Chapter 1
Willpower takes a Holiday
(A/N: Although "Holiday From the Limelight" is a sequel to "Avoiding the Limelight" and "Embracing the Limelight", it is written to be as new-reader-friendly as possible and takes place a few weeks after "Embracing the Limelight". Thank you for all the love and support, and I hope you enjoy. God bless)
Sara stood outside her sister's apartment taking deep breaths and mentally preparing herself for whatever awaited her on the other side of the door. It could be anything, probably everything, but it was always something.
For the past week she had been purposefully avoiding Jessica's calls and only occasionally responding to texts, of which there had been hundreds, and had lost count how many voicemails she had deleted. She had to admit it was a nice change of pace compared to not hearing anything from her sister for weeks at a time, and perhaps it was payback for all the times Sara had blown up her phone over the years, worried she might've done something to hurt herself.
"That was different," she said softly, readying herself for the inevitable argument. "I thought you might be dead. You're just whining about your roommate."
'I didn't ask for a roommate! This is all your fault!' she could hear her sister say, followed by incoherent obscenities screamed in Spanish she'd picked up from their mother.
"Starfire's not your roommate, Jess, she's your babysitter." Sara wouldn't be saying that aloud of course, but finding someone to keep an eye on Jessica had been Wonder Woman's suggestion, and everyone had slept better because of it. Everyone except Jessica that is.
Sara took one more deep breath and rapped the door, smiling as convincingly as she could. "Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me."
Almost immediately there were footsteps toward the door, followed by a series of locks being undone, as well as familiar curses from childhood that Sara might've found nostalgic and even humorous any other time. Her sister was bullet proof and in possession of the most powerful weapon in the galaxy, and yet she still had two deadbolts, two chains, an alarm, a security bar, as well as a few other safety measures, making her front door almost as impenetrable as Superman's Fortress of Solitude.
The reinforced steel door cracked open, partially revealing a young woman who looked as though she had just crawled out of bed despite it being the middle of the afternoon. As usual she was without makeup and hadn't brushed her hair, and also as usual had dark rings around her eyes. 'She's been getting even less sleep than usual,' Sara realized.
"Why the hell haven't you been answering my calls!?" Jessica shouted, unknowingly answering her own question.
Sara's grin widened and leaped into her sister's arms, never taking for granted her still being alive. Jessica was slightly taken aback due to not being much of a hugger, but squeezed her back and appeared to have mostly forgotten about wanting to kill her, for the moment anyway.
Their reunion was short lived however as Jessica realizing how vulnerable they were standing in the doorway, dragged Sara inside where it was safe and slammed the impenetrable door behind them. Afterward she ignored her in favor of inspecting each and every one of her security measures multiple times, and checking out the peephole to make sure Sara hadn't been followed and that nobody was watching them. You could never be too careful was Jessica's motto.
The apartment was nearly pitch black as usual, with the blinds letting in just enough light so as not to trip over boxes or piles of dirty laundry. In actuality it was the cleanest Sara had ever seen her sister's apartment, and may have even been cleaner than her dorm room back at college.
She sighed with relief that having a roommate was doing Jessica some good at least, and with her sister still bent over, neurotically checking over the locks, Sara studied her more closely.
Jessica appeared to still be eating, and thanks to her weekly combat training with Wonder Woman and Black Canary, had even regained her leanness from high school back when she was the star athlete of the family, but there was still a lingering air of unwellness that Sara couldn't unsee after four years of watching her sister slowly waste away to nothing.
During the first year of her self-isolation, Jessica had admitted to her that chewing food had become too much effort for her, and had been eating nothing but marshmallows for weeks. It hadn't been easy, and at first Sara had made them all herself, but eventually she was able to force Jessica to eat one peanut butter sandwich every day until it became a daily ritual for her. Even now she still ate them between meals.
Sara quickly wiped her eyes, and focused her attention on the athletic young woman hiding underneath her usual going-out uniform of a baggy green hoodie and sweatpants. Sara in contrast was dressed in her own uniform of shorts and a purple tank top, and couldn't help but wonder if after six months of intensive training, whether her sister might've been in even better shape than herself. 'Guess we'll find out soon enough.'
