115: A Gentleman
Stede Bonnet
"And so, I return!" I cry, thrusting out my chest. "I suppose you thought you were rid of me, Mr. Teach!"
"...Who?" Blackbeard asks, and all of my enthusiasm vanishes into nothingness.
I hate this guy so much.
"What do you mean, who!? It's me! Bonnet! Stede Bonnet! We captained a ship together! Your most famous ship is named after mine!" I shout.
"Tch, I'm not old enough to fall for 'it's me, it's me' scams! I may have a beard, but I'm still a little kid on the inside! You can't fool me!" The absolute jerk shouts, pointing at me.
"It's me! The gentleman pirate! Don't you remember my on-ship library!?" I moan.
"Uh, no? We're pirates. The only things we read are doujins, and those weren't around before the modern era, idiot," He says.
"You were there for my entire dramatic reading of the Iliad!"
"Not ringing a bell. Look, Steve, have you got any actually useful abilities?"
"Stede! It's Stede, with a 'd'!" I say. "And no! I have my ship, but I can't even summon it by myself because you made me look like such a fool in my legend! It's your fault, so take responsibility, Mr. Teach-!"
As I shout, his fist suddenly connects with my face, knocking me to the deck.
"Like hell I'll let a middle aged man tell me to take responsibility!" Blackbeard shouts, kicking me over and over. "Go get sent to another world as a little girl or make a suspicious contract that turns you into a magical girl and come back! Preferably with a blush on your cheeks!"
What.
"What the hell is that!? Wasn't your type supposed to be mature, confident women! No, beyond that, isn't that sort of scenario totally perverse!? Even if my body turned female, I'd still have the mind of a man! Wait, if I squint, actually it kind of resembles the 'childhood friend you thought was a boy grew up into a beautiful girl' genre, but reversed… no! It's still weird! And that aside, your taste still sucks anyway, since what's best is a woman who seems mean at first but as she opens her heart is in fact the caring motherly type who smothers you with love, in other words, the exact opposite of my ex-wife!?" I shout.
"...It's too bad. I think, in another life, we could have been friends," says Blackbeard, driving the last nail into the top of the barrel he stuffed me into while I was shouting.
"Liar! It always turns out like this! Every, single, tiiiiiiime-!" I scream as he lobs me off the Queen Anne's Revenge and I plunge into the ocean below.
"...After waiting a bit in the barrel to drift away from Mr. Teach's ship, I turned to spiritual form and escaped, flying towards the nearest island. From there, I was sure everything would work out. Somehow or another, I would be able to find some other Servant to join forces with and do… whatever I got summoned here for. No matter who I meet, I could somehow make friends with them. That's seriously what I thought…" I breathe in, catching just a little bit of the smoke from the fire below me. "So why did it have to turn out like this!?"
The Wereleopard holding the handle of the spit I'm tied to snarls at me. He doesn't stop turning it, though. The other lycanthropes clustered around the fire continue to look on, salivating.
"I don't want to get eateeeeen!" I moan.
However, there's nothing I can do. The Servant Stede Bonnet is a pathetic weakling who can't achieve a single thing on his own. His only strength is his charisma, and with me failing to even worm my way onto the crew of someone who knew me in life, even that one strength is looking to be a delusion of mine. I will be cooked alive by demi-humans who don't even understand that I'll disappear when I die, and that will be that. I never found out why I was summoned here, but in the end, it has to have been a fluke. Because, when you really think about it, there's not a single person in existence who would seek out a failure like me as their partner.
And yet-
"-Thank goodness, I made it in time."
In spite of all my self recriminations, he appears there. A Servant in a poorly maintained butler's uniform, carrying a pail of water in one hand. He has eyes like a drowned man, staring through the tribe of lycanthropes, straight into my own. With a practiced, polite smile, he continues in utter disregard of the demihumans turning towards him. "Sorry, Stede. I'd hoped to get here sooner, but it couldn't be helped - I'll save you now. Unsealing the Furnace. Attain a drop of truth."
Werewolves and Wereleopards alike snarl at him, raising clubs and spiked maces, but-
"[Incineration Ritual: Zepar]."
The fight is already over. All of the monsters that I was certain spelled my doom are consumed from the earth in a blinding flash of light. With practiced ease, my savior trods through the ashes and unceremoniously extinguishes the fire beneath me. Dropping his pail and drawing a knife, he sets to work on the rope binding me.
"Th…thank you~!" I shout through tears pouring down my face. "I was… so sure… I was going to die-!"
My heartfelt thanks don't even cause the slightest change in his facial expression, but after I manage to stifle my tears, he speaks again. "Servant, Alter Ego. My True Name is Natsuki Subaru. I'll be in your care."
…Never heard of him.
As I drop from the roasting spit, I brush the charcoal off of my coat and find my feet once more. "-Well! You find yourself in good company, Mister Natsuki! For you have daringly rescued-!"
"-Stede Bonnet, the Librarian Pirate," He says, a small smirk on his face.
"D-did Blackbeard send you!?" I blurt - but no, Blackbeard didn't recognize me! So how-!?
"-Anyway, as far as anyone else should know for now, I'm a Caster. So just call me Caster of the Stars when enemies are around," He says.
"...Wait, if you're going to use an alias, then why tell me-?"
"Because I trust you," He says, and I blink in shock. "Out of everyone in this singularity, you're the only one who would never betray me under any circumstances. Right, partner?"
I grab his outstretched hand with tears in my eyes. "...Yeah."
"I thought you said you trusted meeee!" I moan.
