The trio and the teachers discuss options for Ochako to move forward. Himiko focuses on Izuku and Ochako. The trio are finding it more and more difficult to be separate. And Himiko dreams of the dark.
Getting Ochako out of the dorms without arousing suspicion should have been difficult, or so Himiko originally thought…but then Izuku stepped in. And she was treated to suddenly understanding how Izuku kept their injuries hidden for all these years. Her friend, the emotional, prone to crying at the drop of a hat, muttering hero fan…could lie. They could lie like a professional. It…was concerning, how easily Izuku had put on this smiling, cheerful face, how they quickly were able to explain that the trio was just going to Recovery Girl for some anti-nausea medication, oh no, they didn't need any help, it was a simple trip and they'd be back soon…
Honestly? It hurt to hear that tone of voice from Izuku. Without the emotions filtering across the bond, Himiko wasn't even sure if she would have been able to tell Izuku was being this incredibly fake…but being able to feel how they felt was more than enough. And she hated it. How many years had Izuku practiced this? How much effort did it take to perfect this, this…this lie that wasn't her Izu?
She didn't have enough time to ponder it though…getting Ochako to the nurses office took priority right now, because Ochako was broken. Across the bond, Himiko could feel it…Ochako felt like she'd failed at their promise already, and it was killing her. It was strange for Himiko to be able to feel someone else spiraling from the outside, making her wonder if that was how she felt when she had her own episodes in the past? Was it that different, or was it the same for everyone?
Izuku was a rock right now, and that was the best thing they could be. Izuku's emotions were the same as Himiko's…worry, fear, hurt, guilt, but all of those were buried under a steely determination that almost took Himiko's breath away, a sheer force of will that said they would get Ochako to help and would save her. Himiko had never doubted Toshinori's choice of Izuku…but this just reinforced it, and she took comfort in the strength and firm hand Izuku had given Ochako, half-carrying her between the duo but making it look like they were just giving a friend a helping hand. Not that it helped much with Ochako's unadulterated shame filtering across the bond, but it was the best they could do.
They made it to the nurses office without any real issue, too many students settling into their dorms to notice what they were doing. Without any fanfare, the door opened and revealed a solemn looking Recovery Girl and Midnight, the pro heroines immediately taking Ochako and helping her to a seat on the bed, leaving Izuku and Himiko standing there awkwardly…for all of three seconds before Ochako's hands reached out to grasp them by the arm and pull them to her side, desperately seeking comfort from the other two.
Midnight knelt down in front of the trio, one hand gently placed on Ochako's knee and spoke softly. "Can you tell us what happened?"
"I'm so sorry," Ochako whispered, refusing to lift her gaze from the floor.
"'Chako, please don't apologize, it's okay," Izuku tried to reassure her, but she seemed not to notice, her grip on their hands tightening.
"Hold on a second, Midoriya, okay?" Midnight made sure to smile gently at Izuku to take away any sting from her words, turning back to focus on Ochako. "Uraraka, apologies are important, but what's more important is you called me for help. I want to help you, and I will, but it will help if you tell me what happened. Can you do that for me?"
The room was silent for a good half minute, eventually broken by Ochako's stuttering attempts. "I-I tried, I really did! I had breakfast a-and I was fine! And we had dinner and it was nice and Himi got me mochi and I love mochi but I couldn't taste anything and I felt sick and it hurt and then I used my Quirk on accident but no one noticed but I-I couldn't help it, I felt so sick and I lost it and everyone's going to look at me weird and I ruined everything and I broke my promise and-"
"Uraraka, please, you need to breathe," Midnight cut her off, Ochako's frantic words freezing as she finally took a deep breath in, her face pale and drawn. Midnight gently squeezed Ochako's knee once more. "Recovery isn't a straight road, Uraraka. It's a journey and sometimes you stumble and fall, sometimes you have to take a detour, sometimes you have to forge a new path. Can you explain what you meant by this promise?"
Ochako froze. Izuku froze. Himiko carefully made no reaction but she didn't think that fooled the perceptive gaze of either Midnight or Recovery Girl…and she could already see the wheels turning in the other two's heads. Ochako would never break Izuku's trust, but Izuku was already considering explaining it for Ochako's sake, no matter how afraid they were…and Himiko wouldn't let them. Everyone already knew about her issues anyway, she'd take the attention off the other two.
"It's to me. 'Chako promised me she'd try to eat more if I was less critical of myself," Himiko explained matter of factly, ignoring the sudden searing gaze coming from Izuku. She had a feeling she'd be getting an earful about it later…but if it kept Izuku's emotions safe, she had no problem stepping forward.
