Shouto Todoroki

Useless, was Todoroki's first thought after watching his therapist exit the hospital room. I'm perfectly fine just like this. It won't mean anything when I'm dead. It really does seem easier to kill myself than live a worthless, meaningless life. I do nothing but burden everyone around me anyway. I don't care if I am, and they aren't my problem, but it seems like it's just a fact that I'm better off dead. He glanced down at the small container of yogurt in his lap. Katsuki's also seeing a therapist now, so I've done my job at helping him. So, if I died, he would still have his therapist. I wonder… His gaze drifted to the IV in his forearm. If I ripped it out and punctured my veins after the nurse comes back and leaves for fifteen minutes, would it be enough?

Todoroki blinked slowly. Isn't it ironic how the moment help is forced onto me, I'm back to constantly thinking and fantasizing about killing myself? He peeled open the thin seal on the yogurt container and wedged his white, plastic spoon into the gelatinous mound of white.

No more, no more, no more… I don't want this. I hate this. I can't take it…

A familiar bile licked the back of Todoroki's throat as he stared down at the white spoon and white yogurt in his hand. It doesn't matter, he reminded himself, closing his eyes as he raised the spoon to his mouth and used his upper lip to slide the cold, wet substance onto his tongue. I don't care anymore. Yet, as he attempted to swallow the thick, gelatinous puddle oozing across his tongue, he felt his gag reflex forcibly terminate his action. It wasn't anything. Stop being pathetic. It doesn't mean a thing.

I want to die. I just want to die. Make it end. Please…

Todoroki gagged up the splatter of yogurt he'd attempted to force himself to swallow. Spitting the sour, sticky substance back into the container, he pressed the seal back over the rim and tossed both the container and spoon into the bin beside him. He covered his mouth with his hand and shook his head.

Once I'm out of here, I think I'm just going to end it, Todoroki thought as a knock arrived at his door. I don't care what happens to me, if I were to get used and abused once again, if Katsuki were to only want to get back together with me to manipulate me and take revenge for what I put him through… I just don't care. But if that's where my life is going to end up again, it sounds more pleasant to die. He glanced up at the ash-blonde spikes of hair approaching him.

"Oi," Bakugou greeted Todoroki with a lowered head.

Todoroki slovenly waved his hand while Bakugou pulled up a chair and sat beside him. "You seem down," remarked Todoroki, who scratched at the scars on his left arm.

Bakugou scrunched the dark bags under his eyes. "Just didn't sleep again," he grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

Todoroki gently grabbed Bakugou's cold, sticky hand. "What's keeping you awake?" he asked, rubbing his thumb over Bakugou's thumb.

"Tch. You, going out, past mistakes, shitty thoughts, seeing the time tick away when I'm supposed to be asleep, therapy, hunger, the teach, just everything."

"That's a rough web to get caught in. I hope therapy has been helping with it. Have you been prescribed anything?"

"It fucking sucks." Bakugou cracked his knuckles. "Therapy's too fucking overwhelming. I did get prescribed some antidepressants, though. But I feel like it's fucked up to just throw pills at someone based on like an hour of bare-bones information. Feels fucked to be throwing drugs out so often anyway when they can literally change your brain chemistry. If you ask me, the whole push for prescriptions is just fucked. Like, how about you stop shoving pills down our throats and actually listen or do something first? Not sayin' all prescriptions are bad, and maybe other places have a better system in place, but… Ugh, whatever. Are you having any luck with therapy?" He glanced up from hunching over in his chair.

"I understand what you mean. I was prescribed antidepressants and sent on my way after ticking some things off on a paper at the clinic. Of course, I was inclined to believe everything I was told. This was a professional, after all. But my doctor wasn't a psychologist or psychiatrist. No one asked me why I felt the way I did. No one knew if I'd just been grieving or experiencing the loss of a significant other or friend. No one knew if there were other things contributing to the diagnosis that were unrelated to the diagnosis. For all my doctor knew, none of what I was experiencing could've been from depression. I still don't know how much of it was or is.

"Despite that, I was diagnosed with something based on a checklist no one looked into, prescribed the pills, told when to take them, told to keep taking them for an indefinite period, and had to pay for them too. Needless to say, it certainly didn't fix anything for me, but I'm glad if it does for others." Todoroki shrugged. "But it almost feels like I'm the therapist to my therapist. I don't say anything. He's talked about some of his troubling experiences while I've just listened. That's the extent of it. It's useless." He felt the faint knicks on Bakugou's knuckles.

"Well that's fucked," sighed Bakugou. "You told me the pills helped you, so I thought you'd found the right shit to help with your recovery. And, y'know… You said they helped with the suicidal thoughts. Tch." He glanced out the window. "About yer therapist, though, you get what you put in. You're kinda the one wasting your own time. You want yer therapist to get paid for basically doing nothing when he visits you?" He rolled his eyes when Todoroki shrugged. "You talk about shit with me. Why not him when you don't care?"

"There's no point," Todoroki candidly uttered without emotion.

"And why's that?"

"I'm fine like this. I don't need fixing. It's easier not to give a shit about anything."