Jessica finally turned back around and sighed at a job well done. Her shoulders sagged and she leaned her back against the door as if to support her weight, but quickly moved away when she remembered the installers saying their company couldn't guarantee the door would stop continuous fire from large caliber rifles, and dragged Sara to safety as well.
Sara couldn't relate to having chronic anxiety, much less PTSD or depression, but she did her best to be sympathetic and give her sister space or a shoulder to cry on whenever she needed it. Unfortunately she had misjudged her sister's mood FAR too many times over the years to begin teasing her, asking her if she was alright, or try navigating the emotional landmines without a map, so instead patiently waited for her sister to either start the conversation herself or give her a clue as to what to say.
Jessica meanwhile snuck into the kitchen, knowing what her sister was waiting for, and knowing she was being judged and compared to the woman she used to be, and some days, still was. She brushed her hair back to try and make herself look at least semi-presentable, but quickly gave up and went to work laying out snacks like she had promised.
"You look good, Sis," Sara said, honestly meaning it. Almost anything looked better than before.
Jessica snorted, not looking up. "Liar. You're the one on the cover of Sports Illustrated." She gestured toward a stack of magazines lying on the cluttered countertop. Technically Sara's entire soccer team was on the cover, but she was front and center holding the game winning ball and a large trophy. Never in all her life had Jessica seen her baby sister happier, except perhaps the time she had surprised her at the park by leaving her apartment for the first time in years.
"I mean it. You look good."
"I look like hell and you know it." She gave a half-hearted smile that didn't match her eyes before quickly looking away again.
'Bad day, and a bad week at work from the looks of it,' Sara guessed, suddenly feeling guilty for avoiding her sister the past week. 'Guess Kori was just a scapegoat. I know how that goes...'
Being a Green Lantern meant being one of the Justice League's first responders during emergencies. Jessica didn't fight supervillains too often out of preference, but that meant being on call for every natural disaster, major emergency, and man-made crisis Earth faced on a daily basis. Even when she got a day off, it was hard for her to relax, worrying that she might get a call any minute, thinking about everything she did wrong the day before, what she would do wrong tomorrow, and feeling guilty over who all might've died just so she could have a day off from work.
'And now she's about to have seven in a row...'
"Maybe hell looks good on you," Sara teased, not wanting to argue so soon after arriving. She also knew her sister to be incredibly self-conscious even if she did her best to hide it behind an inexhaustive wall of sarcasm, dark humor, and self-deprecation. Something her various therapists over the years had admonished her about but never seemed to do any good.
In truth the only thing she really had going for her was clean clothes and showering recently, but Sara knew from past experience that she would sometimes go weeks at a time without bathing before suddenly showering three or four times a day almost as if to make up for it, or more likely, because she never felt truly clean anymore. Judging by how raw her hands looked, Sara thought that was probably the case today.
Sara's gaze lingered on Jessica's dry, pinkish hands. Her sister hadn't worn jewelry in years, that is until six months ago when she began wearing an emerald ring rather appropriately around her middle finger. As usual she was playing with it, twisting it around her finger, one of the many nervous habits she had developed over the years.
She leaned over and waved. "Hi, Ring."
"Good afternoon, Sara Cruz," the ring said, using a warm, masculine voice today. It had a habit of changing depending on her sister's mood and presumably what she needed to hear. "How are you today?"
"Great now that the season's over and I'm finally done with all my exams. How's our little J-Bird doing?"
"She's been better, but then again she's also been worse."
"Hey, don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Jessica crossed her arms and stalked across the apartment, complaining about being treated like a child.
'Well, if you didn't act like one...' Sara grinned at the ring glowing slightly from under her armpit. Making Jessica feel something, anything even if it was annoyance was better than nothing at all, but she knew from experience her sister was mostly just putting on a brave face to hide behind.
"Where's Terra?" Jessica asked, peeking through the miniblinds, mindful of potential snipers. Sara joined her and saw a radiant redhead with orange skin sunbathing by the pool with a captive audience of young men practically salivating over her. Jessica growled and stormed back into the kitchen.
"Atlee just got off work so she's getting changed downstairs," Sara said, preferring to use the girl's real name. Barely anyone even knew there was another Terra, and it wasn't like she had much of a secret identity anyway. "They'll be here in a few minutes."
