Hecksing Ultimate Chronicles

Chapter 11: The Ultimate Weapon

Beginning AN:

Yeah I'm seriously thinking of just rewriting everything except maybe Season 1. But still publishing stuff in this order to... roughly fit with the publishes of the original version. This and Chapter 10 being the exceptions, as I changed both Seasons 3 and 4 to both be three chapters and I changed the publish dates to sort of "fit with" that.

Oh shit I forgot about recaps(A).

Um.

Season 3 recap coming soon I guess!

And so the Major had his Titan Mecha ready! And Doctor and Schrodinger were in it! This was time for the final battle!

"WHAT'S WITH THE WATER CANNON?" Integra asked. "ARE YOU GOING TO SQUIRT GUN US TO DEATH? HAH!"

"Er kind of it's just a really big squirt gun so to speak." Major said, before pressing buttons. Doctor since this is his chapter of fighting him pressed more and override it, not trusting Major so much with his top trump card.

Then the blue cannon prepped itself, and Integra braced her stance!

"Alright!" She said. "Everyone, get ready!"

And then it fired a huge bubble water blast at all of Hecksing, pushing them in to rocks!

"Is everyone okay?" Integra asked as they were knocked in to the canyon.

But then she looked down and saw that she was impaled by rock sticking out! Through the chest from the back and out! (It's a callback to her old death in the old version.)

"Oh no I guess I'm not..."

"INTEGRA!" Shouted Crimmy, flying (not literally she can swim and run but not fly) over to her and lifting up a hand.

Integra coughed up blood. I'm... not sure when you cough blood or when you cough mucus. If being impaled through the heart would do that (yes it's specifically the heart not just a random part of the chest, on the plus side it's not the lung so Integra could still breathe to give last words). "Go on without me... I have faith that you can do it..."

"Really?" Asked Pip. "You have faith in us?"

"NOT YOU YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I WAS TALKING TO THE MERMAIDS! And Seras. And maybe some of the Wild Geese. Actually shit they should get their lazy asses down here."

"I can change you in to a vampire!" Pip said in a panic. "It worked for Quimby!"

"First of all, don't compare me to that fatass piece of shit. Second of all, I'd rather die a human than be a monster like you."

"I can turn you in to a mermaid!" Said Crimmy. "Just swallow a scale of mine - I can grow it back - and..."

"Well, no offense, but I don't want to be a monster like a mermaid either."

"What."

"Well I mean um... mermaids are also transformed humans. In a sense..."

"Wait they are?" Asked Pip. "This is new lore to me!"

"I didn't even know about mermaids or vampires at all until recently!" Said Seras. "So I'll believe anything. Except if aliens are involved."

"Aliens are involved don't you know about our small troll migrant population?" Pip asked.

"No?"

"Oh, yeah. We have trolls. From Alternia."

"Shit I missed that on the news."

Doctor cleared his throat. "FOCUS ON ME, DAMMIT! NOW, FOR MY OTHER ATTACKS!"

He shot his fire cannon! It torched a huge spray of fire at the wall where Hecksing gathered by Integra! And it turned out that they couldn't have the decision of saving Integra at the cost of her 'humanity' (LOL kinda racist huh and even doesn't canon AAlucard think this way?), because the fire burned her anyway, and all that was left was a skeleton!

Yeah you thought that since Integra survived the Lawyer Guy that she would live this to the end of the fanfic... well think again. Integra's dead. Again. Not like she died and came back, more like she died in both versions.

Pip's still alive, though. But whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I dunno.

"YOU MONSTER!" Cried Seras. "I mean Integra was a mean boss, but she doesn't deserve death!"

"Excuse me, you had a much rougher experience with her than me, I should be the one grieving." Said Crimmy. "I on the other hand am a lover. And she was nicer to me."

"WE ARE ALL TOO!" The other mermaids said.

"Oh yeah oops. I forgot. Harem."

Well the specifics were less important though than STAYING ALIVE, and not getting killed like Integra was just now! So Hecksing lept in the air, and Seras and Pip got to working!

"Okay," said Seras, "I'll shoot from the front, you try to go from behind and distract."

