The day after All Stars

Courtney was messed up after the season ended. She still was thinking back to the balloon and her almost dying there. But more importantly, reflecting on her thoughts at that moment: Duncan. He was the only thing she could think about when preparing for her untimely death. But she made it out, with her body and pride mostly intact. But she couldn't believe her thoughts at that moment and what she confessed to Chef and herself in her moment of weakness: she still loved Duncan! After everything that punk did, she still loved him, and he apparently loved her still.

"Ugh, why does it have to be so difficult?" She thought to herself. "He betrayed me and broke my heart, how can I still love him after everything?" But then she remembered quote from one of those romance novels she read a lot as a kid:

"What is romance anyway?

Real love is always chaotic.

You lose control; you lose perspective.

You lose the ability to protect yourself.

The greater the love, the greater the chaos.

It's a given and that's the secret."

"Chaos", now that was a perfect description for their relationship Courtney thought. They've never been a conventional couple: she was an overachiever from a rich family. This always caused Duncan to call her "Princess", which she always said she hated, while secretly loving this pet name. Of course, she would never admit it to Duncan, that would make her look weak, or so she thought. He, meanwhile, was a bad boy delinquent from a strict family of cops, who seemed to care more about their rules than him. Just like Courtney herself did at some point.

Chaos or not, their love was the best thing that happened to Courtney, that's why it hurt her so much when he cheated on her out of nowhere and with Gwen of all people! And what happened after, could only be described as public humiliation. Her falling for Alejandro's manipulation and actually believing he liked her. And it got to the point when even after she was eliminated and joined her friend Bridgette in Aftermath studio she saw Al's confessional where he admitted he used her to get further into the game, she still didn't want to believe it and helped him in the Finale!

"Oh, how could you be this stupid and gullible Courtney?" She thought to herself, "it's not you, it's his vile lies and manipulation".

But where did it leave her with Duncan? She thought to herself, as she did something she never wanted to and opened her walk-in closet. It was a size of a large bathroom, not that Courtney had so many clothes. In fact 90% of her wardrobe was the same outfit she wore almost daily: green capris, blouse and sweater on top. The rest of it was filled with some dresses and clothes for more formal occasions (like opera nights). At the deepest corner of this closet was a secret compartment which was Courtney's target. She opened it and dragged a big box with a hastily written note "never open this Courtney, you hear me? Nothing in this box but pain and suffering!" She wrote that the night she returned after World Tour and threw all the things that reminded her of Duncan in this box. She remembered that so vividly as if it happened yesterday.

"Am I really going to open this?" She thought to herself, "what if it only makes it worse, and I fall for that idiot even more?" But then Courtney remembered her CIT training, there was a whole section about psychology, which she studied with great interest, probably more than was needed, and remembered a section about near-death experiences in one of the books.

"When positive, which the great majority are, such experiences may encompass a variety of sensations including detachment from the body, feelings of levitation, total serenity, security, warmth, joy, the experience of absolute dissolution, review of major life events".

In her case she could only think about Duncan all this time, she still had so many feelings for him despite his cheating and betrayal. The feeling was so intense she couldn't think about anything else.

"No, I have to open this damn box" Courtney mumbled to herself, as she started tearing the tape from the box. She sealed it pretty well last time, despite how distressed she was back then. After a few minutes she managed to tear the box open, and its contents spilled on the floor. She picked up the first and most important thing as she immediately noticed it.

Wooden carving of a skull, the one Duncan gifted her the night she was rigged out of competition in season 1. As she was holding it in her hands she felt the carving on the back, not there originally. She added it herself as she was waiting for show to end in luxury resort during season 1. "DxC" was carved very badly on the back of the skull. She didn't have the experience with wood carving, at least not as much as Duncan did. As she rubbed her finger on the skull she remembered that fateful night. The night when everything seemed perfect, until it wasn't and Harold rigged the votes. She was dragged to the dock of losers by Chris and Chef and away from Duncan. They just became a couple, and he was gone from her life for 4 weeks. As she remembered that time, tears started falling down her face. This skull meant more to her than she would ever want to admit to anyone.

