Mildred sat alone in her room, stuck between two worlds. She'd been stuck between two worlds for a very long time now. One was playing on a repetitive loop inside her head - violent images of the abuse she had faced over the summer and the way she couldn't quite let go of it. The other was sitting right in front of her, surrounding her every day. Two realities that she was no longer able to separate. Her past had contaminated everything she knew. She had been so excited to return to school, only to continue carrying it with her instead.
'Why do I have to heal from the things that weren't my fault?' Mildred choked, as tears streamed down her face. She was talking to herself more than anyone else. She had no one else left.
'I feel so much pain sometimes, because the days are ending but somehow I am never healing.'
She didn't understand why any of this had happened to her and why it wasn't going away. Although she was aware that she had become an awful person, she didn't want to get better just so she could prove to everyone how bad it was.
As the hours passed by, she found herself sat on her bed, staring at her ceiling. Her room had been turned upside down in a fit of rage as she replayed the argument she had experienced this morning. No one had even bothered to look for her. She had skipped all of her lessons and no one had noticed. The tears had long subsided as she found herself feeling entirely numb. There was a big part of her that wished she never went to Cackle's and had never met her friends. She much preferred the emptiness in her when she didn't know it was there.
'I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I just wish it would all end. I could disappear from the face of the earth and the world would still carry on moving without me. Everything is so complicated but one thing is clear. No one needs me' she thought to herself as she slowly started to sit up.
Her head was spinning as she heard the chatter of school girls in the corridor outside of her room. She was sure she could hear Maud and Enid laughing in Ruby's room, completely made up with her absence. They would soon be going to dinner and she could finally wash her face in the bathroom before she retired to her bed. She would still wake up tomorrow either way and she had to keep pushing forward. She had no choice.
Within twenty minutes, she had crept across the corridor, careful not to draw attention to herself if anyone was still around. She locked the door behind her and stood in the middle of the room, finding herself unable to function.
Slowly, she turned around and stepped froward to wipe the mirror in front of her which had been covered in condensation from the previous user. The sight in front of her was unrecognisable. The fact she didn't even recognise herself anymore was heartbreaking. She had become so small and so shadowed. Her eyes were sunken and dark circles surrounded every shallow in her face.
'I wish there was a way out. I wish there was anything to make me feel better' she wished, not sure what could be done to help herself.
She turned to pick up her toothbrush before something fell from the shelf above her head and toppled onto the floor. Realising she should probably pick it up, she bent down with much reluctance to see what it was. To Mildred's surprise, it was a spare razor, and unfortunately she had broken it.
Pocketing the spare blade to put in her bin, she splashed her face with freezing cold water before she made the return to her room. She was too scared to lock herself in the bathroom all night. Despite her childish urge to hide, she knew she would not have long until the other girls returned from their meal.
As she entered her room, she realised that tabby had left her too, probably off to hunt for mice. Suddenly, Mildred found herself completely alone and it was overwhelming. Her feelings began to overpower her as her last distraction had long disappeared, and it was devastating. She was unable to stop herself from bursting into tears as she slammed her door and slid down to the floor behind it.
What she did next was purely instinctive. She didn't even have to think about what she was doing before she found herself staring at the new-found blade that had previously resided in the side of her uniform.
She found herself twirling it between her thumb and forefinger, slowly turning it to face the light as she saw her reflection imprinted into it. It felt so natural, almost as if she had meant to find it, for it had started to call her name, begging her to put it to good use.
Without giving anything a further thought, Mildred lowered the blade to her skin on her left forearm, and pressed it down and across as hard as she could.
She was sick of living a life which was just about needing to escape her life. She needed more.
And the relief was immediate.
It reminded her that she was still here. She saw beads of red begin to form on her arm as she felt the best pain, for self destruction reminded her mind that she was still alive. It was the only anguish she had ever known as she held up her weapon and continued the breaking of her skin.
She found that she could no longer stop herself as she got more and more carried away, she deserved this pain and it made her feel elated. She felt robotic, as if this singular action was filling a void that had pained her for so long. She no longer felt hurt or angry, she just felt undeniable, incomprehensible relief. She had been searching for this feeling for so long, and she knew she would do anything to chase after it for just a little while longer as she continued to sob against the door.
It was a different type of pain. She was drowning.
Constance had been worrying intensely about Mildred all day - in fact, she had been worrying about Mildred ever since their fight over a month ago. It had started to consume her as it took over every aspect of her life. She'd find herself unable to sleep at night anymore as anxiety filled her mind, desperate to solve the issue. On the other hand, she was desperately conflicted. Constance had not wanted to go against her word to Amelia as she thought back to their conversation a couple of days after the incident.
'It's for the best, Constance. You must give me your word that you will continue to distance yourself from Mildred.' Amelia paused as her deputy gave no response. 'Look, I know there's a lot of tension going on between you two right now which is exactly why I need you to take my advice. I'm trying to look out for you to protect you, Constance. I can't have you involved in any messy safeguarding disasters that would ultimately threaten your professional position within this school if an incident was taken too far - you're too important to me.'
'Yes, but the girl is miserable, Amelia. I feel as if I am only making matters worse for her by giving her the silent treatment. She's looking more and more lost each day, not to mention her academic standards have plummeted! It's eating away at me, it goes against everything I stand for. If I could only-'
'It will pass, these things always do.'
'Well, what if they don't?'
'Well Constance, what if they do? Please, stop torturing yourself. Arguments happen and teenagers face slip-ups all the time. You are becoming too involved again. You are not the child's mother' Miss Cackle warned sternly. She wanted to put an end to this ridiculous feud, for neither Constance nor Mildred would receive closure in this way if the incident continued to drag on.