"I do, Stede. You're the best shot I've got at this. So… good luck, and don't get turned into a pig," says Mister Natsuki as he drives the last nail into the barrel he stuffed me into.
As he tosses me off the edge of my own ship, I can't help but scream. "Why does it always end up like thiiiiis!?"
"...I didn't really expect Subaru-sama to go through with it," Medea comments a few moments after Bonnet plunges over the side of the ship, as the two withdraw once more to the captain's cabin.
He turns towards her, his face finally going slack as he abandons his false smile. "Have I disappointed you?"
"No," The witch shakes her head, drawing closer to Natsuki Subaru. "If it's Subaru-sama, I'm sure he was telling the truth."
"I only swore never to deceive you. I can lie all I want to Stede," He says, but she only laughs in response.
"I'm not talking about your geas," Medea says. "...Although, I am wondering, what are you hoping to achieve by sending a man like him into Auntie's clutches?"
"It's not that complicated. Circe is the type who loves to spoil men, after all, to the point of turning them into pigs."
"Hm… I suppose Stede would be the sort to be happy about that treatment, but Auntie's type is strong, cool men…"
"If it's a question of winning people over, I'd never bet against Stede. He's already got you calling him by his first name, after all," The Alter Ego says, and Medea blinks with slight shock. "He's completely unreliable in just about everything else, of course. If you get him started, he'll rant for hours about what his nagging ex-wife put him through, but I'm sure the root cause of that was her growing frustration at his total inadequacy in all practical day to day affairs."
"Even when it comes to the books he's so proud of, he's basically just picked out the stuff that was most popular and famous in his era. It's amazing one guy could get that shallow." The Alter Ego sighs, turning to one of the bookshelves. After a moment, he picks out a thick volume, paging through it to roughly the two-thirds mark. With a faint smile, he takes a seat. "...But, if it's just interpersonal relationships, that guy is…"
"That's pretty cold, Edd." Reid Astrea notes as the barrel containing Stede Bonnet drifts further and further from the [Queen Anne's Revenge]. "He was telling the truth, you."
"I know that," says Blackbeard, gritting his teeth, his knuckles white on the railing. "...I had to get rid of him, though. That's what I decided back then, and it's what I have to do now. He'll get us all killed doing something stupid if he sticks around."
"Get you, killed, maybe," The Sword Saint of another world laughs. "Ain't never lost, on my end."
"...What, you've never done something stupid to help someone you care about? Taken a fight you shouldn't have to make them happy?" The pirate says, his eyes still trained on the retreating barrel.
"Wouldn't do something like that for a man, you," Reid replies, rolling his eyes.
"That's exactly what I thought, when I took him on," the Rider mutters. "I'll just take advantage of this idiot, exploit his crew, and that's that. But the next thing I knew, even my own men were ready to die for him. I was ready to die for him. I was only able to work myself up to ditching him after he was already away for a few weeks."
"What's he, some sort of Flugel type?" Reid mutters.
"Anyway, we've got no chance of picking up chicks with him around!" Blackbeard finally shouts with a shake of his head. "Because that guy's…"
"I should have known this would happen… this kind of thing always happens to me," Stede Bonnet mopes his way along the sunny beach. "Still, to keep that rain at bay… Miss Circe must really be a powerful witch."
-At that moment, a whirlwind erupts in front of him, kicking up sand and knocking the pirate off his feet. Pink and purple lightning arcs off, striking random portions of the beach and melting the sand to glass. As glowing eyes appear in the midst of the storm, a booming female voice rings out. "So! You knew this island was mine, and you were still brave enough to intrude! Should I take this as a challenge!?"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry Miss Circe! I just got thrown off my own ship and I've got no way to escape!
I really didn't mean to intrude, so please forgive me-!"
"-Oh, so you're a castaway, then. That's a different matter." In an instant, all the terrifying force of the storm disappears, and standing in its place is a pink-haired girl with long pointed ears and large bird wings stretching off her back. Her figure, accentuated by her light tunic and short skirt, is nonetheless on the smaller side, and her high-raised platform shoes do reveal an awareness of this. Elevating her chin slightly in a conscious decision to look down her nose at Stede, the witch continues, "I may be a witch, but I'm not so cruel as to turn away someone with nowhere else to go."
There's a brief moment of silence as the self-proclaimed Gentleman Pirate stares at her, wide-eyed.
"Heh. Were you stunned by my beauty, then?" Circe preens, her wings stretching out slightly wider. "I don't dislike being admired."
-Or so she says, but at this point she's already decided to turn him into a pig. But that decision, as quickly as it's made, can be reversed just as quickly. Especially if-
"Ah, that was improper of me," Stede catches his own error immediately. "I lost myself admiring the sunset in your eyes."
It's nowhere near to sunset, but nonetheless, he's telling the truth - Circe's eyes are two colors, the top portion pink and the lower bluish green, like a sunset over the ocean. And so, for the first time losing confidence, she breaks eye contact, a dusting of pink on her cheeks. "I- I see…"
"Ah, I should introduce myself - Stede Bonnet, the Gentleman Pirate, at your service, Miss Circe." Shifting to a kneeling position, he takes one of her hands in his, placing a chivalrous kiss on her knuckles.
"...I don't hate pirates, but they're just about the opposite of gentlemen," she says dubiously, but he merely smirks in response.
"If a chivalrous thief can exist, why not a gentleman pirate?" He asks, standing. "But it's enough for me to hear that you don't hate pirates on principle. I wouldn't want to make an enemy of a beautiful woman like you."