Bakugou raised a brow. "You almost sounded like me. But didn't you tell me we both have problems that need fixing?"

Todoroki let out a sigh and leaned back against his pillow. "I don't care anymore. I'll just live with these flaws. I've already had almost everything taken from me. You can't take anything away from me again if there's nothing to take. I'm fine with that." He peered up at the ceiling.

Bakugou squeezed Todoroki's hand. "Y'know, that's just fucking sad. You'd rather live with nothing because it hurt too much to lose it all once, so the idea of losing it all twice is unthinkable?"

"No. It's nothing that deep. I can't explain it."

"You sure yer not unconsciously doing this as a defense mechanism?" Bakugou queried with the raise of his brow. "'Cuz don't think I forgot when you had the look of pure terror in your eyes. You've had this weird, eerie vibe ever since, and more and more, you've emphasized that you don't care." His warm digits hugged Todoroki's hand against the hospital bed. "I just feel like you're lying to yourself because that bastard broke you. What did he do to you that night, Icyhot?"

That night? Todoroki pondered, reeling in his memories. What did happen? I don't remember. Clearly, it didn't matter if I can't remember.

"Nothing," Todoroki replied. "Really. All I remember is having a bit of an argument with you about leaving, and when I got back to the apartment, I was out of it." He endeavored the retrieval of his memories that shattered between the two events he could recall from that night, but his efforts were to no avail. "I can't remember, so I'm sure I was just caught up in some suicidal urge."

Bakugou's shoulders tensed, and his voice attained a new layer of grit. "You do know that's kinda one of the signs of trauma, right? Forgetting something like that?" He stood up from the chair and gazed down at Todoroki's frail, scarred body. "It fucking makes me sad, Todoroki…" he hissed through his teeth, squinting his crimson eyes. "You weren't like this before. This isn't… This isn't the person I knew and loved all those months ago! You went from that depressed but healing and loving Shouto I knew…to someone who I feel has stripped himself of all his emotions and even some of his memories just to keep himself together. Who…if he did feel or remember what he's lost, would completely come undone because it's too much. You're an asshole now, y'know that? All the 'I don't care' and 'nothing matters' shit…

"Saying things are useless and a waste of time, clearly just finding all the people trying to help you as a burden, faking your reactions and emotions just to get what you want…" Bakugou curled his hands into the sheets. "This isn't you, Todoroki! Frankly, I fucking hate who you've become! Have you listened to yourself?! It's painful… I know yer gonna ask why I care if you're not my problem, and I shouldn't concern myself with someone like you if this is what I think, but y'know why I'm telling your flaws to your face?" Bakugou leaned forward and wrapped Todoroki into a tight embrace. "Because I care about you, and I don't want you to go through this shit anymore! All I've done…is break you and watch you fall apart. Only I can make the changes I wanna see. And I… I just want you to be happy again, Todoroki… I want to see your genuine smile. I want you to look forward to tomorrow. I just want you to no longer be suffering."

Hearing Bakugou's rapid, quaking breaths break on his shoulder, Todoroki loosely returned the embrace while ruminating over a response. "Seeing me like this hurts you?" he asked, feeling the ash-blonde nod. "You hate who I am now, but you still care? I don't understand. How do you care if you hate me?" He lifted his head when Bakugou pulled away.

"'Cuz this isn't you," Bakugou huffed. "You didn't stop caring about me when you found out about how much I'd lied to you. You wanted to fix me. Even though you didn't like how I'd become a mess that refused to get help, you still loved me." He sank back into his chair and brought his hands to his face and elbows to his knees. "I don't know how to help you, I don't know what you've been through, I don't even know you anymore… It eats me alive, Icyhot. The person I care about the most is just always suffering, pretending, suppressing, dissociating… And there's nothing I can do, nothing you'll let me do, or nothing I've decided to do when I should've. You won't even let me try and right my wrongs. You boil my blood, I'm always jealous of you, and I want to scream all the things I hate about you at you, but despite that…" He exhaled sharply.

Todoroki remained silent as he digested Bakugou's incandescent words. So it is true that all I'm doing is making your life more difficult, he realized. You can't help me. That's what you don't get. This is just who I am now, and if you hate me, then leave. I can't go back to that person anymore.

After stranding Bakugou in thick, suffocating silence for another few moments, Todoroki sighed, "I don't think it's going to benefit you to keep holding on, Bakugou." His eyes were bereft of light as he locked his gaze with Bakugou's. "I know I talked about how we could try and repair our friendship and work up from there, but the more I've heard from you, the more it seems like it's only hurting you to stand by me. It's hard to be friends after a relationship like ours, and it's cruel how we lost it, but I think it would be for the best if we—"

"No." Interpolating Todoroki's dull words, Bakugou's voice singed the air. "I'm not saying this for me. I'm saying this because you keep doing one concerning thing after the next, Icyhot! I'm not…" His eyes began to overflow with silver rivulets. "I can't fucking do this… I'm so fucking overwhelmed. Everything's going to shit. If you think you're helping me by saying that, you couldn't be more wrong. You're making it even worse for me. Do you realize how fucking selfish that actually is?! I've told you again and again I want to make up for all the shit I did to you, and you wanna cut me off before I can do anything?! Before I have any closure?! Before anything gets resolved?!

