Shouto Todoroki
What time is it? pondered Todoroki as he forced his leaden eyelids open from having taken a nap. I don't really care. I'm tired. I'm more tired than I was before I fell asleep. He blinked slowly, and after perhaps a minute of silently blinking, he closed his eyes again. I'm hungry. I need to eat something soon. I've lost too much weight, and my hair is falling out. I don't want to. I know a feeding tube would help a lot, but I don't want to talk about why I'm like this.
Kat, I'm sorry I'm so pathetic. I'm sorry I trampled over my progress. I'm sorry I can't be helpful to you. Look at where I've led you. I didn't know this would happen. My existence is doing nothing but hurting you. I know you hate me, and you have every reason to. I know you're hurting yourself because of me. All I can do is hope you understand when this is all over. It will never excuse what I had to do behind your back, but I'll gladly and willingly be someone else's chew toy if it means you're not the one in my position.
"God, why are you so fucking perfect, Shouto?"
"That's definitely not true. Look in a mirror."
"Oh, shut it. Oh, so now you smile, huh? You're such an asshole."
Todoroki curled in on himself in the dim warmth of his futon. Reminiscing over his memories with Bakugou, he exhaled slowly.
All of our memories…burned to ashes because of me, he hissed at himself. One person did one thing one night, and this ensued. I can't even be mad about it, even though I see how unfair it is. I can't change what happened. Kat, I'm sorry. We really shouldn't be in a relationship again just yet. It would end poorly. I don't want that. I'm not someone you want to spend your love on when I can't reciprocate. I'm not someone who deserves your love. I think we should wait. I should have said that before.
Inhaling the perceived scent of nothing, Todoroki cracked his eyes open to two thin slits. "Sorry," he sighed, spitting out his voice with his hefty exhalation.
"Oi, it's fine," muttered a gravelly voice Todoroki knew all too well. "Stop beating yourself up all the time."
Todoroki blinked and brought his eyelids together again. "Sorry," he replied under his achromatic breath.
"Liar. I know you're not sorry."
"Sorry. Oh. Sorry."
"Good God, stop fucking apologizing."
"S… I'll try." Todoroki split his eyes open again. "Hey, Kat? Do you ever feel lonely?" His pupils rolled to the side.
"I dunno. Why?"
Todoroki could envision Bakugou's slanted brows as he replied, "Because…" He finally lifted his head to face his suspicions. "Sometimes, when I'm exhausted, my mind convinces me of something: that you're here with me." His dampened voice seeped into the crevices of his empty room.
I miss sleeping at your dorm. I miss sleeping next to you. I miss sleeping with your warmth. If I could go back… If I could do it all over… If I could reverse just one action…
Then, Todoroki's eyes widened once he realized someone was knocking at his door. "Oi," called the signature voice of Katsuki Bakugou from the other side of the door, "Icyhot, Recovery Girl wants to check in with you."
A thick sheet of smog enveloped Todoroki's mind, obscuring his comprehension. Although he believed he had spoken, he wanted to cover his ears once he heard Bakugou vociferate his name.
Leave me alone, Todoroki thought, closing his eyes. I don't feel like doing this. I don't think I'll be able to answer much. It's all a blur. I can't think. Much to Todoroki's utter chagrin, he heard his door opening and his name being called. It was a mistake not to lock the door. What are they saying? My head is so foggy…
"Let him sleep," whispered Recovery Girl. "I'll get everything prepared for when he wakes up. Does he typically sleep a lot?"
"Yeah," Bakugou whispered in return. "But right now, he's just…so damn thin. He was never like this before."
Todoroki could hear a few taps and the sound of something ruffling as Recovery Girl replied, "Do you know when this started?"
"Tch. A few months ago, he started starving himself. Dunno why."
No more. Forcing his eyelids open, Todoroki inhaled deeply as though he had just woken up. I don't want to hear this behind my back.
"Oi, Icyhot…" Bakugou sighed as the sound of two consecutive cracks emerged from his direction. "Listen, Recovery Girl wants to check in with you. I'll leave." With that, Bakugou exited the room, and soon enough, the apartment.
Todoroki slowly sat upright, but he felt as though he'd pass out from the surge of dizziness that jolted through his head. I need to eat. My body is disgusting. I thought that that would deter Rui, but it didn't.
"Todoroki, when was the last time you ate?" Recovery Girl inquired while standing at the foot of Todoroki's futon.
I don't remember, and I have a feeling she'd check with Bakugou, so I can't say today. "Yesterday," Todoroki murmured.
"Do you feel like you're overweight right now?"
Todoroki shook his head.
"I've been told that you're starving yourself. Is that true?"
Todoroki stared at his knees for a moment. I don't want to admit that. So, I won't. Sometimes, I'm able to enjoy the taste of food, but then it feels like I'm enjoying that, so I feel like throwing up out of disgust for myself, to punish myself for enjoying it, and to get it out of me. I forgot to respond to her. I fucked up.
"I guess my body says a lot," Todoroki reluctantly admitted while locking eyes with Recovery Girl. "I'm just not hungry."