He offers his arm to the witch and after a moment's hesitation, she takes it, walking arm-in-arm with him back to her hut, deeper in the island. Naturally, she already has fresh food ready, of both enchanted and unenchanted variety - but as he gracefully accepts the meal that he surely knows could be cursed without any hesitation, she has to admit it.
"This guy, might actually be…
…A perfect gentleman."
"I don't know if that gives him such an advantage over Auntie, though," says Medea.
"I've already given him an advantage - he has absolutely no hope other than relying on her, and she'll realize that," Natsuki Subaru replies. "That's enough to at least get her to treat him with hospitality, and from there his natural talent for human interaction can take over. Circe gets attached to people easily; her preferred type aside, as long as he can survive her care for… two days or so, she'll probably latch onto him."
Of course, with this much knowledge of her personality, Natsuki Subaru could have won her over himself - but the balancing act of keeping the flighty witch happy was exhausting. Plus, for some reason or another him taking the primary diplomatic role with Circe kept leading to Medea losing it, so the Alter Ego decided to change tactics.
"What about [Return From Death]? Couldn't you have used that?" Medea asks.
"Of course not. You were already upset enough about Alcides. Putting your teacher through that would have been needlessly cruel to you," He says.
"You didn't even test it, though. Was turning Heracles really that bad? It's dangerous to move without considering all our options," Echidna's voice rings out in his head - but he ignores it.
"-In any case, if all I have to do is play cupid for two slightly shallow friends of ours, I don't mind," Subaru says.
"It's dangerous, Subaru-sama," Medea says, looking away. "A witch cannot fall in love. When we do… it always ends in tragedy."
"...That's how all love ends," He says. "No matter how happy it is, for how long… one always leaves the other behind. But while I'm here, I won't let anything too bad happen to them. It'll be a short-lived fling that disappears like seafoam, but…"
"...Maybe there's meaning in that, too," she says, hesitantly.
"...Who knows. The other guy would probably say so, but I don't know whether I believe that anymore," Alter Ego admits.
"Let me know once you've decided," she says, almost playfully. Light arms wrap around his neck from behind, and the Witch of Colchis presses her lips close to his ear. "We have two days, after all."
Class: Rider
Alternate Classes: None
True Name: Stede Bonnet
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Armaments: Sword, Pistol (Untrained in either)
Manifestation Cost: Low
Bio:
The self-proclaimed Gentleman Pirate. More of a punchline than a proper Heroic Spirit, in any location outside of American coastal waters (and also the Okeanos Singularity), he only manifests as a Phantom Spirit.
Notable mostly as a man of high status who threw it all away on a harebrained wish of piracy to get away from a nagging wife, his accomplishments mostly amount to playing second fiddle to Blackbeard during their partnership. After a brief technical return to the right side of the law as a Privateer, he separated from Blackbeard briefly to secure papers establishing their pardon for past crimes - but on his return, he found his partner had abandoned him and marooned his crew. After a short, unsuccessful career on his own, he was captured and hanged.
As far as Servants go, Stede Bonnet is close to the top of the list for 'people no one would ever want to summon'. Even a loose cannon villain or anti-hero could be forced to cooperate with Command Spells; Bonnet will not be useful even with all the command spells in the world. His only value is a boat he cannot summon without an allied Heroic Spirit, and his capacity for diplomacy. In all other regards, he is useless.
Parameters
Strength: E
Endurance: E
Agility: E
Mana: E
Luck: E
NP: D-
Class Skills:
Riding: E
Personal Skills:
Voyager of the Storm: -
The skill that provides the ability to sail a ship… is not actually present in Stede's Spirit Origin. In other words, this skill has only been listed to point out that he does not, in fact, possess it.
Gentleman Pirate (Bonnet): A
Not to be confused with Bartholomew Roberts' (much more useful) skill of the same name.
The unique charm of Stede Bonnet cannot be understated. His ability in combat is atrocious. His capacity for command is nonexistent. Even so, people will gladly join his cause and follow him.
Grants the effects of the Charisma skill, doubled against those of Chaotic alignment, and doubled again for those specifically recognized as 'Pirates'.
Noble Phantasms:
Noble Ship of my Dreams: Revenge
Rank: D-
Type: Anti-Army
Range: 1~20
Maximum number of targets: 30 people
Bonnet's ship, the [Revenge], is considerably less famous than Blackbeard's [Queen Anne's Revenge], though the latter is named after the former. A ship with forty cannons, manned by Bonnet's subordinates - they have no sense of self, though Bonnet can remember their names.
However, this Noble Phantasm can only be activated when Bonnet has an allied Servant to serve as his co-captain. Upon its invocation, both captains are granted the [Voyager of the Storm] skill, with its rank depending on the quality of the co-captain. For reference, Natsuki Subaru produces a D-rank skill, while Blackbeard would produce one at A+ rank.
By the way, unlike some other Pirates' ships, the [Revenge] cannot fly, no matter how much mana Bonnet pours into it.
Omake:
What starts out as uneasiness builds to an impossible mountain of dread, over the course of the dragon carriage ride. A thousand what-ifs whirl around in my head, and what little conversation I'm able to make with the driver does nothing to stem the rising fear. The scenery rushing by, all of the familiar landmarks of the Mathers territory - only drive home the reality of this upcoming moment of truth.
Everything should be fixed, now. Williams did her part well enough, and Chaldea was able to pick up the slack. But even so, I can't help but worry. We only resolved Pandora's intervention - I never learned what became of the others' fights at the watchtower. Emilia, Julius, Ram - could one of them have lost? I have no idea. And as for Beatrice…
As we finally reach Roswaal's manor, the vertigo reaches its peak, and I brace myself against the carriage rail as I find my unsteady footing on the ground outside.
