Disclaimer: SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. I own nothing. Quotes that are in italics and are underlined are taken directly from the show, and not my own dialogue.
A/N #1 - TW is added to this story for discussion of thematic material related to traumatic events, and is rated M for its dark nature. Also, while not exactly a songfic, this story was inspired by a song, and will come into play as the chapters progress. To listen to what motivated me, look for "Lighthouse" by Collabro.
William Lewis was dead. After having been at his mercy twice now, and made to endure hours of untold trauma and torture, not to mention a game of Russian Roulette, the man could never harm her – or anyone else – again. Still, Olivia Benson was unsure if she would ever fully recover from her ordeals. Currently, all she knew was that she was being driven away from her most recent nightmare in the back of a squad car, Lewis' blood still staining her face. She knew she was deep in shock, and a part of her longed for escape in any way possible – anything that she could use as a means to live in her bubble of denial for just a little while longer.
A short time later at the hospital, while she was being examined, Olivia remained mostly on auto pilot, mechanically answering questions, and robotically obeying the instructions she was given. Looking down at her body, she was loosely aware that her clothes had been exchanged for a gown, and flinched as a flash bulb illuminated in her face.
"I'm sorry, Sergeant. I thought I had given you enough warning."
A gentle voice murmured an apology, and she looked toward the source of the sound. Barely recognizing one of the emergency room nurses, Olivia continued to stare blankly. In her present state she was incapable of feeling any emotion. Her muddled mind couldn't put all the pieces together, so she wasn't quite sure if she'd call what she was feeling in regard toward herself apathy – but all she knew was that the last time things had felt this surreal, she was being led out of a beach house wrapped in a blanket after having beaten William Lewis within an inch of his life.
There was a hand grasping her wrist gently now, and somewhere through the haze, Olivia made the connection that they were checking her fingers for gunpowder residue and other evidence. She hoped that no one expected her to make a statement anytime soon, because she honestly didn't think she was capable.
Gradually, she was becoming more aware of things around her – the sounds, the smells. How long she had been in this examination room, though, she didn't know. What she did know was that a pervasive chill had taken hold of her body, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop shivering. Even her teeth were starting to chatter.
"It's all right, Sergeant. We're almost done here. Then I can let you get cleaned up."
The same kind voice that had spoken to her earlier was back, and Olivia felt as a blanket was draped around her shoulders. She accepted the small comfort for what it was, grateful for the distraction. She'd take any reprieve that would spare her from going back in time and reliving those last heart stopping moments in the granary.
"Sergeant?...Sergeant?"
Someone was calling to her again, but Olivia couldn't seem to get her motor functions to respond properly. She knew she was expected to give an answer, she just wasn't sure how. Managing to focus on the woman in scrubs standing in front of her, she blinked rapidly several times in succession. She also tried taking several deep breaths, in an attempt to center herself. This method however, had the opposite of its intended effect, as she inadvertently overstimulated her lungs and began to hyperventilate. Clawing wildly at her throat as she gasped for air, Olivia felt several sets of hands ease her down into a supine position. She began to panic further as something covered her nose and mouth, and all she could think was that Lewis was back – that he wasn't dead after all and she was in his clutches once more.
Flailing now, Olivia began to strike out blindly. There was no one else in danger now – no one relying on her for their survival – so she could fight back as much as she liked. And fight she would. She was determined that even if this was the last thing she ever did, she was going to take William Lewis down with her.
More than one pair of hands were still holding her down – since when did Lewis rely on accomplices? Olivia struggled again to sit up but she was virtually immobile. She heard voices calling out instructions to one another, and she picked one out of the din. That was the same person who had spoken to her not long ago, told her everything would be all right. This was someone who had been offering her comfort, not prolonging her pain. Reality began to sink back in – she was in a hospital, she was safe.
Though she was no longer actively fighting the oxygen mask on her face, Olivia was still extremely agitated. She tried to sit up again, this time to tell the people in the room that she was fine, but she just needed some space, when she felt a sharp prick in her upper arm. It was followed by a warm sensation spreading quickly throughout her body from her head to her toes. The bastards had sedated her. Olivia tried to fight against the mire that was pulling her into the undertow, but it was no use. Within seconds, she was out.
When she came to some time later, the first thing Olivia was aware of was that someone had wiped her face clean of the dried blood that had stained it. In its place were a multitude of tear tracks. She lifted her hand to wipe them away, but was stopped short. Glancing to her side, she was alarmed to realize that her arms were fastened to the rails of the bed she was lying in with soft cloth restraints. Trying to quell the panic that was rising within, she looked around for anything that could help ground her – something she could recognize.
Sitting to her left, reading quietly from a book perched in his lap, was Dr. Lindstrom. Seeing her trusted psychiatrist, Olivia exhaled a sigh of relief. She didn't know who had called him or when, but his presence here was proof enough for now that she had escaped her living nightmare once more. It didn't answer all of her questions, but there would be time to get them answered. She was alive.
"Dr. Lindstrom"
Her throat was dry from whatever they'd given her, and her voice was nothing like she knew herself to sound like. Olivia watched as the man next to her responded, and lifted his head. As always, his eyes were kind. She saw empathy reflected there, but no pity. Gesturing toward her wrists helplessly, she asked without words why a hospital would go so far as to restrain a victim of a recent assault. Even though it was something she'd witnessed before, Olivia still couldn't believe it was happening – to her no less.
"I'm sorry, Olivia. When I arrived, I tried to use my authority as your psychiatrist to get you released from your restraints, but I was overruled."
"What did they give me?"
Peter Lindstrom shook his head regretfully. He'd read her chart, though he'd had to fight tooth and nail to gain access to it. Apparently they had believed she was behaving erratically and lashing out, and decided to sedate her for her own well being. It hadn't occurred to any of the idiots treating her that the woman was having a flashback related to her trauma.
"Haloperidol."
Olivia shivered involuntarily. That may not have been William Lewis's drug of choice, but combined with the alcohol he had forced down her throat those four days she was with him that first time, the brain numbing haze she had been in then was pretty similar to how she felt right at this very moment.
"I want to go home. When can I go home?"
"Olivia..."
The tone of his voice, combined with the look on his face told her immediately that she was not going to like what he had to say. She didn't need to be completely lucid in order to understand that. As the various scenarios stemming from her current situation began to swim in her mind, she eventually landed on the inevitable.
"You're got to be fucking kidding me. They're admitting me? Can't you do something about this?"
"I'm sorry, Olivia. In this instance, I actually agree with them – not about you being a danger to yourself – but in your needing more extensive care. You've just been traumatized, again. I haven't heard your side of things yet, but I know that it had to have been horrifying for you."
She had been trying to sit up further, struggling against the restraints, but now Olivia collapsed back against the pillows, defeated. How was it that even dead, William Lewis still found a way to ruin her life? What else could go wrong?