'I told them to give us a little privacy first,' she kept to herself.
"She knows there's a pool-house, right?"
Sara nodded, knowing where this was heading. "I pointed it out to her, but even if she were to get dressed out in the open, I don't think anybody would notice. Kori's kinda got everyone's undivided attention right now."
"That's an understatement," Jessica grumbled. "The good news is that most of my neighbors think she's just a Starfire fangirl and cosplayer. Bad news is they think she's some kind of internet celebrity and that I'm her girlfriend."
Sara stifled a laugh. "Yeah, you might've mentioned something about that."
"Did I also mention Starfire's practically a nudist with no concept of personal space? The other day she tried taking a shower with me to save water because they said on the news we're in a drought! She also tried sticking her tongue down my throat, saying she wanted to learn how to curse in Spanish!"
Sara bit her own tongue and covered her mouth to keep from laughing. "She's a Tamaranean, Sis. From what I've gathered and what everyone tells me, they're not big on personal space, or clothes for that matter, and sex to them is like saying hello. She just happens to like saying hello is all."
"It's not gonna take them long to figure out she's the actual Starfire, or that the Hispanic girl she's rooming with looks an awful lot like the new Green Lantern. People might be dumb but they're not THAT dumb."
"I dunno. Even though I know Clark Kent is Superman, I still don't see the resemblance. Maybe you should try wearing glasses or a fake mustache."
Jessica growled at her and finished laying out the snacks, all of which were ready to be packed away, and would serve as emergency rations should the food of Strata not be to their liking, or edible to humans for that matter. "Joke all you want, but I'd rather NOT be a tag on PornHub, thank you very much."
"Too late..."
"What was that!?"
To keep from incriminating herself any further, Sara helped herself to the platter of cookies that she presumed her sister had baked the night before. Now that the playoffs were finally over and she could eat and drink like a normal human again, Sara felt compelled to indulge herself as much as possible to make up for lost time, and to satisfy herself before the start of the next season.
"Who cares what other people think?" she said with a full mouth. "You know how many people hate my guts just because my school knocked theirs out of the tournament? Or because my goal won us the championship?" She smiled to herself, basking in the memory. "At least you've got erotic fan art and fanfiction made of you. All I got was a compilation of me making weird faces during games, and people saying I shouldn't be playing for a school with 'Christian' in its name just because some team photos got leaked. You got anything to drink?"
"Wait, WHAT!?"
"I already told you about Samantha's phone getting hacked. It happens." She bent down to rummage around the fridge. "I forgot you don't drink alcohol, or anything with caffeine or sugar apparently. Guess we're gonna have to make a pit stop."
"Not that! The erotic fan art and fanfiction!"
"Oh, that. Yeah, I've been meaning to tell you about that. You're pretty popular on Tumblr and Reddit. They've even started shipping you with Nightwing. It's called 'Nightlight' in case you're curious."
Jessica narrowed her eyes. "You came up with that, didn't you?"
Sara nodded, shoving another handful of cookies into her mouth. "You're looking at the ship captain, and also the founder and president of the 'Big Booty Latina Lantern' fandom. Also known as Limelight, trademark pending. Wanna hear what your ship with Starfire is called?"
"Not really," she said, resisting the urge to glance over her shoulder.
"'Starlight'. Makes perfect sense really, but your one with Power Girl is probably my favorite. It's called 'T&A'."
"Gee, which one am I?"
Sara laughed again and plopped down onto the loveseat with the platter of cookies and a glass of milk. Jessica sighed before sliding beside her, holding her head in her hands as though she had a migraine. "We haven't even left the damn apartment yet and I'm already stressed about this vacation."
"What's there to be stressed about? Everything will be fine. I'm gonna get fat, and you're gonna have fun."
Jessica sighed and shook her head. "I wish I could have your optimism, Sis. I really do, but I just keep going over the worst case scenarios in my head. I don't like the idea of being thousands of feet under the Earth, and I like taking you there even less. I don't know anything about Strata besides what Atlee's told you and what you've told me, and considering she's the only Stratan I know and they could all be like her, I might just be walking into my own personal hell with three demons already at my side."
"That makes up roughly forty percent of Jessica's worries," her ring added unhelpfully.
