Sirius and Snape were staring at the keys for quite a while. They were at the exact same spots, sitting at an isolated table in the Leaky Cauldron and they had barely even moved.

"There you are!" A woman's voice brought them back to reality. Tonks was rushing towards them. She was furious.

"Hey Tonks! What's up?" said Sirius with a smile.

"What do you want, Miss Tonks? You are interrupting a very important mission!" said Snape, grumpy as always.

"What?" she yelled. "Are you serious?"

"I'm Sirius!" laughed Sirius.

"For Merlin's sake, Black! Your puns are worse than… than…" Snape couldn't find a word suitable for the size of his depreciation.

"What did you do to that poor painter?! You terrorized the people! They called the aurors and reported that two madmen were fighting. Thankfully I realized by the description that they were talking about you, and I came here first."

"As I said, Miss Tonks, you are interrupting a very important mission. What we did was necessary to progress the mission." Said Snape.

"I don't think either of you will be able to progress the mission if you find yourselves in Azkaban! The painter you abused was the third-cousin of the nephew of the groomsman of the sister of the wife of the minister! Fudge is enraged! And he's on the way! He said he'd take care of the matter personally."

"A thousand curses! It seems we have a complication." Said Snape.

"I didn't know Fudge had relatives in France." Said Sirius.

"Seriously now?" Said Snape and Tonks simultaneously and glared at him.

"Alright, alright, let's blow this joint." Said Sirius and got up.

At that moment, Cornelius Fudge entered the Leaky Cauldron. "You!" He said and stared daggers at Sirius. He then turned to Snape. "I never expected this from you, Snape. You are a big disappointment to me! And if you treated a wandering painter like that, I dread to think how you treat your students. I might have to make sure you leave Hogwarts. As for you Black," he turned to Sirius again, "I regret the moment I granted you innocence! You are clearly a dangerous madman, and you shouldn't be allowed to wander freely among us! Not even Dumbledore will be able to save you this time!"

Sirius flexed his fists and barely managed to stop himself from beating the hell out of the minister. Snape stood up and looked at the minister with a look that betrayed the fact that he hated him even more than he hated Sirius. His hand moved towards the pocket that contained his wand, but he managed to restrain himself, and finally he crossed his arms across his chest.

"Whatever happened was necessary for the progression of an important and secret mission of the Order of the Phoenix. Because the Dark Lord is back, as you know, minister." Snape finally said in a cold, low and venomous voice.

The minister's cheek twitched in anger. He did not expect Snape to fire back like he did. "That's it! You've crossed the line! You are clearly a very immature and childish individual, unfit to be a teacher of any kind!"

Snape froze in place. The possibility of getting fired seemed very real now. And though he wanted to hurt Fudge, physically, mentally, spiritually and in many other ways, he decided that diplomacy was the smartest route.

"Look who's talking about immaturity!" Laughed out Sirius before Snape could speak up, as the thought of diplomacy never crossed his mind. "The guy who was in complete denial for a whole year about Voldemort's return!"

Everyone froze as they heard that name.

Fudge turned pale. "You… you dare speak that name?"

"Yeah, I'm not scared to say Voldemort!" Sirius said that last word a bit louder this time, enjoying the horror on Fudge's face.

"Stop it!" Screeched Fudge. "Are you a total imbecile!? I never expected such irresponsible behavior. As for your mission, I highly doubt that you're being truthful. How could such immature people carry out any type of mission?"

"Evidently, Dumbledore thought differently." Said Snape. "And comparing his reaction to yours, in relation to the return of the Dark Lord, I tend to trust Dumbledore's judgment."

"You think I don't understand your subtle insults, Snape? You are just as stupid and immature as Black!"

"WHAT?!" Said Snape and Sirius in unison. Clearly, getting told that they are alike was the worst possible insult for both of them.

"I've wasted enough of my time!" Continued Fudge. "Miss Tonks, arrest them!"

"You can't do that!" Said Black and charged at Fudge.

Snape managed to grab him and hold him back a moment before Black was able to hammer the minister.

"On what charges?" Said Snape.

"Grievous physical and mental harm to a wandering painter! Public indecency! Fighting! Terrorizing the people! Assaulting a public servant! And reckless driving!"

"That last one is on Black!" Said Snape.

"Shut up Snivelus!" Sirius smacked Snape on the head.