I take one hesitant step forward - and then the mansion's doors are flung open.
"Subaru!" The love of my life shouts, and through the tears already welling up in my eyes, I see Emilia running towards me. "Subaru, Subaru, Subaru! You're back! You're really back-!"
I want to put on a heroic grin, but it's all I can do to stop myself from bawling as relief crashes over me. "Y..yeah. I'm back."
And then, everything goes wrong.
"Hm? Hmmmm? That's not right," A familiar voice says from behind me, and irritation swallows every other feeling.
Of course she's here. I thought I had left her on Earth, but then she turned up to harass me in the capital. I thought I was just barely able to avoid her getting on the dragon carriage, that maybe I'd bought myself a day or two of release, but here she fucking is.
Francesca Prelati reaches over my shoulders and stretches my cheeks into a smile. "Smile, Subaru. It's your big reunion, right?"
Naturally, I punch her.
Tumbling off the Precipice in this Journey Through Time: Hatred IF
Unreachable City of Triumph: Paris
Just ignore her.
It's so easy to say, and I agreed with it at the time. But looking at her now, it's not so easy.
I hate Prelati. I truly despise her, from the very core of my being. Her personality would be enough on its own, but the litany of crimes in her past… and of course what she did in those twenty loops I forgot…
She deserves to die. Even if she is faking a surrender, I'm sure the others will understand. They have to.
I should ignore her. That would be the right path for a hero. But… I'm not perfect. I'm just a little too flawed, a little too petty.
"Stop the carriage," I say with grim resolve.
"Senpai, are you sure…?" Mash asks. "Weren't you saying that we ought to ignore her?"
"...Sorry. I'm going back on that call. This could be a real chance to resolve things. I have to at least try," I mutter.
"Be careful, Subaru. You can't trust her," says Jeanne.
"I know that… if she tries anything funny, you guys can just kill her," I say.
And so, against everyone's better judgment, we stop to hear what Francesca Prelati has to say.
I step out of the carriage, Jeanne by my side (as our resident Prelati expert), and I shudder as her disgusting voice finds my ears.
"I give up! It's your win, Subaru!~" She says with a trembling voice, crocodile tears streaming down her face. "You can go ahead and demand anything that you want, just please forgive me!"
"Forgive you? You've got to be fucking kidding. Do you really think you have any way to appease me?" I groan, rolling my eyes. "Well, if you hand over the grail right now, I might… no, actually I definitely won't spare you. Fuck it, let's just kill her."
"That's fine," Prelati says, all tears suddenly gone. "But hey, don't you want to do it yourself?"
"...What?" I ask, as Jeanne grips her flag uneasily beside me.
The Alchemist smiles, reaching up and pulling a small sheathed dagger from between her cleavage - actually, she's pretty small so do the logistics of that even - no, shut up, don't acknowledge her body! She's wearing lingerie for a reason, if you acknowledge it you lose!
"I mean it. You can go ahead and kill me, if you want. You know I can reincarnate, right?" Prelati giggles. "It's only fair if you murder me a few times, after all-"
"Shut up," I cut her off from blabbing about forbidden things.
"Hm? Is that no good?" She tilts her head. "I mean it, though. You can do whatever you want to me now. I had my fun, I'm ready to kiss and make up." The girl winks.
"Would you quit it with the damn flirting!?" I shout. "And while you're at it, go back to being a man, this is just awkward!"
"Awww, that's no fun… I picked this form out for your benefit, you know?" Prelati pouts.
"In what world!?" All you're doing is making me uncomfortable.
"I mean… like I said, you get to take your revenge on me now.~" She springs towards me, and Jeanne begins to blur into motion, only to hesitate, because this isn't an attack. Francesca smiles with poisonous sweetness as she presses the handle of her dagger into the hands I raised to defend myself, and presses her throat to the bare blade.
"Come on. Go ahead." She whispers, and I grit my teeth, trying to pull away.
"That's enough," Jeanne says, moving to pull her off of me-
"I have hostages," Prelati says, and the Ruler freezes again. "Berserk Archer was able to save and secret away a few hundred children in Orleans. If anyone other than Subaru kills me, I'll hand them over to Gilles when I reincarnate."
"You…!" I hiss.
"That's it. That's the right face, Subaru. Now, how about you listen to me? I want to make amends. We can work together, save all of the children, get the grail, and you can even kill me - wouldn't that be great?" Liar. There's no way it's a plan that one-sided in my favor. There's a catch. There has to be- "Is that not good enough for you? That's fine. You can go even harder on me, if you want." She leans even closer to me, the dagger drawing a small rivulet of blood from her neck, and whispers, "There's plenty of things a man can do to a woman to punish her, you know?~"
"Like hell I would!" I shout, and Prelati laughs, letting go of my hands as she hops back.
"I'm serious. This body's got fully functional organs - I can show them to you!" She pulls her shirt up, and I instinctively start to turn away, but she stops before revealing anything indecent. Actually, no, the zipper-like series of monstrous teeth running horizontally across her stomach is hardly decent. "Do you want to see them? My organs? I got them nice and presentable, just for you, Subaru~!"
"You're so damn gross!" I regret talking to her. Professor Velvet was right. Just what the hell did I think was going to happen?
"Ahahaha! So mean!~" She laughs- and then she springs towards me. That's enough, and Jeanne moves to intervene - but at that point a ring of sea fiends erupts from the ground around her and I, holding the Ruler back for just a moment.
