PART 2: IT'S HARD TO TRUST WHEN ALL YOU HAVE FROM THE PAST IS EVIDENCE YOU SHOULD NOT

Chapter 20 - Bullies and bruises

Thanks in no small part to Madam Pomfrey's encouragement, Tuesday marked the first time Remus allowed his friends to visit him in the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey had pointed out that since the boys already knew he was unwell and where he was, there was no harm in letting them see him if he felt up to visitors.

The matron first broached the idea after lunch. Remus had been surprised at the way she addressed him. So far, she had been quite brisk though never unkind. After she had cleared away his lunch, however, she sat down next to him and asked if seeing his friends would be something Remus would find uplifting.

'While company can sometimes be disruptive, there are times when the presence of friends can have an healing, rather than a hindering, effect on recovery,' she said, leaving the decision entirely up to him.

Remus had wanted to see his friends but had been nervous about what to say if they asked about his condition.

'Direct any inquiries about your condition to me. Just say you are unsure,' Madam Pomfrey said with the sort of confidence that made Remus believe they could do this. 'As for your symptoms, feel free to share those with your friends - except, and I hope I needn't say this, any injuries following your transformation.'

Madam Pomfrey's eyes flickered conspiratorially. "Keep to the truth, my dear. It is your symptoms they expect you to know, and those are non-descript. I will handle the rest."

And so it was decided. Peter, James and Sirius visited the Hospital Wing after their final lesson that day.

To Remus' astonishment, Peter burst into tears as soon as he saw him.

'Pete, what's wrong?'

Remus was worried James and Sirius might have done something, but Sirius had put an arm around the boy, albeit with an expression of half-amusement, half-annoyance.

'Pete thinks you're dying,' Sirius explained.

Oh, right. Remus remembered that Peter's father had died of cancer. Too much of Peter's childhood had been marked by disease. No wonder this would scare him. But people got sick all the time.

'We tried to tell him you're not dying,' James added, pulling up a chair beside Remus. 'You're not, are you?'

''Course he's not,' Sirius interjected, moving to sit beside Remus and Peter. 'Only... Pete saw your dad with McGonagall yesterday.'

'So that made us wonder...' James trailed off, his hazel eyes studying Remus intently.

'No, we didn't,' Sirius interrupted quickly. 'You're fine, aren't you?'

Peter sniffed.

'I am fine,'Remus reassured them, squeezing Peter's hand.

"But your mum's ill, and your dad was here..." Peter's voice trailed off, tears still streaming down his face.

Sirius rolled his eyes, though there was a forced quality to it.

They all worried, Remus realised. Peter might have been the one to most openly display his concern, but in their own way, none of them was taking this lightly.

How different this would be if they knew. They would want nothing to do with Remus. Was it wrong to deceive them? Didn't they deserve to know the truth? And yet, Remus felt warmth seeing how concerned they were, their display of affection. He had never had friends before Hogwarts. To have friends, for as long as he could keep this secret, was too good to throw away. And Remus knew these friendships had an expiration date. There was no point rushing the truth. They would hate him when they found out anyway, so why not let them add deceit to his list of sins?

'Madam Pomfrey assured me it's nothing to worry about,' Remus said, recalling his conversation with the matron earlier. 'It was just a fever, and yes, it wasn't pleasant, but dad was only here because he was...'

What was Lyall Lupin if not worried? What other reason did a father have to come to Hogwarts? Maybe his father's visit had been a bad idea.

'It's not a big deal,' James reassured, coming unexpectedly to Remus' aid. 'I bet you my mum and dad would be here in a heartbeat if I had a fever. Parents always worry.'

Remus couldn't help but send a smile James' way: 'They do, don't they,' he mused.

Some with more reason than others.

'I tried to tell Pete this, but he wouldn't listen,' James shrugged.

'Pete, how did you know it was my dad with McGonagall?' Remus asked.

'Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let us see you or tell us anything about how you were doing,' Peter explained, his expression a mixture of uncertainty and discomfort. 'So, I went to McGonagall to see if she knew what was up, and just then she came out of her office with your dad... and...'

Peter shrugged helplessly, but Remus couldn't help but feel impressed by Peter's initiative. Remus had the impression that Peter was a little frightened of their head of house, so to go and seek her out was brave.

Sirius glanced quickly at Peter with something that approached pride: 'He's not completely useless, our Pete.'

/

Remus returned to school on Wednesday morning, still a little worse for wear, but worried about missing any more classes. Peter seemed to have found some confidence in knowing that it was he who was the expert on illness of the three other boys. The small boy kept telling Sirius and James off if they walked too fast up or down the stairs for Remus. Though they teased Peter and moaned about 'who had put him in charge' they listened to him.

Sirius took on the task of carrying Remus' books around that first day, telling Remus, not infrequently, that he looked 'like death'. Meanwhile, James had made it his mission to hex anyone (mostly Slytherins) who dared making similar remarks to those of Sirius. His favorite spell for these occasions was the tickling charm Rictumsempra.

'They were laughing at you, it's only fair to give them a helping hand,' James would say whenever Remus tried to suggest James should just leave them be.

