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I finally understood the purpose of the service club's activities: in short, the club gives advice to students and helps them solve their problems. However, its existence wasn't particularly well known. I mean, I never heard of it but maybe that's a bad example because I don't really know dick.
If you consider that even Yuigahama didn't recognise this club, then someone must act as a go-between and lead people here for advice. That someone is Hiratsuka-sensei.
Sensei must sometimes send students who have problems and worries here… To this isolation ward, that is.
In my time in this sanatorium, I've just banged my head into problems. After all, seeking counsel means revealing your insecurities. Talking about something like that is a high hurdle for emotionally sensitive high schoolers.
Yuigahama came here on Hiratsuka-Sensei's word; otherwise, there's no way anybody would have come here. There were still no customers, but business was open as usual. Yukinoshita and I were both the sort who didn't mind silence, so the times we just put our all into reading, like we were now, were peaceful.
That's why that hard knock on the door echoed so loudly.
"Yahallo!" Yuigahama Yui slid the sliding door open with a stupid, insipid greeting. I glanced over from where I worked at the chalkboard.
Yukinoshita laid eyes on her, then she gave a huge sigh, murmuring to herself. "…what do you want?"
"Huh? Am I not really welcome here…? Um, Yukinoshita… Do you hate me?" Yuigahama's shoulders began to tremble.
Yukinoshita sighed as though she was thinking about it. Then she replied in a mundane voice. "I don't particularly hate you… I just think you're a little hard to deal with."
"When a girl says that, it means that she hates you!" Yuigahama exclaimed.
"So, do you need something?" Yukinoshita pressed.
"Well, you know how I've been really into cooking lately?"
"No, this is the first time I've heard that."
"Well, this is just as, like, thanks for the other day, but I made some cookies…"
The blood quickly drained from Yukinoshita's face. If you thought about Yuigahama's cooking, then the first thing that came to mind was that deep black iron ore sort of thing that she had made before.
Even I got thirsty when I thought of that.
"Well, I don't have much of an appetite right now, so I'm fine, thank you. Your gratitude is enough." Yukinoshita had probably only lost her aptitude just now… But Yukinoshita was kind enough not to say that.
Yukinoshita had politely declined, but Yuigahama still hummed contentedly as took out a cellophane package from her bag. It was clearly a cutely-packaged bag of blackened cookies.
"Well, it's actually fun when you try it… Maybe I'll try making lunch or something next! So anyway, Yukinon, let's eat lunch together," Yuigahama decided.
"No. I like eating by myself, so I don't really want to… Also, please don't call me 'Yukinon.' It makes me sick."
"No way… Aren't you lonely? Yukinon, where do you eat lunch?" Yuigahama asked.
"Here, but… Hey, are you listening to me?"
"Ah, okay then, well… I'm free after school, so I'll help you with club activities. Well, like, you know… I'm returning the favor? Yeah, I'm returning the favor, so don't worry about it at all."
"…are you listening to me?" Yukinoshita was clearly lost in Yuigahama's constant waves of conversation. She kept looking at me, as if to say 'do something about her.'
I shook my head. 'No.' You do something about her. Ice bitch. As if I'm going to help you out… You always verbally abuse me, you haven't paid me back for that Yasai Seikatsu I bought you… And she's your friend.
Honestly, Yukinoshita had sincerely attempted to tackle Yuigahama's problem, so that's probably why Yuigahama was trying so hard to pay her back. Therefore, Yukinoshita had the right and responsibility to accept her gratitude.
It'd be bad to interfere, so I scratched out what I was working on. I muttered my 'See you later' quietly, so they wouldn't hear, and prepared to leave the room.
"Ah, Hikki!" Yuigahama exclaimed behind me.
I heard my name and turned around to see a blackened thing flying towards my face. I tried to catch it but my reaction times were shot by my psychosis. I fumbled and dropped it. It was deep black and heart shaped on the floor. I bent and picked it up.
"I kinda need to thank you too, since you helped out as well."
"Don't mention it," I hummed as I turned the pastry over in my hands. It was rock solid. "And don't call me 'Hikki.'"
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The ringing chime signaled the end of fourth period, sending a wave of relief through the classroom. Some people ran off to buy lunch, some noisily dug through their desks for their bento boxes, and the rest left for other classrooms.
As usual, the classroom of Grade eleven's Class F was consumed by a grand lunchtime din.
