Chapter 11- Solace
solace (noun): comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or distress; consolation.
It takes a few minutes to find Aang, who was still standing where La had left him on the very outer wall of the city, staring out over the wreckage of the ships that were left behind, at the bodies floating in the water that were slowly being gathered by the Water Tribe warriors, the Fire Navy having long since disappeared from the horizon, their cloud of ash a distant dot. Hopping off Appa's head, Tao makes his way over to the small boy, resting a hand on his shoulder. When that doesn't get Aang's attention, Tao steps in front of him, blocking his view of the ocean. Aang's face was blank, but his large gray eyes were shimmering with tears that steadily rolled down his face, and Tao can feel him trembling under his palm. Tilting Aang's chin up, Tao offers him a small smile, gently wiping away some of his tears.
"I killed... so many..." Aang rasps, voice breaking with every word, and it makes Tao's heart ache. The boy was a peaceful monk, always trying to resolve conflict with words rather than violence. He adhered to the airbenders' traditions strictly, refusing to even eat meat because that would mean a life was taken for his benefit. And now, he had helped reap the destruction of potentially thousands of lives.
"The ocean spirit possessed you, Aang. It, and the Avatar Spirit, killed these soldiers." Tao says quietly, pulling Aang against his chest, feeling the boy wrap his thin arms around him tightly, sniffling into his chest. "You weren't in control."
"But they're still dead."
"They are. That's a reality of war. People die. It doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it easy, but that's how it is." Tao hums, rubbing Aang's back gently as the boy sobs against his shirt, hearing painful guilt in every sound the little airbender was making. "Its ok to grieve them, even if they were enemies. A life is a life, and when we stop caring about the lives we take, can we still call ourselves human?"
"I don't want to kill anyone, though." Aang rasps, fingers clutching the back of Tao's shirt.
Sighing, Tao rests one hand on top of the other's shaved head, looking out over the city, seeing a few remaining smoke plumes from burning buildings, taking in all the destruction the siege had wrought. Ice buildings lay shattered on nearly every block, with who knew how many dead or injured trapped inside, the bodies of water and firebenders as well as nonbending soldiers being slowly collected to be given their proper rites. "I know. Sometimes it can't be avoided though. Not everyone will give you that option to spare them." he finally murmurs, wondering how many deaths he himself was responsible for tonight. Several from the ship he had sunk at least. He had mostly focused on damage control, but there had still been moments where he had been forced to fight. "Don't let the guilt eat at you. If it will comfort you, meditate and pray that their spirits will pass on peacefully. That's what I plan to do."
Aang sobs raggedly, but nods, trembling against Tao. Turning, keeping Aang's gaze away from the ocean, he nudges the other towards where Appa was still hovering, climbing onto the bison's head with him and directing him to fly back towards the city interior. Aang didn't want to face anyone right now, so they simply go to their provided lodgings, heading inside after sending Appa back to the stables. Tao starts a fire to take the chill out, glancing around and finding himself glad that aside from some things being knocked over from tremors of the battle, the building itself was undamaged. Aang had seated himself on one of the furs, knees pulled to his chest, wet eyes wide as he stared into the flickering fire, but his breathing was rapid. "Tao my chest hurts..." he whimpers.
Moving over to him, Tao sits beside him and rests a hand on his back. "Lower your knees and sit up straight. Try and control your breathing." he hums, seeing that Aang was on the edge of a panic attack. "Breathe in slowly through your nose, give it a few counts, and then exhale slowly through your mouth. Like this." he says, demonstrating for Aang, and continuing to do so until the boy was syncing his breaths with Tao's. "There you go... keep breathing like that until your chest stops hurting."
Aang is quiet, breathing deeply for several long, silent minutes, leaning back against Tao's warm palm as an anchor point to the rest of the world. One of the logs in the fire pit had almost fully burned down by the time the young airbender was calm enough to speak, looking over at Tao, eyes bloodshot. "How... how do you live with this feeling all the time?" he asks, which catches Tao off guard.
Blinking a few times, Tao hums and shifts his weight, thinking on this question hard. How did he deal with the constant bubble of anxiety, fear, and paranoia that was always just under the surface? "I... guess after a while it just became a normal feeling to me. Its not always easy, and sometimes its overwhelming but... over time I've developed ways to cope." he hums, shrugging and looking into the fire, golden eyes falling half lidded. "All I know is that if you let it command you, you can't live. You lose your ability to function and live your life." sighing, Tao leans his weight back on his hands, looking up at the icy ceiling, body sagging as he sinks back into memories. "When it gets bad, I try to think of happier things. Like my mother, or when we met. I use those memories as a grounding point to tell myself that not everything is always awful. That the thing I'm feeling in that moment will pass and I'll be able to breathe clearly again soon." frowning a little, Tao glances at Aang and then back at the ceiling. "You have more happy memories than I do, so it should be easier for you to retain your center."