As she started looking through the contents of the box now spilled all over the floor she noticed familiar black t-shirt with yellow skull on it, it still smelled terrible, just like Wawanakwa. But she loved that smell for some reason. It was Duncan's smell, the one she could never resist. His brutish charm and manners always annoyed her, or at least that's what she would tell him, while secretly it always turned her on. She picked it up and sniffed it. "Still smells like him" she thought to herself as she put the t-shirt aside.

As Courtney was going through all the stuff spilled in front of her she noticed their paparazzi photos and broken camera. After Action, the 2 of them did become Canada's biggest celebrity couple for a while. Those annoying paparazzi followed them everywhere. It got so out of hand they couldn't go anywhere without being recognized. And during their amusement park date it got so annoying, Duncan lashed at one of the paparazzi and broke his camera. She treasured this broken thing as a reminder of what Duncan would do for her. He did get arrested for this after all. Until she bailed him out. Good thing she was intimately familiar with Canada's laws and criminal law especially. She studied it just in case Duncan would get arrested again. And it did come in handy after all. "What sentence would he get for blowing up Chris's mansion?" Courtney asked herself, "probably between 2-5 years, maybe less if he had a good lawyer". "But of course he doesn't have a lawyer, despite me telling him multiple times that he should get one, just in case something like this happened! I could have my lawyers help him out and probably reduce the sentence to the minimum" she thought "why would I do it after he betrayed me?" She angrily replied to herself. "But if only I could see and talk to him then I could decide whether he deserved my help or not." But she wasn't ready for that conversation with Duncan now, and Courtney knew it. After she broke down on the movie lot the day before, she couldn't allow herself to show weakness like this again! But for some strange reason, it felt good to get her true feelings and thoughts out there to someone. Even if that someone was Chef of all people! Courtney never expected him to show so much sympathy to anyone. Maybe there was more to that former soldier than she realized.

She went through the contents of the box again as she saw more mementos of Duncan: the hair gel he forgot about, a spay can of green paint when he taught her how to make graffiti, his spare dog collar, stuffed animals he gifted her, her own switchblade courtesy of Duncan, movie ticket to the "Avatar" which she dragged Duncan to see to support fellow Canadian artist James Cameron. Funny enough Duncan ended up loving the movie, while she hated it. A sketch of their matching tattoos Duncan drew, but Courtney chickened out last minute, and they settled for temporary tattoos instead. And then she finally found the heaviest and most disgusting item from the box - a stack of notarized papers 32 pages long. As she pulled it out of the pile she started crying. This was the proof she hated herself, why else would she write it, anybody would ask?

Courtney remembered what Chef told her yesterday, "you can't secure relationship with legal documents, you just have to be honest with each other!" She still could recall the night she wrote the letter, she and Duncan were both still denying their feelings for each other, despite clearly being in love. She let her competitive personality and desire to win take priority over her boyfriend. His nonchalant demeanor didn't help situation either as he was constantly teasing and antagonizing her. Courtney was afraid she and Duncan won't last, so she did the only thing she thought was reasonable and wrote a legally binding letter to save their relationship. Looking back at it now, she realized how stupid it was. Chef was right, she should have just honestly told Duncan her true feelings and fears and discussed them together as a couple. But she didn't, and it's what drove him away. Courtney angrily threw the letter out of the closet. She then picked up all mementos and brought them out to her room.

As she laid them out on the floor, her tears only intensified, as she saw her failed romance with her dream boyfriend laid out in front of her. She loved Duncan so much, and after a year of repressing memories of him she finally admitted she still loved him, missed him and wanted him back. But she wasn't ready yet, and Courtney knew it. As she was walking circles around her room her eyes caught the letter that landed in the corner. She picked it up and started angrily tearing it in pieces. It felt better for a moment, but then Courtney remembered that she had a better way of destroying it. She walked to her desk and pulled out the shredder from under it. She then started shredding what was left of the letter page by page. It felt good seeing that thing destroyed. She then threw the scraps out of the window, cursing in the process. As pieces were floating away in the wind, it made Courtney feel better.

"I need someone to talk to about all this" Courtney said out loud. "Not just a therapist, a friend." And Courtney only had one person in the word she could call friend…