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When I opened the clubroom door, I saw Yukinoshita reading a book in her usual place.
She heard the sound I made and lifted her little head.
"Oh my… I thought you weren't coming today."
She placed a bookmark in her book. Compared to my first days here when she would just completely ignore me and keep reading, we'd made quite a bit of progress.
"Oh, yeah… I thought I'd be taking today off but I've found I would miss my figures."
"Is that so?"
"A little. I hardly come around here for the company."
"You're not exactly good company yourself."
"I do okay. I'm not the queen of the iceberg but I manage."
Yukinoshita looked away, seeming a bit embarrassed. It seemed that nobody had come to the club for help today either. The only sound in that quiet classroom was the tick-tock of the clock. When I thought about it, I realized that it'd been a while since it was so quiet… Probably because of a certain noisy existence.
"What's Yuigahama doing?"
"It seems she's gone off with Miura-san and the others today."
"I see…"
That was a surprise… or maybe it wasn't. They were friends, and ever since that tennis match, I'd gotten the feeling that Miura had started to act more gently. That might've been because Yuigahama was finally able to speak her mind clearly.
"I'd ask you the same question, Hikigaya. You aren't with your partner today?"
"Totsuka is at practice. It might be because of that special training, but he's been really fired up about practice lately…"
Which meant I didn't hang out with him much. That fact made me very sad.
"Not Totsuka-kun, the other one."
"…who?"
"Who, you say… You know, the one who's always lurking in your shadow."
"Don't tell me you can see ghosts or something?"
"…sigh, don't be ridiculous… There is no such thing as ghosts."
"You'd be surprised. I see ghosts all the time."
"You hallucinate. That's not the same thing."
"Am I hallucinating now?" I wondered. I think she got the sense that I was genuinely asking because she looked up at me with narrowed eyes. "If reality is our sensory inputs how do we know I'm the one hallucinating. Perhaps it's you because you see things which I also can't. Tell me, what does it mean for something to be real? My hallucinations are real to me."
"But no one else can see them."
"Therefore they aren't real?" I wondered. "Perhaps you can fill in the syllogism. No one else can see them, therefore something, therefore they aren't real. You're excluding your middle."
She said nothing.
"What ghost do you see in my shadow?" I demanded at length.
"I mean that person. Za… Zai… Zaitsu? Something like that…"
"Ahh, Zaimokuza? He's not my partner though." Hell, I don't know if I'd even call him a friend. "He told me 'I'm in a big time crunch right now… Sorry, but I have to prioritize my deadlines for today' and he went home first."
"He sure talks like a hit novelist…" Yukinoshita mumbled with a clearly disgusted expression on her face.
"Maybe that's all it takes. The right attitude."
"You don't believe that," she accused.
"No. Or else anyone could do the figures I do. Couldn't they?" I tagged. "It takes a special quirk to do things rigorously when proving something. Not everyone has a knack for it."
"But you do?" She wondered.
"I want to. But that's not quite the same thing. I have no big proofs to my name yet. Not one despite all my studying and listening."
"Listening?"
"I hear the dead talk to me. The voices of long dead masters. I hallucinate," I purred.
"Don't do that," she ordered.
"Don't do what?" I feigned innocence.
"I'm coming in."
The door suddenly flew open.
"…sigh."
Yukinoshita lightly placed one hand on her forehead and sighed. She seemed resigned. I see… When you were in such a quiet space and the door suddenly opened like that, then you did start wanting to hurl insults around…
"Hiratsuka-sensei… Please knock when you want to come in."
"Hm? Isn't that usually Yukinoshita's line?"
Hiratsuka-sensei seemed a bit puzzled, but she pulled out a nearby chair and sat herself down.
"Do you want something?" Yukinoshita asked.
"I wanted to come by to see how you two were coping with one another. And I must say… not too bad," Hiratsuka-Sensei folded her arms.
"Mmm," I hummed noncommittally.
"I mean… I had fifty-fifty odds you two would kill each other." Ms. Hiratsuka informed us with a boyish sparkling glint in her eyes.
"I get close," Yukinoshita confessed.
"I get close to wanting her to," I agreed. "When you do it, make it look like an accident. Won't you?"
"Oh I'm supposed to take your advice? On how to kill you?"
"We both want it done right. I'm a screamer so when you murder me do it quick and I won't even be mad."
"See? You two get along swimmingly," Hiratsuka-Sensei ignored the fact we were talking about my death and was focused on the fact we were talking.