"I guess... I just can't help but feel hopeless right now. I feel like all those d-dead soldiers are all around me, blaming me for their deaths." Aang whispers, a hard shudder going through him. Tao grimaces, finding that statement far too familiar. His nightmares were now often plagued by the glares of the monks who died a hundred years ago, filled with their blame and hate. Even though logically he knew that they wouldn't blame him for what happened. Nightmares didn't work on logic though. "What if I just destroyed any chance of peace with the Fire Nation?"
"Stop. If you're going to go down that road we need to go back a hundred years. If you're going to use that logic, than you shouldn't even want peace after what they did to the Air Nomads. You should want all of them to die, just like they killed all of your people. Down to the last infant. You should think they destroyed any chance of peace with you, because of what they did." Tao says, knowing he was being harsh, but coddling Aang wasn't the solution here. He had to pierce the cloud of doubt and despair that was swirling inside the boy. Aang bodily flinches at his words, tears welling up in his eyes and he shudders as he thinks about the destruction of his culture. "The Fire Nation started this war. And they were the ones who invaded here, laid siege to the city. It was a Fire Nation Admiral who killed Tui and enraged La. And La used you and your Avatar Spirit as a conduit for revenge. You, Aang, you are not responsible for the vengeance of an angry spirit, even if not everyone will understand that." sighing, Tao tosses another log on the fire. "Some will hate you for what happened last night. Some will fear you. But war is war. Every ugly facet of it is tragic and stupid, but it can't always be avoided. If you blame yourself so much for what happened, atone for it. Help more people, get stronger so you can end this war and stop all the needless death."
Aang bites his lip and pulls his knees back to his chest, resting his chin between them, letting out a heavy sigh. "Its so hard." he murmurs.
"I know. I wish things were different. But we're here now in this time, in this war. And only you have the power to put things right. But you're not alone, so don't think you have to shoulder this by yourself." Tao replies, voice more gentle now, reaching over and pulling Aang to lean against his side. The little airbender just hums and closes his eyes, exhausted from the long two days of fighting and being in the Avatar State for so long under La's influence. Tao was tired too, but he wasn't tired enough to sleep yet. So, he stays awake for Aang, who eventually shifts and lays his head in Tao's lap, the elder teen keeping a hand on his shoulder to comfort him as he stares into the fire, mind oddly blank. He blames his exhaustion on that. He especially blames his exhaustion when he sees the outline of two golden eyes in the cracks of one of the log, one more squinted than the other. Grimacing, he looks away, but that long look Zuko had given him when Tao had cut his restraints stayed with him. He wondered if there had been more time, if the prince would have said something. He wondered what he would have said in return. Strange feelings rolled around in his stomach, making him feel slightly queasy.
He was thankful when the door opens behind him, and Katara and Sokka rush in, Momo not far behind as the door swings shut. "There you are. Is Aang ok?" Katara says breathlessly. Tao nods, looking down at the boy resting in his lap.
"Physically he's fine. But he's taking what happened last night hard." he hums, looking up at the siblings. "I wouldn't talk about it with him unless he brings it up. At least for a few days. We just need to be here for him right now."
Pity and sympathy come over Katara's face and she sits down beside Tao, looking down at Aang with sad eyes, the she looks at Tao. "Repairs are going well. You did a good job minimizing the fire damage. Master Pakku says the casualties would have been much higher without your help." she says, and Tao feels his ears burn at the praise. Before he can reply, a piece of seal jerky is held in front of his face, and he blinks up at Sokka before taking it.
"If I know you, you haven't eaten since the fighting began." the other teen says, plopping down on a pillow a few feet away, looking tired and sad, his mind likely on Yue. Tao grimaces, taking a bite of the jerky, waiting to see if Sokka would say more as he chewed. He doesn't, so once Tao swallows, he speaks up.
"I know you're not ok, so I won't ask if you are. Just know that if you want to talk about it, about her, I'll listen." he says, to which Sokka just limply nods. They were all tired, so conversation wouldn't be easy, not with all the heavy emotions they were all feeling. "You both should get some sleep. Its been a long couple days."
"What about you?" Katara asks, to which Tao cracks a wry smile.
