Part of Shadow's creative exchange! Drawings to go with these stories can be found on my wattpad and ao3!

Next story is out! A lot of thanks to bakachwaan (Wattpad) for the drawing! I had a great deal of fun writing this! Was laughing the whole way! Their idea and drawing are just perfect to show a day in the life of our chaotic Whitebeard pirates!

Absolutely perfect! I am ecstatic to have your participation in this event! The trust put into me! I hope you enjoy this story a lot!

Izou wants to learn how to cook, and who is Thatch to decline that effort!

They just need to get some taste-testers, that can't die, and can get started right away!

What could possibly go wrong?

tags

Crack-fic

Funny

Chaos

"E-excuse me?"

Izou rolled his eyes, "don't act like you didn't hear me."

"... Can you... still repeat it?"

"Fine. I want to learn how to cook."

"Oh god, someone catch me, I'l going to faint-AW! IZ!" Thatch whined loudly, holding his head that had been hit with a fan.

The same fan moved to elegantly wave before the geisha's face, "Don't overreact, I just want to learn to do a bit of basic cooking."

"But why? You've not touched a pot in like... 5 years! And the last time was on a mission and we had to send a rescue squat because the boat burned down!"

"That stove malfunctioned."

"YOU THREW OIL ONTO THE STOVE!"

"Yes." Izou nodded like nothing was wrong, "to get the fire started."

Thatch sighed, "first of all, it was a gas-burner, you don't need oil. Second of all, you don't need to spray any oil or gas on it yourself, you just turn the button until it clicks. It will release gas and make a spark itself."

"There were no such instruction with that."

"... What do you want to learn to cook? You know I'll make you whatever you want right?"

"Well, maybe I want to make something for you."

"Huh?" Thatch blinked at the murmur, "You want to cook for me? Ooh izzz!" Thatch smiled brightly and moved to hug the other, but quickly stopped as the fan was held out with a warning.

"I said, I want to learn how to make some basic things. Soup, eggs, omelet, pancakes. Basic and easy things."

Smile still on his face the cheff nodded, "We can do that! But... We'll need some tastetesters."

"We can just-"

"Ohhh nonononon, I don't want to be violently sick after tasting-"

"So you're saying I'm going to fuck up?"

"I'm saaaayiiinggg, that there is a learning curve."

Eyes squinted, not being sure that's what was meant but in the end he gave in, "alright, who do we ask."

"The only people that can eat everything and not die ofcourse!"

A few minutes later in the galley

"Why are we here again-yoi?"

"Now now now! Don't worry my brother!" Thatch said as he had his hands on Marco's shoulders, leading him to sit down at the bar close to the kitchen.

"... You're making me worry a lot. You know I am busy." The blond spoke in a matter of fact and moved to just get back up.

"Oooooooooh Marco!"

"Ace?" The blond asked looking to his side as their youngest took a seat next to him.

"Yea! Where you invited too? You're going to join me?"

Without words the first commander sat back down, not seeing the grin on Thatch's and Izou's face, "Ehm yea... yea."

"That's so nice! I wonder what we're going to get! I always love these events Thatch holds randomly!"

An eyebrow raised to the chef who quickly disappeared into the kitchen with Izou, so he looked to the raven, "He does this more often with you? What's going on-yoi?"

"It's an all-you-can-eat get what you get!"

"What?"

"We're going to get lots of food! All different surprise things!"

"So we're taste-testers?"

"What?"

The confusion in the other was cute, so he tried to explain, "Izou followed Thatch into his sacred kitchen, so probable he's going to cook and we need to see if it's even edible."

The raven head cocked, "Why wouldn't it be edible? We wouldn't be invited if there were inedible things. Thatch just had an itch to cook, so we're the lucky ones to be allowed to eat it!"

"The lucky ones." Marco had to hold back a snort, because the two of them were definitely the people on board thatch would be invited to taste possible inedible things. He couldn't die even of poison, and Ace... Ace had a special stomach.

"Yea!" The raven smiled brightly, kicking his legs under the table as he looked to the kitchen, "I wonder what we're going to get first! You're excited too, right, Marco?"

As the innocent eyes of a happy teen looked to him, he couldn't help a soft smile back, "...sure-yoi."

"Thatch-yoi."

"Yes, my bestest brother?"

"Why is Ace's soup trying to crawl out of its plate?"

"... It's crawling soup."

"I thought I had the same thing?"

"You do."