But most of those James hexed did far less than laugh at Remus. It was usually just snide comments, which, if they hadn't been about Remus' looks or health, they would have been about something else equally insulting, directed at him or someone else in Gryffindor. Slytherins and Gryffindors insulted each other as a rule.

Fortunately, most students hadn't really noticed anything amiss, which suited Remus just fine. He'd just been unwell for a few days, and as the weather grew wetter, more windy and darker by the day, Remus was not the only one to fall ill.

Remus suspected that James' fervent hexing spree following his return was partly a result of James wanting to demonstrate how he would treat anyone who went against his friends. Remus would have been blind not to notice how affected James had been by the attack on Sirius by Snape. It became more and more evident as the days passed that if there was one person who really felt the force of James' newly learned spells, it was that Slytherin.

James especially seemed to take pleasure in sending tripping jinxes after Snape at particularly precarious moments for the boy. These included when Snape was carrying vials of ingredients back to his cauldron or navigating the final few steps in crowded areas: areas where people would stop, and laugh or jeer at the pale boy with the greasy hair and long nose.

During one incident in the Great Hall, James tripped Snape with a well aimed jinx to much laughter from the Gryffindor table. Enraged, Snape lunged at James. Snape was no match for James even without Sirius, and with his friend, the two managed to overpower the boy within seconds. Mindful of the teachers' presence, neither James or Sirius did anything more than stop Snape from hammering his fists into James' face.

All in all, Snape's attempted muggle-attack did more damage to his reputation than the tripping jinx had done.

'He got a full week's worth of detentions, and everyone now knows what an unhinged bastard that - that thing is,' James spat with such venom that Remus felt a slight tremor down his spine.

'Just be careful,' Sirius remarked casually, though Remus noticed that Sirius' eyes were alert. Like himself, Sirius had picked up on the equally venomous looks Snape sent James. 'We know slimy Snivelly can bite.'

'We'll just have to make sure he doesn't get the chance,' James said dismissively.

Sirius grinned: 'Naturally.'

Returning with forced focus to his transfiguration homework, Remus couldn't shake the unease settling in his gut. He despised bullies, yet here were his friends, veering dangerously close to becoming the very thing he disliked. Worse still, they seemed to be leading Peter down that same path.

It was clear to Remus that Peter knew what it was like to be bullied, so Remus could understand - he really could - that it was tempting for Peter to assume the reverse role - the role that would give him control. Protected by James and Sirius, and never being the one to start confrontations or do much other than to laugh and cheer on his friends, Remus could find it in him to forgive Peter.

It was harder to rationalise James and Sirius behaviour when they targeted Snape or other students, mostly Slytherins. Their justifications ranged from 'she looked like a troll already, I was just helping,' to 'cowards those Carrows and that Yaxley... they were three on one - what were we suppose to do? Ignore the boy?' Remus' replies varied equally from: 'it's nothing to you how she looks' to 'you could get a teacher... or a prefect?'. But all Remus' protestations fell on deaf ears, as far as he could tell.

At times, Remus convinced himself that James and Sirius simply didn't understand that they hurt people. Their capacity to care for each other, and for Remus and Peter, helped Remus in these moments. Surely they were good people? They were good friends. Other times, Remus was more blunt with himself: he didn't cut them out because they were his friends. They were full of life and loyal. Within these first few weeks, Sirius and James had showed Peter and Remus more of Hogwarts than he was sure many in their third year had seen. How could anyone turn their back on such friendships?

In his weakest moments, Remus entertained the idea that he could influence them for the better. But deep down, he knew it was a lie.

/

'Something's not right,' Sirius muttered.

'Hm?'

It was Tuesday evening, the week after the full moon, and Sirius had been restless since tea. James had gone flying, undeterred by the darkness or the rain or the howling wind. While Sirius gladly joined James when the weather was okay, James had never yet been successful at getting his friend to join in these conditions. Remus shared Sirius' view on the matter. However, this left Sirius with only Remus and Peter for company. Having finished most of his homework (though when he and James managed to do any work was anyone's guess), Sirius was bored. And he wasn't shy about letting them know.

'James is back,' Sirius said, and there was a hint of tension in his voice, 'and he's hurt.'

This did get Remus' attention. He looked up, noticing that Peter did the same, to see their friend make his way up to the dormitory, his usually messy hair plastered to his forehead and his robes dripping wet. James looked maybe a bit less happy than usual, but it couldn't have been pleasant, flying in this awful weather.

'Are you sure?'

On the one hand, Remus considered himself quite good on the topic of injuries. He'd seen - that was, he had experienced - a whole array of injuries, after all. And he couldn't see anything amiss with his friend. On the other hand, nobody knew James like Sirius did.

'Well, let's find out, shall we?' Sirius urged, already getting up to follow his friend.

Remus felt a twinge of guilt as Sirius caught James pulling off his flying gear, though he was sure he was the only one with that particular feeling. Sirius threw Remus a somewhat smug "I told you so" look before turning his attention to James, while Peter looked stunned - whether at Sirius' apparent clairvoyance or James' bruised upper body, Remus couldn't tell.