As the drug continued to work its way out of her system, it became more apparent to her that she had, in fact, been moved. Gone was the examination room she was in before. In its place was a more traditional hospital room. Now she was confused again – for a whole new set of reasons. Due to her experience on the job, Olivia knew the rooms on the psychiatric ward didn't look like this. Just exactly what was going on?
Apparently, Dr. Lindstrom had sensed her confusion, because he hurried to explain. He stated that given the traumas she had endured, the hospital wanted to monitor her on a medical floor for at least forty eight hours before transferring her to psychiatric care. However, during this time, he would be allowed to come in and visit her daily to have sessions with her. Also, they were going to give her the opportunity to agree to have her stay in psych be made voluntary. If she didn't, she'd likely still be admitted for her own safety.
"How long would I have to stay?"
Olivia's voice was soft as she tried to wrap her head around the inevitability of a hospital stay. Still, better to make the decision herself than to be forced against her will. That had happened to her too often lately. From now on, she wanted to make her own choices whenever possible.
"That I don't know. What I can promise is that I will work with your doctor here, so that your transition back to my care is as seamless as possible."
Trying her best not to sound pathetic, because she always avoided sounding weak at all costs, Olivia made a request that she hoped wasn't impossible.
"Can you at least see if you can get me out of these? I'm trying really hard not to panic again here, but they are very triggering. Especially since Lewis had me tied up again today."
"Of course, Olivia. I'll do everything I can. Now that you're awake and much calmer, they may be more willing. I'll be right back."
With that, Dr. Lindstrom stood and left the room, leaving her in the last place she wanted to be – alone with her thoughts.
It was taking Dr. Lindstrom a lot longer than she'd thought to find someone about freeing her from the restraints. Olivia was trying her best not to panic, but her mind was quickly spiraling to dark places yet again. Remembering some of the skills she'd learned in therapy already, she tried to center her breathing, and chose a spot on wall across the room to focus on. Concentrating on the blotch that was marring the paint, she was able to successfully distract herself from falling down the rabbit hole.
As much as she hated to admit it, maybe they were right. Maybe she did need to be admitted for a few days. Sure, she could tell everyone that she was 'fine', but it would be a lie. The truth of the matter was, her hand still trembled with the memory of the weight of the gun in her palm, and her temple still burned from the lingering sensation of the revolver she had pressed against her head.
"Olivia?"
She heard someone calling her name, bringing her back to the present. Dr. Lindstrom was back, and with him this time was an older woman. Though she was skeptical at first, and still hypervigilant, Olivia knew he'd never bring anyone near her who would cause her harm, so she tried her best to relax. As the woman reached for her wrist, she flinched involuntarily, then murmured an apology.
"It's all right, Sergeant. I understand you've had quite the ordeal today. In fact, I'm the one who wants to apologize to you."
As she spoke, the gray haired woman began to unfasten the soft restraints that currently bound Olivia's wrists to the bed rail. Once her patient was free, she even gently massaged the skin, in an attempt to soothe her further. While she worked, she offered up an explanation.
"I'm Sylvia Reynolds, chief of psychiatry here at the hospital. The individual who treated you in our emergency room is an intern, and I am sorry that you were not shown the compassion you deserve. You should never have been forcibly restrained or sedated, and for that, I apologize."
Olivia could only nod her acceptance. Somehow, she had a feeling, that despite the apologies, nothing was going to change her situation. She was still going to be expected to stay here several days – not just for observation, but to sign herself in for psychiatric care as well. Still, she was beginning to consider the benefits of such a scenario. Anything had to be better than going home to her apartment alone. There, she'd likely drown her sorrows in a bottle of wine or two and fight sleep until the night terrors came to claim her. Speaking of having something to drink – the thought reminded her of something. Her mouth was still terribly dry.
"May I have some water, please?"
Again, Dr. Reynolds' voice was kind. She asked permission before taking a seat in the chair Dr. Lindstrom had vacated earlier, and Olivia watched as the woman exchanged a glance with her psychiatrist. When Dr. Lindstrom left the room again, Olivia knew it was he who would bring her a drink, and that this new doctor wanted a moment to speak with her privately.
"I'm sure by now your doctor has explained to you what is going on."
Olivia nodded. She was still feeling some of the effects of the haloperidol she'd been given earlier, but not so much that she was unable to participate in a conversation.
"He has. I will admit, after everything I've been through, this is the last place I want to be, but I'm willing to cooperate."
"That's good to hear Olivia. For now, we plan to continue observing you here on the medical floor for a couple of days. However, myself and a few members of my team will be by to evaluate you. That will help us to determine whether or not you actually need the inpatient psychiatric treatment."
Olivia nodded. Things weren't sounding as dire as Doctor Lindstrom originally painted them. At the very least, an extended hospital stay wasn't set in stone just yet. When she realized she was being spoken to again, she focused her attention on the older woman once more.
"If you're feeling up to it, there are some police officers here to see you. I tried to dissuade them so you could rest, but I believe they are members of your squad. They've assured me they have no intention to question you until you are ready, they merely want to see for themselves that you are all right."
For the first time since arriving at the hospital, Olivia was able to form some semblance of a smile. Her squad – her family, was here. There was no shame to be had, they had already seen her at worst. While there would certainly be some admonitions for what she had done, she welcomed their concern. Right now, she needed to surround herself with people who were familiar.
"You can let them in."
Before anyone came in to visit, Dr. Lindstrom returned to the room first, bringing for her a small pitcher of ice water along with a cup with which to drink from. Pouring her some, he passed it to her, letting her have her fill. Then, he promised her he would be back to check on her later before he left the hospital, so they could work out a time for him to see her the following day.
"I'll be in to see you again later, too, Olivia. While you are staying here, Dr. Lindstrom and I will be working together to maintain your care. If you should feel overwhelmed at any time, or have any questions, please tell your nurse, and they can page me."
"I will. Thank you Dr. Reynolds, Dr. Lindstrom."
In truth, Olivia was feeling overwhelmed now, but she wouldn't admit to it. She just wanted to see some friendly faces. Not only did she want the comfort of the familiar, but she figured they would need the reassurance that she was all right. In her attempt to save Amelia, she'd likely given them all a scare, and she knew she owed them an apology for it – even if faced with a similar situation, she'd make the same choice again in a heartbeat in order to save an innocent child.
Setting her cup down on the tray table next to her bed, Olivia relaxed against the pillows momentarily while she waited for her visitors to arrive. Fatigue was creeping up on her again, whether it was from the loss of adrenaline from earlier, or the lingering effects from the haloperidol she'd been given, she wasn't sure. Pushing that feeling to the side, she forced a smile as she heard footsteps nearing her door. It was time to face her friends.
Fin was the first to enter her room, and the man who had been her steadfast friend for years didn't hesitate to walk the few steps toward her and envelop her into a gentle hug. Leaning in, he whispered something fiercely, meant for her ears alone.
"I got your back, Liv. No matter what."