"Do we?" I wondered.
At the same time Yukinoshita professed, "I would never."
"See? You two work so well together but only when you're attacking someone."
"It's usually me," I yawned. "Neither of us are particularly attached to me."
"It's like you're old friends or something," Ms. Hiratsuka went on.
"What in the world… I don't recall ever becoming friends with that man."
"I'm flattered," I breezed with a light chuckle.
"What for?" Yukinoshita shrugged her shoulders. I was sure she was giving me a sideways glare, but then I saw that she wasn't even looking at me.
"You called me a man," I sniffed. "It's the little victories."
"Hikigaya, don't be so down… They say that there are bugs that even like to eat weeds. It's all a matter of taste."
Sensei tried to comfort me. I wasn't feeling down at all, dammit… And why did that kindness just feel painful…?
"Indeed…" To my surprise, Yukinoshita also seemed to join in… Wait, she was the one who depressed me in the first place. However, Yukinoshita only told the truth; she wouldn't lie about her own feelings, so she probably truly believed Hiratsuka-sensei's words. She gave me a kind smile. "I'm sure there is some insect somewhere who will, one day, come to like Hikigaya."
"At least pick a cuter animal, dammit!" It was pretty humble, even for me, not to ask her to pick a human instead… But that arrogant Yukinoshita clenched her fist, looking pretty proud of herself.
Perhaps she was really that happy with what she had said, but her eyes were sparkling; she really looked like she was enjoying herself.
I, on the other hand, didn't find it fun at all. I mean, weren't talks with girls supposed to be more hah-hah-he-he-lovey-dovey cutesy? Wasn't this completely weird?
"I don't… I don't need this. And I think this was an interesting experiment."
"What do you mean?" Hiratsuka-Sensei wondered.
"Well I gave your little club a shot. Didn't I? I gave it an honest try. But if my sort of problems could be cured by a cute girl insulting me, then I wouldn't have any problems. Sorry Yukinoshita. Better luck next time."
"You're going to leave?" Yukinoshita asked. She looked up at me with a look that was hard to place.
"Well, I wasn't going to stay around forever. And you wouldn't expect me to. And you wouldn't want me to. So I won't. Pretty straightforward."
"Yuigahama will miss you…" Yukinoshita trailed.
"She can find me if she really wants to."
I slumped my hands into my pockets and hunched over and tried to make myself as small as possible.
"I don't think that's a good idea…"
"I agree," Hiratsuka-Sensei chimed in.
"I don't see how you can force me and I don't see why I would want to be around any longer. Can you really honestly tell me that I didn't give this club a shot."
"If this is about me insulting you…"
"We both know that it isn't. I don't give a shit what you think."
"I see you never worked on his language," Hiratsuka-Sensei coupled.
"There was a lot to work on," Yukinoshita defended herself.
"There was a lot to work on. Far, far too much for one lonely little girl. It was arrogant of you to assume you could have helped me from the start. I need… well, I don't know what I need. To survive. Not this, though. And can you really blame me? I have better things to do with my time," I motioned to my wrist like I was wearing a watch. I was seriously on the clock.
"What about your voices?" Yukinoshita asked me.
"Voices?" Hiratsuka-Sensei wondered. "What voices?"
"The voices in my head," I clarified for her.
"Do they… do they tell you to do things?" Ms. Hiratsuka asked.
"Not often and never violence. They instruct me. In my studies. They give me advice. And sometimes it's good enough that I keep following it. I hear the ghosts of old masters of mathematics and physics whispering in my ears. It's a lot. I won't lie. It's hard to ignore and it's even something I sometimes chase after. I go looking for the advice of the old teachers."
"Like who?"
"Euler and Riemann. Dirac and Neumann. Einstein and Newton. Even old, old voices. Like Euclid and Eratosthenes. People I know didn't speak the same languages as me. I still hear them though. And they speak and it's for me to listen."
"What about your pain?" Yukinoshita asked.
"Zero stars." They looked at me blankly. "Would not recommend."
"You're in pain?" Hiratsuka-Sensei wondered.
"Only when I'm awake. Like a nail being driven through my foot. Or ants crawling across my eyes or in my ears. Down my throat too. Squirming and biting their way along. Or when it gets really bad pain like a railroad spike in my eyes."
"It isn't real," Hiratsuka-Sensei mumbled.
"I know. But it is real to me. And helping out people in this cute little club is nice. But it doesn't tackle my real issues."
