I'm waiting on the roof, Vik.
Give me a lift when you're done.
V put his cell phone away after sending the messages. His eyes rose again to the skyscrapers in front of him, and he watched the city move in silence.
Well, as silent as Night City could be.
That smell of smoke and garbage invaded his nostrils again, and he put his arm over his nose before sneezing. Ah, he hadn't missed that smell, or that intense city noise.
While he waited, he thought about his next steps. Growing up on the streets had given him an experience that few had, since he was one of the lucky ones who managed to get off them. But even years ago, while stealing through the streets, he never felt like NC was really a home for him. Not before, not now.
The question was... once he got what he wanted, where would he go? Money wouldn't exactly be the problem, he could manage, as he always had. But was there anywhere in that shithole country that he could call home? In all honesty, he doubted it. Maybe he would just travel around the country, aimlessly, without an exact destination just to get out of that fucking city.
V gritted his teeth slightly, clenching his hands into fists. As much as he hated the place, Night City was all he knew. His eyes dropped to the floor, and he lightly clutched the pendant to his chest.
As if the person in mind knew he was thinking of her, the door to the roof opened, and his eyes focused on the blonde figure approaching, and as soon as she saw her, her eyes lit up in excitement and a smile formed on her face.
"V!" Misty called out excitedly, approaching at a fast pace as V stood up, also with a smile on his face. "Holy shit, and I couldn't believe it when Vik told me." She said, before entwining the man in her arms and pulling him into a hug.
V squeezed her back, happy to see the girl again. They held each other for a few moments, longer than usual, partly because V was more in need of a hug than he had the courage to admit.
"Misty... damn, I wouldn't recognize you if I saw you on the street." He said after they had broken off the hug. Damn, she'd changed. "Is that... Jackie's jacket?" He asked, and the girl shook her head.
"Yeah... it's mine now, I don't think he'd mind." She joked, resulting in a brief smile from V. "You're almost the same as I remember. You've lost a bit of weight, and you've cut your hair, but apart from that..." Misty said, and V shook his arm as he sighed.
The girl's words only reminded him that he would never be the way he was. And he still sucked.
"Time has kind of stopped for me. But definitely not for you. You look great." He said, and Misty arched an amused eyebrow.
"V, you and your peculiar way of complimenting a girl. You call me old and then say I look good?" She joked.
"Oh come on, you know that's not what I meant." V said, and Misty nodded at him. They both walked to the edge of the roof again, and sat down next to each other.
"What are you doing here? Vik said you'd moved out." V asked, watching the girl cross her legs.
"Well, I'm leaving NC soon. I came here to wrap up some things. Then Vik told me about you. Tell me, how are you? You look good." Misty asked, and V almost couldn't hold back the disdainful smile.
"Honestly. I feel fucking worthless... Fuck, at this point, I don't doubt that I could get beaten up by a bunch of cheap thieves. The kind that wouldn't have taken me three seconds to deal with before." He said, resting his arms on his knees and leaning his body slightly forward.
There, it felt... peaceful, and the city even looked a little prettier than it really was. Maybe it was just the nostalgia, or the good company.
"Why do you say that? What happened?" Misty asked, and V just shook his head.
"I can't do what I used to do, because of the Relic... it's a long story." He said, and Misty shook her head.
"Jeez... I'm sorry, V. I-" She ran her hand through her hair. "I know I should be more concerned, but I'm just grateful to see you again. There was a chance I'd move away and not even know you were alive."
V looked at her with kind, grateful eyes. It was nice to feel welcome. Not a very common feeling there.
"I missed you, Misty, you have no idea. Although it looks like I saw you last Tuesday." Misty laughed lightly, raising her gaze to the sky.
"It's only been two years, V. The blink of an eye for the universe." She said, and he looked up at the sky too. "It must have been difficult for you. But like all things, difficult times pass. In a while, a few months perhaps, you'll feel much better." The girl said, and V lowered his gaze, a somewhat sad smile growing on his lips.