When they separated, despite all her promises to herself, Olivia was fighting back tears already, and she'd only seen one of her colleagues so far. What was it going to be like when she saw the rest? The next few moments passed in an emotional whirlwind as she was hugged by Amanda, then finally Nick. The guilt on her partner's face was a familiar expression, one she tried not to focus on for too long, lest it be triggering and take her to places she'd rather not revisit. Still, Olivia felt a need to address the elephant in the room, as it were.
"Please, I don't want any of you blaming yourselves. I knew what I was doing when I slipped my detail. I'm sorry I put you through that, but I don't have any regrets. Had I not, he would have killed Amelia."
A new voice in the room broke in suddenly, and it was harsher than she was expecting, but still filled with concern.
"Olivia, stop talking. Also, I advise you not to say anything else without a lawyer and your PBA representative."
Looking toward the door, everyone saw Rafael Barba standing there. He was impeccably dressed as always, but the expression on his face was haggard. It was obvious he'd just heard the news about Olivia's most recent ordeal, and the detectives in the room felt somewhat guilty for having left the attorney out of the loop earlier. They knew he cared for Olivia a great deal, too, but time had been of the essence.
Now, more than ever, Olivia was confused as hell. Fin's initial statement came back to her now, with a new meaning. Now it was Barba's advice ringing in her ears. Just what was going on? Looking to her friends for an explanation, she waited. However, it was soon apparent that none would be forthcoming. That was when the harshness of reality began to sink in. They all thought that she had killed Lewis.
Newfound waves of nausea began to wash over her. Maybe staying in the hospital for a few days would be a good thing after all. Then she could avoid the nightmare her life had become for a little while longer. How could it be that even dead, William Lewis still found ways to torture her? Now, it wasn't just her life that would be on the line, but her reputation and career as well. What if no one believed her?
Suddenly, Olivia didn't feel as safe in the presence of her fellow squad members as she once did. She felt like she was under the microscope. Once again, like when she had been in that courtroom, it felt like her integrity was being called into question. She knew that after the confession she had made on air, the public's perception against her would already be skewed. Why hadn't Lewis just killed her when he had the chance? That last bullet had been meant for her. He could have easily forced her to die by her own hand, or even pulled the trigger on her himself.
Instead, it seems he had opted for a different form of torture altogether. One in which he would continue to haunt her for the rest of her days. Would she ever be free of him? The pervasive sense of cold was suddenly back, and Olivia felt her body quaking with a combination of fear and shivers. Somewhere in her peripheral vision, she was vaguely aware of Fin sending everyone else out of the room.
Moments later, he was by her side again, laying a spare blanket over her. He kept one arm around her, the gesture reassuring without being too smothering, and ready to pull back the second he sensed any panic on her part. It reminded Olivia of the way he had soothed her years before, after they had arrested Lowell Harris at Sealview. Fin had offered her comfort and his solemn promise that he would tell no one about what had happened in the basement of that prison without her consent.
"It's going to be okay, Liv. You'll want to listen to Barba. But between you and me? One thing I can promise you – I know you didn't do this."
Olivia raised tear laden eyes toward her friend. He believed her? She leaned her head against his shoulder, accepting his comfort. Fin wasn't typically a demonstrative man, but he had always had a soft spot for her, and she knew he considered her to be like a sister. The feeling was mutual – her relationship with him was closer than that with her own flesh and blood brother, Simon.
"I don't want you to worry, let met take care of everything. I'll call Langan – he's an ass, but he helped you out once before."
She could only nod – the mention of the defense attorney's name calling to mind a memory she'd rather forget. Back to another time she had been falsely accused of murder. Then, her partner at the time – not to mention best friend – Elliot Stabler had been her fiercest advocate. Not only had he mortgaged his house to bail her out of jail, but he'd gone above and beyond to prove her innocence. If he were here now – he'd be beside himself with worry and guilt.
Olivia shook her head ruefully, letting the thoughts wash over her. That was a pretty big "if". She hadn't spoken to Elliot in years. He'd left the job behind, seemingly leaving her behind in the process. While she could understand his walking away from the badge – the traumatic event that prompted it would shake anyone to the core – she never quite had understood how he could leave her. Still, even after all this time, she missed him desperately. More so now than ever before.
The first time William Lewis had taken her captive, she had taunted the man, threatening to call her 'old partner'. How she wishes now she had done just that. The nightmare would have ended then and there. Then again, the situation likely would have resulted with Elliot being the one behind bars. Olivia knew without question, no matter how much time they'd spent apart, he'd have done anything to protect her – even if it meant killing a man with his bare hands.
It didn't mean she wasn't still angry with him from time to time, or didn't hold a tinge of bitterness in her heart. Part of what hurt the most with all this trauma she had been made to endure was it cost her one of the last remaining links to her former partner. Yes, she still had the "Semper Fi" medallion hidden away in a jewelry box, but that hurt too much to look at. What she mourned now was the loss of her talisman – the mini badge that Elliot had sent her that had been an exact replica of the one he had worn so proudly all those years by her side. She'd kept it fastened to the base of her gun, a solid reminder that she still carried him with her. Now, that was forever lost, buried in an evidence box never to see the light of day again.
"Olivia? Olivia?"
She was pulled back to the present by the sound of her name being called. Fin was still in the room with her, more concerned than ever. Olivia supposed it was lucky for her sake that she answered him before he went to get a nurse. The last thing she needed right now was to be sedated again. She was, however, longing to get some sleep, though she doubted it would be peaceful.
Recognizing her fatigue, Fin made his excuses to go, but not without reaffirming his promises to her. Embracing her once more, he even went a step above and beyond and a placed a kiss on the crown of her head. Olivia closed her eyes at the comforting sensation, letting it ground her and remind her that she was actually safe from all the events that had transpired earlier today.
"Thank you, Fin."
"I'll see you tomorrow, Liv."
Olivia woke the next morning after a fitful night of sleep. The nurses had offered to give her a sedative, saying that Dr. Reynolds had ordered one for her upon request, but she had refused. Truth be told, after her ordeal with Lewis, she had trouble taking anything stronger than an an aspirin. While they were understanding of that, they were more concerned with her refusal to eat dinner the night before. That was where Olivia found herself getting a bit frustrated. She wasn't purposely trying to be difficult, she simply had no appetite. The sheer thought of food made her ill. She had however, promised that she would try again with breakfast.
Now it was time for her to see if she could live up to her promise. She could hear the food cart rumbling in the hallway, and knew an orderly would be bringing in her tray at any moment. Sure enough, a figure filled her doorway seconds later, and Olivia tried her best not to flinch at the new presence. They young man placed her food on the tray table, and gave her a pleasant greeting before retreating.
Warily, Olivia viewed what had been put in front of her. From what she could see, there was milk accompanying a single serving box of cornflakes, along with some yogurt. There was also a cup of coffee. Hiding underneath the plate cover was a lone hard boiled egg and two pieces of toast. On the side of the tray was everything she'd need to accompany the meal – cream and sugar for the coffee, salt and pepper, plus butter for the toast.