Pip nodded. Seemed like it makes sense to have the person in the front being the attacker and in the back distraction because then the enemy would have to turn around to be distracted and that would give the attacker more time.

Seras stepped on the rock in front of the Titan Mecha, and glared down the Major.

"I dunno why Jew're looking at me Doc controls this thing." Major said. "I'm just in the front to look impressive and cool. It's his seat that has the controls."

That's it! The Doctor is currently the target!

"...Which one's the Doctor?" Asked Seras.

Doctor held up his PHD and stephoscope. "Me dumbass. Because apparently the glasses weren't enough of a giveaway. Schrodinger isn't because he's a damn kid, although I will admit that sounds like a Dcotory-sounding name."

"Because it's named after the guy who invented quantum physics dumbass." Schrodinger said. "So it is a doctor name."

"I don't think we met before." Seras said to Doctor, ignoring Schrodinger.

"Understandable." Doctor said, also ignoring Schrodinger since he's annoying. "Anyway, I'm gonna blast you now."

So then he went and attacked with the water cannon. And, for elemental synergy, the water cannon shot water balls that would blast everyone and infect them with the Wet status. All so that his electric cannon can conduct electricity!

"OH NO!" Seras, wet, said as she had payed attention in biology classes so she knew how electricity and water mixed.

"OH YES! LIGHTNING ROD TIME! I'M BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, MOTHERFUCKER!"

And the synergy helped cause extra pain, like in The Binding of Isaac. Everyone was hurt. Except Integra, but that's because she was dead instead (haha, rhyme).

"DISTRACTION FROM BEHIND!" Said Pip, fighitng off the pain (as both the water and electric attacks were in all directions) and leaping at the Titan Mecha.

"Just give up," Said the Doctor. He turned around, but just saw more of his creation craft mecha thing in the way, so he used a rear view camera (trucks have them) to see Pip and was jumpscared by how fast he was approaching! "I didn't even use my Poison Cannon yet!"

"...We're vampires or mermaids, will that even work?" Seras asked.

"IT'S VAMPIRE POISON! Remember when Jan used that all the way back in Chapter 2?"

"No because I wasn't there." Pip answered. "It was Chapter 2 that was why we were hired to begin with."

Anyway, then he actually used the Poison Cannon to show what he was talking about! Major laughed! Schrodinger laughed, but then he got a puzzled expression on his face.

"Wait a minute. I can just teleport around using fairydust. Why don't I just use that for leverage and get a better view of the action, instead of being in this cockpit?"

"Because you're my pet cat." Doctor said. "Plus we're down to just three. It would look better if we have as many seats filled as possible."

"I AM NOBODY'S PET! I AM EVERYTHING AND NOTHING! AND 'EVERYTHING' IS DEFINED AS 'PET AND MASTER SO I'M YOUR MASTER WHICH OVERRIDES ANY NOTATION OF BEING A PET SINCE BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY CANNOT BE TRUE! Also fuck your seating count thing."

"Well I can't argue with that logic." Shrugged the Doctor. "Of either point."

"Actually," said the Major, "in certain bondage BDSM scenarios, it is possible for there to be a pet and owner that both are the pet and the owner, owning each other. So it still makes quantum physically sense."

"Okay so then I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!" doctor said. Schrodinger frowned.

"Dammit." He said.

Then the Doctor went back to the controls and started moving around. Because the mech was based on a spider, and spiders cannot naturally have a good turning radius, he had to stomp around a lot in place and just "turn" step by step instead of being able to 180 around like a hover bike in science fiction. Because Hellsin't isn't science fiction! It's horror!

Seras kept attacking though, her cannons managing to ruin the paint job of the Titan Mecha! Although... then she started feeling sick... it was the poison! It was getting to her!

"Oh no the vampire poison!" Seras said. She then had a flashback to when Jan poisonered her... and wondered... what Walter did...

He created an antidote for it! Yes, he was lying and actually working with Jan (as their casual chat foreshadowed) but still...

"I MUST REVERSE THE POISON!" Seras cried. And that's what got the Doctor to notice her!