"Yes, Vik told me something similar. But it's not that simple, it hardly ever is. Everything has changed. The only life I knew is gone, and here I am, wondering where I'm going." He opened up to her. Misty was on his short list of people he trusted, and of all of them, she was perhaps the one who could sympathize with him the most. Perhaps it was because she was more sensitive than most of his other friends, saw things that others didn't and understood more easily.
"You'll learn to live like ordinary folk, V. You know, it's not so bad after a while. Avoiding dark alleys, running when you hear gunshots... there's not much to learn, really." Misty said, and V sighed.
"Yes, and that's the worst part. Misty, me and Jackie, we shared a big dream, to win in life, that's what we wanted. To be on top of the fucking world. And the idea of living a normal life... I don't know, it seems to me that I just don't give a shit about what I once promised him." He exposed himself, revealing something he wouldn't tell almost anyone, not Vik, not even Mama Welles.
Misty looked at him with sympathetic eyes, and placed her hand gently on his shoulder. It was a simple gesture, but it brought a certain comfort to the former mercenary.
"V, you know it's not like that. Jackie would never think that, you know. You're not dishonoring Jackie's memory in any way, I don't doubt at all that he himself would tell you to settle down if he were here now." Her voice was so soft... damn, V only just realized how good she was. No wonder Jackie had gotten wrapped around Misty's finger.
"... Maybe you're right... but that's the point. Part of me doesn't want to accept it. Part of me doesn't want to run when I hear gunshots, doesn't want to avoid dark alleys or dangerous neighborhoods. From the moment I woke up until now, I haven't looked in the mirror once, afraid of what I'd see. Just a shadow of what I was, a weak version who can't even walk down the street without shitting in his pants for fear of a fucking stray bullet." V opened up. If it were anyone else, he would have been afraid that he would be judged, even mocked for his "insecurities".
However, he knew he had made the right choice when he opened up to Misty when he saw the look on her face. No judgment, nothing, just understanding. He realized that she was good... too good for someone like him to have her as a friend.
"I have no idea how hard it must be for you, V. I wish I could help you in some other way, but this is all I can do. Give it some time, V. Think about things. You waking up now, surviving everything you've been through... maybe it's your second chance. A chance to get to know something other than crime, gangs, contracts, fixers... who knows. Maybe one day you'll find a place of your own, maybe even a family." Misty said, and part of V wanted to believe her.
Part of him really wanted to believe those words. But for some reason, he just couldn't picture himself like that. Living in a simple house in a quiet, peaceful place, with a wife and children.
Maybe it was just his wounded ego talking, his shredded pride trying to keep itself alive by making him think: What's so good about this life?
"... You know what, Misty? Thank you." That was all he said, and the girl gave him a sympathetic smile.
"You're welcome, V." He squeezed her shoulder lightly. "You'll find yourself. Life is made up of changes, even bad ones. And I feel you have a lot of options." Sometimes he wondered how she could be so positive, and it wasn't just today.
They talked for a while. V missed the girl, and that conversation was doing him more good than he let on. Misty may have been older than him, but she was young, and much wiser than most people her age.
Until, at one point, the girl glanced at the watch on her wrist, and that's when V realized that they had run out of time.
"The way I see it, V, you're free. No more contracts, no more Fixers or Relic dictating your actions. Enjoy." She said, getting up from the floor and wiping her pants before turning to V, who had stood up in front of her.
"And when you make up your mind, I really hope you find joy." She said, pulling him into a hug again, which V didn't refuse.
The man swallowed some saliva, feeling a small lump forming in his throat. He'd never been very good at goodbyes, and the last ones he'd had hadn't been very good, but he was glad that, for once, he could say goodbye in the right way and on good terms.
"My ride should be downstairs by now." She said, undoing the hug and looking deep into V's eyes. "So, until we meet again, I guess."
V squeezed the girl's hands lightly, not looking into her eyes for long.
"I hope so." He said, noticing the girl's gaze resting on his chest. V lowered his head, and his hand instinctively went to the pendant he was wearing.
"I see you're still wearing the pendant I gave you." She said, raising her hand and gently holding the pendant. "I gave it to you because it meant a new beginning for you at the time. Now it doesn't matter anymore, I think it's best for you to get rid of it." V squeezed the girl's hand lightly, gently running his thumb over the back of her hand.