"There's also the fact that people are going to die and get hurt while I'm gone, maybe even other superheroes, and it'll all be my fault. Not just here on Earth, but the entire sector. None of the other senior members of the Justice League take vacations. Not for an entire week anyway." Jessica hugged her knees tightly to her chest. "They probably know I can handle being a superhero, or a space cop for that matter, and what if The Guardians find out I'm taking a vacation? W-what if they decide to take my ring back? What if-"
"This is the other forty percent," it interrupted. "The remaining twenty are the usual worries like your parents dying in unlikely accidents, schoolmates suddenly remembering embarrassing stories about her, Nightwing thinking she's in a relationship with his ex, getting sick from mosquito bites, and gangsters paying her, yourself, and your parents personal visits."
Jessica groaned and buried her head between her knees. They were already fears Sara was intimately aware of. Growing up, her sister had always been a little dramatic and excitable to say the least, and acting in ways the rest of the family couldn't always predict or understand, though much of it made obvious sense now in hindsight.
One of Jessica's biggest fears growing up had been their father's plane crashing during one of his many business trips across the world. She'd sometimes break down in the middle of class just thinking about it, but she seemed to get better the older she got, or at least better at hiding it. That is until one fateful camping trip four years ago when she and three friends stumbled across something they shouldn't have.
"If the Green Lanterns wanna be upset with somebody, let them be upset with me," Sara said, pretending to roll up her nonexistent sleeves. Jessica may have been her older sister and protector growing up, but she'd grown increasingly protective over her in recent years, and she'd be damned if alien Smurfs were going to bully Jessica on her watch.
"Atlee and I are the ones that came up with this being a 'diplomatic mission', otherwise you'd only have three days off maximum. There's more than just humans living on Earth. There's also people living inside of it. As a Green Lantern and member of the Justice League, and representative of the human race, it's your duty to meet with their leaders and establish relations with them. It's not like you're leaving the sector, or even Earth for that matter. If the Justice League needs you, you just gotta take the elevator back upstairs."
Jessica gave a wry smile. "I've already met one of their leaders. Her name's Atlee, and she's almost as much of a troublemaker as you are." She gave a sudden chuckle as Sara seemed to take that as a compliment. "How the hell do you keep talking me into stuff like this? How the hell did you convince Wonder Woman for that matter?"
Sara shrugged. She had simply just told Diana the truth, that Jessica needed a vacation, and that she'd already hatched a plan with Atlee and Kori. Diana had agreed to let the other senior Leaguers know about Jessica's 'diplomatic mission', but only if Jessica didn't know the full extent of the conspiracy. As for convincing Jessica, she'd usually give in if pressed long or hard enough. It was easier than arguing, and Sara knew which buttons to press almost as well as Phoebe had.
"I can be very persuasive," she said at last. "You should know that by now. How many times have I gotten out of being grounded, suspended, or arrested all because I know how to talk my way out of trouble? If you ever need a lawyer, don't waste your money, just call me."
Jessica raised her head and laughed, wiping away tears. "I'll do that." She grabbed a handful of cookies before her sister could devour them all. "Thanks, Sis. For everything. I don't know what I'd do without you. Not be here right now, that's for sure."
"Don't mention it." Sara leaned over and rested her head against Jessica's shoulder. "I don't know how I would've reacted going through what you did, but I do know I don't have the willpower to become a Green Lantern like you. Put chocolate chip cookies out in front of me and you'll see how little willpower I have." She tried looking her sister in the face but Jessica quickly looked away. "Being a good player and scoring goals has more to do with confidence than actual skill. You taught me that. I wouldn't be a champion without you, and I probably wouldn't be playing soccer period if what happened to you happened to me. You might not believe me, Jess, but between us, you're stronger and a hell of a lot braver."
Jessica's lip twitched. "Liar, but thanks for trying. Oh, and just because we're going to 'a land down under', don't expect me to start sunbathing topless anytime soon. My supposed bravery has its limits."
Sara laughed, appreciating the pun and knowing what her sister was getting at. "Kori's powers come from absorbing sunlight, just like Kryptonians. She's gotta expose herself to as much sunlight as possible before going underground for a week. Otherwise she'll have even less upper body strength than I do."