"I'm tired but I can't sleep right now. I'll keep the fire going." he replies honestly. Katara frowns at this, but she didn't have it in her to scold him for not taking care of himself right now. He was shocked though when she goes to her room and comes back with her pillow and blankets in her arms, laying them out next to him and Aang by the fire. Before she lays down, she drapes a blanket across Tao's shoulders and over Aang's body, and then gets comfortable herself. Sokka soon does the same, laying down just as close to them. Tao can't identify the emotion that wells up inside him, but it chokes him up a bit. The closeness that had built between all of them over the last couple months took him by surprise. Katara had been right in her observations before. He did always keep himself apart from the group. He was afraid of getting hurt, one way or the other, so he kept himself distant. Which meant he hadn't realized until now truly how close they had all grown, despite that. He had always been an only child, so he could only guess, but he wondered if this was what it was like to have siblings. He felt protective towards Katara, and he found he could be vulnerable with her like she really was his little sister. And with Sokka, he was someone he could show off his more practical skills with, and someone who he could look up to, who also seemed to look up to him a little. As for Aang, he had always been like a little brother to him, Tao supposed. Someone he had to look after and keep out of trouble and guide.
A family.
They were like a family. Something Tao hadn't had a real taste of ever in his life. Not like this anyway. A bond that meant they purposefully sought each other out and had each other's backs. They took care of each other. Loved each other. This is what a family was supposed to be? Part of him felt robbed, his body aching with memories of harsh blows, but that was quickly soothed by ghosts of gentle caresses. Shivering, he looks down at the siblings and Aang, something warm filling his entire body. Love? Yes... that was the feeling. He loved these people. That scared him, terrified him even. He didn't want to mess this up, this unit, this relationship. But, a small voice that sounded a lot like his mother whispered, they loved him too. And when you loved someone, especially as family, you were there for them, and forgave them their faults. That was comforting in an odd way to Tao. He felt... Lighter. Warm. And before he knew it, he had laid down, curled around Aang, his back pressed to Sokka's, the back of one hand rested on the back of Katara's, and he was deeply asleep.
oOo
They remain in the Northern Water Tribe for a couple weeks after the siege for Aang and Katara to continue their training. Sometimes Tao tagged along with them, other times he was with Sokka at warrior training. Now that he had proven himself an ally, it seemed most of the people he encountered in the tribe had warmed up to him. Some still gave him dirty or suspicious looks, but for the most part, folk were friendly. When it was finally time for them to leave though, they're given a map to an Earth Kingdom fort that would provide them with an armed escort to Omashu, so Aang could meet up with King Bumi and learn earthbending, a box loaded with clothing and supplies, and before they leave, Pakku stands before them. He gives Katara a small vial of water from the Spirit Oasis, gives Aang a box of scrolls so he could continue his waterbending mastery under Katara's tutelage, and to Tao, he gave a small ivory charm. It looked suspiciously like a Pai Sho tile, with a white lotus carved into it. Sokka gets the short end of the stick, unfortunately, getting a simple 'take care' from the master. Soon they're in the air heading south again towards the mainland.
Even at his fastest, it still takes Appa a week and a half to reach General Fong's base, and Tao can't help but question why they needed an armed escort. They could just fly to Omashu like they had the first time around. But Aang was insistent. They could at least stop there and resupply, even if they did decide to turn the escort down. Tao still insisted it was a waste of time, but he doesn't say much past that. It doesn't take long for him to realize that General Fong was a nutcase though. Word had spread of what Aang had done at the North Pole, and Fong wanted to harness that power and march right to the Fire Lord's palace and take him out. Like it was actually that easy. Like Aang would be capable of doing that, never mind if he wanted to or not. Not after the trauma of what happened last time.
Aang catches him off guard though when he comes to the room they were provided that evening though, saying that he was going to go through with Fong's plan and use the Avatar State. Katara and Tao were whole heartedly against it, but Aang was insistent, not wanting to waste any more time, the looming threat of Sozin's Comet as well as the losses that happened every day weighing on his mind.
"Aang, even if you can master the Avatar State in a few days, which I doubt because General Fong knows nothing about spirits or spirituality, do you really think you'll be able to live with yourself if you lay waste to Caldera City? It'll be like the North Pole all over again, but ten times worse." Tao says, making the airbender grimace, almost seeming like he was going to change his mind.
Then he just shakes his head. "I have to try. If I can master it, I can control it, and innocents won't have to lose their lives." he says, and Tao frowns, simply shaking his head, disappointed in Aang and disgusted that Fong would put the boy in this position. He also can't help but wonder what would Aang do when it came down to the final moment. Would he kill the Fire Lord? Put aside everything the monks had taught him and fulfill his duty as the Avatar to restore balance to the world? Or would he falter at the last moment and get himself killed? Tao couldn't imagine the pressure. It was too much pressure to put on such a young kid, but it wasn't like the world had many other options.