He lowered his eyes and stared at the floor with a distant look.
"Hm... I think... I'm not ready for that just yet. But one day..." He said in a low voice, feeling the girl gently grasp his shoulders.
She shook her head slightly, before starting to walk away at a slow pace.
V watched the girl walk to the door. His eyes did not leave Misty's back as his hand firmly grasped the pendant. Who knew that a "silly" accessory could mean something so intense?
Misty opened the door and turned to V once more, waving at him before entering the building again.
V stood in the same place for a while, thinking, feeling... the hole he felt in his body seemed to get even bigger, yet deep down he felt something different.
A small flame of hope, perhaps. Small but strong enough for him to lift his chin, feeling a little more prepared to face the future.
The door opened again, and his eyes focused on Vik. The bottle of whisky in his hand and two glasses in another. V let go of the pendant and cleared his throat, recovering from the sentimental conversation he'd just had.
"Hey, V. Nice of you to wait." Vik said as he closed the door, approaching at a brisk pace soon after. "I met Misty downstairs, we said goodbye. I'm glad you talked." He said, handing one of the glasses to V and sitting down on the floor.
"I'll say the same, I needed it." V said, watching Vik open the bottle and pour the drink into his glass.
"Like I said, she's sensitive. There's no one better to talk to than her." Vik said, setting the bottle aside and raising his glass. "Well, how about a toast?"
V nodded, smiling encouragingly at Vik. "A toast... to new beginnings" They toasted and drank.
"Wow... it's been so long..." V muttered as he felt the drink go down his throat. Vik just laughed as he refilled his glass.
"Yes, I admit that after Zetatech I didn't drink much. There was no reason." Vik said, taking another drink from his glass and staring at the city in silence.
"Still watching the championship? Who took the belt?" V asked, remembering how much the man liked to watch championship fights.
"Nah, some idiot. The more I watch today's fights, the more I realize that the golden age will never return. The sport is dying out. Instead of punches and kicks it's now concentrated blows with boosters in the arms. That's not fighting." Vik said, shrugging, and apparently quite frustrated.
"Speaking of fighting, Rhino came to me a while ago." Vik said, and V looked at him with raised eyebrows.
"Rhino? The one I fought? The woman who looks like a tank?" He asked, and Vik nodded.
"That's her. Apparently, she wanted a rematch." V snorted.
"Gee... looks like she'll never get one." V said. "But, I don't know, I guess I liked hearing that."
"Ah, boy. It reminds me of watching you fight. You've earned quite a reputation, and that fight against Razor, woah." Vik said, resting his hand on his leg. "Now that was a fight."
"I had a good coach with me at the time." Vik looked at him with a smile.
"Nah, you had great footwork. Not to mention how fast you were. The way you moved, dodged and counter-attacked reminded me a lot of Mike Tyson." Vik said, and V whistled with wide eyes.
"Fuck, Vik, comparing me to Mike Tyson?! I don't know whether to be flattered or call you stupid."
"I'm not saying you'd beat Iron Mike, I doubt anyone other than Muhammad would have a chance of that. But seriously, with a coach on your side and effort, if you really took it seriously, you'd go far. I'd even say you could be the new middleweight champion." Vik said, and V waved his hand as he laughed lightly.
It stuck in his mind, though. He couldn't have implants anymore, all right, but that didn't mean he couldn't manage. He'd fought enough on the streets to know how it worked. Chrome or not, he still had the skills.
Or at least he could again if he really made the effort to train.
"Your story... kind of reminds me of Muhammad Ali's." Vik said, pulling V out of his thoughts.
"What, exactly? His story with Parkinson's?" V asked.
"Related to that. I mean in his career. Muhammad was at the top, he was seen as the best at the time and all the previous ones. Then he retired from fighting, and his world fell apart with the disease. I have no doubt that he would have made it even further than he did." Vik said, taking another drink and lowering his gaze shortly afterwards.
"In an interview, he said that the illness was God's way of telling him that he was only human. To remind Muhammad that he wasn't number one, but God." Vik said with a sigh, and turned to V. "Do you believe that, V?"
