20 / Guilt

Hyperspace

9 BBY

Merrin's eyes flew open as she started awake in her bunk aboard the Mantis. Her sleep had been restless, not an unusual thing for her, especially of late. Her eyes took a moment to focus in the darkness, the only light source in the tiny room coming from the narrow windows above. She watched the blue patterns from the ship's hyperspace travel rush across the walls for a moment before pulling herself out of bed. She pulled on her boots and jacket, deciding she had rested enough.

She emerged into the engine room and opened the door immediately to the left of hers to check on Kata. She was still sleeping soundly in Greez's bed, which he had so graciously offered her while he was busy piloting the ship. Merrin smiled, envious of the child's gentle slumber. Not wanting to disturb her, she pressed the button to close the door again. She passed Cal's bunk on her way into the living quarters, and frowned when she saw he was not in it. She specifically recalled instructing the Jedi to get some rest, which she knew he had not been doing much of recently.

She made her way out onto the bridge of the ship, looking around for him. The main lights were off and it made the ship much darker than usual with only the safety lights on. The only other light she could see was coming from the holo-projector, casting a blue glow around the area before the closed cockpit door. She was about to retreat back into the engine room to continue searching when she spied Cal's leg hanging down from the seating area to the right of the holo-projector. He was so still she hadn't noticed him right away.

She approached quietly, wary that he may be asleep in his current position. But as she drew closer, she could see that he was definitely awake. He was sitting sideways on the seat, his back against the short wall that divided this room from the living area. His right foot was on the seat in front of him, elbow rested atop his bent knee and his face was obscured by his hand as his head leaned into it. His left arm lay limp on his other leg, which was planted on the ground. Merrin was instantly alarmed, as something about his energy and body language was very off.

"Cal?"

She made her voice as gentle as possible, but could tell that she'd still startled him. He must have been lost in his thoughts and not heard or sensed her approach. He started to turn his head in her direction, but then quickly snapped it the other way, like he was avoiding looking at her. She saw him rub his right eye with his hand, though he tried to obscure the action.

"Hey."

"Are you alright?" She questioned, her tone concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

His voice sounded thick and rough, though something told her it wasn't from his lack of sleep.

"What are you doing up?"

It took him a moment to answer.

"I couldn't sleep."

Well, that much was obvious, Merrin thought to herself, though she sensed now was not the moment for sarcasm. She walked forwards slowly until she was standing in front of him. It was difficult to see him clearly in the dim blue light, but something was definitely wrong. She could tell his guard was up now he was aware of her presence, but his frame was slumped, his face weary and his energy seemed depleted.

She sat on the seat beside his foot, but he made no attempt to change his position like he normally would. She felt as though he may not have had the energy for even this. He glanced up at her face briefly and barely managed a small smile, though it was gone in an instant. Merrin furrowed her brows as she could finally see his face properly. He always tried to hide his pain, which infuriated her to no end, but he could not hide the redness in his swollen eyes now. He could not hide the way his breath shook when he exhaled, or how he picked anxiously at his nails and the skin on his fingers. He refused to meet her gaze, looking down at his hands, probably aware that she could see his emotions written plain on his features and not wanting to show weakness in front of her.

"What is on your mind?"

It was not a demanding question, but an invitation, an olive branch for him to reach out and take if he wanted. She would never push him to express what he felt, something she knew he found difficult, but she wanted him to feel he could trust her with his thoughts and worries. He glanced up at her briefly again and sighed, a deep, tired sound. He looked away to his left at nothing in particular.

"I can't stop thinking about Cere." He finally admitted after a long moment.

Merrin knew this was likely what was keeping him awake – it had barely been one week since her passing, after all. She did not interrupt, only waited patiently for him to continue when he was ready.

"What happened to her, the way I found her..." Cal closed his eyes, lost in the painful memory. "She was alone. She died alone, and I wasn't there. I should've been there with her."

"Had you been, Vader would have killed you too," She reminded him. "We would have lost you both, and Tanalorr would remain in Bode's hands."

"Vader..." Cal sighed in frustration, his expression turning dark at the name leaving his lips. "I shouldn't have gone after Bode, I should've stayed by her side."

"She told you to go after him. He had the compass."

"And it didn't matter, he still got away," Cal's tone grew aggravated. "I should've seen it coming, why didn't I sense it?"

"He lied to us all, Cal. He deceived us. His actions were not yours."

"I brought him into our circle, Merrin," Cal reminded her. "I trusted him, and it cost Cere and Cordova and so many of the Anchorites their lives."

"Yes, it did. But you are not responsible for their deaths."

"But, if I'd just—"

"You are not," Merrin repeated, more firmly. "It is as Greez said: what Bode did is on him. He is gone; he will lie in the darkness with his deception for eternity. Denvik is gone, too, there is no more blame to be placed. Not on your shoulders, not on anyone's."