"I'm sorry guys, come on, let's go." Said Tonks as she approached them while Fudge approached the bar and order a butterbeer as he wiped his sweaty forehead.

"Seriously now, Tonks? You're going to arrest us?" Shouted Sirius.

"Of course not." Whispered the girl. "I'll just take you outside and then say that you managed to escape."

The two men followed Tonks outside of the Leaky Cauldron.

"Fudge is such a dick!" Said Sirius as soon as they were outside.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with you." Said Snape.

"I truly hope Dumbledore manages to get you out of this you guys." Said Tonks. "Uh so… Since we're all here… how are things, everything's good? Is everyone okay?"

Snape and Sirius looked at her, puzzled and not knowing where she was going with this.

"Um… is Remus okay?" Continued Tonks. "How's he getting on at Hogwarts?"

"You know it's not the first time he's teaching, right?" Said Sirius.

"Oh yes of course, you know, I'm just asking." Said Tonks.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" Said Snape as he understood why Tonks was asking.

"You fancy my best friend?" Sirius wasn't as subtle. For some reason that seemed particularly funny to him, and he started laughing.

"What? No! Shut up! I just… like him… in a friendly way!"

"Does he know?" Sirius asked her after he stopped laughing.

"Oh no, I haven't told hi- I mean, there's nothing to know!" Said Tonks as she turned red.

"Why don't you make a move?"

"Come on Black! We're in the middle of a mission. Now's not the time to play cupid with your cousin and your best friend!" Snape interrupted them.

"Oh yes, the mission. We are to make Fudge eat shit." Responded Sirius.

"I mean the mission Dumbledore gave us, Black." Snape scolded him. "We must continue right away! After we make Fudge eat shit, tell me what's on your mind."

"I don't know yet, but I'm a marauder, I'll think of something."

"Guys, please. I don't want to have to arrest you for a second time today!" Said Tonks.

"Come on now Tonks, cover us and I'll tell Remus-"

"Don't you dare!" She shouted.

"Don't worry, I'll be subtle." Said Sirius.

"Sure, you will be." Snape patronized him.

At that point Harry, Ron and Hermione appeared in the alley. Ron and Hermione froze as they saw Snape again. Harry didn't give two shits.

"Hey you're still here?" He said to his godfather.

"Just like you are." Responded Snape, the threat being made obvious by his tone.

Sirius' face lighted up with an unholy smile. "Hey Harry, tell me you've got the invisibility cloak with you."

"Yes, always." Replied Harry.

"That's my boy!" Said Sirius. "May I borrow it?"

"Of course. What do you want it for?" Said Harry as he gave him the cloak.

"To take care of something… for the mission." Replied Black mysteriously, winking.

Snape glanced at Harry and then at Black. Hatred was no longer visible on his face. And if someone was very perceptive, they might have noticed him almost smiling.

"Come on Snivelus." Said Sirius, smiling, before covering himself and Snape with the invisibility cloak. For the first time, he used Snape's nickname in a friendly manner.

The two men vanished from everyone's sight. Then, the door to the Leaky Cauldron opened, seemingly on its own. Before it closed Harry swore he heard Snape's cold voice whispering: 10 points to Gryffindor.

Things at the Leaky Cauldron had returned to normal. Music was quietly playing, the regulars were chilling at their tables, absorbed in their discussions, and Fudge was drinking his butterbeer while complaining to some guy about how difficult it is to be minister of magic. Sirius and Snape silently approached.

"What are we going to do, Black?" Whispered Snape.

"You'll see." Said Sirius as he lowered his zipper.

In that moment, Fudge was finishing his butterbeer. "Another one!" He said and laid his glass down by his side.

Sirius laid his ding-dong on top of the glass, carefully, so that the invisibility cloak was still covering it. Biting his lips to prevent himself from laughing, he begun pissing and filling up the minister's glass, in front of Snape's surprised eyes.

The minister looked equally surprised as he saw his glass filling up on its own. "Oh, you've got a new system in place." He told the barman.

"I guess so." Said the barman, just as surprised.

"Nice, nice, good job."

Sirius milked it for all it was worth. The minister's glass was half-full now.

"Hey, it stopped." Complained Fudge. "Bartender!"

"Your turn, Snivelus." Whispered Sirius as he zipped up his pants.

"Turn around." Responded Snape. "I can't do it when I'm being stared at."