Knowing she wouldn't be able to accomplish much, she decided she would at least try to manage the toast. It wasn't exactly a complete meal, but it would be better than nothing. Her stomach was still upset, so she knew better than to eat a lot. On any other given day, the coffee would be appealing, but today the smell of it just made her feel queasy.
Before she could get started with buttering her toast, however, a nurse had come into the room. Olivia accepted this interruption, actually somewhat relieved for the brief reprieve from having to force herself to eat.
"Good morning, Sergeant. Were you able to get any sleep last night?"
Grateful that this woman at least hadn't opened with the dreaded question of 'How are you feeling?', Olivia found herself answering as honestly as possible.
"Some. I did wake up a lot, though – it seemed as though every little sound startled me."
To Olivia's relief, the woman did not suggest she try a sedative come bedtime tonight. Instead, she simply said she would leave a note in her chart requesting that her door be closed to limit the amount of background noise that could filter in. Grateful, Olivia nodded her thanks. It was this kindness that gave her the courage to speak up when asked if she needed anything else after having her vitals taken.
"Actually, yes. If its not too much trouble, would it be possible to get a cup of hot tea? They only sent coffee up on my tray this morning, and I don't think my stomach can handle it."
"Of course. We always keep some in the kitchen on the floor. I'll bring you in a cup of hot water and a tea bag as soon as possible."
While she waited for her tea, Olivia began to nibble on the toast, taking small, hesitant bites. When it seemed like it wasn't going to have an adverse effect on her stomach, she gradually ate more. She'd made it halfway through a piece of toast when the nurse had returned, bringing the tea with her.
Gradually, Olivia found that the combination of tea and toast actually helped to settle her unruly stomach somewhat, and even though she knew she'd face additional internal battles at future mealtimes the rest of the day, she was quite proud of herself for what she'd accomplished.
Later that morning, Trevor Langan, a PBA representative, and Lieutenant Tucker entered her room. Olivia sat up a little straighter in her bed, running a hand through her hair self consciously. She wished this questioning could take place without her being clad in a hospital gown, but the cop in her understood that time was of the essence.
After Tucker explained why he was there – a fact that annoyed Olivia to no end, because why else would he be there, other than to question her about the events of the day before? Langan asked for a few moments alone with her. To everyone's surprise, Tucker acquiesced, and gave them some privacy. Even the PBA rep excused herself momentarily, understanding that whatever would be said remained under the veil of attorney-client privilege.
When they were alone, Trevor took a seat in the chair closest to her bed. He typically didn't handle these kind of cases any longer, but had made an exception considering the circumstances.
"Olivia, I'm sorry we have to meet again like this. I won't waste any time explaining all the details to you, you already know the drill. Anything you tell me is privileged, but you also know, I have to ask you, did you kill William Lewis?"
At hearing another person mention the name of the man who had brought so much horror into her life, yet again so recently as the day before, Olivia's hands began to shake involuntarily. Despite all her efforts to control her emotions, her eyes welled up with tears as memories of what had happened in that granary flooded her mind again. Still, her voice was determined and firm as she answered the attorney's question with a resolute and unwavering 'no'.
"Olivia..."
Trevor's voice held a hint of doubt mixed with warning as he spoke, and she cut him off, holding up a hand as she prevented him from saying another word. Then she explained what she what she could for the time being, the words rushing out in one long continuous stream, practically a monologue.
"The short version? He forced me to play Russian Roulette. Every time it was my turn, he would alternatively aim a gun either at me or Amelia, essentially forcing me to pull the trigger on myself. After we'd each taken two turns, he took his third, and there was only one chamber left – meant for me."
Olivia paused only long enough to lick her lips and take a sip of water, then continued.
"What I hadn't mentioned is the entire time this was going on, he'd been taunting my squad over the radio he'd taken from me. They'd arrived at the granary by then, but we were so high up, it was taking them a long time to get to us. Anyway, there was one chamber left, and it was my turn. I thought for sure I was going to die."
Trevor could see how much Olivia was struggling now, and knew instinctively that the woman in front of him had not pulled the trigger. What he was witnessing was a pure trauma reaction – Olivia Benson had had to watch William Lewis shoot himself in the head.
"He didn't give me back the revolver after that. Instead, he lay the other gun down and stalked toward me. He switched hands, and held the revolver out at an angle, between both of our heads."
By now, Olivia had stopped talking to Trevor, and was now staring at the far wall. Her voice had dropped to a whisper as she repeated the last words William Lewis spoke to her, words that would forever be etched in her mind.
"Game over. Say goodbye, Olivia. This is the last thing you're gonna think about before you die. The last thing you're gonna see."
Somewhere in the far corner of her subconscious, the gunshot echoed again just as someone dropped something in the hall. The loud clattering noise echoed in the room, causing Olivia to jump involuntarily. Her breathing began to quicken, and the shaking increased. The room was closing in on her, and there was no escape.
The chain reaction of recalling the events of the day before followed by the startling noise triggered a panic attack, causing Olivia to become virtually unresponsive. Acting quickly, Trevor stepped out in the hall to shout for a nurse, not wanting to waste any time in pressing the call button by Olivia's bedside. She needed help now, and sometimes those call buttons were not always made an emergent priority, depending on what else a nurse was doing at the time.
His shouting attracted the attention of Tucker and the PBA rep, who were waiting further down the hall, but Trevor waved them off. Protecting his clients privacy and dignity was more important right now. Within seconds, not just one, but two nurses were headed toward the room.
Though he was still greatly concerned for Olivia, Trevor stepped back and let the nurses do their job. His mind was still spinning with what she'd just revealed to him. There was no doubt that she'd been telling the truth. Now he just had to protect her and keep her from facing unjust charges. For the time being though, he just wanted Olivia to be all right. Focusing on the woman in front of him once more, Trevor watched as the nurses administered their care.
"That's it Sergeant, deep even breaths."
For the time being, to help get her breathing under control, the nurses had slipped an oxygen mask over Olivia's nose and mouth. They monitored her carefully though, lest the additional coverage would make her feel more claustrophobic than she already did. After a time, Olivia's breathing began to even out, and the shaking began to abate.
"Can you tell me what happened, Sergeant?"
"It's nothing. I'm sorry for all the trouble. I'm fine now."
Olivia tried to deflect away all the attention she was getting, intent on finishing her statements – first to Trevor, then with IAB. As soon as she was done, then maybe everyone would just leave her alone. Even though the last thing she wanted right now was to be by herself with her own thoughts, she wanted even less to be around other people, having them stare at her like she was going to break down at any given moment.
The nurses looked at her like they had their doubts about the veracity of her statement, but didn't push her or question her any further. Instead, after taking a few moments to take her vitals, they retreated, leaving Olivia and Trevor alone in the room once more. Trevor took his place in the chair next to the bed again, now a bit unsure if it was wise to continue his line of questioning.
