This was the third man in less than two weeks. She had met him while on a date with another guy who did not go well. He'd left her alone in the bar, after going to the restroom real fast, sweety. It was very lame since he had seen her get stood up mid-date,but she was past caring about how she was perceived in these situations.

They left together that night.

And there were other nights.

And tonight would add to the list, despite the fact that she was growing tired of him.

But then Captain Cragen sent her a message, and she'd have to remember to thank him later because he'd rescued her from having to think of an excuse for missing their date.

Her Captain didn't really say come to work but he suggested that it would be helpful if she was up to it.

And she most certainly was.

In an ideal world, she would have thought about why she agreed to one more date with this guy when she would rather work on a Friday night than meet with him.

But she wasn't about to reflect now.

In actuality, she had been trying very hard not to think about anything at all.

It was working wonders for her.

"Hot date?"

Amaro's little joke did not land. Olivia sent him the most nefarious look she could before plopping down on her chair. Their desks were facing each other in the midst of the crowded station, where she could see other detectives and personnel sneering and laughing.

Fuck this new dude.

"None of your business," she hissed, kicking her high heels off under her desk.

"Making conversation," he laughed, raising his hands in the air as if surrendering.

"We can talk about the files that are still here, even though you said you'd deal with them. Would you like to have that conversation?"

She finished putting on her sneakers, which she had strategically placed behind her filing cabinet, and headed to Captain Cragen's office.

Before closing the door behind her, she could hear Amaro and Munch's little exchange.

"Damn, is she always like this after a date?"

"Don't go there, young Amaro. Just stay away."

Well, fuck this entire unit.

Another day, another horrible case.

She still had an hour before she could leave and damn, she needed to leave. She needed to go home. No, scratch that. She needed a bar. Or something like that. Maybe she could call someone. She had met a half decent man the other night. He could do the trick. Maybe.

If she ever got to leave the station, that is.

The case was done anyway. A horrible mess but nothing else they could do other than fill in paperwork. Which was what she intended to do for the remaining hour. Quietly, by herself.

Only, the new detective had other plans.

Amanda was once again at her desk. It happened frequently, despite the fact that she had only been there for three months.

Very long three months.

"Don't you have a partner, Rollins?"

She was so tired. Maybe she did need to just go home tonight. Sleep it off.

Whatever it was.

"I was just asking a question, Fin's with Melinda right now and-"

She did not want to hear it. She did not want to know anything about it.. She was so tired.

Maybe a cup of Munch's terrible coffee from earlier would suffice.

"Sorry, I can't help you."

Truly, she didn't even hear what the shorter detective had asked.

She approached the coffee machine, praying to whatever god was above that Amanda was not following her.

So much for the divine.

"Are you leaving already?"

Was she keeping count of her hours now?

"In an hour, on the dot."

"Another date?"

Olivia turned on her heels so quickly that Amanda almost collided with her.

"Can you stop - following me?" she snarled.

"I am not. I'm heading this way."

Bullshit. Amanda was pure bullshit.

"You're constantly on top of me, Rollins. I'm not your mother. I'm not your mentor. I'm not even your partner. Just – leave me alone."

"What a bitch," she heard Amanda whisper and she returned to her desk without the damn coffee.

Well, yeah. Maybe she was.

She ended up not going out that night. She couldn't sleep either.

She hasn't really slept that much these past three months. Not since-

She didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to think about him.

Only that she had to. At some point, she had to.

She had spent almost three months doing a really good job at pretending nothing was happening.

Only it was. She knew it.

Denial is really more than a river in Egypt. She could not deny it anymore. She had to do something about it.

She was so fucked.

She managed to sleep at three am. She got up at seven. At eight she was at the pharmacy.

For the next two days she had a pregnancy test on her purse.

On the third day, she had a positive result on her hands.

As soon as she says her piece, she notices her Captain sign and shake his head like he's just having to deal with a teen daughter he never had.

Pathetic.

"Olivia, we've been through this."

Rationally, she recognized that humiliating herself in front of her boss was not the move. Unfortunately for her, rational thoughts haven't been around as much lately.

"I know, I know this sounds pathetic but I'm - It's— Captain, I need to talk to Elliot."

"He told me he left you a letter."

She wished she could see Elliot again even if only once, for five minutes. So she could tell him where to shove that damn letter.

"He did, but cap - he didn't tell me where I could find him."

She hated the pleading in her voice. She hated the pity on her Captain's face.

She hated it all.

"Because he doesn't want to be found, Olivia," he recalled.

"Captain I –

"Look, I'm going to be honest with you because I like you. Elliot is gone. I've told you this. Move on. You're all over the place, you're giving Nick and Amanda a hard time" She began to protest but he didn't let her. "– don't, Olivia. I know you. I see you. I'm being lenient, maybe to my detriment. Maybe to yours too. But I can't do that forever.

"I'm being a bitch, I know it. I'm gonna do better. I'll be better."

"Do you need to talk to someone?"

"Huh? Someone like - well, yeah, maybe I do"

If he only knew. She needed way more than a head doctor at this point.

"Well, then do it. There's no shame in it. Just, Liv – you're my best at your not so best behavior, you're still the best. Please, take care of yourself."

In an alternate universe where she hasn't messed up her life so badly that she couldn't focus on anything other than her own problems, she'd appreciate the sincerity of Don Cragen's words.

Now, she couldn't help but to sound dismissive of his worries.

"Yeah. Ok, thanks, Cap."

"Liv –"

"I know, I know. I'm fine. Seriously."

What a waste of time.

And time was something she did not have.

A couple of hours later and a new case had taken over her mind. She'd gone to the hospital with Nick to talk to a survivor. It didn't help much, she was still too shaken and the leads they had were worrisome. Something about this extremely rich and overly powerful guy. That was never good news.