Sirius turned around and immediately heard the minister's voice call out: "Oh never mind, it's filling up again."

"Tiny-dick." Whispered Sirius and felt something wet his legs.

"Oopsie-daisies I spilled my beverage." Whispered Snape.

Black did not respond.

"Thank you very much." Said the minister once his glass was completely full.

Sirius and Snape ran outside, making sure that the invisibility cloak kept them covered.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Tonks were waiting for them outside.

Sirius broke out in laughter as soon as they took off the cloak while Snape was struggling to hide his smile.

"Oh Merlin, what did you do?" Asked Tonks.

The minister's cry was so loud that it reverberated in the entire street outside the pub.

"He had it coming Tonks." Said Sirius, who was still laughing to tears.

"I truly cannot believe myself, but it's the second time today that I agree with Black. I hope it doesn't become a habit." Said Snape.

"Thank you, Harry." Said Sirius as he gave the invisibility cloak back to his godson. "Well, back to business." He said as he turned towards Snape. "The keys!"

"The keys!" Responded Snape.

"Yes. Give me the keys." Said Sirius.

"You have the keys!" Responded Snape.

"No, you have them!"

"No, you- For Merlin's sake, you lost them, Black!"

"What? No, you lost them!"

Tonks and the kids discreetly moved away as they smelled trouble.

"I can't believe you Black!" Shouted Snape. "You had one job to do!"

"For Merlin's sake Snivelus! Take responsibility!"

"I find it somewhat ironic that the most irresponsible man in the world talks to me about responsibility! You lost the keys!"

"You were holding them last! I remember it very clearly!"

"Then it seems you also don't have very good memory, Black!"

"Oh yeah? Well, let's ask Tonks then! Hey, when you entered the pub which one of us-" Sirius left his phrase hanging when he realized that there was no one there to listen to them. "Fuck…" he muttered.

"Well let's cool it down." Said Snape. "No one left this pub after us, the keys must still be at our table."

"Awesome." Responded Sirius. "Except that Fudge is still in there and we don't have the invisibility cloak anymore."

"Were you getting skull-fucked in Azkaban? Think! We're wizards." And before Sirius could even react, Snape had already drawn his wand. "Accio key-ring!"

Sirius really wanted to kick Snape in the ballsack in that moment, but then the door to the pub opened and a key-ring came out flying towards them.

Snape smiled smugly and was ready to say something, but the smile froze on his lips when he saw that the minister was following the keys.

"You!" Screamed the minister as he saw them while grabbing the keys in the air.

"Did Voldemort skull-fuck you when you were a death eater, Snivelus? Did you not think that a flying key-ring might attract the minister's attention?" Sirius patronized Snape.

"Seriously now, Black? Does this seem to be a good time to joke around?" Replied Snape.

"I don't know if you noticed, but I am here too!" Screamed the minister once more. His face had turned completely red. "Why didn't Tonks arrest you? I will relieve her of her duties! She cooperates with criminals!"

"Oh, she did arrest us!" Said Sirius. "But we escaped!"

"Do you expect me to believe that?" Responded Fudge.

"With all due respect, minister, he escaped from Azkaban, tricking some young girl was a piece of cake." Said Snape.

The minister gritted his teeth. "And why didn't she report in as soon as she lost you?"

"Because she hasn't realized yet." Responded Sirius.

"How is such a thing possible? Do you think me an imbecile, Black?"

"Firstly, I am not about to reveal my escape artist techniques and secondly, yes."

"What he's trying to say," Snape jumped in, "is that we haven't explained the seriousness of this situation to you yet, which we should have done from the start. So please come with us, have a cigarette-"

"And a butterbeer too!" Sirius interrupted.

"And a butterbeer," Snape agreed, "and we will explain to you what this is all about."

"Even though I highly doubt that you have anything important to tell me, I'd really like a nice butterbeer right now. The last one tasted like piss."

They led the minister to a suspicious and deserted alleyway.

Snape carefully took out the joint he snatched from Dumbledore's office. "Here you go Mr. Minister."

"What is this? Hashish?"

"You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?" Said Sirius.

"It's a cigarette, minister. It's just Greek. It's from Kalamata. The Greeks know a thing or two about good tobacco." Said Snape. "Especially in Kalamata."

"Oh yeah. This one's the real good stuff." Interjected Sirius.

