to be hastily wiped away.

"I never thought about children. Growing up, I never thought I'd make it past my 16th birthday, let alone be a mother. It was just never in the equation for me. Even when I first got together with my husband, it was so far from my mind. I'm not entirely human, so I wasn't sure I was even able to conceive. We hardly ever even talked about it as not only am I so different, but his DNA is rather…. unique," she said with a curve to her lip. "It was something that we didn't think was even possible. When we found out I was pregnant," she stopped and gently rubbed her belly, a wistful expression on her face, "we were both so surprised and excited. I don't think I've ever seen him so happy." She stared out to a point above Beast Boy's head, lost in her memories.

After another moment of reflection, she shook herself slightly and continued, "It has not been an easy pregnancy, especially in the beginning. My powers were all over the place, I had the strangest of cravings, and…. well, let's just say it was an interesting experience. It was only about four weeks ago that my powers finally stabilized. I'm not as strong as I was, but at least I have some more control," she shrugged.

"Once my powers stopped running amuck and I started to get a little bigger, the whole parent... thing started to sink in. I had been so focused on the day-to-day that I hadn't considered the future. I am going to be a mother." She stopped at this. "I am going to be a mother," she repeated, only much slower this time. "I am going to be a mother." Letting out a huff of air, she shook her head as if she was still not quite believing this fact. "I am going to be a mother. And a terrible one at that."

Beast Boy cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows, questioning her statement without a word spoken.

Raven shook her head. "Beast Boy, you know a bit about my past. I was raised by monks who taught me to suppress my emotions and other than Azar herself, I made hardly any attachments to others. My mother was barely allowed to see me, and my childhood was nothing short of a disaster." She sighed again. "I don't know the first thing about being a parent." She was quiet for a moment as her words sunk in. "So," she said, her shoulders squaring, "I did what I do best- I read." She ruefully smiled at Beast Boy, who chuckled. "I read everything I could get my hands on. The Librarian at the Jump City Public Library told me that I single-handedly borrowed everything in the six-forty-nines."

Beast Boy looked at her as though she was speaking in another language.

"It's the Dewey Decimal classification number for parenting books," she said, picking up on his puzzled appearance. "And it's a rather large collection, even in the smallest of libraries."

Beast Boy nodded and gestured his hand for her to move the story along.

"The problem with reading so much is that there was so much conflicting information. Parenting isn't a simple equation where x and y are easily solvable. It depends on so many factors, like the child's personality and what type of parenting style you want to have. The information was, quite frankly, overwhelming." She sighed and ran her fingers down the side of her face. "And if you make a mistake, it can harm them emotionally, spiritually, even physically. It's a daunting task, and… and I am scared." the last four words were whispered under hooded eyes that started to fill again.

Continuing his silence, Beast Boy reached across the bed and laid his hand over hers. He squeezed it and tried to project his sympathy and adoration into the gesture.

Surprisingly, Raven squeezed back and wiped her eye with her other hand. "You know how my emotions have been rather… unreliable recently?" She waited for a beat as Beast Boy gave a nod. "Well…." she trailed off, and her agitation started to show again as she played with a lock of hair. "Oh Azar, this is difficult to tell," she snatched her hand away and started to wring her fingers together. "There is a spell in one of my grimoires. I was never taught it, only lectured on the dangers of using it or any other spell involving…" She stopped her nervous actions and guiltily looked around the room before taking in three deep breaths with closed eyes. Opening them, she seemed calmer but sadder as she stared into Beast Boy's eyes.

"Time travel," she whispered.

Until this moment, Beast Boy had been listening intently to what the woman was saying, and he was trying to do so impartially. He had promised, after all, and nothing she had said so far would have warranted a reaction from him. However, when those two words were spoken, he couldn't stop the tremor of disbelief and alarm that felt like it had ricocheted around his body. Despite this feeling, he visibly went rigid. The only indication that he had understood her words was his green eyes going wide in shock.