V seemed to think for a moment, remembering a certain job he had once done.
"In God? Come on, Vik... I'm not very religious, but I do believe." V said, refilling his glass. "Do you think that's why I went through all that?" he asked, genuinely curious about his friend's opinion.
Vik, for his part, shrugged.
"You and Jack were ambitious. You wanted to be at the top, I respected that, and I still do, because you worked as hard as you possibly could. But maybe, V, maybe, this was God's way of showing you that you're not number one. And this is your chance to realize that." Vik sighed. Vik sighed. "Maybe it's time to aim a little lower."
V drank some more and stared at the dark sky for a few moments.
"... Just when I think things are starting to make sense, something happens to make me even more lost. But I think I understand." He said, turning to Vik and staring at his friend. He was already a little dizzy, and realized that the bottle was already half empty.
"Do you have a plan yet?" Vik asked.
"I have no idea what I'll be doing in a month, but for now, I'm going to visit Mama Wellers." V said, and Vik shook his head.
"Oh, yes... she'll love that. She missed you, it wasn't easy to comfort her at the funeral of otro de sus hijos." Vik said, and V leaned his arms on his legs, feeling his chest tighten once again.
He had spent that whole day in the urge to cry.
"Is she still there?" Vik nodded.
"Same place. The bar, however, is closed." Vik drank some more. "After your funeral, she had a talk with Pepe. She kept the bar open for a few more months, then closed it on the day his kid was born. We talk sometimes, but she became more reclusive after everything." Vik said, and V brought his own hands together in front of his body, gently tapping his thumb against the back of his hand.
"You know... I don't know which way my life is going. But I really hope we can do this more often. Just sit somewhere, drink and talk a bit." V said, and glancing over, he could see Vik nodding.
"I hope so too... However, change happens for everyone, V." V stared at him. "I got the news that they're planning to redo the clinic. They're sending me to Frisco, of all places." Vik shook his head, clearly frustrated by the news.
And, well, V, for his part, felt the same way.
"Fucking hell..." Vik snorted out a laugh.
"Yeah. It's going to be harder for us to see each other, but... not impossible, even if we end up out of Night City at some point." Vik said.
"Oh, so you're planning to leave too?" V said, not very surprised, but a little... concerned, perhaps? Everyone he knew was leaving him, in a way, everyone going their own way. Well, on the other hand, it was for the best. That city just wasn't worth it.
"Not this year. But it's an option. I have nothing here, V. The friends I had have either died or stopped visiting. My work is the only thing I like, the only thing keeping me here." Vik said, and they both just sat in silence for a few moments, each trapped in their own thoughts, dealing with their own feelings and wondering "what now"?
"Well... maybe it won't be so hard for us to see each other after you leave here." V said after a while, breaking the silence, and again, Vik raised his glass towards him.
"I'll try to believe that from now on, V." He said, and with a smile, V also raised his glass.
They drank at the same time, and stood there for a few more minutes, talking about random things, or before the coma.
Considering he faced yet another goodbye, V would say that evening was quite pleasant.
Leaning back on the seat, V stared at the front door of Mama Welles' house for what seemed like hours. He was as nervous as he had been over the last few days.
He had no idea how she would react. He didn't know how she was, but all things considered, he'd say she didn't take his disappearance very well. Or rather, his death.
The man leaned forward slightly and rested his arms on his legs. He didn't know if what he was doing was right. Showing up like that years after his supposed death. He was afraid her heart wouldn't be able to take it.
But he respected Mama Welles too much to simply do nothing, to disappear from her life altogether. He didn't know which option was the most cruel.
"Del, I probably won't be back until the morning. You don't have to wait if you don't want to." He said, and Delamain's image appeared on the small screen in front of him.
"Understood, V. Just in case, I'll be in the nearest parking lot." Del said, and V nodded before opening the door and getting out of the car.
He watched Del drive away for a few moments, then turned and walked towards the door. With every step he felt his legs weaken, he felt as if his heart was going to explode in his chest.
V raised his hand, but didn't knock. Pff, that was pathetic. The man who once saved the president, who faced her elite army alone, the man who had spilled so much blood he could paint Night City red, didn't have the courage to knock on a woman's door.