I stagger back, but manage not to fall over as her arms wrap around my neck, and her legs wrap around my waist. Prelati's lightless eyes come nearer and nearer to my own, and I feel as if I'm about to fall into the swirling blackness of them. For one terrible moment, her sweet-scented breath brushes against my lips-
And then, just before her lips can meet mine, I plunge the knife into Prelati's chest.
"Ah…" She mumbles as she falls slack to the ground in front of me. "I… lov.."
Francesca Prelati dies with a contented smile - and I'm left standing here, the blood on my hands slowly growing cool.
I blink once, and then twice, as my heart continues to pound in my ears and blood continues to pool, mixing with the dust of the road into thick brown mud.
She doesn't disappear. I don't know why, but for some reason I was expecting her to - despite the obvious reality that Francesca Prelati is, was, a living human.
I feel strange. None of this should be new to me - I killed Betelgeuse, after all. And though I don't remember it, my hands are the ones that choked Meili Portroute to death, in one of the loops at the tower. When it comes to corpses, I've seen enough of them to get used to it. There was even the more or less accidental death of Louis Arneb.
And yet, this isn't how I've felt before when it comes to killing my enemies.
I shouldn't feel guilty for this. Prelati deserved it. So it's fine.
It's fine that I don't feel even the slightest degree of guilt for this.
As Paris looms in the distance, I barely manage to restrain a groan. Because, waving excitedly in the middle of the road, is Francesca Prelati. Again.
"...Can we just run her over?" I ask.
Marie laughs half-heartedly. "Normally I'd say no, but-"
"Heeey! I got the grail for you like you asked!~" Prelati yells, and sure enough a sparkling crystal appears in her hand.
"…You've got to be fucking kidding me," I mutter.
Just like that!? She actually did it!?
No, calm down. Calm down. Just take the win! Even if there's no catharsis, even if you haven't grown in the slightest, you can still accept an easy victory, right, Natsuki Subaru?
But as we pull to a stop, the sense of dissatisfaction builds and builds. I'm missing something. One last punchline.
It's as I exit the carriage and see the sadistic smile on her face that Ifinally get it. "Those hostages of yours. What happened to them?"
She said if I killed her, she wouldn't hand them over to Gilles de Rais.
"Hm? I killed them, obviously." I can see her lip twitching, the wicked laughter about to bubble out of her throat-
"[Minya]!" I fire almost by reflex as sheer hatred courses through me, and a purple crystal drives itself into her throat, and begins to spread along her body.
No voice can exit her throat- which is why it's that disgusting mouth I saw on her stomach that speaks.
"Ha..ha…haHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!"
Francesca Prelati dies in howling laughter as purple crystals consume her body.
"And to drive it home the grail vanishes as well" - is not what happens. The grail, all too real, floats gently to the ground as Francesca's body crumbles away.
An improbable easy victory with no climax, that I did nothing to earn - if it was going to be like this, give me back my twenty four loops, dammit-!
"-Rayshifting complete. Welcome back, everyone," Doctor Romani says.
I'm still grinding my teeth in annoyance as I exit the coffin. "Ugh, I still can't believe that's the ending we got." We didn't even meet any of the Paris defenders!
"Now now, Subaru! Just be glad everything turned out well!" Marie says with a beaming smile as she exits another.
By the way, we only had the ability to safely bring back one Servant, so we wound up leaving the weakened Jeanne and the secretly possessed Mozart behind.
"Oops, I guess I should be calling you Master now, right?" She continues, winking and causing my heart to skip a beat.
"N-no, you can just call me whatever you prefer!" I stammer.
"Oh!" Gareth shouts as she exits her coffin. "Does that offer apply to me too?"
"Oh, sure. I mean, the whole 'Master' thing is a bit weird to me. I get it's an Earth magi thing, but spirits in the other world were always a bit more…" I trail off. "Well, Beako was always calling me 'Betty's Subaru', for example."
"Hm? Do you want me to call you mine, then?" Marie asks with a giggle.
Ah.
"Th-that might be a bit much…" I mumble.
As I head back to my room, my mood slowly starts to improve. We won. The fact remains, we won. In fact, we didn't even have to sacrifice anyone! Kongming? More like Fraudming! Half of his scheme was totally pointless!
"Yeah. In the end, I can accept-" I say as I open my door.
"Welcome back, Subaru!" Says Francesca Prelati, dressed in a maid outfit. "Would you like Dinner? A Bath? Or-?"
Naturally, I slam the door and start running.
"Maaaaaash!" I scream in terror.
"You signed a freaking Geas with that!? Are you insane!?" I shout, my fist slamming down on the director's desk.
"This was my call to make, Natsuki." Olga Marie responds. "Prelati has been a valuable member of Chaldea so far, and there are multiple systems that we really stand no chance of repairing without her assistance."
There's no way we can trust her, no matter how useful she is!" I protest. "I get that she might just reincarnate, but can't we, I don't know, rayshift her into the sun or something?"
"What do you think rayshifting is…?" The director mutters, pinching her brow.
"You're so cold, Subaru~," Prelati moans. "Even after I went to all the trouble of storing my memories in the grail so my present self could remember all of our interactions!"
"Okay, there was a living Prelati in the modern day - I get that - but how the hell did the you from the singularity predict that you'd be here to receive those memories?" I groan.
"Hm? Hmmmm? I don't get why that would be a mystery, Subaru," Prelati says, leaping onto the table and taking half-dancing steps from one side to the other between various paperwork as Olga glares at her. "I mean, doesn't Chaldea just seem like a ton of fun? I'd have to be involved, unless something completely amazing was happening somewhere else."
"You damn lunatic," I mumble.
"Ahaha!" She laughs, tumbling forward into a handstand so her eyes can meet mine again. "What's that, are you - you, of all people - worrying about me taking risky actions?"