"NO THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE UNCURABLE VAMPIRE POISON!"

"IF POISON DOESN'T KILL YOU, IT MAKES YOU STRONGER, SO IT'S CURABLE!"

"SAYS WHAT?!"

"THE DICTIONARY DEFINITION OF POISON! YOUR BODY FIGHTS IT!"

Doctor reeled back. "Okay she called my bluf. What do I do?"

"Bluff again." Major suggested.

Doctor pushed up his glasses and looked like some smartass.

Then Crimmy just jumped on top of the mech and Doctor and Major both screamed. Schrodinger didn't, he seemed confident that they - any of Hecksing - couldn't reach him.

"Haha we killed your wife :3." Schrodinger said while Doctor and the Major screamed, and would have held each other Scobby-Doo style but their cockspit were in the way. They still tried but eacch bumpbed their hands on the glass.

"WE WEREN'T EVEN MARRIED! Or actual lovers. We're friends and casual sleep buddies, but I'm really the only one of the Fish Army that is really close to Integra. But I DO love her and never got to tell her that!"

"The rest of us just find her hot!" Said a pink-colored mermaid. Not any of the ones that talked before in Chapter 7. "She's skilled in bed!" And lots of the others nodded in agreement.

"TOO BAD! WE'RE THE BADGUYS! SO WE KILL!" Shouted the Major, trying to get confidence.

Then it fired ALL WEAPONS AT ONCE TO MAKE THE MAJOR'S POINT! Fire bursts, poison bursts, water bursts, and lightning bursts!

"So wait..." Seras started considering as she was infected. "The poison is flammable... the lightning conducts water... if the elements can boost each other... what about being weakness?"

She remembered from police training! Water extinguishes fire! She looked at the water and fire cannons and gave them a Luigi Death Stare. And maybe something could be done with lightning and poison too. Maybe.

And so, she had to fight off the vampire poison eating her out. Enough to stand, and then jump, once again landing on the mech.

"That didn't work the first time why do you think it will work now?" Asked Doctor with a smug smirk. "Are you insane, the definition being ti do the same thing over and over and expect a different result?"

"NO! And I am not insane the way you guys are either, which is the way of 'killing is good!'"

"Aha, Einstein didn't say that that's insanity though! So according to him, ONE OF THE SMARTEST MINDS IN THE WORLD, I am not insane! Veritible proof by the guy who invented quantum physics!"

"Which was how I was born, meow!" Said Schrodinger.

"Anyway, this is not insanity but what I was doing was providing ANOTHER distraction, in contrast to the Pip one, but he wasn't distracting, he was... THE DISTRACTED FROM THING ALL ALONG!" Seras shouted.

Major and Doctor both looked shocked! Schrodinger on the other hand poofed himself some popcorn and began to laugh.

"WAIT... IS PIP...?" He looked at the cameras... and thumbed through them like Five Nights at Freddy's, another thing that didn't exist back when the original HUC was written.

Pip was crossing the wires and re-wiring the cannons so that they would turn on each other! Fire and water! Poison and electricity!

"NOOOOO DON'T FIRE!" Shouted Major.

"I CAN'T!" Shouted the Doctor. "I HAVE THIS SET UP SO THAT NO MATTER WHAT AT LEAST ONE GUN WILL FIRE AUTOMATICALLY BECAUSE OF OUR LOVE FOR BLOODSHED!"

"DAMMIT DOCTOR FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS A PHD IN DOCTORATES JEW SURE ARE FUCKING STUPID!

"The correct word is cocky!"

"Doctor, we kill, we don't talk about genitals it's rude."

"I do NOT mean-"

BOOM!

There was backlog overflow in the pipes once Pip tied them up! Like a toilet! Fire, lightning, water, and poison (VAMPIRE poison) was leaking out through all the metal plates!

"Uhhhh... shit." Said Major. I said like a toilet but not in that sense. "This is too hackable."

"I GOT IT! I'LL USE THE OTHER CANONS!" Doctor cried, pressing buttons.