"Olivia, are you sure you want to continue? Because if not, I can figure out something to say to Tucker, buy you at least another day or two."
Resigned to her fate, Olivia just sighed and shook her head.
"Let's just get this over with."
After making sure he'd gotten all the details necessary from his client, Trevor went back out into the hall and and waved in Lieutenant Tucker and the PBA representative. The two entered Olivia's hospital room and found seats. Tucker produced a small digital recorder, and asked if Olivia was ready to proceed with her statement.
For the next hour, Olivia spoke about the specifics in regard to what had happened the day before, from the time she had slipped her detail until the moment the SVU squad burst in at the very end to find her still bound to the table and William Lewis dead. Once Tucker had heard the story from beginning to end, he began his questioning.
"But that's not how it happened, is it Sergeant? Clearly, the situation boiled down to a matter of you or him, and you took it upon yourself to shoot Lewis in the head – even though your knew your squad was coming to your rescue."
Before Olivia could answer, Langan stepped in, holding up a hand.
"Don't answer that. It was my understanding, Lieutenant, that this was not to be an interrogation. All that was supposed to happen here today was that my client was to give her statement on the events that had happened. She has done just that. Unless you have just cause to arrest her – which you don't, we're done here."
Scowling, Tucker had to admit that the lawyer was right. All he had so far to go on were his suspicions. None of the evidence from the scene had even come back yet. Standing, he turned to go, but not without a final statement.
"I think it goes without saying, Benson, that you aren't to leave town until the investigation is completed."
Incredulous, Langan spoke up on his clients behalf once more. He remembered now how years ago, this same man had been desperate to prove Olivia's guilt in yet another crime she had been innocent of.
"Sergeant Benson is currently in a hospital, receiving ongoing medical care. Though the details of her treatment are her own private business, I can safely say that given what she's been through, leaving town right now is the last thing on her mind."
"Just see that it stays that way, Counselor, or it will be your neck on the line as well."
Taking his recorder with him, Tucker left the room without so much as even wishing Olivia well in her recovery. Only the PBA representative lingered behind, offering Olivia her card. She told the woman in the bed to not hesitate to call if she needed any further assistance, and extended her sympathies for the ordeal she had experienced. Then, she, too, exited the hospital room, leaving Trevor and Olivia alone once more.
Though he knew his business with her was done for the day, Trevor hated to leave Olivia by herself. All he could think about was the way she had reacted when that panic attack had hit her earlier. Even though she was the most formidable woman he knew – looking at her here and now – she seemed so small and vulnerable, like the hospital bed could swallow her up whole.
"What time does your doctor come to see you, Olivia?"
"He said he'd be by after lunch."
Looking at his watch, Trevor noted that the lunch trays would be brought around any time now. That cemented his decision. Setting his briefcase back on the floor, he pulled out his phone. Dialing his office, he spoke to his secretary, and requested that the his next two meetings be rescheduled. As he hung up, he braced himself for the inevitable. Olivia's expression was already incredulous.
"Langan, what the hell are you doing?"
"Keeping you company. I know we've never had just cause to be friends, and that's not what this is. This is me, showing you my compassionate side. I can see that you're going through hell right now, and I don't want you to have to sit here alone. Please, just agree to let me stay?"
With her limited reserves already depleted after having made her statement, Olivia simply nodded. In truth, it felt good to have someone stay in the room with her – even if that someone was Trevor Langan. She was dreading Dr. Lindstrom's visit today, not because she was afraid of her psychiatrist, but because she'd have to rehash yet again the events of the day before and this morning. How many times would she be made to relive it? Wasn't it enough that every time she closed her eyes all she saw was William Lewis' face taunting her?
Relieved that she wasn't pressured to talk any further, the two just sat together in silence. Trevor opened his briefcase in search of something to read, and Olivia found solace in the sound of the crinkling of pages as he turned them. Eventually, she even closed her eyes and fell into a light sleep.
True to his word, Dr. Lindstrom arrived after lunch. That was when Trevor finally made his excuses to leave, and Olivia thanked him for staying with her as long as he had. The attorney had simply smiled and nodded, and told her to call if she needed anything.
Before Olivia and Dr. Lindstrom could even begin their conversation though, Fin flew into the room. Olivia was surprised, as she hadn't expected to see anyone else today, but welcomed any distraction that would save her from having to talk about Lewis yet again.
"Liv! Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but I simply had to see you. I've got great news!"
"What is it, Fin?"
Fin came around the bed, and swept Olivia up into his arms. Just as he had the day before, he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. Only when he released her did he continue with his explanation. By that point, Olivia was nearly beside herself with curiosity.
"The ME put a rush on Lewis' autopsy, and the findings were confirmed – his death was ruled a suicide. They found evidence of gunpowder residue on both of his hands."
Caught between a mixture of relief and doubt, Olivia exhaled her emotions on something that was between a gasp and a sob. Was it possible? Could she have been vindicated already? As quickly as they had risen though, her hopes faded. There was still the matter of the on air confession she had made in regard to having perjured herself in court. Turning her attention back to Fin, Olivia tried to listen to what else he was saying.
"Now, you don't have to talk to Tucker, Liv. There's need for him to question you."
Giving her friend a grim smile, all Olivia could do now was shrug her shoulders helplessly.
"Tucker was already here, Fin. Got here first thing this morning, right after breakfast."
"That rat bastard. Couldn't even give you a day, could he? I swear he's like a shark, starts circling as soon as he smells blood in the water."
Despite all the inner turmoil she was feeling, the analogy still brought a genuine smile to Olivia's lips.
"At least tell me you had Langan here with you."
"I did. He even stayed for awhile after Tucker had left, didn't feel comfortable leaving me alone."
Fin nodded, then checked his watch for what must have been the umpteenth time since his arrival only minutes earlier. Olivia wondered just what was going on, and called him on it.
"There's something you have to see, Liv."
Turning on the television in her room, he tuned it to a local channel. There, in the middle of the squad room, wearing his dress blues, was Lieutenant Declan Murphy addressing the media. Olivia watched as the man who she had thought would be a thorn in her side made a formal statement, announcing that it had been he who had instructed her to speak to the press the other day, in the hopes that it would bring Lewis out of hiding. That the entire press conference she had given had been an elaborate ruse.
That was it then – her final concern over this. There was nothing they could use to hold against her now. All that remained was to try and recover from the additional horrors that had been inflicted upon her person. But how would she even begin to do that? Moreover, would she still have a job waiting for her once she had? Olivia didn't even know who she even was without her badge as part of her identity.
Hugging her one final time, Fin apologized for interrupting, to which both Olivia and Dr. Lindstrom said that they didn't mind at all. He had, after all, been bringing important news. Saying his goodbyes, Fin left, but not before making Olivia promise she would call him if she needed anything.
