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It might be a little too late to describe how the service club worked, but we were supposed to listen to the problems of students and then try to help them out.
If I didn't remind myself every now and then, I really would forget what this club was for. Most of the time, Yukinoshita read books. I worked on my figures. And Yuigahama just played around with her phone.
"Mobius… transformation from one to two, negative one to, zero to positive infinity…implies… keep b as a free variable... the mobius transformation of \frac{bz+b}{bz}," I whispered to myself. "I to one. Zero to one, negative i to negative infinity… implies…"
"Hikigaya, do you mind remaining silent?" Yukinoshita asked without looking up.
"My apologies," I murmured. "My apologies..."
There were two other people in this room yet I remained alone.
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It was the next day. When I headed for the club room, I was surprised to see Yukinoshita and Yuigahama both standing in front of the door. I wondered what in the world they were doing until I saw that, for some reason, the door was ajar and they were peeking inside.
"What are you two doing?"
"Hyahh!"
I heard that cute scream, and at the same time the two girls jumped in shock.
"Hikigaya… You surprised me…"
"I'm the one who's surprised here…" I mumbled.
What kind of reaction was that? It reminded me of what happens if I come across my family's pet cat in the living room during the middle of the night.
"Could you not suddenly call out to us like that?"
Yukinoshita's irritated glare also perfectly resembled our cat. Now that I think about it, that cat is pretty friendly with everyone else in my family… That's one more way that Yukinoshita really reminded me of that animal.
"Well, sorry. So, what are you doing?"
Yuigahama had once again slightly opened the clubroom door and was quietly peeking in. When I spoke up, she was the one who answered me.
"There's a suspicious person in the clubroom."
"You two are the suspicious ones here…"
"Quiet-that's enough. Would you be so kind as to go in and see who this person is?" Yukinoshita requested. She had a testy look that I didn't particularly want to challenge.
I did as I was told, stepping in front of the two girls and carefully opening the door. I entered the room.
Inside, waiting for us, was the wind.
As soon as I opened the door, we were met by a breeze. It was a breeze typical of this near-the-sea school, and as it whirled around the clubroom, it sent papers flying.
The spectacle reminded me of those magic tricks where many white doves flew out of a magician's silk hat. And there, in the center of that world of white, stood one person.
"Ku ku ku, to think we would meet at a place like this… What a surprise. I've been waiting for you, Hikigaya Hachiman."
"You're not all there. Are you?" I asked the other boy. Not that I was one to talk.
I pushed my way through the whirling white papers to get a good look at my opponent. And so, standing there, I saw… Ugh, no, never mind, never mind. I didn't want anything to do with Zaimokuza Yoshiteru. Well, granted, I don't have much to do with most people in this school… But even amongst all those people, this guy was the person I least wanted to see.
I mean, look at him-he was sweating like it was summer, thanks to his damn coat and those fingerless gloves. Even if I knew him, I was going to pretend I didn't.
"Hikigaya-kun, that one over there seems to know you…" Yukinoshita, who was hiding behind me, looked suspiciously back and forth between me and 'that thing over there.' Zaimokuza seemed to cower for a moment under her ill-mannered stare, but he soon returned his gaze to me.
Then he crossed his arms and began to laugh once again in his low voice. He used exaggerated motions, shrugging his shoulders and slowly shaking his head.
"To think that you would forget your old partner… How low of you, Hachiman."
"He's calling you his old partner…" Yuigahama gave me a cold look, the kind of look that said, 'Go die, you pieces of garbage.' And you know what? I might. I might go die. Who could say?
"Indeed, old partner. You still remember, do you not? How we braved those hellish times together…"
"They paired us up in gym class. That was it…"
I couldn't bear to just go along with it any longer, and Zaimokuza grimaced.
"Hmph. Customs so evil as that may only be called hell. Pair up with whomever you like, they say? Ku ku ku, as if I desire friendship with this ephemeral body of mine! …As if I ever wish to experience a parting that will tear that body apart! If that is love, then I have no need for love!"
He stared off into the distance out the window. Surely there was some lovely princess's image floating up there, in that empty sky… Or maybe everyone liked Fist of the North Star way too damn much. Well, now that we'd come this far, you can probably tell how sharp this guy was. You could probably tell that he was one of those people.
"What do you want, Zaimokuza?"
"Hng, so you speak the name engraved in my soul… Indeed, it is I, the master fencer general, Zaimokuza Yoshiteru."
He flashily fluttered his coat, and as he looked back in our direction, he put a gallant expression on his chubby face. It seemed he had fallen completely into acting out the master fencer general character he had created.