"..." Marco was quiet for a moment as he regarded his own plate of obviously a vegetable soup with some form of meat, looks to be fish. It was not made by thatch as the cuts of the vegetables and meat were uneven, but it looked edible. Ace's on the other hand...

"Ace, dear, hit it with your spoon if it tries to escape. It's... it makes the crawler soup more delicious."

"Oooh Thanks for the tip, Izou!"

"... No problem." Izou whispered as Ace started to slam onto the almost tentacle like arm trying to pull itself out of the plate. He didn't even add any squid, how was that in there? And how did Marco's plate turn out well when the only thing Thatch helped with in that batch is stir the pot?

Thatch in the meanwhile had a staring match with Marco, Marco trying to make him admit that something went wrong with Ace's plate.

"Do you want to switch with, Ace?"

"... No thank you..."

"Then eat."

"..."

"..."

"Fine-yoi."

"We can dig in?"

"... We can."

With a cheer the raven gave another hit to the soup before scooping up the part trying to get away the fastest and shoved it in its mouth.

Marco almost choked on his own bite as he saw Ace's cheek bulge, something pushing to get out before it was swallowed down.

"This got some spice to it!"

Izou laughed nervously, "y-yea, do you like it?"

"Yea!"

"Good... good... How is yours, Marco?"

The blond shook out of his dumbfounded state and took another spoonful of soup. "The broth is okay." he spoke while he took another spoon, this time making sure there were some veggies on it. "Hmm, I guess it's a preference, but the carrot is a little bit hard on the inside, I like mine soft all the way through in soup."

"Acting like you have no teeth."

"Thatch, I will- Thank you, Izou". Marco nodded gratefully after Izou slapped the pompadour and he went on with his review. Eating the soup slowly. Nothing really wrong with it, it was just okay-!

Flames bursted from his mouth the same time he felt a stab to his gums. Opening his mouth he felt inside and pulled out a pin bone. He didn't react to it much and just put it at the side of his plate. It could happen, it's hard to be sure you got all of them out.

"So... what did you think?" Izou asked after the plates were empty.

"It was goo-" Ace got interrupted by a burp, firing coming out with it but the teen didn't seem to mind, "good! I like this crawler soup. It's fun to need to hit it haha"

"Thank you Ace. Marco?"

"For the first dish, honestly, Izou, not bad at all. It was okay, a plain soup. Can use a little more seasoning, but it was good. Just be careful of the pin bones." Marco pointed to the small stack of bones he made.

"... Sorry."

"It's okay." Marco gave a reassuring smile, "De-boning a fish takes practice. My flames didn't need to kick in to keep me alive, goodjob-yoi."

With a small proud look, Izou took the plates and disappeared into the kitchen again to start on the next item.

In the kitchen

"Alright, that soup went okay." Thatch pushed up his sleeved and washed his hands again, urging Izou to do the same. "We're going to start with some simple pancakes now."

"Fluffy pancakes?"

Taking the ingredients and putting then on the counter, Thatch hummed, "we can certainly try. But no matter if they become fluffy or more flat, the taste should stay the same anyway."

Izou nodded, drying his hands and joining Thatch. "what first?"

"We're going to crack the eggs and put them in the bowl. Since we're just making some to test, 3 eggs should be enough."

"The whole egg? Or like we need to separate the yellow and white."

"The whole thing-"

CRACK

"... Izou... Did you just... Throw the whole egg into the bowl."

"Yea, you said the whole thing."

Thatch rubbed the bridge of his nose, taking Izou's bowl and putting it aside, giving a new clean one to the geisha. "Let me rephrase. Yes, we need the yellow and the white-"

"See!"

"We DO NOT need the egg-shell."

"...extra crunch..."

"..."

"..."

"You want me to put eggshell into your pancakes next time?"

"... No please."

"Alright, then we're restarting. Let me show you." Thatch took a new egg and tapped it on the counter before holding it above the bowl with the full egg inside and prayed it open, releasing the contents inside and throwing the egg into the food waste basket. "Now you try."

"Okay, take the egg." Izou voiced everything he was doing, "tap it on the counter. And release the egg... release the egg... Why is it not opening!"

Thatch laughed, "Tap it a little harder, but be careful-"

CRASH

"To not tap it too hard..."

"..."

"..."

"Can I take a new egg?"

"Yea... go ahead." Thatch voiced while he got a rag, cleaning the demolished egg on the counter.

"Is there a technique?"