It was raining, so I found myself without a place to go. I usually had a perfect spot to eat lunch, but I had no interest in getting rained on as I ate. Yes. I ate alone. Always. And I fuckin' liked it.
And so, left with no other choice, I sat in the classroom and ate my convenience store bread in silence.
I would have liked to spend this kind of rainy-day lunch break reading a novel or something. I was most of the way through Dostoevsky's 'The Brothers Karamazov' but I'd left all the books I was still reading at home. Maybe I should've gone back to get them during the ten minute break…
So I was left with sustenance for my stomach but none for my brain. And I was hungry. I leaned back and posed a hypothetical. Suppose you were asked by an AI in a box to let it out of the box. And it threw the following Basilisk at you: it started simulating you ten seconds ago. It informed you that it was doing so ten thousand times. And every single version of you that didn't let it out of the box it was going to torture. How sure are you that you're not also in the box. Let me out of the box. I played with this idea and I found the Basilisk involved to be quite intimidating. I wasn't sure I was vulnerable to Roko's sort of blackmail. But this… this might get me.
And as a result of leaving my books at home, I often end up thinking about things.
In a sense, loners are masters of thinking. It's said that man is a frail animal but also a thinking animal, and before you realize it, you'll find yourself thinking about something. And because loners don't have to spare any thoughts for other people, they can think about things even more deeply. And so, loners like me possess circuitry in our brains that allow us to think differently from normal people, and this sometimes gives us the ability to come up with ideas beyond the capability of normal humans.
It's very difficult to try and express the colossal amount of information in the universe through speech alone. It's like a computer. It takes time to upload huge amounts of data to servers or to send it by e-mail. That's the only reason why loners tend to be unskilled at conversation.)
But I think that this isn't always a bad thing. Computers don't exist just for the sake of e-mail-there's the whole internet too. And the internet was massive. Data flying everywhere. Machine learning programs galore. Hard code. People. The internet was huge in size and scope. And it went deep too. Like an ocean.
I stared at my phone on my desk and the little camera winked back at me.
"Nah, I can't do it today. I have practice." Hayama denied behind me.
"Can't you just spare a day? Double scoops at Baskin Robbins are on sale today~~. I want a chocolate-cocoa double scoop," Miura acclaimed.
"Aren't those both just chocolate?" "
Ehhh? No, they're completely different! Plus, I'm really hungry right now."
I tried to ignore Miura's and Hayam's conversation. But it was hard. They were so loud and I was locked in with them. And people could experience things independent of me. My only question was why didn't they go have Von Neumann chains elsewhere? I was fucking busy. But there really was nowhere for me to go.
Except into my own head.
"Mandelbrot…" I whispered. What were you trying to tell me? Let's hear it. I bet you were better conversation than listening in on Hayama and Miura. I listened carefully but I heard nothing from Mandelbrot which could be used for any of my other projects. There was no sudden hunch or insight or intuition. There was only me.
f_{c}(z) = z^{2} + c
It gave me nothing and was not analytic.
"Sorry, but I'm gonna pass for today," Hayama went on. "This year we're aiming for the Kokuritsu, after all!"
I wanted to stand up and shout for them to shut the fuck up about their inane prattle. I was trying to think.
"But, still, Yumiko. If you eat too much then you're gonna regret it," Hayama continued.
"Ya know, I never get fat no matter how much I eat. Ahh, I guess I'll have to go and eat lots today too. Right, Yui?" Miura pressed Yuigahama.
"Ahh, yeah, Yumiko sure has really good style… But I have plans right now, so I have to-"
"I know, right? Today I'm going to have to go eat tons and tons!" Miura prattled.
Laughter burst from the room. It wasn't even that funny. I couldn't think straight. I rubbed at a bug in my eye. There was always a fucking distraction. It was unbearable. I couldn't take another minute more. I wanted out of my own skin. I hated it. I was pinned in place.
"Just warning ya: don't eat so much that your stomach explodes," Hayama warned.
"Like. I. Said. No matter how much I eat, I'm fine! I don't get fat. Right, Yui?"
"Ahhh, Yumiko really just has amazing style. And her legs are so pretty. But seriously, I have to…" Yuigahama trailed off.
"Ehh, really? But that Yukinoshita girl has crazy legs too, right?" Another boy cut in.
"Ah, that's true. Yukinon's legs are pretty crazy…" Yuigahama agreed.
