Author's Note: Sorry, sorry, sorry. I don't like waiting this long between chapters either. With Easter, and my birthday in there too, I've been a little busy. I'm also sorry because I got one detail wrong—it is illegal in New York for a therapist to have sex with a patient. We'll just ignore that fact for purposes of this story, because I can't change it now. I'm also sorry for leaving you on a cliffhanger. I know, I'm evil.

Holding Out for a Hero

Chapter Six

Part One

Stars started to pop into the clear night sky outside Olivia's apartment window, causing the heaviness of sleep to drag her down once more. But she folded her arms and leaned against the window sill to prop up her weary body. Being awake in the world was necessary but tedious. She could hear Elliot's breath catch from behind her every time she spoke.

"Go on, Liv," Carisi said.

She couldn't face him while she described the situation; her humiliation was too evident in her heated cheeks. "So, that first time, he just said some words, and I guess I was hypnotized."

"You guess? How do you know?"

Now it was anger heating her face instead of embarrassment, and she spun around to face him. "I don't know, Carisi. Because I did what he said, and you know I wouldn't do that."

Carisi had that intense look on his face that he used when he was practicing his witness examination. She wished now that she had let another detective take down the details, but she figured that if she used her favorite DA that she would only have to tell her story once. "Well, what was he telling you to do?"

"I, um…first it was just little stuff, like…I don't know. Something about wiggling my thumb. And then he started asking me to do more."

The room grew so silent that she felt like lint would make a sound if it landed. He was waiting for her to say more, but she had to force out every word. Finally, his voice cut through the quietness, startling her with the sharp contrast. "Like what? What did he ask you to do?"

She covered her face with her hand, unable to bear the thought that she had followed Dr. Wagner's instructions so willingly. "Well, I don't know. He said some other stuff first, about how I wanted to do what he asked me to, and that I would do anything for him, and then he told me to…" she swallowed hard. "He said to take off my clothes."

She didn't like the way Carisi's voice softened then. "And did you?"

She nodded.

"That's a yes?"

"Yes."

Although she could have gotten this all over with at the hospital, she liked the idea of being nearly alone in the privacy of her own home, with only people around her who she trusted, and without the victim imagery of hospital gowns and the unpleasant, sterile smell of a medical facility. Elliot had brought her home, and he had stayed through this process when she asked him.

But just because she got to do this at home didn't make it any easier. "What do you want from me, Carisi?"

"What?" It was unsettling to see him caught off guard, shifting from one foot to the other.

"I mean, yeah. He told me what to do, and I followed orders. Like a good little bitch."

Carisi cast his gaze up to the ceiling. "Okay maybe it's time to take a break."

Elliot stepped toward her, hand out. "Liv…would you say that to anyone else in this situation?"

"Of course not!" she snapped. Tears burned her eyes. She rubbed them, keeping her fingers up to her eyes. "The worst part is, I feel like he's still in my head."

He touched the back of her arm, only for a moment, but it was just enough to make her feel like she wasn't a disposable piece of garbage. Why am I thinking that?

Elliot's gentle voice interrupted her self-deprecating thoughts. "He's not here, Liv. You're safe."

She tensed all her muscles to avoid breaking down, but she had to pant to hold back the tears. Crying was unbearable, after doing so much of it. So she sucked in one long, deep breath, and closed her eyes for a moment. "I don't know, am I safe? I keep thinking, what if he left some obscure command in my head, one that doesn't seem like a big deal now but turns out to be when I do whatever horrific thing he makes me do?"

Carisi, who had been listening with his head bent in silence, finally spoke. "Look, Liv, I think this is getting too hard for you right now. Why don't we just finish la—"

"No. I want to get it over with." She took a moment to collect her thoughts and place herself back into memories she'd rather just forget. "He told me to take of my clothes, and I did. He told me to go to him and touch him, and…and…have sex with him, and that's what I did, without even pausing." She couldn't look at them while they stared at her, so she sat down on her couch and covered her lap with a pillow. "And then he told me to go on with my day, like nothing unusual ever happened. And I did."

"So…so you remembered what happened?" Carisi said.

"Yeah. I walked around for days like that, returning to his office every single day, and then going about my day like everything was normal."

Elliot was quick to interject. "But you knew it wasn't. Because I saw the changes in you. You may have tried to hide your feelings about it, but—"

"—But I knew inside," she put her hand over her chest. "I knew it wasn't right."