'Very well Amelia, I will give you my word' she agreed before strutting out, internally cursing Amelia for how wrong she believed she was. Yes, Mildred had upset her, but now she was more concerned with finding out what had really upset Mildred.
Despite this, she had managed to keep her word for many weeks, attempting to ignore the huge toll it had taken on her mentally. She had to completely change her routine in order to avoid Mildred, for she knew the girl had been trying to speak to her and it was hurting Constance too much to keep directly pushing her away. It was exhausting and she no longer felt like herself. The rest of the girls had also taken up a new hobby of trying to push Constance's boundaries, to see how far they could cross the line with her new 'lassiez-faire' attitude towards behaviour management. She was well and truly irritated.
As she was pacing and reflecting about the castle that night, Constance thought back to this mornings incident where Mildred had chosen violence in her classroom. She was absolutely shocked when she walked in, but she wasn't surprised to see that Mildred quickly stormed out in tears before she could intervene. Obviously, she immediately sent the remaining four of her 'friend group' out of her classroom and straight into the corridor to interrogate them on what had happened. Conveniently, none of them seemed to understand what she was talking about, nor did they reveal anything, so the conversation mostly ended up in a one-sided screaming match from Miss Hardbroom before she sent them back in and snapped at the rest of the class to write lines in silence. She knew that her stress surrounding Mildred was beginning to impact her relationships with the other girls, but Constance could not stand bullying nor could she let go of the whole situation.
She found herself deep in thought as she walked along the corridor back in the present moment. Her brows were furrowed and her jaw was tightly clenched, things she only did when she was incredibly stressed. It was 8pm, so two hours before lights out, and she was on a mission to locate Mildred as the girl had failed to show up to dinner while she was on duty again. She didn't know why she was even looking, for she wasn't supposed to properly chat with the girl anyway. Technically making sure she was where she was supposed to be wouldn't be going against Amelia's word, rather just doing her job, she tried to convince herself. In reality, she just wanted to get a glimpse of Mildred to make sure she was alright. What happened earlier had set all the girls on edge, so Constance could only imagine how Mildred was feeling.
However, once Miss Hardbroom reached the end of the corridor and opened Mildred's door, she discovered that the girl was very much not alright. She was asleep at the wrong end of her on her bed, which was most unusual for the girl. However, the thing that caught Constance's attention the most was Mildred's arm which was hanging out of the covers. At first, Constance did not see anything unusual until she fully entered the room and closed the door behind her before crouching down by her side. Then, an extremely concerning sight to Constance was presented indeed. The deputy felt a wave of nausea hit her as she clasped a hand over her mouth and took a sharp intake of breath. All she could do was stare down at the mess she was seeing in front of her.
Mildred's was curled up fast asleep with her hair stuck to her face, but under her arm which was lying across the top of her duvet, Constance could see bright red stains decorating her sheets which appeared to be splotches of blood. Drying tears were also strewn down Mildred's cheeks and over her pillow, and she had tissue wrapped around half of her arm. Piecing the scene together, dread hit the potions teacher as she realised what could be going on.
Constance immediately leaned forward to further investigate as she held out a shaking hand to gently lift up Mildred's arm. Her heart felt like it had become stuck in her throat as she held her breath, very careful not to wake Mildred. If the girl woke up now, she was sure to lash out at Constance for startling her. In intense concentration, her form tutor slowly removed the makeshift bandage which had started to fuse to Mildred's arm. Her heart sunk even further than it before, completely breaking in two as she only had to lift the smallest corner of the covering to confirm her suspicions.
Constance stared down before her, completely numb, at the series of open wounds, all raging in size and depth, that were completely covering the lower half of her student's left arm.
Constance was absolutely distraught as she quickly placed the tissue back over Mildred. She then removed her shaking hand back to cover her own mouth in an attempt to steady her breathing. She wanted to cry. She wanted to wake Mildred and tell her everything would be alright and that she was so sorry she hadn't been there for her, but she couldn't. Constance had let her down, being too cowardly to trust her own gut instinct and ignore Amelia's advice. She had avoided Mildred for weeks, so she had probably been the reason behind the sudden decline in her behaviour and why she had so rapidly lost all her friends. The girl was clearly struggling with some intense emotions which were too big for her to handle, and it had cost her everything. Ultimately, Constance believed she was the reason that Mildred had started hurting herself in order to cope with something that should have been resolved weeks ago - it was all her fault.
Looking at such a vulnerable child before her, Constance felt her pain slowly build into an uncontrollable rage. It was a strange feeling. It was a type of anger that she didn't think she had ever felt before, not even when she was struggling with her own issues in college. Not only was she angry about the situation unfolding beneath her, but she was angry that everyone had let Mildred down. The girl had been left to fend for herself as her friends and her teachers had ignored her and labelled her as a troubled student. It was a protective type of anger and Constance realised that she wasn't going to sit on it and do nothing this time.
No, she was going straight to Miss Cackle. She was going to give her piece of her own mind by forcing her to listen to her opinion. She was also going to set up a meeting with Mildred first thing tomorrow morning, before the girl even had time to run away. Mildred was not just injured from the holidays, nor was she just a difficult teenager. Something was seriously fucking wrong. Constance had reached her breaking point - the formidable HB was about to blow and everyone was going to know about it.
She brushed Mildred's hair from her eyes and pulled the duvet up from under Mildred's arm before tucking her back in properly. The girl was not going to deal with anything alone for a second longer, she would make sure of it.