Then more cannons popped out of additional metal plates! A cyan ice cannon, a gray rock crusher cannon, and... okay these are based on Pikmin but Wingeds don't really have an element and neither did Purples in the 2011 version. I guess just those two for now? There should be a wind one too but... I don't know how to get that to fit the Pikmin themeing.

Also, Seras and Pip collapsed from the vampire poison. They were just trying to fight back against it, and couldn't hold off.

"WE NEED THE CURE!" Seras shouted.

"GOOD THE VAMPIRES, THE STRONGEST OF THEM, ARE DISTRACTED!" Major shouted. "DOCTOR GET JEW'RE ASS TO FIXING THIS SHIT! NOW!"

"ON IT LEADER!" Said Doctor.

"I'm not the shadow hologram anymore you can call me the Major."

"Right, on it Major." The Doctor saluted. Again, he did that last time I just forgot to write it.

Anyway the Doctor then turned around and began to work, opening up panels and untangling the wires that Hecksing fucked up. His pants rode down and showed his plumbers crack which made Major turn away in disgust, he wasn't a prude it was just that Doctor's ass was really smelly from all the time in the lab and working on experiments like human torture experiments, that meant a lot of blood and stuff everywhere and also he just does a poor job at wiping with toilet paper. Soryr I wanted to do the plumber's crack joke but also have it make sense since Major wasn't reacting at all to the naked mermaids. Actually this whole paragraph is just dubiously canon nevermind it, or maybe he does smell bad from the blood and experiments but he should know about self-hygine. Again, ignore this paragraph. Dubiously canon.

AND SPEAKING OF THE NAKED MERMAIDS, transition sentence, they were gathered!

"Strongest of them?!" Asked an offended Crimmy. "I'LL SHOW YOU! No offense Seras and Pip. And other Wild Geese."

But they were too sickened by the poison to respond. Oh I guess the other Geese got infected too.

Crimmy's hands lit on flames.

"This is a fire tank! It's immune to fire!" Major said with a laugh. He turned to Doctor. But got plumber's crack again, so he turned away. "Right Doctor?"

"uh mermaid fire?" Doctor asked. "Hm let's see... yeah, no. That's stronger than what we have."

"WHAT?! But this was an anti-vampire weapon!"

"Mermaids are not vampires dumbass. I mean there's vampire mermaids but THANKFULLY Hecksing doesn't have them or we'll be fucked. It's harder to make than just a vampire biting a mermaid or a vampire eating a mermaid scale."

"Blah just FIRE THE FUCKING CANYONS!"

"Which ones?"

"ALL OF THEM! that work."

So Doctor slammed his hand on all the buttons! The cannons began to shoot out ice and crystal at the 999 mermaids, catching Crimmy off guard!

"We dealt with Rip's ice this is nothing. Still I should save them."

"WELL THEN ROCKS!" Shouted the Doctor, he would have pressed more buttons but he already pressed them all at first so it was just a delay with the crystal cannon. It shot rocks around everywhere, and some of the mermaids got pinned down!

"Shit!" Shouted Crimmy. "NOOOO I'LL SAVE YOU!"

And she flew over and got to them! Most of the other mermaids were still trying to fight the Titan Mecha, but Crimmy didn't like that.

"Hey, you should go over and save these others!" She said. "Prioritizing the lives of the team over stopping the bad guys!"

"But didn't Integra run the latter in British Hellsing wing?" Asked a gray mermaid.

"We're from the Indian side spinoff bit thing! That's how WE work! Save the pinned mermaids! Plus we just had one lover die, I'd rather not have more!"

"Okay I thought that not stopping the badguy first and letting them continue to kill more would be the selfish action." Said a dark pink mermaid.

Anyway, so the Ice Cannon was out. The Wind Cannon... could something be done with that? Oh wait I said there wasn't one... let's give it one, and make it pink and purple stripped. It's a Pikmin reference, Purples can get not blown by wind (at least in 2), Wings are wind-like, so it's the both of them. Doctor considered. He just started pressing it, while Seras and Pip were both gasping for air.

Rip, meanwhile, rolled her eyes. "It looks like I have to do everything around here. Just like my time working with the Millennium..."