The bruising that was starting to appear across most of James' left side was hard to miss. James was struggling to remove his robes, and, faced with his three friends staring at him, he seemed unsure whether to try to cover up the bruising or just accept the fact that they had all seen it.

'Here, let me help,' Remus offered.

Remus knew too well what it was like trying to wrestle in and out of clothes with injuries. It also kept his mind occupied, a welcome distraction from the nausea creeping up on him.

Sirius had just demonstrated how swiftly things could go awry. Whether James had intended to keep this under wraps or not, Sirius had not given him the choice. That could have been Remus.

It still could be Remus, if he wasn't careful.

'What happened?' Sirius demanded. 'Did you cross paths with Snivellus or those berks from last week - the Carrows and… what's-his-name.'

'Doesn't matter,' James said.

'It bloody well does matter!' Sirius said with feeling. 'They did this, didn't they?!'

'Blimey, calm down, mate! I'm just a bit bruised that's all. And Merlin, of course they didn't do this! Do you think they'd get the better of me?'

A bit bruised was putting it mildly, Remus thought, but he agreed with James. At least this time, it was just bruises. They'd heal, though how James planned to tackle Quidditch practice the next day was beyond him.

Having watched a practice with Peter and Sirius, who'd attempted to explain the sport, Remus hoped it'd make more sense once he watched an actual match. He had seen enough to learn a couple of things: James was indeed very good, and while his skills didn't rival those of his teammates, James was also considerably younger; and, Remus realised, watching his fellow Gryffindors zoom around on brooms was oddly entertaining. Perhaps Quidditch might be fun to watch, after all.

That didn't sway Remus from his view on its dangers, though. He couldn't fathom why anyone would willingly participate. The bludgers had been a real shock: 'players send those balls to knock their opponents off their brooms?' Yes, had been the answer.

'Who did this?' Sirius persisted, his anger palpable as he settled next to the slightly shivering James.

Remus fetched a towel for James. He had to be freezing cold.

James shot Remus a grateful look as he took the towel and tried to wrap himself as best he could.

'Nobody, okay? I just...' James looked distinctly embarrassed, 'had a small crash that was all.'

'You? On a broom?' Sirius looked surprised. Then: 'James, how good is your night vision?'

'It's not that!' James protested. 'I messed up, okay? My vision is as good as anyone's.'

'With glasses,' James quickly amended as Sirius snorted.

'Sirius, we've been sneaking around the castle since our first night. You would have noticed if something was up. I made a mistake, and that's all.'

'That is not all,' Sirius grumbled, but only after he had finally allowed James step into the shower.

'You don't know that,' Remus said.

'The bruising is all wrong. If he fell off the broom maybe…'

'Maybe he crashed and then fell?' Peter suggested.

Sirius looked like he was going to argue back, but then he shrugged: 'Maybe.'

/

'I've got something that might help,' Sirius said once James came out of the shower, noticing how his friend winced as he picked out some dry clothing.

'Just leave that be for a bit and I'll get it.'

'Admit it, you love this view,' James grinned.

Sirius refrained from answering as he dug through his still rather full and distinctly disorganised trunk.

'Here, this should put you right in no time,' Sirius said, tossing a glass bottle with some liquid over to James. 'Shit, sorry, I should have -'

James had caught the bottle, but Sirius' aim hadn't been on point and James grimaced as he was forced to twist his body to grab the bottle.

'How did you get this stuff?' James asked, studying the label. 'This is expensive.'

'Nicked it,' Sirius said. 'From the Elixir Emporium. I had hoped someone would catch me and confront Mother about it, but… no luck. Adults are blind.'

'They are,' James agreed, applying the potion.

But Sirius' story didn't add up. Not that Remus was an expert on theft but he was sure that if Sirius had wanted to get caught stealing, he could have. But why lie about stealing something you hadn't? And if he had stolen a bottle to heal minor injuries and bruises, that begged an entirely different set of questions altogether.

If Sirius was right that James wasn't being truthful, then the two boys were both keeping something from the other.

Well, Remus thought later that night as he listened to James and Sirius' muffled voices, at least I'm not alone in keeping secrets.

A/N

I keep debating whether it's necessary to put this as a disclaimer because I hope this has gone without saying from the start, but I do not endorse any of the bullying James or Sirius do. I hate writing it - I think they are awful, especially towards Snape - but I promised myself that this isn't going to be a story that glosses over James or Sirius' good or bad sides.

Now to the geek stuff. (1) The Elixir Emporium: we know that in Diagon Alley there is a shop with 'windows stacked with ... potion bottles' (HP1) and that there's an apothecary with potion ingredients that Harry gets his supplies from, but I don't think they are one and the same shop. So... I could go into various HP games to find a name or I could make one up and the latter is much more fun. (2) The Tripping Jinx: We don't see this used until the OOTP I think, but it feels like a relatively simple jinx? I refuse to believe it's a hard jinx.

I hope you're enjoying the story and apologies for my long replies to your comments some times. I just love geeking out over this stuff - I hope you do too :)