Dr. Lindstrom gave Olivia a few minutes to digest and absorb the news she'd just heard, before moving forward with any questions. He didn't need an advanced degree in psychology to know what her first question to him would be – how this was going to affect her job. He hoped that he could convince her to take an extended leave of absence, to give her mind and body time to heal from everything that she'd been through.
"Olivia, why don't we talk about what you are feeling right now?"
"What I'm feeling? I'm feeling like someone gave me my life back! I can still continue the career that means the world to me!"
Seeing the expression on the psychiatrist's face, Olivia held up a palm, realizing immediately where his train of thought had gone.
"Granted, not immediately, Doctor. I understand that. But my life hasn't been stolen from me like I thought it had. I know I'll need to take the necessary time to heal – and I will – a few weeks at least."
Dr. Lindstrom was more concerned than ever now that his patient hadn't fully accepted the gravity of what had happened to her. She was clearly still in the denial phase, and that certainly wasn't healthy. What he was about to say next wouldn't go over well, but it needed to be said.
"Olivia, for what you've been through, a couple of weeks aren't going to be enough. I'm recommending that you take several months off – six at the minimum. Plus, I want to start you on medication."
Six months? Was he serious? Olivia was in disbelief. That was half a year! How could he expect her to take that much time off of work – how could anyone? She had a unit to run, people depended on her! She had nothing against Lieutenant Murphy, but the SVU squad was hers, Cragen had specifically entrusted it to her when he had retired. She couldn't let him down. On top of that, the last thing she wanted – or needed – was medication messing with her brain and getting her all jumbled up. She was going to have to refuse, on both counts.
"It's not open to negotiation, Olivia. I'm not going to sign your work release forms right now – and before you think of switching to another psychiatrist, there is no one else who would. You've been through two extreme traumas in a short amount of time, you need to allow yourself time to heal."
Much like when she'd been told that she'd need to stay in the hospital, Olivia resigned herself to the inevitable – for now. Still, her mind was already turning with ways to get around it. There was no way she was going to sit at home for half of a year and do absolutely nothing.
Before she realized it, Olivia was pulled out of her daze when Dr. Lindstrom was talking yet again – this time about another topic she wanted nothing to do with – medication. Figuring it would do her no good to argue, she told herself she could always go along with it for now, then stop taking it as soon as she was at home and on her own. There was no way she was going to be stuck in some perpetual fog for the rest of her life. Not that she condemned those treatments for those who really needed them, but she was fine. All she needed was a few days of rest to get back on her feet, and everything could go back to normal.
"I'm going to start you on a low dosage of citalopram – only ten milligrams – and we'll see how you do with that. If all goes well, I'd like to get you up to twenty for a daily level, but we'll take that one step at a time."
Even despite her reservations, Olivia couldn't help feeling the slightest bit curious.
"What exactly will that do?"
"Citalopram is what we call an SSRI - a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor – it works to restore the level of serotonin in your brain. Besides acting as an antidepressant, it also should help to reduce your levels of anxiety, and has also been shown to have some success in people with PTSD."
Sighing, Olivia ultimately nodded her consent. She had to admit the benefits of this medication sounded appealing. Especially if it helped with all that Dr. Lindstrom claimed it did. At least now she knew he had no plans to ply her with tranquilizers or anything of that sort that would have sedating effects on her mind and body. Though she still abhorred the idea, one pill a day would be manageable – for a short time.
After making sure Olivia didn't have anything else she needed to cover at the moment, Dr. Lindstrom said that he'd be giving her some time to rest. He promised to check in on her again later in the day though, before he left the hospital. Dr. Reynolds would be in to see her at some point that afternoon or evening, too. On his way out, he would be stopping by the nurses station to enter the order for the medication in her chart, so she could start taking the citalopram tonight.
Olivia thanked him, then watched him go. Using one of the buttons on her the hand rail of her bed, she lowered herself down somewhat, intent on trying to get a brief rest before she was interrupted again. The morning and afternoon had taken more of a toll on her than she was willing to admit, and all she wanted to do now was close her eyes for a bit. Maybe doing so now in the light of day would keep the images of William Lewis from haunting her dreams.
Two days later, Olivia was being discharged from the hospital. To her great relief, both Dr. Reynolds and Dr. Lindstrom had jointly agreed that an admission to the psychiatric ward would not be necessary. However, they wanted her to follow an intense routine in terms of outpatient care. She was to meet with Dr. Lindstrom twice a week for the next several weeks, not only to monitor how well she was adjusting to the medication, but to determine if she needed any additional therapies added to her treatment regimen.
Though she was reluctant to admit it to anyone, there was one thing that Olivia was hesitant about – being in her apartment alone. Not that apartment itself, she felt safe enough there, but the fact that she no longer had a weapon with which to protect herself. As part of the investigation, her firearm had yet again been confiscated, and she wouldn't get a new one until her return to the job. She supposed she could always purchase an off duty weapon, as many cops had them, except she had promised Dr. Lindstrom that she wouldn't make any impulsive purchases of that nature.
As Olivia entered her apartment, securely locking the door behind her, she dropped her bag down on the couch and looked around. She knew she had next to nothing in the way of groceries in her kitchen, and to be honest, she really didn't care. Now that she was no longer under the microscope that had monitored her in the hospital, she could do as she pleased.
First things first – she wanted to grab the hottest shower imaginable and scrub herself clean. Even though she'd had the opportunity to wash while inpatient, Olivia swore she could still feel Lewis' hands crawling on her skin. Not to mention, there was the persistent burning sensation on her temple where she had held the gun. She didn't know what she could do to free herself from that, though.
When she had first come home after her last ordeal, she had locked herself in the bathroom with a pair of scissors and cut away at the locks that Lewis had taken such pleasure in dragging her around by. Now, her hair was still short, so that really wasn't an option. She needed to find some sort of outlet to release the pain and torment she was feeling. Talking about it would help some, but it wouldn't solve everything. There were some things she just couldn't say. Not without earning herself a first class ticket back to the hospital.
What she wanted most right now was to lose herself in a bottle of wine, or even two. But she didn't have that luxury – at least not right not. Thanks to the damn medication that Dr. Lindstrom had her on, alcohol was not a wise choice. At least it wasn't required that she take it with food, Olivia supposed. She should be grateful for small favors.
She was about to go into her room and change when a knock at the door interrupted her current train of thought. Not expecting any visitors, Olivia was instantly on high alert. Yet again, she lamented the fact that she had no way of protecting herself against intruders. Then again, she wondered to herself, what type of intruder makes the effort to knock politely first? Going to the door, she looked through the peephole and instantly relaxed. Her heart swelled with warmth, and a tear came to her eye. Undoing the chain and the deadbolt, she swung it open to greet the man on the other side.
"Captain."
Donald Cragen, one time leader of the Special Victims Unit, stepped into the apartment and wrapped his arms around his former detective – now a Sergeant and his successor – in a gentle hug.
