Chapter 9 - Three Months

"You can stop trying to sneak out in the morning, you know." Harm's voice is low, raspy. It has that early morning, sleep laden timbre which makes my tummy do all kinds of delightful flip flops.

He's right though. We're way past me trying to sneak out of his bed on Saturday mornings when I know I'll eventually head back to his place or him to mine. "We're not living together. I'm a free woman." I remind him while trying to locate the Fly Navy shirt I 'borrowed' from him weeks ago. It's on the floor along with my panties that I slip on now that my stealthy retreat has been ruined.

"It's been three months, Mac. The sneaking around is-"

"Two months, three weeks and two days."

He snorts and props up on an elbow. "Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you can tell me to the last second." He actually sounds a little annoyed.

"Thought you liked my timing thing?"

"Oh, I do. It's cute, just a little annoying." Harm grins and taps the mattress in front of him. "Come back to bed, I'm getting kinda lonely."

I shake my head and take a step back when he suddenly tries to reach for me. "Some of us have to prepare for court on Monday so that sneaky squids don't sandbag me in court."

He frowns and lets out a rather dramatic sigh. "Never gonna let that go are ya?"

"Nope. Besides, it's helped keep me on my toes." And made me a better lawyer that anticipates his antics. Can you love someone and hate them at the same time? Is it possible to really turn feelings off or on? With him, it's always been that way - a guard I've learned to keep up in order not to get hurt.

Harm sits up and scoots against the wall and when he does the sheet falls away from him a little. My eyes focus on his body and my desire to leave wavers a little. "Be honest with me. You're scared."

"I'm not scared."

"Yeah, you are. You're scared of being with me."

"If I'm so scared, why do I keep coming back?"

"Because you can't stay away."

I lean against a chest of drawers and fold my arms across my chest. "Neither can you."

"I don't want to. Mac, we're doing okay. It's been less…heavy." He winces a little at how it sounds and while that may be true at times, there is still a crushing weight I can't get rid of. "You're having fewer nightmares."

I'm not. I've just learned to hide them better. "Right." I disappear into the bathroom and Harm appears a couple of seconds later with a sheet wrapped around his waist.

His modesty is a sign of an impending 'serious' conversation I don't wish to have. Most of the time neither of us have an issue being nude in front of one another. "I know this-" Harm waves a hand between the two of us again and then braces himself against the glass wall. "- isn't about work but, if it keeps you around a lot more, I'm willing to recuse myself from the case."

"Oh yeah?" I flush the toilet and pull my panties up all the while chuckling at his sudden suggestion. The case is high profile involving the stolen diamonds a Marine was using to trade for military secrets. What little expertise and connections I acquired during my stint in Paraguay is an unfair advantage. He knows this but Harm's defense is still a solid one given most of the diamonds are still missing. "Afraid you'll lose?"

"Nooo. There's about six different ways I can spin a good defense. Besides, just being lead on this case is a bump in my career, win or lose. You know that… I don't need to win."

"Sure you don't." I grab my toothbrush and stare at him through the bathroom mirror. He's sad and it's a look I've seen on him far too much in the last three months. He knows I'm not okay but doesn't know how to fix it. His attempts at healing my unrelenting anxiety is often a good hard fuck where we both suspend reality for a time.

I meant it when I once said he tires me out and that's a good thing. A little time between the sheets with Harm and I'm often too exhausted to dream. We're definitely too tired to talk about personal things. Again, it's a good thing. "It's been fun but I-"

"Stop it. I hate when you do that." He interrupts and steps behind me where I have nowhere to run. His hands come to either side of the sink trapping me between it and him. The nearness of Harm, the heat of his body and the scent of his skin is hard for me to ignore. He's awoken a primal desire in me that I really don't know how to stop.

"You hate when I do what?" I say while brushing my teeth. He's looking at my reflection, studying it as if seeing me for the first time. His expression makes me nervous because it's serious and questioning and I wonder if he sees the evil inside me.

Harm turns me around once I'm done and keeps me trapped. I would be easy to escape, one quick raise of my knee between his thighs and I'd drop him like a fly. "It's been fun, but I have to go now." My words are thrown back at me. A sentence I've jokingly repeated whilst attempting an escape from his presence. "Makes it sound like we're not dating."

"We're not. We're friends, fuck buddies." I grin but the longer this has gone on the more I see a change in him I hadn't known existed. "It's a joke. I'm joking."

"No, you're not…Three months, Mac. Renee, who I was with for almost two years, didn't stay with me every night. Nor did I want her to."

"So you want to stop sleeping together? I thought you rather enjoyed the sex, sailor." It's a bad attempt at another joke which doesn't land. If anything it intensifies his resolve and for reasons I can't explain, I find myself apologizing. "Sorry. I know this isn't just about good sex. It's about…us. You love me."

"And you still don't sound convinced."

I'm not because I've learned the hard way that "I love you" doesn't mean shit. My mother loved me, my dad did too. Chris loved me, so did Farrow and Dalton and Mic. They all loved me only to backstab or leave me. "I am. I want to be with you."