Cal was silent for a long moment, contemplating her words. His head made a small thunk sound as he rested it against the wall behind him.

"Vader," He uttered the name like a curse. "He killed Cere, Merrin. Bode may be gone, but Vader is still out there."

"This may be difficult for you to hear," Merrin softened her tone. "But there is nothing you can do about it, not now. You are not strong enough to face Vader, not yet."

Cal finally met Merrin's gaze and she did not like what she saw in his eyes.

"No, not yet," Cal agreed, turning his head away to the left, his gaze fixated far away on something she could not see. "But some day, I will be."

Merrin watched his face closely, his dark expression worrying her. She reached out and took his right hand tentatively, hoping her touch might soothe him. She smoothed her thumb over the skin on the back of his hand.

"Cere would not want you to live your life with revenge festering in your heart, Cal."

He must have known this to be true, he knew Cere as well as any of them. It was the last thing she would want, for them to lose sight of what really mattered in pursuit of vengeance. He breathed deeply then, closing his eyes, seeming as though he was trying to calm himself. It settled Merrin's growing anxiety somewhat.

"I don't know what Cere would want. I wasn't there to ask her. I spent years avoiding her because of my petty anger and foolish pride."

So, that was part of what guilted him; the fact that he had lost years with Cere due to their disagreement on how to best serve the Galaxy. Merrin understood why that might weigh on him.

"That's lost time I will never be able to make up for, now."

"She never held it against you, Cal," She assured him. "She understood that you needed to walk your own path."

Something shifted in Cal's expression and he looked over at her, his head still leaning back against the wall. Something about what she'd said seemed to strike a chord with him.

"The way we all split apart," He lamented. "It was a mess."

"Yes, it was." Merrin agreed with a sad smile.

"I wish I could take back the things I said, but I can't. I should've been more understanding."

"It is not productive to wish we could change things that have already come to pass," She reminded. "If you were not a capable leader, we would not have followed you. You harbour so much guilt and self-doubt for events over which you had no control."

Merrin saw Cal avert his gaze once again. Sometimes the Jedi frustrated her immensely; he was always so quick to blame himself for every misfortune that happened around him. She knew he felt as though he was cursed, like bad luck followed him everywhere. But she also knew that for every misfortune, there were a thousand smiles, sounds of laughter, and feelings of hope that he brought to those around him. She did not know how to make him see the good that he did.

"I just don't know what the point is in fighting anymore," Cal admitted in defeat. "Our enemy is relentless, their resources infinite. Cere was the strongest Jedi I have ever known, and Vader defeated her all the same. What hope do we have against the Empire, Merrin?"

Merrin took a moment to think, wanting to choose her next words very carefully. She tightened her grip on his hand.

"I will tell you what the point is," She nodded her head towards the back of the ship. "It is back there, sleeping in that bedroom. We fight for Kata and others like her. We fight for ourselves and for the future we want to live in. We fight for family and for those we have lost. To give up now, after all the pain and sacrifice, would be to dishonour their memory, and ourselves."

Cal stared at her as she spoke, seeming to take in her words. She leaned forward.

"Cere, Cordova, my sisters, Ilyana, your crew, your Master... they are not gone, Cal. They live on through us. We have a duty to them to carry on, to keep fighting. We are their legacy; it is up to us to decide what we will do with it."

Cal's eyes wandered and he sighed deeply. He sat forward slightly, the first shift in his body since Merrin had sat down. He seemed to ponder her words for a long moment.

"How do we do that?" He finally asked.

Merrin smiled encouragingly.

"We begin with Tanalorr, and with Kata. The rest will follow."

Cal nodded slowly, seeming far away again. His eyes darted around in the dim light.

"On Tanalorr, after we burned their bodies..." He began. "I spoke to Cere, some words I needed to say. I didn't know what to do next and all I wanted in that moment was her guidance... and she gave it."

Merrin's eyes widened as this was news to her.

"She spoke to you?"

Cal nodded again.

"What did she say?"

He recalled Cere's words to him on the cliff, felt only through the Force.

"'Guide her through the darkness.'"

Merrin understood immediately what Cere had meant. She wondered why Cal hadn't mentioned this until now. Perhaps it was something he hadn't wanted to share, this directive from his mentor from beyond death. This message from her to him sacred, in a way.

"I want to do as she asks," Cal continued, snapping Merrin from her thoughts. "But I'm scared. I don't know that I'm ready to do this alone, Merrin."

Cal did not often admit his fear, always striving to show courage. Merrin knew that this fear he felt was profound indeed for him to speak of it so directly. She hated that he doubted himself so much when she and all those around him had nothing but faith in him.