Midnight met her gaze, Himiko's expression perfectly blank as Midnight seemed to be searching for something in her face, but after a moment she seemed to accept her word. "Alright. I understand. Well, let's ask her then. Himiko, do you believe Uraraka broke her promise?"
"Not in the slightest!"
"And since you two are bonded as you are, you couldn't lie to her if you tried, right?"
"Yep."
Midnight gestured to Himiko with her free hand. "There you go. She has made her position clear, and as the one who you made the promise to, she's the authority on the matter, isn't she?" Ochako didn't respond, but the squeeze of Himiko's hand made it clear she was still listening. Midnight continued. "Now, that said…it's not easy, Uraraka. You see, the thing about this illness-" Midnight held up a hand, cutting off the immediate protest Ochako started, "let me finish, please." Ochako sighed, nodding silently.
Midnight continued. "Let me tell you what I learned the hard way. Eating disorders are insidious, because by keeping you from eating, it throws your hormones and chemical balances so far off that it makes changing your mindset around food nearly impossible. You can't get a healthy mindset when your mind and body aren't healthy to begin with, after all. So the problem is…we have to start with one of the hardest parts. Your diet. As in, a diet plan."
"...but…I don't want them to see," Ochako whispered, her hands shaking.
"We can come up with any number of reasons why you're on a restrictive diet, Uraraka. No one else has to know your business if you don't want them to," Midnight reassured, her voice gentle. "Well, except these two, I assume?"
"We'll be here every step of the way, 'Chako," Izuku added, Himiko nodding rapidly as she pressed her arm up against Ochako's, trying to show some form of comfort.
Ochako was silent for a moment. "I wish I wasn't so pathetic," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.
"You're not. The fact you asked for help means you're strong," Midnight insisted. "It takes real strength to accept help, to fight against that part of you that says you should suffer silently and ashamed. It's a fight, a struggle, and it's one you can do, I promise you. I know it's hard to believe in yourself, but give it a try, just a little bit. You can do this, Uraraka. I swear to you, if you try, you can do this. You called me for help, so let me help you, and stop listening to that part of you that wants you to stay in the dark. Will you let me help you?"
The room was silent for a minute, Himiko desperately trying to ignore the emotions swirling in her breast, the ones she knew weren't her own…Only Ochako could take this first step, only she could make this call, and Himiko didn't want to let her own feelings interfere. Ochako needed to make this choice of her own free will, and meeting Izuku's eyes over Ochako's hunched form she could see the same thought percolating through their mind. They could only be there for her, and see what she chose in the end.
Ochako, her hands clasped tightly around Izuku and Himiko's hands, her hair falling in her face, shivering from cold and pain and shame…managed to lift her head, looking as if it was the effort of Atlas himself, the weight of the world on her shoulders. Tears in her eyes, she managed to look Midnight in the eye and with a sob, nodded silently.
Midnight reached forward and gently, moving slowly so Ochako could back off if she needed, wrapped her arms about her student. "Alright," she whispered, her voice barely audible. "Let's start down this path together, okay?"
"...okay," Ochako whispered.
It took another hour to have the difficult discussion with Recovery Girl and Midnight, but by the end of it, they had a diet plan laid out for Ochako that would hopefully get her body and mind back in balance, so they could address the underlying issues. She'd even been convinced to schedule an appointment with Hound Dog, the university's resident counselor, to begin working on her mindset.
But then they ran into a sticking point Ochako was refusing to back down on…training. While Midnight wanted her to hold off any further training, Ochako had insisted she had to at least perform with the rest of the class, else they'd suspect too much of her and she didn't think she could handle it if they knew. Himiko and Izuku both tried to point out that they had a ready made excuse in the Quirk accident and the fact it caused her nausea, but she retorted that if she was the only one suffering that, everyone else would still suspect something was wrong.
Recovery Girl was less gentle about it, and told Ochako that any of her teachers could and would remove her from training if they thought she was in any danger, and that she herself could as well. Himiko was worried Ochako would snap, her emotions were teetering on the edge, but Recovery Girl let out a sigh and said she would allow Ochako to take part in training for now, but only under the condition that if she had any issues, she'd take a break from further training until she was back on a better stable ground.
Himiko hadn't really expected that response, but Midnight explained that further mental stress would likely cause Ochako to regress further backwards, and that mental stress was her best theory for why the issue at dinner happened when she'd been fine that morning. Dealing with the 'Bakugo Incident' as it was apparently being called amongst the staff (seeing Izuku flinch hurt Himiko's heart), and the resulting stress and fear coming over the bond probably exacerbated her own issues. Midnight was very quick to turn to Izuku and force them to meet her gaze as she reiterated, multiple times, that none of that was their fault either, and she didn't need to have an emotional connection to them to know Izuku was already feeling blame. Internally, Himiko smirked and decided she really liked Midnight a lot, seeing her firm hand in dealing with Izuku while also gently encouraging Ochako.