Just looking at him made a throbbing pain run through my head… But maybe I should say that the throbbing pain was in my heart. More importantly, the stares of Yukinoshita and Yuigahama hurt even more than that.
"Hey… What exactly is that supposed to be?"
Yuigahama looked clearly irritated… Should I say unhappy? …and she was glaring at me. But, seriously, why in the world are you glaring at me?
"This guy is Zaimokuza Yoshiteru… We used to be gym partners."
Honestly, that's all it was. My relationship with Zaimokuza extended no further than that… Though it's not completely wrong to say that we were, in some sense, partners who had banded together to push through hellish times.
It truly is hell to pair up with friends.
Zaimokuza went through that same pain, and so he also understood how terrible those times were.
Ever since the first gym class, where Zaimokuza and I were paired up because we had been the only ones left over, we were always put together. To be honest, I really wanted to trade that huge chuunibyou oaf off to some other team, but I couldn't manage it, so I gave up. I also considered declaring myself a free agent, but unfortunately, someone of my level is just too expensive to hire, so that didn't work out either… Okay, fine, fine, I lied-Zaimokuza and I were just the only ones who didn't have friends.
As Yukinoshita listened to my explanation, she looked back and forth between me and Zaimokuza. That seemed to satisfy her, and she nodded.
"Birds of a feather flock together, don't they?"
"You mean that we're both fucking losers? With no friends?" I asked. My tone was neutral and self-derisive. "Yeah. Pretty much."
"Hikki…" Yuigahama trailed at my words.
"Hmph, I would have to agree. Indeed, I do not have any friends… I'm seriously alone, sniff."
Zaimokuza spoke in a sad, self-derisive tone. Hey, look, he's back to normal again…
"Well, it doesn't matter. Your friend there seems to want something from you, doesn't he?"
Yukinoshita's words almost made me want to cry. The word 'friend' hadn't made me so sad since middle school…
It hadn't made me that sad since the time I heard it from Kaori-chan in middle school… "I like you Hikigaya and you're really nice, but going out with you is a bit… Can't we just be friends?" I really don't need friends like that…
"Mwahaha, I've wiped that from my memory. By the way, Hachiman. This is the service club, is it not?"
"Did you just fuckin' say 'mwahaha.' Yukinoshita-san. When you set me on fire. Make sure you burn him too."
"Yeah, this is the service club."
Yukinoshita answered in my place. When she did that, Zaimokuza looked over at Yukinoshita for a brief second before immediately returning his gaze to me. Why the hell did he have to look at me?
"…I-is that so? Therefore, if Hiratsuka-sensei spoke true, Hachiman, you have a duty to grant my wishes, do you not? To think that after so many hundreds of years you would once again return to my service… This must be the work of the Hachiman Great Bodhisattva."
"It's not like the service club is here to grant your wishes… We just help you out a bit."
"…H-hm. Then, Hachiman, lend me your hand. Fu fu fu, now that I think about it… We are equals, are we not? Equals who, just as in times of old, will seek to conquer all that lies under heaven!"
"Whatever happened to that whole 'servant' angle? Also, why the hell are you only looking at me?"
"Ah-ahem! Such trifling matters do not concern people such as us! I will make a special exception in this case."
Zaimokuza coughed in a completely ridiculous way, perhaps to try and cover up his fumble. And then, of course, he looked right back at me.
"I apologize. It simply seems that the hearts of man have fallen from the ways of the days of yore. Oh, how I miss the pure times of the Muromachi Era… Do you not feel the same, Hachiman?"
"No. Dog." I let some pain into my voice. "Seriously what do you want."
"Uwahh…"
Yuigahama seemed seriously repulsed. Her face even seemed a bit pale to me.
"Hikigaya, could I speak with you for just a moment…?" Yukino asked.
After saying that, Yukinoshita pulled on my sleeve and whispered in my ear. "What is going on? What is up with this master fencer general whatever?"
Yukinoshita's cute face was very close to mine and she was giving off a pleasant scent, but her voice didn't have a single ounce of seductiveness in it.
Faced with that, I felt it was more than enough to answer with a single sentence: "That is chuunibyou. Just chuunibyou."
"Choo-nee-byou?" Yukinoshita looked at me, tilting her head to the side. I just noticed it, but when girls say the syllable "choo," their lips are really cute… What a strange discovery.
Yuigahama, who was also trying to listen in to our conversation, joined in. "That some kind of disease?"
"It's not like it's a real disease… Just think of it as a slang term."
In short, chuunibyou referred to a sequence of really embarrassingly painful behaviors often seen in middle schoolers.
And even amongst those people, Zaimokuza was a particularly bad case, deserving of the title of 'jakigan.'