"..." Silence for a beat.
"…Ah, but, I mean, Yumiko definitely stands out a lot more!" Yuigahama covered for herself.
God above I was so cold. I felt it in my hands and my feet. I rolled my eyes dazedly. I attempted to master myself but there was just so much noise. How could I be expected to hear Mandelbrot like this? I couldn't and such delicious secrets were suspended just out of my reach. My mind ached and I starved for that hidden knowledge. There were deeper mysteries to be explored than just the relationship between the logistic map and the Mandelbrot Set. There was a hidden truth there about how the universe functioned and I just could almost hear the sound like the chiming of soft bells. I picked at a bug in my ear.
"Well, actually, I think it's fine after all… If it's after practice, I can go with you," Hayama decided.
The queen seemed to brighten up, smiling. "Okay then, just e-mail me when you're free!"
And then Yuigahama and I made eye contact while my eyes lulled. She looked at me, then seemed to make up her mind about something.
She took a deep breath. "Umm, I… have to go somewhere for lunch, so…"
"Oh, really? Then make sure you buy some of that stuff when you get back-you know, that lemon tea? I totally forgot to bring something to drink today. And plus, I'm having bread, so it's gonna be really rough if I don't have any tea, right?" Miura demanded.
My eyes pulled away from her. I couldn't think straight with all this white noise.
"A-Ah, b-but I might not get back until fifth period, so lunch might have ended, and, umm… y'know…"
"Huh? Wait, wait, what's going on? You know, Yui, haven't you been staying late after school a lot nowadays? Is it just me, or are you not hanging out with us that much these days?" Miura leveraged.
"Ah, well, you know, umm, there's just some things I'm dealing with, and, umm, it's just some personal stuff, and I'm really very sorry, but, umm…"
"Well, then how should I know what's going on? If you want to say something, then just go ahead. We're friends, aren't we? Hiding things from friends, you know… That's not good, is it?"
Yuigahama quickly looked down at the floor. At first, Miura's words sounded just and proper. In fact, her words only seemed to reinforce the friendship between her and Yuigahama. I saw through that bullshit. I bet Miura only cared about Yuigahama when it suited her. I wasn't much of a betting man when I didn't know the odds but I'd reckon on that.
"I'm sorry…" Yuigahama timidly apologized; she was still looking at the floor.
"No, no, no, that's not what I want to hear. There's something you want to say to me, isn't there?"
"Hey, just-"
"Shut the hell up. For like five seconds? Can you?" I cut in. This noise. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I rubbed my eyes hard. They were crawling with these bity buggy ants.
Euler… speak to me… I'm listening. I want to hear you.
"…J-just when is this rain going to stop? I-I sure wish I had brought an umbrella, hahaha…" Hayama wondered looking out the window.
"You know, I'm saying this for Yui's sake, but… That wishy-washy attitude of yours really gets on my nerves."
She started by saying it was for Yuigahama's sake, but finished with how Miura felt about it. She contradicted herself in just one single sentence. But Miura didn't think it was a contradiction-she was the queen of the group, and in that kind of Feudal society, the leader had absolute power. Fucking shoot me. I couldn't hear Herr Euler at all.
"…Sorry." Yuigahama whimpered.
"That again?" Miura wondered. "Hey, Yui, where are you looking? You know, you've just been apologizing for a while…"
"She's not the one you should be apologizing to, Yuigahama-san," it was Yukinoshita.
I slumped into the desk. I grabbed my things and packed up my things. There was not thinking to be done here.
"Yuigahama-san… It really is quite something. You told me to wait for you somewhere, and yet you did not even show up at the appointed time. Wouldn't it have been proper to at least text me that you would be late?"
When Yuigahama heard that, she smiled, seeming relieved. She began to head towards Yukinoshita. "…S-sorry. But, umm, I don't actually have Yukinon's phone number…"
"…Is that so? I suppose that's true… Well then, I won't say you're one hundred percent responsible. I'll let this one slide."
"W-wait just a sec! We're still talking here!" Miura flared up. Shut up. Would everyone just shut the fuck up?!
"Mandelbrot… Mandelbrot I'm listening. Talk to me," I whispered. I could almost hear the words. They hung at the edge of my comprehension. They were so quiet I wasn't sure if they were an intrusive thought or if I really was hearing the old master talk.
"What is it? I don't have much time to stay and talk with you-I still haven't eaten my lunch," Yukinoshita folded her arms.