Raven looked as though this was an expected reaction and kept her features calm, though her sad eyes continued to watch him. She said nothing as the seconds ticked by until Beast Boy was finally able to calm himself down and give her a small nod in recognition of her confession.

"I was in one of my lower moods," Raven said quietly, taking his action as a cue to continue. "The Tower had been quiet for a couple of days as everyone was on a mission overseas. I had the spell, I had the ingredients, and I thought that maybe I could discreetly go to the future and take a look around. Maybe I could get some hints or clues about my child, of the mother I need to become to support them. By the time I realized what I was doing, the ridiculousness of it all, I had already done the spell and was halfway through the chant. In my moment of clarity, I fumbled on the last words. So instead of going ten years into the future, I found myself ten years-"

"Into the past." It was the first time Beast Boy had spoken in some time, and his voice came out low and husky. He couldn't help the disappointed pitch to his words, nor the way his ears drooped towards the floor.

Raven merely nodded in affirmation.

"So, you see, Beast Boy," she said, her voice low with resentment and practically dripping in ire. "I don't deserve your kindness or your friendship. I don't even deserve a good cup of tea. I've potentially ruined an entire time stream because of my doubts and insecurities. I have no idea what kind of consequences face me for my selfish behavior, but I deserve each and every one."

The anger she felt for herself was palpable, and she looked as though she wanted to throw something. A flash of red cut across her eyes, and within a moment, the furniture in the room started to tremble with Raven's unchecked power.

Beast Boy knew that if he didn't attempt to diffuse the situation, this livid empath could potentially bring down the whole tower with her rage. But he had his own resentments, so he cleared his throat and asked the first thing that came to his mind, "Did you talk to him about this?"

The shaking stopped immediately, and Raven turned to him with a shocked, confused expression that Beast Boy had trouble deciphering.

"Your husband, I mean." It agitated him to even think of the mystery guy, but he was willing to play therapist for Raven's sake. And for the tower to continue to stand for another day.

Raven furrowed her eyebrows at him in response.

"Well, if you had been doing all of this reading from the Dewby's decibels six-thousands-"

"Dewey Decimal six-forty-nines" Raven quickly interrupted. Of course, she would want to correct him about some dumb library term.

"That's what I said! Anyway, if you read everything then he was bound to notice that you might have been feeling, I dunno, apprehensive about the whole parenting thing?" A frown scribbled across his face, and he felt hot under the collar. "Could he not see what you were doing? Did he not know you were scared?"

Beast Boy didn't know why this was getting to him, but he felt a sharp, blinding rage for this stupid, unknown person from the future. "What kind of prick did you marry, Raven? How could he not see you? How could he not know you or how you were feeling?"

He was yelling now and pacing the room with short, furious strides. "He should have talked to you, should have held your hand, and told you that it was going to be alright." His hands were scraping through his hair, he was gnashing his teeth, his agitation was at its peak, and he did not know why this was such an issue for him.

Raven gawked at the changeling as he violently stomped across the carpet. She licked her lips and went to reach for him, "Beast Boy, I-"

"If I were your husband I would have noticed!"

His shout was left hanging in the air, both parties looking at the other with astonishment.

But he said it. The weight that had been on his shoulders for the past few days had been violently ripped off. His ribcage had been peeled apart, and his broken, beating heart was laid bare for the world to see.

"Crap," Beast Boy said, slumping his shoulders into himself and rubbing at his eyes. He folded himself onto the edge of the bed and pulled off his gloves to massage his temples. He could feel a headache coming on.

"Listen, Raven," he said through a sigh, "I know you had a rough childhood. I know that you are questioning your parenting as you never witnessed any good parenting growing up, but I'm not sure if it is one of those things you just automatically become good at, even with reading every book on the topic."