Her voice cracked, and she shook her head, unable to get the words out anymore. Carisi said softly, "Okay, Liv. That's enough for tonight. I have enough for a report. We have him sitting in a holding cell right now. Fin took his best crack at him, and I had to pull him out because I thought the guy was going to lose his teeth to Fin's fist, but he wasn't talking and he lawyered up pretty quickly. His arraignment's in the morning."

Olivia stared at a moisture ring on her coffee table. "I'll be there."

"You don't have to go."

She looked up at Carisi. "I'll be there."

"Okay. I'll see you in the morning then." He touched her shoulder. "Try to get some sleep. I know it's been a hard day."

After Carisi left, the extra space in the room became awkward, and Olivia suddenly had no idea how to handle the calm distance between her and Elliot. Apparently, he had qualms about how to handle the margins in the middle of the room, because he just stood with his arms folded, shuffling his feet.

Great. Untouchable, just like I thought.

She couldn't make the first move here, because she was now his inferior once more, after decades of being below him, waiting for him to initiate an interaction. She never thought these feelings of inadequacy would return to her. She was a captain, she ran a squad. But he'd managed to make her feel unwanted for so long, like she was just an afterthought in his busy life. Now, with Wagner exercising complete control over her, could she really say she was worthy of being anyone's equal?

Finally, he gave up his spot of pacing on the carpet and came to her side, squatting in front of her. "Liv. I hope you realize that there was nothing you could have done to prevent this." She scoffed, and he tentatively rested his hand on her knee. "No, I mean it. This wasn't your fault."

She couldn't look him in the face. "I don't know about that, El. I know that technically you're right. But I can't help feeling that I've been down this road so many times before that there must be something wrong with me. And now, a therapist? I thought I at least had good judgment about that."

He sat down next to her on the couch, as if he was trying to catch her gaze. "If there's anything wrong about you, anything vulnerable, it's that you're a good person. Assholes tend to go for the good ones."

She didn't know what to say, so she just sat and concentrated on keeping tears locked tight inside her. He looked at her necklace, the one with the compass, that she still wore even after everything that had happened with Wagner. As if he'd just now noticed it, he reached up and touched it, brushing his fingers tenderly against her skin in the process.

Now she raised her face so that her gaze locked on him, and the prickles on her skin made her gasp, causing her to grip his arm. He stroked her cheek, their eyes still locked, and her stomach fluttered. "Liv, I'm…I'm sorry I left you all those years ago. I should have stayed."

She started to shake her head, but he said, "No, no. Maybe if I'd stayed, things could have been different."

"El, now's probably not a good time—" She started to choke up and realized that that was the real reason she didn't want him saying all this. She'd wanted to hear it for so long, but now she thought that if his words caused her to break down, she might never surface from the flood of sobs that would grip her.

"Okay, okay. I just…I just wanted you to know how I felt, because I've had regrets ever since. I missed you so much, and I feel like if I'd been here, maybe some of the stuff that happened while I was gone—I don't know—maybe it wouldn't have happened. I could have been there to protect you."

She stood and walked a few steps away, wiping her cheek. He got up and stood behind her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be saying this, I just—"

Torn between turning toward him and running away, she gave in to the magnetic pull of him and spun around to wrap her arms around him, holding her head against his neck. It took a second for him to react, but then he held her, and it was so perfect for her in this moment, his body fitting so naturally with hers, that a rush of warmth flowed through her, making her forget the whole incident with Wagner for a few blissful seconds.

"Just don't leave me now," she whispered.
"I promise I won't," he murmured into her ear, causing a soft rush of air from his breath to tickle her cheek. "From now on, I will never leave you again."

Part Two

Olivia looked down at her black shoes, trying to slink down and make herself as small as possible in the courtroom. She didn't have to testify today, thank God, but she couldn't even force herself to sit in the front row and glare at the back of Wagner's head, so she was in a more distant aisle with Elliot next to her. She yawned. Getting dressed in the morning, she'd felt like a slug. The doctor had prescribed her some sort of medication to help her sleep and calm her racing heart, and she'd had a hard time functioning after that. Elliot had kept his word and stayed at her house, sleeping on the couch. It seemed like an unbearable distance at the time, but she felt more at ease just knowing he was there.