"Cere seems to think you are ready, and so do I," She encouraged. "But you will not be alone, we will do this together."

Merrin saw the corner of Cal's mouth pull up ever so slightly. It was only a small smile, but a smile all the same.

"Thank you." His voice was incredibly sincere.

Merrin squeezed his hand and he returned the action.

"Cal..."

His green eyes met hers.

"Cere loved you, she believed in you, as I do. Her death was not your fault."

Cal's facial features softened and his shoulders fell as his rigid position finally relaxed.

"It was not your fault." She repeated softly.

Something in the Jedi seemed to shatter at her words. The Nightsister had not realised just how much he might have needed to hear them. She watched Cal come to pieces right before her eyes. He dropped his head and shut his eyes tightly, a shaky exhale escaping his lips. He pressed his left hand to his forehead, covering his face, and his breath caught in his throat.

"I'm sorry." He choked out.

Merrin didn't realise what was happening until she saw a single droplet fall from his cheek. In all the years she had known Cal, he had never cried in front of her, not once. She had caught the odd tear now and again, but he always tried to maintain his composure, afraid to show weakness in front of those who depended on him. Even now he tried to hide from her as he lost control of his emotions.

The urge that overtook her to comfort him was powerful. She said nothing, simply reaching out to lay her hand on his left arm gently, stroking the hair that grew there with her thumb. He leaned into her touch immediately, then he put his right leg down so she could shuffle closer and pull him into an embrace. He rested his face into her shoulder, wrapped his arms around her back and finally let his guard down. His shoulders shook occasionally as small sobs escaped his body. Merrin held him as he let it out, stroking the shaven red hair on the back of his head with her long fingers.

"Never apologise for how you feel." She said softly.

She felt Cal's strong arms grip her tighter and she squeezed him back. The last time they'd held each other like this was on Jedha, and the circumstances had been no better then. Merrin realised in that moment that everything that she felt for him before their lives had been turned upside down was still there. It had felt almost dormant ever since the loss of Cere and Cordova, that loss and all that had happened since consuming her every thought. She was glad that those feelings – the love and the desire that she held for him – yet remained. But it was not what either of them needed right now. What Cal needed was her support, which she would provide him without hesitation. The road towards healing from this loss would be long for both of them.

Eventually, she felt him begin to calm and quiet. His arms loosened their grip and he lifted his head. Merrin studied his face, tear-streaked and so weary now from his emotions and exhaustion. He looked into her eyes and leaned his forehead against hers. She stretched out her arms over his shoulders, resting her hands on the back of his head. He reached up with his hands to run them over her arms, her shoulders and down her sides, coming to rest on her waist. They both closed their eyes and Cal sighed deeply.

"Thank you." He murmured.

Merrin could feel his sincerity and she felt the urge to touch her lips to his come on suddenly. She waited for him to reopen his eyes, then tilted her head up in request and he leaned forward in response, his mouth meeting hers. It was a gentle kiss, one of comfort and familiarity. It was over quickly, but it was enough for them – enough to remind them that while it seemed everything around them had changed, some things had not.

Another deep sigh left Cal, and Merrin leaned back.

"Come," She said, taking the Jedi's hand. "You must try and get some rest before we arrive."

"Ok." He agreed wearily.

Merrin pulled him up and led him to the bunk in her room, rather than his own in the engine room.

"Why are we in here?" His question was almost slurred.

"You will sleep better in here," She explained. "And I have no need for it right now. Just do not use your strange psychic powers on my belongings. I know you, Jedi."

Cal laughed once at her.

"I won't."

He sat down heavily, his tired body already failing him. Merrin turned to leave him alone, but he grabbed her hand gently to stop her.

"Merrin," His weary emerald eyes looked up at her from where he sat. "Stay with me."

It was a request, not a demand, one Merrin knew she could refuse if she wanted. But she had no desire to refuse him. She nodded in agreement and joined him on the bed. Neither of them bothered to undress, the cold of space unforgiving as it was. The bunk was barely big enough for the both of them to lie side by side, but Merrin didn't mind. If it meant the Jedi would finally get some sleep, she was contented. They settled into each other easily, like this was not the first time they had shared a bed. The warmth of their bodies pressed together was a comfort that was both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Cal wrapped his arm around Merrin's waist and she laid her arm atop his, interlacing their fingers. She felt Cal kiss the back of her head lightly, and when he spoke, she felt the heat of his breath on her neck and the sound of his voice was muffled by her hair.

"Merrin—"

"Sleep, Cal," She interrupted. "There will be time for talk later."

She felt the small heave of his chest against her back as he sighed. He gripped her tighter, and soon, despite her earlier rest, they both fell into a peaceful sleep.