"So… Are we gonna talk about what just happened or…?", Cappie looks at me with a smirk.
We're laying in his bed facing each other, it's probably only late afternoon, I had lost track, but it's pretty dark outside from all the rain. Plus it's Fall, the days are getting darker and darker.
Neither one of us had spoken to each other for a few minutes since we'd taken part in what was now the second time in the past 24 hours of being irresponsible coparents. Both of which instances were initiated by me, who was usually the one who had it together.
We'd just finished and then laid there, probably both too scared to talk first. We'd just been catching our breath which was much needed after the spur of the moment, needing release right that second, sex. I'd felt like I needed him so bad I practically had a fit when I couldn't get his jeans off. It was a whole different type of hunger in me that seemed to both amuse and please Cappie.
Yes, the whole thing was pretty impulsive on my part. But Cappie seemed to be the one person who brought that side out of me.
"No", I give him a look and then lean forward to kiss him.
"Fine by me. I for one am still busy trying to wrap my head around that move you did somewhere around the middle mark… very interesting use of your feet on either side of my head", Cappie gives me a smile.
I cover my face then, my cheeks red hot and I immediately want to hide, embarrassed. I feel his hands gently move my own away so I'm forced to meet his eyes.
"Ah there she is. Don't hide, I like seeing you blush", He grins. "Especially if I'm the reason why".
I laugh then, moving closer to him.
"I just want to let this last as long as it can without us… having to define it", I say.
I'm not sure if he knows exactly what I mean by that. But I don't want to decide whether to be with each other or not yet because I don't want to bypass this. How we bounce back into us so easily like this. How good this felt. I didn't want the pressure of being a couple, because then we could fail and things might not be great between us for the baby. Our breakup in the Spring wasn't exactly the most amicable.
But the alternative… the alternative would be giving this up. And being with Cappie like this was the best thing that had happened to me since I found out I was pregnant. I didn't even realize how much I needed him those first few months in Chicago before I told him about the baby.
So I preferred to live in this grey area where we didn't yet have to define our relationship. Even if that seemed delusional and irresponsible.
He scans my face then, probably thinking that this was out of character for me. I mean he was usually the go with the flow guy, not me.
Nonetheless his face turns into a smirk and he leans forward to pull my chin up to kiss him.
"Okay", He says in half a whisper when we part. "Whatever you want, we'll do".
"Thanks Cap", I smile.
"Hey Case?"
I nod as he looks like he's struggling to ask me what he wants to ask or not.
"Did your parents really want you to put her up for adoption?", He refers to my moms words at lunch.
"Yeah", I nod with a sigh. "I mean when I came home from the appointment that was supposed to be an abortion without actually getting the abortion… they weren't the happiest for a bit there".
He frowns, and strokes my cheek softly.
"I'm sorry", He says quietly.
"It's… okay. Really, I think they were just trying to help. When I came home and announced that I couldn't go through with the procedure and was just going to have the baby they thought that an adoption would be easier for me. I mean… you know what my parents think of me. They don't think I can handle much", I try to say that last part like a joke but it really did hurt that my mom and dad underestimated me so much. It made me insecure about my abilities to be a mom. To be much of anything for that matter.
"My mom, um… she told me I shouldn't be a mother… so I didn't really know what to do with that. My own family didn't really believe in me", I confess to him.
"Well you know they're not right, don't you? Because believe me, you're the most capable person I've ever met", He says.
I smile at him.
"I… think I know that it's just… it was hard there while I was in Chicago. My mom and dad, Rusty not talking to me, Ash a million miles away. I didn't want to talk to any of my old friends from high school about it", I sigh. "I… I guess I just really wanted to talk to you".
He gives me a soft look and then pulls me into him so I'm against him. I feel his hand rub my back gently, comfortingly. My hair is still wet, as I move it out of my face.
"I would sit awake at night um… just wondering what you would think if you knew", I confess. "And… then picturing us with a baby, even if it seemed impossible we'd ever be a family".
"I'm sorry I was being such an idiot", He says and shakes his head.
"Well… I was being an idiot too", I say with a slight laugh.
