Katsuki Bakugou

I don't fucking want to do this anymore, Bakugou thought to himself while staring at the ceiling from his bed. I'm so tired. I'm not even sad. I don't know what the hell this is. I kinda just feel empty. Better than weeping over the memories I'll never have back, or feeling like I want to rip the apartment in half. But I'm just done with it all. That's right, I was supposed to email Aizawa and catch up on all the shit that's piled up. I don't fucking want to do it. God, I just… I don't know.

Bakugou let out a sigh and forced himself to sit upright. He begrudgingly picked up his phone and checked the time: four in the afternoon. Then, he opened the notes application on the device and stared at the blank canvas of black.

Why do I even bother? It's not gonna matter. I've worked so fucking hard to achieve my goals, and not only do I fall short every time, but I'll probably be dead before I reach any of them? What a fucking joke. I feel like I backstab myself so it won't hurt as much if I get backstabbed again by someone else. The pain's the same, but you get used to it. How are you supposed to just be okay with the fact that the person you gave everything to backstabbed you? You gave everything in that relationship, and that wasn't enough to win over their trust and loyalty that they gave to someone else? Because you loved that person…now you're suffering, and they, the person you thought loved you as much as you loved them, did it to you by choice.

After roughly twenty minutes, Bakugou finished a draft of a poem and read it in its entirety to himself:

Strands of Darkness
Skitter away from the fangs
Spinning inside my fan.

Black legs squirm
Like a wad of maggots
Across my carpet.

Transparent cup in hand,
I kneel
To a breathing plague.

But as the cretin is swallowed
Into the cold container,
I realize that the thing is dead

Hair. My hair, twisted;
Centipede snarls beyond separating,
Reflected four times over.

Normally, I'd be smiling.
But this time,
I crave its heartbeat.

You can't kill what's already dead.
So, instead,
I'll wait for my hair to accumulate

Until it rips out of itself
A heartbeat—
Hell, now wouldn't that be a treat?

With a sigh, Bakugou muttered, "Shit compared to Shouto. That's how it always goes, huh? If all I ever am is someone else's shadow, and nothing I do is ever enough…what's the point in trying anymore? Why can't I ever just give up? It'd be way easier to flunk it all and just rot away as the filth I am, and yet, I keep living. Why? All it's done is fuck me up, and I know that so damn well, but I keep living, and it keeps breaking me. What do I hate more? How weak I am, or how much I sabotage everything for myself?" He clenched his jaw as he stared down at his poem.

Then, a notification caught Bakugou's eye. Email from Aizawa? He opened up the email. 'Todoroki is currently in the hospital.' Fuck… Don't fucking tell me… His heart squirmed in his chest like an eel thrashing in its death throes. 'He requested that you visit. It wasn't a suicide attempt.' Thank fuck… God, that's a relief. What the hell happened?

After mentioning to Aizawa that he was on his way, Bakugou explained that Todoroki was only friends with him and Higoro. Thus, Bakugou promptly made his way to the hospital. He informed the receptionist that he was a friend of Todoroki's, and he was directed to Todoroki's room. Once he reached the room, he hesitated.

My heart's beating fast, Bakugou realized as he lifted a hand to the door; his digits trembled in the white light. Did I cause this? Has he just been lying about not feeling anything, and really, I'm still the one fucking up his life? Calm down. Just take a deep breath and go. Inhaling until his lungs trembled and ached, Bakugou slowly exhaled as he knocked on the door. Wasn't so hard, was it? Stop shaking. It's fine.

A familiar voice seeped through the door. "Come in."

Bakugou swallowed thickly and slid open the door. An additional veil of a sweetish-sour scent pervaded his nose. As he glanced up, he was met with Todoroki lying supine on a white hospital bed. Beneath the sheets, Todoroki's arm was linked to an IV drip containing a clear fluid. His arms were obscured by the sea of snowy fabric, but around his neck was the upper part of a thin, pale blue hospital gown.

Closing the door behind him, Bakugou approached Todoroki and pulled up a chair. "So, you all right?" He gazed into Todoroki's lightless eyes.

Todoroki nodded. "Yeah. I was just stabbed." His voice did not waver.