Shaking his head, he knocked three times and waited. Part of him doubted that she would answer at that time. It was almost one in the morning.
He waited a little longer and knocked on the door again, and when it seemed that no one would answer, he just sighed, mentally scolding himself for having gone to visit so late.
However, to his surprise, he heard the door unlock, and in a matter of moments, there he was, facing Mama Welles.
Damn... she looked so tired. There were dark circles under her eyes, more wrinkles on her face than he remembered, her eyes were... so cold, so fed up with everything. She was so... changed that he almost regretted going to visit her.
"V?" Her breathy voice sent a shiver down V's spine, and it took all the courage he had to look into her eyes, wide with surprise and disbelief.
V sighed and climbed another step on the stairs, approaching the woman.
"Hola, mamá Welles." The woman put both hands over her mouth, her wide eyes already watering, and she took a step or two away.
"How... how is that possible?! V, you're dead... you're dead! ¡Fui a tu funeral, chico!" She almost screamed, grabbing the vest V was wearing and squeezing it tightly, seemingly conflicted about whether to pull him closer to her or push him away.
V couldn't look at the woman's crying face, and gently grabbed her forearms, only for her to violently pull her hands away from him.
"How dare you show up like that... after all this time! ¡¿Dónde coño has estado?!" She screamed, pushing him back, beating his chest, until she didn't seem to have the strength and burst into tears.
V tried very hard not to cry with her, and held her by the arms as gently as he could, feeling devastated at seeing her like that.
The time he spent with Mama Welles may have been short in some people's eyes, but it wasn't news to him that she saw him as a son. It was brief, but the bonds they created were strong.
"Lo siento, mamá." V simply said, pulling her into a hug and feeling the woman cry into his chest. He stared at the floor, feeling the guilt and shame spread through his body with each of her sobs.
He accompanied her to the floor when he realized that she had lost the strength in her legs, and they stayed there for as long as V thought necessary.
When the woman had recovered, he closed the door and they went to the sofa. V didn't say anything at first, he allowed himself to be surrounded by that shameful silence until he got up the courage to say something, or until he thought of the best words to start with.
His eyes then focused on a picture frame on the table. A photo of Pepe with his wife. In the man's arms, a newborn baby.
"So... Pepe's become a father again." He said, and the woman nodded shyly.
"Yes... she's a cutie." She said.
"Is it a girl?" V asked, and the woman nodded again with a small smile.
"He has a boy and a girl now. Sometimes they come here, sometimes I go there." V looked down.
"That's... great. Huh, always-"
"Where have you been, V?" She interrupted him, taking a slightly more serious approach, and V knew she had every right to. "What happened? You have no idea how I felt having to bury another child."
"It's... complicated, Mama. I... was ill. I didn't want to worry you." He said, trying to find the best words, and wanting to explain everything to her at once. No more hiding it.
His eyes lifted to the woman when he felt her hand on his, and the affection he found in those tired eyes made him feel tiny.
"Hijo... I'm not as weak as I look. You must have had your reasons for hiding your secrets... you lived here, V, under the same roof. Whatever you're keeping, you can tell me." He felt her squeeze his hand gently, and the insecurities he'd had before gradually disappeared.
"... As I said, I was ill, and... I was dying, little by little. I found out soon after I lost Jackie. I did some work, here and there, some research, looking for a way to reverse this... illness." He settled down on the sofa, holding the woman's hand firmly in front of his body.
"... That's why you always seemed so busy... so on edge." She said with a sigh. "V... why didn't you tell me before? Did you think I wouldn't understand?"
"I don't... I don't know. I thought that, after Jackie, telling you that I was ill, dying every day, would only make it worse. I didn't want to make you even more upset." He explained himself. "Anyway... I managed to have surgery. It turned out that the surgery was... quite invasive, and I was in a coma during that time. I woke up two days ago."
V lowered his hand, only to have it raised again. The man raised his eyes to Mama Welles, and felt the comfortable warmth as she wrapped both her hands around his.
"I'd understand, V. I really wish you'd told me that before." She said. "But it's great to see that you're okay, mi hijo, alive."