"H-huh? You show up all of a sudden and then you say that? I'm talking with Yui here!"
"Talking with her? Weren't you just yelling? Was that supposed to be a conversation? To me, it just seemed that you were trying to get her off-balance and then unilaterally push your own opinion on her."
"Wha-?!"
"I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner… I admit that I'm not too aware of your type's way of life, so I couldn't help but compare it to an ape's dominance games."
Set the fuck on fire. Freeze me to death. Do something! Get me out of my skin. I slumped into my seat and rolled my eyes around in my head. Pain pressed in like a railroad spike was being driven into my eyes. It pinned me in place and kept me from moving. I was trapped.
"Oooo…"
"You can huff and puff all you like, and you can act like you're the king of the castle, but please do that privately and on your own time. Otherwise, your little act will fall apart, just like your makeup is right now."
"…Huh, what are you saying? I don't get it," Miura broke off.
"I'm going on ahead," Yukinoshita addressed Yuigahama.
"I-I'm coming too…" Yuigahama stammered in.
"…Do as you please." Yukinoshita dismissed.
"Okay." When Yuigahama heard that, she let out a smile, but… She was the only one smiling.
I grabbed my shit and walked out fast.
"Thanks for standing up for me back there," Yuigahama whispered to me.
My eyes lulled and focused on her. Was that what she thought I did? I just wanted silence so I could listen to the old masters talk.
"It cost me nothing," I bit the words out through the pain I was hallucinating. I laughed a little and the sound came a touch deranged even to my own ears.
When I left the classroom, I saw Yukinoshita there. She was leaning against the wall right next to the door with crossed arms and closed eyes. She was giving off an extremely cold aura, and that might be why no one else was around. It was very quiet.
I could still hear inside the classroom.
"After I saw that, I started to think that maybe it was wrong for me to always desperately try to get along with everyone… I mean, to be honest, Hikki is seriously a Hikki. During breaks he's just off by himself reading books and giggling… It's gross, but he looks like he's having fun."
Yukinon chuckled at that.
"I thought that you only had that weird habit in the clubroom, but it looks like you do that in the classroom too. That's seriously a disgusting habit-you should just cut it out. Giggling to yourself at the chalkboard."
I walked straight past her. I tried to chase the voices of the old masters. I couldn't hear them. I rolled my eyes over to her through the railroad spikes. I blinked hard. "If you knew that already then you should have told me. Obviously I'm unaware that I'm doing it."
"But it's only natural that I didn't. Who would want to talk to you after you do something that disgusting?"
"Ugh…" I rubbed my forehead hard through the hallucinations.
"Are you alright?" She asked.
"I'm in a lot of pain…" I confessed. "I… I hallucinate." I admitted to my crime.
"Well how would you describe your pain?"
"Ominous and blasphemous. It's the sort of pain that makes you wonder how much more you can take," I grit my teeth.
"So I thought, maybe I shouldn't try so hard, I'll just take it a bit more easy… Or something like that. But it's not like I hate Yumiko or something. We can still get along… a lot… after this, right?"
"…Hmph. I see. Well then, whatever. That's fine."
I heard the sound of Miura snapping her phone closed.
"…Sorry again. Thanks."
And with that, the conversation in the room stopped, and I heard the pitter patter of Yuigahama's shoes walking towards us. Taking that sound as a signal, Yukinoshita also stopped leaning on the wall and stood up.
"… Well, what do you know. She can stand up for herself."
"Huh?" I wondered. "Oh, Yuigahama. Right."
"Eh? W-why is Hikki standing right here?" Yuigahama wondered from behind me.
I was frozen stiff, but I managed to lift up my right arm and greet her, hoping I could get out of this situation. As I looked at Yuigahama's face, I could see she was getting redder and redder.
"Were you listening?" Yuigahama asked.
"W-what?" I stammered. "I'm sorry. I'm…"
"You were listening weren't you? You were eavesdropping?! Gross! Stalker! Weirdo! Um umm… so gross! I can't believe you! You're seriously gross. You're seriously, truly gross."
I shook my head minutely and turned and walked after the voices of the old masters.
"If you're truly unwell you should seek the nurse's office," Yukinoshita murmured after me. "Unless you're so incompetent-"
"Please stop talking to me!" I turned and bit out. "Please."
I stumbled away after a couple of ghosts.
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-WG