You what?! "You were just stabbed?" groaned Bakugou. "What the hell happened?" He furrowed his brows.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Todoroki's arms slithered free from the bedsheets, revealing the clusters of pink and brownish-red scars littering his skin. "Rui…killed himself. He stabbed my leg and then stabbed himself."

Serves him right. Katsuki, don't fucking think that. You didn't even know him.

Bakugou found himself staring at Todoroki with wide eyes. "Damn. You…sad about that?" He ran his hand through his hair.

Todoroki shook his head. "Not at all." His cold, turquoise and gray eyes met Bakugou's fiery eyes. "I promised I'd tell you why I cheated on you, so, now that he's gone, here's the unvarnished truth: he forced me into a relationship. If I refused, he would have done unthinkable things to you. So, I had no choice. He's the real reason why I've come back with so many injuries. He's the reason why I stopped eating. He's the reason why everything we had crumbled in an instant. Before you beat yourself up for what happened when you found out I cheated on you, I need you to know that I've never resented you for anything you've done."

Todoroki's words were a thorn slowly piercing deeper and deeper into Bakugou's chest cavity. Each breath he took pushed the thorn further into his flesh, and he thought that his heart would surely burst as time continued to tick in his head to the thunder of his pulse. His thoughts boiled together with his heartbeat and breaths, coalescing into the shuddering surges of heat causing his palms to leak with sweat.

All this time, I hurt you when you were just protecting me? Bakugou hissed at himself while blinking blankly. He threatened you and I both, forced you to cheat on me, broke you down to nothing, and then I… How could I not beat myself up over this? All this time… Why did I believe you? Why didn't I realize? I know why. I know why… But why? Why?! Why does it always have to end like this?! Why do I always become the one at fault? Everything I said, did, and thought… All of it—

Then, something grasped Bakugou's hand, snapping him out of his thoughts. "Bakugou." Todoroki glanced up at Bakugou. "You didn't know. It's not your fault. It's my fault for not telling anyone. I just didn't want to risk it." He withdrew his hand. "But if we can heal from this and repair our friendship, maybe we can think about getting back together with a stronger bond than before. Right now, though, we have things that need to be addressed and resolved first. I think we can both see that a relationship would just be set up for failure."

"So, how long have you been seeing someone behind my back? I thought… I thought I'd finally found someone I could trust, but you're just a two-faced sack of shit! Were all the good times just to use me?! Did you feel nothing at all during those intimate moments?! You… You! You just wanted my sympathy, didn't you?! A person that'd give on the sidelines when your real boyfriend wasn't there?!"

"Kat, I—"

"DON'T EVER FUCKING CALL ME THAT AGAIN!" Tears seared Bakugou's eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"As if! Why don't you cut yourself until you really feel sorry? I hate you… I f-fucking hate you…"

Lowering his head, Bakugou felt like his spinal cord was rapidly expanding and contracting, twisting around his organs until he was fully paralyzed in the sting of scorching heat. I regretted what I said and did to you all those times, and now… It's too much to take in. I don't fucking know. It's all my fault. All of it, all of it, all of it… Ignore it. I don't… It doesn't matter right now. Don't start feeling sorry for yourself in front of him. Whatever he's going through is worse. He forced himself to inhale and exhale slowly.

"It's still my fault for treating you the way I did," grumbled Bakugou, whose eyes were focused on his knees. "Yer right, but… Why did that bastard do this shit to you?"

A sigh fell from Todoroki's lips. "It's not like you to be so apologetic. Tell me your thoughts first. Don't hold back." He nodded as Bakugou lifted his head.

And there you go again, trying to deal with my problems when yours are just blatantly worse. Just another thing that makes me feel like shit. You're so fucking selfless, and you don't even fucking care. I can't ever be selfless, and I'm the one who cares too much about everything.

"Just… It just fucking hurts that you suffered because you loved me, and I only rubbed salt in the wound. Nothing's gonna make me feel better about it. I know the past can't be changed, but it still fucking hurts." Bakugou's hands tightened into fists. "And I'm mad that you don't even care. Do you even realize how fucked up it is that you don't care? You weren't kidding when you said you couldn't hate, love, or care."