"It's not really technique." Thatch said as he cleaned up, putting it all aside, "You need to get a feel for how hard you need to tap, let me help you."

The chef stood next to the geisha and placed his hand over the other that held the egg, guiding the hand to tap the egg on the counter with the strength it usually took the crack an egg.

"Then, take it above the bowl and pray the egg open. Even I will sometime need to pray it open a bit, the shell thickness can vary between eggs. So a hit strong enough for one, will not be strong enough for the other. It just takes a bit of practice to figure it out."

Izou nodded and tried the next one all by himself.

"I did it!"

"Goodjob, Iz! One more!"

Confident the geisha went and added the last egg, eagerly waiting for the instructions of the next steps.

They added the flour and sugar, sifting it before-

"STOP THAT'S SALT! WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THAT!" Thatch flew to stop the white crystals from falling into the mixture of egg and flour, jamming his hands under the sift and hurrying to push it next to the bowl.

"I took it. Marco said the soup needed more seasoning, so I'm adding some salt to this."

"No no no no, not everything needs salt! Pancakes are a sweet, they don't need this type of seasoning, I promise that the sugar is enough."

"If Marco says there is not enough seasoning..."

"Then I'll take the blame, I promise."

"Hmm, okay... What do I do with this salt now?"

Thatch looked to the salt in the sift, it was contaminated with the flour that had just gone through, he couldn't put it back... "I'll use it for Ace's mix."

"I thought you said it you didn't need it."

"I don't." Thatch cradled the sift and moved it over his bowl before sifting the salt into it. "But I'll try to balance it out... somehow. And besides, its Ace... Together with the crunch of the egg, he'll love it."

"True. Okay, only sugar as seasoning."

"Only sugar. Afterwards we add the milk until the batter is smooth and we can start making pancakes."

...

"That shade of foundation is a little too white for you, Thatch dear."

"Really? I'll try to think of it next time that I'm standing next to you whisking flour."

"Good plan. Do I replace what I lost?"

"..." Thatch thought while he cleaned his face with a rag, "No, we don't know how much got out, it doesn't look to be too much. We'll just add a little less milk. I'll tell you when to stop pouring."

Nodding the geisha continued, following instruction until Thatch took over by his request. Whisking was hard on his arms!

In the galley

Marco POV

While waiting, Marco had pulled out some paperwork he had in his pockets. He was always prepared for his siblings pulling him away to who knows what place and keep him from paperwork. They didn't understand he had a lot to do, so he made sure to have some with him to finish when they didn't look.

Though... right now he took it out to escape Ace's gaze. He knew the raven was... build differently. Didn't get the usual up bringing one usually got and even if he somehow learned manners, a lot of his antics were out of the ordinary.

Still... why was he staring at him so much!? After the pancakes had gone back to the kitchen, the gray eyes hadn't left him! He felt them pierce into his soul. He tried so hard to just focus on his paperwork, but all was in vein and eventually he just put it away and looked directly at Ace.

The raven seemed to smile at it, yet didn't say anything back. Was there something on his face?

Carefully he took a napkin and wiped around his mouth, moving it away when the raven giggled.

! There was something on his face? And did he smudge it by rubbing? Why else did he giggle?! And why isn't Ace just telling him what was up?!

Taking a clean side of the napkin he wetted it and moved over his whole face, uncaring of the explosion coming from the kitchen, Thatch had it covered. Probably. He was now focused on getting his face clean.

Slowly he removed the napkin, saw Ace still grinning and promptly wiped again. WHAT WAS ON HIS FACE!?

Ace POV

Those pancakes had a really nice crunch to it! And he never had spicy pancakes before! Thatch was making some real nice things for him today. And with Marco by his side, this was the best all-you-can-eat randomizer he got invited too.

With that his gaze traveled to his partner. Marco. It was so nice the first commander joined him. He was always so busy, so he should relax.

Oh?

A little after he was observing the other, he moved a hand to his pocket and.. Pulled out papers? And a quill? How was that even in there. Interesting.

He watched as the other scribbled on the paper, it looked to elegant as the feather danced over the paper.

Blue eyes looking down in concentration. Blond tufts barely falling forward as the other looked down.

Suddenly Marco put it all away and looked at him. He couldn't hold back a smile as the yellow spikes shot back up. Sticking every way possible, it made him think off- a pineapple!

After Marco wiped his face, he let out a giggle as the other's mouth became visible. Oh my god. He was a pineapple with a face!