"So, be with me. Stop trying to run away every chance you get." He runs his hands up and down my arms and my skin is immediately covered in goosebumps. "Let's do something, an actual date. Dinner, a movie, dancing. Hell, even a walk down the Mall to visit Honest Abe."

The National Mall is especially beautiful at night with the soft glow of the lights illuminating the monuments. As much as I often dislike DC, it does have a unique charm. "You know we can't."

"Yes, we can. We're the same rank, have worked together for years and as far as Chegwidden is concerned, we have his blessing. Not that I thought we needed it."

Fuck. No. No! No! No, he didn't. "You told him?! How could you tell him?!"

"Hey, calm down. He figured it out. Just told me to keep the personal stuff out of the office."

"Harm, we agreed." No one was to know for a while. Hell, forever. I know the rumors would abound, the ones I never recovered from after Chris' murder or Mic's sudden departure. For months I was also involved in Harm's scuttlebutt, and heard the whispers of why he hadn't returned to JAG. I don't want that. I don't need any of that because I already carry too much weight on my shoulders.

"Our friends will be happy, trust me." He leans closer and stops just a breath away from kissing me. "Please stop trying to make me beg you to stay. I don't like it."

It wasn't gentle when he kissed me because it felt like Harm was staking his claim. Despite my best efforts to push him back my limbs become useless as a rough hand slipped beneath my shirt and cups my breast. "Not playing fair, Commander."

"I play to win, Colonel." I gasp when he presses himself against me, his perfect body now beautifully exposed as the sheet dropped to the tiles. He's already hard. His length presses against my sex that is pulled aside by one deft finger. "And I'll die to win you."

"I'm not a prize…Mmmm." As sure as the cards have turned, Harm's inside me. He moves in a slow, tortuous manner that has me clawing at his six, wanting him to thrust into me faster. "Please, please."

"Say you'll stay."

"Yes." I gasp, when he pulls out and pushes into me again. "Yes, I'll stay."

I'm not sure when he lays me down on the ground but the sheet that once covered him is beneath us and does little to protect me from the cold tile beneath. Not that it matters, every kiss, every touch, every push and pull of his body over mine takes my mind away from the hard floor.

"Come for me, Sarah." Harm commands. The tensing of his body alerts me that he's close. So much so that he slows his hips, keeping each thrust long and deep as his fingers take me over the edge. He holds back, waits for me to wind down and when I mostly catch my breath his pace increases until he emptied himself into me. "Fuck, Mac…I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Why?" He pulls out of me and drops to his haunches, his chest heaving like he's sprinted the last 5K of a Marathon.

Harm scrubs a hand across his face and chuckles. "Cold, hard tiles." His fist raps on the floor as he shakes his head slowly. "Bed was too damned far, I guess….Trying to he a gentleman with you but you make me crazy." He offers one of his cute, sheepish grins that makes me want to kiss him senseless.

Harm's a good man. A real good man that will likely be destroyed by me. It's his fault, I guess. His fault for making me want to stay because after this performance I know I'll be spending another night in his arms case or not. "Yeah, you make me a little crazy too."

Actually, I'm crazy about him, always have been. I think back to our meeting at the rose garden and the night spent out in the desert where he had my back despite me lying to him. We've been through so much, maybe we do deserve to be happy together?

It makes me shiver, the idea that everything I want is just in reach if I choose to take it. And I want him, I do but something inside me enjoys keeping him at arms length.

"Hey, you're cold." Harm comes to his knees and attempts - but fails - to tuck the sheet around me. He then scoots towards the shower and pushes the hot water knob as far as it will go. It normally takes several minutes for the water heater to kick on and in that time his arms are wrapped around me.

"Three months, huh?" That's something, isn't it?

"Not according to you." He jokes and kisses me gently. "Let's get you warm and then you can leave if you want."

"I plan to." I assure him but before the sadness darkness the mood, I offer a little clarification. "I have a cute little black dress that matches your back suit. I know someone at Cafe Milano that can get us in tonight."

Harm's eyes are the single most beautiful things I've ever seen. Their color changes with his moods and while I love the darkening hues of arousal, when he's happy they're a stunning, electric blue. "Are you asking me out on a date, Marine?"

"I guess so, sailor. You're right, we shouldn't hide." Although I want to because the closer we get the more certain the fallout will be cataclysmic. "Come to my place later, we can walk from my apartment."

"There's a nice little jazz bar in Georgetown."

I nod. "It's a good place for slow dancing, I hear." And I have enough DVDs that we can spend the remainder of the evening watching movies. "Bring your overnight bag."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

A date with Harm. An actual, proper date. I'm not ready for this step or the ones that will surely come after. I like whatever this is, the uncomplicated way we fall into bed and ignore everything else. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I lie. I've been lying to him for three months, why stop now? "Everything is fine." I'll just have to deal with the social anxiety and not be so obvious when I scout every point of egress. I'll try not to jump when someone walks up behind me or when a stranger stares.

A cold glass of water in my hand doesn't have to remind me of the way Sadik's men poured water above my head to aid the car batteries conduct more electricity. "Everything is fine."