"SHUT UP MILLENNIUM!" Seras shouted to her.

"Hey I didn't say anything for a while. And I don't think I talk that much... :(" Major said looking away ashamed. "Doctor though LOL."

"She's talking to me." Rip answered. "Seras, I'm ex-Millennium now. I'm still not on your side, but I want to see the Major pay for peeving me off. For the time being, we're..." she sighed, "'coworkers.'"

"We're teaming up?"

"A temporary team up, to be clear."

"And you'll do...?"

"This."

Rip fired the piece of shit musket. Unlike the original version, Zofin didn't upgrade her weapon. She didn't need an upgrade, and also maybe in this incarnation her powers only work with her musket, I dunno. Its bullet turned blue and began zipping around. But the Major didn't move.

"WE HEARD ABOUT JEWR TRAITORING SO WE DECIDED TO BULLETPROOF THE MECH! AND NOT JUST BULLETS, BUT RIP BULLETPROOFING!"

The bullet harmlessly bounced off of the armor with 'plink' sounds, but Rip still smirked.

"That was just a decoy."

She lifted a hand and it glowed...

But then nothing happened.

And then giant blood red and black sparks came from her. She went back in pain and cried out.

"AHA! The seal on Jew!" Said Major. "It still works! I'm so glad Pip who is currently dying of vampire poison that you somehow evaded came up with that!"

Rip smirked. "I was aware. That was also a ruse."

"Wait the bullet ruse was a..." The Doctor looked around at his monitors and saw a lot of beeping! "OH NO!"

The bullet fell when Rip had the spark thing... but it feel right in to the rock cannon!

"I purposefully tried to activate one of my more advanced powers to trigger the seal, to make it look like my bullet control was being disabled."

"THE BULLET IS INSIDE THE WALLS NOW!" Doctor shouted as he came to a realization.

Then more explosions went off as Rip controlled the bullet from within after stealthing it inside! The second round of cannons were disabled!

"Making the bullet drop dead was my way of sneaking it in to the cannons." Rip explained. "It would be blasted away otherwise."

She looked at Seras and Pip, both falling to the ground and sick. Rip sighed.

"Healing you of your poison might be the best way to ensure that the Millennium falls now."

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Shouted Major. "BECAUSE THIS HAS THE FINAL CANNON AS WELL! AND GUESS WHAT?"

Doctor laughed as he pushed a button, then a final green turret cannon showed up. A VERY FAMILIAR green turret cannon!

"Wait is that...?" Seras asked.

"ALUCARD'S TANK!" Major laughed. "Jew see, when it fell in the sea, that wasn't it! The carrier was damage, of course Alucard DIED, but the tank itself survived the holy blast! Remember? Schrodinger should have shown that!"

"I spent SO MUCH FUCKING TIME going over there and fishing it out with Schrodinger's help..." Doctor saaid. "It's what I was doing with Schrodinger while the most of the Millennium were doing things."

Rip flexed her hands. "The mermaids... are somehow all taking care of each other. I'll heal your poison. This isn't to save you, it's because you have a better shot of killing the Major than I do at my state alone."

"AT THE COST OF TRANSFERRING IT TO YOURSELVE?" Seras asked.

"Yes and no. Just shut up before they blast us with the remains of Alucard's tank."

"IT'S NOT REMAINS! IT'S A REPURPOSING!" Doctor shouted.

Rip quickly stuck her hands in to Seras and Pip's necks. She strained and the purple poison lines went from them and in to her as she strained. Also the holy barrier thing activated a few times.

"WAIT WE CAN'T BE MADE VAMPIRES FROM THIS RIGHT- oh wait." Pip said.

Rip collapsed to the ground. But Seras and Pip felt better now!

"ALRIGHT TIME TO FINISH THIS!" Pip shouted.

"Wait..." Seras said. "Did we ever see Alucard actually firing his tank?"

The tank turret fired.

It was a colossal orange explody energy beam that hit the Grand Canyon, and started up a massive explosion there.