The skeptical eyebrow Raven was giving him made him want to roll his eyes, but he carried on, "Take when you joined the Titans. You had never had friends before, and you didn't know how to be one. It took time and patience and yes, mistakes were made, but look at you now. You're one of my best friends, and everyone in this tower loves you so much. I don't know anything about kids. I haven't thought about them, and to be honest, with my unstable DNA, I don't know if I can even have them." Voicing this out loud surprised him as until he said it, he had not realized that there was a distinct possibility that fatherhood would never be in the cards for him. He felt a pang at the thought but pushed it to the side. It was a problem to consider for another day.

"But I have a feeling that being a parent is like jumping into a river. Some days it's fast, and the current takes you away, and you feel like you are going to drown. But if you keep your head above water, you can make it through. You just gotta leap in."

He smiled at her, pleased with his analogy, but his grin faltered at the quizzical look the empath was giving him. His confusion quickly turned into embarrassment as he realized that she was probably scrutinizing his emotions, and despite his best efforts, she was not going to ignore his earlier comment.

For the umpteenth time that day, he tried to centre his emotions. His embarrassment at his earlier outburst was probably written all over his face, and it seemed unfair that the empath could sense his inner turmoil as well.

A moment passed in silence as Beast Boy tried to categorize and shake off all the complicated feelings he was submerged in. Knowing he had an audience who was privy to every sensation made it a little more difficult, but the time for discretion had well and truly passed.

"You know, I can teach you to block yourself," Raven said slowly after Beast Boy had taken a few minutes to compose himself.

Beast Boy's attention snapped to hers. "What? So, you won't feel what I'm feeling?"

"It takes some time and a lot of practice, but you will be able to shield yourself," she said with a nod.

Energy coursed through his veins like Beast Boy had drunk a gallon of black coffee.

"Hell yeah! Let's do it! Teach me!"

"Of course." A sincere smile graced her lips, pleased with his reaction. "But before we start, I just wanted to say thank you. I feel like I say that a lot to you." She reached for his hand and squeezed it, mirroring the one he gave her earlier. "Your support means so much to me."

Beast Boy could feel his cheeks grow that strange maroon colour they did when he blushed, but for the first time all week, he did not care that she saw it. "I will always be your cheerleader, Rae. And for the record, I don't think trying to go into the future is going to do anything to the timeline, and it doesn't make you a bad person or mother. Yeah, you made a mistake, but it wasn't entirely selfish- you're just a worried Mama bear trying to look after her cub. I think you're going to make a great parent."

He watched her as his words sunk in, and to his surprise, her cheeks went ruddy, and the twinkle in her eye, the one that had been missing since she was baking those disastrous cookies, was back.

He beamed at her. The joy that was bursting out of him was not to be suppressed and he practically propelled it to her direction so she could experience everything he was feeling.

"Yep! That's it! Mama. It's who you are, and so you shall be named," he said through laughter.

Although her lips were set in a crooked smile, Raven made a point to dramatically roll her eyes, "That will not catch on."

"Sorry, Mama. Can't fight your nature… Mama," he gave a mischievous wink and raised his eyebrows knowingly. He knew the nickname would drive her crazy and he was ready for one of their infamous sparring sessions. Being all nicey-nicey was great, but he knew they needed to be taken to a level where they were both a little more comfortable.

"You're infuriating," she went back to her deadpan expression, although the spark was still shining in her eye.

"Yes, I am, Mama," he smiled. Not one to be outperformed, he angled his face so the light would catch on his toothy grin and sparkle on his fang.

Raven blinked seven times before dropping her chin and encasing her hands in her black magic. "Do you want me to teach you or not?"

While nodding energetically, a wicked thought ran through Beast Boy's mind, and a smirk could not be hidden from his face.

Note to self: call her Mama from now on.

He was going to get a lot of mileage out of that one.

Authors Note:

A more serious chapter to go with a more serious topic.

So sorry, no crazy villain, no huge battle was fought, just a scared, mother-to-be looking for some guidance. Did you guess it? Virtual cookies to those who did! Chocolate chip, obv- though not Raven's. Unfortunately, her attempts to bake are not over yet!

Next week things lighten up again as Beast Boy continues to be… well… Beast Boy. Hope you come back and also, let me know what you think!