"Like hell," I groan , falling back into my chair and leaning back. I close my eyes and massage my brow, trying to quell my rising headache. "I don't even slightly care, so go get lost outside or something, Prelati."
Something settles on my lap, and I open my eyes to see her black orbs peering back at me. "Hey, Subaru, that's mean. You know, right? I'm the only one who can understand you, really. Won't you call me by my first name already?"
"I won't."
She grins and darts forward, but I manage to block her kiss with my hand.
"I don't know what clauses you've got in that Geas contract, but couldn't you have included something to stop the sexual harassment?" I complain.
"Hmmm? The [Star Sword] doesn't seem that upset," Prelati says, squirming on my lap, and that's the final straw.
"Okay, get the hell off!" I shout, pushing her - and as she tumbles backwards, her head strikes the edge of the Director's desk with a nasty crack and she goes limp.
…
Olga Marie speaks after a moment as we both stare at the limp form lying on her carpet. "Is she… dead?"
"Th-there's no way. A magus should be able to survive at least this much," I mutter, and yet. "...There's no pulse."
The Director groans. "I bet that bitch did this on purpose. I'm going to need a new carpet."
"I… didn't- "I feel sick. Why does manslaughter make me feel so much more disgusting than when I actually killed her on purpose? "I didn't mean to-"
"...You're a bit too kind, Natsuki. Don't bother feeling bad about her, she'll show up again later," Olga Marie says.
She's right, of course. When I finally make my way back to my room, what awaits me is-
"Welcome back, Subaru! Would you like dinner? Or a bath? Or-"
"I want you to leave!" I shout.
Presnt Day
Eventually, the knock comes on my door. I've been expecting it for a while, to be honest. A dozen scripts to try to rationalize my actions have been written up in my head - what I should have said earlier, what I should say tomorrow when I tell everyone the promised story of what exactly happened to me while I was missing, and what I should say when someone inevitably comes to talk to me alone.
"...Who is it?" I ask. That's the most important question. I'm not really in the mood to talk to Roswaal right now, and it goes without saying that I can't let Garfiel, Emilia, or Petra see me in this state.
"I'm coming in, Barusu," Ram says, opening the door without hesitation.
"Oi! Do you want to see me naked or something, you pervert!?" I blurt, hastily rolling down my sleeves.
"Hah? Barusu has truly grown quite the spine in the time he's been gone, to dare to accuse others of perversity," The Oni retorts with a wicked grin - but that falters and falls off her face a moment later.
"Ah, about what happened earlier…" I start to say.
"That's not the issue, idiotic Barusu," She shakes her head, and steps towards me, grabbing my wrist and rolling up my sleeve. I grit my teeth as the fresh wounds are revealed. "...Good grief. Did you do this to yourself?"
"...Sorry. I won't do it again," I mumble, and this time I mean it. A small chuckle exits my mouth. "It was an old habit, but… I guess I don't get any catharsis from this anymore."
"Old habit… hmph, was Beatrice-sama helping you cover it up?" She says with a scowl, and I feel a fresh pang of longing. "For someone with four hundred years of life, that girl addresses her problems the same way as you other idiotic children."
She grabs my hand, and begins tugging me out of my room.
"Nee-sama? Just where-?" I protest slightly.
"To Garf, obviously. He'll patch your wounds up, and while that's happening we can address the most pressing problem directly," She says, and I freeze.
"I…" I had thought up a script. But none of it is coming to mind right now.
Ram turns and looks back at me, her pink eyes boring into my own.
"Barusu, make no mistake. I don't intend to judge you. There's no one in this mansion who would turn against you for attacking someone you saw as an enemy," she says. "Please do not think so little of us. We already heard from the carriage driver, how that woman was not with you when you left the capital. Considering her appearance and manner of dress, at the very least she was a sinister individual."
There's some relief in me, upon hearing her words. She's right. My friends and allies here will take my explanation hook, line, and sinker. They'll accept it, and try their best to hide their secret doubts about my character, until they've all but forgotten.
But I know the truth.
"Ram," I say. "What happened out there… was exactly what it looked like."
That is to say, on the front lawn of the Mathers manor, because of a minor annoyance, before I even walked through the front doors- I beat Francesca Prelati to death, with a grin on my face.
Four Day Maelstrom: Okeanos
Dazzling blue ocean and bright skies, as far as the eye can see. Here and there, I can see islands dotting the horizon, and in one spot I can see a towering cyclone of water, lit from behind by that same ominous ring of light we saw in France.
"So this is Okeanos, huh?" I ask. "I guess it matches the name…"
"Hmmm… I guess we'd better start preparing for desert island survival, since we didn't bring a boat," says Francesca Prelati.
"Thanks for not immediately jumping to repopulation jokes, but remind me why we decided to let you come!?" I shout.
"As of now, I'm an auxiliary Master!" She says, winking and sticking out her tongue as she strikes a pose. "My previous body didn't have rayshift compatibility, but since I was swapping anyway, I went ahead and included it in this one."
"Is it really that easy!?"
"Nope, it was pretty hard. Between that and giving myself a functional reproductive system, I had to give up on about two thirds of my usual Magic Circuit count," She sighs.
"Um, was the second part really necessary?" Mash asks, blushing slightly.
"Obviously."
"Obviously not."
I glare at her grinning face for a moment, before-
"Please just bear with it for now, Natsuki," Director Olga Marie says with a sigh as my wrist communicator springs to life. "Obviously, you'll still be performing all of our summonings - we don't need any extra Prelatis running around."