"It's a very rare and expensive type." Snape continued. "I offer it to you as a gesture of friendship. And I want you to know that I gave my monthly payment for this one cigarette."

The minister seemed convinced. Snape placed the 'cigarette' in Fudge's mouth and lit it up.

"Deep breath now, minister. Breath in through the mouth and out through the nose." Said Snape.

"Know a lot about how to smoke one of these, Snivelus?" Asked Black, his voice full of irony.

Snape responded with a murderous look, but didn't say anything.

A couple of drags later and the minister already seemed dizzy. "Uh, guys, I don't feel so well…" Said Fudge.

"Why's that Mr. Minister? Are you perhaps sick?" Asked Sirius.

"Come on, inhale, inhale." Encouraged Snape.

"But I think that… this tobacco ain't my thing after all." Said Fudge.

"Nonsense." Said Sirius. "It will do you good, it's medical!"

"Okay, if you insist… I don't know why but I suddenly feel like I can trust you." Said the minister.

Sirius and Snape looked at each other for a moment and then simultaneously said: "Really good stuff."

Five minutes later, the minister was putting out his 'cigarette' and was already stoned as fuck.

"Oh guys…" Said the minister and hugged Sirius and Snape. "I don't really want to arrest you. And neither will I relieve Tonks of her duties. I mean, she's a great auror. And damn she's hot!"

"What?!" Shouted Sirius. "She's my little niece! She's a kazillion years younger than you, old fart!"

"Black!" Yelled Snape. "Our friend Cornelius over here seems to be ready to confess something to us. Let him speak."

"Oh, dat ass…" Continued Fudge.

"One more word about my niece and I'll kill him." Said Sirius.

"Oh, I wish I could have life changing sex with Tonks!"

"That's it, I'm going back to Azkaban!" Sirius shouted and then charged at the minister.

Snape rushed in between them and caught Sirius, before he could hammer the minister. That meant that no one was holding Fudge, leading to him dropping down in a puddle of piss at the side of the street.

"Do you understand nothing, Black? He's going to spill it all to us and then we'll have him under our thumbs!" Whispered Snape.

"Oh, but alas!" Said the minister while playing with the piss. "I only ever get to fuck Umbridge, with her saggy tits! And after her unspeakable experience with the forty centaurs in the forbidden forest, she finds me small and unsatisfying!"

"Hold on a minute. If she liked it then why is she threatening to sue for rape?" Asked Snape.

"Ah you know Dolores… she's trying to rip everyone off." Replied Fudge.

"What a bitch." Said Sirius.

"Oh, you have no idea…" continued Fudge, "You never saw our sex tapes…"

"What sex tapes?" Said Snape and Sirius in unison.

"Well, that's my little secret." Laughed Fudge. "Pornography is my hobby. We've done some crazy things. Dirty things. If you know what I mean."

"Yes, we know." Said Sirius and Snape.

"Well Black," Said Fudge and tried to hug Sirius.

"Hey, don't touch me. You're… dirty. And that's not a pun! You smell like piss." Said Sirius and took a step back.

"Yes, dirty… that's the point Black. We all have a… dirty side. And I can't help but noticing your indescribable sexual magnetism."

"What the fuck?!" Screamed Sirius.

"Yes, fuck. That's exactly why I want you. Let's make a movie together, Black! You will bring sexy back. And we can have girls too if you want!"

Sirius responded with a kick in the balls of the minister.

"Black! We've got him where we want him! Don't hit him!" Said Snape.

"Sorry Snivelus but I couldn't restrain myself any further." Responded Sirius.

Fudge was on his knees, clutching his balls. "Does that mean no, or yes, under the condition that it will be hardcore BDSM?"

"No! Don't hit him again, please!" Said Snape.

"He's asking for it, it's not my fault!" Replied Sirius.

"It's okay if you're shy, never mind. Everyone's nervous when they film their first porn flick. I remember I was so stressed I forgot to use Reparo on my condom."

"Can I hit him now?" Asked Sirius.

"How about that werewolf friend of yours? Maybe he'll be into making a little movie with me! Werewolf pornography sounds delicious!" Said Fudge.

Sirius tried to kick him again, but Snape stopped him.

"Hold on Black, hold on, I have a better idea!" Whispered Snape and then turned to Fudge: "Our dear Mr. Minister, where are these tapes?"