"I didn't know Tamaraneans absorbed sunlight best from their tits and asses."
"Neither did I, but the more you know, right? Got any more cookies?"
Jessica hung her head again. "Why can't we just go somewhere tropical? Preferably a deserted island. I promised I'd take you anywhere on Earth to celebrate, but you wanna go to the center of the Earth with Atlee and Starfire?"
"They're my friends, and this vacation is as much for me as it is for you."
"Me? Why me? I don't need a vacation, especially not with them. What I need is a stay-cation with the newest Pokémon games, some anti-depressants, and a box of Disney tapes. Why don't you stay with me? We'll build a couch fort just like when we were kids. Or you know, a year or so ago."
Sara set the nearly empty platter down and scooted closer. "I won't force you to come, but it'll be good for you to get out of your apartment for something other than work, soccer games, and the occasional midnight flight to clear your head. And it'll be good for you to get to know Kori and Atlee too. It's only a matter of time before you three save the Earth together. Might as well get to know each other first."
"I already have to work with them, and because YOU, Starfire's sleeping on my couch." She gestured to the couch across from them covered in blankets. "I already know them better than I'd like. Why do I have to go on vacation with them too?"
"Jess, the only time you've ever worked with Atlee is after an earthquake, and she spends most of that time underground. She's not even a member of the Justice League, just a reserve member for the JSA, and Kori spends most of her time with The Titans."
"No, she spends most of her time walking around my apartment half-naked, eating my food, touching my things, and asking when the last time I got laid was!"
Sara snorted, already enjoying how the vacation was turning out. "Jess, it's only been a little over a week, and because of work, you two have barely even been in the apartment at the same time together. I know she makes you uncomfortable, and I'm sorry, but that's the point. Sometimes it's good to get out of your comfort zone. I'm on first name bases with half the superhero community because of you, but you've barely said hello to most of them. They know you've been through a lot and they want to help, but you keep avoiding them. Sooner or later they're gonna take the hint and stop trying."
Jessica winced and Sara quickly continued speaking before her sister's anxiety rose any higher. "Don't worry, nobody says anything bad about you, and from what I can tell, all you superheroes got problems. You're not the only one whose life is like a soap opera. Trust me, you're practically normal compared to half of The Titans."
She gave her sister a playful nudge. "You're a senior member of the Justice League now, and from what Kori tells me, you made one hell of an impression on the Green Lantern Corps too. You may not like responsibility or leadership, Jess, but I've seen you when shit hits the fan. I've always known you're special, and one of these days, maybe when Earth or the galaxy needs you most, everyone is gonna find out that Superman's strength is nothing compared to Jessica Cruz's willpower."
Jessica gave a half-laugh, half-sob, humored by how delusional her sister was, but also terrified that everyone might be silently pitying the newest Green Lantern behind her back. On one hand she was glad the people she looked up to most knew there was a reason why she was a little strange sometimes and wasn't just weird, but on the other, she didn't like the attention being singled out brought. It was just like being called to the front of the class all over again. Everything was a double edged sword because of her anxiety, and it was as if she was the only one aware that the sword cut her no matter how she wielded it.
"And when that day comes," Sara continued, "when you finally embrace being Limelight, everything's gonna change. For the better this time, I promise" she added, feeling her sister tense up. "You're gonna be busier than ever being one of the seven pillars of the Justice League and captains of the Corps. Just you wait."
She wrapped her arms around Jessica who was suddenly finding it difficult to breathe. "I want us to have this vacation together, Jess. That way if the Lanterns reassign you across the galaxy, or The League sends you off-world, o-or if something bad happens to one of us, we'll always have this vacation to remember. I won't force you to come, but it'll be good for you. For both of us. I promise."
With unsteady hands Jessica hugged her sister, though not quite as strongly as Sara hugged her. "Phoebe said something similar," Jessica whispered. "Before every camping trip and before every wild night out, including the last one. She always told me to live for today because it won't be there tomorrow." She released Sara and looked her in the eyes, tears rolling down her cheeks. "The life I was living before wasn't much better than being dead, but I can't live like you or Phoebe. Not now, maybe not ever. To me, living for today means being dead tomorrow, just like Phoebe. Just like David, and just like Ethan, but what does it matter when you're already dead?"