"But wouldn't it be fun?~" Prelati asks, and I refuse to dignify it with a response.
"For now," The Director says, totally ignoring her, "let's try testing out the Shadow Servant system."
"Geez, you seriously got it working that fast, huh?" I mutter. "Wasn't it supposed to be super complicated? It's only been a month…" Not to mention, Prelati also had time to make me a replacement dreamcatcher. I won't thank her for replacing something Francois stole in the first place, though.
"I'm a hard worker, you know? Olga said she wouldn't let me come along if I didn't finish fixing it, so I put all of my time that I wasn't flirting with you into it," She answers.
"Spawning extra enemies during training isn't flirting, it's harassment," I deadpan.
"It was funny!"
"Prelati-san, shouting 'oh no, we've got wyverns' wasn't even funny the first time, let alone the five times after that," Mash says.
"No, see, the repetition makes it funnier. It's like Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no-shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopi-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke."
"Did you really have to say the entire name Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no-shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopi-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke?" I ask.
"Senpai, please don't encourage her…" Mash says.
"By the way, Barucchi," Nagiko says, sometime into yet another day of rowing. "Where did you find Prelaprela, anyway? She wasn't at the Chaldea I got summoned from."
-That's right. The Archer I summoned in this singularity, Sei Shonagon, was somehow pulled from an alternate version of Chaldea. Because things weren't already confusing enough with an alternate version of me running around.
(There's a sound of thunder in the distance.)
"Hm? That's pretty easy to answer. I was there, I was just hiding in the background," Francesca answers. "It's not like I would have been killed permanently by Lev's bombs - or by-"
Whatever she was going to say is cut off as everything between her neck and waist vanishes into a fine red mist. Her head seems to hang there in the air for just a moment.
"-Ah?" I only get the chance to let out a small sound of disbelief.
The Argo pitches to the side, and then-
I blink, standing once again on the shore of a familiar island.
I should despair. I should be angry.
"-Pft."
Instead, I let out a small snort at the idiotic expression on Prelati's face just now.
I roll my eyes as I walk up the hill to the Witch's tea table. "Here we go again."
"How many times does this make it?" Asks Alter Ego with that gross smile of his.
"As if I'd tell you," I say with a small laugh. "-That said, Witch, can you go ahead and create another chair? I've brought a plus one."
"Oh?" Echidna smiles. "I wonder just who-"
"There's no need, Subaru," Prelati says as she appears in the dream, a scowl on her face. "I won't be accepting any favors from this damn whore."
…Huh?
"Eh? W-what's with that hostility!?" Echidna asks.
"To be honest, it was kind of an intriguing offer, breaking someone who doesn't understand the human heart - but sorry, the reality was completely repulsive. I'm not interested in the Witch of Greed at all, Subaru," She says, and turns to the side, pretending to vomit.
"That girl's a bit of a weird one, huh? Where'd you pick her up?" Alter Ego says with a raised eyebrow.
"She followed me home," I say. "To be clear, I don't mean like an animal, I mean like a deranged stalker."
"Yandere stories are totally 'in' right now, you know?" Prelati says, springing towards me.
"I don't appreciate them so pick a different genre!" I shout, holding her forehead back with one hand.
"Then I guess this story is something like 'a duel between two battle couples'?" Echidna suggests with a wink.
"Gross. Don't you dare put yourself on my level, you damn worm." Prelati sneers.
"Goodness, are you jealous or something?" The witch asks.
"Of course not. Because, you're already getting sick of him, aren't you?"
…
Alter Ego blinks, turning towards his companion. "Echidna…?"
"Ah… well, love always fades, after all. I've been trying to spice things up a bit, but not even getting him to hit me really got things moving again." The Witch sighs. "But I'm trying. I'm really trying my best, you know? After hundreds of years of subjective time things can get a little dull, but I'm sure he'll do something interesting enough soon. And if not, I guess I can try leaving him for a bit and see what happens. I really did love him at one point, you know, but even Return by Death has its limits. To be clear, I'm not talking about how we died and ended up here, nor am I talking about the obvious weaknesses like the lack of control over the reset point or the difficulty in explaining circumstances to one's allies or the limited perspective offered by just Subaru's actions. Rather, the problem is that I can only create so many possibilities to observe-"
A fist connects with her face.
"Shut up already, you shallow bitch," Prelati says, kicking the fallen Echidna's face over and over. "I never lost my love for Jeanne or Gilles in six hundred years. You're so fucking gross. How could you treat Subaru like that? I won't forgive you. I won't forgive you. You're like those goddamn fairies, flitting from one sadistic whim to another. Hey, what's wrong with you? Just where the hell is your follow-through? Don't you get that if you're going to torture someone, you need to do it right? How dare you leave him in a state where people might not even realize what happened. Don't you understand that a ruin needs to be magnificent!?"
Through her rant, Alter Ego stays silent. In fact, I don't think he's blinked since Echidna started talking.
Finally with a deep breath, Prelati turns towards him. "Ah… Just leave it to me, okay? I'll… ah, what was the line again? From her half-assed tragedy… I'll definitely save you! Or something like that, hahaha!"
City of Demonic Fog From Hell: London
"Oh come on! Are you freaking serious right now!?" I shout as yet another surprise boss appears to block our ascent up the crazy electric stairs floating over London. "Who the hell is it this time!?"
"I've got it!" Flat-senpai says. "My detective skills are telling me, this must be… Jack the Ripper!"
"Flat-san, that joke wasn't even funny the first time, so please stop," Says Mash.
"But don't you think repeating a joke makes it more funny? Like the boy who cried wolf bit from Fist of Fun," Says Flat.
