Author's Note 1:
Hello all! Welcome to my first multi-chapter fic!
Full disclosure: this is still a WIP. That being said, I might be messing with the timeline of the show a little bit, but I think I'll mostly be sticking to the official timeline. I decided to write this story while I was writing Basic Fact, so, if you have read that story, you will probably notice that I am reusing some things, just in a different way.
I have had this story in my head since I first watched the fourth season back in 2013 and finally decided to give it a shot. Please let me know what you think!
I normally prefer to write from the perspective of Mr. Bates (see my other fics if interested), but this will be written from the perspectives of both Anna and Mr. Bates. I think it makes sense for the story, but let me know if you don't think I'm pulling it off.
Disclaimer: If I owned Downton Abbey the fourth season would never have happened. But, then again, if the fourth season had never happened, I wouldn't have a reason to write this story. So, I guess I will have to live with the trade-off.
"It should be me."
Bates heard the words behind him and froze. He hadn't heard the door open downstairs, and was surprised to hear his wife. He straightened from where he was leaning over the bed and turned toward her.
"Anna-" he began.
"If one of us has to leave, it should be me," she interrupted him.
Anna stood in the doorway, her already-slight figure looking even smaller than normal. The last time Bates had seen her in this room had been terrible. The night of the concert. Two months ago. And they had barely spoken since. He hated seeing her like this. Drawn. Paler than he had ever seen her. Her uniform hanging off of her as though she had lost a great deal of weight in a very short period of time.
Bates looked down at his hand. He was still holding the pair of socks he was about to put in his traveling case when he heard her behind him.
"Mrs. Hughes told me that you'd handed in your notice."
"Anna, I don't know what else to do," Bates tried to explain. It wasn't supposed to be like this between them. Their conversations had never been painful. But here they were. It had come to this.
"Please don't go," Anna whispered. His eyes traced the line of a single tear as it made its way down her cheek. "I don't want you to leave."
"You say that," Bates responded, trying not to sound defensive, "but the way you are with me says otherwise."
"Please stay. Please," Anna begged.
"How can I?" he demanded, his anger rising. How could she ask him to stay here? He was miserable. They both were. "I can't bear to stay here any longer. Not like this."
Anna's face instantly crumbled. This was the first conversation she'd had with him voluntarily in weeks, and he was mucking it all up.
"You don't have to." Anna said. "I can go."
Is that what you want? Bates thought. Did she want to go away? Did she just want to get away from him?
"Anna, help me to understand. Please. Tell me how to fix this." It was his turn to beg. He felt as though his life hung in the balance of this conversation. He would say anything, do anything, to keep her from leaving. To stay with her.
"You can't fix it. You've done nothing wrong."
"You're breaking my heart," he repeated the sentiment from their conversation in the servant's hall, and instantly regretted it. Bates looked up at Anna just as her chin began to quiver.
"And I can't bear it," she said, her voice thick with tears, "I don't want to hurt you any more."
"Then tell me what's going on. Tell me what I did."
Anna shook her head. "I told you. You didn't do anything wrong."
Bates was at a loss. What did she want from him? She swore he hadn't done anything wrong, but she wouldn't let him come near him. She refused to let him touch her. Everything between them had changed overnight. Literally.
He wanted to tell her that he would do anything for her. That he would do anything to keep her in his life. But he was afraid that would just make her withdraw even more. A better man than he would have told her that he could keep his distance. That they could go back to how they were years ago, before he had started courting her. That they didn't have to be as close as they had been since she had professed her love for him.
Anna hadn't given up on him then. She had become exactly the person he needed her to be. She knew that he couldn't be with her in the way she wished him to be. And she hadn't pushed. Anna had been patient. She had been a friend. His best friend.
But Bates wasn't that man. Now that he had had all of Anna, he couldn't go back to the way things were. He couldn't bear to coexist with her in this state. It was slowly killing him.
She was offering to leave him. And he couldn't help but worry that this was exactly what she wanted.
His marriage to Vera had been doomed from the start. But he truly thought that what he had with Anna was forever. If he couldn't make his marriage to Anna work, perhaps he was the problem. Perhaps he simply was not enough.
"I should go," Anna said, breaking through his thoughts and pushing away from the place where she was leaning against the door.
He didn't want her to go. She had been so upset by…something. And she needed the help of people who knew and loved her. Until a few weeks ago, he would have thought that she needed him.
Anna was looking at him with tears in her eyes. Waiting. He had been quiet for several minutes.
"No," he said, willing his voice to remain steady, "it should be me. You need to stay here."
"Don't be silly," Anna started. She had a pained look on her face and stared at the floor when she next spoke, "It will be easier for me to find a job somewhere else."
Anna had once said that there was always work for "a man like him," and he hoped that was true. He knew he was unlikely to ever find a job as fulfilling as being a valet to Lord Grantham. But he had done reasonably well working at the pub in Kirbymoorside. Perhaps he could do the same in Ireland.
Bates hadn't realized it but he had been formulating a plan in his head all along. He would go home. To Ireland. He could stay with his cousin. Hopefully, he would find employment to eventually support himself.
But she was right. Even now, after the war, it was difficult for injured soldiers to find work. It would be much easier for her to find a new job.
