Chapter 4: Anxiety

Nessie's POV

I was calm. I mean I most certainly was not freaking out or anything like that. Or, at least, that is what I kept telling myself. Or I tried to tell myself as my heart pounded so hard that I could feel the blood pulsing in my eardrums. I closed my eyes and took deep steady breaths to calm my nerves. It was only when Beau started to cry that I opened them again. I took him out of his carrier and held him close to my chest. "Shh. Shh. It's okay baby. I'm right here,"

Somehow it was through holding my son that I calmed down a little myself. But it was entirely impossible for me to stay completely calm. Tonight I was going to meet my, my, my, gulp, family. It all seemed so surreal to me and extremely nerve wrecking. But isn't this what I wanted? To meet my real family? To get answers to the questions that I have had for many years? I finished eating my food and left the store. I got home and unloaded the groceries. I tried not to think about my meeting with Edward and my impending meeting with my family tonight. I was glad that no one was home at the moment. I felt like I was on the verge of having a panic attack and I didn't want the rest of my family to witness that one. I'd had one once before and it was not a pleasant experience.

I took deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. I did that over and over again for about five minutes. Finally I felt my heart begin to slow down a little. "Mama,"

My heart sank before it started pounding even harder than it had before. I looked at my son who was staring at me holding his arms out toward me. "Want mama,"

My head began to spin and I was sure that I was going to pass out. Because there was no way in hell my three month old baby just said that he wanted me. It was impossible. He was far too young to speak in any kind of intelligible way. " ," he desperately held out his arms toward me. His little hands clasping into fists over and over again. I didn't say a word as I picked him up. I was beginning to question my sanity. "Hungry,"

Okay. That was it. My brain had officially snapped. It was official. I was hearing things. That had to be the only logical explanation. But the weirdest part was that he really was hungry. As soon as he was able to latch onto my nipple he did. I felt a stinging and burning pain as he bit my nipple a little too hard. I could feel his baby teeth coming in and they were sharp. The nipple he nursed from already had the same crescent shaped scar that were on other parts of my body that he'd already bitten. I was a real live human chew toy to him.

I tried to keep my mind busy during the next few hours. But of course I failed miserably. When it came for me to start getting ready to leave I was more nervous than before. Not even the hot shower I took calmed me down as it normally would have. I bathed Beau and dressed him in the nicest pajamas I could find. All of my son's clothes were clothes that I had purchased from the thrift store. A fact that Natalie had criticized me for. It was all that I could afford though. Most of the money in my savings account were nearly gone. Not that there had been much in it in the first place. I had managed to save a few thousand last year from my job. But I'd been laid off from my job right before I went on leave and I was sure they weren't going to hire me back. So second hand stores it was. "Okay baby. Ready to go meet our family?"

Beau just stared at me quizzically.

"Yeah neither am I. Let's get this over with,"

After buckling Beau into his carseat I looked up the directions to the address that Edward had given me. I was surprised to see that it was about a thirty minute drive from where I was. It was a little ways away from the city but I was sure that I could get there without any problems.

I put on some music and tried hard not to think about what I was about to do. Then I eventually gave up on that idea. The more I tried not to think about it the more that I thought about it. Naturally. But isn't this what I wanted? Didn't I want to meet my family and find out the truth about what happened to me? Now I was about to get it and I felt like chickening out. I watched as the ETA on Google maps got less and less. My heart was beating fast again. I remembered the last time I'd had a panic attack. It was right after Natalie and I got arrested and I was terrified of what was going to happen to us next. Natalie was the one who comforted me when we were in the jail cell together. I didn't know why they thought it was a good idea to put the two of us together in a jail cell after what we did. I mean she was the mastermind behind our criminal ways. It was her idea for us to yell "fire" as loud as we could while we played with literal matches. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if we hadn't accidentally set the mall on fire. The fire department responded very quickly and not much damage was done. Or life loss. We were only twelve years old at the time. We were tried and sentenced to just a few weeks in jail and then six months of community service. The judge had been lenient since we were young. Natalie and I agreed to never speak of the incident again. Needless to say that was a very anxiety producing time. Yet, somehow, the anxiety I felt right now was much worse than that.

I was surprised when Google led me all the way to a very nice looking neighborhood. The houses were at least three stories tall and I was certain that no one in my family could afford one. I got startled when Goole told me that I had arrived at my destination. I sat there in my car for a few minutes. I begin to contemplate on just turning the car back on and fleeing as fast as I possibly could. But I didn't want to be a coward. Beau was fast asleep in his carseat. I tried not to jostle him when I picked him up but he still woke up. He didn't look pleased at all. He usually got very upset and fussy when someone woke him up. He was exactly like me in that manner. I usually contemplated physical violence when someone woke me up. One time I actually sucker punched my brother so hard that I broke his nose and knocked a few of his teeth out when he thought it was a good idea to come in my room and jump on my bed at 6 o'clock in the morning when I was dead asleep. I got grounded for a month for that incident but it was worth it. Plus, my brother never messed with me when I was asleep ever again. Beau got very fussy when he was awoken. I could see it in his eyes as well. Yup, like mother like son. I was proud.

My knees felt wobbly as I walked up the path leading to the front door. Then, out of nowhere, a wave of calm hit me and erased every trace of anxiety that I felt. It was weird and felt unnatural but I decided to just go with it. I paused a second before knocking on the door. A few seconds later someone opened the door. I was taken aback by the man who stood before me. He was handsomer than any movie star I had seen before. He eyed Beau and I with just as much curiosity as I did him. "Renesmee?" he asked, shocked.

"Yeah that's me and this little guy here is my son. I'm sorry. Who are you?" I asked.

"I'm Carlisle. I'm sorry Edward didn't inform us that you were coming,"

"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry I'll leave if this is a bad time,"

"No," he said quickly. "Now is a great time. Come on in,"

I walked in slowly. I gasped at Carlisle's ice cold touch when he put his hand on my shoulder. "Come this way. Everyone will be very excited when they know you're here. Actually, let me correct myself, Edward has just told them that you are here and they're waiting to see you in the family room,"

My heart started beating a little faster again and I felt like I was walking straight to the guillotine rather than to meet my family.

Oh holy fucking shit. There were a lot of them. Six teenagers, Carlisle, and a woman who I assumed was Carlisle's wife. I looked at each of them one by one. The big and burly muscular looking guy was impossible not to notice first. Next to him was a blonde beauty. My jaw dropped. She had to be the most beautiful woman in the world. Drop dead gorgeous. Just being in the same room as her was enough to take a hit to my self esteem. I could already tell that she could be a bitch when she wanted to be. She looked at me and then she looked at Beau as if she were ready to snatch my baby right out of my arms. The next girl I noticed was small and bouncing up and down like a hyper pixie on drugs. I could tell that I was going to get along with her just fine. The boy standing next to her looking like he was in pain I wasn't so sure about though. Of course there was Edward. But the girl standing right by his side caught my attention. She was beautiful as well. She looked like she wanted to cry. I had this overwhelming urge to go comfort her. I could see that she was hurting badly and I wanted to erase that pain but I didn't know how. Besides, I was a total stranger to her. I didn't even know her name. It would be strange.

The girl suddenly broke free from Edward, looked at me once before running away sobbing.

Please Review