The attempts to activate Aang's Avatar State goes about as well as Tao and Katara predicted. Aang is put through tests and experiments one after the other all day, and by the time dusk comes around, nothing had worked and Tao and Katara refuse to watch Aang go through it again the next day. They stay together in the room while Aang and Sokka go to Fong's office the next morning, Tao meditating quietly and Katara laying in her hammock with Momo when the entire building suddenly rumbles. "What was that?" Tao says, opening his eyes and frowning. Katara shakes her head, and the two of them go outside, meeting up with Sokka as he runs down the stairs as well. Apparently, Aang had tried to back out of the experiments to do things the right way, and Fong hadn't taken it well. At all.
They soon find themselves in the middle of a conflict with the Earth Kingdom soldiers, and because they were fighting defensively, things weren't going very well. A harsh blast of air against his back gets Tao's attention, and when he turns he's horrified to see that Aang was in the Avatar State, but he wasn't in control, riding the top of a dust filled tornado, pure rage on his face. Eyes finding Fong in the courtyard, he sees why Aang was suddenly in this state as he pulls Katara up and out of the ground, where she collapses, coughing and gasping. This does nothing to calm Aang though, the boy too far gone to listen to reason. Tao and Sokka barely avoid getting caught up in the boy's final attack as he slams to the ground, the squares of earth in the courtyard bursting upwards in a wave, throwing the soldiers everywhere.
Things go quiet, and once the dust settles, Aang's tattoos and eyes stop glowing and the boy collapses onto his knees as Katara rushes over to him. "I'm sorry, Katara. I hope you never have to see me like that again." he murmurs as Tao walks up to him as well, helping him to his feet.
"Are you kidding?" Fong crows, having picked himself up off the ground. "That was perfect. Now we just have to figure out how to control you when you're like that." luckily Sokka knocks him out before Tao can. Sokka hurts him less than Tao probably would have, having not felt this level of anger in a long time. Its about then that they decide that they didn't need an escort after all, but they do accept the supplies the soldiers offer them.
They leave as quickly as possible, wanting to get to Omashu and forget this entire fiasco ever happened. Evening comes on quickly though, so they put down beside a river and after Sokka gets some firewood, Tao starts a camp fire for them and Katara gets to work on dinner. Aang sits himself down next to Tao, who glances at him for a moment and then looks back at the fire.
"Are you mad at me?" Aang asks in a small voice, looking at his friend, eyes wide and hopeful that the answer was no. Tao sighs, rubbing a hand through his messy black hair, looking at the little airbender critically.
"Mad? No. I'm not mad at you. Honestly I'm more just tired of every stop we make ending in disaster." he says, which was the truth. He was still disappointed in Aang for being talked into such a reckless plan, but that would pass. Rubbing it in the boy's face wouldn't do anyone any favors.
Aang can't help but chuckle a little at Tao's statement, a smile crossing his face. "At least it keeps things exciting." he states, giving Tao a nudge, prompting a small chuckle from the firebender.
"I suppose so. It would be nice if the spirits toned down the 'risk of death' factor though." he remarks lightly. Aang looks at him for a few long minutes before tilting his head.
"Did something happen while we were in the Northern Water Tribe? You seem... different somehow." he says, to which Tao blinks in confusion.
"No? At least I don't think so. What do you mean by different?"
"I don't know. You just seem... happier. I like it." grinning, Aang scoots closer, clearly itching for a hug, but he was still aware of Tao's boundaries with touching. When the firebender lifts his closest arm, the boy gives him a blinding smile and attaches himself to Tao's side in a tight hug.
"I guess I just realized a few things while we were there, that's all. Got some more clear perspective."
"Well, whatever happened, it was clearly a good thing. You're smiling more. And you haven't been quite as jumpy too. I'm glad." Aang says, the joy palpable in his tone even if Tao couldn't currently see his face. Feeling eyes on him, he looks up and sees Katara smiling at them and flushes a little, not used to openly showing affection. Or receiving it. She has mercy on him though, and doesn't comment, and thankfully for his pride, Aang had let go by the time Sokka comes over from where he was setting their tents up. Once he joins them, Katara parcels out their dinner, and they sit around the campfire eating together and discussing their plans for getting to Omashu, and how long they should stay there. They only had a few months, and they still hadn't come up with a solution for a firebending teacher for Aang. It would be hard to find a sympathetic firebender willing to betray their people in order to help the Avatar take down the Fire Lord. Hopefully, they would get lucky. Tao could only hope.