"Shut the fuck up… I'm not fucking leaving you when you're like this, and I'm not letting you cut me out when I know you're not gonna take care of yourself at all if no one's there to incentivize you to live. Is that it? Do you just wanna die so much that you're killing off all your reasons to live? To get up? To function at all? That sick fuck isn't here anymore, so you don't have to worry about him doing anything to me when you're dead. Living isn't gonna keep me safe anymore, and you already didn't wanna live." Bakugou's words were scalding daggers. "Don't even lie to me and say you don't wanna die."

Todoroki shrugged. "I don't necessarily want to die, but I don't necessarily want to live." He expelled a sigh. "You're overcomplicating things. Don't make it sound like I'm miserable. But fine. We can stay friends like this, but it's ultimately your fault if clinging to me only hurts you."

Bakugou donned a lour. "Fuck you." He placed his hands on his face and slid them down as though rinsing his face with water. "Aside from this shit, how're you doing with the feeding tube and everything?" He exhaled slowly.

The memory of tossing out the cup of yogurt he'd been expected to eat returned to Todoroki. "Fine, for the most part."

There are still some things I just can't seem to eat.

"Well, at least something is improving. I'm just hoping you'll let yer therapist help you through what that sick fuck did to you. Was he also jealous of our relationship? 'Cuz you didn't want anyone to find out when we tried to get back together."

"He would've hurt me if he found out, yes, but there was something bigger I wanted to avoid. Despite my efforts, it happened anyway. I can't get back what I lost—or, more accurately, what he took from me. I only remember bits and pieces of those moments. I'm sure you can put the pieces in place."

Bakugou furrowed his brows, but after a moment of silence, his eyes widened, and he abruptly looked up at Todoroki. "This whole time…" He crushed his digits into fists.

Todoroki nodded. "Now, the person who did all that to me is dead. If you think about it, I guess that would've been a perfect motive for me to have lied about my final interactions with Rui. But all I can do is keep moving and leave it behind me." His eyes were like two voids ringed with turquoise and gray.

Crystalline droplets began to cascade from Bakugou's eyes. "And you've just kept it all to yourself… Fuck. Fuck! He ran away from all his crimes in the end too!" He slammed his fist against the chair, causing it to topple over with a clatter. "Why am I the one who feels so distraught over this?! It pisses me off even more. He used you until the end and took the easy way out like the fucking coward he was! And you… You didn't even try to stop him, did you? I don't believe for a second anymore that you lied about what happened. I know you wouldn't lie about something like this." His expression was wrought with sizzling rancor as he jerked the chair back upright.

"He was a broken man," Todoroki replied in monotone. "He'd also been used and taken advantage of. More times than me, certainly. It was only after he was used enough that he snapped. From what I know, he was a very kind and selfless person before. Too selfless. You can imagine how that went." He turned onto his side; his hips began to ache. "I know you're thinking it shouldn't have warranted him getting off the hook so easily, and it doesn't warrant that, but he's now guaranteed never to put anyone else in danger. He'll never be able to go after you again for complete revenge, either. I'm not trying to validate what he did or imply that he had a 'just reason' for it, and I'd never condone what he did to me, but that's some of his story—what led him to do what he did."

It's annoying to reiterate and emphasize again and again that I'm not trying to justify his crimes, but if I didn't make that indubitably and unequivocally explicit and manifest, you'd think that that just is what I'm trying to do. Then again, maybe if I push that sentiment too much, you'd think it anyway because of how much I'm trying to make it clear. How annoying.

Wiping his tears with his sleeve, Bakugou took a shaky breath in. "It's not even gonna do any good to argue with you about it, no matter how much it pisses me off." He scrunched the bottom of his sweatshirt into his hand. "I hate that. I hate that so fucking much, Todoroki. So, before I explode, I'm gonna do what my therapist suggested and take a walk." He stood up and promptly turned away from Todoroki. "I'll bring you some cold soba tomorrow."

Todoroki felt his phone vibrate beside him. "Thanks." Although he half-expected Bakugou to add a sarcastic comment in return, he watched as Bakugou silently exited the room.

Aizawa
Any questions on the homework?

Todoroki
None so far

Aizawa
Don't hesitate to ask me if you have any. Have things been going decently?

Todoroki
Yeah. My leg is healing faster than expected, but I'll still be here for the full week. I've also gained some weight

Aizawa
Good to hear it.

Only Katsuki knows the truth, Todoroki sighed to himself as a female nurse with short black hair entered the room. Ask all you want, but you'll never hear it from me. Every day you've visited, you've tried to pry it out of me. Slowly, forcibly, gradually… It's not going to work. I know you know Rui is to blame for most of the problems I developed, but all you can do is make conjectures. It kills you, doesn't it? He held out his arm for the nurse to take his blood pressure. The thing is…I've forgotten a lot of it.