The one thing she hoped the most today was that Wagner didn't speak. If she heard his voice, she might get dizzy at the way she'd felt compelled by it. And she couldn't help but fear that she might be pulled by it once more, and that thought was oppressive.

When Carisi came in, she kept her eyes on him, not wanting to get a glimpse of the man who'd had so much control over her. Elliot scooted a little closer to her and held her hand, and she didn't pull away, liking the way his touch soothed her. She glanced at him, and he was staring at Wagner with such ferocity that she thought she saw veins popping in his neck.

"The court calls the case of State versus Wagner," said the judge. Olivia began to sweat, hoping she could make it through the proceedings.

"You're honor, we're here on the arraignment of Dr. Mark Wagner, for rape in the first degree," Carisi said with his confident lawyer voice. "Dr. Wagner is a therapist, and he stands accused of having sexual intercourse with one of his patients under hypnosis, during several sessions. We're asking he be remanded due to the serious nature of the crime."

"Defense?"

Wagner's attorney shuffled some papers in preparation, and Wagner turned his head to look for Olivia in the audience. He smiled. She froze, Elliot's hand gripping hers the only tether to reality.

"You're Honor, these charges are specious at best. Dr. Wagner entered a consensual relationship with a client, and while unethical, his actions hardly arise to the level of Rape One. He is pleading not guilty. And with his ties to the community with his established career and his unique area of expertise, he is not a flight risk and asks to be released on a signature bond."

Olivia was still frozen, unable to dash the memory of Wagner watching her as if she was his prey. She tried hard to breathe, but it felt like a bus had been parked on her chest. She closed her eyes, but all she could see was Wagner's salivating stare as she lowered herself onto him during their last "session" together.

"You okay, Liv?" Elliot whispered to her.

"Yeah, yeah," she said as quietly as she could. "I'll be fine."

But she gripped his hand so hard she thought she might hurt him.

"I'm going to order a bond of fifty-thousand, ten percent. The Defendant is to stay away from the alleged victim…" The judge looked down at the file, and his face crumpled. "Olivia Benson. Well, I'm sorry to hear that."

Olivia's chest got tighter, not because the judge, who she knew well, had outed her in court, but because she knew Dr. Wagner could easily come up with the money to free himself as soon as court was over. He would be free. Olivia's vision went from fuzzy to nearly black, narrowing to a pinpoint. She leaned over, gripping the back of the bench seat in front of her for support. Elliot touched her back. "C'mon, let's get you out of here."

Without hesitation, she stood, and her hearing zoned out so that she didn't hear anything else the judge or attorneys said after that point. Elliot grabbed her by the hand and guided her out past the rows of benches, past staring eyes and whispering voices. It wasn't until she got out into the hallway, where her footsteps bounced and echoed around the marble-studded walls, that she leaned against a pillar and bent over to breathe.

Elliot clutched her shoulder. "You okay?"

She nodded. "I will be."

"C'mon, I'll take you home."

Part Three

"I don't want you to answer the door for anyone, and don't answer any phone calls either." Elliot had ahold of her hands, and she nodded in agreement, looking down at their interlaced fingers. He had pretty much not let go of her since the arraignment, and she thought that if he stopped touching her now it would be like someone had vacuumed all the air out of her lungs. "There's going to be a protective detail outside your apartment non-stop, and I don't want any eluding them."

"Yes, Sir."

He smirked at the sarcasm. "I'm sorry for being so protective. I don't like it that he's free." He stroked her hands. "I don't want to leave you, Liv, but—"

"No, Elliot. You're taking off now?"

"I have to, Liv. I'm sorry. I have to check in with my Captain for a few minutes. She knows the situation. She's being very understanding, but there are some things I have to take care of before I take the rest of the week off."

She nodded. Work had to be dealt with. She would be in her office if she could, but she had to take this time off. Personally, she felt much safer at her precinct, but Fin was temporarily in charge while she was gone, since he'd been at SVU the longest, even if he didn't have the highest rank.

"I'll be fine," she said. Noah would be home soon, so she wouldn't be alone for long. Elliot stroked her hair, and she yielded to his hand. "Thank you, Elliot."

"You don't have to keep thanking me. I owe you for everything you've done. And for missing out on major parts of your life."