V smiled slightly. Ah, despite everything, that... that was good. He felt good.
"I almost didn't visit you." He admitted, receiving a disapproving look from the woman.
"And why not?"
"Because of everything. For disappearing, for not calling, for making you worry... fuck, for taking Jackie on the fucking mission that killed him, for not being able to save him." He said more than he probably should have, but it was how he really felt deep down.
Not a day had gone by when he didn't think about that fucking mission, and how he could have saved his friend. The many ways that mission could have gone and had a different outcome.
"V, nobody blames you for what happened to Jackie, least of all me. What happened to him was terrible, but... I like to think that he died running after what he wanted, alongside the one he considered his best friend. Don't feel guilty." She said, resting her hand gently on V's shoulder, who just listened in silence.
"I know things are different now, V. But my door will always be open to you." She said, raising her hand to his face and giving it a brief caress. It was impossible for V to hold back the small smile that appeared on his lips.
"I appreciate it." That was all he said, and the woman gave him a sincere smile, which was enough to comfort him.
"It's late, and you must be tired. Did you at least get some sleep after the... coma?" V shook his head in denial. At most, he had closed his eyes a little. He couldn't sleep, nightmares, memories, it was too much to get used to.
"Jackie's room is the same as yours. Sleep here tonight. I hope you don't sneak out in the morning." She said, getting up from the sofa, accompanied by V.
"I promise, Mama." He said, watching her walk towards the stairs.
"Sleep well, V. It's great to have you back." That's all she said before going upstairs. V followed her with his eyes for a few moments, and when he heard the door to her room close, he let out the breath he hadn't even realized he had been holding.
He had never felt like this, so emotionally exhausted. But it wasn't all bad, the conversations he'd had, however painful they might have been, had done him good, he could feel it.
Running a hand through his short hair, he switched off the light in the living room and quietly climbed the stairs.
The room he was staying in was at the end of the corridor, and Jackie's was just before it. A feeling of nostalgia filled his chest as he looked down that corridor so full of memories.
He stopped in front of Jackie's door, and after a few seconds wondering if he should go in, he opened it and entered the room.
The place was almost exactly as he remembered it, but a little tidier. Well, organization wasn't exactly Jackie's strong suit.
His shoes were lined up next to each other on the bottom shelf, illuminated by a blue LED backlight. A desk with a chair in front of it was where his computer was. Well, before Mama Welles decided to sell it, of course.
The closet was empty. She hadn't kept many of Jackie's things, most of the clothes she had given away. She only kept the shoes because they were his favorites.
V walked slowly around the room, observing the place. To the left was the bathroom. Huh, it felt like last week when he'd looked in that mirror and spat a tooth into that sink after one of the jobs they'd done together.
In front was a small balcony that connected Jackie's room and his. Well, before it had been divided into two rooms, it had been a single room.
Shaking his head, he decided it would be best if he got out of there as soon as possible. However, before he could turn around, his eyes focused on the guitar next to the bed, leaning against the wall.
V approached with slightly exasperated steps. Jackie didn't play much, as far as he could remember. He had gotten that guitar before they had both met.
He picked up the guitar and sat down on the bed. The instrument looked brand new, apparently Mrs. Welles had been taking good care of things there.
Wow, it had been a while since he had played anything. At least having control of his own body, and not through Johnny.
He strummed the strings, almost smiling as he heard the off-key sounds.
After tuning the guitar, he played again, and maybe it was the fact that he was feeling sentimental, or the fact that he was feeling nostalgic, but in his mind, he remembered a song that really suited his current state.
We lost everything
In a conversation with Johnny, he mentioned that he had written this song for Alt. Until that moment, he hadn't imagined that rocker Johnny Silverhand could have a romantic side.
He played it some more, remembering the times he'd heard it, and the times he'd played it when Johnny had taken control of his body.
i saw in you what life was missing
you lit a flame that consumed my hate
I'm not one for reminiscing but
I'd trade it all for your sweet embrace
V sang quietly, not only because it was late and he didn't want to disturb the woman in the next room, but also because he had never really been a singer. He wouldn't say he was awful, but he certainly wasn't good either.