How much suffering does a person have to go through to not realize they're suffering, to think it's perfectly normal, and to not care at all if they know it's still having adverse effects?

Todoroki lowered his brows. "I knew you would be broken when you found out I was with someone else, but I did this to you anyway. Maybe this all could've been prevented if I told Aizawa." He shrugged. "No one will ever know."

Bakugou's jaw shifted. "Y'know, you're not fooling me."

"What?"

"I know exactly what you're doing."

"I wouldn't doubt it."

Bakugou grit his teeth. "You're not provoking me to take my anger out on you again. You don't exist for other people to use you. You're not an object." He met Todoroki's lifeless eyes, and for a while, the two held their gazes steady.

Yeah, we both know what the other is thinking. Despite that…

Plastering on a thin smile, Todoroki closed his eyes as a soft chuckle escaped his lips. "You've got me there. But since we're bound to argue again if I say what you know I want to say, I'll leave it be." He tilted his head when Bakugou rolled his eyes. "What?"

"The fake-ass smile and laugh," scoffed Bakugou. "I hate that you still look like the adorable Shouto I knew." He crossed his arms.

I can't see him as a friend, Bakugou thought while Todoroki bent his smile into a vague smirk. I only see him as Shouto. I want to tease him and kiss him like before. Even when I found out he'd cheated on me, I wanted that. It hurts even more. Why did this have to happen? This is so fucked up… Why me? Why? Everything we made… It never had to come undone. We should've been happy. We should've been deciding on what to eat right now. We should've been us instead of whoever the fuck came out of that motherfucker's bullshit.

"I've always loved getting the best of you." Todoroki tucked away his mirthful facade. "Don't become someone like me, Bakugou. I also longed to feel nothing, but after I got what I wanted so much, I didn't have the relief I thought I'd get. What's the point in living if there's nothing you care about and nothing you want to live for? But I also promised that I'd help you get better." He picked up the paper cup beside him and raised it to his lips.

With the click of his tongue, Bakugou scrunched a wad of fabric from his shirt into his hand. "But what's the point in living if there's nothing but misery?" he muttered under his breath.

"You want to be happy and free from that pain, right?"

"Yeah, no shit."

"That's the difference." Although Todoroki's visage remained placid, Bakugou's brows twitched. "You want to escape the pain by feeling nothing, dying, or getting better. Don't make the same mistakes that I did."

Numbing all my emotions is faster and easier than trying to get better just to fail in the end, Bakugou thought as a scowl materialized on his lips. Not like it's gonna matter if I start now. Just a bit more. Then…

Bakugou's pupils sank to the scars on Todoroki's left arm. "Didn't you tell me you used to cut to feel anything but whatever you were feeling? Didn't tell me the new reason until…y'know."

"You're already too depressed to feel anything."

"I did. But I also was getting better. I did want to live. I did feel happy when I was with you. I did want to put an end to my bad habits. Now, I don't care about any of it. When I cut to try and purge whatever feeling was eating me alive, I wanted to stop. I wanted to find something else, but I couldn't find anything as effective. Now, the cuts are deeper than before, and it's a habit I indulge in more often. I don't care anymore."

Bakugou's chest sank like the brittle skeleton of a leaf snapping from a tree. "You aren't even trying to hide it anymore… You used to be so overly concerned about making sure I didn't know too much, but enough to get an idea. And that was only after you opened up to me. Before that…" His brows furrowed.

Todoroki shrugged. "I guess so."

"It pisses me off that you're so blunt about it. It's fucking sad, Todoroki. You talk about this depressing shit so casually because you don't care anymore?"

"What do I really have to hide from you when you already know the truth? You know me better than anyone. You probably know me better than I know myself."

Bakugou grit his teeth as a tempestuous spiral of heat swished through his guts. "Would you still pretend to care for other people?"

"Yeah."

"Why? If you really don't care, then why?"

"It would be annoying to deal with even more people pestering me about what's wrong, how I'm not myself, etcetera. You'll pester me anyway."

Bakugou flinched. "So you're calling me a nuisance?" His voice was like a splitting thread slowly being pulled apart.