But with all that dealt with, they finally had to head back to the dorms. Ochako was drained, emotionally, physically, and in every possible way, leaning heavily on Himiko on the way back. Izuku was on her other side, helping to keep her balanced, but Himiko still could feel the dregs of guilt inside them…but at least Izuku appeared to be fighting back against it too. Himiko would take that. She needed these two to be okay, and since she was fine totally fine she'd just be the rock they needed.
Once again, Izuku's ability to fake their way through anything got them passed the rest of the class, explaining it was just a Quirk-related drawback that got exacerbated, and while the class seemed concerned, they accepted Izuku's explanation and no one bothered them as they managed to make it to Ochako's room. Izuku left quickly to change into their pajamas, Himiko trading off with them once they returned as Ochako changed in her bedroom, the three having silently agreed they would be together this evening.
That same pulsing need in their chest from weeks ago was there once more, that desperate desire, and even if it was a bad idea to indulge it Himiko didn't care. All she cared about was them, and taking care of them, making sure they were okay, they were safe, cared for, loved, whatever they needed she'd do it. She had to. She needed to.
The park, her favorite place as a kid, where she could see her super cute best friends Izu and Chako! She was so excited, she was going to the park to see them, going to have fun! As she ran across the grass, mouth stretched wide in a grin, she could see them, right beneath their favorite climbing tree, just to the left of the swings. She was so happy, they were right there! Chako, with her big grin and stamping her feet in excitement, wearing a cute pink and red sundress and chatting with Izu. Izu, babbling about something exciting she was sure, in a pair of shorts and a shirt that was slightly too big, giggling and hopping in place in excitement.
There they were, and she wanted to raise her voice and call to them, but for some reason she couldn't speak the words. Instead she found herself slowing down, no longer running to them but walking, stumbling, feeling off balance as she found it harder to move forward. They seemed so much…smaller than before, she felt taller, and taller, and taller, the ground getting further and further away.
Was it always this dark? This dim? The sunlight that had been in the sky was gone, now just clouds, overcast and dreary. As she looked down, the lovely green grass was wilting, dying, turning blackened and brittle as she took her steps, one by one. She approached the two of them and they turned to her, eyes going wide and fearful and full of terror, her body looming over them.
She could see it, the blood pulsing in their veins beneath the skin, the drip drop red, that warm, metallic liquid she wanted, she desired, she needed, all of it right there before her as she loomed over them. Lightning flashed in the skies above, darkness falling around them, the tree vanished, the swings disappearing in the flash, and instead she saw long, spindly claws where her fingers should be, her arms and hands made up of veins and strings, no more skin. She wanted to scream, to cry, to stop herself, but those claws reached out, moving ever closer and closer to her Chako and Izu.
Another lightning flash and she could see it, the ground beneath Izu and Chako suddenly turned to a crystal clear lake, their purity and goodness visible in their reflections…as she saw her own, a monstrous, disgusting, disfigured hag, veins and strings and twisted flesh amalgamated into a monster, the monster…the one she always knew she was.
Claws moments away from grasping them, from losing what she was, she wanted to scream, to cry, to beg, to be anywhere but there, away away away away away away AWAY AWAY AWAY
"Himi! Wake up!" The shout and the sudden squeeze on her shoulder made her jolt upright, desperately seeking breath to scream, cut off by arms wrapping around her, squeezing her tightly as she sobbed. She struggled to break free, she needed to escape, to get away, to be away from them before she hurt someone, before-
"Himi! Himi, please, please, calm down, it's okay, it's okay, it's just a nightmare," she knew that voice, even in her panic she knew it, her…Chako? Ochako?
"Yes, yes, it's me Himi, it's me, and Izu's here too, we're here," Ochako whispered in her ear. Himiko's mind finally clicked into place, where she was, in Ochako's bed next to her friend (was this what friends did), Ochako's arms wrapped about her tightly as she now could feel another hand stroking her back gently, one more holding her hand as she squeezed it with a bruising grip. Hands shaking, she managed to unclench fingers, to let go of what she now realized was Izuku's hand. It had to have been them but they made no noise of discontent or discomfort, instead gently pulling her head into their shoulder and softly shushing her, holding her as tightly as Ochako was. But she couldn't be here! She had to go, had to escape, she was a monster and she needed-
"No, Himi, you're not, it was a dream, you're just Himi, our Himi, it's okay, it'll be okay," Ochako kept repeating it like a mantra. Was…was she talking out loud? How did they know what she was thinking?
"I think my muttering is rubbing off on you," Izuku said with a dry amusement in their tone. Himiko didn't want to laugh…she didn't deserve to, but the idea made her giggle for a brief moment, her emotions so wrung out and twisted she wasn't even sure what was funny or sad anymore, all she knew was a monster.