She searched his face for any signs of insincerity, but there was nothing but genuine tenderness and empathy in his eyes. Those clear blue eyes…she might get lost in them if she didn't look away, but he held her gaze like a magnet. Flutters tickled her stomach, and she edged her chin toward him, telling herself she couldn't go further, shouldn't give in to the desire pulling her lips to him. They were only a hair's width apart now, and it would only take one slight push forward of her face to reach the release of tension that drew her ever forward. Her lips dangerously brushed against his, and she could taste him. She knew this wasn't the time or the right situation, but her throbbing crotch drew her in, and now she crossed the boundary and let her lips grasp his, and he gasped.

His lips still against hers, he spoke. "Liv, I don't think—"

But it was too late now. Her trembling mouth slammed into his, and she opened it to allow her tongue to slip in between his lips and flirt, darting in and out. She moaned lightly, and with every bit of effort she could muster, pulled apart from him and rested her forehead against his. "I know it's not the right time," she whispered. "I couldn't resist."

His hands grasped her hair at the scalp, and a billion tiny sparks lit up her head. Her chest heaved against his, trying to take in enough air.

"Now I'm really sorry I have to leave," he said. "But you're right. We can't do this right now. Even if you want to, I know I can't. Liv, you're still—"

"Healing. I know. I won't ask you for anything else. I just got lost in the moment."

He smiled. "Well you know I won't complain. But before we get caught up again—" He stood, and she sighed. "I better go."

When he walked out, it was as if someone had punched a hole in her heart, and it hurt worse than when the officer had beat her on the park bench. But she only had a moment to miss him before her phone rang. She remembered what Elliot had said about not answering it, but it was Noah. She couldn't just stop being a mom.

She pushed the green phone symbol and held it to her ear. "Noah, I—"

"Be nice."

Olivia froze at the sound of Wagner's voice and shuddered. How in the—?

"Your son is fine. He's right here. I need you to meet me at the subway station at Seventy-seventh Street. I'll be waiting."

Part Four

Elliot was halfway to work when his phone rang. When he saw that it was Noah calling, he swerved to park at the curb while answering. "Noah, what's going on?"

"Uncle Elliot?"

"Yeah, it's me. Is everything okay?" He knew there was a detail following Noah, although Noah hadn't been told, and Elliot hadn't heard anything from the officers tailing him.

Noah's voice took on a higher pitch that sounded a lot like panic. "No! Some guy came up to me and asked to use my phone. Mom told me never to talk to strangers and I know better, so I don't know why I did it."

"It's okay. Slow down, Noah. What did you do?"

"I gave him the phone. He didn't hurt me, and he gave me the phone back, but I think he was talking to my mom."

Elliot squealed into a U-turn, speeding back towards Olivia's apartment. "What did he say?"

"He said to meet her in a subway station. Seventy-seventh, I think?"

"Okay. You didn't do anything wrong, Noah. I want you to go straight home and don't answer the door or the phone for anyone, okay? I'm going to send Aunt Amanda over."

"Okay." His voice grew shaky. "Is Mom okay?"

Elliot cleared his throat, trying not to let his voice crack as he lied to this tortured child. "She'll be fine. You just do what I told you, okay?"

He immediately called Noah's detail, who said they'd lost sight of him for a moment at a busy corner. After admonishing them, he ordered them to make sure they followed him home, and then called Amanda. And then he sped through traffic with his flashing lights on, racing through stop signs and honking at traffic backed up from rush hour.

When he got to the entrance of the station, he saw someone who looked like Olivia slip into the crowd and disappear down the stairs to the subway. Spotting her didn't reassure him—a lot could happen in a few seconds. Without bothering to legally park, he left his flashing lights on and ran to the stairs, leaping down them two and three at a time. When he got to the platform, all he could see was a sea of heads, and then he noticed a crowd congregated a little too densely than the rest, and he rushed over.

He practically swam through the crowd, elbowing his way past people who muttered obscenities at him until he reached the front, which stopped nearly at the edge of the platform. Many in the crowd were just waiting for the approaching train, which made a low rumbling in the distance, but a few were staring at something, and finally he spotted what they were watching.

Olivia stood on the edge of the platform, one foot lifted precariously over the ledge above the subway rail. "Don't do it!", yelled one man, who started to lunge for her but looked afraid he might accidentally push her over the edge.

"Liv!" Elliot only paused for a moment, and then he darted toward her, watching in horror as she stepped right off the edge of the platform and disappeared into the emptiness below.