"You know I'm right."
Bates looked at his wife. He was physically closer to her than he had been in over a month, but he had never felt further from her. This wasn't who they were. Things had never been awkward between them. The woman standing before him was cold.
"What do you want?" was all he could think to ask. "Tell me what to do; tell me what you want!"
Anna took a deep, shuddering breath and stared at the floor once more. "I want you to stay here. I want you to let me go."
"Do you really? Will that make you happy?" he asked.
"That doesn't matter. I should pack," Anna said, walking forward to pull her traveling case out from under the bed where they stored it and started pulling her clothing out of the wardrobe.
He had not been present when Anna had packed for her recent move back to the big house. He hadn't had to watch.
He couldn't watch now.
Anna had stood by him through everything. His divorce from Vera. A murder trial. A death sentence. A subsequent extended prison sentence. Had he finally pushed her too far?
Bates made his way downstairs, reviewing the last several weeks in his mind. What had he said? What had he done? He paced back and forth, trying to ignore the sounds of Anna upstairs, packing away the life they had built together in a single case. Is this truly what she wants? He wondered. Would this make her happier? Was this the best way to fix whatever was wrong between them? Bates couldn't say. But at this point, he would try anything. If this is what Anna wanted, he would give it to her. He had never been able to deny her anything.
He kept his back turned as he heard Anna descend the stairs and stop behind him. "I'll collect the rest of my things from the house when I tell Mrs. Hughes that I'm going," she said softly.
Bates kept his back to Anna. He couldn't bear to watch her walk out of their home. Out of their life. But he had to know…
"Is this really what you want? Please," he wasn't above begging, "tell me, will this make you happy?"
He heard Anna take a shaky breath behind him, "I don't deserve to be happy."
Bates whipped around to look at her. He couldn't resist any longer. What did that mean? Why did she think that?
Anna wasn't looking at him. She stared straight ahead and said, "I should go," before marching out the door, still refusing to look at him.
And Bates did what he swore he wouldn't since she had arrived at the cottage only a few minutes prior.
He watched her leave.
Anna let herself into the dark house. When she really thought about it, it seemed strange to her that she owned the house, but had only set foot in it twice. Once when she came to visit her late mother-in-law, and once when she came to London with Mrs. Hughes to prepare it for tenants.
It was lucky really that said tenants had left only a few weeks ago. She and Mr. Bates had been trying to decide what to do with the house when the house party had started, and all of their plans were unexpectedly put on hold.
Anna walked through the rooms, taking note of the state of the house. The tenants had left it in quite a state. The kitchen cabinets were full of old food she knew without looking needed to be thrown away. There was a thin layer of dust atop the furniture in both bedrooms and the draws of one of the dressers were open. The beds hadn't been stripped and she felt as though she could almost still see the indentation left by the last person to sleep there. The floors needed a good cleaning, but appeared to be in good shape otherwise.
She returned to the kitchen and sat at the small table. She briefly considered going out to find something to eat, but it was late, and she was exhausted. Physically. Emotionally.
It was hard to think that she would likely never see Downton again. It had been her home for more than half her life. She had, for all intents and purposes, grown up there. She would miss it. Truly. Even when they had briefly discussed buying a hotel, she and Mr. Bates had planned to stay close to Downton and everyone they loved.
And now, here she was. Far away from the life she had planned with her husband.
What am I going to do? Anna asked herself. When she left the cottage, she hadn't had a plan. Anna had taken one of the two keys to the house out of the drawer in Mr. Bates' bedside table at the last moment before she left the bedroom. The second was still in the drawer in the envelope in which the tenants had mailed it back to them. She hoped that he wouldn't be too upset when he realized one was missing.
She had no job and knew no one in London. She had some money, but not enough to live on indefinitely.
She and Mr. Bates had been planning to come down to London in about two weeks to clean the house and determine whether they should rent it to new tenants or sell it and either save the proceeds or use them to purchase a small hotel. Anna wondered vaguely if Mr. Bates would follow through with the plan now that she was not involved. She hoped he would wait at least that long to check on the house. It would give her a little time to figure out her next step.
As Anna stripped the bed in the smallest of the two bedrooms, she started to formulate a plan, or at least the beginning of one. Until she found a job, she would start cleaning the house so that it was ready for the next tenants if Mr. Bates decided to rent it again. In the morning she would buy a copy of The Lady and start looking for a position. A lady's maid position would be preferable, but she would take a job as a housemaid if it was available and she could start quickly. With any luck, she would have a job and would be able to leave the house before Mr. Bates arrived in London to check on it.
Two weeks, she told herself.
Author's Note 2:
Before you say anything - I know that Bates would never allow Anna to leave like this. I know that I had him do something that is completely out-of character for him. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I like to think that I have a pretty good understanding of Anna and Bates and their relationship in general (I literally fell in love with them the second I saw them on screen together). So, I think that I will have them both in character for the rest of the story. If not, feel free to call me out on it.
Thoughts? Did you love it? Did you hate it so much that you think I should go bury my computer in my backyard and never write another word ever again? Leave a review and let me know!
Next chapter coming soon…I hope!