These were people who yearned for the abilities and strange powers they saw in manga, anime, and games, and behaved as if they had those abilities. Of course, if they had those abilities, then they also had to make up stories to make such powers plausible, so they often pretended to be the reincarnation of some warrior of legend, or some human chosen by the gods, or some secret agent. And then they acted in accordance with that backstory.
Why did they do things like that?
Because it was 'cool.' My tolerance for real cool was real low so you can imagine how low I got over fake cool.
And so I briefly explained what chuunibyou was, and Yukinoshita seemed satisfied with that. I think this every single time, but I always truly admire how quickly this girl's mind can turn-it's almost as if I can say just one thing and she's already ten steps ahead of me. She never even needs that much explanation to understand the heart of a situation.
"I have no idea what's going on…"
In stark contrast to Yukinoshita, Yuigahama didn't seem very happy; she was muttering blankly. To be fair, I don't think that I would understand either if I had only heard my explanation… Honestly, understanding that quickly made Yukinoshita the strange one.
"Hm, so it's like using some backstory you dreamed up and putting on a play based on that, right?"
"That's pretty much it. In his case, he seems to have used Ashikaga Yoshiteru, the thirteenth-generation shogun of the Muromachi Bakufu, as his basis. It was probably easier that way, since they share a given name."
"So why does he consider you his companion?"
"He probably took Hachiman and turned it into the Hachiman Great Bodhisattva, didn't he? The Seiwa Genji worshipped him fervently as a god of war. You've heard of the Tsurugaoka Hachiman Shrine, right?"
After I responded, Yukinoshita suddenly fell into silence. What was wrong? I gave her a questioning look, and I saw that she was staring at me with wide eyes.
"I'm surprised. You're quite informed. Even about something such as this?"
"I'm the guy in the know," I defended myself. "It's what I do. I know things."
Unpleasant memories were about to resurface, so I suddenly turned my head away. Then I took the chance to change the subject.
"Zaimokuza's way of bringing up every little piece of historical trivia gets really annoying, but at least he's basing his character on real history."
Hearing that, Yukinoshita glanced briefly at Zaikomokuza and questioned me with a genuine look of displeasure on her face.
"…You're saying there are ones worse than that?"
"Yes," I murmured succinctly.
"So, just for my personal reference, what kinds of people are those?"
"In the beginning, there were seven gods in this world. There are the three gods of creation, the Wise Emperor Garin, the Warrior Goddess Mythica, and Heartia, the Protector of Souls. There are the three gods of destruction, the King of Fools Ortho, the Lost Temple Rogue, and the Deity of False Suspicions Lailai. And then there is also the Eternally Absent God with No Name. From the beginning of time, those seven gods have repeatedly brought prosperity and then destruction to the world. Presently, the world has already lived through that cycle six times, and this time the Japanese government is trying to prevent the world's destruction by finding the reincarnated bodies of those gods. Among those seven gods, the most important is the Eternally Absent God with No Name, whose powers are still not fully understood, and I, Hikig-… whoa, you're really good at leading questions, aren't you?! Hahaha, I'm seriously shaking, you almost got me to spill all the beans there!"
"But I wasn't trying to lead you in any way…"
"Disgusting…"
"Yuigahama, be careful what you say. You might find yourself accidentally committing suicide one day."
Yukinoshita let out an exasperated sigh, and then looked back and forth again between me and Zaimokuza before speaking again.
"In other words, Hikigaya-kun is in the same class as that one over there. That's why he's so informed when it comes to this master fencer general or whatever it is."
"What? Just because I fuckin' know things?"
"Right…" Yukinoshita gave me a doubtful look. It seemed that I was guilty until proven innocent.
But I didn't back off. I wasn't the same as Zaimokuza, so I could look Yukinoshita straight back in her eyes with confidence. Because what she said was not exactly true:
Zaimokuza was a loser. I was a schizoaffective loser. Not quite the same thing.
"I think I understand. You're here so we can help you cure this sickness, am I correct?" Yukinoshita was in front of Zaimokuza and asked.
Yuigahama was loudly whispering, "Yukinon, run away!" Ugh, poor guy…
"…Hachiman. I have joined you here to see if you will abide by your oath to grant our wishes. It is but a single, sublime desire."
Zaimokuza averted his gaze from Yukinoshita and looked at me. He'd definitely switched between first person and the royal "we" just then… How confused was this person?
Then I realized something. That guy… Every time Yukinoshita spoke to him, he definitely turned toward me instead.
Well, it's not like I didn't sympathize… Yukinoshita was the ice bitch.
"I'm the one talking here. When someone speaks to you, you should try and face that person directly."