"Case… we are a family, okay? You don't have to think twice about that. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks", He whispers against me and I smile against his chest, breathing in his smell. Here with him, feeling so at home, so safe from any harm.
He kisses the top of my head and I melt into him further and we lay like that for awhile.
"Cap", I break the silence. "I think on Monday I might look at places in Rusty's building. I was reading this thing online the other day where this woman had her baby like two months early and had absolutely nothing ready".
I look up to see him smirking at me, giving me a look that says 'you're crazy'.
"It could happen!", I say, knowing already what he's gonna say.
"As you wish", He nods and gives in.
"I'm not bringing a baby home to ZBZ", I explain. "Or worse… here".
We both laugh.
"I get it, we should get on it anyways, if the baby's coming in early January we still have to move you in and get the baby's stuff set up", He says. "And… you still want to do a two bedroom right?"
He alludes to the fact that I had asked him if instead of a one bedroom for just me and the baby to live, he'd want to stay with us too.
"Yeah I was still thinking that, if it's okay with you of course", I look up at him.
"It's good with me", He smiles that Cappie smile at me. "More than good with me because I'll be around everytime you worry about her".
He laughs slightly then.
I do worry a lot.
"It'll avoid a lot of me calling you in the middle of the night about stuff I've seen on WebMD. Instead I can just go into your room and bug you", I joke with him and we laugh.
Neither one of us dares to bring up whether we'll share a room in this apartment. I had originally thought that I would have my own room with the baby, and Cappie would have his own room.
But… now that we've slept together, twice, I don't think either one of us really knew what the arrangement would be, just that we wanted to be staying together when she shows up.
"So… as much as I absolutely hate to leave you when you're in my bed, without your clothes on at that, I kind of have to go to work in an hour", Cappie says.
"Well I have to get back to ZBZ anyway, make sure Ashleigh got the right groceries or else Rebecca will kill me", I laugh. "Busy night at Doblers I'm guessing, since it's homecoming".
"Yeah it's all hands on deck tonight", He says. "Gonna be pretty crazy with the crowds".
"Well I should get going then, hopefully the rains stopped", I smile and get up to grab my undergarments that somehow have made their way onto Cappie's floor.
I search for my dress then, as I feel Cappie's hands wrap around my back pulling me closer to him and back onto the bed as I laugh.
"Just one more minute", He says and kisses me softly and slowly, probably trying to make this last as long as he can.
Just like I was.
"Ash?", I walk into my bedroom at ZBZ hoping she's around. There were a couple of girls here but a lot of them had gone to the game and were now probably drying off at Doblers or one of the other bars or clubs around town.
"Hey Case. How'd lunch go?", She's sitting on the floor with newspapers all over, to my confusion.
"It was…", I search for the words. "Well it went. But… it was probably good I got it over with. Cappie was surprisingly really mature. And it was good that Rusty was there too to back us up. So I think I'm off the hook for moving back to Chicago. Even if my parents are still pretty disappointed".
"Well I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself!"
"Thanks Ash", I smile. "What's all this?"
I reference to the newspaper clippings on the floor.
"Well… I know that we've been having a great time staying together just like old times but… I think it's time for me to get something more permanent since I'm gonna be staying in Cyprus for the time being", Ashleigh sighs. "So I'm looking for my own place. I mean, all I can afford is basically a closet but it's better than an air mattress on the floor".
"Aw Ash", I lean down to hug her as best as I can. It was getting harder and harder to do simple things like bending over with my growing belly. "I'm gonna miss you. But… to be honest I'm gonna be looking at apartments on Monday too. I also have to make my way out of ZBZ soon".
"Well we're both growing up Case", She smiles. "Just you are… a little faster".
We both laugh then.
"So where have you been all this time? I went to the game until it started pouring and then decided that seeing guys run around for what I can only assume is for fun was not worth getting my new blowout ruined", Ash says and I give her a knowing smirk. "So I came home. And you were nowhere to be found".
"Well…", I sit down on my bed. "Lunch lasted a long time and then… I drove Rusty home. Then drove Cappie home so…"
She gives me a look.
