Shouto Todoroki

What is it you're getting at? pondered Todoroki after Bakugou told him to "say it as it is." Once again, you're soft and considerate one moment, and the next, you're out for blood. I don't particularly want to die, but if I were given the option, I'd take it. If you want me to say I want to die that much, though, I'll say it. He glanced at Bakugou's hands, but Bakugou kept his hands fisted at his sides.

With a sigh, Todoroki uttered, "I do want to die, Katsuki. Was that good enough?" He noticed how Bakugou lowered his brows.

First I get a message from my old man because Aizawa must have told him about what he knows about me, and now Katsuki wants me to say I want to die? Maybe it would be a good day to die.

"Shouto?!"

"Sometimes I wondered if you'd ever stop believing my bullshit. I won't say you're right, but I will say that I wasn't surprised by anything you said or did. I sort of experimented with you to see how much I could get away with. You know the results."

"You… Shouto, I could not have known if all you were doing was lying to me!"

"That's exactly right."

With that, Todoroki hung up the phone.

There were plenty of signs, though, were there not? Did you ignore them, or did you genuinely not see them? If you truly care about me as much as you try to assure me of…surely, you would've noticed. But you didn't, and that's a fact. I don't care, and I'll continue to pretend like you're closer to me than you really are, but I have to wonder how strong your resolve truly is.

Todoroki let out a sigh when his phone rang.

Bakugou flicked his gaze to the floor and scratched at the bandages wrapped around his wrists and hands. "Y'know, people like you are the people I hate the most. But if you wanna die, I'll gladly kill you…if you kill me." His voice had been reduced to a coarse whisper.

Todoroki was silent. I see. You're projecting, aren't you?

"Come here." Like the breath of winter, Todoroki's voice was varnished with frost. "I want to see something first."

"Tch." Inhaling deeply, Bakugou slowly severed the distance between himself and Todoroki with ponderous steps. "What, don't tell me you're gonna hug me and tell me it's okay." He paused mere centimeters away from Todoroki.

Todoroki tilted his head and gently cupped Bakugou's cheek. "No."

Thwack!

A burning sting droned through Todoroki's fingers. He withdrew his hand from Bakugou's cheek, scrutinizing how Bakugou's pupils engulfed his blood-red irises. Yet, neither of the two spoke a word.

I've never done something like that before, Todoroki realized while Bakugou touched the budding splotches of red eating away at his jawline. I'll drop the facade, but it's ingrained in me to fake my empathy.

"I'm not letting you kill yourself like that," Todoroki muttered. "Why do you want to die, Bakugou? Maybe I'll reconsider."

Donning a scowl, Bakugou hissed, "You already know why…" His scowl twisted into a smirk. "But I was just seein' if you'd agree, 'cuz if you did, I'd be hella mad at you. We both agreed to getting help. I just wanted to see if you were desperate to die. I would've been the one slapping you if you said you were." He let out a sigh and clicked his tongue. "But damn, I did not expect you to straight-up slap me."

Now I'm the one who can't tell whether or not you're lying about lying, Todoroki thought while walking towards the kitchen. If you kill yourself, I'd probably do the same. After all, I went through all that just to protect you, so if you were to essentially make all the pain I endured for nothing… He sliced off a thin piece of bread from the bread loaf Bakugou had recently purchased. I really wouldn't have any reasons left to live. I don't even consider you a reason right now, but I did in the past, so maybe I'm just trying to fulfill the desires and goals of my past self.

"Oi," Bakugou called, but Todoroki's eyes remained on the slice of bread in his hands. "Y'know, I never really asked, but do you have—or have you had in the time I've known you—friends you ever hang out with? Aside from Higoro."

Curled up at Todoroki's side, Higoro murmured, "Sometimes, I really want friends again, but I think I missed the boat. If I'd been in that business class at U.A. right now, maybe I would've made friends. Maybe I wouldn't be like this. I wish I had someone like you a long time ago. If I just had one person supporting me… Anyway, isn't it strange to think that we could've been going to U.A. together? Even if I wouldn't have been in the Hero class, we still would've been schoolmates."