"AAAAH HAHAHAHA!" Major laughed as a big blast and then a lot of black smoke came in. Thankfully (or unthankfully since these were the villains), with the cockpit shields, it was out of their eyes. "Doctor that was brilliant, I had no idea Alucard's tank had that much power, thank Jew very much for this mega blast."

But the smoke cleared.

Pip was using Rip as a human (vampire) shield! Rip had a big ass burn on her back. Uh, she's naked right? If not sicne I don't remember and I'm rushing this too much to reread, then the blast burnt off her clothes. And maybe the clothes of Pip and Seras. The mermaids were already naked.

"Holy shit that actually worked!" Pip said. Even Rip looked surprised.

"THAT WAS LACED WITH MEGA-HOLY MAGIC!" Shouted Doctor. "A SIMILAR FORMULA OF BLESSINGS AND POPE TEARS AND BIBLE PAGES THAT WE USED TO KILL ALUCARD! Also a sprinkle of salt, both because I heard that's another thing that vampires are weak to, also ssalt's tasty and I've wanted to be a chef but my fucking parents pushed me in to getting a doctorage so I became one of those evil mad scientists types just to be a dick. hee hee hee."

"Oh no, Doc," Rip had an evil grin on her face, "that blast must have cancelled the seal put on me. In other words..."

She turned in to a black blob of eyes and mouth and blood that was less black but more red, then just melted out of Pip's hands, and reformed.

"...I'm back."

"Uh oh Schrodinger GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Major shouted.

Schrodinger teleported from his cockpit to the Major's cockpit and then teleported again, this time both, leaving just the Doctor who screamed.

Rip just turned her arm in to a giant blood sword thing and stabbed the machine, disabling it. It gave off sparks and exploded, also seemingly taking the Doctor with him.

"WELL DONE!" Shouted Pip. "We made a great team!"

"But what did we do? Rip did almost everything." Seras said. "Mostly near the end."

"But I was needed to hold her up, which wouldn't have happened if I didn't have the poison sucked out of me!"

Rip felt a bit ill and then collapsed down. "Damn... this 'vampire poison' must be stronger than I thought."

"THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS!" Shouted the Doctor, who was falling in the air! He then landed on the ground and was badly injured. "HAHAHA THAT VAMPIRE POISON IS MEANT TO COUNTERACT YOU AND YOUR HOT ASS YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I DON'T LIKE YOU! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME-"

And then the ruins of the Titan Mecha fell on him and crushed him. Actually killing him.

"Well." Said Pip.

"BUT JEW STILL HAVE ME LEFT TO GO!" Shouted the Major, who was behind all of Hecksing!

And to make matters worse, an evil Nazicopter was flying through the air, heading to the Grand Canyon.

If I counted the days right, this was the day the Major's boss from the first chapter mentioned would land! And so the copter landed, and even the Major looked nervous as it landed behind him, and then a shadowy figure (hidden by shadows of objects not actually being a hologram like before) landed and the figure stepped out...

"Uh oh..." said Major.

It was Hitler!

Footnotes:

A: Another truth. I actually did until just a few days before this was set to be published.

Closing AN:

Yeah I gave this a good go but still kinda rushed it, and Chapters 12 and 13 will also be rushed. (12 I at least worked on a little bit in the last few days leading up to it, 13 I haven't even started on.) At least this time I actually finished the rough a few days back and gave this a lookover edit.

I think a huge mistake with this and its original "sister story" Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals is that HUC might have worked better with 26 chapters and HHC with 13 instead of the other way around. That way, I could have "more room" for stuff like the Millennium officers getting their own arcs devoted to fighting them, Quimby and the world building, etc, instead of trying to cram it all in thirteen chapters just because "Hurr hurr vampire story thirteen is unlucky." On the other hand with Housestuck there actually isn't too much content for that vauge outline, and in the original I was really just dumping a bunch of random shit to fill up Season 6 especially, and it would have been less cringe that way. Hell, maybe I'll just give this another giant rewrite once I actually get to changing the past seasons (except maybe Season 1, aside from Chapter 4 I liked how that one turned out), and then HHC's rewrite/reboot is just thirteen chapters and it's the miniature side-story.

Anyway, here's to Season 4, the endgame!