"Olivia, please, what have I told you? I'm not your superior officer anymore. Call me Don."
There wasn't any point in Olivia keeping any pretense. Even though Don was retired, she knew he still had his connections with the department. Plus, he had likely seen her 'confession' on the press conference, and figured out what had been going on. He had, after all, been front and center when Lewis had taken her the first time. She knew the man still carried a lot of guilt for having sent her home to her apartment for two days back then. Of all the people she had blamed – the courts for having set Lewis free, Vanessa Mayer for falling for her client's charms, but mostly Lewis himself – she had never blamed her captain or her fellow squad members. If anything, she had been relieved they hadn't fallen victim to Lewis' wrath themselves.
"I won't insult you, Olivia, by asking you how you're doing right now. In fact, you don't have to talk to me about it at all if you don't want to. That's not why I came here."
Leading Don to her living room, Olivia moved the bag that was sitting on her couch, and gestured to him to make himself comfortable. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she recalled the niceties of having manners, and she asked if he wanted something to drink. He waved her off, instead pleading with her to sit.
"Thank you, Olivia, but I don't need a drink. I'm actually here because I wanted to offer you something."
More confused than ever, but also equally curious, all Olivia could do was nod. She would listen to whatever it was he had to say. She sat there, incredulous as her former Captain explained how he and his wife, Eileen, recently acquired a small cottage in Cape May, New Jersey. The plan was for them to spend time there when they weren't traveling, somewhere outside of the chaos of the city that he had called home for so many years.
Olivia just managed to nod politely, feigning interest as best she could. She didn't understand why Don was telling her all this, unless it was his attempt at distraction.
"So what do you say, Olivia?"
What did she say to what? Had there been a question in there somewhere? Belatedly, Olivia remembered that Don had said something about wanting to offer her something. At the risk of sounding stupid, she racked her brain the best she could to replay the most recent conversation. He'd been talking about the cottage in Cape May, said that it would make the perfect retreat for her – wait a minute – had he been offering to let her stay at his home?
"Are you saying what I think you are, Don?"
"I'm saying that the cottage is yours to use, rent free, for as long as you want it. The only thing I had worries about is that the location might be too triggering for you, being so close to the beach and all."
Allowing herself a moment to break down, Olivia covered her mouth as a solitary sob escaped. This, this is exactly what she needed – to get away from the city and all the memories it held – even if only for a little while. Manhattan would always be her home, but for now, it wasn't where she was happy. Plus, Dr. Lindstrom had told her she needed to take time off. That would be easier to do if she were somewhere else. Telling her former Captain she needed some time to think it over, Olivia stood. Cragen stood too, taking his cue to leave. He told her to take as long as she needed, for the offer didn't have an expiration date, and that she could call him whenever. Embracing her one final time, he saw himself out.
Exactly two weeks later, Olivia was almost ready to be on her way. A few days after Cragen had visited, she had called him on the phone, letting him know that she would accept his generous offer.
In addition to phoning Cragen, she'd also worked out an arrangement with Dr. Lindstrom, so that she would still be able to check in twice weekly, just as planned. The only difference was her sessions would be done over video call instead of in person. Her prescription was going to be transferred to the local pharmacy up in Cape May, so she could continue taking her medication, too. Finally, she had spoken to her landlord, put her mail on hold, and set up all her other bills to be automatically paid while she was gone. If it came down to it, she was only going to be a little over two hours away, so she could easily make a trip to the city to take care of some business if absolutely necessary.
By some small miracle, she had managed to decide which of her belongings to bring with her. Currently, she was trying to figure out how to get her small trunk and two suitcases down to her new compact SUV. On a bit of an impulse buy, she'd traded in her car last week for a sportier four wheel drive model. If she ended up staying in Cape May the full six months of her extended sabbatical, then that would put her there in the winter, and she wanted to have something more reliable to depend on.
As Olivia continued to go over her conundrum in her mind, a knock at the door interrupted her thoughts. She headed over to answer it, more curious than anxious as to who it could be. The fear still got the best of her at times. She hoped to find a sense of security once she was settled in Cragen's cottage. Opening her door, she found the entire squad standing there – Nick, Fin, and Amanda. Olivia quickly got out of the way to welcome them inside. After each taking a turn to hug her, Fin was the first to speak.
"We hoped we wouldn't be too late, Liv. We know you were wanting to get on the road today."
"That's right, but what are you all doing here? Don't you have to be at work?"
He gave her a look that clearly read 'are you kidding me?'.
"Do you honestly expect us to let you go away for any extended length of time without saying goodbye? Plus, Nick and I are here to help you carry your things down."
"Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that -"
Olivia began to protest, but before she could get very far, Nick interrupted.
"You're not asking, we're offering. There's a difference. Besides, I know you've been up here thinking about just how to do that very thing for the last fifteen minutes."
Laughing despite herself, Olivia had to agree.
"All right, you both win. I accept your help."
Nick swept in and hoisted up her trunk, while Fin lifted a suitcase in each hand. Amanda wrapped an arm around Olivia's shoulders, reminding her that she had a copy of the key, and would be by to check on the apartment weekly. Knowing there was nothing else left to do, Olivia slipped on her jacket, grabbed her purse, and followed them out the door, locking up on her way.
Down in the parking garage, Nick and Fin stowed the bags and trunk in the back of Olivia's SUV. Then the small group stood by while she said her individual goodbyes. Olivia tried to keep her emotions at bay, but no matter how hard she tried, a few tears still escaped. A few minutes later, she was behind the wheel and on her way, watching her friends wave in the rear view mirror.
She drove through the city mostly on autopilot, not really finding her sense of freedom until she crossed the border into New Jersey and hit the Garden State Parkway. Once she was on the open road, Olivia turned up the radio and let the miles sail by trying to imagine that she was leaving the past behind as well. Yes, she would be going home someday, but it would be as the broken person she knew now.
A little over two and a half hours later, Olivia was arriving in the picturesque town of Cape May. Before heading directly to the cottage, she stopped first at a local grocery store to stock up on some basic necessities. Cragen had told her that the house and kitchen were fully equipped, so the only thing she would need to bring was her clothes, toiletries, and personal items – plus food, of course. It was nice knowing that she wouldn't have to worry about things such as sheets or towels, or even cookware, plates, and appliances. It saved her so much hassle.
After spending about twenty minutes at the store, Olivia left with three full bags, plus the store's number should she ever need to place an order. The cashier had also been kind enough to give her a small directory of local shops and restaurants, something that would come in handy during the coming months.
Entering the street address for the cottage into the GPS, she followed the step by step instructions on getting there. As it turned out, it seemed the place was only a short distance from the store. She had spied the Cape May lighthouse when in the grocer's parking lot and had hoped she would get a view from where she would be staying. Turns out, it would be less than a block away.