Jessica took a deep breath and mentally counted off her favorite movies. Slowly counting to ten didn't do much for her besides remind her of her anxiety, but listing things that she loved usually helped. "I'll go, and I'll try not to complain too much, but only because you want me to. I'll even do my best to have a good time."
Sara smiled and hugged her again. "That's all I ask. Let me worry about everything for a change."
"I'll try, but no promises. Also, if part of Strata's welcoming celebration is getting naked, I'm coming back to my apartment and having a stay-cation."
"Fair enough, but I think Stratans only get naked at weddings. According to Atlee, they're not big on modesty."
"Neither's my roommate, or my sister for that matter..." She eyed Sara's shorts and tank top disapprovingly before getting back to her feet. "Why don't I get you some more chocolate. You deserve it after your big win."
"That I do!" Sara said proudly. "I-"
She was interrupted by a knock at the door that more resembled a battering ram, or perhaps a solar powered alien who didn't know their own strength. Seeing her sister frozen in the middle of the room, Sara gave her a not-so-gentle shove toward the kitchen. "You get the cookies. I'll get the door."
Sara went about undoing her sister's many security measures and rolled her eyes when Jessica all but screamed at her to check the peephole. "It's them, Jess," she confirmed. "Also, I'm in the presence of one of the most powerful superheroes on Earth. I think I'll be alright, and for the record, so will you."
The door opened revealing a tall redhead with orange skin spilling out of a purple bikini and a dark haired, grim-looking girl in a black and white leotard and knee high boots. They weren't the strangest visitors Jessica ever had in her apartment, but they were close.
"Sara!" Starfire shouted. "It is so very good to see you again!" She lifted the smaller girl into the air before embracing her. "I have not seen many soccer games in my time on Earth, and I understand very little besides kicking the ball into the other team's fishnet, but it was glorious!"
Sara beamed, and practically floated back into the air once she was on the ground again. "Thanks, Kori! It was so great seeing you all at the game!"
"Yeah, great," Jessica muttered. It seemed like the entire superhero community had turned out to show their support. Jessica hadn't been able to sit anywhere without someone from work wanting to sit with her and make small talk.
"Jessica!" Starfire cried. "You are finally awake! I was worried that perhaps you might be dead!"
She tried giving Jessica a hug but she quickly ran to the other side of the kitchen, putting the kitchen island between them, as well as a drawer full of knives. "Kori, what have I told you about personal space and hugs?"
"That personal space is personal and that you do not like the hugging," she answered sheepishly. "Especially when I am not as you say 'fully clothed'."
As if remembering that she was still spilling out of her swimsuit and that there were house rules against such things, she took to the air and floated over to her suitcase lying beside the couch she'd made her bed, and retrieved a pair of shorts and a purple tank top which she promptly put on.
She was still half-naked as far as Jessica was concerned, and dressed too much like her sister for comfort, but even more irritating was Atlee not locking the door behind her, and still wearing her work uniform. It was similar to Power Girl's leotard, boob window included but minus the cape. Apparently she'd forgotten to get changed, and had just strolled into her apartment midday in full superhero costume.
"None of the guys knew who I was if it makes you feel any better," Atlee said, reading her mind. "They thought I was doing some kind of goth Power Girl cosplay, which I take as a compliment personally."
"I see you've dropped the accent," Jessica noted.
She nodded. "Yeah, I kept forgetting that Atlee is supposed to be from Australia while Terra's from Strata. I don't know how anybody deals with having two identities. I can barely handle the one I've got."
While she looked human enough, Jessica's ring told her she was far from it, and according to Atlee, it wasn't even her original body. She was far stronger and more durable than the average human, but her real powers lied in having the ability to mold and shape the Earth at will. She was one of only a handful of Stratans with powers, but even so, Jessica was convinced that despite sharing a planet together, humans and Stratans had as much in common as humans and Tamaraneans.
"Have you decided what your next secret identity's gonna be?" Sara asked, taking another platter of cookies from her sister which she offered to the other girls.
"I dunno, but I was thinking maybe a British spy. It works for James Bond, so why not me? Beats being a photographer or journalist. You think maybe I should try being a geologist, or is that too obvious?"