"Ah, Flat, you messed it up, you were supposed to reference Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no-shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopi-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke," Says Francesca.
"Haven't we done Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no-shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopi-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke enough by now!?" I say.
"Yeah, but, for me, it's the audacity of doing the same joke every single time and not even having the cleverness to mix it up that makes it funny," She replies. "Like Jugemu-"
"Enough." Says the mysterious black-armored figure - in a very familiar voice.
"Speaking of doing the same thing over and over, it's Arthur again!?" I shout.
"-[Rhongo-]!" She shouts.
"Speaking of doing the same thing over and over-!" I repeat the same joke. Wow, it really is funnier.
"[Clarent-!]" Mordred shouts.
"-myniad]!"
"-Blood Arthur]!"
Two titanic waves of energy crash into each other in the sky above London. The shockwave is intense enough that only Mash's quick reaction time stops Francesca and I from getting sent flying off the stairs and into the roiling mass of curses below.
"-Father! Are you seriously opposing me here!? Are you saying you won't accept me… even now!?" Mordred screams. "Even as your city is being devoured - you'd rather fight me than allow me to save it!?"
"Well, considering everything-" Francesca starts to say, and finally my simmering anger boils over.
She's been turning the screws all this time, after all. The moment we ran into Mordred, she was back at it just like Francois had been in the first loop of France. I had thought it was just because he had ammunition, at that point… but to be honest, I wonder if Prelati has some kind of grudge against Mordred. She did mention being tangentially related to the round table in the past, after all.
But all that is to say, I've already been pushed to my limit when it comes to dealing with her bullshit this time around. That's why I laughed when Mephistopheles blew her to pieces a few days ago. And that's why-
As my vision goes red, I shove Francesca Prelati off of the stairs and she plunges, laughing, to the ground far below.
It couldn't be called self defense, or accidental death. This time was purely a crime of passion.
Murder.
That said, after everything was over, what waited for me at Chaldea was-
"Welcome back, Subaru! Would you like Dinner? A Bath? Or-"
"Get out!"
████████ Takes Manhattan: ██AMERICA
The gunshot rings out, and Francesca's head jerks back. She falls, lifeless, to the ground.
Seriously? To a joke enemy? Or maybe she let it hit her because it was a joke enemy?
I can't help it. I burst out laughing, and don't stop until a second gunshot silences me.
As the old man flickers into view, Francesca is suddenly standing behind me instead of in front-
"[No Second Strike]," He intones, and my body explodes like a ripe tomato. I hope at least a little bit of my blood got in her eyes.
"[Curruid Coinchenn]." Cuzilla says in that same monotone voice as dashes forward, spears erupting from his fists.
"Oh crap, are those all [Gae Bolg]!?" I shout. While hiding behind Francesca.
I'm still hiding behind her when the fight ends - not that it does me any good when the spears erupt from her corpse and skewer me.
██████ █████ █████: Z██████
"-[Nega Summon]."
"Are you still moping, Subaru?" An annoying voice cuts through my haze of regret and self-recrimination.
"Shut up," I mutter, curling up tighter in my bed.
"Really, is that any way for you to treat me?" She asks. "You were thiiiis close to being lost in Void Space, you know? If I wasn't clinging to you the whole ride back, you would have disappeared."
"...So what?" I say. "Then I could have gone back. Then, I could have-!"
"Pffft, seriously? You really think that Return by Death would work in Void Space? Are you stupid?" She laughs.
I pin her down, my hands wrapped around her neck. "If you can save me, then save everyone else! Save Marie! Save Elizabeth!" My voice breaks. "...Save Mash, dammit."
Her smile widens as tears roll down my face. Mirth and lust dance in her eyes as I tighten my grip around her throat. As her breathing grows more and more strained and her struggling body grows weaker and weaker-
In one final burst of movement, her arms shoot upwards and pull my face down towards hers.
My first kiss in the world of my birth tastes like poison.
Present Day
Ram stares at me in shocked silence.
"-Wow, Ram, what are you going to do now that Subaru's a murderer?" Asks Francesca, appearing from the shadows behind her.
"-Wha!?" Nee-sama lets out a shriek. "You!? What!? But you're-!?"
"Pft…." I snort.
"Pft…" Francesca stifles a giggle.
"BwahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" We laugh like maniacs, pointing at the speechless maid.
"W-wow, Subaru, what the heck was that? 'It was exactly what it looked like' - were you seriously gonna take responsibility for killing me? After all this time?" Francesca keeps laughing.
"Well, if I didn't take it seriously the punchline was going to be you not coming back, right?" I say, rolling my eyes."
"Ahahaha! You're completely right!" She skips ahead of me, before turning around with a serious look on her face. "By the way, at that time, when you killed me earlier today… I was pregnant."
I blink, and do a little mental math. "Liar. They hanged you back in Salem, remember?"
"Ah, you've been keeping track!~ You're so sweet," She slips back to her usual manic grin. "So, how about tonight? It's been-"
"Ah before that… Beatrice isn't here. Seems like she was probably somewhere on Earth and we missed her," I say.
"Hm? Well, yeah. She's probably our friendly mid-rayshift interloper! We never solved that since I kept distracting you from it. Actually, I poked around with Tri-Hermes during our Atlas visit - she even managed to pick up Mash when everything went to hell back in our first confrontation with big G," She says as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
I take a deep breath in. Not to calm down. But just to savor the rage for a moment.
As I tear off her face with [Invisible Providence], heedless of Ram's horrified gaze, a familiar cry escapes my lips.
"PRELATIIII!"