Todoroki's cold, gray and turquoise eyes drifted to Bakugou's glistening countenance. "Yes, I guess I am calling you a nuisance, Bakugou." His neutral expression did not waver. "I can tell I'm breaking you. You do care too much about what other people think about you. You really want one remark from someone else to define who you are? Even if the person you love thinks a certain way about you, that doesn't mean you are their perceptions. Your worth isn't determined by anyone but yourself. Only you know your own limits and capabilities."

All his words feel like knives in my back, Bakugou wanted to hiss as he glanced away. He knows my weak points. Fuck you… It does hurt, Shouto. I love you as both a friend and your ex, and I'd always, always, always been trying to help you. I'm just a nuisance for trying to keep you alive? For trying to drag you out of hell? For trying to keep you from self-destructing and imploding on yourself? You say such rational shit after calling me a nuisance for all my efforts, but all I can hear is you telling me I'm worthless and a waste of your time. Doesn't help that I was just thinking about how I care too much about shit, and now you're just saying it to my face like you always do.

Todoroki expelled a soft sigh. "I was lying when I said you were a nuisance anyway. But you believed me, didn't you? Did you think that if you were a nuisance to the person you've been trying to help, then you must be even more of a nuisance to everyone else?"

Fuck you! Bakugou peeled his lips back. But I don't even have the right to be mad when I did the same thing to him: hit where it hurts, then try to help. Create a problem that never had to exist, then make a solution for it as if I'm some kind of savior. I hate you. I hate myself. I hate everything… He's proving his points, giving me advice, and trying to help, and all I feel is a burning hatred for it. I hate that. Why can't I just…stop denying everything, take the criticism, and grow? Why? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I ever change for the better? It's literally all my fault. Like he said…I'm the only one who can make the changes I wanna see. I hate myself and wanna stay where I am. I hate myself for that and wanna stop being pathetic. How the hell do I escape?

After another few moments, Bakugou muttered, "Not like it matters. 'It matters to me.' No, it doesn't matter to you. Now, answer my question."

"Right, what you asked before… Rui was pretty depressed. He hated you, and he figured a good way to hurt you was to do this. He didn't see how much you struggled to keep up your appearance." Todoroki tilted his head towards the ceiling. "He felt a lot of hatred and jealousy towards you, and I think he saw his past self in me. So, that's that. A lot of it is fuzzy now. As for me, they said I'll be here for about a week. The knife was removed in an operation after I got here, but I can still use my leg, so I guess I was lucky. It looks like I'll also be brought into questioning once I'm out of the hospital."

Yet another person who hated my guts, but someone sick enough to fuck up my boyfriend to torment me and rip us apart… Bakugou growled to himself while brushing the tips of his fingers against Todoroki's; their fingers promptly twined. All this because he hated me that much. Someone who didn't even know the real me. Someone who assumed and fucked so much up just from that. Someone who played the dirty fucking trick of hurting someone close to me instead of me to hurt us both. Everything was going so fucking beautifully, and you… His chest shivered with a frothing mix of cold, bitter emotions.

"I'm just glad you're still alive," Bakugou muttered, eyeing the feeding tube weaving between Todoroki's nostrils. "Fuck him. You said he's the reason you stopped eating, right? Did he beat you for eating?"

Todoroki's brows sank. "I'm not going to talk about that. But now that he's gone, I think I can start to heal. This time, surely, I'll make the goals I had so long ago a reality, right?" He was like a white paper crane floating in the abyss of Bakugou's eyes.

"Then was your story about what happened the truth?"

You lie about so much, and yet, you're so fucking blunt about just as much. I can't tell. I can't fucking tell what the hell you lie about anymore. I took pride in being able to see through your bullshit before. How much of me are you gonna take away, Shouto?

Though minute, Todoroki tilted his head. "I guess that's a valid question. I'm pretty sure it is." For an ephemeral moment, Bakugou caught the flash of something thin and neon-blue. "I wonder."

Bakugou raised his sweat-dappled brows as his heart began to gasp. If you lied about what happened just to paint yourself as the victim… If I've just been falling for another one of your games… If all I've ever been from beginning to end was a blind little pawn for you… He closed his eyes, forcing himself to take in a few deep breaths. Am I the fool for believing you, or am I the fool for doubting you?