Jessica rolled her eyes while Sara listened intently, offering her own suggestions. It seemed to Jessica that Atlee put more effort into creating a secret identity than she did actually having one, and it reminded her of someone getting stuck on the character creation menu of a video game. Not that Jessica paid much attention to such things, but even the most obsessive fan of superheroes would've been hard pressed to remember there being a third hero by the name of 'Terra'. Almost everyone on the job just referred to her as Atlee anyway, even the senior members who took the job most seriously.
Starfire had her own ideas which she was happy to share, such as being a famous soccer player like Sara, and out of the corner of her eye, Sara saw Jessica sneak back into her bedroom, muttering something about still needing to finish packing.
"Oh, Jess..."
With the door locked and bolted behind her, Jessica collapsed onto her bed wanting nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up again. She didn't care if she'd have to relive nightmares for all eternity. At least they were familiar. The world outside her apartment, not so much.
"This does not bode well," her ring said. "Your anxiety levels are the lowest they've been in several days, but so is your willpower, and you're already exhausted from just a few minutes of conversation."
"Dinah's new meds help with anxiety, not the stress," she mumbled into the pillow. "Besides, I've had a bad week, and every construct I make feels like I lose another night of sleep."
"Although the quality may be poor, you get more than a sufficient amount of sleep, Jessica. The trouble is you sleep in order to escape reality, and have done so for long enough to make it more than just a habit."
She opened her eyes and glared at the ring. "Maybe I wouldn't try to escape so much if reality didn't suck so much. In case you've forgotten, I spent a week training my ass off on Oa just to be able to keep calling myself a Green Lantern, and as soon as I get back to Earth, it's back to work."
"You are a Green Lantern, Jessica. It is your duty to protect the innocent and provide assistance to all those in need."
"No, it's my burden," she snapped. "I didn't ask for any of this! Towing spaceships, destroying asteroids, fighting fires, stopping tidal waves, and helping clean up after hurricanes is one thing. Nobody told me I'd be digging bodies out from under a school after an earthquake..."
She sobbed into her pillow, cursing herself for being weak and useless, and the ring for ever coming into her possession. Six months of making mistakes. Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Being too late to help anyone. Never feeling like she belonged. Never feeling like she made a difference. Wonder Woman was just pitying her by saying she had the spirit of an Amazon. The truth was Jessica wasn't far from being some kind of Make-A-Wish superhero. Maybe this was some kind of cruel practical joke the universe was playing on her. It wouldn't be the first time...
No matter how many people she saved, no matter how many people thanked her, it never felt real, and all she could think about were the lives she couldn't save, starting with Phoebe, David, and Ethan. She'd never be able to wash off their blood.
It was all her fault...
It always was...
When she finally ran out of tears she reached for the water kept at her bedside and guzzled it down. "I'm sorry, Ring," she sobbed. "I'm just tired is all, and I'm tired of being tired."
"That is why you are in desperate need of a vacation," it said, the sympathetic voice reminding her of David, her boyfriend before he was shot and killed in front of her. "You are more than entitled to one, and Sara is correct about it being your duty to establish relations between the Stratans, humans, the Justice League, and Green Lanterns. Only YOU can pull off such a feat."
"Sara's always right, except when she's not. That's what I hate most about her, but whose idea was it to send the agoraphobe as ambassador? Also, while I don't think I'm claustrophobic, I'd rather not find out two thousand feet under the Earth's surface. Have I mentioned I'm afraid of germs yet? What if Sara and I get sick from some kind of incurable bacteria? I can't handle getting any more shots. You know how I am around needles."
"You'll do fine, Jessica," the ring said, shifting its voice to sound more like her own to help with the rising anxiety. "Every time you have been scared about what tomorrow might bring, it's never been nearly as bad as you've feared."
"Except the times it's been even worse," she pointed out.
Jessica could've sworn she heard the ring sigh. "Those times have been few and far between, Jessica," it said, sounding almost in pain. "I'm very sorry about what you've experienced these past few weeks and how it's affected you, but you've saved many lives, and despite being afraid, you have showed time and time again that you have the ability to-"
"-overcome great fear. Yeah, I know. I've heard it all before ad nauseum. Just because I supposedly have the ability to overcome fear doesn't mean I actually want to get out of bed and face it. It's easy for you to say I'm conquering my fears or that I'm doing a good job. You're just a damn ring. A high-tech piece of jewelry. You don't have emotions, and you don't feel what I feel all the time!"