"...I think we messed up," Izuku murmured. Himiko wanted to try and argue but couldn't find it in her to do so. Izuku's hand rode up her back slowly, up the back of her neck and into her hair as they brushed their fingers through it softly, Himiko feeling tingles from the trace of their fingertips as they relaxed into the touch, eyes fluttering closed. Izuku's hand rested between her ears and began to softly stroke them, as Ochako shifted slightly, her arms still wrapped about Himiko tightly.
"How so?" Ochako asked.
Izuku was silent for a moment, before sighing deeply. "We…we kinda ignored Himi's problems."
"N-no! You didn't!" Himiko managed to find her voice enough to protest that, eyes flitting open as she twisted in Ochako's grasp to face Izuku. Even through her tear-blurred vision, she still could clearly see the self-deprecating half-smile forming on their face as they faced her.
"We did, Himi. I think…I think because we all knew what was wrong, and Toshi was going to deal with your parents, we kind of just…assumed it'd be okay. But…I don't think you're okay, Himi. I think you've been so focused on us you're not taking care of yourself. It's not like we can't tell you still feel like you're a bad person, you know."
"...we shoulda said somethin'," Ochako sighed. "'m sorry Himi. We shouldna ignored you too."
"But you didn't! It's…it's a bad dream, that's all it is, it was a bad dream a-and I'm fine, I'll be fine, you didn't do anything wrong!"
"You can't lie to us, Himi, you're not fine. And maybe we didn't do something wrong…but we could have done more," Izuku replied softly.
Himiko shook her head rapidly, swallowing. "N-no. I don't think…I um…I don't think you could've. I-I don't know how to not think this way. I can't. I'm…I'm a monster, I'm always going to be one, I-I hurt you, I was gonna hurt you so badly, I…I just…" she lost control of her voice, slumping into Ochako's arms as she began to sob once more, every scene from her dream replaying in her mind in perfect detail.
"Himi, you promised us you'd try, and I know you don't break promises. You can do it, Himi. You can do this," Izuku whispered.
"Ifn it's too hard to believe yourself…jus' believe us. We dun lie to ye. We never lied to ye and we ain't about to start now. You trust us, right?" Ochako asked, her own voice gentle and soft as her accent slipped through.
"Of course I do!" Himiko replied, choking the words out.
"Then trust us now. Yer no monster, yer our Himi. And our Himi ain't no monster, only the ones who made her think that way are."
Himiko couldn't just…stop thinking that way, but she was so tired. She felt so wrung out, so exhausted, she didn't want to argue right now, and if she was being honest she really couldn't…she did promise after all. "...I can't just…not…feel that way," she managed to mumble out, slumping into Ochako's grasp and feeling Izuku's hand begin to comb through her hair once more.
"We know, Himi. If anyone knows, we do," Izuku said. "All we ask is you try."
"...I'll try. For you guys, I'll try," she whispered.
"Thank you, Himi," Ochako whispered back. She felt the most featherlight soft pressure against the side of her head where Ochako was, an unfamiliar sensation she couldn't place. She knew it wasn't her hand, since Ochako was still hugging her tightly, so what was it? She decided to ignore it, too tired to ask or try to puzzle it out. There were warm arms around her, a hand gently rubbing her ears and combing her hair, another one gently running thumbs over her knuckles, and all she could feel was warmth and comfort and love…and that's all she could want. She felt herself drift back off to sleep, and in the arms of her best friends (friends?) she drifted back into a dreamless sleep.
I may hate how the manga handled the end of Ochako and Himiko's battle in the final war, but the image of the 'monster' Himiko looming over child Ochako (and then turning into the crying child Himiko) lives rent free in my mind and I had to pay some homage to it with the nightmare sequence.
Also a minor thing that's come up a few times and while no ones been rude about it, I figured I'd explain it: Since this is a University AU, the teachers and by extension even the trio are limited in what they CAN force the teens to do. They are all officially adults. And trust me, getting someone labeled unfit to govern themselves is actually really difficult (not to mention that can completely destroy a persons future). So while it seems like they are taking risks, the risks are versus the fact that going above the head of one of the teens could ruin any trust or faith they have in someone else. This is especially a concern for the trio, because they couldn't HIDE it if they did it. If say, Izuku tried to report Ochako beforehand, she'd know thanks to the emotional link, and it could make everything worse by extension. That's why everyone's walking on eggshells and not forcing the issues, because that can make things worse, and yes, I know from personal experience AS one of the people who got their issues forced heh. So it's a risk...but its the lesser of two evils sort of risk in the characters minds. That's just a quick explanation for the why!