Katsuki Bakugou

I didn't mean to say all that, Bakugou berated himself while awaiting Todoroki's response. Fuck. My shitty habits are biting me in the ass. I'm still surprised he accepted going back into a relationship with me. I know I sound like a desperate asshole, but I do still love him. Tch. How fucking irrational and impulsive. I know that. I know he's cheating on me. I know that…but I wanna pretend like he's not. I want the good times back. I want him. I want us again… Just forget all this shit happened and go back to how we were when we were both so happy to be with each other. Dunno if he can't even tell he's at a bad point in life, but I also don't wanna be the reason why he hurts himself more.

Todoroki finally nodded, unfazed by the coruscating invectives that Bakugou had thrown at him. "Even if I were being abused, it wouldn't compare to the abuses you self-inflict," he muttered candidly. "If you're really tired of being sad, angry, weak, and pathetic, then therapy is your best option. How much do you hate yourself to not try it, Katsuki? Is it that difficult to—"

"Hah?!" snarled Bakugou, whose fuse had instantaneously been severed. "You shut the fuck up! How is it that I always feel so fucking guilty whenever I talk to you or see your goddamn face?! You always achieve all the things I fail at, despite the fact that you're doing so much fucking worse than I am! How?! I try so fucking hard to do the things you hardly have to lift a finger to get, and it's still never enough compared to you! And you and your perfect fucking face tell me to get help for such insignificant fucking things compared to the things you go through! This is the shit that makes me want to beat some fucking sense into you!"

With frigid, unfeeling eyes, Todoroki sighed, "Then what are you waiting for? Beat some fucking sense into me. Or…are you too weak to follow through o—"

TUMP!

Before Bakugou was spared a moment to think, his body had moved on its own. Like a lion roaring with rage, Bakugou had nailed his fist into Todoroki's abdomen. Todoroki was sent reeling back, and as he careened into the opposite wall, he collapsed to his knees and began to gasp and cough.

Debilitating guilt and pride torpefied Bakugou as he watched Todoroki fight for his breath. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know how to move his body. All of his senses had been swallowed up by a blinding thread of white.

Why do I just keep…

Todoroki gradually staggered up to his feet as he clutched his stomach and gasped for air. "I bet…you've been dying to finally punch me…like that." He grimaced and leaned up against the wall. "How long has your anger…been festering for? Ngh."

What…the fuck is going on? Why is he so calm? Why am I…

Bakugou blinked with leaden eyelids. "I don't…fucking know…" He espied his quaking hands.

"It felt good to finally unleash that all, though…right?"

"Yeah… I guess so…"

A broken smile stained Todoroki's face. "I'm glad…you finally let out your unadulterated anger before it…completely possessed you. And…I'm glad it was me rather than anyone else…or yourself." His smile contorted into a grimace. "The more you bottle up your emotions without finding an outlet for them…the sooner the bottle shatters. It hurts you, and the shards hit the people close to you. Bakugou, however you feel like it, you're free to use me as that outlet." He gently rubbed the back of his head.

Flames of effervescent emotions scorched Bakugou's chest. "You dumbass…" he sibilated, sinking his nails into his palms. "What… What the hell have you been through that you're not telling me? You're not a fucking pawn for anyone to use. Are you implying that you don't care if I beat the shit out of you just because I feel shitty?" His heart throbbed out and shriveled up.

Todoroki shrugged. "What are another few wounds if it'll help someone else?" His voice sank into a husky whisper. "As long as I'm benefitting someone that isn't myself… Maybe that's just… Never mind."

I'm pissed. Thinking he can just tell me I can do whatever I want to him for any reason. Like…he's accepted that that's his role. A role to be a pawn. I fucking hope I'm not the one that burned that into his head. But I'm pissed that he's not sad or mad. He wants this. Who the hell…beat this twisted belief into him? Endeavor? He always cuts himself off or apologizes for talking about himself. Where did the Shouto Todoroki I knew a few months ago disappear to?