"You are correct. I do not experience emotions as you do, but I am rather fond of you, Jessica, and if it means anything, I am sorry for the burdens I've caused you."
Sudden shame crossed Jessica's face but she soon found herself smiling fondly at her ring. "It does, and I'm sorry for saying I wish I'd never met you. You're the best thing to ever happen to me." She twisted the ring around her finger, admiring its perfect beauty.
"You know what goes on in my head better than I do. Everything big and small just piles up until it feels like I'm coming apart and I explode." She took a deep breath and chuckled half-heartedly. "Guess it's pretty silly of me to get so worked up about Starfire sleeping on my couch, huh?"
"Considering it causes your anxiety to spike higher than fighting tornados? That's putting it mildly. Besides, you sit in the EXACT same spot every day, and have not once sat on that particular couch in our six months together. Even if she lacks modesty and you'll likely have to burn the couch after she leaves, Starfire has hardly interrupted your daily routine."
"I wonder how many of them will turn out like me," Jessica murmured, thinking of all the people she'd seen clutching lost loved ones the past week. Each and every one of them reminded her of Phoebe dying in her arms. "Hopefully I'm the only one like me..."
She didn't know how long she'd been laying there going through the familiar trains of thought before crying herself to sleep, but as usual her dreams were a muddled mess of people dying, being late for class, forgetting her bathing suit, and getting yelled at by the people she loved and respected most. They weren't terrible dreams, all things considered. They were familiar, and most of them had long since stopped being nightmares. It wasn't a deep sleep however, in part due to her company's loud voices just down the hall, but she rarely slept well anymore. Just because she didn't have nightmares in the usual sense didn't mean her dreams were all that pleasant.
*knock, knock*
"Jess?" her sister whispered from the other side of the door. "You awake? We're about ready to leave. Y-you still coming?"
Jessica groaned. She wanted to say that she wasn't. That she wasn't coming out of her bedroom, wouldn't be going in to work tomorrow, and wouldn't be leaving her apartment ever again. She wanted to say that she'd had enough. That the inevitable finally happened. She was giving up, and that she was sorry for wasting everyone's time. She wouldn't be wasting it much longer.
The words were on the tip of her tongue, but there were too many to get out without choking on them, so as usual she took the easy way out. Going through the motions was usually easier than outright giving up anyway.
"Be right there..."
(A/N: Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. Originally this chapter was going to be told from Jessica's perspective, but it organically evolved into being told from Sara's, I thought it would be interesting to see Jessica from someone else's perspective. Sara loves her sister more than anything, but her having to mentally prepare herself before seeing her struck a chord with me. Jessica strikes me as someone who would be difficult to be around, though it's not necessarily her fault. Sara's gotten used to it over the years, and I like to imagine Starfire and Atlee are a combination of bemused and oblivious to Jessica's struggles, in part because they're not human and don't always understand complicated human emotions.
Speaking of Starfire and Atlee, and I hope you enjoyed my portrayal of them. I took inspiration from a variety of sources for Starfire, and I like her blurring the line between obliviousness and her humoring herself. Atlee is a lesser known character, but she's existed since post-Crisis and is the third Terra (unrelated to the Teen Titans' Terra). You'll usually find her in Jimmy Palmiotti, Amanda Conner, and Justin Gray's works. She's relatively new to the surface world of Earth, and naïve, but since Power Girl took her under her wing, she's since been "corrupted" for lack of a better word. She's pretty good humored about life, and I don't think she'd fully understand the concept of anxiety, depression, and PTSD (for reasons explained later), and overall I view her as being amused and bemused by surface life. She's not quite as oblivious as Starfire, but she doesn't quite "get" humans and thinks they're rather peculiar. I'm looking forward to exploring their characters further, as well as their friendship with Sara, and their dynamics with Jessica. I hope you enjoy.
The cover image of Jessica's anxiety spiraling around her comes from issue #15 of DC Universe Rebirth's "Green Lanterns".
All credit goes to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who has blessed me with this story and wonderful readers such as yourself. God bless)