Nesta was fighting back tears as she walked away from Cassian. He just didn't understand.

No one did.

And how could they? How could anyone know how hard life was for her, constantly upholding her walls of ice while they were simply living?

But Nesta needed those walls. She needed to be fierce and harsh and mad at the world, because without those feelings, she would quite simply fall apart. Most days, there was nothing but her own anger holding her upright.

What did Cassian even see in her?

She'd been an intruder into their perfect little Solstice celebration, a disruption of everyone's festive mood, even though she'd been perfectly quiet for most of the evening.

Nesta blew out a long breath. She'd gained control over herself for now, stopped the tears from spilling out. Cassian was long out of reach, but not even when alone did she let her walls crumble. If she started crying now, she didn't know if she'd ever be able to stop.

It felt like a relief to be by herself, though. To finally have escaped everyone's scrutinizing gaze.

She wondered why she'd thought it a good idea to attend Feyre's party in the first place. She hated Rhysand. She hated Feyre, but in a different way. And her hate for Cassian was another thing altogether. Azriel, she found she could tolerate – maybe because his gift had been genuine and not motivated by pity. But the only person she really cared about was Elain, who was better off keeping her distance from Nesta.

So, what had been the point of the whole evening?

Snow flakes swirled around her and Nesta involuntarily shivered in the cold air.

Maybe some part of her was crying out for help, she thought, before quickly shoving the words from her mind.

Maybe she'd wanted to feel some semblance of warmth and happiness for just one night.

Maybe she was playing with fire.

Nesta knew that Cassian cared for her, that he'd try to get through to her. And there was a part of her that wanted him to, even though she could hardly admit it to herself. She wanted him to break her walls and stay far away from her at the same time. Because she hated him.

Yes, she hated him.

Staring out over the frozen river, Nesta repeated it over and over in her head. But why had it been so hard to leave him behind, then? And why did she already despise herself for throwing away his Solstice present?

It was the only thing she could've done with it. Keeping it, whatever it was, would've meant attaching herself to him. Neither of them deserved that.

Not Cassian, because he was too good for her in every way.

And not her, because she deserved nothing at all, least of all his goodness. Nesta was trash and she knew it.

Underneath her icy exterior, there was nothing good to be found. Nothing to make her company worthwhile.

She might play the evil sister to everyone around her, but in reality, she was just… empty. So empty. A hollow shell of the girl she'd once been; a ghost of her. A trembling vision of the woman she could have become, if she wasn't so broken.

Why was it so hard to move her legs? Nesta was shivering violently yet fixed to the spot. She wondered if it was possible for a Fae to drown.

Surrounding herself with icy water felt like the only fate she deserved. Maybe she'd freeze before she drowned. Her body would feel as numb as she felt inside.

She wished she could remember where she'd tucked those other emotions, the good ones, but she'd pushed them so deep down over the years that it was impossible to find them again. Seeing everyone feel merry and warm this evening had shown her once again what a lost cause she was. She couldn't even pretend to feel any of those things, so far away were they.

And Cassian…

Nesta took a shivering breath, feeling the air pierce her lungs from the inside.

Good, she thought. Pain is good.

Was she going mad?

Her mind was racing with visions of the flickering fire in Feyre's living room, of Cassian's eyes pleading with her, and of herself ready to drown in the ice-cold river.

Somehow, Cassian's eyes won the fight.

Drowning his present was enough for tonight, Nesta decided as she finally forced her legs to move.

Soon she'd reached the murkier districts of Velaris, where her dingy apartment was located. Only fitting for trash like herself, she thought as she entered the dim hallway of the building and pushed her tired feet up the stairs.

Once in her bare room, Nesta dropped her coat carelessly to the ground and slipped out of her icy clothes. Trembling to the bone, she sank onto her mattress and pulled the thin blanket over herself. To no avail.

When she closed her eyes, there were flames again, and a horrible crackling noise filled her ears. Willing herself to fall asleep was utterly unsuccessful.

She wished there was a way to get warm without a fire.

Cassian's eyes flickered in her mind again. Maybe, for just a moment, she could allow herself…

Nesta swallowed. She deserved to suffer sleeplessly and cold through the night, she knew that. She deserved to see her hollow eyes in the morning after staring at the dark ceiling for hours and hours. But what if she allowed herself a brief respite from her suffering, only for a second, only tonight? A Solstice gift to herself, so to say.

What if she let herself imagine being held in his arms – just to try out the feeling? To know if she was still capable of experiencing anything good, if only in her mind.

A sigh escaped her throat as Nesta let down her defenses. One second was all it took.

The feeling was so strong that a shiver went through her, and tears sprang to her eyes in an instant.

Warmth, the same kind of warmth that she'd witnessed between the others in Feyre's home earlier, spread throughout her body.

She imagined Cassian's arms clasped tightly around her. His hand gently stroking her hair.

The tears finally escaped her eyes and ran unbidden down her cheeks. There was nothing Nesta could do anymore.

One second of utter vulnerability, and now she'd lost all control.

"Nesta", she heard him whisper against her ear, no more hurt in his voice. No memory of his discarded Solstice gift. He would forgive her anything if she asked him to, Nesta was sure of it.

And she deserved none of his generosity, his kindness, his attention. This soothing feeling he gave her, it was all wrong.

Cassian was not here and he never would be. Nesta swore it to herself as she built her walls back up. He would never find himself next to her like this, cradling her in his arms, baring himself before her. Because she was dangerous and he'd only get stung, and Nesta would've destroyed one more good thing that the world desperately needed. Maybe the best yet.

And she just couldn't bear the thought.