Todoroki ripped off a corner of the bread crust. "No. You and Rui are the only people I'd consider 'friends.' Why?" He turned to face Bakugou.

"I used to hang out with Shitty Hair, but I pushed him away after you and I broke up. Kinda made me wonder if you had any friends that're more than acquainted classmates." Bakugou sieved the slice of bread in Todorok's hand. "You're not gonna put butter or somethin' on that?"

I did notice you started interacting with Kirishima less. "Why did you push him away? But butter would be too much."

"I just felt shitty. Didn't wanna drag him into the mess." Bakugou let out a sigh and walked over to the cabinet containing drinking glasses. "What about butter's too much?" The buzz and gurgle of the water dispenser trickled through the air.

Todoroki took another bite out of the bread slice. "It seems like you were punishing yourself. I feel like you do that a lot. You don't have to live to punish yourself for your regrets and mistakes. But I think it's for the best if I stick with small amounts of plain foods for a while." He felt a vibration jolt through his hip.

"Tch. But as long as yer eating and not throwing it up, whatever works works."

"Don't ignore what I said."

Bakugou's eyes were like the red flashes leaking from a smoke detector. "And you don't also do the same shit? See, you're still pretending to be all understanding and empathetic. It's really starting to piss me off." His jaw shifted.

Todoroki shrugged. "Not my problem," he uttered without emotion.

Immediately, Bakugou's brows twitched. Yeah, you're just as hypocritical. His muscles became rigid.

"Hah?!" spat Bakugou, who jolted up from the table. "Then why do you choose to make it your problem?!"

Todoroki rolled his eyes. "God, you're fucking annoying." Venom reverberated through his voice. "Even if I don't particularly want to die, your offer for me to kill you is becoming more tempting." His words were like grains of sand being raked over a chalkboard.

Jaw agape, Bakugou dug his nails into the table. "You know what?" He shook his head as a wry smile twisted onto his expression. "I fucking dare you to go through with that. You, kill me? What the hell are you gonna do to me with those pathetic arms? Humor me, Todoroki." He furrowed his brows.

Todoroki plastered on a smile caked in red. "Then die. I won't stop you. It'd make my life so much better." His smile flattened. "I think that was a good time to smile."

"Hah, now yer just bluffing. You really wouldn't do shit if I slit my wrists in front of you?"

"So now you think I'm the person you told me to stop pretending to be? Regardless, no, I wouldn't."

Bakugou curled his lips back. "That so?" He ripped off the bandages around his left wrist. "Give me a sharp piece of ice."

Todoroki constructed a blade of ice in his right hand. "It's sharp." He pressed the whetted edge against his left palm, causing a fragmented serpent of crimson to wriggle free from his flesh. "Here." He slid the thin blade across the table; it rattled against the hardwood surface.

Aiming the crystalline knife at his inflamed left wrist, Bakugou muttered, "It's not your fault." Then, in one swift motion, he sliced through the air and struck the open wounds on his wrist with the blade.

Crack! Clat.

All Todoroki could see was the arrant stupefaction pulsating across Bakugou's mien. With trembling arms, a heaving chest, and lips parted thinly, Bakugou stared down at the rod of ice in his hand. He scrutinized the sea of red along his wrist, palm, and forearm, and then, his pupils locked onto the remaining half of the blade that had snapped onto the floor.

"Why?" hissed Bakugou, who crushed the dull, melting remnants of a blade in his fist. "Why won't you just give it to me when you don't even care?!"

Todoroki expelled a long sigh. "I'm sorry. That was very cruel of me. I melted the sharp edge after it cut through my skin, and I made the blade thin so it would easily break. Bakugou, please don't end your life or hurt yourself. I genuinely mean that." He slowly pushed himself up from the table. "What's driving your impulse to die right now? Talk to me."