Recovery Girl's next question nearly snapped the invisible thread linking her eyes with Todoroki's. "Do you feel hopeless or worthless ever?"
I can't think of the last time I didn't feel that way. I know I'm both hopeless and worthless. There's too much evidence for it.
"No."
"Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?"
"No."
This conversation itself makes me want to.
Recovery Girl's expression sank into a harrowed frown. "Todoroki, it's come to my attention that you've been harming yourself. Is something going on?" She tilted her head ever so slightly.
I want to die. I don't want to talk about this.
Todoroki shook his head. "Any wounds or scars I have are from training with Endeavor." He nodded.
Pushing an IV drip towards Todoroki's futon, Recovery Girl eyed Todoroki's left arm. "Then would you mind if I lifted your sleeve for a moment?"
Shit. I've backed myself into a corner. No, and that makes my refusal for Aizawa to see seem strange. Yes, and… I don't know. Shit.
"All right," Todoroki agreed as a sour, burning venom sank its fangs into his nerves.
Once Todoroki's sleeve was rolled up to his shoulder, he turned his arm so his palm faced the ceiling, and after a moment, Recovery Girl sighed, "I'd like to take off the bandages to ensure your wounds aren't infected." She sieved the bandages wrapped around Todoroki's stick-like wrist.
Once again, my lies are coming back to bite me in the ass, Todoroki cerebrated while unhurriedly nodding. Even if I felt a crippling emptiness inside me when I was alone, I'd rather feel that than be in this situation. If I had just… His body froze up, twisting his lungs into spiral ribbons as his wrist breathed the cool air in the room. Why did I say yes? Why did I let this happen? Because I lied and dug myself into my own grave…
"Todoroki…are these self-inflicted?" Recovery Girl gazed up from the cuts and scars littering Todoroki's wrist.
"No."
"Some of these look very recent—from a few days ago."
Todoroki remained silent.
"Is everything all right at home?"
"Yeah."
"But Endeavor did this to you, correct?"
Don't drag my old man into this. He'd actually hit me if he found out I… I can't change my story now. Shit. If I said a villain for this one instance, she'd ask about the pre-existing scars. I can't do this. I want out. Enough. Leave me alone.
Once again, Todoroki let his silence serve as his response.
After a long pause of silence, Recovery Girl queried, "Todoroki, is Endeavor…an unsafe person to be around?" Her crestfallen eyes were crystalline daggers.
"No." Todoroki held his gelid gaze on Recovery Girl, but his eyes wavered as a memory paralyzed his body like a lightning bolt.
"Cut yourself, Shouto."
"What?"
"You heard me. Right now. Cut your pretty skin some more."
"You do realize you're asking me to do something fucked up, right? Does this make you feel better about yourself?"
"Hm… Kind of."
"Rui, I really think you would benefit from seeing a therapist."
"For what? I'm perfectly happy like this."
"I don't think you are. I think you're lying to yours—"
Thwack!
"Todoroki?" Recovery Girl's soft yet jagged voice sundered Todoroki's thoughts. "Is this an uncomfortable topic?" She exhaled slowly as Todoroki shrugged. "I won't press anything right now, but I'm very concerned about your health and current situation. I'll give you some resources, such as the number for the suicide hotline. Would you use them if you felt like you wanted to hurt yourself?" She scrutinized Todoroki's vacant expression before disinfecting his arm and inserting the IV into the crook of his elbow.
I would rather die than do that. "Yeah," Todoroki lied with a superficial hint of verve lacing his voice.
A wave of relief swept the predominant glob of disconcertment from Recovery Girl's countenance. "I'm glad to hear that. Please do, Todoroki, if you feel the need to." She readjusted her white medical coat and let out a sigh. "But what do you think about the idea of having a feeding tube?"
Just the thought is making me sick. "I'm not certain."
"What about it is concerning or questionable to you? Is it gaining weight? Having people see you with a feeding tube?"
"It…" Todoroki began.
"You'll get used to it, Shouto."
"It sounds unpleasant, I guess," he finished as a shiver shot through his body. "How long would I need it?"
"It depends on how long it takes to get your weight into a healthy range, and that's pretty dependent on how many calories you consume that aren't from the feeding tube."
Todoroki nodded. I know I need it. But I don't want Rui to think I'm trying to bulk up to overpower him and get away. It's gotten really bad, though. I know Katsuki would feel better about himself if I just…
"I'll try it," replied Todoroki before his thoughts could asphyxiate his words.
Recovery Girl lifted her head and whirled around. "Okay. It won't take long. I'll also need to do some bloodwork and see what types of food are most beneficial for you."
After being hooked up to a feeding tube and receiving a succinct explanation on how to use and clean it, Todoroki was allowed his privacy again. He had been informed that Recovery Girl would return in thirty minutes to remove the IV, but all that occupied Todoroki's mind was where his lies would lead him.
Listening to the insanity-inducing ring in his ears from the silence in his empty room—he felt as though his frail body had disintegrated into the air—Todoroki thought, My lies are unraveling. I knew it was bound to happen, but… What will Endeavor do to me if he finds out I essentially but unintentionally made it seem like he's abusive? What will Recovery Girl tell Aizawa? What's going to happen to me?