"You see ghosts too. You mentioned it," Yukinoshita hummed in thought.
"Shadows jump out at me. I never hallucinate whole people like John Nash did. But I do see ghosts."
"And this is why you want to die. You're in agony."
"It's some of the reasons. It's not all but it's some. There's also the fact I'm a lonely loser. So there's that. I mean-I have my little sister and she holds me together."
"Let me help you a little while longer," Yukinoshita requested.
"I don't want your pity. You should get that. And you don't have anything that I really want. So… why should I? I could be motivated. Motivate me," I murmured.
"I don't think you're ready to leave this club," Hiratsuka-Sensei informed me. "I recommend that you stay and let Yukinoshita try and help you some more."
"To what end? It's not like she can cure me. The bullshit which is wrong with my brain isn't treatable. It's manageable. There's no cure and this is permanent."
"To what end? To make it so you don't want to kill yourself," Hiratsuka-Sensei pleaded. "Just give Yukinoshita more time."
"Isn't this a lot to put on her? Fixing me? I realistically need a team of doctors managing my brain and medications. I can't afford that. And I won't beg and be somebody's charity. So… let me die. When my time comes. It's not like I'm asking you for a whole lot. Just to let me die."
"I don't like it," Hirasuka-Sensei mumbled.
"Neither do I," Yukinoshita agreed. "You should at least be willing to work on yourself. To become better than you were yesterday. I've seen that drive in you. You're hungry. But you won't get there like this. Not by shrivelling up and becoming nothing. If you were out to die with dignity it would be one thing but this is disgusting. You're… you're…"
"I'm giving up?" I supplied. "What should I do then. If you were me. In your wise and humble opinions."
"I wouldn't give up," Yukinoshita impacted.
"So what should I do?" I begged. I honestly begged and that caught her off guard because I think she expected some resistance. "What should I do? If this is giving up- if this is wearing me thin- what should I do?"
"Fight it! Not die like a dog."
"It must be so easy for you to say that. Yet you curl up here and you wait for your own death like an aged animal. You're no better. Your only friend? Yuigahama? She put all the work into your relationship. Even my blindness I can see that. Or feel. They say Euler was blind," I hummed in thought.
"I wasn't born blind… I developed blindness. My left eye was always bad…" I listened to the specter's words.
"Or he developed blindness in his right eye after being blind in his left most of his life," I mumbled. "The point is you're hardly a role model on how I should live my life. Your brain is healthy. And you squander it. You waste your potential and don't try hard because you're talented. I worked hard to get where I am with mathematics. I worked so fucking hard. Have you ever worked hard in your life? And I'm supposed to listen to you for advice on how I should die? Cut me some fucking slack."
"Keep working hard then. But not on your maths. On this. On being a better person. You'll do that by staying here with the club. Don't just give in to your disease. You have to fight it. You have to fight back against those old ghosts."
I breezed a hand through my hair.
"Do you really think I could make it?" I asked Yukinoshita. She wouldn't lie to me. I had her in a corner. Me on one side and her nature on the other. And they said if you kicked nature out through the door it would come flying in through the windows. Dostoevsky said it.
"I'm not promising you an easy life," Yukinoshita began.
"Wouldn't want one," I agreed.
"But if you stay you can get better. You walk out that door and I don't think that you can make it. You'll die at the first opportunity. You stay and I think you have a real shot. Alone you're clueless and you don't have a prayer. That's what I think. You say you want to get better. Now is the time to prove it. You can walk out that door and you'll sure have shown me. But you'll also have shown yourself that you don't even want to try to get better. It's cowardly. I… I have my issues too. But I don't run from them. I don't shy away from a chance to grow. I seize it. When Yuigahama reached out to me in friendship I seized it. I could have let her go. I could have let her drop away. But I was tired of being alone. I saw my shot at growth and I grabbed it with both hands. Can you say the same. Walk out that door and into your noose. If that's what you want. But you also have potential and a beautiful mind. You want to have big proofs to your name. You're hungry for more. I-I admire that about you. How hungry you are. It didn't have to be that way. You could have been sick and full and gorged yourself and said that you have had enough. But you haven't. You're starving," Yukinoshita finished.
I was quiet for a long time. Hiratsuka-Sensei looked between us.
"It would have been faster to just say that you would miss me too. I'll be back. I'm going to get a 'Sportop.' You want anything?"
Yukinoshita requested her juice. I stood from where I leaned on the table and I left.
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-WG