Yukinoshita spoke in a cold voice as she grabbed Zaimokuza by the collar, forcing him to face her straight on.
Indeed. Yukinoshita herself had no manners, but she was really annoying when it came to the manners of others. It had gotten to the point where even I made sure I properly greeted her every time I went to the clubroom.
When Yukinoshita released Zaimokuza's collar, he began to cough severely. It really wasn't a good time for him to try and stay in character.
"… M-Mwahahaha… By Jove…"
"Additionally, stop talking like that."
"…"
Yukinoshita struck him down, and so the silenced Zaimokuza looked down at the ground.
"Why are you wearing a coat in this season?"
"… H-hmph. This cloak, as one of my twelve divine instruments, protects me from the demonic energies of this world. But each time I reincarnate into this world, it is this cloak that allows me to choose the most appropriate form to take. Fuwahahaha!"
"Stop talking like that."
"Ah, okay…"
"So, why are you wearing fingerless gloves? Is there a point to that? Those won't protect your fingers."
"…Ah, yes. Umm… These are an inheritance of my previous incarnation, and together, they are one of my twelve divine instruments. This special armor shoots out diamonds, and so I may more easily wield their power in combat, I let my fingers out into the open… Indeed! Fuwahahaha!"
"You're talking like that again."
"Hahaha! Hahaha… hah…"
Zaimokuza started with a boisterous laugh, but it soon devolved into a slightly tearful sigh. And then he once again fell into silence.
Perhaps she took pity on him at that point, but… Yukinoshita suddenly changed course, putting on a kind-looking expression.
In any case, is it fine if we simply say that you want this disease cured?"
"…Ah, it's not really a disease though…"
Zaimokuza, who still wasn't looking Yukinoshita in the eye, spoke in a very small voice. He just glanced at me every now and then with a troubled expression on his face.
He had completely returned to his true self.
It seemed that Zaimokuza was incapable of staying in character while subject to Yukinoshita's sparkling gaze.
Ugh! I couldn't watch it any longer! Zaimokuza was way too pitiful. It made me want to throw him some sort of lifeline.
I decided that the best first step would be to separate Zaimokuza and Yukinoshita, and therefore I took a step towards them… But I felt myself step on something.
It was one of the papers that had been flown through the room earlier.
When I picked it up, I saw a bunch of insanely difficult kanji lined up. That piece of paper completely stole my focus.
"This is…"
I raised my gaze from the page and looked into the middle of the room. These pages, typeset with forty-two words on each of the thirty-four lines, were scattered all throughout the room. I picked them up one by one and began to arrange them in sequential order.
"Hm, as expected… I didn't have to say a word for you to realize it. Truly this is proof that there was value in our struggles against those hellish times."
Zaimokuza spoke with quite a lot of emotion in his voice, but I ignored him. Yuigahama looked at the papers I held in my hands.
"What's that?"
I passed her the bundle of papers and she began to flip through them, checking their contents. I could almost see a question mark floating above her head as she tried to read the pages, but she finally gave out a long sigh and passed the papers back to me.
"What's this?"
"A draft of a novel… I think."
In response, Zaimokuza cleared his throat as if trying to reset the conversation.
"I am grateful for your keen insight. Indeed, that is a manuscript for a light novel. I intend to apply to a certain novel competition for new authors, but I have no friends, and so I have no second opinions. Read that, if you would."
"For some reason, I get the feeling that there was something really sad in the middle of that…"
You could say that the desire to be a light novel author was a natural symptom of chuunibyou. It was natural that they'd want to bring their imagination to life. And it wasn't strange for those over imaginative chuunibyou to believe that they would make good novelists. And of course it was a happy thing to be able to earn a living with something you loved.
So if Zaimokuza wanted to be a light novel author, then that was normal.
Coming all this way to show his work to us, on the other hand, was not normal.
"There are sites where you can put this kind of stuff up and ask for feedback, so why don't you just try one of those?"
"No use-those people have no mercy. Too much criticism. I would probably die."
…What a weakling.
But certainly, on the internet others show no restraint at all. The internet was merciless in pursuit of the truth. Arxiv was proof of that. Just as Perelman. They'll say what they want, whereas your friends would be more considerate of your feelings and try to say stuff to make you feel better about yourself.
Set me on fire.
Generally speaking, considering our relationship with Zaimokuza, we couldn't be too strict with him. It's definitely difficult to dole out a harsh critique when you're looking at the other person in the eye. We would probably have to go at it in a really roundabout way instead. Normally, anyway…
"But then…"
I glanced to my side and let out half a sigh. I met Yukinoshita's gaze; she had a blank look on her face.
"Yukinoshita is probably going to be harsher than the people online, you know?"
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-WG