So they returned to the station with not so great news, but hoping for the better.

What Olivia did not expect was to see Alex Cabot there.

"Alex? What - What are you doing here?"

"What? Can't a girl come back from the Congo and work at the same place she used to before she left for a witness protective program?"

"That was a long sentence, Counselor."

Olivia felt like this was the first time she smiled with sincerity in a long time.

"I've missed you, Liv."

"Same here."

She felt the need to hug Alex. Where did that come from? She didn't want to dwell on it now. The thing was that not only her Captain but most of the unit was there too. And they had a whole case to figure out. Maybe that wasn't the best course in action.

"Cabot is filling in for the DA's office, Olivia." Cragen explained.

"It's a tough case."

Alex smiled back, "Well, I'm here now. Let's do this."

They eventually solved the case. After a few days of stressful court, emotional turns, and a lot of work, they were finished. Nothing Olivia wasn't used to.

Alex's presence had become a constant, much like old times.

She heard Nick and Amanda talking behind her back the other day and she couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed.

"That's the first time I've seen Benson smiling. Like, genuinely."

Has she been this depressive?

With the case finally solved, Cabot invited her for drinks and she couldn't have accepted fast enough.

"I heard about Elliot."

Oh great, just the topic she was trying to avoid with all her mighty.

"Yeah," she tried to sound dismissively.

"I never thought –"

"Well, me neither."

Alex wasn't giving up so easily though. She knew her too well. "How are you doing? I know he–"

"Uhum. You know. I fucking hate to admit it but he was like my family? Damn,this sounds so pathetic."

"Wait to hear about my life!"

She knew Alex was attempting to lighten the situation, but it made her realize how selfish she had been. Alex had invited her out. Maybe she needed someone to vent to.

"Sorry, sorry Alex I'm here and you - you had to…I haven't even asked how you're doing and I'm-"

"No, Liv. Sorry, it's not a competition. I was actually trying to make a joke. It didn't land, and that's ok. I'm just – I don't want to sound nasty. I don't wanna be mean but can I say something? As a friend who genuinely cares for you."

"Of course."

"I know I'll probably sound out of character but fucking protective witness and Congo and all this mess has left me all fucked up like this. I say shit now. Like feelings and stuff."

"I understand."

"Ok, so try not to take this the wrong way." Alex took a big breath. "You look terrible, Liv."

" Oh , ok. Is there a way to take this in a good way, though"

"You can take as I'm worried about you ."

"Well, you don't need to." She tried to sound convincing.

"Olivia –" She was going to begin her lecture when she was interrupted by Olivia's yawning.

"So, you're yawning on me already. Wanna wrap this up?" She asked jokingly.

"What? No! It's - ok, I'm tired. But I don't want to go if you don't want to. I kinda don't really wanna go home at all," Olivia confessed.

"We can go to my place. I have wine." Alex suggested.

Olivia didn't need any more incentives, even if the price was to have to confess to Alex just how fucking stupid she has been.

Alex let her unwind before going in for the kill. She was the best ADA they've ever had anyway.

Olivia was so tired.

She was sitting comfortably on Alex's new sofa. A couple of glasses of wine also helped.

"So, are you ready to talk about feelings?" Alex asked, too alert for her liking.

"Ugh, I thought you'd let me off this time."

"I can, but I don't think you want to, Liv. I know you. You wouldn't have come here if you didn't need to talk about something. So, what is it? It's Elliot, right?"

She was right. Unconsciously, she knew she had to talk to someone. Consciously, though? That was harder.

Alex was the perfect candidate to be the bearer of her whining. Right? She was the closest thing she had of a best friend. She loved Olivia enough to help her without strings attached.

Why couldn't she just say it?

Why couldn't she face reality?

"What's with the face, Liv?" Alex asked, confused. "Are you drunk? You didn't even drink that much-"

"Can I cry?"

Olivia had been trying to cry for the past week but she couldn't find the time or place. Now, it sounded like the perfect setting.

"Are you asking for my permission?" Alex asked

"Maybe."

"You're good, Liv. This is a safe place. I cry here all the time."

Olivia knew she was trying her hardest to make the situation less awkward. Unfortunately for her, Oliva had plans to make it even weirder.

"I can't. I feel like I should. It's the most logical thing to do in my situation. But I can't."

"What situation, Liv? What's going on?" Alex looked at her with worry.

Olivia could tell she was trying hard to concentrate. Perhaps the beers and wine had also had an effect on the blonde counselor, and she wasn't the only one in the living room who was comfortably intoxicated.

"Everything. Life, whatever."

"Is this a midlife crisis? Liv, you're too young for those."

Olivia laughed. Maybe she could call it that. A midlife crisis.

"I'm sorry I have worried you, 'Lex. It 's nothing. Nothing serious. This thing - with Elliot was just – caught me by surprise, you know"

"I know."

"But thank you. You're here. This helps. It's helping."

"Whatever you need, Liv. You know? I'm here for whatever."

Maybe she shouldn't have said that.

Later, Olivia would curse Alex for having said that.

Not as much as she cursed herself for what she said next.

"Would you like to make out?"

Later that night, Olivia was much sober and very much awake. Alex had been sleeping for the past hour and she was thinking if she should leave quietly or wait for the sunrise.

She had moved from the couch when she heard Alex whisper.

"Liv?"

She wouldn't dare look back at her.

"Yes?"

The blonde didn't move from where she was, comfortably on the couch.

"Can I ask you something? Before you leave?"

"Sure," she answered while gathering her things from the coffee table. She wasn't prepared for what Alex said next.

"Are you just using me?"