Not only that, but at the moment, those lyrics were much more suited to a melodious, calmer tone than an intense rock song with lots of guitars and noise.
yeah
cause we lost everything
we had to pay the price
there's a canvas with two faces
of fallen angels who loved and lost
it was a passion for the ages
and in the end guess we paid the cost
The lyrics were perfect for him... and once again, even in death, he had something in common with Johnny. The song seemed to speak to both of them.
He let himself think about those he had lost. He let himself think about Jackie, he let himself think about Johnny, Misty, Vik, Panam, So Mi, Reed, Kerry, Mama Welles, Pepe, Judy... he let himself think about them at that moment because he didn't want to think about them later. Not like that, not with that weight on his chest.
That would be the last time he let himself feel like that. In the morning, he would wake up refreshed and fully focused on what he was going to do, taking charge of his life again.
But until that happened, he felt comfortable enough like this.
a thing of beauty - i know
will never fade away
what you did to me - i know
said what you had to say
but a thing of beauty
will never fade away
will never fade away
will never fade away
i see your eyes, i know you see me
you're like a ghost how you're everywhere
I am your demon never leaving
a metal soul of rage and fear
that one thing that changed it all
that one sin that caused the fall
a thing of beauty - I know
will never fade away
what you did to me - I know
said what you had to say
but a thing of beauty - I know
will never fade away
and I'll do my duty - I know
somehow I'll find a way
but a thing of beauty
will never fade away
and I'll do my duty
yeah
we'll never fade away
we'll never fade away
we'll never fade away
we'll never fade away
At the end of the song, he opened his eyes again, trying to dry the tears around his eyes, which he held back so they wouldn't fall. None rolled down his cheeks, he didn't need to cry for them.
Slowly, he left the guitar where it had been and stood up rather quickly.
With steps heavier than he wanted, he walked to the balcony and leaned on the railing. He hoped that, at some point, he would get forgiveness from some of those people.
Sighing, he took his cell phone out of his back pocket. He had left it on silent all day. He wasn't expecting a call. Not least because the number of people who would call him was very small. However, he would say that he would make a few calls soon, he just wanted to make sure that he still had everyone's number in mind.
His eyes immediately widened when he saw that he had received a message, and his heart beat faster when he read the name on the screen.
Mitch
Damn, he almost dropped the device in his haste. The man had left an audio message.
However, his excitement soon wore off.
"V, hey! Wow, I was surprised by your sudden call, but I'll keep it short. Ah... listen, it was nice of you to get in touch, it's good to know you're still alive. But don't expect Panam to return your call, no. And don't try again, if you can, I ask you." V gritted his teeth, squeezing the device a little harder than he should have while his restless eyes just stared at the cell phone in his hand.
"When you disappeared, Panam... she was devastated. I don't remember seeing anything close to how she was before. It took her a while to get better. She's not one to get attached, but when she does, the hurt comes hard. Look, I know it's not what you wanted, but I hope you understand. You shouldn't do this to her, or to yourself, so... I think it's best if you just don't call." He lowered his head, his breathing heavy and ragged.
What the fuck was that?! Really?! They'd just walk away like that?! After everything?! Not even a "hi, where you've been?", nothing?!
He took a step back, leaned forward, bending down while still keeping his hands on the railing.
Fuck, Mitch! It's not your fucking decision!
Goddamn it! He understood their having moved on, he understood if they were angry, and he understood if they still held that grudge. But what he'd done before didn't count?! He didn't want Panam or Saul or anyone else in the clan to jump with joy at seeing him again, he just wanted to see her, know about her, and then disappear again if he had to.
Shaking his head, he straightens his posture and puts his phone back in his pocket before he loses his mind and throws it away.
From his vest pocket, he took out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, this time doing nothing to stop the tears streaming down his face.
V lifted the cigarette to his mouth and lit the lighter. Taking a deep drag on the cigarette, he leaned back on the railing and bent down a little, running his hand through his hair.
"I thought I was family..." He said, filling his lungs again with that addictive nicotine.
The night seemed longer and colder, and once again, he couldn't close his eyes until dawn.