"Oh that, Snape, I cannot reveal." Responded Fudge.

"Shame we don't have any more weed." Said Snape.

That's when Sirius took out the stash he was hiding in the inner pocket of his jacket. "Dear Mr. Minister, would you like another cigarette?" He said and started rolling a beast of a joint.

Half an hour later the minister was totally wasted, nearly comatose in the alleyway, and Sirius and Snape had the keys they needed as well as the information about what was hidden away in a certain room at the ministry of magic, in the mystery section.

"Wait a minute", said Sirius to Snape, who was getting ready to leave. "I have an idea."

"What are you going to do?" asked Snape.

Sirius grabbed the unconscious body of the minister and took of his shoes. Then he unbuckled the minister's belt.

"I'm going to leave him half-naked!" Said Sirius laughing and started wrenching Fudge's trousers.

"What?!" Snape screamed enraged and took out his wand. "So, you think it's funny to take off people's underwear in public! You, filthy animal!"

Sirius looked at him puzzled. "What's your problem? You hate Fudge too, don't you?"

"What's my problem?" Snape was shaking from anger. "So, you're pretending you don't know!" Snape's head had turned red, like it was ready to explode.

"Oh, Merlin, Snivelus, you're having a stroke!" Sirius approached Snape, worried.

"Do not approach me, you, horrible wanker!" Screamed Snape, almost in a panic.

"What the fuck, what's wrong?" Asked Sirius.

"Because of you I have PTSD, you, inhumane asshole, horrible beast, anthropomorphic pig!"

"What?!"

"Do not pretend you don't remember! Back then, when we were fifteen…"

And then Sirius remembered. It was back when James had asked him if he wanted to take off Snape's pants. And he had said yes.

"Well… I was fifteen years old!" Sirius tried to excuse himself.

"You're the same exact asshole right now too!" Screamed Snape.

"No, why do you say that?" Asked Sirius.

Snape, shaking from rage, pointed towards one passed out Fudge, whose pants were already around his knees.

"Oh… well what can I say? He had it coming." Said Sirius.

Snape raised his wand and aimed it at Sirius. "That's it, Black! You are dewahF g ehusadhf febnj wahu oi sef" Snape was unable to finish his sentence. His head turned bloody crimson and he started letting out inarticulate screams.

"Fuck, he's dying!" Screamed Sirius.

Snape fell down and started thrashing about.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Shouted Sirius and ran towards him. "Come on Snivelus, you've got to snap out of it! Try to breathe! Come on, deep breaths, deep breaths!"

Snape begun making sounds as if he were suffering from aspiration pneumonia.

"Holy fuck!" Screamed Sirius. He then lifted Snape's upper body up and began putting pressure on his stomach as if Snape had choked on an olive seed.

Snape did not seem to get any better.

"Breathe Snivelus, breathe! Because if you don't, I'll be forced to give you the kiss of life, and neither of us wants that to happen!"

Snape's eyes opened wide. "N-no, no!" He managed to utter. He then took a few breaths.

Sirius let him go and sat on the pavement.

"I. Hate. You." Murmured Snape, who was still not one-hundred percent.

"Okay, look. I'm sorry I told James to take off your pants in front of the entire school. Okay?"

Snape glanced at him, very angry. After managing to recover from the shock he said: "What are we going to do with him?" He pointed at Fudge.

"Well, I was thinking of stripping him naked and then calling the Quibbler and the Daily Prophet to make him the front page. But since I see that that upsets you…"

Snape looked at Fudge, then at Sirius. "I will wait for you at the Leaky Cauldron. I give you half an hour to do your thing." He said and left without waiting for a response.

Half an hour later Snape was eating a chebureki at the Leaky Cauldron when Sirius entered, smiling all satisfied like.

"Mischief managed!" Said Sirius and sat at Snape's table. "Hey what's that you're eating? Is it good?"

"It's called a chebureki, Black. It's a very good ethnic Tatar dish of Crimea. The filling is made with meat, onions and-"

"Sounds pretty good, I'll have one." Interrupted Black.

Suddenly, a lanky, bearded man entered the pub. "Hey guys, did you hear? They found the minister of magic passed out, stoned and naked at an alleyway a couple of blocks from here. Reporters have swarmed the place! It's shaping up to be a massive scandal!" Said the man, to the surprised whispers and awe-filled gasps of the clientele.