"I just hung out with Cappie for a bit, took shelter from the rain at KT. It was out of necessity due to the weather conditions more than anything", I shrug like it's no big deal.
"Uh huh", Ashleigh's eyes narrow, sensing my lies. "Well as long as you didn't sleep with him again".
I scoff then like she's crazy for even suggesting such a notion.
"God no, I only did that once. At… a moment of weakness", I lie but I'm pretty sure Ash buys it.
"Well good. You have to figure out what you are first, for the baby. Even Rusty thinks so", Ash says nonchalantly.
"Speaking of Rusty…", I cross my arms and now it's time for me to grill her. "Are you gonna tell me why you were acting so weird around him?"
She groans and puts her hands over her face.
"Ugh god… well. Promise you won't get mad?", She looks at me, a slight grimace gracing her face.
"I promise", I say, but I'm instantly suspicious of Ash reacting this way.
"I kissed Rusty", She sighs loudly.
"Ash!", I put my hand over my mouth.
"I know, I know", She groans. "But don't worry, I'm not even sure that he remembers it. He was honestly really really drunk".
"I'm just shocked", I shake my head. "I didn't know that… you thought of him that way".
"I didn't", She asserts. "I mean, I don't. But things got so out of hand last night. It's a long story. Rebecca left early to go see Evan, so then me and Laura were left at the party and Laura wanted to go over to Dales. And so we did. And then um… well Laura and Dale were in his bedroom and Rusty came home while I was sitting on the couch, and I was sad at my current life situation and he was really drunk…"
I look at her still in complete shock.
"I don't know if he remembers and honestly it's probably better if he doesn't because… it's weird right?", She sighs. "He probably doesn't".
"Well", I say. "I know it's not really my place. But he's my little brother and I love him and I think you should just… be careful. Because Rusty could get hurt easily".
"Trust me, the last thing I want to do is hurt Rusty", She assures me. "He's my friend. So… I'm just going to say nothing and see if we can just bury it".
"That's probably the right thing to do", I nod.
"Even though burying something and not talking about it is… well, not the healthiest", Ash sighs again seeming lost in her thoughts, obviously having been wrestling with this throughout the day.
I can't help but take her words and apply them to my own life.
Was me and Cappie not talking about our relationship unhealthy?
"Ash… why don't we watch a movie? Do something to take our minds off the guys in our life", I suggest, wanting to stop thinking about the fact that I was being irresponsible with my situation with Cappie.
"Sounds good to me", Ash smiles. "As long as it's a cheesy romcom, you and me both need a little bit of that in our lives right now".
I laugh nervously again, hoping not to allude to the fact that my past 24 hours were actually fairly full of romantic moments.
"I'm just gonna shower, then I'll meet you downstairs", I smile, I clutch my lower abdomen then, feeling slightly crampy.
"You okay?", Ash asks.
"Yeah I don't know, it must be a pregnancy thing. I'm having like stabbing pains but I'm sure it's nothing. They're not that bad. Who knows, maybe it's the baby", I shrug.
"Okay, well I'll go get the movie set up", She smiles.
After the long day I'd had a shower was just what I needed. The hot water felt good on my body since I'd been freezing after being rained on earlier.
The rest of the night is exactly what I needed, me and Ash together again like old times in this house.
I really never in a million years thought it would happen again.
And even though I'd been wanting my own space, I cherished the time left that Ash was gonna spend here with me, since both of us would be out on our own soon.
"Goodnight Ash", I say as we're both tucked in our beds.
"Night Case!"
I might not even let Ash's snoring bother me tonight. I'd welcome the noise because I know once she leaves I'll probably miss having someone here with me at night.
I fall asleep quickly, tired from the events of the day.
But the next thing I know my body jolts awake almost as though I've been electrocuted.
Electrocuted with pain.
"Ow", I let out and then begin to prop myself up to look at my surroundings.
Ash is still here, good.
The clock says 2:24am. I'd slept less than 3 hours.
I could feel cramps going through my pelvic area and my back and it hurt to move.
I begin to try to sit up. Ow.
But the worst thing is what I find next.
My pajama shorts are wet. And even in the darkness, even in my tired and confused state, I knew what it must be.
Blood.