"You don't have to hurt for someone else to be happy," Bakugou spat with seething, trembling words. "You're not an object… You're a human just like me, dammit. You don't think anything about yourself is important, do you? Not your desires, not your health or body, not your happiness or state of mind, not your own goddamn life… I don't even think you wanna be alive, Shouto. Why are you alive? What's your reason for living?" His eyes squinted with solace rather than ire.

Todoroki's unwavering gaze finally snapped. "Of course I think those things are important. I'm just willing to put them aside for others." Silence engulfed the room, but he winced as his legs threatened to collapse. "I… I don't want to die. I want to live for the people that have given up on themselves. For the people that don't want to be alive, I—"

God, just drop the act, you people-pleasing liar.

"Look, I don't wanna bring this up again, but is cutting yourself just for everyone else too? And you say you don't want to die, but that's the same kind of shit you told me before and after your attempt. Tch. Do you wanna live for those people? Somethin' tells me that's just what you tell yourself. You did say you don't care about the people you love."

"Hey, Shouto?"

"Hm?"

Bakugou rolled over in bed to face Todoroki. "Do you ever think you're better off dead?" His voice drowned into the lightless room.

"No. Is something bothering you?"

"Just…can't shake the mental image of you cutting yourself to death because you think you're just a burden to everyone."

"Kat, it's sweet you're worried, but I'm all right. I'm getting better."

Todoroki shrugged. "Can we move on? I'm really tired."

"Shouto…if you don't want to die, and if you still think your health and happiness are important, why haven't you gotten help?"

"I don't want it."

"Why?"

Here we are, trying to get the other to do the things we tell each other but won't do. Neither of us will get help, but we tell each other to do it anyway. Fucked up, huh? But I'll deal with it if it means I can chase after the hope that we can fix this and be happy together again. Even if it's just another hope that'll always slip through my fingertips the moment I get close, I'll just keep desperately trying to reach it. That's how much you meant to me… I'll run endlessly and break down over and over again just to try and get the chance to make this work. But I might as well be trying to keep water from escaping my hands. Fuck you, Shouto.

Todoroki was eerily silent, but once he parted his lips to speak, he seemed to swallow back the words he wanted to say. "It doesn't matter," he sighed in his typical voice of baritone monotony.

"It does matter," hissed the ash-blonde. "You're cutting and getting the shit beaten out of you, and you fucking faint from not eating. You're telling me you don't have an eating disorder? Yeah, we probably have vastly different reasons for doing the same shitty thing, but it doesn't change what we're doing. You're always fabricating something, Shouto. You lie to me, to everyone, and to yourself. You say you're fine, but that's a blatant fucking lie." The blazing intensity of Bakugou's voice had steadily fizzled out.

"It's not," Todoroki muttered. "I am fine. Maybe it doesn't seem like that to you, but this is what 'fine' is to me. But I don't have an eating disorder, Katsuki."

Oh, shut the fuck up. I'm sick and tired of you denying everything while pretending you care. I'm tired…of always being weaker than you.

"Well, you're obviously trying to do something to yourself by going through this hell. I'm being hella pushy, but I'm pissed that you have the audacity to treat yourself like shit."

I would do anything to be you, Bakugou wanted to spit, and you keep telling me how you're useless, you're never good enough, you're deserving of all the cuts on your arms? Don't fuck with me… If my perfect is your useless, how fucking useless am I? How fucking useless am I, Shouto!?

"We're both very hypocritical." Todoroki's head swayed as he stared at the tiles of the kitchen floor. "But I'm not answering what I don't want to answer. Kat, I really want to rest. I can barely keep myself standing." Bakugou perished the possibility of prevarication once he glimpsed into Todoroki's wilted eyes again.

Despite the way Bakugou's flesh seethed, he exhaled slowly as Todoroki began to hobble back to his room. "Oi…" He did not glance up when Todoroki looked over his shoulder. "Is this the kinda shit I did to you that made you find someone else?"

A/N:
here's a sneak peak into a future chapter (i won't specify which chapter, and the wording may be subject to change) because why not:

"I'm going to ask something personal to the both of you," Aizawa sighed as a white mug was placed before him, "but before that, would you mind showing me when exactly Todoroki requested to train with you? He's made claims I'd like to verify." He raised the steaming mug to his lips, watching as Endeavor sat opposite him.