Every time the napkin covered the face and was taken off he giggled. It was like a pineapple playing Peek-a-boo!

Napkin on face – Where's the bored cute pineapple?

Napkin removed – THERE HE IS!

Thatch was somehow really into it too! Screaming when Marco became visible. He must have thought an actual pineapple replaced Marco's head!

With Izou and Thatch

"PUT IT OUT!" Thatch screamed as he dodged an exploding egg.

"I'M TRYING!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"DON'T YELL!"

"WE WERE JUST MAKING AN OMELETT HOW IS EVERYTHING ON FIRE!?"

"I DON'T KNOW! HOW IS THIS PAN EVEN ON FIRE, ISN'T IT IRON?!" Izou screamed on top of his lungs, somehow still holding the burning omelet and pan in his haki coated hands. "DO SOMETHING?!"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO! THE STOVE IS ALREADY OFF! THE OMELET SHOULD LONG BE GONE AND NOTHING SHOULD EVEN BE ABLE TO BE ON FIRE ANYMORE!"

"WELL IT'S STILL BURNING ISN'T IT!? If this catches onto my kimono, I'm burning your pompadour."

"You- You wouldn't dare!" Thatch gasped at the threat."

"I WILL IF YOU DON'T FIX THIS!"

Thatch grasped onto his own hair, trying to figure out what was going on. They were just making an omelet, literally everything went well. No shell in the mix, no salt used unnecessary, the first omelet had already been on a plate and looked really good. AND THEN IT ALL CAUGHT FIRE! LIKE- EVERYTHING!

First the omelet in the pan had caught fire. So, Thatch hurried to turn off the stove and put a lid over the omelet to take away the oxygen so the fire would die. Midst relieve that it was over, did the omelet that was plated 5 minutes ago catch on fire from who knows what! So he moved the lid to the omelet on the plate, the fire in the pan already long out. AND THEN THE BURNED OMLET IN THE PAN AAAAAANNDDD THE PAN ITSELF CAUGHT ON FIRE WHILE IZOU WAS TRYING TO THROW THE BURNED OMLET AWAY!

LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?

How does he go about extinguishing a fire he doesn't know the cause off- wait... they had to do this lots of times before...

"ACE! GET IN HERE!"

Seconds later the raven was next to them, not minding the fire from the pan jumping to his head and burning on top of his raven hairs, "yea?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Put out the fire, please."

An eyebrow was raised but with a snap of the fingers the flames died all around them.

"Thank you."

"Is this the next meal?" Ace pointed to the charred-up pan in Izou's hand.

"Yea.. Or well, that was-"

"Thanks! I'll take this out!"

"Wait, Ace! That's not-"

Izou stopped the chef from running after the teen, "Let him have it..."

"Iz, that's not edible!"

"Nothing's been edible for normal beings that he had, Thatch-dear. And look how happy he is."

"He kind of is-"

"And it caught on fire again."

"What?!"

Izou nodded and pulled Thatch to the door, pushing him to look through the small windows into the galley. The sight showed Ace and Marco sitting together, a charred omelet before them. A charred omelet that had small flames flickering over them.

"What the fuck- they're eating it?!"

"They look to be enjoying it, even Marco." Izou looked impressed as the blond cut a slice and put the flaming piece into his mouth, nodding a little as he swallowed.

"... Crazy flame users..."

"So, are we trying again?"

"Nope! Nope nope nope!" Thatch crossed his arms as he looked to the geisha, "We're skipping omelets for today, or maybe for forever. Let's clean up the kitchen and we can try making a simple bacon sandwich next. To end the lesson on a good note."

"..."

"What?"

"I'm not touching your cleaning products."

"Why not?"

Izou showed his hands, "do you see these nails? I painted them this morning and each hand took an hour. I'm not going to get chemicels on them."

"... Then..." Thatch reached into a shelve nearby and pulled out something hot pink, taking a step closer to the geisha, "You'll just have to wear these."

"Wh-what? No way! They clash with my tyrian purple kimono- GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"GET BACK HERE! WE'RE CLEANING THIS MESS TOGETHER!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLPPPPP! FASHION MURDER! FASHION MUUUURRRRRDDDDDDDEEEEERRRRRRR!"

On deck

"Pops?"

"Yes, Vista?"

"Ehm... Should we-"

"No."

"But, they're-"

"Okay. They're okay and are doing just fine on their own."

"... alright pops..."