Slamming his red-tinged fist against the table, Bakugou snarled, "Fuck you…" He pulled away from Todoroki's outstretched hand, slapping it away. "I hate you. I don't need your fucking help." His gleaming eyes twitched, and when Todoroki brazenly clasped onto Bakugou's hand and reeled the two into an embrace, Bakugou grit his teeth as a gasp escaped his throat. "I can't fucking do this shit anymore… I don't know who I am, what I'm doing, what I'm looking for in life, where to go, how to escape this constant hell… I don't know. I don't fucking know… Suck it up? Hell. Confide in someone or get help? Weak. Resort to substances? Bad. Think about the good moments in life? Pain. Try to fix the problem? Backstabbed.

"I don't know why I'm living anymore. I don't know what point there is in 'getting better' when everything could just…stop. I don't know how to deal with any of this shit without hurting myself more! Every little bad thing that happens just feels like another reason to die. I'm so fucking tired that I can't even cry about it. I refuse to fall back into the habit of binge eating, but it just gets harder and harder to resist. It… I don't even care anymore. I'll just fucking tell you. Doing it distracted me from all the other shit in my life. It made me focus on another kind of pain that was easier to deal with. If I couldn't handle everything else, I could just distract myself with a different problem so I didn't have to fucking think about the actual shit hurting me.

"Cover up the pain with more pain: story of my fucking life. Make excuses for the real shit and find anything else to get pissed over, even if it kills you even more than the real problems. Do anything to bury the real problems. Don't let anyone know. There's somehow a huge difference when someone sees you as a drunk fuck versus a depressed fuck. A short-tempered fuck versus a wallowing fuck. An egotistical fuck versus a self-hating fuck. It hurts, and it just gets harder and harder to manage, but you're labeled as weak and pathetic if you can't just live on with the misery and also put up a facade to mask it. Doesn't matter if it's killing you. People will still tell you to get over yourself without knowing the half of it…"

Todoroki nodded, feeling the warmth of Bakugou's body swim through his veins. "I'm not one of those people," he assured Bakugou in a silvery whisper. "I can only imagine the pain, confusion, and stress that you're dealing with, and I know you don't want to hear this from me, but suicide isn't the option. Neither is trying to numb the feelings you don't want to feel. I'm not in any place to give advice, but let me ask you this: if you were to end your life right now, would you really be content knowing you lost a war against yourself, and all your problems overpowered you? Would you be content knowing this present you is the last anyone will know of you? Would you be content knowing you never had to die in so much pain?"

Bakugou's nails dug into Todoroki's sides like the thorns of a rose. "No, I wouldn't be," he huffed. "I want to get better. I want to break out of this pathetic state. I want to win this shitty war. But…" His jaw trembled on Todoroki's shoulder. "When I think about how all this shit could just be over with in an instant, and I'd never have to deal with it again, I feel so much more at ease. Oi. Can I ask somethin'?" His chest gradually deflated when Todoroki nodded. "When you decided to try and off yourself, when'd you make the decision to try and go through with it?"

Silence poured out over the two like a pearly veil of bubbles from a running bath. "I had a sudden, throbbing urge to do it. So, I got everything ready, and I texted you. It was almost instantaneous, but I let the thought linger for a few seconds as the urge got stronger." His voice was like a stream of dust being whisked out an open window.

"I hate that I know exactly what you mean, because that literally just happened to me," sighed Bakugou. "But whatever. I feel better. So, get your dumb ass off of me." He nudged Todoroki's shoulder.

"Only if you'll come talk to me if there's something you want to get off your chest."

"Fine."

Todoroki retreated from the pocket of sugar and heat that nourished his calmed heartbeat. Fishing his phone out of his pocket, Todoroki swallowed the sigh wriggling from his throat.

Rui
Come over