In the opposite direction, on the horizon, the Atlantic Ocean could be seen. Olivia remembered then that Cragen had said the cottage was about a block away from the beach. It wasn't a public beach, so she wouldn't have to worry about it being flooded with tourists looking to swim, but it would give her a place to walk along the shoreline on days or nights when she needed to get lost in her thoughts.
The GPS pinged softly, signaling that she had arrived at her destination. Olivia turned into a driveway, marveling at the two story cottage before her. If she remembered correctly from what Don had told her, it had three bedrooms, plus two and a half baths. Not that she needed that much space, but she supposed that sometimes he and Eileen might like to entertain guests.
As she was getting out of the car, Olivia noticed over the fence a man was tossing a Frisbee around with two teenage boys she figured to be his sons. He saw and her, smiled, and waved. Returning the gesture, she waved back, then headed for the cottage door to unlock it, planning to come back for the items in the SUV once she'd checked things out inside.
The place was even more beautiful than Don had described. The exterior of the cottage was Victorian in design, even if some of the newer features – such as the kitchen – were modern in nature. Taking a quick walk through tour, Olivia went from room to room, marveling at all she saw.
The first level consisted mainly of an open floor plan, with a living room, dining room and kitchen. A set of stairs split the living room from the kitchen, and underneath the stairway were two doors. Opening each, she found a powder room behind one, and a small washer and dryer combo behind the other.
Climbing the steps to the second floor, Olivia noticed that it divided purposely into two directions – to the left were two bedrooms, with a bathroom in between, and to the right was what she guessed to be the master bedroom, likely with its own private bath. Heading toward the main bedroom, she was again astounded by the elegance she found beyond the doorway.
A king size bed was the main focal point of the room, complete with a padded headboard. It faced a chest of drawers that held a television, which Olivia took comfort in. Sometimes, she still needed background noise to fall asleep to, and knowing she'd be able to have that here meant the world to her. Taking a few steps further, she decided to inspect the bathroom. There, she found something that she didn't realize actually existed anymore.
In one corner of the bath was an over sized, antique claw foot tub. It had even been modified slightly to double as a shower, complete with a curtain to draw around it. On the window ledge behind it, a bank of candles sat waiting to be lit and enhance the bath time experience.
Before she could get lost in her new world any more, Olivia hurried back down to her vehicle to bring in her things. To her surprise, the neighbor who had been out in his yard was standing by his fence waiting to greet her.
"Hello. Sorry if I startled you, but I wanted to come over and introduce myself. Don had mentioned that a friend of his would be staying here for awhile."
Feeling more at ease, Olivia smiled and held out her hand.
"Yes, I'm a friend of Don's. We used to work together. I'm Olivia Benson."
"I'm Owen Winter. My wife is out shopping at the moment, you'll have to meet her later, her name is Stacy. These two are my boys, Jacob and Jonathan."
Olivia shook hands with the teenagers as well, and soon learned that Jacob was fifteen, while his brother Jonathan had just turned thirteen.
Then, Owen was asking her another question.
"Do you need any help with your things? I'm sure you must have a lot to unpack."
Her first instinct was to say no, but after a second thought, she gave in and accepted the help. There was no way she wanted to struggle with the trunk and two suitcases. She would, however, insist on carrying in her own groceries.
Thanks to help from Owen Winters and his boys, Olivia not only had her heavy things in the house, but they were upstairs as well. The only thing she regretted was she had no way to properly thank them for their kindness - she had no cold drinks to offer, and she didn't want to insult them by suggesting money. Instead, she accepted an offer from Owen instead – that she come over to for a cookout one night after she had gotten settled in. The only thing Olivia had insisted upon was that she get to bring something to contribute to the meal.
Deciding to put off unpacking until tomorrow, all she did for now was put away the groceries, then dug through her suitcase for something comfortable to change into. Parking herself on the couch in the living room, Olivia put up her feet and tried to make herself at home. It all felt very surreal, still – that this was in fact, going to be her home for the foreseeable future. Still, she'd barely been out of the city for twenty four hours and she already felt like she could breathe better.
A chime on her phone caught her attention, and Olivia picked it up, curious. She almost wasn't going to bring it downstairs with her, but old habits would always die hard. It turned out that it was an incoming text message from Don Cragen. Figuring that her former captain merely wanted to see if she had arrived safely, she read it quickly.
Olivia – I hope this message finds you safe and settled at the cottage. I'm sorry to spring this on you so suddenly, but I had forgotten that I was having a family friend stop by tonight to check on the rain gutters. It won't take too long, so its nothing you have to worry about. You'll likely recognize them, if not by name, then at least their face.
Her heart rate quickened for a few beats before she convinced herself to calm down. After all this was the whole point of Cragen notifying her beforehand. Plus, from the sounds of things, whomever was coming was someone she had met in the past. Most likely at her boss's retirement party or something like it. Pushing the thought out of her mind for the time being, Olivia focused on relaxing.
Some time later a knock at the door startled her awake. She wasn't even sure when she had fallen asleep, all she knew was it was the first dreamless sleep she'd had in a very long time. Rubbing her eyes, Olivia stood and stretched, then padded toward the door. Ever cautious, she kept one hand on the knob as she called out to the person on the other side.
"Who is it?"
"It's me, Liv. Cragen sent me."
It couldn't be. That was a voice she hadn't heard in almost four years, but still, she'd know it anywhere. Wrenching the door open - and almost tearing her arm out of her socket along with it – Olivia found herself standing face to face with Elliot Stabler. He'd changed over the years, his face looked more worn than before and he was now sporting a mustache and goatee. Plus his physique was leaner and more sinewy, as though he'd been to hell and back, but somehow managed to keep all of his muscles. She studied his form intently for several minutes before finally landing on his eyes – they were still the same calm, steady blue that she remembered, and that was where she found her solace.
In that moment Olivia forgot about everything. All the years of worry for him, the anger, the resentment. Even the bitterness evaporated away. All that mattered was that the man she needed most was standing right here in front of her. There would be time later to yell, to fight, to rant and rave. Right now there were only five words she wanted to say. Throwing her arms around his neck with a sob, she let them fall from her lips.
"I'm really glad you're back."
His answering embrace was the only comfort she needed, as was his reply. He'd said it to her only once before, at another time she'd been distraught. Feeling his lips graze her temple, the voice she had longed so many months for was finally in her ear.
"I should have come back sooner."
A/N # 2: When I first started posting on this website, I made a promise to myself that I would only ever have one active story going at any given time. I've since made a liar of myself, with my more recent Alternate Realities one shot series, and now with this new WIP that I have started. I must confess though that this story is a bit more emotional for me to write than anything I have ever tackled previously. Because of this, I'm not going to be able to maintain my typical self-imposed deadline of updating every 5 days. Fear not, I don't intend to abandon this for weeks at a time, but I also will not be able to keep up the same schedule as I have with my other stories. But as you can tell from this first installment, the chapters will be extensive in length, and I hope you will enjoy reading them.